Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / Haunted by the Past: Revisiting a Cold Case and Its Emotional Aftermath

Transcript

Haunted by the Past: Revisiting a Cold Case and Its Emotional Aftermath · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Well, what is going on?
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Everybody, my name is Aaron and welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: So on this episode, we're going to talk about things present, not things of the past.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a vulnerable episode where I talk about some things that I'm going through right now, as we speak, that I think some of you will be able to relate to.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you how I got there and I hope to God that through some therapy, I can get out of where I am, because I'm in kind of a bad place.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Before we go there, I want you guys to join the conversation, if you're well, if you want to Go to Instagram at Murders to music.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: That is a Instagram page dedicated to the listeners of this show and you can join that conversation, you can ask questions and from there we can all grow together and I can see who's out there in the world.
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: There's people all over the world listening to this every single week and that is so awesome.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: So let's talk a little bit about things present.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: So let's talk a little bit about things present.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Let me just start by telling you that, as I sit here, I'm not the guy that I was a year ago.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: I'm not the guy that I was in.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Even October, november of last year, that guy was happy, he was.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: I always had a smile, he was patient, he was kind, he was loving, he was genuinely filled with joy.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: The guy, that sadness, all the bad things, and I know how I got here, but I don't know how to get out, and the journey from where I was to where I am now really has to do with one thing, and that is a situation I was involved in in starting in February of this year, you see, a long, long time ago.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: And before I go any further, disclaimer if I talk about anything in this episode that has to do with case specific information, whatever I said during testimony or during the court proceedings is the truth.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I am not looking at any notes, I'm not looking at any reports and I am having a convert intellectual conversation for the purposes of a mental debrief, education, value and lessons learned for the listeners of this podcast.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: If you are a defense attorney, do not try to shove this up my ass.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: And if you, yeah, don't.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: So here we go.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: So, uh, back in 2015, I was assigned a cold case homicide and the lady was killed in Mountain Hood Community College and she was killed in 1980.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I was assigned that case.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: There had been no viable leads up until that point and that's the way the case sat leads up until that point and that's the way the case sat.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Without getting into a lot of details, I'll tell you what is in the media.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: This young lady was on her way to college when she was kidnapped off the street by a random stranger.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: It was dark, it was stormy, it was a snowy, rainy, sleety night.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: There was snow on the ground, it was dimly lit.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: At that time the Mount Hood Community College sat in a rural part of town embankment towards the Mount Hood Community College campus.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: From there she broke away from her captor and she ran out into the middle of the street and threw herself into the lane of traffic, causing other people to have to slam on their brakes to avoid from hitting her.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: She would rather risk dying by getting hit by a car than whatever was waiting for her in those woods.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: People saw this.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: They saw a man come out of the woods and grab her and walk her back into the woods.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: The victim, ms Barbara Tucker, was able to escape again and run back down to traffic, waving her arms, and again, she was seen by several people during this encounter I don't remember the number.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Five to seven different people saw her in the process of this kidnapping escape attempt and at the time there were no cell phones escape attempt, and at the time there were no cell phones.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: People thought it was a prank, they thought it was kids playing around and ultimately this captor took her up into the woods where he beat her to death and raped her, and he left her with her pants pulled down in a snowy, dark wooded area just about 15 or 20 feet off of the paved portion or the gravel portion, whatever it was at the time of the Mount Hood Community College campus.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: That case went unsolved until approximately 2015 is when I got it and I believe we came up with a viable suspect in 2020.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: At that time, there was some DNA left inside the victim that led us to ancestry DNA that led us to a gentleman who was recently convicted for her murder, who was recently convicted for her murder, and that is just setting the stage for what has absolutely rocked my world and put me into a position worse than I ever was as a police officer, the position I sit today I feel worse than I did the day I left the police department.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I feel worse than I did the day I left the police department, so I knew this case was going to come to trial.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: That was something that was pretty obvious throughout the working of this case.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I was the main detective on this case from 2015 until about 2019.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: And at that time, I had a partner that I worked with all the time and I brought her on board to assist in some of the stuff in this case that we needed to get done.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: Um, by the time 2020 came along and we had a potential suspect in this case, we had a couple of them, but we narrowed it down Uh, she was assisting me.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: You know, on a, every time I did something, she was assisting me with it.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: She's a rock star.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: So we were able to get a DNA hit, use ancestry DNA and ultimately identify a suspect.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: When we did the surveillance, we ultimately arrested the suspect and, um, the had an interview with the suspect and the suspect ended up going to jail and ultimately come into this trial.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Well, the trial I knew was coming up early 2024 and, uh, I was fine.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: But let's go back to when I left the police department.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: When I left the police department, I wasn't ready to be done.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: Remember, I still had more murders to solve and more child molesters to put into jail.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: I wasn't out of law enforcement because I wanted to be.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: I was out because I felt like I was being forced out because of my mental health.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: But also hindsight, god had a plan for me to keep me alive.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It was to get out of law enforcement or I was going to die in my cubicle With the blood pressure that I had and the medical problems that I had at the time.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: These are all things that you can't see.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: These are not catastrophic injuries where you have legs blown off.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: These are death by a thousand cuts in your head.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: It's the repeat and constant exposure you have to life threatening situations, your life or other people's lives, and the exposure to death.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: That is ultimately what ended my career.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: So when I left, the police department ended my career.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: So when I left the police department, I wasn't ready to be done.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: I fought it Ultimately was hospitalized as a result of some stress induced issues.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I was having seizures, stroke-like symptoms, et cetera.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: And then, from there, I started to get into therapy because of an interview that I had, and I'll tell you about that interview.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: It's going to be my next episode, actually.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you about an interview that I had and ultimately I started therapy and started on the healing side of life.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Well, I was on that healing side of life for about a year, 14 months or something like that 15 months and that's when this trial surfaced.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: By that time I felt good, I felt happy, I was out of the depression.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: During that time I separated myself from all my law enforcement friends.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: I maintain a friendship with two people there.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Other than that, I don't talk to anybody from the police department.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: I don't go to the police department.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: I don't think about the police department.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: I don't read articles on the police department.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I don't go to the police department.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I don't think about the police department.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I don't read articles on the police department.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: I don't relive my glory days.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: I do everything I can to avoid it.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: During the 14, 15 months of therapy, we had to have conversations about me going to the city and crying and seeing the street corners where bad things happened and I was involved, or just the memories created around that city.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: Uh, I had to talk to my therapist about separating from my family, my police family and my friends that worked there because of the emotional ties that I had to them and the fact they want to talk about police stuff and I just can't.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I can't talk about it.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: I avoided people and places and things that would remind me of my law enforcement career.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: I worked very, very hard to set up walls, boundaries and barriers that kept me from being exposed to the things of my previous life and all of that was fine and I felt good.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I had love and patience in my heart.
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: And then February of 24 comes around and this trial is coming up and I have to go into the DA's office to get briefed and debrief about this trial.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: Well, it's the first time I've been to the DA's office in two years or more and I go in.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen this DA, these DA's, in a long time, but they're this DA, these DAs, in a long time, but they're dear coworker friends of mine.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I've worked lots of cases with them and, uh, I know them very, very well.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: I trust them both, uh, very, very, very much.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: And I go in and I brief.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: It's a Sunday afternoon and I remember going in there and I was nervous walking in when they met me at the door to get me in.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: And I remember going in there and I was nervous walking in when they met me at the door to get me in.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: And I remember going upstairs and I'm like man, this just all feels like it was yesterday.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I was right here and, uh, walking down the halls and smelling the smells and hearing it, hearing just the things that are going on around there and the people's voices that I recognized from the neighboring rooms, um, it sucked.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: And um, we sit down in the office and we start talking about this case and, uh, I'm looking through.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I'm really hoping that today's episode um has some therapeutic.
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: Um is therapeutic for me because I need to get out of where I'm at, but anyway.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: So I remember sitting down with these DAs and these DAs know me as the cop, they know me as the strong Aaron, the Aaron that doesn't break, doesn't crumble and just gets shit done.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: So now we're talking about the case and we're looking through reports and we're looking through pictures, and they're being cognizant of where I'm at and they're like hey, you know, you don't have to look if you don't need to.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I got to look because I'm doing the thing I said, but man, it's all good, I got this, I'm fine.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Nothing's changed.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: It's all good, I got this, I'm fine, nothing's changed on the same errand.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Well, that was a bold faced lie.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: I'm not the same errand.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Um, the old errand was numb, the new errand is an emotional sponge who feels everything, um, and that, I guess, is good, but man, it feels shitty sometimes.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: This is good, but man, it feels shitty sometimes.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: So here I am, acting tough, being exposed to things that I didn't really want to be exposed to.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to read the reports.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to read the details.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to see the autopsy pictures.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to see the crime scene photos.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to get exposed right back to all the same old stuff that I used to be involved in when this was my career and my life and my identity.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: That identity is gone and it's a new identity now, and so I look through all the stuff and we talk about the case, and now we're getting ready for trial.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: So it's time to go to trial.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: A few days later, it goes by two weeks, whatever, it is, three weeks, I can't remember we go to trial and I know the defense attorney that is involved in this case and he has a reputation for being a dick.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: Um, and he held true, he did.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: And, uh, he has a reputation for being a dick.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: And he held true, he did.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: And he is a high-profile defense attorney in our area.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: It's a father-son combination and he's a dick.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: That's my professional opinion.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: He'll say the same about me.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I'm sure he'll call me a liar and all kinds of stuff.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: Anything but a good, honest, hardworking cop that gave his emotional life and almost his real life to help others.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: That part doesn't fucking matter to him, um, all that matters is that anyway.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: So here we are at trial and the trial is going to be two weeks long or something, three weeks long, whatever it was.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Well, you got to remember when I worked this case and it was during COVID that I'm making phone calls to these witnesses who haven't heard from police officers in 40 years, and I'm calling them.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not telling them we're going to make, we're making progress and we're about to make an arrest.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: I'm calling them under the guise of hey, I just need to get caught up.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: I got the sign of the case and you know if you're still alive, where are you at, what's your contact information?
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: But in the back of my mind.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: I know, you know we are weeks out from making an arrest in this, and when we do, you guys are all going to be witnesses in court.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: So I got all their information.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Well, it was a phone call, I was emotionally numb and it didn't matter.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: But now these people are flying across the nation, 40 something years later, to tell their story about what they saw that night and they're holding on to regret, they're holding on to remorse, they're holding on to guilt that this woman jumped in front of her car covered in blood and nobody called the police and she was later found dead.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: That they heard screams and nobody went and investigated.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: They all witnessed and could have stopped this murder and at least summoned some help, but they chose not to.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: Now they're holding on to that for 40 something years.
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: So I'm not the only one crying.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: We get there, and I chose to go to the courtroom because I wanted to meet these people that I had never actually met in person but owed a ton to for their memory and what it is that they were about to endure.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Well, I met them all and kept a strong face for them, and my partner was there, but she knew I was dying inside.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And so I see them all.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: You know, the dozen of them or whatever there is, and their extended families and the families of the victim, and you know.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: But even in that moment I felt I'm okay, I got this.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I felt like I was right back to being a cop, like I never left the police department.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I literally walked through the doors and I'm greeted by the same security staff that knew me as a cop and they're shaking my hand and good to see you.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: And I go up to the hallways and every face I see is somebody that I've worked with in the past and I haven't seen in years.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: And they're congratulating me and you know just about life, and good to see you and all those formalities are nice, but, man, they're kicking the nuts because my identity was back in the day when I knew them and that's where I felt comfortable in life.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Now, uh, I've got a new situation and, um, it's really hard to revisit the past.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: So I'm an emotional sponge with these people.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: I'm a fragile little butterfly emotional butterfly, as one of my ex-co-workers, one of the DAs, calls me, but anyway.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: So now I am at this trial and I've met all these people, I've seen them all and I'm not allowed to go into the courtroom because I'm a testifying witness.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Typically, once you testify you can be released and then you can participate or watch the rest of the trial.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I go in to testify and I can't remember how many hours I'm on the stand, but I think I'm on the stand total over these three times that I'm about to talk about, for I don't know, nine hours, 10 hours, something I don't even know, double digits, I don't know.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: It was a freaking eternity.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Anyway, I get on the stand, go through my direct with my prosecutors.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: They get everything out.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: They want to get out this whole like swear to truth, whole truth, nothing but the truth thing.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: I'm the only one that has to swear to that because that defense attorney doesn't have to say anything.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: That's the truth.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: And they won't even let me tell the whole truth because you know of court rules and hearsay and everything else, but it doesn't matter.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: Then the cross-examination comes up and and this guy is just a raging asshole and he grills me and he tries to get stuff in that doesn't matter and he tries to.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: There was a case several years ago where I wrote an affidavit and I had to summarize.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: There was four defendants, six hours apiece, 24 hours approximately, of interview that I had to summarize on a couple of sentences in an affidavit and I didn't put quotes.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: I I misquoted something and ultimately it was an accident.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: It was a clerical, it was an accident, uh, but he tried to classify me as a liar and brought this up and said that my credibility was shot and that you know I should, I'm on the blacklist and I should never be able to testify.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: And he's doing this in court in front of everybody, and I have the victim's family there that's wondering well, is this true?
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: Did he lie?
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: No, I didn't lie.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: We made a mistake.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: Um, it wasn't a lie and you know, ultimately, because of my ethics, uh, we actually got that defendant off because he wasn't where he says he was and there was no way he could have seen or done what he says he did.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: So, because I'm ethical, I told the truth and got him off, but that doesn't matter, that part got left out.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: Anyway, this defense attorney grilled me for hours and then, as I get done testifying that day, he tells me, and all the whole time, the prosecutors are not stepping up and defending me, which pissed me off because they're just letting him beat me to death on the stand and they're not defending my honor.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: They're not defending me.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I don't feel valued.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm up there just taking an ass kicking because that's what the old Aaron used to do, and just get your ass kicked and it doesn't matter.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: So, anyway, I'm pissed off at them.
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: I want to say some words to them, because why the frick didn't they stand up and defend me?
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: Then the defense attorney is done being an asshole for the day.
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: So I get released.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: But then he asked the judge to gag me.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: So the judge gags me, meaning I can't talk about the case with anybody, including my attorneys, and I don't know when I'm coming back to court.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: So I leave the courtroom.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: I'm pissed.
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: I've just had my ass handed to me.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: The courtroom has heard nothing but lies about me.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I look like a piece of shit cop and my credibility in my mind is zero.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: And the facts of the case don't get to come out, because don't let the defense attorney.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Defense attorneys don't have to tell the truth, they have to create confusion.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: That's like the defense attorney's motto so they can make shit up.
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: That has zero, zero credibility, like Detective Turner.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Are you aware that somebody else confessed to this?
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: Nobody else confessed to this, but they get that out there and everybody else hears it and everybody else is like well, did somebody else confess?
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe he missed it, maybe it's buried in the 16,000 pages of reports or whatever it is.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: So anyway, I'm gagged, I can't talk.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Two weeks goes by, whatever it is, two and a half weeks of me being gagged.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: I can't talk to the prosecutors, I can't talk to my partner.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: I can't talk to anybody about this case.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: And then I got to go back to court.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: Then I get my ass handed to me again by him.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: I get beat up.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I still don't get any defense from prosecution.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: He's allowed to run his flap hole and just make shit up about me and make me look like a piece of shit and then doesn't really want to hear the truth.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: And then I get gagged again and I get sent home.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: Then I have to come back again because now he has subpoenaed me to come and testify for him, but he's not going to let me tell my story.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: He's going to try to screw me again.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: So he does, and all of this is deflection because his client's fucking guilty of murder.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Okay, so he is just telling a story to smoke and mirrors bullshit and trying anything that he can because he is trying to get his attorney or his client off, um, but at the end of the day, uh, it didn't work and the client was found guilty of murder.
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: So I get done with that and we go out and, and you know, I, I, we go out with the prosecutorial team and we go have a drink and celebrate and life is good.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: Then, uh, at the end of that though, I'm high strung, I'm pissed off, I'm angry, I'm short-temperedpered, I'm all the same stuff that I was when I left the police department.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: But now I'm a lot worse, because now I have feelings and emotions and my nervous system isn't shut down, stuck in flight, fight or freeze, and I can feel all these things.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: So processing them sucks now slowly.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I I hoped that if you're drowning and you're in the pool, get out of the pool and chances are you won't drown anymore.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: You got to get out of the water.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: Remove yourself from that environment.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: So I thought that if I remove myself from the law enforcement environment where I felt like a cop again.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I acted and talked and smelled and looked and walked like a cop.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: If I got myself out of that environment I would surely be able to shake this off and just be better.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: Well, after a couple of weeks I wasn't better, I was worse.
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: That's when Easter came I've told you about that in another episode, the biggest blowup of my 26-year marriage with my wife and I ended up going to counseling hoping that would work, felt like it would a couple of times, but even that was back in April.
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: And here we are in July and end of July, beginning of August, and I'm more screwed up now than I was ever.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: I'm dark, I'm depressed, my heart is filled with anger and frustration.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: I can hold it together professionally, but, like inside, it's really, really hard.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: I'm struggling.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: I'm cognitive and smart enough to realize that this is the PTSD.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: This is the after effects and the side effects of what I've been exposed to.
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: All of that exposure that I tried to avoid for, however many double digit months got thrown right back in my face and I'm stuck mentally.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: I believe my brain is stuck in a fight, fight, fight, fight or freeze state and I believe I'm frozen again.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: I believe that I need a reset.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: I need a system reset.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: You need to like, turn me off, turn me back on a system reboot so I can get all my shit in my brain swing in the way it's supposed to.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: But I'm stuck.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: I'm stuck in a bad spot.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I'm stuck in a spot where I feel alone and dark and it's tough for me.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: It really is.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: I know I can get through it, but it's tough.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I'm an absolute mental wreck.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: I don't feel valued.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: I didn't feel valued when I was in the courtroom because of the prosecutors.
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: If they valued me, they would have defended me.
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: Um, I was upset with them.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: I ultimately got to talk to him about it and they said well, hey, you know, there's reasons why we did what we did and I won't go into what those are.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: There's reasons why they did what they did, but it didn't take away the mental scars.
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: Speaking of mental scars, during this whole time between the end of the trial and now, the city that I worked for is a piece of shit that won't let me go.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: They won't close my claim, they won't settle.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: The attorneys that are out there involved with them are dragging me through the mud, and that's also hard.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: When I first kicked off this PTSD claim, I had seven different people diagnosed me with PTSD.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to believe it, but they did.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Now you have to prove it and I put that in air quotes again that you're still suffering from PTSD.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: Everything I'm fricking talking about right now is PTSD.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: A normal person shouldn't be affected this long after the fact, to the point that I am, and they don't get it Gastrointestinal issues, I mean all kinds of stuff going on.
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: But I went to a doctor and the doctor diagnosed me again with PTSD as part of the claim closure.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: So we sent that through.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Then the city said hey, you know what?
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: We're going to go ahead and settle with you, um, and be done with this.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: You know and it wasn't a big settlement, it's fricking pennies, but I'm like I just want this shit off my back.
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: But you know what they did?
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: Within a week they appealed their own claim.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: So they still won't let me go.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: Now they're sending me to another panel of doctors to get re-diagnosed.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: That I still have some issues and effects from PTSD, from my 21 year career of death and dismemberment no shit, I still have issues.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: Anyway, it's another story, but, um, I hate feeling like I have to prove it.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: I said it a minute ago I would have rather had my legs blown off than death by a thousand cuts that nobody can see.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: This doesn't make me less of a person.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: It doesn't make me weak.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: It makes me I don't know what it makes me.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I'm hoping it makes me stronger.
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: By talking about it, I'm hoping that I can help somebody that's out there maybe suffering from the same thing.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: Maybe you found yourself with that hate and that anger and that darkness in your heart and the pit of your stomach.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: Maybe you're out there right now in the field, wearing a uniform, driving a sled, on the other side of the crime scene tape, and you can relate to how I'm feeling.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: You can relate to the darkness, the shortness, the temper.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: You hold your stuff together professionally, because you have to, because you're a professional but man.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Outside of that, I'm right back to where I was and maybe you understand, maybe you relate.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: I know and this is what I hope you take away I know that there's life on the other side.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: I know that I can get through this.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: This isn't the end.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: This isn't, you know, like it's going to be this way forever.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: This is just a side effect of doing what I did for so long and this is part of the healing process.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: I've said it a thousand times I don't believe there's pain without purpose.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: You know this.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: My podcast is supposed to be educational, entertaining and provide value.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: I don't think this was very entertaining and I hope it wasn't just a tale of woes.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: I hope you understand why I had to do this and why I wanted to talk about it and why I wanted to be real and vulnerable, because I'm screwed up and I need help and I need to get it off.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: And there's somebody else out there listening that's in the same place I am and I guarantee you there is.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: This is listened to by lots of people.
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Every week there's somebody else out there that can relate to where I am.
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: Whether you're a cop, whether you're a banker, whether you're a pharmacist, whether you're a doctor, a teacher or plumber, you got stuff in your world.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: Mine is exposure to law enforcement.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Yours could be exposure to pornography, to alcohol, to whatever it else may be in your world.
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: That's got you in that dark place.
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: There's life on the other side, you guys.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: Not every episode is going to be sad or emotional or just unloading, like tonight was.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: But if you like this episode or if you like Murders to Music, the podcast, hopefully you stuck with this and thank you for listening to me.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: You guys are like a free therapy session.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you guys got something out of it and hopefully my heart can feel a little bit better by getting this shit off my chest.
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: I've got some therapy this week and I'm hoping that, uh, life gets better for me soon, cause, man, it really sucks.
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: If you guys can relate, shoot me a message, give me some fan mail on some of those uh posts.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: And, speaking of the gentleman who gave me some fan mail this week and said he could relate to where I was and some of the things I said, thank you so much for reaching out.
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: Man, you don't have any idea and if there's only been one fan mail, so yeah, I'm talking to you and it felt so good to know that at least one person can relate to where I am.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: Thank you guys so much.
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: I love you guys from Murders to Music.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: Thank you, please check us out Instagram from Murders to Music.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you, please check us out Instagram at Murders to Music and join this conversation.
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: Hit me up there, send me some messages.
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Take care of you, guys Until next time.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: Love you.