Latest / Inspirations for Your Life / STOP Letting People BREAK Your BOUNDARIES! (S5) S42:E4 Tuesday

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STOP Letting People BREAK Your BOUNDARIES! (S5) S42:E4 Tuesday · Inspirations for Your Life

0:23
Well there, hello everyone, and welcome to the
0:26
ever-popular Inspirations for Your Life show.
0:30
I'm so grateful that you decided to join
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me here today.
0:34
Thank you very, very much.
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If this is your very first time, I'd
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like to take this opportunity to personally say
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thank you, and I'd also like to say
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those warm words, welcome, because you are welcome
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here.
0:45
If this is not your first time and
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you've been here one time, five times, 10,
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100, or maybe even more, I'd like to
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say thank you and welcome, but I'd also
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like to say those very important words, welcome
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back, because you are very welcome here, and
1:00
I always appreciate people that enjoy the quality
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and content of my show and want to
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keep coming back.
1:05
If you're thirsty, if you're hungry, feel free
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to go grab something.
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I got a delicious ice-cold Aro water
1:09
here with some fresh lemon, mm-mm-mm.
1:13
It is delicious.
1:15
All right, so we've got a great show
1:18
for you guys today, and don't forget to
1:22
check out BelieveMeAchieve.com, of course, for more
1:26
of my amazing, inspiring creations.
1:28
So without any further ado, guys, let's go
1:31
ahead and, yeah, let's get this show off
1:35
the ground, because I know you've got a
1:37
lot of great stuff that I bet you
1:39
want to learn, so I'm definitely going to
1:41
get this show off the ground for you
1:44
guys right, right now.
1:46
So hopefully, you'll find this show to be
1:49
really interesting tonight, because I think what we've
1:53
been talking about this week, this whole idea,
1:56
it's definitely very, it's definitely very, very interesting.
2:01
So let's go ahead and get this show
2:06
off the ground.
2:10
Sometimes my headphones, you know, they just kind
2:12
of slip, that happens.
2:15
All right, so let's go ahead and get
2:18
this off.
2:19
So stop letting people break your boundaries, OK?
2:23
Series five, show number 42, and episode number
2:27
four.
2:28
Welcome, everyone, to the ever popular Inspirations for
2:31
Your Life show.
2:33
I am John C.
2:34
Morley, serial entrepreneur, engineer, marketing specialist, video producer,
2:39
podcast host, coach, keynote speaker, passionate lifelong learner,
2:43
graduate student at Montclair State University, and so
2:46
grateful now to be a published author.
2:49
Yes, guys, welcome, welcome, welcome.
2:52
Our weekly topic is, which ends on Friday,
2:55
start on Saturday.
2:58
Stop waiting for a sign.
3:00
Your freedom starts with action.
3:03
Saturday, we learn to recognize what holds us
3:05
back.
3:06
Sunday, we chose our direction.
3:08
Monday, we began to break free.
3:10
But here's the question.
3:11
What happens when someone pushes against the boundary
3:15
or boundaries you just created?
3:18
Today is stand firm, not angry, not rigid,
3:23
but consistent.
3:26
Let's explore 30 ways together that you can
3:29
protect your freedom without losing your compassion and,
3:34
of course, your own control.
3:36
So, number one, guys, making a decision is
3:41
easier than consistently honoring it.
3:44
Saying you'll protect times is interesting, right?
3:51
It takes seconds, right?
3:53
Following through, though, when someone asks for a
3:55
favor is where commitment becomes real and it's
3:58
like, oh, I'll just let it slip this
4:01
one time.
4:01
It's no big deal.
4:03
I'm going to be nice.
4:04
It's not about being nice, folks.
4:06
It's about the fact that it turns into
4:08
a pattern, and that pattern just causes you
4:13
to just lose your energy and even your
4:18
self-respect because you're not saying yes to
4:21
you, you're saying no to yourself and yes
4:22
to everyone else.
4:23
So that's a problem.
4:24
Number two, guys, stand firm without becoming unnecessarily
4:28
rigid.
4:29
A boundary is meant to support your values.
4:32
Not turn every request into a battle.
4:35
Be clear and reasonable.
4:38
Know which values are non-negotiable.
4:42
Identify what matters most, whether that's honesty, family,
4:48
health, or keeping your word.
4:51
Clarity makes decisions easier.
4:54
And I think a lot of people today
4:55
don't realize what clarity is until they've actually
4:58
stumbled upon it.
4:59
They're like, oh, wow, I guess I should
5:02
do this, or I guess I should change
5:04
what I'm doing.
5:05
And again, that's not to scare you.
5:07
It's to let you know that there's a
5:09
lot in your life and you can do
5:10
so very much.
5:12
Okay?
5:13
So we have to understand about those decisions
5:16
and about how the clarity works and knowing
5:19
what matters, right?
5:21
So number four, recognize the pressures that weaken
5:25
your boundaries.
5:27
Maybe it's guilt.
5:29
Know your triggers before they take over you
5:33
and your life.
5:34
But you know, you're trying to be nice
5:36
or the nice guy or the nice lady,
5:38
but you find yourself being, I don't know,
5:45
stomped on, taken advantage of.
5:48
And so I think a lot of times
5:51
we want to say yes, because we have
5:52
that good nature inside us.
5:53
But what we're really doing guys is we're
5:55
saying no to ourselves.
5:57
Okay?
5:58
Number five, stop explaining every personal decision to
6:03
everyone.
6:03
A brief, respectful answer can be enough.
6:06
You don't owe a lengthy defense for every
6:09
reasonable choice that you have out there.
6:12
Understand that a respectful no can protect an
6:16
important yes.
6:17
Declining one request may preserve time for a
6:21
promise you've already made.
6:24
You've already made.
6:25
And I think that becomes a problem for
6:28
a lot of people.
6:29
They're living under this motus that they have
6:33
to do it this way, but really they're
6:35
just stuck in a pattern, a pattern that
6:38
is really robbing them of the joys that
6:41
make life worth living.
6:44
I think that's important guys.
6:47
Number six, understand that a respectful no can
6:50
say yes, but I want to say you
6:52
need to say no.
6:53
So let's remember that as I repeat that
6:55
very important point.
6:57
Number seven, build boundaries around your time and
7:01
attention.
7:03
Put important work on your calendar.
7:06
I put social, business, anything goes on my
7:08
calendar.
7:09
If it's not on my calendar, it's not
7:10
happening.
7:11
Silence interruptions when you need to focus.
7:14
Treat attention as valuable.
7:18
Number eight, stop rewarding people for repeatedly ignoring
7:22
your limits.
7:23
If you always give in after the fifth
7:25
request, you may teach others that persistence overrides
7:29
your answer.
7:31
And I think we have to be careful
7:33
how we approach that because some people think,
7:37
Oh, you know, I could just keep pushing.
7:38
And you know what guys that's manipulation and
7:41
nobody wants manipulation.
7:42
Do they?
7:43
Of course not.
7:45
Number nine, recognize when guilt influences your commitments.
7:50
It happens.
7:51
Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean you've done something
7:54
wrong.
7:55
Check the facts and your values before you
7:58
proceed.
7:59
And you're like, wait a minute.
8:00
Maybe I shouldn't have done it that way.
8:02
Maybe I shouldn't have said it that way.
8:03
Maybe there's another way I can approach this.
8:06
Okay.
8:07
It was another way that I can approach
8:09
this.
8:11
Number 10, protect your priorities from unnecessary interruptions.
8:16
So decide now deserve the immediate attention for
8:19
what you're waiting for.
8:20
That's key guys.
8:22
Number 11, understand that boundaries require consistent behavior,
8:26
not one offs, not, Oh, I'll just do
8:28
this today because you're going to get into
8:30
a loop.
8:31
And you're going to wonder how to get
8:34
into such a mess.
8:35
Your words introduce the limit.
8:37
Your actions demonstrate that you mean it.
8:41
So you can't just say, Oh, I'll do
8:43
this.
8:43
I'll protect my time.
8:44
But then your actions just like, Oh, you
8:46
know what?
8:46
I'll just let it go this time.
8:47
It doesn't matter.
8:48
It does matter.
8:49
Every single time it matters.
8:51
Number 12, communicate expectations clearly rather than assuming
8:56
understanding.
8:57
Tell people what you can do, what you
9:00
cannot do.
9:01
And when you're available, that's key guys.
9:05
Stop making promises.
9:07
You cannot realistically maintain an honest.
9:12
No.
9:13
Today is often kinder than an enthusiastic.
9:17
Yes.
9:17
You can't fulfill tomorrow.
9:20
Number 14, recognize when compromise becomes self-abandonment
9:25
flexibility is healthy for repeatedly sacrificing core priorities
9:31
to avoid tension deserves a closer look, 15,
9:39
learn to tolerate temporary disappointment.
9:42
Someone may dislike your answer.
9:46
That discomfort doesn't automatically mean your boundary is
9:50
unfair.
9:53
Don't let other people cause you to renegotiate
9:59
your boundaries or to lower your boundaries.
10:02
I think that's a very big problem.
10:04
Stand by thoughtful decisions.
10:06
When others disagree, listen for useful feedback, then
10:10
evaluate if we're doing it without surrendering your
10:15
judgment to the loudest voice, so many people
10:21
get manipulated each day and they don't realize
10:23
they're getting manipulated, but then they fall into
10:25
this trap and then their plan kind of
10:30
diminishes.
10:32
And they're now following somebody else's program.
10:34
Number 17, avoid turning healthy confidence into necessary
10:41
confrontation.
10:44
You can be firm, calm, and respectful.
10:52
Volume isn't the same as strength.
10:55
Many people think it is because they can
10:57
use it to be a big, bad wolf.
11:00
Loud doesn't mean powerful.
11:02
Loud doesn't mean respectful.
11:06
I think that's an important piece that a
11:09
lot of people realize they get lost with
11:15
that and they're saying, oh my gosh, what
11:18
does this really mean?
11:20
Number 18, recognize that flexibility and integrity can
11:26
coexist together.
11:28
You may adjust the plan or you might
11:30
have things when circumstances change while still protecting
11:34
the value behind it.
11:37
Number 19, create practical consequences for repeated boundary
11:42
violations.
11:44
If interruptions continue, end the call, change your
11:48
availability or stop, get away, choose responses you
11:53
can actually follow through on.
11:54
Maybe somebody's being rude to you.
11:56
Maybe they're cursing you out, right?
11:59
And I've had this happen with clients and
12:02
they're frustrated and they curse.
12:03
And I say, excuse, I just want to
12:04
let you know, we have a no nonsense
12:06
policy for no discrimination of race, religion, orientation,
12:09
color, creed, or any type of abusive or
12:12
foul language.
12:15
And they're like, huh?
12:16
So why was it cursing you?
12:17
I was cursing the situation.
12:18
It doesn't matter.
12:20
It doesn't matter what you're cursing at or
12:24
for what I'm not going to be here
12:26
and hear that.
12:28
I don't want to hear that.
12:29
Okay.
12:30
So when you learn to talk respectfully with
12:33
me, I'll stay.
12:34
But right now I'm going to leave.
12:36
You can draw that boundary, right?
12:39
Choose responses you can actually follow through with.
12:43
That's important.
12:48
Number 20, stop allowing urgency to replace importance.
12:54
Someone else's rush isn't automatically your emergency.
12:59
Check the real deadline before rearranging your life.
13:03
I was watching a Instagram short before, and
13:08
they were using a lot of curses.
13:10
And it was funny.
13:10
It was at an emergency room and they
13:11
said, this should be played every emergency room.
13:13
And they were using all kinds of four
13:15
letter superlatives.
13:16
And they would say something like, you know,
13:20
if you're here and you broke your blank,
13:25
blank nail, you can go home and blank,
13:28
blank yourself.
13:29
Right.
13:29
Then they said, if you're here and, you
13:34
know, you just happened to bump into a
13:38
door and you're not bleeding, you can go
13:42
home too.
13:43
And they would just kind of, I mean,
13:44
it was funny how they did this.
13:45
I mean, just like it was crazy, but
13:47
a lot of people do create what I
13:50
call the hypochondriac effect.
13:53
Why?
13:54
I get that they want to make sure
13:55
nothing's wrong, but some people just want attention.
13:59
Right.
13:59
So stop allowing urgency to replace importance.
14:03
Your life will change.
14:04
Number 21, review whether your actions match your
14:09
stated values.
14:11
If you say family matters, you'd never make
14:14
time for them.
14:15
Your schedule may need attention.
14:20
You might've heard the phrase a long time
14:22
ago, talk the talk, but do you walk
14:26
the walk?
14:28
Many people talk the talk because they want
14:31
to appear that way, but they really don't
14:34
walk the walk.
14:35
They really don't practice it in their daily
14:37
life.
14:39
I think that's an important one, but a
14:42
lot of people would disagree.
14:43
Number 22, protect the routines that support your
14:47
wellbeing.
14:48
Rest, movement, reflection, and focused work deserves space.
14:54
Not just whatever time remains, you'll fit it
14:57
in.
14:58
No, schedule rest time, schedule time for yourself.
15:03
Number 23, recognize when old habits attempt to
15:09
return and they will.
15:12
People pleasing and over-committing can reappear under
15:15
stress.
15:17
Notice the pattern early and reset.
15:23
I think you might be afraid to say,
15:24
wait a minute.
15:25
I don't really want to reset.
15:26
Like, you know, it was just one time.
15:28
Well, one time is one thing, but if
15:30
one time becomes five times, 10 times, you
15:32
know, and then you're going to have a
15:33
big problem because you're constantly thinking that, yes,
15:37
this is the way it's going to go.
15:38
But you've got to be kind to yourself.
15:42
Number 24, guys, prepare responses before predictable challenges
15:49
arise.
15:51
Practice saying, I can't take that on today,
15:54
or I can help on Thursday.
15:58
Preparation reduces pressure.
16:00
So I said, well, gee, I could use
16:01
you tomorrow.
16:02
Well, I'd be happy to help you tomorrow
16:04
after five, once I get my things done.
16:07
Well, I really need you 10.
16:09
I have 10 o'clock available on Friday.
16:12
So don't let somebody's agenda change what you're
16:17
going to deliver or what you're going to
16:19
promise.
16:20
Don't allow that manipulation trick.
16:22
Too many people do it and it causes
16:25
respect to be eroded almost immediately.
16:29
Number 25, stop negotiating with every distraction.
16:36
Decide right now when you'll check messages, take
16:40
breaks, and return to your priorities.
16:46
You don't need a fresh debate each time.
16:49
And if somebody's challenging, oh, you can't do
16:51
that now, then you realize that's probably somebody
16:56
you don't want to be around, okay?
16:58
And I think that's a very important thing.
17:02
If that happens in your life, you're gonna
17:04
be like, oh my gosh, like what do
17:06
I do now, right?
17:10
What do I do now?
17:14
And I think sometimes people get really lost
17:19
with that concept.
17:22
They don't realize that people's, let's say very
17:30
clever manipulation is taking them down a pathway
17:34
that they never wanted to go down, but
17:37
yet they go down it because they're trying
17:40
to be quote unquote, a people pleaser.
17:44
I'm not saying don't be nice to people,
17:47
but I am saying don't let people walk
17:49
on you.
17:51
That's what I'm saying.
17:52
Don't let people walk on you.
17:58
Cause if you do it once, it's going
17:59
to happen again and again and again and
18:02
again, and again.
18:05
Right?
18:09
If you understand what's happening and you become
18:11
aware of it, you're going to now be
18:13
like, oh, wait a minute.
18:15
I now, I'm going to stop that.
18:23
I'm going to stop that.
18:30
And then you'd be able to say, wait
18:32
a minute, this can change, right?
18:38
This can change.
18:45
And if it changes, your life is going
18:49
to get better.
18:51
So don't allow somebody to manipulate you.
18:58
Don't allow that.
19:00
You are better than that.
19:05
Decide when and where you're going to do
19:07
something.
19:07
Don't let somebody else tell you, well, you
19:08
better do it now.
19:09
You better check your messages.
19:10
Now you better check email.
19:11
Now I'll check it when I'm ready.
19:14
Don't let somebody manipulate you.
19:18
Do not do that guys.
19:20
Do not do that.
19:25
Number 26, please practice calm confidence instead of
19:33
defense.
19:36
Civness, a steady tone shows others.
19:41
You respect both yourself and the person hearing
19:45
your answers.
19:46
When you come out like a madman or
19:48
a mad lady, I mean, it's like people
19:51
like, oh, I don't want to be around
19:52
that.
19:52
No, I don't want to be around that
19:53
crazy person.
19:57
And we can't control people around us, but
19:59
let me just give you a secret.
20:01
If you realize this and you are aware,
20:11
you can control how you react.
20:16
Okay.
20:20
How you react.
20:26
That's important guys.
20:30
You can control how you react.
20:34
And then other people are gonna be like,
20:36
wait a minute.
20:42
Then they change their response.
20:47
Okay.
20:53
That's important guys.
20:56
That's the importance of life.
20:59
And I think the more we become aware
21:01
of something, the more we can say, wait
21:02
a minute, this is something that I now
21:06
I'm doing in my life, not because I
21:08
have to, but because I want to, okay.
21:13
Number 27, accept that strong boundaries may change
21:17
some relationships.
21:19
It's going to happen.
21:20
Don't lose sleep over it.
21:21
People accustomed to unlimited access may need time
21:24
to adjust healthy relationships, allow respectful limits.
21:28
If somebody is like, you know, all over,
21:30
you're saying, wait a minute, I can't do
21:32
this, or used to be like that.
21:34
Yes, I did.
21:35
I've changed.
21:35
I now limit my access because I need
21:38
to take care of myself.
21:39
You don't have to say it in that
21:40
manner, but people can be selfish in our
21:44
world.
21:45
It's not nice to say I've seen it
21:47
firsthand.
21:57
That's important guys.
21:59
So accept that strong boundary today.
22:02
Don't just say, wait a minute.
22:03
I don't know if I can do it.
22:06
You can set boundaries today.
22:08
You can set them tomorrow.
22:09
Don't be nasty about it.
22:11
You just put in your mind what you
22:14
are going to do.
22:15
I'm going to help somebody for 30 minutes.
22:16
I'm going to come here for an hour.
22:18
That's it.
22:19
Even on social media, because I run a
22:21
lot of social media, as you guys know,
22:23
I had somebody coming back on a couple
22:25
channels.
22:25
They were being a little disrespectful.
22:27
They thought they were humorous.
22:29
I didn't even bother commenting.
22:31
I just blocked them and removed them and
22:32
the comment.
22:33
So a lot of people try to act
22:36
funny with sarcasm and they do it for
22:39
attention.
22:40
But really the attention they're getting is how
22:45
disgusting and how, let's say undesirable they are.
22:51
So accept those strong boundaries.
22:53
Okay.
22:54
Number 28, strengthen trust by honoring your own
22:58
commitments.
22:59
Each time you follow through, give yourself evidence
23:01
that your decisions mean something to you.
23:05
Am I can assure you the world's going
23:06
to be like, wait a minute.
23:09
Yeah, I can do that.
23:12
You absolutely can guys.
23:13
You absolutely can do that, but you've got
23:19
to make sure that you take consistent, deliberate
23:22
action.
23:23
You don't just do something because it's convenient
23:26
today.
23:27
Or somebody said, oh, I'm going to do
23:28
that.
23:29
You want to be consistent all the time.
23:33
If you can't be consistent, how are you
23:38
ever going to establish a baseline?
23:41
How?
23:43
And people are going to see that you
23:44
don't really hold true to your word.
23:46
And I think not holding true to your
23:48
word is probably one of the worst things
23:49
that somebody can do today.
23:51
Not holding true to their word.
23:55
We're not here to judge other people, but
23:58
when other people are judging us for how
24:01
we react, that's different.
24:05
You don't have to judge them, but we
24:07
can just politely leave the situation.
24:11
End the call, stop communicating on the email
24:14
or the text or social media.
24:17
We're not here to be a target, but
24:21
too many people out there think they should
24:23
be.
24:24
Okay.
24:25
So stand firm and repeat your choices.
24:29
Number 30, protect the freedom you've worked so
24:34
hard to create.
24:35
You recognize the pattern, you chose a direction
24:39
and you began to break free.
24:43
Now give that progress a structure that actually
24:49
lasts.
24:52
Can you do that?
24:53
Or do you think you'll be sidestepped by
24:55
somebody saying, oh, well, you can't act that
24:57
way.
24:58
I don't want you to act that way.
24:59
Why?
25:00
Well, basically they don't tell you, but it's
25:03
better for me if you act the other
25:05
way.
25:13
I think that's important.
25:20
And I think sometimes people get stuck in
25:26
that rut and they're like, I don't know
25:28
what I'm supposed to do.
25:29
So ladies and gentlemen, here is your Tuesday
25:31
challenge.
25:32
Are you ready for it?
25:33
I know you are.
25:34
Number one, here is the challenge.
25:37
Okay.
25:38
Choose one boundary.
25:39
Again, just one boundary you're struggling to maintain
25:42
right now.
25:43
It could be relationships, could be finances, whatever
25:46
it is.
25:47
Write that boundary down, how you're going to
25:51
communicate it and what you're going to do
25:53
if it's challenged this week, maybe it's a
25:55
financial boundary where you're going to say, you
25:57
know, when I go out, I'm just going
25:59
to go for pizza or I'm only going
26:01
to order an entree and say, well, why
26:03
don't you give me something else?
26:04
I don't want it.
26:05
And then don't let somebody talk you into
26:07
that.
26:07
So write it down on paper.
26:10
Okay.
26:11
And if it's challenged, keep your response respectful.
26:15
Maybe you have a boundary that you want
26:17
to make sure that you don't give any
26:19
more than 30 minutes of volunteer time this
26:21
week, friend, neighbor, whoever.
26:24
Oh, I still need you to help me.
26:26
I got more to do.
26:27
I'd love to stay and help.
26:28
I've got some things I got to finish
26:30
up.
26:30
Um, I probably can come over for another
26:32
30 minutes next week.
26:33
Oh, well, you can't give me just another,
26:35
I'm sorry.
26:36
I have other things I need to do.
26:38
Oh, oh, okay.
26:40
And when they see that you're not able
26:42
to be flipped, they just made, oh, okay.
26:46
But if they know they can manipulate you
26:48
like, oh, well, we'll just go to five
26:50
minutes, 10 minutes, and you have people say,
26:52
oh, just five minutes.
26:53
Right.
26:53
And you'll give five minutes, but then that
26:55
five is comes into the five.
26:56
So maybe it's, oh, can you just help
26:57
me move this?
26:58
It's just five minutes.
26:59
But then if they ask you, okay, I
27:01
really got to get going now.
27:02
I gave you five minutes.
27:03
It's been another five minutes.
27:04
It's now been 40 minutes.
27:05
I got something I got to do.
27:07
I had promised you 30.
27:08
I've given you 40.
27:08
I got to go.
27:10
That's it.
27:12
That's all it is.
27:14
So write it down, communicate how you're going
27:17
to handle it.
27:18
Keep your responses, respectful, realistic, and consistent and
27:22
kind of ad lib in your mind.
27:24
So our journey continues folks.
27:27
Saturday, we recognize Sunday.
27:29
We chose Monday.
27:30
We broke free.
27:31
And today we're proudly standing firm Wednesday.
27:35
We're going to start trusting.
27:36
Thursday, we're going to rise again and Friday
27:39
we will live free.
27:42
Ladies and gentlemen, I am John C.
27:44
Morley, serial entrepreneur, engineer, author, and so much
27:47
more.
27:47
I thank you for choosing to join me
27:49
today on the empowering inspirations for your life
27:52
show.
27:52
Remember your freedom isn't protected by what you
27:55
announce.
27:56
It's protected by what you practice.
28:00
Stay driven, keep growing.
28:02
And you know what ladies and gentlemen, I'm
28:04
going to see you on another episode real
28:05
soon.
28:05
Take care.
28:06
Remember what I said tonight.