Latest / Motherhood Uncut / Judgment in Motherhood: Part 1 | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 1 Episode 2

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Judgment in Motherhood: Part 1 | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 1 Episode 2 · Motherhood Uncut

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey listeners, welcome to Motherhood Uncut.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Kate and Deb here.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're going to be talking about judgment in motherhood.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And for part one of this two-part series, we're actually discussing what happens when we judge our kids.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And dang, we all do it.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: We do it a lot, and it can cause a lot of challenge for us.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So stick around.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stay with us.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: We've got some good stuff for you here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: So glad you're here.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is supported, surprise, surprise, by the mother-daughter journey, where Deb supports mothers and daughters to deepen their connections in a disconnected world.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: By Kate Kripke Consulting, where Kate supports mothers to be mentally fit and well so that they can mother their kids the way that they want to.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And by the Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder, which is a collaborative care mental health center supporting new mothers across Colorado and their transition to parenthood, you can find us at motherdaughterjourney.co, katekripke.com, and pwcboulder.com.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Come see us there.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Deb.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Kate.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, Deb, today is part one of a two-part series on judgment, which I think is something you and I talk about a lot in motherhood.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: We want to divide this into two series because today we're going to talk about what happens when we're judging our own kids.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And next time we're going to talk about what happens when we judge other moms or other moms judge us.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But let's start today, if you wouldn't mind, by telling us the story you told me recently about your experience judging your girls.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is a this is a big one.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's really uncomfortable.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I actually want to um differentiate judgment versus disappointment.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And that for me personally, when judgment recently came up for me, it felt ick.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like disappointment I can tolerate.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: I can like totally handle feeling disappointed.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: But like feeling like I was actually judging my kid, kids, it felt really icky.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so here's what happened.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so my daughters are really into nails right now.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like fake nails.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like fingernails.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Fingernails.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Fake fingernails.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're not like hammering nails.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: So they're really into fingernails.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I have some lines in our home around buying plastic shit and like how it impacts the environment, and that that's like a line I just won't cross.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And then, but at the same time, they make their own money.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: They have, and I want to give them freedom to, you know, spend how they want and also be themselves.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've been doing this really kind of internal struggle around this nail piece.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And they recently went out and they got these nails.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, I'm not kidding you, they were long.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Were they the long ones that are like weirdly pointy at the ends?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I want to say they're very trendy right now, and there's probably a lot of listeners out there that love these nails, and there's nothing wrong with the nails.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: It just is actually really it hit a spot for me because I personally am just not into long nails and never have been.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so here's what here's what happened is I felt myself like internally, I mean, I was doing it externally too, but like they knew I didn't like the nails.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was just watching my opinions around it and judging and they and and on ah, I'm gonna say something really uncomfortable.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: They they felt like princessy to me.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like they just felt like this.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, granted, this is all my own shit, okay?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is interesting because you were never pr quote unquote print what whatever we would think of when we think of that word princessy, you were never that, and they have not been that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I kind of have pride in them being like Colorado girls, yeah, like rough and tumble and active, not the kind of like lifestyle that would tolerate long music.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, exactly.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so here was the biggest catch, and this is the conversation that you and I were having the other day was my mom was is high fashion.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: She's fabulous, she's an artist and you know, loves museums.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's fabulous.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And and I, although our hearts are very similar and the way our minds work are very similar, I was the opposite.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: And expect especially when I went through adolescence.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, you know, hairy armpits, dreadlocks, I'm just letting it all hang out.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: I just like went from, you know, a preppy little Connecticut girl to like homemade dresses like overnight.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom did not get it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I know she was trying, and she there was definitely a lot of moments where she was trying to let me be me, but I felt judged by her a lot, and it actually felt like it was a terrible feeling.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can I ask you a question?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: What would she say if you can remember?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you're sort of now it's so long ago, but what kind of things might she say to you that made you feel judged by her?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's the I've been thinking about that question, and I don't know.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was just a feeling.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: It was an energetic feeling that I know my kids were feeling from me.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so I want to like unpack it a little bit because I first of all I can't like get rid of the fact that the judgments come up.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: What I know from all my training is, you know, around mindfulness is that judgments are just as important as a breath.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: They come and they go.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're not real, they're not actually based on anything, and it's when we get in trouble is when we think our judgments are fact.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, actually, what they're based on are our own experiences and perceptions and ideas and opinions, which makes that which which is why they're not fact.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's all subjective.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's totally, yes.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's our own lens.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I what I mean is there's nothing to like grasp on to.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: They're just like a moment.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: And what I started to sit with, Kate, was that when I was starting to go through adolescence and trying to be different than my mom, I had to be different.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I went extreme, you know, tree hugger.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you did.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And my mom, I would imagine, was like, what's happening?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and my sister did not go extreme different, so they were a little more aligned in that way.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And and now I'm watching specifically my oldest daughter, she's actively differentiating from me.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so she's going to, she's just wanting to be everything I'm not in many ways.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, just for our listeners, yes, how would you define differentiation?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Great question.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: It is the developmental process of having autonomy from your primary caregivers.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Totally.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's about separating from being a unit and much more having your own identity in the world.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it's actually, there's so many different stages of differentiation.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it can start very early, of like, I'm going to, you know, crawl away, look back, and see that you're still there, reproach Mont, and then as through each developmental stage, it gets it gets clearer, and it's not like a one-size-fits-all.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Some people don't really differentiate until they, you know, move away from home.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: There's like geographical differentiation, but there's many layers of it, and it's so important and necessary and painful.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what I hear you saying is literally just like the world word, differentiation is wanting to and trying to be different.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I am not you.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And in a healthy, when it's working, and we all make mistakes, the parent allows for the differentiation.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's good.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens is we get stuck sometimes.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And a little judgy.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: So let's let's get it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: So there's heartbreak mixed with judgment.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I I mean, I guess that's the end of my story is that I I recognize that judgment was coming up.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure my kids felt it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm saying, I wasn't totally outright, just like my mom wasn't totally outright, and yet there's a feeling there, and it's actually a pretty, it feels like a dangerous feeling to put in between a child and a parent.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: What were, if you can recall, some of the things you were saying to yourself inside of your head when she showed you her nails?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I know vulnerable.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know, that's what we do here.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yes, it is.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, first of all, I was like rolling my eyes.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And because we went camping right afterwards.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: So, like the way she was like navigating, like, you know, dirt.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like rolling my eyes internally.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, in fact, I was probably acting pretty adolescent-y.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: I was um the some of the thoughts were just like I had a little, I told you so in my mind.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: I had I I almost can't even like find the words because it just felt so judgmental.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's really all I can say.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, right.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have an opinion and a belief based on your own experience, that long nails are to use your word, princess-y, or get in the way, or annoying, and that they're not in line with how you think of your daughter, those are probably some of the thoughts you're having in your head.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think what you just said a few moments ago is so important, which is that we all judge.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the problem.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck, never judging.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's because we have our experiences and opinions and ideas, right?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: The challenge is that when we're judging and not paying attention, we can then feel something and then make choices that come from that feeling that aren't helpful.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, what did you do?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I think just to finish what your statement was, um, I think when it's not helpful, it actually could be harmful.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's when I started to notice that there was like this energetic wedge, it started to feel harmful.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like I could be actually pushing her away.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: And that actually was my wake-up call of like, I have to get over my shit.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I have to like long nails do not have to mean anything.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: It is like there's no meaning.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like how Pama Chaudran does that whole thing about snow is just snow.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Snow is snow.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: If we love skiing, snow is like amazing.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Our judgment is that it's amazing.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: If we hate the cold, our judgment is it's terrible.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: But snow is snow.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: And actually, that night she scratched my back with them and they felt so good.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: So, what did I do to answer your question?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: I started with coming to you because actually, one thing I know to be true is that when I'm having an uncomfortable trigger or feeling, I have to bring it to an adult place.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, what does that do for you?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: It allows me to be messy and embarrassed and unapologetically human.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it gives me reflection.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: You were able to hold space for me and just kind of you didn't judge me back, you laughed with me, we brought humor in, and but I was actually able to get it out of my internal process and just be like, this is happening.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I say bring it to an adult place because actually, when when I could reflect with you, then I came back into my adult because actually I think what was judging was like an adolescent inside of me.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, well, and that's actually interesting.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we're kids, adolescents, which all four of our daughters are, we judge and act on those judgments.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Adults don't do that, or we hope we have the capacity to not do that.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: But we say that differently.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: We do, but we have the capacity not to because of the full formation of our brains.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: We can have perspective, we can have insight, we can have reflection.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: So you were for reflecting with me to get back to that part of your brain.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, exactly.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: And like I really feel so strong about when um when any trigger comes up to find a place, a journal, a partner, a therapist, a really good friend that you know is gonna love you through it all to pause, and then with the return.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I had a choice.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: I actually sometimes I'll name it.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: My kids probably just can't even deal with how much I name, but um, and sometimes I just actively choose to be different.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: And but in this moment, I actually we were laying in bed, she was scratching my back, and that's when I was like, Wow, your nails actually feel good.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then I said, and I'm sorry, I've been judgy.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Ah, so it was really that simple.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And ownership is amazing.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, Deb, actually, what I hear you saying that made this, and I will just honor with everybody here that you and Sage and you and Tess, but we're talking about Sage right now, have a beautiful relationship.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And part of what makes it so beautiful is that you can name things with each other, you can come back and repair them, and that you don't have to like pretend you weren't judging.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: That you're able to say, because I actually remember a conversation after all this, it was a few days later when we were all together with Sage, and then we were talking about the fact you were talking to me with her there about how you had been judgmental, you had been judging her.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but you were able to say that later because of this beautiful repair.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: What did she say, or how'd she respond?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: She said I did feel judged, and thank you.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: It was like clean and simple.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: There didn't need to be more words than that.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Amazing.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_01: But I think the best part of the repair was I could validate the feeling she was probably experiencing because I was feeling it too.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: And that's when we can use our mama wisdom to like lend perspective almost because they don't always know what they're feeling.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And when we can identify what's happening, bring it to an adult place, and then bring it back, we're actually giving language to an experience that I think is really important for their development.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: So that's my story.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I have another question before we wrap up on this little short episode on judging our children.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is how would you describe what judgment feels like in your body?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: So what I find that like this is a particularly good topic to be doing this with because sometimes people don't know how to say how things feel.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Although I think we would all say that when we're judging other people, whether it's our kids or someone else, we don't feel good.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: No, it doesn't, it's not a good feeling to be in a state of judgment.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: But some people don't know how to identify or describe that feeling.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I wonder if just an example, you could let us know where judgment lies in your body.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's such a good question.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm just actually tracking right now.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: I feel it in my throat.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like my voice changes.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I actually feel like it's hard to like I know the difference when I'm feeling just accepting.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: I my smile like rolls easier.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: When and when I'm in a judgmental place or an inner conflict place, because that goes hand in hand with this, my mouth tightens and I just don't feel like fluid.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I can say when I feel judged, yeah, it's all belly.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: Interesting.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: But it is so clear.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's mine?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_01: What's yours?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well that's what about you?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I would say the same thing.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think judging and feeling judged both feel really tight and stuck and hot.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like the opposite of curiosity.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, which I actually you didn't mention this, but I know you did this with Sage because I was there, where you asked her what she liked about the nails.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than like abiding by this idea that long nails were inappropriate or whatever word was coming to mind, which was based on your opinions, which is trying to make a a feeling or an impression, a fact, you asked her, you turned on curiosity.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you like your nails?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that softened things for you.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And what what do those nails make you feel like?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she was clear, you know, it's fun, and you know, and she wanted to feel fancy.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and we were going to New York that weekend.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I mean, I just think there's but it gave you context.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Your curiosity gave you context.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: That's the other piece, is that when I judgmental feelings are very tunnel vision.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, which I think is why I feel tight.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_01: And again, like I'm repeating myself, but there's no j nails are just nails.
• 16:56
  unknown: Yeah.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_01: They don't mean anything.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: So that's for me to sit with, not to put on her.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's interesting.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Just as we sort of kind of come to closure here, I I want to name, I'm gonna name it to tame it with you.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Some things that I know that I can judge or feel judgy towards my kids about.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just gonna like go through a series of them.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Wonderful.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because my guess is that I'm not the only one.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: My guess is you're right.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: One is clothing choice, right?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like sometimes my girls come down and close, and I have a moment where I wanna like say something about their clothing choice.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the point is that now you and I've practiced this enough that I can catch that judgment soon enough that I can turn on curiosity and turn on all that stuff.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: But clothes.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And we've also both made an agreement that we're not gonna micromanage their clothes.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: We have made that agreement, and that has been really useful.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because they actually feel good in their clothes or in their nails or whatever.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: You're having fun.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that sometimes friends, yeah.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: I have I have had moments where I've been judgmental of my children's friend choices.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's a tricky one.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: We might circle back and talk more about that in another podcast.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I have felt judgmental about like music choices or book choices or TV show choices, good or bad.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's actually what we're talking about.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Judgmental is binary thinking.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's good or that's bad.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay or there's not, that's not okay.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Tunnel.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Tunnel.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Which again's perspective.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And perspective, even the word makes me feel expansive, and tunnel makes me feel tight.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: What else have I felt judgmental about?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Help me here.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Snack choices.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: What they're eating, snack choices.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: How they're using their time.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: How they're using their time.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Just general choice teenagers, right?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: So just general choices on what feels appropriate or inappropriate.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's actually a lot of things that we can get caught up in judging our children for.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll say this last thing is that I think at least with adolescents, I think there's a big fear of being judged.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: They're trying to fit in, they're trying to blend.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: They want to feel a sense of belonging.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: And to feel judged by us, their number one fan, their ally, their like circle of trust, to feel judgment at home, I think is actually really dangerous.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it's a conversation that's very important.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: And again, uh, to our listeners, it's it's just another opportunity to pay attention to yourself.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna summarize some things for us.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Judgmental is happens whether we try or not.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: We are human beings, we will judge.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is not necessarily that we do judge, the problem can be if we're not aware of that and we make choices that come from that judgmental place that don't support the relationship.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: That a couple of things that can be helpful when we notice that we're being judgmental is to access curiosity and ask questions.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: To find a trusting adult to name it to tame it with, whether that's a good friend or a therapist or a family member, someone who is gonna love you through and not judge you for being judgmental.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other thing I loved you say, which I know we are really good at, is find the humor.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Find the humor.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: We are not perfect, right?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then come back and talk to your kid about it.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Own it, name it, detame it, apologize, move on.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Great recap.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: Next week we're gonna talk about when we judge when moms judge other moms or feel judged by other moms.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: That is a big one.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And me and we'll incorporate some of this in that too.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll see you next time.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.