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Can a Cheater Really Change? The Truth About Infidelity · Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can a cheater change?
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the question is, can he change on his own?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: That depends on what kind of cheater he is.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm Russell Beebe.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a certified sex addiction therapist and recovery coach, and I help men struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors and betraying behaviors that have caused harm in their relationships, stop their behavior long term and start the healing in their relationships.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also somebody with 17 years of sexual sobriety and recovery from compulsive sexual behavior.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not cheating, I was just texting.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's something we hear all the time.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: We hear men come into our program and they sort of minimize what they've been doing.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've just I was just texting with my ex-girlfriend or I sent a couple of pictures, I chatted online, what's the big deal?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we hear that all the time.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: They minimize it.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's the big deal?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just online.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't cheat in person, so why is my partner so upset?
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: So perhaps a better word to use than cheating is infidelity.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And infidelity is any emotional, physical, or digital betrayal in a relationship.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: So the point here is not so much did you do it in person as it is how does your partner feel about it?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: How is that behavior perceived by your partner?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously, if you act out with a person in person, sleep with a prostitute with an escort, hook up with somebody on a hookup app, that kind of thing, any kind of like physical infidelity, that's going to be extremely harmful to the relationship.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot of men don't realize that the behavior online is equally as damaging many times to the partner because it feels like cheating and infidelity.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it is cheating and infidelity.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I would even say that sometimes pornography in and of itself can feel like cheating to the partner because she's like, well, why are you engaging in the pornography and you know, taking care of yourself and neglecting our relationship and our physical intimacy?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of men with pornography addiction get so much into the pornography that they neglect, they actually stop having sex with their partner or their wife, and they actually prefer the pornography.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So to her, that feels like a betrayal.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: But suffice it to say that there's many different types of cheating, many different types of infidelity, emotional connection with an ex-girlfriend can feel that way to a partner, webcamming, OnlyFans paying somebody online, chatting, sexting, and then obviously the physical contact.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you're actually going and meeting with somebody physically, that's incredibly damaging in a relationship.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Most men hide this and it and once they're discovered.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the people the people that come mostly to us are the people that have been discovered.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: We rarely have a man that comes and says, I want to recover from sex addiction.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want to stop my behavior because if I don't want my wife to find out, they always come when the wife or the partner has found out and their marriage or their family is in jeopardy.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the people that come to us.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's crazy about it is that they come to us and they've continued the behavior despite promising themselves they're not going to do it and promising their partner they're not going to do it, or they just had a discovery, or it's been multiple discoveries, and they come in such distress in that relationship that the marriage is almost, they're in jeopardy of losing the marriage and losing their family and not seeing their kids again and their whole white life crumbles down in front of them.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Those are the effects of a compulsion to cheat or to participate in infidelity behaviors.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's the impact in a relationship.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is, is it cheating?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it infidelity?
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: The answer to that, in my opinion, is yes.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: If she thinks it is, if your partner feels like you're cheating on them, then that is cheating and that's infidelity.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: We can call it cow tipping if we want.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's damaging and it's something that needs to look at.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're having trouble stopping those behaviors, that could be an addiction.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's the thing: there's a difference between a person who cheats, does something, doesn't feel bad about it, and continues doing it, lies, gaslights their partners, but they don't really care and they continue doing it.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or a person, that's a category, but there's also a category of a person who does it one time and feels bad and then doesn't do it again.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Both of those scenarios are really bad, but it's not really an addiction.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not really somebody that can change around this.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's either somebody that did it one time and they were actually able to stop and change because they felt bad, or it's somebody that's a real narcissist and a psychopath and a compulsive liar and a bad person and they do it, they don't care, and they don't want to stop, and they just continue doing it.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Those two are very different than a person with an addiction.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: But then the person like myself, that where they would do it and they'd feel terrible afterwards, they'd high and lie and gasolite and do all the things that the other category did, but they felt bad about it and they would tell themselves, I'm not going to do this again.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: If I don't do it again, I don't need to tell it, right?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: And then tomorrow would come and then all of a sudden they did it again.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe they made that promise to themselves, and then a couple of weeks went by, one thing led to another, and then they participated in the behavior again.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then when they were done with that, they come out the other side of that feeling again, once again, really badly, promising themselves not to do it.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: That person is very different than the person who doesn't care and the person that just does it once and is able to stop.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then maybe they get caught and that promise to themselves is now a promise to their partner.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: And again, some period of time goes by and they do it again.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Again, promising themselves they're never gonna do it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: If they did it again, maybe they'll hide that from their partner because they're like, oh, she told me that she'd leave me if I did it again.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna hide it, right?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So they continue to hide it and they keep telling themselves, tomorrow I'm not gonna do it.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna do it in the future.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But then tomorrow comes or a couple of days or a couple of weeks comes and they do it again.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they start to think over time, this was me.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I started to think that I was crazy.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like, why can't I make a decision to stop something?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I make that decision and just do it and follow through on it?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I keep doing this?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So many times the reason that happens with the person is it's a progression of an addiction.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: So they don't start as a cheater, they don't start as somebody that is participating in different infidelity behaviors.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: It started when they were 12 years old.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is exactly what happened to me.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: It started when I was 12 years old with pornography, and then it went to womanizing, and then it went to the next thing into the next thing, and then all of a sudden I'm married with a family and I'm participating in these behaviors.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, What am I crazy?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with me?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have a wonderful wife.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I do these things?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so an addict asks themselves, the one that feels bad asks themselves, like, how did how did I actually get there?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody sees the end of the addiction, the bad part where he's cheating and he's doing all these things and he promises himself he's not going to do it, and there's threats of divorce, but he keeps doing it anyway.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody thinks he's he's totally crazy.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the fact of the matter is we are kind of crazy.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is that addiction progressed over many years from pornography to this to that to the other.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, we're we're a completely different person than what we ever really even wanted in our life.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that person does feel bad, but they emerge from the end progression of this addiction, going, why do I do these things?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What is wrong with me?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't remember, they don't see the progression from a really young age of the addiction from pornography all the way up until the cheating behaviors, right?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: They don't really see that.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens is something bad happens, like she finds the receipt.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: She realizes when you every time you go out of town, you sleep with a prostitute, whatever the case may be, partner discovers it, her whole life gets turned upside down.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden, the reality of the situation hits the addict, and they're like, what am I gonna do about this?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because sex addicts, myself included, persist in the lie that if I just lie, if I just hide it and lie about it and promise myself that I'm gonna do better tomorrow, I don't have to tell anybody.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to face up to it.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: But again, tomorrow never comes.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Tomorrow's just another day to act out and we continue the behavior.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so that promise to ourselves doesn't never works for somebody who has sex addiction.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about briefly about what a sex addiction really is.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's really a compulsion, a physical compulsion, just like an alcoholic.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: When an alcoholic starts drinking, this is true for me because I'm an alcoholic.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, when I start drinking, I can't stop.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I drink another and another and another and another.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: A normal person has a drink or two, they feel a little funny and they're like, okay, I'm gonna stop after that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I just go and go and go and go and go until bad things happen.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that progressed.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: But for sex addicts, very similar.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens is they start the acting out behavior.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And for many sex addicts, it's kind of a ritual.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and you've participated in cheating behaviors and in infidelity, it rarely just starts with, you know, the phone call to the escort or something like that.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It starts with I look started looking at pornography, I was doing some chatting, some some sexting, and then the next thing you know, I was looking at escort sites, and then I was sending messages and it kind of progresses.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's the the physical compulsion of the addiction is really um a compulsive projectory of time that's really akin to a ritual in a trance-like state.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when the person is engaged in the acting out ritual is they get into this trance-like state and everything outside of that kind of disappears.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, that's really what they're wanting because they can sort of the addict can kind of forget about their life for a while.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you've got stress, anxiety, things going on, tough job, you know, issues with your boss, acting out for some period of time allows you to forget all that stuff.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just like if you were to use drugs or alcohol for that period of time, you forget about the world outside of you.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: So with addiction, it's a physical compulsion and a ritual in a trance-like state that just the addict goes and goes and goes and goes and goes until it's done.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens is they emerge, like we said earlier, remorseful, promising themselves they're never going to do it again.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second part of the addiction is really the mental part of it.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Some point after they make that solemn oath, two hours, two days, usually it's three or four days, actually, with most people most people, a couple of weeks.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: They might white knuckle it for a while.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: They get this restless, irritable, and discontent.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then the obsession of the mind hits.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's the second part.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's this obsession of the mind.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And a good uh definition of obsession is a persistent and reoccurring idea that's stronger than it doesn't respond to reason.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it hits them.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: The thought, the idea of acting out to go do that ritual hits them and in their mind, it eats away at them, it eats away at them, and they say, No, I'm not gonna do it.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: I promise myself I'm not gonna do it, but it's persistent and recurring.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then eventually it grows to this raging obsession that they give into, and then they start acting out again, and then they start to cycle all over again.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Go through acting out ritual, merge remorseful, promise themselves they're not gonna do it again.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so we live in this cycle of mental obsession, preoccupation followed by the acting out ritual.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what happens with a sex addict is they completely lose control over that.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're not able to mentally stop it just by deciding to do it.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: We actually need an intensive recovery process to break that cycle.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's the recovery for that?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: The real truth is that we act out because we like the way it makes us feel, just like an alcoholic.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: They drink because they like the way it makes them feel.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're what happens is we're restless, irritable, and discontent unless we feel the sense of ease and comfort of continually acting out over time.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so what we're really doing is I didn't have a sex addiction problem.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I actually had a life problem or a sober problem.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: The problem was I couldn't live my life and my internal reaction to life, my external reaction to life.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't live it in a way where I felt good without the acting out.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I needed the drug of sexual acting out in order to feel better.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the recovery actually has to heal those underlying issues.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people think, oh, it's just behavioral change.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: He needs to do this, that, and the other and get supports and and all of that's really good.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we do all of that stuff in our program.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But a lot of program, a lot of ways to stop is just around behavioral change without changing the underlying issue, the root of the issue.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: The acting out is just a symptom of a deeper issue.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't heal that internal reaction to life, that what we call restless, irritable, and discontent, then the addiction's doomed to continue.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: The good news though is when we do heal that internal reaction to life, that restless, irritable, and discontent, two things happen.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: One, the mental obsession goes away and it becomes much easier not to act out.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And two, because we're healing the underlying issues, our life gets better.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Our, you know, anxiety, depression, whatever it is that's in our life, our internal reaction to life starts to get better and we start to feel good.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: So we no longer need the addictive behavior in order to get out of ourselves and to medicate that inner pain because that inner pain is not there.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or we have a way of managing that internal reaction to life in a healing way, in a mindful way, rather than escaping into addiction.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a couple of ways that a person can recover from this.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: So how do you how do you heal that internal reaction to life?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: First thing is that you you need professional help.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You need somebody like me, you know, not just in recovery, but somebody that's a certified sex addiction therapist and a recovery coach that's been trained in this and knows how to do it.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to get that professional help.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: But you also need a recover, a clear recovery process that takes you through how to heal the underlying issues, right?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I won't get into all the details of that, but a lot of that has to do with self-awareness, looking at our fears, looking at our false beliefs, doing that in a written format, sharing that with other people, really getting to know ourselves and then learning how to cope with some of those tough feelings without the addictive behavior.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you need a clear recovery process, something different, like just to be honest, than just going into therapy once a week, talking about some stuff, not really retaining the information that you're getting, and then going, going home, not doing much in between, and then coming back and you have the same problems, you vaguely remember what you talked about the week before.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: But something much more intensive, something usually in a written format that takes you through a process that really helps you get in black and white.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: What is it, the things that I need to do in order to recover from this?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: And how do I get to know myself so that I can heal that internal reaction to life?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's a clear recovery process.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is something we do in our product.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: People don't come in and we don't, you know, talk to you for two or three months just to get to know you.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: We just send you into our curriculum and it takes you through almost a self-therapeutic process where you establish sexual sobriety, you get a recovery routine, and then you start looking at your internal reaction to life and you start to heal that.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then we bring you through that step by step by step.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's no vagueness around this, just like, here's exactly what you need to do.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's borne upon my own personal experience in recovery in the 12 steps, but also my professional experience helping addicts for many, many years.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you have to have some kind of step-by-step process that really helps to heal the underlying issues while helping you create a recovery structure in your life.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last thing I would say ingredient of that is being around other people.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: So in our program, in you're around a community of men, one that have the exact same problem, cheating, infidelity, uh, marriage issues, real sex addiction, who are also going through the same recovery process and the same solution.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: So you they have the same problem, but they also are working the same solution, the same recovery process that you are.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a huge part of the foundation of recovery, which is just to be around other people that understand you, that you can reach out to, that you have access to 24-7.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a great community inside what we do.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it's that coupled with working on the underlying issues, seems to be the cement that allows people to recover much, much quicker.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people think you need three to five years in therapy to recover from this.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: We see people uh recover, do a majority of their addiction recovery in as little as 90 days and start their healing in the relationship in as little as 90 days.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it goes much quicker in a format.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, can we do all of this online?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So to answer that question, can a cheater change?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Can somebody who's participating, if they are a sex addict and they feel bad about it and they go through an intensive process like what we do in my program, yes, they can recover.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: On the other hand, if they're an addict and they're doing all that stuff and they don't work hard, they don't go through a specific process, maybe they're just doing therapy here and there, maybe they go to some 12-step groups, this and that.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Those people almost never stop.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you see all these videos out there about betrayal trauma and things like that, and he's never going to change and blah, blah, blah.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of truth to that because why is that?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: People don't, they don't do the work that's necessary, they don't do it intensely enough.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: They're dipping their toes in in therapy, they're dipping their toes in in 12-step groups, they're promising themselves and everything, but there's just no intensity to it, and there's no actual guidance on how they should actually recover from this.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so that person who has that addiction, because it's an addiction, they're going to continue acting out no matter how bad the consequences get.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Consequences do not get an addict sober.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: A sex addict gets sober by doing the right kind of recovery, the kind of recovery that I was just describing.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: So the answer to that question is no, if they're either doing the wrong thing and they don't, you know, they don't get the right guidance on this, or they're just not trying at all to do anything in the recovery, that person's just going to keep acting out over and over and over and over and over again, and they're going to lose their life and they're going to lose their marriage.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: However, if the person is serious about this, does the work, comes in, has the right guidance, like something like what we do in our program, they can recover.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: The majority of the men that come into my program that really feel bad and they really work hard and they do all the things that we tell them to do, the majority of them get sexually sober, their life gets way, way, way, way better, and they start the healing in the relationship.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And not only that, but the majority of the men that come in where the relationship is in jeopardy, they end up staying together with their partners.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Most men in recovery, if they're doing the right thing and their partner is willing to allow them to do that, that marriage, that partnership survives recovery.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's very rare in my program for a couple to actually split up throughout.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: It does happen, but most people stay together.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, we get reports from him and from her that there in some ways the relationship is better than it ever has been.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot of hope.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: So to answer that question, yes, a cheater can change.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody participating in infidelity behaviors, yes, they can change, but it's a process, it's some intensity, and it takes a lot of work in order to get there.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you're watching this video and you're like, oh my God, that's me.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: I need this thing.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere around this video, down in the description, there'll be an opportunity to reach out to us.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's to book a call, maybe it's to send us a DM, and it'll give you some clear instructions on how you can connect with us and we'll connect with you, see if what we do would be a good fit.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: If it's a call with my recovery advisor, he'll walk through what everything is all about.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: We'll get to know you, make sure you're a good fit, talk about what it would look like working together.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you do schedule a call or reach out, um, just know that on that call you're gonna learn a lot about recovery, regardless of whether you you work with us.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's worth scheduling a call and getting on the call.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even if at the end of that call we decide that it's not a good fit, you're gonna learn a ton.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: So reach out to us, let us know what you need.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: The instructions for that are somewhere around this video, probably in the description, and we'll talk and we'll see if we can help you out.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, and if you've gotten to the point where your wife is checking your phone all the time, watch the next video to see why it is that she's doing that.