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S3 Ep7: The Rogan Rundown in Six Laughs 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I see this noble bee, and I'm like, noble bee, you stung even though you knew you were going to die.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you do it?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the bee's like, I saw a baby next to me in the grass, and I was like, fuck that baby.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I grew up in Boston.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: A little too cold, but lessons to be learned.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I was delivering newspapers, it was one of my jobs, and every morning I used to get up.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'd worked 365 days a year, and I saw some shit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll never forget this one dude.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was 19 years old.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: I was driving this car, it was snowy as fuck, and this dude lost control of his car and he's sliding through an intersection.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: And in the middle of the slide, he took a sip of coffee.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Straightened the ass end of his car out and got up on his merry way.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't fucking pull over and call the psychiatrist and run to the pharmacist, throw back a bottle of pills.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: He fucking dealt with it like a man.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like a man who shovels snow.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: A man who's nut scared.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I love the show The Game of Thrones, but I hate everybody who read the books.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's weird.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's a conundrum.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't hate that they read the books.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I hate that they have to tell me they read the books.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's one of those things that people do where they tell you they read the book just to let you know that they read.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: They always say the same thing.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh, Game of Thrones is the best show.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: You go, the book's even better.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, it's not.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's never better to not see something, you fuck.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know what you're doing.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: You just want me to know you read the book.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, the book's better, really.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: I watch the show, I see naked people have sex and then sword fight to death.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you're sitting there with your eyes close, I could only imagine what that would be like.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's better if I don't even see.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck you, you fake Smarty Pants.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: I know exactly what you're doing.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you know about Colorado?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know about it?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's cold there too.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And they have legal weed.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's the way to do it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: First state.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: First state to step up.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: First state to say enough is this fucking baby nonsense.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Treat me like a child, tell me I can't have weed.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, everybody who tells you you can't have weed, they all should get on weed.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Every single one of those motherfuckers.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: They're the people who need weed more than anybody.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: The people that are trying to stop weed.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody says you're wasting your life.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're gonna get paranoid.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're getting paranoid.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's the best part.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's afraid of that.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's afraid of getting paranoid.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's a good idea to be paranoid now and again.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think people are entirely too cocky for the situation that we're confronted with.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: What this life actually is, we're s we're on a fucking giant ball that's spinning in space, and nobody talks about it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's going a thousand miles an hour, floating in the sky, above us is a giant fireball, a million times bigger than the earth, and you need it for vitamin D.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: If you stare at it, you'll go blind.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's trying to give you cancer, and if it's not there, you get sad.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're not freaking out?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: We're spinning in infinity, and it doesn't come up.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: What's infinity?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's the weird one.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: What's infinity?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: It means it's so big you can't measure it.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's crazier than that.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: It does mean that, but you know what that really means?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That means infinity is so big that everything that has ever happened on Earth in the exact same order, down to that pause, has happened an infinite number of times all throughout the universe.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Everywhere in space, there is a you making the same colossal fucking errors that you've made your entire life.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: So if anybody ever tells you you could do better, man, go, apparently not.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's infinity! And if that doesn't freak you out, man, you need to eat a pot cookie and get on a fucking airplane.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because you're entirely too cocky.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: You're entirely too cocky.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: You want to shit your pants?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Pot cookie airplane.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's a religious experience.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's available for everyone.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: They don't eat honey.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's how you know vegans are completely ridiculous.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: The real hardcore vegans, they don't eat honey, and they they love to say this.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you can, but I don't.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, thank you so much! I didn't know I could have honey.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm still below you though, right?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're better.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Honey! Fucking honey! You don't have to kill to get honey.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: You just take it with smoke.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: You blow smoke on them and you take it.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even know it's gone.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even get mad.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And this motherfucker was like, you really think it's cool those bees just work for people?
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah, it's kind of fucked up, right?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know what bees do when they're not making honey?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing! It's not like they're on their way to bee stunt driving school and they got kidnapped and forced to work in the white man's honey factory.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: No, they're country little shitty bugs with one job.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: They make honey and they only live to be a week.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: They only live a week, they died of old age in a week! And they died doing everything.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: They die when they sting you, and the male honeybee has sex, his dick breaks off and he bleeds out.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: That is literally nature telling you to go fuck yourself.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't see it that way, man.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't fucking see it that way, okay?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: I think of all animals in the universe as unique and individual and equal.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when I see a penis dying, I feel the same way as if a loved one was passing.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I see this noble bee, and I'm like, noble bee, you stung even though you knew you were going to die.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you do it?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the bee's like, I saw a baby next to me in the grass, and I was like, fuck that baby.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Team people, bitch.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: Team people.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: The reason why we're still here is someone way smarter than you figured out how to steal honey with smoke.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I used to have babies, but now I have kids.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's a totally different proposition.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: See, when you have a baby, a baby's like the cutest puppy of all time.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: They're like so amazing.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: You look at him, they look at you, he's smiling.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Whoa! Amazing.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then one day they start watching the way you run shit, and they're like, And they start thinking about things that you tell them to do that they don't want to do.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: And when they get to be about three, that's when my daughter first spoke up.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I go, come on, it's time to go to bed.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Why?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have a job.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: And we're just sitting there looking at each other.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew that this was a pivotal moment in being a parent.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because I had to figure out what kind of parent am I gonna be.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I decided I'm not gonna be the type of parent that just raises my voice.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna treat my daughter like she's my equal.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: But the difference between us is that I just have more information.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: But I love her so much that I would only do things always that benefit her 100%.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, listen, you gotta go to bed because your mom doesn't let me fuck her unless you're asleep.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and and and you want mommy and daddy to stay together, right?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: But look, dad, daddy's gotta fuck, okay?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, I never said that.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: What the fuck?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus Christ, people.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: White dudes, no.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: They stop, they go searching for shit that's not real, and it's sad.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're nice people.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I was talking to this one dude, and he fucking saw Bigfoot everywhere.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: He told me that one time, this is the most ridiculous story anybody's ever said.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You know, Bigfoot has the ability to imitate a wide variety of animals.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Have you experienced this?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Without a doubt.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you this one story.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't gonna believe this, okay?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was walking down this road and I passed this blackberry bush, and I heard this bullfrog.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, breed it, breed it, and I stopped, and it stopped.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I keep going.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: It starts again.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Breed it.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I stopped and it stopped again.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: I get all the way home, shut my front door, and I realize that was a fucking side squash.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just me and this dude alone in the woods looking at each other.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, probably.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, probably wasn't a frog.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: Way more likely it was a big unknown monkey fucking with you.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: What can you say to a poor guy like that, man?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: They fucking want to believe, but there's no evidence.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's what's fucked up.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You can't find anything.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: You go looking, what do you find?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: You find nothing.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there's the Patterson footage.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: Have you seen the Patterson footage?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You can't you can't deny the Patterson footage.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Patterson footage is the holy grail of Bigfoot.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking for Bigfoot, the best piece of evidence, it's the Patterson footage.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: And it is, without a doubt, a guy in a fucking monkey suit.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it is the dumbest shit ever.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's a guy in a monkey suit.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: How do I know it's a guy in a monkey suit?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, but I'm guessing.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Here's why I'm guessing it's a guy in a monkey suit.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, because it looks like a guy in a fucking monkey suit.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that doesn't exist in nature.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: There's not a single animal in all of nature like that, looks like a guy in a lion outfit.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: No, it's a lion.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Lions move different, they have a different way of moving around.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: If you see a guy in a fucking monkey suit, that looks like a guy in a monkey suit.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's a female Bigfoot.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell it has breasts.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Why would someone put breasts on an outfit?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: They like tits?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know, man.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean it's Bigfoot, you fucking crazy asshole! Well, you don't know anything about anatomy.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you this.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why a normal person has a bend of about 12 degrees as they walk.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: With Sasquatch, it's more like 19.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Why would you walk like that?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Unless you had big rubber feet and you try not to trip on sticks and such.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Out there, fucking waddling around.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do I know?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, I don't know.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: I might be wrong.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do I know that that's really Bigfoot?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Of course I don't.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm guessing.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Here's why.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: The Patterson footage was named after a guy named Roger Patterson who filmed it, who was a known con man who went to jail for writing a bad check to pay for the very camera he used to film Bigfoot.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Number two, he filmed Bigfoot the first fucking day went looking.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And number three, a guy named Bob Hieronymus wore the Bigfoot outfit, passed a lie detector test saying he wore a Bigfoot outfit.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: I told this this dude, and he goes, doesn't mean it wasn't really Bigfoot on that film.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: What you have to understand is what if they went out there to do a hoax, and as they got out there, the real Bigfoot showed up and they captured it on film.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Could you imagine the mindfuck?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Of going out there with intent to deceive you, man.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's a female Sasquatch outfit, so he's adjusting these rubber breasts, he's zipping it up, getting in place, and he turns around and the real Bigfoot's there, and he's jacking off, just looking at you.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_01: He's got a dick like a cop's flashlight.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: And he just charges.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And you trip over those big stupid feet.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Bigfoot's on you.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: And the cameraman's going, what do you want me to do, man?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Should I keep filming?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: First verifiable Bigfoot footage is Bigfoot fucking a dude in a Bigfoot outfit.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: No one knows what to do.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Even TMZ is like, what the fuck?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Is this a man in a monkey suit getting fucked by a dude in a way better monkey suit?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's what we're looking at.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: We're looking at the ultimate cry wolf.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: They're fucking with us here, man.