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Rabbi Moshe Haber- Perashat Debarim The Art of Effective Rebuke 8.1.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  That's something I want to analyze, which I think is very
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  important. Pascha opens up with these
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  words. Ella de Venima, shidibe, Morcher
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  koi sail. These are the words that
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  Morcheribe has speaks to Albeni sail, Babel Ayaden and the Pasuk
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  mentions locations and gives us very detailed to the address and
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  the location where Michelibe is speaking.
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  Babel Ayaden across the river, Baman Barda in the desert, Ba da
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  Bah and by the Arava MO suf opposite, I'm suf Ben parano Ben
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  Tofa, between these two places, Villavan, vakhatsarot vidi
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  zahav, it gives us detail, like the detail to the location that
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  he's in officially. Now.
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  What is the Book of Divine book? Book of Divine is a book that
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  was really in a certain sense, of course, it's kind of from
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  Hashem, but it's the word of Mushrabeno.
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  So it's unique in that way. And Rashi says his book de Varim
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  is a word for strong, the very strong, the vision and the very
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  Toka hot. This is Moshella been giving
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  Toka. He's rebuking now.
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  He's a couple of little while before he's passing away.
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  He's rebuking now she's the pursuit continues and says this
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  in the 40th year. It's right before they're going
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  in. He's rebuking right before he
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  passes away. So on.
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  Why now? Now, what is the rebuke about
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  and where is the rebuke? So he's rebuking about all the
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  different problems and the things that we talked about in
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  the Mizbar, all the different complaints and sins and problems
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  and issues. He's talking about all of it.
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  But why now, says Rashi Moshera, Beno got a lesson from somebody
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  else and had a rebuke. Who's that?
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  Somebody else? Yakova Vino.
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  Yakova Vino called in his family right before he passed away, and
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  he called in his first three sons, and he gave them all
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  serious strong rebuke, very strong.
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  And he did this all right before he passed away, even though they
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  did these actions years earlier. Why do we wait till now, Akov?
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  And then Moshe follows him. I trust she because Yaakovia
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  knew Melamel shaloh rehan elisa muklimita mamila man Miyakov.
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  Shaloh, Yaakov, I want to tell you I called, Vino stated.
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  Why did I never rebuke you, Louvain?
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  Revent switched around his mother's beds.
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  Why aren't Yakov's wives beds? Why I never rebuke you until
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  now, Quede? Because I was afraid you might
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  leave me, Louvain. If I would have rebuked you any
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  earlier, you would have left me possibly and join a Saabs camp.
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  And there are many reasons why rebuke should not be done before
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  person is very old time for the dying.
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  First of all, you don't want to over rebuke.
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  You don't want to embarrass the person.
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  And so much therefore follow Yakovina's way, where Yakov
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  didn't rebuke until the day he died pretty much.
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  Or she had been the same idea, didn't rebuke until the end.
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  The question is why So as she says, why?
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  Because if you rebuke any earlier, the person will maybe
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  join a different camp, not just a different camp.
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  It's Savv's camp Blue van who's a great man will join is Sav's
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  camp because of hearing rebuke. So the question no more is this
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  why does it matter? Or she says because you don't
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  want to over rebuke. Why does it matter if you do it
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  the end of a life or person does in the middle of the life?
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  What's the difference? And join as Sav's camp.
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  Don't you think it's a bit extreme?
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  New Van was a great man who did we know what he did wrong?
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  It's like listening to it's hardly anything and he's the man
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  he told him he's going to join as.
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  Sav was the the epitome of evil's camp.
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  So in this concept you see something very important and
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  that is people do not like facing and realizing their
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  faults. Nobody out there ever likes
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  admitting he's wrong. Nobody.
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  And if someone stares, their fault in the eye, it's
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  embarrassing and it's something they can't accept.
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  Your doubt is so unique because he was able to accept it.
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  That's what makes you doubt so special.
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  Because he was able to Yoduka, he was able to admit it.
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  It's such an unbelievable strength.
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  Why nobody? I'll give you an example.
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  Let's say Abraba gives a speech to him because he's got a topic.
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  He's bashing a certain topic, whatever it is.
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  I don't know what's going on about sending you this going
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  about eating out, this going on. Every person in the crowd.
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  This is something I know for myself as being a member of the
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  crowd. Every person in the crowd hears
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  that speech. And if it's a bashing, bashing
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  speech, what they do is channel in a way that it makes me feel
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  good. He's bad.
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  The robber is bashing somebody bashing a topic.
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  It makes me somehow feel that I'm good in that topic and
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  everybody else around me is flawed in that area.
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  When he's talking to a specific topic, how does it happen that
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  you somehow feel good? Because the way we channel
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  things is we never naturally are willing to accept fault.
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  We don't like it. It doesn't make it feel
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  comfortable. Yeah.
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  Karvy, you knew this or should have been a knew this.
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  So what they do, they rebuked on the days that they were dying.
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  Why does that help? Because if you rebuke a person
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  and then you're no longer around them, they don't need to face
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  the person who knows their flaws so they know what they did
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  wrong. They can accept that if it's
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  coming from a dying man, but they don't need to stare at that
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  person in the face tomorrow and the next day, the next day and
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  realizing with the embarrassment of what they did wrong.
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  Because nobody likes to face faults.
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  Either no one likes to accept their faults, all right, or no
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  one likes to look at the person who knows their flaws.
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  We don't like that. And therefore, in our minds, we
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  only channel flaws in a way that still make us feel good, in
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  fact, make us feel like we never made a mistake.
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  That's our head. Have you asked people how many
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  mistakes you've made? It takes a long time for them to
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  have hindsight, to look back at a different period of life, to
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  admit their flaws. While we're in this period,
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  while we're in this current state of life, it's very hard
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  for us to say, oh, last week I made a mistake to this guy.
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  I did this wrong. I messed up with that person for
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  not to do so. And it's an embarrassing
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  acceptance that people can handle.
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  Moscherabino learned this lesson from Alcovino.
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  Therefore he only rebuked on the days he was dying because only
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  then can I rebuke and then walk away.
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  So they'll know the truth, they'll know their mistakes and
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  they don't have to stay. They don't have to face me
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  anymore because people do not like to face their flaws, either
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  literally accepting it or looking at the person who knows
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  their flaws. That's one detail in rebuke and
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  other important lesson. The same vain is how does my
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  shape and start off his rebuke. He says all the locations,
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  Bharava Mor suf be parana Bentofa.
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  He lists different locations. Rashid tells us these are all
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  the places that they send and many of these places actually
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  don't exist. They're just hints to the exact
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  sin. So Moshe Albano in his rebuke to
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  a great people during the days he's dying avoiding their
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  Bouchard because they'll never have to face him again.
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  They'll never have to look at the person who knows their flaws
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  to avoid that Bouchard that way, even within.
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  So he doesn't tell them the flaw directly.
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  He doesn't tell them you did this, at least not in the
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  beginning. You did this wrong and you did
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  that wrong because again, people cannot face their faults.
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  People cannot hear. I messed up this way.
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  I messed up that way. They just can't hear it.
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  And the reality is, if that's a true opinion, so at that time
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  and tree our coffee and it's chosen, it's true with us and we
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  try to hear if someone tries to tell us people always a rabbi,
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  tell them off. Tell the people what they did
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  wrong. Try it.
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  It never works. Maybe you have a couple of
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  bullets in your chamber when you do it.
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  If you're perfect idea skill, you get it done once and that's
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  it pretty much. You can't keep doing it.
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  And if you're smarter, you do something else.
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  You learn from Musha Ben to hint it.
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  You love Musha Ben, to not embarrass the people in the
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  process to get the message across without having them face
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  their faults, which means they can look at you the next day and
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  they see someone who's fully accepting something and look at
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  you the next day and they see someone who doesn't really still
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  know their flaws. Somehow you said it.
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  You dropped and you walked away and you did in a hinting measure
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  like what should have been. And there's one more detail in
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  this concept of rebuke. It's very important in my shares
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  words. One of the rebukes that he says
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  is the words diza have was diza have diza have means.
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  It's officially a location, a location of where Moshe Haben is
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  speaking, but we know there's no such place and we know he's
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  hinting to his sin when he mentioned that place.
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  These are referring to the most classic scene with gold, which
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  is why is it called these are sitrashi enough gold.
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  Enough gold means Moshe Haben to turn to Hashem and said God, you
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  gave them too much gold. Why do you think they sent?
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  And we're sure I better said, imagine we did classic Amara.
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  Imagine if you take a young child, a young good looking kid
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  and you dangle over his neck some money and you put him by
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  the the pathway to something inappropriate.
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  What do you expect? It's going to happen.
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  He's a good looking kid. He's got the money, he's got the
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  approach. What do you think is going to
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  happen? Or Sheriff Bennett was getting
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  Benny. He said all these excuses as
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  he's rebuking them. These are of the location of the
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  sin of the golden cast calf. By the way, our biggest sin, the
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  most the sin that we're still reeling from today, a sin that
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  shifts and changes the path of history.
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  Michelle Beno gives been a sale rebuke, but he does so.
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  But the classic excuse, almost borderline blaming Hashem.
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  Why you're rebuking him. You're finally rebuking him.
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  It's the end of the life. I understand you're saying in a
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  hinting way, to protect them, to protect their dignity.
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  Why would you give them an excuse?
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  Why now? I think this is the most, maybe
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  the most important concept in telling someone when they made a
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  mistake. The most important concept is
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  this. Nobody, I'm telling you from
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  being the recipient, nobody ever likes to be, to disappoint.
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  No one ever likes to feel like they really have in themselves a
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  problem. What they like to accept and
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  what they OK accepting is there's a problem.
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  I out there, I might have associated with that problem for
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  a little while, but that's not me.
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  No one likes to hear you have a character trait, you're
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  arrogant, you have a problem, you have to figure it out.
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  No, they like to hear you know you're associating with the
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  wrong friends and it's bringing out the worst on you that they
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  can hear. No one likes to say, you know,
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  you're not keeping Shabbat. It's a disaster.
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  Look at your Shabbat to like to hear, you know, you didn't
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  structure you Shabar properly and therefore it's leading to
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  not the right kind of Shabbat. No one likes to hear you know,
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  you, you, I don't know what you're eating, where you're
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  going. I say, listen, you have a lot of
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  peer pressure and you're being pulled in the wrong direction.
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  How about you figure it out? No one likes to feel like
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  they're a thief. Like because you know, you're
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  very sloppy in business, you're allowing these things to go.
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  I know the industry is a funny industry, so how about you butt
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  up a little bit? I realize if you can think of
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  this, you might be making some serious mistakes.
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  In honesty, every person can be told off or told that they made
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  a mistake, but never when they're told that they
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  themselves are a problem. You can never be the problem.
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  You'll never hear it and said to this child.
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  You'll ignore the person, you'll think he's not talking to you,
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  but you'll walk away. Well, should have been
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  understood this R So you figured it out.
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  It's perfection again. One is no one likes to face
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  their flaws, which means you don't like to face the person
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  who knows your mistakes. So he waited till the days he
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  died like y'all Corvino, so that they hear the message, but the
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  next day they don't have to look at him again.
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  Even more shy Ben who cared about them, protected them,
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  loved them, prayed for them. They don't want to stare at the
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  man who knows that they have a mistake.
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  They don't want to see it. It's embarrassing.
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  There's Bouchard. It's 1/2 or should have been
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  instead, in a hinting way, because again, no one likes to
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  hear outright. You have a problem.
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  And thirdly, even the hint was quoted in an excuse.
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  Why are you giving these people an excuse for making a grave
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  error that shifted the course of history that involved Abu
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  Dazarah? That was considered a very big
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  problem that we're still reeling from till today.
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  We have the Shabab coming. It's because of that all these
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  cinema Sherman speaks about specifically ego and managalim
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  are really the base and the source of the Shabab.
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  So why are you giving him an out?
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  Why are you saying deserve? Why are you talking to God and
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  blaming God at time where you should blame the people?
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  It's the end of your life. You know you're not saying
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  directly anyhow. Why not just turn them in their
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  floors? And the answer is nobody likes
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  to hear that they have a problem.
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  No one and not only one doesn't like to hear it.
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  They won't accept it, they'll either turn away or just ignore
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  it. Unless you have been understood.
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  This let me give it to them in a message that's going to power
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  them forward. And the idea of rebuke in
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  general, the idea of recognizing a flaw is to hear it in a way
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  that's going to push you forward.
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  Being disappointed, being upset, revealing to a person how they
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  have a real problem most times, 9 times out of 10, just leads to
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  more destruction, leads to depression, leads to ignorance,
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  leads to a person having no pathway to grow.
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  Instead, every single thing we do needs to be a guidance to
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  power forward, needs to be a mindset that says you can get
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  out of this. It's not you, it's an issue
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  that's around you. And obviously we all know it's
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  true. Every single fault that we have,
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  we're all good people at our core.
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  It could be our influence, it could be our upbringing, it
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  could be our our community, it could be our family, it could be
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  anything, could be our mindsets unhealthy.
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  All those things are true, not as an excuse, but rather as a
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  way to power forward where you just cut that off, you addressed
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  the problem and you remain the same person going forward,
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  unless you haven't understood this.
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  And so he gave the most maybe strongest 'cause it was a
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  basically dressing down in the last 40 years and it was
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  revealing some real problems. It was very strong, but it was
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  coded in a very careful way where instead of beating a
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  person down with the classic understanding of rebuke as we
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  know it, he built them up. He pushed them forward, He gave
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  them a mindset that's going to get them further in life.
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  And he did so with these three things, not making them face
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  their flaws constantly, not telling them a direct way, and
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  not even blaming them, rather blaming their situation.
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  So they cut off the situation, they address it, and they go
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  forward. That's the mindset, that's the
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  idea, yes.