Latest / Nurtural Disasters / Bad Vibes & Breast Implants
Transcript
- Lisa: Hello and welcome to Nurtural Disasters. This is a podcast for those of us with toxic or emotionally immature parents. ⁓ We might not have a bunch of credentials next to our names, but we do have PhDs from the Hard Knocks University. Basically, we want this to be a validating space for adult children of parents who had no business having children. ⁓ Ken: Welcome to Nurtural Disasters with Ken and Lisa. Lisa: I I was just wondering about your mom, even though she has dementia right now, did Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: she have any narcissistic traits or was she more of like the the enabler parent? She enabled your dad and it was like the meek Asian mom. Ken: I think she was, yeah, I think she was more enabling. my dad had total control over everything. my mom, you know, she she had like odd jobs here and there. She ended up having like a little clothing store. where she she kind of like managed everything at that point. But a lot of like the, you know, administrative stuff, to deal with like taxes and all that other stuff, like payment of insurance and all this administrative stuff. My dad took total total control of that. And he did not feel like, informing her, right? So he took control of everything. so he controlled everything and he he never told anything to his wife, like things you could do, I think a lot of it was to keep her kind of ignorant to kind of control her. That's what I'm thinking. Lisa: that's a stereotype though, the the submissive Asian wife. Ken: My mom was definitely not very submissive. She was very mean. there came a point where every weekend, like during my teenagers, they would have like a big fight every weekend. So they would argue to each other. And by the time I became like thirteen or fourteen, I was like, why don't you guys just get a divorce so we don't have to deal with this every week? Me and my sister, it was like we're just you guys always like yell at each other like you hate each other. And my mom had like a really big mean streak. And I my dad had a really big main streak, so they just ar you each other, But a lot of it is he kept my mom in the dark a about a lot of things. just adult stuff. he shielded her from a lot of you know real world stuff that you have to do in life. which was problematic because I think he did that with all of us, well, my sister and me. And then after a while I became adult and I was like, yeah, I don't want to listen to you know, your ideas or advice or something like that. 'Cause a lot of the stuff like coercion. He has total control over everything, so when you kind of like raise your family that way, your f your family's totally reliant on you, and which is perfect for my dad because that gives him s supreme leverage at that point. You know what I'm saying, Lisa? Yeah, supreme leverage. Like you have a bunch you have three people that don't know how to do things, and it played into my dad's hand. The good thing is me and my sister we decided to like, lear try to learn things by ourselves, try to, you know, be adult for lack of a better term. But a lot of the things is I I think by the time I was twenty five or twenty-six, I think I surpassed my dad in terms of like knowledge about how to do things. Lisa: Yeah. Ken: Not not just just, you know, how to pay your taxes, pay your insurance, all that other stuff. But I started doing things that my dad would never do. Change the oil in my car, change my tire, fix things around the house, like basic plumbing and things like that. Programming like televisions. This is stuff that my dad would never do. He was not handy at all. So a lot of that stuff is I went above and beyond to make sure that I don't end up, you know, having to rely on anybody. And I almost done it to a point where I kind of I try not to rely on anybody because it just reminds me of How it was growing up and having to fully rely on dad. I could just imagine my mom, you have to fully rely on your husband. I don't like that. What do you think, Lisa? Lisa: Yeah, I did not know this dynamic. I mean I know there were some issues with your exes with your mom before she had her dementia. Cognitive dec decline. So Ken: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lisa: I didn't know what the what her role was. Ken: Well about that, I know who you're talking about, and Lisa: Mm-hmm. Ken: I was not surprised after a while to know that my dad was pulling the strings for that. Lisa: Yeah, when you said that, but that's still they were this person was still very, very hurt by being kicked out of the house. Ken: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Lisa: Even though you know, it's like your partner's being kicked out of the house, that's not cool. Ken: By the way, not the first time they did that. Not the last time they did that either. Lisa: For this person s well, for this person Ken: Well, for this person, maybe, but for like other people that I've dated in the past, yeah, and in the future, there's a reason why I'm almost completely estranged from my parents. Lisa: But okay. So yeah, this person said it was like, from what they told me, mom yelled at them like she was American and it was like we only speak Chinese here and just screamed at her, kicked her out. So yeah, yeah. And and I Ken: Yep. That is true. Lisa: it just thought like, maybe they're just racist. So if you had brought a home A Chinese girl, maybe they would have been happy, but then probably not. They would have found something else to nitpick. Ken: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's it it's I never gone that far to be like, yeah, when the race is correct? Think about it, when the race is correct, what else are they gonna complain about? Lisa: Yeah. Ken: When someone's building a case against you, they're just looking for anything to move to goal posts Right? Like they th Lisa: Yea yeah. Ken: these things that you think qualify no longer qualify because now I demand this out of this person. And that's just how my well, I don't want to say it's my parents, but it's mostly my dad. it's that goal post man, it was terrible last week, Lisa. I like had a conversation with him and I was just sitting there and he just complained about like things that had no meaning to me. Lisa: Wait, was this Ken: And Lisa: wait, wait, wait. Was this why his birthday last weekend? Ken: No, it was right after the birthday. it really pissed me off because I'm looking at my mom and my mom's kind of deteriorated to a place where she kind of doesn't even recognize me. She just looks at me and that's about it now. this is as bad as it's been. And my dad, like, you know, he comments about my mom and he tells stories that I don't wanna go too deep into it. But it pretty much equated this like, well, she's done these things in the past and it's kinda like she's deserving of being in this condition. And I'm like, You said this Lisa: Wait, wait, what? Ken: about your wife? Lisa: She deserves to be in this condition. He said that about her. Ken: Yeah. Mm-hmm. For lack of a better translation, that's pretty much where the story came to. It's like a long story about, just past stories about my mom, her relationship with her sister, my dad never liking her sister. And he he tells these stories to me. And I'm probably gonna end up cutting this a lot of this out. It's like it's like why do I care about this story? But the major thing I care about is you said this about your wife. That she has dementia and she's deserving of this. And that's all you have to know about my dad. Every time I think that maybe I'm a little too mean to my dad, he s does things like this, and I'm like, yeah, I'm the right amount of how I'm supposed to treat him. It reminds me why I don't have a better relationship with him. It reminds me why I try to keep my distance. he's lucky that I'm a person that's full of like, empathy and love that I don't punch him in the face when I see him. There has been times where I was in much more of a worse shape. probably in my mid twenties, that I was just a very angry person at that point and 'cause I just couldn't figure out life. That was when I wanted to punch him in the face. Now I I try not to. you know Yeah, I do not want to talk about my Lisa: that out. Ken: dad. Like my dad is just a piece of shit. Lisa: Yeah, and the thing is like, as shitty as he treats you, he actually wanted you, right? Which is so weird because it was like Ken: Or he is either that or he wanted the idea of me. Lisa: You know what? That's a good point. Ken: He wanted a son, you know, unfortunately I don't think I'm like the ideal son for him. Because I don't listen to him like wholeheartedly and do exactly what he wants, so for him he just has me because I don't know. Having a kid is a thing. all his other brothers had kids, were sons. So I'm not sure what it is there. Maybe it's just ego thing. I c I could just imagine what'd happen if it was only my sister and that's all he could have. Lisa: Hm. Ken: He has a superiority complex, so I'm like, I could just wonder what happens if that was something he couldn't like tout. I think after a while I was like, I wasn't very successful, and very smart or very good looking, and he really didn't like that all that stuff together, right? I don't know. Lisa: yeah, I I don't know either. yeah. I mean your parents wouldn't go all Lindsay Clancy on you and just kill you. Ken: I don't know, I I'm not sure if a lot of it was they didn't want to kill me because of like optics. They're so into optics of Asian Lisa: Mm. Ken: people. I don't want people to know that we're bad parents. What's worse? Parents than p parents that kill their children. I think that I Lisa: Yeah. Ken: think that I think that kept me alive, Lisa. That kept me alive. Lisa: Yeah, I I c I can s totally see that. Even with my own mom where it's like, what's worse than being a bad parent? Being perceived as a bad parent? Ken: Yeah, they were worried about the other people talking, right? I don't think it we talk about maybe just how maybe how you know, race and culture goes into this, you know, Lindsay being a white woman. Where I don't think she I don't think she had the same kind of like thought process as our parents would, right? just having a small like immigrant community just thinking about, yeah, this is How are optics gonna be for this? I don't think she that ever encountered her mind other than being a white woman. So I think that's different right there. Lisa: Yeah, I I feel like this could be a clip where it's like What's worse than being a bad parent? Being perceived as a bad parent by others. That's yeah. Ken: Yeah, and yeah, and that's really what being immigrant like like a minority in this country is just your parents just are very into optics or just how other people view you as like a parent and that's really important to you. And I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it, but you're remember how your mom kept saying that you went to US C. I'm not sure if that's just like a brag for her. Just to make Lisa: No, Ken: her Lisa: she doesn't know. It it's the only school that she knows. She does she doesn't know anything. She's functionally illiterate. Like she doesn't know anything. y yeah, Ken: she's literally dumb as a rock then. Lisa: exactly. 'Cause funny cause she would always tell other people and it's like Lisa doesn't know anything. Like people come like, Lisa doesn't know anything and she was projecting, obviously. But at the time I didn't know. I'm like, how do I not know anything? It's something that I was literally like very knowledgeable at but I s Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: I would just be like, okay, if people would ask me, like, yeah, do this, do this, do this. at that time I was like say my 20s, I was like really into like working out and eating healthy and other people in my family who were overweight, they're like, okay, what should I do? I'm like, okay, maybe do this, do this, X, Y, and Z, whatever. And then she would tell them, She doesn't know anything. She doesn't know anything. I'm like And they would tell me Ken: my gosh, my parents did that to me too. But you know, Lisa: Really? Ken: a yeah. Especially my mom and she's like, you know you have to care more about you know, finances and stuff like that and investing. And it's like, this is a lady that doesn't do any of that. But she was projecting it on me. For my dad is like, yeah, he doesn't know anything. He's not like emotionally, like you know, emotionally intelligent. And it's ironic, right? Because I think the way I progress was like, yeah, into both of those things. Much more so than my parents ever were. Like I I'm very self aware. I'm very like keen on like financial stuff. And I think a lot of that is like my parents were just projecting on me. They just that's stuff they didn't know. Like my dad wasn't just emotionally aware as he thought he was. He's not. Like I've I've told my therapist that I don't think my dad knows himself as well as he thinks. He's not self aware. It's just it's it's it's problematic. Lisa: Yeah. Yeah. It's funny, with my mom, yeah, it was pretty similar where it's like she she never ate healthy and but she did have like liposuction a few times. Ken: A few times. Lisa: Yeah, because like the first time she had lipo on her stomach, and then right after literally the doctor, like their plastic surgeon, said, only eat like an apple for breakfast and it was a very restricted diet, like very low carb kind of a thing. This is but it was very specific. For morning you do this to this. She would be like, I wanna eat pasta for dinner after having this liposuction And she would have liposection and then she gained the weight back. So she had liposection again. but then it would it was weird because I was very thin and I was very, very weight conscious. You know. I had a I was I would just say like borderline eating disorder or E Ken: Mm. Lisa: D as they could say, so you don't get demonetized. So I was just like Ken: I I I'm I'm pretty sure E D means something else. Lisa: Erectile dysfunction. Ken: Well, if that's case, then blue chew, please give us a advertisement. I'll advertise that blue chew for you right here. Lisa: okay. The was it Cialus Viag Viagra? Ken: Dude, I Blue Chew Blue Chew like advertises everywhere every podcast has a Blue Chew ad now. It's insane. Lisa: Yeah, I had an erectile dysfunction as a Ken: Yeah. Does your pecker not work? Lisa: my my picker was not working. It just Ken: Yeah, Lisa's pecker's not working, so give her some blue chew. Lisa: Yeah, I guess I have some stuff to disclose. Ken: She'll start chirping in the bedroom. Lisa: I have some stuff to disclose to the audience, apparently. Yeah Wait, I'm I'm just so lost. Actually we need to go well what was I talking? What the fuck was I talking? Wait, wait. Ken: I don't know. I think you you were talking about how you were having like a you know, eating problem. Lisa: right. So she was she had a that's right, liposuction, ate a bunch of pasta, had to Ken: Got fat again. Lisa: get fat again, got liposuction again, told me I didn't know anything about nutrition. Go go w what not me. She told people around me that I knew nothing about nutrition, even though like I was obsessed with it. so yeah. Ken: Isn't that great, like the fat like the f like you know, I'm not trying to weight shame people, but you know isn't it great like a like a fat ass like your mom just like, yeah, she don't know anything about healthy eating. I was like, you eat Lisa: well well we wanna hear something funny. 'Cause Ken: Yes. Lisa: growing up in the States, it would just eat a lot of frozen food 'cause she was too lazy to cook. so so there was a link Ken: I a lot of your mom is like low effort like things, right? Like she could be like a evil villain, except she's too lazy to be like full f fledged villain. So she's just like, Lisa: Well kind of, but like when she's like very determined about somebody who wronged her, she will like go through the go to the ends of the earth to like get her vengeance. Ken: Well, it's trying to find that motivation for a narcissist. Lisa: Yeah, it it is weird because someone as lazy as her would just weird anyway. But she would buy these frozen foods, like I don't know if it was Lean cuisine or whatever be like low Fat, low this, and then you when you look at the actual like nutritional facts, it was super high in sodium, Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: very processed, all this shit. She's like, No, no preservatives. Like she tried to fight with me, and I'm like, it's literally like it's all this shit if you look in the back, and she would just fight me. I'm like, you know what, whatever. Ken: Also, it's not Lean cuisine when you have like two or three of at a time. It's lean, but Lisa: It's not lean. Ken: if you eat like a lot of it, it's not lean anymore, right? It's is you Lisa: Yeah. Ken: it's a sheer amount. It's a lot of the Lisa: Yeah, right. Ken: things about weight loss is portion control. And not eating certain things, like certain things just your body just especially, you know, like I'm assuming she got the Lean cuisine with the pasta and stuff like that. Lisa: Yeah, she Ken: I love pasta by the way. Pasta rice is like yeah, that's good stuff. Lisa: I love pasta too, but yeah. Well what pissed me off is that like one of the times she did it I was a teenager and I really needed braces. My teeth were really fucked up. Okay, I hate to say this, but like two of my teeth were like so overcrowded. Because my I have a very small mouth. So like two of my teeth, not the front teeth, but like right next to them, grew up really high up because there was overcrowding. And I begged her for braces. Right? I just begged her for like how many years? I begged her and she said she didn't have any money. And then she went ahead and she got a tummy tuck and a boob job. So I yeah, you're laughing. I can hear you laughing. It's like so you have no Ken: Yes, I'm laughing. She don't have any money for your face, she has money for her titties. That's really what it is. Lisa: Yeah, in her fat stomach, whatever. Ken: It does it doesn't work when you get like breast implants but your stomach's still bigger than your breast implants. Doesn't work. Lisa: No, it doesn't. But like I you know, when you beg a parent for years to like get you braces so you can have straight teeth and shit and Ken: Didn't you didn't you get into like an altercation with her like saying that y she got you braces and that became like a point of contention? Lisa: Okay, well that was years later because so the I got welfare braces. I don't I don't know if you're familiar with welfare braces. It's that it's a long process. It literally took like a year and a half where I had to go through the California system of like they had to take pictures of it and I was like a specimen. Right? Where it's like I had to go Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: through this process and this process. It was very bureaucratic. Tons of red tape. When I got I remember getting my pictures taken of my mouth like for a year and a half. Like a guinea pig. Just so they Ken: So this is like a like a like a kinda like a public program, a government program. Lisa: I guess. I don't know. Yeah. I guess I don't know about it now, but like so I had to wait all this shit and I finally got approved for welfare braces. So I had my welfare braces and what happened was that they had this like doctor well sorry, not doctor. He was a dentist. And he had a production line of kids. So When we got the braces, it was like one after the other, but the problem was that he wasn't as precise. Like it looked good. I mean I mean, as far as like optics wise, they looked okay, they looked straight, but when when he put the rings around the teeth, it created gaps between my molars. So whenever so after I got my braces off, I like, cool, I have straight teeth, but then I had all these like huge gaps between my molars. So when I would Ken: god. Lisa: eat anything, it would just like food would just constantly get stuck, especially if something like meat or very fibrous, which is constantly Ken: Well he well he leve he left you he left you a crevice f so floss would be flossing companies would get I don't know business Lisa: Yeah. maybe he was part of the flossing industry, I d you know, I don't know. Ken: The only thing I could think is if they left a gap, it's if your teeth kinda moves a little bit, at least it it'll be like a little bit straight. Because if if it's if it's not enough room, it'll go crooked. That's really what it is. That's the only thing I can think of why they would do that. Lisa: Maybe. Well what happened was that like I had to deal with these gaps until I was an adult So as an adult, I went to the dentist and the dentist was like, You have these huge gaps. Doesn't it bother you to constantly have all this food stuck in your teeth? I'm like, Yeah. And they said, You know, you can just get braces you're gonna have to get braces if you want to close those gaps. So I'd have to get like not like the actual like metal braces, but it would be the invisible line. Ken: Mm. Lisa: Like, yeah, would just take a few months and they could just close in the gaps and you'll be fine. I'm like, okay, cool. You know? and when I told my mom that, she's like, I'll pay for it. Like she insisted and Yeah, that w I should not have done that. Ken: Yeah, well stuff like that, it's like you're on the hook. Cause my dad was like, do you need some money? I was like, you know, normal reaction is like, Yeah, sure, some money would be great. But it's like, Lisa: Mm. Ken: no, you're on the hook for that. You're never gonna hear the end of it. Yeah, strings attached. Lisa: there's strings attached. Those strings will be attached forever and ever and ever and be used against you for fucking ever in perpetuity. Ken: Mm-hmm. Lisa: So yeah, thank you guys so much for listening and we'll see you next time. Ken: Hi Lisa. Lisa: Good night, Ken. Ken: Bye everyone.