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Is My Dad Getting Married Too Soon? · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: He said that before.
• 0:01
  Speaker 2: He said he fell in love with these past women,
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: and then they just broke up like a month or
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: two after. I'm just seeing a pattern. I'm just worried
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: that this pattern's kind of escalated.
• 0:14
  Speaker 3: There's also, and I might be misquoting this, but I
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: was watching some crime show recently. And I didn't know this,
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: but if you like move in with someone or you're
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: living there and you get mail sent to the house
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: for something like 60 days, you officially have like, you
• 0:27
  Speaker 3: live there. No way.
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 0:29
  Speaker 5: I've heard of situations like this as well. Yeah.
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: Like it has to go through the courts to make
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: sure to get you off of living there.
• 0:36
  Speaker 5: Oh.
• 0:36
  Speaker 3: So I feel like this is what this woman's doing.
• 0:44
  Speaker 4: We are here to help. That is what we do
• 0:46
  Speaker 4: here on this podcast. Thanks to you, Sarah Dash.
• 0:48
  Speaker 5: Hello, Ellen. Hello, Ryan. Hello.
• 0:50
  Speaker 4: Hi. Hey. I have a situation at home that I
• 0:54
  Speaker 4: need help with. So my husband buys things and he
• 0:57
  Speaker 4: says they're for me, but they're really for him. Does
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: this happen? Is this a normal thing? He bought me
• 1:04
  Speaker 4: my favorite treat, which is I love coconut and dark chocolate.
• 1:08
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: So we bought these coconut patties, the little like thin
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: mint things, but they're coconut And then it's covered with
• 1:15
  Speaker 4: dark chocolate in individual packets. But then there's like 12
• 1:18
  Speaker 4: or 15 of them in a bag.
• 1:20
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:21
  Speaker 4: I went to the bag to get one last night.
• 1:23
  Speaker 4: I wanted something sweet. They're gone. But the empty bag
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: was still sitting there.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: And so I said, you know those things that you
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: bought for me? Right. Because he presented them to me.
• 1:32
  Speaker 4: I got these for you. They're gone.
• 1:35
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:37
  Speaker 4: So why does a person have to disguise something they
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: want In a gift to someone else. Like when Ryan
• 1:44
  Speaker 4: orders French fries, I want the French fries. I don't
• 1:46
  Speaker 4: order the French fries. I eat his French fries.
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: My husband must have wanted the coconut chocolate things, but
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: for some reason can't just get them for himself.
• 1:56
  Speaker 5: Is he on a diet? Is he trying to reduce sugar?
• 1:59
  Speaker 5: Is there something where it's like bad to eat?
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: No, and also this was low sugar. These were like
• 2:05
  Speaker 4: the healthy ones.
• 2:06
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: So I just don't know what that is. I'm wondering.
• 2:09
  Speaker 5: Does he have trouble stating his needs in other areas?
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: Not at all.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Whoa.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 2:16
  Speaker 5: I just have to tell you. When you said he
• 2:20
  Speaker 5: got something for me, but it's really for him, I
• 2:21
  Speaker 5: thought you were going to talk about La Perla or something.
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: Yeah, like lingerie. That would be nice. He has done
• 2:27
  Speaker 4: that before, yes.
• 2:28
  Speaker 3: No, I think it's normal, though.
• 2:29
  Speaker 5: I do that.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: I'll bring home oven pizzas, frozen pizzas, with the full
• 2:34
  Speaker 3: intention of knowing that she wants no part in it.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: I'm like, hey, babe, did you see the Red Baron
• 2:39
  Speaker 3: got the new meat lovers? I got this for us.
• 2:44
  Speaker 5: I saw this and I thought of you.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: It's mine.
• 2:47
  Speaker 5: It's always been mine.
• 2:48
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I wonder what that is. It's got to be
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: disguised as something. Anyway, let's get to Hugo. Hugo, thanks
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: for coming on with us.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:57
  Speaker 5: Hey, guys.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: How's it going?
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: Hey, we're good. Say hi to Sarah. She's your pro.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Hi, Sarah.
• 3:03
  Speaker 5: Hey, Hugo. What's going on?
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: So my dad, who has been divorced from my mom
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: for two years, has been on a dating bender. And
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: basically tons of women, you know, dinners, beach days, salsa dancing.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: You know, he's a he's a big salsa master, whatever.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: Anyway, I figured he was like making up for like
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: lost time and having fun.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: But about three months ago, he met Serena and now
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: they're getting married.
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: That's quick.
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: OK.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah. My my my dad says he never felt this
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: way before. And, you know, you know, but. He also
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: said that to like three or four other women since
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: the divorce.
• 3:48
  Speaker 5: So all in this two-year period.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Okay. Yeah.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: And so Serena has already moved into his house, started
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: reorganizing his finances, and also convinced him that he doesn't
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: need to make a prenup because that means he doesn't
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: trust her if he gives her one.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: So that.
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: left some alarms in my head.
• 4:14
  Speaker 5: Okay. So she's turning a practical financial decision into some
• 4:19
  Speaker 5: type of loyalty test.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: And I tried talking to my mom about it, but.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: She stopped me and said, Hey, that's your father's choices.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: That's not her problem anymore. And she doesn't want to
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: hear Serena's name. And, you know, and when I try to,
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: my dad actually asked me to be his best man,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: which is weird. And I told him, I don't know
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: if I could stand and do that unless he slowed
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: down because, you know, this.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: Is too fast.
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: This is fast.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: He accused me of being loyal to mom and trying
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: to sabotage his happiness or whatever. Okay, so he's.
• 5:00
  Speaker 5: Not addressing your concerns. He's kind of projecting all that
• 5:03
  Speaker 5: on to your mother.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: What are you going to do?
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I mean, should I refuse to be
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: a best man or, I don't know, stand beside him
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: and just, like, smile through pictures and just.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like that's going to be the
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: biggest mistake of his life, and not only his life,
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: but the family's life as well, especially with the prenup
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: and not having a prenup, and I don't know.
• 5:31
  Speaker 5: Okay, Hugo, are you concerned that the financial ramifications would
• 5:36
  Speaker 5: not just affect your father but would affect you? I
• 5:38
  Speaker 5: don't know if you have siblings. Is that kind of?
• 5:41
  Speaker 5: part of what's going on here?
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean, to put it bluntly, but also, I mean,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: I just know this is going to be a huge
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: trauma problem, and I'm going to be absorbed back into it,
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: and I just don't want to deal with it.
• 5:55
  Speaker 5: Okay, well, you don't know that. You don't know that.
• 5:57
  Speaker 5: You think that, but you don't know exactly what's going
• 6:01
  Speaker 5: to happen.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: That's a good point. You're, like, making it wrong before
• 6:04
  Speaker 3: it can be wrong, right?
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Gosh, I mean.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: I mean, I just don't know, because, like, he said
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: that before. He said he fell in love with these
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: past women, and then they just broke up, like, a
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: month or two after.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: And I'm just seeing a pattern.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I just don't want to be— I' m just worried that this
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: pattern's kind of escalated, and I'm just worried that it's
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: going to end up being a trap for everybody.
• 6:32
  Speaker 5: Okay, so is your problem, your concerns, more about your
• 6:36
  Speaker 5: dad's pattern rather than Serena as a person? Because those
• 6:40
  Speaker 5: are two different things.
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: Oh, yeah.
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I just don't know Serena.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I don't know her. I don't know her.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: All I know is she just moved to my dad's
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: house and all of a sudden she's got a lot
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: of control.
• 6:51
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: All of a sudden.
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: These things happen. I watch a lot of crime shows
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: and there was this yoga couple who moved in to
• 7:00
  Speaker 4: a Malibu mansion with this eye doctor.
• 7:02
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 7:02
  Speaker 4: And he was really socially awkward and had estranged from
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: his family and they just took over everything. his house,
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: his finances. They ended up drugging him and killing him.
• 7:13
  Speaker 5: Oh my God.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: It was just on 2020.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: There's also, and I might be misquoting this, but I
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: was watching some crime show recently and I didn't know this,
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: but if you like move in with someone or you're
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: living there and you get mail sent to the house
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: for something like 60 days, you officially have like, like you,
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: you live there. No way.
• 7:30
  Speaker 5: Yes. I've heard of situations like this as well.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like it has to go through the courts to
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: make sure to get you off of living there.
• 7:38
  Speaker 5: Oh.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: So I feel like this is what this woman's doing. Honestly,
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: to your dad.
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: She's establishing herself as a resident of this home.
• 7:44
  Speaker 5: That's it. Okay, where, I don't, not that this matters necessarily,
• 7:48
  Speaker 5: but how old is your father? He's 67. Okay, so
• 7:53
  Speaker 5: he's relatively young, I think. I mean, he's, do you,
• 7:57
  Speaker 5: have you considered him to be He can take care
• 8:01
  Speaker 5: of himself, make decisions, get himself to his doctor's appointments.
• 8:04
  Speaker 5: Is he still working? What does his life look like
• 8:07
  Speaker 5: right now?
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I mean, he's still very active. He's basically well-to-do. He's
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: basically retired from, like, corporate.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: And his regular jobs. And he's done well for himself
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: and he's done well for the family.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: Which I appreciate. But also, he's also kind of a...
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: You know, it's just that like he's been with my.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Mom for so long.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: And also it wasn't really cool how it ended with
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: there might have been some infidelity in there. And I
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: feel like I.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Just sometimes I think he doesn't be selfish.
• 8:44
  Speaker 5: OK, that's different from him marrying someone who's actively trying
• 8:50
  Speaker 5: to harm him.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just I'm just worried about more drama.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: OK, that way. And I don't want to I don't
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: want to repeat that.
• 9:03
  Speaker 5: Tell me how you would be repeating the drama if
• 9:05
  Speaker 5: you stood beside him during his wedding.
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: It's just that when my mom and him broke up,
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: like which which is like, you know, it was just
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: messy and they wanted people to choose sides. And then,
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: you know, it became like I just I just don't
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: want to deal with that if it's you know, where
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: Pete's in a different level where, you know, hey, I need,
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: I need your back and I have to be dragged
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: into this.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know.
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I might be wrong, but I'm also
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: like knowing my dad.
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: But Hugo, I feel like two things can be true
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: at once. You can have your dad's back because he's
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: your dad, right? You can say, dad, listen, I love
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: you and I always will. And internally, you don't have
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: to support every decision he makes, but he's still your dad.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: And you can stand next to him, and that doesn't
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: reflect on you. You're not sabotaging anything. You're not going
• 9:57
  Speaker 3: behind your mom. You're not hurting anybody. You're loving your dad.
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: And that's different.
• 10:01
  Speaker 5: And you're not necessarily endorsing his decision.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: At all.
• 10:04
  Speaker 5: By deciding to be supportive of a person.
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah, you're just being his son.
• 10:10
  Speaker 3: That's it.
• 10:11
  Speaker 5: I've got to say, as far as your parents' divorce,
• 10:14
  Speaker 5: the way your mother addressed this, I think is excellent.
• 10:17
  Speaker 5: That's an excellent post-divorce boundary.
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: But he's not my problem anymore.
• 10:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, it sounds harsh, but it's like I'm stepping away.
• 10:22
  Speaker 5: This no longer has anything to do with me, and
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: that's actually really healthy.
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: Oh, good.
• 10:27
  Speaker 5: Because your dad trying to kind of voice this onto
• 10:31
  Speaker 5: her rather than addressing your concerns, I mean, that's triangulation.
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: Okay, like strangulation. Yeah, triangulation.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: Is that making sense, Hugo, at all?
• 10:42
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: Kind of.
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: Or what about this, Hugo? Is there a chance, because
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: he has entertained other women, you said several, is there
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: a chance the wedding may never happen?
• 10:57
  Speaker 5: That's a good question.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: I mean, it just depends on how far back the
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: wedding goes.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: But I don't know.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: I mean, like, I'm also worried that they might just,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: you know, elope.
• 11:09
  Speaker 4: Oh. Well, he's a big boy. He's a grown man.
• 11:16
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: I mean, I don't know what else you could do. Say, Dad,
• 11:20
  Speaker 4: before you get married, give me power of attorney.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I will say, her saying that line about the prenup.
• 11:28
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: I don't trust her.
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: That's like, what she said is a reason to not
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: trust her.
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:34
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: So that's a little goofy.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 11:36
  Speaker 5: Well, the thing about prenups, and I heard, I actually
• 11:39
  Speaker 5: really like this lawyer. I think his name is James Saxton. Okay.
• 11:42
  Speaker 5: And he's this divorce attorney. I think he's great. He
• 11:45
  Speaker 5: gives a lot of like not just legal advice, but
• 11:48
  Speaker 5: also relationship advice based on what he's seen over the
• 11:51
  Speaker 5: course of his career. And he talks about the fact
• 11:54
  Speaker 5: that we actually all have prenups. All marriages have prenups
• 11:58
  Speaker 5: because of the law. We live in California. It's a
• 12:01
  Speaker 5: community property state. We've been married for a certain number
• 12:04
  Speaker 5: of years. We go our separate ways. It's a 50-50 split.
• 12:07
  Speaker 5: So there is a prenup. It's just whether you want
• 12:10
  Speaker 5: it enforced by the courts or whether you want to
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: determine the parameters of that agreement. Yeah.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: That's good.
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: So that means if he decides to go through with
• 12:22
  Speaker 4: this wedding, that it's a done deal anyway.
• 12:27
  Speaker 5: Yeah. And I think to express concern is one thing.
• 12:32
  Speaker 5: But when we start trying to mandate somebody else's decisions
• 12:36
  Speaker 5: that turns into us trying to like it's almost like
• 12:39
  Speaker 5: Hugo you're trying to control your father too I mean
• 12:41
  Speaker 5: it sounds like you're afraid Serena is and so because
• 12:44
  Speaker 5: you're afraid this woman is trying to control him you're
• 12:47
  Speaker 5: trying to.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: Assert control that's it yeah so listen Hugo we got
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: to take a quick break we really want to know
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: where you're leaning and what you're going to do.
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: I think that if you don't stand up for your
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: dad he wants you to be your best man You
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: will regret it the rest of your life. And I
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: think that you should go through any kind of father-son
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: relationship thinking no regrets. Because what if one day your
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: son says to you, Dad, I don't like who you're
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: marrying because she won't sign a piece of paper. I'm
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: not standing up next to you.
• 13:19
  Speaker 3: It would break you. It would hurt you so bad, Hugo.
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: All right. I mean, I'm just trying to look out
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: for him and, like, just my mental health and my
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: family's mental health, but I don't know.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: But, Hugo, wait. At what point do you stop looking
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: out for him and let him look out for him? Yeah.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: Why are you his vanguard, his sentry? Like, why is
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: that on you?
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: Ryan is right. You're carrying responsibility that doesn't belong to you.
• 13:47
  Speaker 5: And I think we've sort of established that he has
• 13:49
  Speaker 5: a sound mind. He knows what he's doing, and at
• 13:52
  Speaker 5: that point, you really just have to let him be
• 13:54
  Speaker 5: an adult.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: It's a lot of things. Yeah.
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: What about this? Is there a moment you can think
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: of when you were a boy playing catch with him,
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: or maybe he was at something supporting you, a school
• 14:10
  Speaker 4: play or, you know, some kind of football game or
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: just something, anything in your life where he was like,
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: go son. Or, I mean, maybe you need to just
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: remember the love between the two of you and tune
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: out everybody else. And I'm not a licensed therapist like you, Sarah,
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: but I just think that if you go back to
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: the root of father-son, maybe there's something there that will
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: make this easier.
• 14:33
  Speaker 5: And I love the spirit of that question because I'm
• 14:36
  Speaker 5: sure your father could have asked many people to be
• 14:39
  Speaker 5: his best man.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: Sure.
• 14:40
  Speaker 5: And he's choosing you. He's choosing you because of your
• 14:44
  Speaker 5: history and your relationship and his love for you. And
• 14:47
  Speaker 5: maybe that's a place to start in terms of evaluating
• 14:51
  Speaker 5: whether you're going to stand up for him or not.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: Face it on the relationship, not your feelings about this woman.
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: And, and what Sarah just said.
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: So Hugo, listen, let's say you're right. And this doesn't
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: work out. You know what he's going to need most.
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: He's going to need you. He's going to need a son.
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: He's not going to need a absence or another. I
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: told you so. He wants, he needs you.
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: It's a huge compliment, Hugo.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:21
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I mean, I got, I just have to think about
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: all this stuff. This is this, you know, yeah.
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: I want you standing next to him. That's what I want.
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: What do you want, Sarah?
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: I want Hugo to act in service of the relationship,
• 15:34
  Speaker 5: not act in service of his reservations about this woman.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: What do you want, Ryan?
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: I want a lot of communication between these two before, during,
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: and after, especially after. But I think for this incident
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: at the wedding, I want you next to your dad.
• 15:49
  Speaker 3: But you guys need to communicate, man. After this, you
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: got to tell him. You got to check in with him. Dad,
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: how's it going, right? Stay on this. Be there.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: Yes.
• 16:00
  Speaker 4: Three yeses. We just all turned our chairs.
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: That's it.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: It's like the voice. Hugo, you're standing up at this wedding,
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: like it or not.
• 16:08
  Speaker 5: Decision made.
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: Let us know, Hugo.
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: All right. Thank you.
• 16:15
  Speaker 5: Thanks.
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: I would do anything to have my dad walking this
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: planet right now. I lost my dad. I would do
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: anything to be able to talk with him, see him,
• 16:29
  Speaker 4: hear his voice, be there for him, listen to him, anything.
• 16:34
  Speaker 5: How long was your father a widow before he passed?
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: Five years.
• 16:38
  Speaker 5: What would you do if you were Hugo?
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: Oh, my gosh. If I was Hugo, I would be
• 16:43
  Speaker 4: right there right next to my dad.
• 16:44
  Speaker 5: Regardless of your concerns about the future wife. Yes. Got it.
• 16:48
  Speaker 4: Because I have that perspective. He obviously doesn't.
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: Exactly.
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: And so I think when you're in it and there's
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: this contentious kind of, I don't like these women and
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: they're going to take my dad and all of his
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: money and his house and all this. It's just all
• 17:00
  Speaker 4: just so noisy and silly to me.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: And stubborn. There's a lot of stubbornness in that too.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: I think in that inability to sort of look at
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: what matters. Like what's really important. Like Ellen's saying, if
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: her dad Dale was here.
• 17:16
  Speaker 5: Oh my God.
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: For another day.
• 17:18
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 17:18
  Speaker 3: She got to hug him again. I mean, none of the,
• 17:20
  Speaker 3: none of it would matter. Think of how many weather
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: disagreements are good times and highs and lows and peaks
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: and valleys there. Nothing matters except that one, that time.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Why do we do that? Why do we, why
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: do we let the noise win?
• 17:34
  Speaker 5: We got, we get caught up in our emotions, things
• 17:37
  Speaker 5: that seem vitally important. Sometimes don't really matter that much.
• 17:42
  Speaker 5: In the end. And I get why this matters. He
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: loves his father. He's protective of his father. But I
• 17:49
  Speaker 5: don't think he's seeing the bigger picture. I don't think
• 17:51
  Speaker 5: he's really looking at what it means to stand up
• 17:55
  Speaker 5: for his father. He's making it about something else.
• 18:00
  Speaker 4: And he loves his mother.
• 18:01
  Speaker 5: Oh, yeah.
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: If it were my son and.
• 18:06
  Speaker 4: He was asked by his father, my ex, to stand
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: up in this wedding to this new woman he's only
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: known for three months. I would love to be able
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: to take the attitude Hugo's mom did and just say,
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: he's not my problem. But I would feel jealousy. I
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: would feel anger. I would feel a lot of things.
• 18:24
  Speaker 4: So I don't know how much that's affecting him. Right.
• 18:27
  Speaker 5: I think it's affecting him a lot.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:29
  Speaker 5: And I think we can kind of hear it in
• 18:32
  Speaker 5: his voice. the way he talks about these other women.
• 18:34
  Speaker 5: This is not just Serena. There's a sort of disdain
• 18:38
  Speaker 5: for what his father has been doing post-divorce.
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: Is there a way, Sarah, that people can train themselves
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: to be better at compartmentalizing? You know, like, my relationship
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: with my mom is my relationship with my mom.
• 18:49
  Speaker 5: Absolutely.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: Mine with my dad. And in terms of Hugo, right? Like,
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: this is this, and then over here is this.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: They don't need to smoosh together.
• 18:57
  Speaker 5: No, it takes... Being present with your feelings takes clarity
• 19:01
  Speaker 5: about those feelings, and it also takes a willingness to
• 19:04
  Speaker 5: step out of those feelings. Okay. Like, I'm really angry.
• 19:08
  Speaker 5: I'm going to stay angry. I'm going to stay in
• 19:09
  Speaker 5: this anger. It's like, you know what? I can still
• 19:11
  Speaker 5: be really unhappy about something and put it on the
• 19:14
  Speaker 5: shelf and behave differently.
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: That's a coat of armor for you.
• 19:19
  Speaker 5: Yeah.