Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Caring for the Body (Part 2)

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Caring for the Body (Part 2) · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: This podcast episode includes a trigger warning for discussion of caring for your physical body, including references to medical appointments and different procedures, such as OBGYN appointments, annual women's exams, mammograms, and other routine care like dentists and eye doctors and ear doctors. There are some references to specific triggers as well as big feelings that may come up in response to those triggers. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. The other part that happens at a regular annual exam is getting your lab work.
• 2:12
  Getting lab work is actually really important to us because we are cancer survivors and so there's lots of things they track with our labs over time, even though we are still in remission and doing really well. There are two parts to lab work if you're just getting the basics. One of them is you have to pee in a cup. And this part is less difficult in some ways and more difficult in other ways. It is less difficult because at least you get to do it in private.
• 2:46
  So you are going to just the restroom. You have the little cup. You have to go in there. They give you a wipe. You guys, it's like the same wipe that they give you if you order ribs, and you're at the restaurant and you've got messy fingers and they give you that little wipe to clean off your hands.
• 3:04
  It's the same thing. And so it's like, do I really want ribs where I have to wipe my hands with a vagina cloth, or is this the vagina cloth that's gonna smear barbecue sauce on my lady bits? Like, I don't know. But I'm telling you, it's the same cloth is what it looks like and what it feels like. But all joking aside, I am telling you that even though it's in private, it can still be very triggering because of all kinds of specific kinds of trauma and also simply because, for us at least, are having to clean up after or before or during or whatever something that someone else is doing to us.
• 3:55
  So even that piece, even though you're supposed to take this little wipe and clean yourself and then pee in the cup and then put the cup in the little window or whatever, and then you can wash your hands and go on your way, Please wash your hands. But there's something about, at least for us, we worked really hard to figure out what the trigger was because we didn't understand since it was in private and there are other layers as well. But other than specific traumas, like what was the trigger? And I really think besides some specific triggers, like a cup of urine, for example, or whatever, I really think part of what makes that so difficult, even though it's such a simple routine thing, is that there's this cleaning up effect where you have to wipe up and clean up in a particular way that is involving other people you can't necessarily see or control or even know And I think that is where the trigger stuff is, where those sensitive layers are in that piece of things. So I will just be honest that even though we're very boring and so we don't have any substances in us or anything to make us anxious about peeing in the cup other than the cup of urine itself, which is a specific trigger from a specific trauma that we don't need to talk about right now, and the trigger of the wiping up and cleaning up piece.
• 5:36
  Other than that, because we have the privacy, then the peeing in a cup part is actually not too difficult, except that we weep. We cry so hard every time. We just, like, we can't stop it. It turns on like faucets. And I really think it has to do with, like, not shame exactly although I'm sure that's involved because it always is involved but there's that layer of a flashback or that layer of like a sensory motor like you're one of those moments where your body is keeping score that you were cleaning up your body for someone else to do what they wanna do, even though it's a medical context.
• 6:24
  So that's what's hard for us and we always have to take a moment and like splash water on our face and sort of like calm down because we cry so hard just for that part even though no one's doing anything to us that is hurtful or harmful. The other part of lab work is getting your blood taken. Now for us there are some triggers about that. Some people just don't like getting shots or needles at all anyway and so there can be all kinds of specific triggers for that, of course, but we had to find a way to make that work because when we got cancer, staying alive depended on our treatment and our treatment depended on getting all that blood work done over and over and over again. So yes, it was traumatic.
• 7:16
  Yes, it was triggering. Yes, there are all kinds of layers of what that reminds us of or why that bothers us. But our lives depended on getting it done because to stay alive, you have to take care of the physical body. And so really what has worked for us for this piece of things is that we just agree that it is an appropriate time for intentional dissociation. So when we have to go get a vaccine like COVID, for example, or we have to go get lab work and have our blood drawn.
• 8:03
  Here is what we do. It's always easiest if we're in a room with a window where we can look outside. But even if there's not a room with a window, we can use a picture on our watch or something in the room or a light on the ceiling or a clock or a painting in the room. Something that we can glue our eyes to. And for us, it's easier if there's flickering, which is why we like the window outside because we can see, like, the light in the leaves blowing or something or the trees swaying in the wind.
• 8:47
  Or if we if there's only a clock, you can watch that secondhand. Or if there's a painting or some kind of landscape photo or picture or something, you can kind of stare your way into that. Find something that you can use to intentionally dissociate and just let them do what they need to do. Like take you and your littles and whoever is bothered by this and just leave. It's one of those times that no one cares who's in the body.
• 9:20
  No one has to front for getting lab work. Like, you can just all go away, leave the body there, and intentionally dissociate. Let them do what they need to do. You do what you need to do. And when it's done, somebody check-in just enough to be on your way.
• 9:41
  So what's important though, is after that, you have to get regrounded enough that you are safe to be driving. So we usually sort of park either a little ways so that we have to go on a little walk to get to our car, or once we're in our car, then we use stuff in our car to sort of get grounded or oriented, like focusing on the objects or using our senses or whatever we need to do to sort of get reoriented. Whatever works to help you be back in your body, to help you reassure your littles or whoever is triggered or bothered or anxious about medical appointments, to reassure them that it's over, that you're done with that, that you are still safe, that the people who were caring for you in that appointment were appropriate and safe, and that you are well taken care of, that it was part of caring for the body so that all of you are safe in the body and that it's done. And then do what it is that they need to be tended to or cared for. You can hold a baby blanket in your lap while you drive home, or you can get a cold drink, or you can use a juice box as you drive home, or we always take the outside kids for ice cream after they have to get a vaccination just to like bring them back sensory wise that you're okay, you're safe, that was a hard thing, you were brave, but it's done.
• 11:18
  And so there's lots of things that you can do to care for yourself after a medical appointment. And while we're talking about medical appointments, there's one more kind of medical appointment I wanna talk about. We already talked about the gynecologist a little bit and pap smears, and that is another good time to use intentional dissociation. And you can talk about that more with your therapist, like what that is going to be like, where you're going, how you have to sit or reviewing what they're going to put inside you or what they're going to do to have to do that so that your body can be safe and healthy and how to remember that that is not the same as being hurt in the past, but also how to make sure that you are safe and cared for during and after those kinds of procedures. A related procedure that is similar to that is having to get a mammogram.
• 12:25
  We are now old enough that we have had our first mammogram and now we're supposed to get them every year. We are already so anxious about medical appointments. I can't tell you how anxious we were about what that was going to be like. Like we have a very ample bosom inherited from our ample bosomed ancestor mothers. And I was not looking forward to this.
• 12:58
  Like, do we just have to get undressed and flop them out there, flopsy and mopsy and here we go? Like, I don't know what we're supposed to do or what that is gonna be like or who's gonna be touching me or what they're gonna do to me or if they're really gonna squeeze it like a pancake because you guys, this is too much. Like, if you squeeze these like a pancake, they're gonna pop. Like, they're not gonna fit like a pancake. How is that gonna work?
• 13:27
  And so we had to learn, but the only way to do it was just to go and do it. So we did the same thing to care for ourselves to go to that appointment of making sure we were there early, getting oriented to the space first. When we have an interpreter sort of warming up with our interpreter first, because that's odd to have a stranger in the room, except it's way worse if you don't know what's going on. And this was at a women's center. And at the women's center, we were in a general waiting room first.
• 14:00
  And then they called us back into a smaller waiting room that was specific to where the mammogram machines were, I guess. So it was like a second smaller waiting room. And when we went inside, when it was our turn, we got to go to like a little area that actually had a curtain, which we appreciated that we didn't just have to take our shirt off in front of everybody, but we got to go to like a little closet on the side with a curtain and close the curtain and change into like one of those half gown things. And so at least we had privacy for that part. And then we had female workers.
• 14:41
  I don't know what kind of technicians they're called, I'm sorry. And the machine was there. She told us and actually kind of showed us with her body what we were gonna have to do and talk to us before we had to do it. And even though it was like awkward because you're standing there and they're trying to move things around you or put you in certain positions so that they can get the images that they need of you. And again, that's so you can care for your physical body so that you can stay alive.
• 15:18
  And so even though that's awkward and uncomfortable because you're standing in weird positions and like you have to put your arm up like this way or you have to hold over on this way so that they can get as much tissue as possible just to make sure that you're safe and that they can see everything that they need to see. It was never actually painful. It didn't hurt. Nothing ever squeezed me too much. There was no pancaking about it, at least in our experience.
• 15:47
  And so it was nothing like the horror stories I had imagined in my own brain based on what I had heard other women talking about it. So I don't know if that's just improved from what it used to be in the past or if I had just made it way worse in my head than what it actually was. It was awkward standing positions. It looked like I was doing some kind of weird yoga or something, and it was uncomfortable having to stand that way or to have that machine around me kind of, but it didn't hurt. There was not actual pain involved.
• 16:26
  And the other good thing was that it was actually over really fast. Like, I wasn't even in there ten minutes, maybe fifteen tops. And then they let me change my shirt again in private so that I got all my clothes back on in that dressing room. And then I got to go. I didn't have to stay and wait for results or for anyone to talk to me about it or anything.
• 16:49
  I was just excused. And so it was actually super easy. And the same thing, we kind of went for a walk. The hospitals, for some reason, they always have such beautiful grounds. I don't know why they have such beautiful grounds for people who are kept inside other than it gives them something to look at.
• 17:08
  And I know that they want land so that they can keep adding to their hospital, but there's like these little parks that we can walk out around fountains and things at the hospital. And so we could go for a walk around there and kind of shake off what the experience was, reorient ourselves, reground ourselves, and do the same thing explaining to littles or other specific ones who are triggered for specific reasons. Here is what was happening. Here was what already happened. Here's what we did.
• 17:42
  This was safe touch because they talked to us about it because we consented to it because it's helping take care of the physical body. And here is why it's good for us, but it's okay that you are scared or uncomfortable, or isn't it great that it wasn't as bad as we thought? Like all of those kinds of things, like literally having those conversations or coloring it out or just doing whatever you need to do to care and tend to those parts of yourselves. When we had cancer, we did similar things in that we would have to go and sit there all day for a really long time and it was super boring and I didn't always feel good. And in those cases, we could not get in and out of there really quickly.
• 18:32
  We had to stay for a long time. So it wasn't even something like we could just distract a little and then go take care of it really fast and then come back and check-in with them. Like we really had to care for them while we were there because it took so long. And so in those cases, like we learned that like lemon drops are a good candy for when you have cancer mouth. I mean, like the medicine makes things taste weird.
• 18:58
  The chemo makes things taste weird. And so we learned that lemon drops, for example, were one of the things that can help the mouth a little bit and the taste of that. And we made sure that we had lotion. We brought something to crochet or knit. We brought books to read.
• 19:16
  We could watch movies on our phone. We could take a nap. We could color. We could draw or even brought some, paint brushes, watercolor brushes where the watercolor is already in or small watercolor sets that we could sort of spread out a bit without taking over the whole chemo room. Like, there were different ways that we could care for ourselves.
• 19:47
  So I just wanted to talk about this because when we don't care for our bodies, we are not keeping our system safe. But I understand that it can be so difficult to care for our bodies when there's so many triggers or when something is so anxiety provoking or when we don't know what it will actually be like or what will happen. And that can be a lot to overcome. But only avoiding it is actually a kind of neglect. It's like a reenactment of what already happened to us growing up.
• 20:26
  And it's not the same as healing because part of healing is caring for ourselves, even our bodies. But at the same time, it's okay to acknowledge that there are big feelings or that there are anxieties or that there are fears and to look at what those fears are or learn about what a procedure is like or talk to a doctor about what will happen before it happens or ask your therapist for support or help or talk to people who are safe people in your life who have been through procedures and don't mind sharing with you what that's going to be like. I'm sorry that I don't have lived experience with male procedures. The only thing I know about male procedures, and I'm sorry that it's not even enough information or I'm not speaking to it accurately even because I literally don't know, is I know that it includes the check for the prostate gland. And I know that my husband always makes jokes, not dirty jokes, but like lame unrelated jokes.
• 21:39
  Like he's not making inappropriate. He's not saying anything inappropriate. He just always makes like the worst jokes at the worst time. And then the doctors always think he's weird, but that's how he's coping. Like he's using humor as a coping skill for something that's unpleasant, but that helps him get through something that's difficult, but really necessary.
• 22:05
  Another example of things that can be necessary, but really difficult is when you have to have a surgery for some reason. We've had surgery because of cancer and we've had surgery because of Sjogren's and we've had surgery for our cochlear implants. One of those, we were actually like the kind of surgery we were awake for, but couldn't feel anything. And that was a strange experience that kind of left us anxious because it felt like dissociating, except that it was because of the medicine they gave us, not because we were dissociating. And so it was terrifying because it felt like someone else was dissociating, except we were feeling it.
• 22:48
  Does that make sense? So that was a super strange experience, but we learned what that was like and know that it's not something we want again if we ever have a choice. Our cochlear implant surgery was actually super simple. We don't even remember going to sleep and we woke up easily and the things that were triggering had to do with things in the past. So we had some injuries in the past that were treated similarly to how our head was wrapped after the cochlear implant surgery.
• 23:25
  And so that felt like a bit of a trigger, but it just is, right? But that was about our recovery. It wasn't about the surgery itself. That surgery was fine. The surgery for a hysterectomy for the cancer, that was really rough, not just in recovery, but there were triggers before that and in preparation for that.
• 23:47
  And we even had to do an enema for that surgery. And that was all kinds of triggering and very traumatic and brought up all kinds of things that we had to deal with in therapy that we were able to write about so that we can talk about them in therapy sometime. So there's different ways to handle different things and there's different kinds of things that sometimes have to be done. And there are times where so much of it feels out of control or you try so hard to talk to people ahead of time to be as prepared as you can and things still aren't as expected like when we walked into the remodeling this morning. But that doesn't mean that you can't cope with it.
• 24:41
  It means there's one more thing to cope with and we focus on that thing and then focus on the next thing and then focus on the next thing and use intentional dissociation to help get through it rather than panicking about that we might dissociate. Because if we dissociate intentionally in a controlled way that we are choosing, that's different than panicking and a little gets stuck out and then is re traumatized or our caregivers or providers are confused about who they're interacting with or thinking we're unwell or not understanding what's going on because they don't understand DID, those kinds of things. If we tend to ourselves and if we care for those parts of us, and if we use the skills we already have to intentionally dissociate or to ground ourselves or to orient depending on what we need, then we can get through those kinds of appointments in safe and healthy and appropriate ways. And the more things that we do in that preventative kind of way, like our annual exams or going to the dentist or going to the eye doctor or checking in with an audiologist from time to time, the more that we do those things preventatively, then the better shape our body is in because it's already being cared for as opposed to not caring for our bodies, avoiding those kinds of things, and then having to go to a lot more appointments because something went wrong or because we got sick in some way.
• 26:33
  So it's actually really, really important to care for our bodies. And even though it is difficult, we don't at all have to minimize that. But even though it is difficult, it actually tends to us in ways that prevents more difficulty from happening. So if you really want to avoid, the best way to avoid is actually to tend to some of those issues intentionally and to take care of them so that we can be healthy and that we can be well, because that matters. The body is our container.
• 27:15
  The body is part of us. The body is where we live and how we move and have our being. And we need the body to be well for us to be well. So we just wanted to share this reminder that it's okay to say going to the doctor or the dentist or the eye doctor or whatever is difficult. It's okay to have big feelings because it's scary or triggering or whatever.
• 27:45
  But it's also okay to come up with a plan to deal with that, to face those things, to get through those appointments so that you can be well and not have to have as many of them later. So I hope that makes sense. And I know that in some ways this is such simple information because it's things we all know and things we all need but also it's really important information and sometimes we just need to know that other people are sharing those experiences and that we aren't alone in finding them difficult and that we are not alone in struggling to do those simple things because sometimes there's shame in that feeling like oh this is such a simple thing why is it so hard? It's hard because you were harmed and abused by caregivers when you were little. That's why it's hard.
• 28:49
  Not because there's something wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. And tending to those appointments that keep your body well is what makes sure that there's nothing wrong with you or that gets you what you need if there is something wrong. So please, just a reminder, to please make sure that you are scheduling your regular appointments, that you are seeing your doctor, that you're having your OBGYN appointments, that you are following up on breast exams, your self exams, and at the doctor as well. And when you're old enough to get your mammograms or to make sure that your body is safe, the dentist and the eye doctor, and all these routine care visits that keep your body functioning so that everyone in your system can be safe in the context of the body in which you live.
• 29:51
  Thank you for taking care of you. Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon and join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org.
• 30:28
  If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.