Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #85 Helping Kids Find Their Tribe

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#85 Helping Kids Find Their Tribe · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's The Heavy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers now,
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  Speaker 1: and today we're talking about a subject that is top
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  Speaker 1: of mind for doctor Justin Coilson, which is helping our
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  Speaker 1: children find their tribe. I'm Susie Luke's joining me as
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  Speaker 1: well as we get into this discussion. Doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: Always great to see.
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  Speaker 2: It's so good to be here.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here now helping our children find
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  Speaker 1: a tribe. This is front of mine for you at
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  Speaker 1: the moment right. What's brought it to the front of
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  Speaker 1: your mind.
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  Speaker 2: I got asked to write an article about kids making friends,
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  Speaker 2: but perhaps more than that, I've just finished writing the
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  Speaker 2: manuscript for my next book. It's about teenage girls. It's
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  Speaker 2: being edited right now. It comes out early next year.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so excited about it. What are the biggest issues
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  Speaker 2: that teenage girls face. It's not just a teenage girl issue,
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  Speaker 2: by the way. I mean this is universal even for
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  Speaker 2: us as adults, but certainly for our kids. Is trying
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  Speaker 2: to fit in social groups are so important as humans.
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  Speaker 2: We are ultra social and when when well for teenage
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  Speaker 2: girls in particularly quite often they'll what's the word I'm
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  Speaker 2: looking for. I was going to say hook up, but
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  Speaker 2: I can't use that word the way I might have
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  Speaker 2: ten years ago. But they'll make friends with a whole
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  Speaker 2: bunch of kids who they think it's good to be
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  Speaker 2: friends with, but they're not really their people. And when
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  Speaker 2: we don't have strong friendships, we tend to struggle. We're
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  Speaker 2: more likely to experience anxiety and depression, We're more likely
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  Speaker 2: to hate going to school, or you know, the kids
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  Speaker 2: are at least, we just don't tend to flourish as well.
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  Speaker 2: We struggle when we don't have rock solid friendships with
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  Speaker 2: people who are like us, people who are part of
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  Speaker 2: who we are. You know, you hear the phrase they're
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  Speaker 2: my people belong you belong there.
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  Speaker 3: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: And when our kids find their tribe, something lights up
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  Speaker 2: inside them. They feel so happy, they feel so joyful.
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  Speaker 2: And I was thinking about this in relation to the
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  Speaker 2: teenage girls and kids generally. What is it that makes
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  Speaker 2: them join the tribe that isn't really their tribe? And
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  Speaker 2: what can we do to help them find their Oh, this.
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  Speaker 1: Is a good question, because yes, I'm looking forward to
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  Speaker 1: the book about teenage girls, but I have a pre
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  Speaker 1: teen boy who struggles in this area of friendship and
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  Speaker 1: finding his people because he's so different to our other two.
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  Speaker 1: The other two natural magnets for kids, but this one
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  Speaker 1: is not. Not that he's repulsive, but he's really struggled
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  Speaker 1: to find his people. So I'm keen to get your
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  Speaker 1: ideas on this on how to help our children, because
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  Speaker 1: it feels like something I shouldn't be involved with as
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  Speaker 1: a parent in a way.
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  Speaker 2: I know, do you step in or do you step out?
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  Speaker 2: There's a couple of things that I need to highlight.
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  Speaker 2: First thing is just because kids are shy or introverted
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  Speaker 2: doesn't mean that they can't find a tribe. In fact,
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  Speaker 2: usually just one significant other is often enough. But we
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  Speaker 2: don't need to We don't need to stress that our
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  Speaker 2: kids are shy or quiet or introverted and therefore they're
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  Speaker 2: not going to have any friends. Plenty of people I
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  Speaker 2: know who are very very quiet, people who have some
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  Speaker 2: deep and rich friendships. They've found their tribe just fine.
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  Speaker 2: So the first thing that I would suggest. The second
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  Speaker 2: thing is that idea that you mentioned, Susie. It's so
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  Speaker 2: tempting as parents to step in and force friendships to
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  Speaker 2: happen doesn't tend to work out so well. Most of
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  Speaker 2: the time, our kids need to have some level of autonomy.
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  Speaker 2: They might need a bit of encouragement, and certainly we
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  Speaker 2: can arrange play dates, or we can arrange meetups, or
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  Speaker 2: we can take them to the movies with friends, or
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  Speaker 2: have parties or weekend gatherings to encourage friendships to grow.
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  Speaker 2: But ultimately the kids have eventually got to do the
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  Speaker 2: heavy lifting of sharing something of themselves and having that
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  Speaker 2: reciprocated by another. So I've got three things that we
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  Speaker 2: can do to help our kids find their tribe.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but I'm ready with pen
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  Speaker 1: and paid. Well, actually, I've got my computer here with
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  Speaker 1: me with an email open address to myself the subject
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  Speaker 1: line helping kids find their tribe, and I'm just going
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  Speaker 1: to take notes while you give it.
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  Speaker 2: So good.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I need the answer to this question about particularly
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  Speaker 1: for one of our children to help.
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  Speaker 3: Us, because he is shy, which is what you said,
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  Speaker 3: is not a disqualifier for this, but he is also
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  Speaker 3: joked about it. He is also slightly strange in that
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  Speaker 3: he sees and processes the world uniquely to most of
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  Speaker 3: the children. He's encountered. It's so beautiful when you unpack it.
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  Speaker 3: And when he becomes an adult, it won't be an
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  Speaker 3: issue because he, like you sort of learn how you
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  Speaker 3: see the world differently. But at the moment, I think
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  Speaker 3: it's a part of why he's The kids he's started
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  Speaker 3: to hang out with he hasn't fit with because they
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  Speaker 3: don't see the world he sees it. So what are
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  Speaker 3: the three steps to help him? So we just want
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  Speaker 3: to go here this kid, your friends go yeah, but
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  Speaker 3: how do we do it?
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  Speaker 2: Okay? The first one sounds really simple.
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  Speaker 3: It's kind of.
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  Speaker 2: Like the most obvious you know, from the University of
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  Speaker 2: Dure kind of advice, and yet it's actually really complicated.
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  Speaker 2: The first piece of advice is this, encourage them to
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  Speaker 2: join a team or a group of some kind. And
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  Speaker 2: this might be a church group, it could be a
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  Speaker 2: football team, it could be I've got a friend. You know,
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  Speaker 2: you're talking about people who are strange. I think this
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  Speaker 2: is strange. He doesn't think it's strange at all. But
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  Speaker 2: he's one of those. He's got those make believe swords
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  Speaker 2: and medieval costumes and I can't know what it's cosplay.
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  Speaker 3: No, No, it's a different like cosplay is more about
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  Speaker 3: the cartoon character like heroes.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's yeah, even sort of stuff. And this is
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  Speaker 2: completely normal to him. I think it's a bit strange,
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  Speaker 2: but they love it, and I think how wonderful that
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  Speaker 2: he's not on his own, that there are so many
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  Speaker 2: people that actually are into that. Sometimes we might need
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  Speaker 2: to experiment. And this is where it gets tricky, because
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  Speaker 2: we might put them into this sport or into this club,
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  Speaker 2: or into this hobby and after three weeks they say,
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  Speaker 2: don't like it, haven't got any friends. And so we've
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  Speaker 2: got to deal with that issue of friendships take time,
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  Speaker 2: and so does skill acquisition. We've got to work out
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  Speaker 2: the balance of am I going to get them to
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  Speaker 2: do it for twelve weeks, for a term, for a year,
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  Speaker 2: for three years. At what point do I say, you know,
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  Speaker 2: we've given that a good go, no friends, no skills,
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  Speaker 2: Let's try something else. But as parents, we've got to
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  Speaker 2: use our wisdom there. The reality is not every kid's
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  Speaker 2: going to make friends at school. If you've got the
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  Speaker 2: finances to shop around for schools, or if you've got
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  Speaker 2: the opportunity unity to try different things that might work.
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  Speaker 2: I know in our family that has been very important,
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  Speaker 2: but not everybody gets to do that, and ironically, the
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  Speaker 2: more expensive school wasn't necessarily the best school. We found
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  Speaker 2: a much cheaper option that seemed to match our kids
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  Speaker 2: far better. The second idea is one of my favorites,
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  Speaker 2: and that is that we want to dispel the cult
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  Speaker 2: of celebrity. Here's what I mean by that. Too often
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  Speaker 2: our kids get caught up in wanting to be in
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  Speaker 2: the wrong crowd. And when I say the wrong crowd,
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  Speaker 2: I don't mean a bunch of kids doing the wrong thing.
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  Speaker 2: I mean a crowd that's not attuned or aligned with
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  Speaker 2: the natural leanings and strengths of our child. So it's
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  Speaker 2: usually a child that desperately, like me when I was
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  Speaker 2: a teenager, wants to hang out with the cool kids,
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  Speaker 2: even though we didn't share any interests and we didn't
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  Speaker 2: have anything in common, didn't even have shared values, And
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  Speaker 2: in fact, I got mocked by the cool kids all
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  Speaker 2: the time for trying to hang out with them because
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't a cool kid. Being part of the school
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  Speaker 2: celebrity group, though, is just such hard work if you're
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  Speaker 2: not really part of it. It's super competitive, it's big personalities,
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  Speaker 2: this cutthroat ethic. You know you're either in or you're out.
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  Speaker 2: And I've got a wonderful friend, Rebecca Sparrow. She wrote
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  Speaker 2: a book called Find Your Tribe, and she said this,
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  Speaker 2: and I quote, don't think for a second that hanging
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  Speaker 2: around with the cool group will make you seem attractive.
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  Speaker 2: There's nothing attractive about someone who behaves like a sheep
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  Speaker 2: and follows a leader. You're way better off hanging around
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  Speaker 2: with your tribe. So if we can help our kids
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  Speaker 2: to recognize that the cold of celebrity in the schoolyard
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  Speaker 2: is actually meaningless, which is really hard when you're in
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  Speaker 2: the schoolyard and it seems like it's everything. If we
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  Speaker 2: can dispel that myth, powerful things can happen. One of
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  Speaker 2: my kids recently said to me, Dad, I'm not one
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  Speaker 2: of the cool kids, and I've made peace with that
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  Speaker 2: because I know who I am and I know what
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  Speaker 2: I stand for, and I don't like what the cool
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  Speaker 2: kids do. It's taken me this many years to figure
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  Speaker 2: it out, but I've got a couple of good friends
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  Speaker 2: and that's good enough for me. The last idea, this
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  Speaker 2: is actually my favorite encourage introspection. And here's what I
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  Speaker 2: mean by that kids get really excited or really anxiety
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  Speaker 2: prone about their friends. We've already talked about that, and
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  Speaker 2: they want to be popular on that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: But I think that it pays to encourage them to
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  Speaker 2: just be quietly introspective and ask the following two crucial questions.
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  Speaker 2: Question number one, do I like myself when I'm around
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  Speaker 2: these people? And question two? Do I feel like I'm
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  Speaker 2: being true to who I am when I'm around these people?
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  Speaker 1: Sorry my typing. Do I feel like.
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  Speaker 3: I'm being.
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  Speaker 1: To who I am when I'm around these people?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: Do I feel like I'm being true to me? Do
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  Speaker 2: I live with integrity when I hang around these people?
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  Speaker 2: Because when your kids answer yes to those questions, it
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  Speaker 2: means they've found their tribe, they've found their people. They're
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  Speaker 2: their authentic selves, and they're around people who are supporting
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  Speaker 2: that authentic So.
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  Speaker 3: That's interesting because that takes potentially from just being around
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  Speaker 3: someone who you can have fun with and enjoy. There's
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  Speaker 3: another level of what your tribe is, and that's who
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  Speaker 3: they enable you to be.
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  Speaker 2: We're diving into values. I know we're getting a bit
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  Speaker 2: deep for a conversation like this, but but this is
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  Speaker 2: what our kids are craving, and unfortunately, the school yard
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  Speaker 2: does not encourage this. The schoolyard's all about being popular,
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  Speaker 2: it's all about being call it's all about being the
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  Speaker 2: celebrity of the school, and so many of our kids
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  Speaker 2: get caught up and just want to be around the
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  Speaker 2: cool kid. If they can find others, though, who appreciate
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  Speaker 2: them for who they are, who share common values and
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  Speaker 2: allow them to be their authentic self, that is, if
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  Speaker 2: they're able to say, yes, I like myself one I'm
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  Speaker 2: around this person, I don't feel like I have to
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  Speaker 2: try to be something that i'm not someone that I'm not.
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  Speaker 2: That's when we're starting to help them define their people.
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  Speaker 3: So good, very good. So if you've forgotten Susie was
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  Speaker 3: taking and it just sent because she needed to later.
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  Speaker 3: I actually it is quite funny because we you started
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  Speaker 3: this conversation thinking about one of our children, I've finished
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  Speaker 3: it thinking about a completely different child. Yeah, and the
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  Speaker 3: help that we need to give him to navigate this space.
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  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Wilson, amazing conversation about helping our children find
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  Speaker 3: their tribes. Thank you so much.
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  Speaker 2: I just love being with you guys.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks to find out more on this and many other
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  Speaker 1: topics go to happy Families dot com dot au or,
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  Speaker 1: of course, if you're interested in having doctor Justin Coilson
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  Speaker 1: come and speak at your school or event, find out
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  Speaker 1: more at Justincilson dot com