Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep6: Behind the Scenes/ Aging and Surgery 🤣

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S2 Ep6: Behind the Scenes/ Aging and Surgery 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: You might remember me from an episode of Seinfeld that I did that had a very famous tagline.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: They're real and they're spectacular.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean now they're still real.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I would argue still spectacular if you're attracted to tube socks filled with sand hanging from a scarecrow.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, hardly any of us are real anymore.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, just look at Instagram.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like we all are filled with fake boobs and fake butts, fake teeth.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're so fake that when we do finally end up in a casket, we probably won't even rot.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or hundreds of years from now, they'll be digging up little sparkling veneers and deflated plastic sacks, wondering, was this a cemetery or a party city?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Aging while female is not for the faint of heart.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, wine of a certain age is considered rare.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And grapes of a certain age are considered raisins.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And women of a certain age are not considered in Hollywood at all.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Cheers.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: I have three 18-year-old cats, one 12-year-old dog, and a car from 1978.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: We're all just waiting around to see who dies first.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was one of those folks that um rescued a dog during COVID.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, mine came with poor eyesight and a collapsed anus.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: But so did I.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: No, I can barely read my texts anymore.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, most people hear 69 and think sex.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I think font size.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I have got to be the only actress in Hollywood who actually had plastic surgery on my butthole instead of my base.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Anal Fissures brought on by pregnancy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: No, don't feel sorry for me.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: My asshole just made Maxim Top 100.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: All of this to say I've become a cliche, an old lady with too many cats who's also single.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Living alone, I guess it, you know, it really hasn't been easy on me or my sex life.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Although it's not like it took a pandemic for my vagina to be on lockdown.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, even my Alexa knows that I'm in a dry spell.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: She's heard me so often complain about having no sex in a long time.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: That once I said, Alexa, what's the time?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, It has been a long time.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was so long ago that iPhones had a charging port and a headphone jack.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, even the iPhone's holes were being more occupied than yours.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: Some would call that Alexa spying, but I call it finally getting some goddamn attention.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Now, for my birthday, she sent me chocolates and a 10-speed dildo.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: With batteries.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and uh, not just one.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm on Raya Elite Singles and Bumble and celebrities who once fucked James Bond, MacGyver, and Superman, but can't find a date, so have been single for years.com.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I do worry that if you don't use it, you lose it.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's what they say.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I know that applies to my brain and my biceps.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm wondering if it includes my clitoris.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Has my vagina gotten old like the rest of me?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: And does it need Botox or fillers?
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: It definitely needs filling.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: How dry is it?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Could we hold Burning Man in there next year?
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: These were questions I needed answered.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I needed my gynecologist to go down on me.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm in his office and I'm lying there with my legs up in the stirrups, and he's rooting around.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I finally get up the nerve to ask him, uh, doctor, does it look like a guy would have a good time in there?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: He he peeked his head up over the sheet that was covering my lap, and he said, Terry, you have a totally average vagina.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, does he mean average like 49% of women have better vaginas and 49% of women have worse vaginas?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Or does he mean average like a C?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I am not a C student, and I certainly don't intend to start with my vagina.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: But he said he meant it like it was just perfectly normally functionally fine.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm, you know, I'm an honest gal, so that is how I introduce myself now.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Terry.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: I have a totally average vagina.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Even my mother, my 86-year-old mother, called me the other day so excited.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Terry, your father and I have met the most amazing man.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: He's single, he used to be a pilot, and he speaks Russian.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: So then she said to me four words that made me consider legally emancipating myself even though I'm in my 50s.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Here, talk to him.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, so right, you can you can picture, you can picture me going, uh, no, no, no, no, mom, no, what are you doing?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Mom, mom, don't hand the phone, please don't hand the phone to Hello Terry.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is Pete.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Or whatever the fuck he said.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember because my head was spinning, my heart was pounding, my palms were sweating.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I I felt like I was somewhere between a stroke and a grisly attack.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: I squeaked out an awkward hello.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Terry Hatcher, he said.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: This is so cool.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Your mom's told me all about you.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's recap.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: I am talking to a total stranger.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: He knows exactly who I am, exactly what I look like.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: He could have even masturbated to me at some point in his life.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's true, I've been around a long time.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Pete, um, I'm sure you can appreciate that this has caught me a little off guard.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um, how exactly did you meet my mom?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we just bumped into each other in Costco.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh my god.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Is my mom just strolling down the aisles of Costco?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like telling everyone that her world-famous daughter is so pathetically in need of a date that she'll just hand out my number to any man without a wedding ring.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: I hear my mom in the background yelling, speak Russian to her.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the only thing Russian I want right now is a case of vodka.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Pete, could you put my mom back on the phone?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: She told me she was texting me a picture.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: I got the picture.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, Pete was kind of cute.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: But then I looked closer.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: I zoomed in on the photo, and I could see that he was wearing a Costco name tag.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, my whole career, tabloids have made me a headline of some kind, sometimes on a red carpet pumping gas.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: But lately, lately now, the headline is Have you seen her lately?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, she's really aged.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: What happened to her?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, I'll tell you.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you what happened to me.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I got married, I got divorced, I had a hit TV show, I did some movies, I got married again, I grew a baby inside me.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I moved to New York, I took a toddler on the subway, I got divorced again, I had another hit TV show, I won some awards, I raised money for charities, I went to cooking school, I one shopped in the Great British Bake Off.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I ran two marathons, I parented a beautiful human, I cared for aging parents, I cared for care of friends, friends took care of me, I taught myself to play piano, and I survived celibacy for a fucking year alone in a pandemic.