Latest / Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!! / The Unexpected Power of Vulnerability in Men’s Mental Health

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The Unexpected Power of Vulnerability in Men’s Mental Health · Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!!

• Pete: Welcome to the New York Signing episode of Pete vs. Andy. guest today is a psychotherapist, leadership coach, and a speaker specializes in helping high achieving men break survival patterns that keep them on the successful, keep them successful on the outside, but unfulfilled on the inside. Please welcome in Demonte Whiting. Is that, did I say it right? Or did I butcher it, man? I'm sorry if I did. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here, man. I appreciate it. Why don't you tell everybody little more about yourself? Give them a little feel for who you are. Ever wish you had someone to talk to anytime, anywhere, matter what you're going through? Meet PsychPAL, your 24-7 AI companion, designed to help you process your thoughts, calm your mind, and keep you moving forward. Chat anytime during a panic attack on a restless night or just when you need to vent. Prefer talking instead of typing? Try voice journaling. PsychPAL listens, transcribes, and truly understands. You can even upload screenshots of tough conversations, and it'll help you unpack how they made you feel. PsychPAL keeps life organized, too. DeMonta Whiting: That is correct, the monster whining is. Yes. peter: Show ⁓ DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, so that's always a good question, right? You don't know where to start. I would say that I've been in this field for about 10 years now. I've had my practice for about five. I've worked with a lot of different populations. It is this population that I have found significant to sex, successful with it. And I think it is because it's interesting. It is a population that doesn't get looked at much because they're the type that seems to have it all together. Pete: It can add appointments to your calendar, track your mood, and even summarize your sessions for your therapist so you'll never lose progress. Plus, built-in crisis resources are always just one click away. It's a privacy-first, constantly evolving, made to complement your professional care, not replace it. Ready to try it out? Head over to the link in this episode and use my code, Pete, at checkout to get 20 % off your first month subscription to PsychPAL. PsychPAL, because your mind deserves a companion too. All right, technically. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: This is usually, you're usually looking at like the oldest child often is often the case where they have a lot of responsibility. ⁓ they're used to having to figure things out without much help. And so how their life is kind of, that's what their life ⁓ of looks like. and so when they come to me, I found that like, I have within me that works really well with them. And I think it's because I'm pretty much like them, you know? Like I wasn't the oldest, but I was the oldest male in my family. And I had a lot of responsibility. And as I started doing therapy, just, I just find that like, skillset works really well with them. I see the world the way they see it. I ⁓ had overcome a lot of obstacles that has gotten me to this place now where I feel at peace with myself. And so my goal is to be able to do that for them as well. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. That makes sense. So like, you know, and the fact that she can relate to people is what I think is the biggest driving force is that, you know, these people are coming to you and they're like, well, he gets it, you know, and we always want that. We always want that feeling like somebody understands what we're feeling. So that way you don't feel like you're the weird person in the room because you get it. And then you guys can, you know, have an honest conversation because it's like, you know, because that comes with anything you think about, like mental health itself, like you talk to certain people, you can tell what people get it and what people don't get it. Because based on the way the conversation starts going, like, you DeMonta Whiting: Yes. Pete: And it's scary sometimes because now I'm able to identify it a lot of times when people start talking to me I'm like I'm thinking about what they're saying and I'm listening to what they're saying get certain things are saying let you know they get it and other things tell you like hey they're just not they're not really sure what you're talking about they're just trying to be very nice ask questions about it but then it's like mmm you know they just don't understand you know what I mean it's like yeah it's like you know what I mean like you can tell in a conversation most people that understand what's going on and things like that too so DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and in therapy, they weed out pretty quickly because they may go along with, yeah, yeah, this is working, but you don't get that far. Especially if you're working with high achievers that's trying to get things done. They're usually not the type that's gonna play around too much. They don't have a lot of time to do that. And so they're usually the types that like, okay, this is what I want, this is how I want it, let's go. And it works fine with me. Pete: It is Mm-hmm. Yeah, you know, and it works perfect because they know what they want exactly, you know, and it's besides, you know, versus somebody else who has no idea. And you're still trying to figure out where they want to go and where the path and everything else. So, you know, and things like that, too. And you have an impressive resume. Men's Insider. Shout out L.A. Voyage L.A. Like these are some big names here, man. That's awesome, though. Like it has to feel good that, you know, these guys are wanting to talk to you about the things you're doing, man. That's like that's really cool, though. DeMonta Whiting: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, appreciate it. Yeah, it's great. I spent the last few years honing my craft before I even did anything like this because I wanted to make sure that I had the, I wanna make sure that when I present what I'm is worth presenting for people. So now that here doing this, it's like all the training wheels are off, let's go. ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, what was the road like getting to this point? I mean, was it a rough ride for you? I know you said you're the oldest brother in the family. So like a lot of people you saying were relying on you as a kid. Like, did you did you feel like that sense of entitlement, like you had to grow up sooner than you had to? DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, I mean, I want to go into too much detail, but it's a rough upbringing. Yeah, yeah, like a rough upbringing. First of all, I saw from Newport, New Virginia, AKA Bad News. So shout out to Bad News. They got the nickname for a reason. It just was a rough neighborhood, rough environment, a lot of moving around, a lot of having to figure things out on the fly. And so through that experience, Pete: Yeah, you don't have to. No, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: It's interesting because experience teaches you how to survive in that environment. But there's also something unique to you where for me it was, I see how these people are interacting with each other. Not is it ⁓ survival, is interesting to me. This is something I want to look more into. And so I got older, when I went to college, my major was Spanish. I always wanted to study Spanish. But I also took psychology courses. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, see, I was going to ask you about if psychotherapy was going to be your first thing, but now you've already led into that one for me too. So Spanish was your first major, huh? DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, I wanted to I don't know why, I can tell you the story why. Okay, let's go into it. So I had a friend, I had a friend back in, ⁓ so in Virginia, I had a friend, was a Puerto Rican kid named Roberto. If you see him in Roberto, hit me up, named Roberto. And introduced me to their world, right? And it was totally different from the world I grew up in. And I spent a lot of time with him. Pete: Okay. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: And I spent a lot of time with him and his family helped me out a lot through some difficult situations. And so when we split, we split like in middle school, we moved to different part of Virginia and then we moved to Maine. And so I never saw him again. And I went to college and I trying to figure out a major, what I wanted to study. And I had been studying Spanish. So since I met him, I started studying Spanish. And I think I got D in my first Spanish class in middle school. in sixth grade and then from then on it's been straight A's throughout college. just always wanted to be, I guess, interpreter or like ⁓ translator for people. I thought it would be a cool thing to do. And that was my plan. That was my life trajectory aside from also loving psychology. ⁓ So like them both. So let's see. So I get into college. I'm studying Spanish. Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: I'm taking some psych courses too. I love them both. I'm doing well in both. And then what's crazy is that my junior year I got diagnosed with cancer, right? And was a pretty crazy, yeah. It was a pretty crazy cancer. I was out of school for about a year and ⁓ getting treatment. And this where a lot of this goes back to therapy because I guess prior this I was a very much a people pleaser. I was very much of as the older. Pete: Okay, okay. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: Also like learning that other people's are, other people are more important. Other people's needs are more important than your needs. ⁓ I learned that early on. And so I took that with me into adulthood, and with, and to some very unhealthy personal relationships that I've had. ⁓ so I got sick my junior year, went to the hospital. I was in there for about a year. I got out and then everything just changed. I just went full on psychology. I don't know why I just, I just kind of did it. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Well, I know why. I know why. That period, mind you, I sat there for a year. That period of me being there, I started like, I want to say somewhere August, September, I think I got out in May, June. That's not a year, but that's somewhere around there. That period was so crazy for me. It forced me to face myself in ways that I'd never done it before. It forced me to... Pete: Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. DeMonta Whiting: When you're in a life of death situation, it forces you to see what's most important to you. It forces you to take the reins of your life if you're gonna ride this thing out, right? And I was determined that this was not gonna be a thing that took me out. I don't know. I was determined that this wasn't gonna be it. The doctors were telling me otherwise. ⁓ And so... Pete: They always tell you something otherwise, doctor wise, because they're really not sure a lot of times. You know, we have a good friend of the show, Dee, he went through cancer as well. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: And that's a lot of time. There's a lot of liability. Yeah, there's a lot of liability issues there. I think it was something environmental. I'm not quite sure, but I think you take the environmental, you add it on with the high stress. Voila, you got a recipe for disaster, And so what was that? I was studying psychology. Oh, I know why. Because there was a part of my treatment that you couldn't do with chemo. You couldn't do radiation and you couldn't do with surgery. Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: And that is the mind. And I had to this week, people please in person who grew up in ⁓ of our situations, I had to now take the reins or but it's up to me. Right. And so I just, I just went all in and I took control of what I could take control over. couldn't control what they were doing to my body. Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: but I could control my mind. And so I did everything that I could to fortify my brain to what was important to me. What can I study? What would take? What I study, I studied. Pete: Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: how to heal the mind, right? How to heal the body. I got a lot of negativity out of my life. I put more positivity into it. I did a lot of research. did like side product. I did like music therapy. I would hang out with people, joke with lot of doctors and stuff. I would hang out with friends from campus. would, anything that can put positivity into my life, I would exercise, right? So like, I remember walking around with my little, I don't know what call the thing. I have my Brobiac in my chest. I have a cable attached to this little thing I'm walking around with. And I know that 21 times around the nurse's desk is a mile. So I would do mile a day, every day. That was hard to talk about. So. Pete: Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: I had to take over whatever I could take over, right? And so I would walk around, I'd walk around a desk a mile a day, every day, focus on my mind. And what would happen was that over time, the doctor would like, I don't know why this is working. This is not supposed, this was not supposed to work, but this is working for you. I was supposed to get a bone marrow transplant. And if you know much about bone marrow transplant, what sucks is that they had to kind of wipe out your immune system and put someone else's immune system in it. Pete: Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: the problem is it rejected a lot. And so I'm ⁓ literally on the floor with people who are dying around me, right? From getting and not working out. So they had to do a stem cell extraction, right? To see if my stem cells were good. And I was So I didn't have to do that, right? We had to do surgery because I was having some complications. Surgery was great. Everything came out fine. And ⁓ it was just Pete: Yeah. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Well, we don't know what to do with this because there were like 26 cases in the US, 85 % sent mortality rate, surgery was not usually the thing that helps. It's usually the chemo that helps shrink it down, they do the surgery, but then it comes back. I've been cancer free for 26 years, I think, you know? And I was saying, so I went, so yes, I did the hospital thing, got out, I worked that summer at a summer program, went back to school next fall. Like it never happened. Pete: That's awesome. Mm-hmm. And then psychology was a major straight out from there, right? That was straight just shot out the gun. You're like, you know what? I'm going to ride this thing. Yeah, that's awesome, DeMonta Whiting: Right. And, And then the psychology was in there. And that's it. ever since then, it was just like, I'm going to write this thing out. going to figure it. I'm going to understand how people function because I need to take what I learned and I need to give it to other people because no one should have to be on a deathbed to make a decision that could change their life. My life has been, I won't say I haven't had ups and downs, but there's a stark difference between before I went in and after I got out who you're talking to, you know? And I've been leading my life versus being a passenger since then. Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, that's awesome, though. I mean, that's pretty cool, though, because you were despite the odds, man, you just kept pushing no matter what. You're like, I'm not going to let life keep me down. Forget it. If I can make this, I can do that. You you had it down to a science. You're like, this is many laps it takes for this to make it a full mile. And you were doing that every single day, regardless of what you were dealing with, which is really cool, though. And then, you know, after that, you went on to psychology. And here you are now, man, a speaker, leadership coach. You're over here working with high performing individuals, man, which is awesome though. you're like, from where you came from to where you're now, it's like, it's very humbling for a lot of people. know, like people look at you like, what do you know? Let me tell you, sit down. You got 20 minutes and a shot of whiskey. I'll tell you, you know what I'm saying? So. DeMonta Whiting: That's pretty much much. Pete: So let me ask you this though, what's some advice you have for some of the other people out there? Just some advice you can give them like, hey, listen, these are what the high achieving guys are doing. could they be doing to get to that level? ⁓ DeMonta Whiting: Well, it's, what are my advice? It's not so much about what the high achieving people are doing because it's the high achieving people that come to see me. It's more so what they're not doing, right? ⁓ People don't realize how much. Pete: Mm-hmm. Okay, okay. DeMonta Whiting: how much of what they see is their perception of things and not the reality of things. And so just because something is making you successful, okay, great. But if you're basing your success on what you see around you, but you feel nothing inside, that's not success. So you gotta fix that thing that's inside. And that's the hard part because you gotta be willing to be vulnerable. Here's it, okay. You gotta be willing to be vulnerable and that's very hard. Because vulnerable doesn't mean being tough, being able to take on 100 men. Being vulnerable means Pete: Yeah. Okay. DeMonta Whiting: telling you I'm sad right now, telling you that like, I don't know if I'm even gonna make it through this. We're talking about suicide earlier, right? ⁓ What if those people felt like they had someone who understood what they were going through, who felt like that someone gave a damn about them and their struggles, what they have gone down that path, they take a different path, right? And so you're talking about high achievers, these are people who were taught. Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: and or learned early on, don't ask me for help. Figure it out. Pete: Yeah, true. DeMonta Whiting: You know, and they've been put in unreasonable positions where they had to figure things out. And because they did, now they have unreasonable expectations that is normal for them. You know what I mean? So like, if I've been giving unrealistic expectations, why would I not have those unrealistic expectations as an adult? Pete: True, very true point, But you said it there the most, you said they're vulnerable, man. They're talking about their, telling you that they're sad and things like that. Why do you feel like most men don't talk about it? Do you feel it's just because that's how they were taught? Because the generation prior us taught us that? But I mean, at the same time, we have to think about, our were parents for the first time, so they didn't know what they were teaching us. They only knew what they were taught. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Well, I think there's a lot of components. The thing that's popping out to me right now is that in certain, in certain environments, I don't have time to teach you all this stuff. You know what I mean? So it's like in certain environments, I can't teach you how to be a man because I'm not a man. Right. In certain environments, I have to figure out how I'm going to feed all of you. I don't have time to focus on you. so since you're an expectation is often that you're a man, right? Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: So, right? And whereas if I don't wanna go on the whole like this difference between men and women, but I will say that I feel like my personal, there's a general expectation that as a man, you're going to step up some way somehow, right? That is the expectation. And so whether I teach you or not, you still have to figure it Pete: Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Whether I'm the one that teaches you or not, you still gotta figure it out, right? And so you don't have option of, well, I don't know what to do. You know what mean? I don't know how I'm supposed to make this work. And so you just. Pete: too. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: figure it out. You got to figure it out. I mean, like, you know, you do what you got to do. And some and then when you and here's the thing. So you do what you got to do. And if you do well, you attribute it to, well, you know what? Growing up that way was was was beneficial to me because it made me who I am. But the reality is maybe you could have gone so much far if you didn't have to do it by yourself. Yeah. Pete: Yeah. Very true point. Yeah, that's a good point, though. I mean, if you had help and support and things like that, too. But it's like I think that today's generation. It's it's a little misguided if you think about it, because a lot of them always look at the man to do everything. But it's like, you know, what if what if we need help, though? You know, it's like nobody worries about what we need, you know, but they want us to do everything. But then at the end of the day, when we need you, it's like, oh, well, we can't do that. You're weak because you need help. It's like, but am I really though? I'm trying to tell you is. you know, whatever person you put in that category, you is this other person that's in the relationship of whatever, you know, it's like, I need help sometimes too, you know, and, it's the hardest part is like, when we asked for that help, we get scrutinized for that. Well, you're not a man anymore because you're asking for help, but it's really not the case though. It's like, you know, we all, everybody needs help at some point, you know, but it's like, it's so demonized these days and then we're teaching the younger. No, go ahead. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Well, here's the thing though. I hear what you're saying. You're, but I feel like you're talking more on a global, on a global scale, right? I'm talking more of that may be true, but here's what I think. I think that you're primed early on from your, from your early life experience to think that way, to think that if I asked for help, I'll be screwed. Right. Because whatever you, whatever you believe will, will, will actualize. So if I think that, for example, I can't trust people, people are untrustworthy, right? Pete: Mm-hmm. Okay. DeMonta Whiting: I don't forget, I don't like learn that as a young child and forget that as an adult. I take that with me as an adult and I apply it to the world. I apply it to people that I meet. And so what you're talking about right now, I think that if I'm taught in my household that you're just supposed to figure it out, you're a man, you're supposed to, or I get scrutinized for asking questions. I will A, maybe seek out people who are similar because that's comfortable for me. B, look at, Pete: Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: the world through that lens where I see those things stand out more to me than things that are not that case, right? And so, because as you were talking, I was thinking, you need to be around some other people. was thinking like, because if I'm asking this, if I'm saying this person how I'm feeling, and this person is scrutinizing me, then fuck them. Let me go talk to this person over here, because they may not scrutinize me, right? But if I think that everyone's scrutinizing me, this person is just an example of how the whole world is. So I'm not going to ask this other person. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, no, makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. That makes perfect sense. So, you know, like I said, though, it's just, it's just, you know, to me, it's just like, I think it's very interesting how, you know, everybody wants you to be this like alpha male, but at the same time, if you can't talk about your feelings and like, how does that make you the alpha male? You know I'm saying? Like, like if you're supposed to be the top dog, because we know how men look at things in a towers type system, know, so like when you're looking at it like that, DeMonta Whiting: See what saying? Because they're all the same. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Pete: Okay, so then alpha males should be able to talk about everything. There's feelings, all these different things, but that's not the way we look at it though. You know, and I just like, me personally, I just think it's like, I think it's funny though, makes me laugh because it's like, why not just have a conversation with other people? And a lot of times, you know, what I found out from some people is that they're waiting for one person to say something. So everybody will jump into conversation. Like one guy said, for example, his fantasy football team, all the guys he had together, one, he started saying something and then everybody started saying something. You know what I mean? It's like, we're all waiting for. DeMonta Whiting: Mmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete: We're waiting for that one person to say something so we all can jump in the conversation too, you know? DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, yeah. And so, and for me it's like, I'm to be that person that says something because if I want it, I got to go. Right. And so I, it's hard to do. I think that's the, for me, maybe that's part of the vulnerability is like, I see everybody wanting to say something. I want to say something too, but I don't want to say something and then be judged by everybody else. Well, who's thinking that they're judging everybody else. I think that what am I basing it on? Right. What am I basing? I'm basing it on my experience growing up as a kid. I'm basing it on. Pete: Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. DeMonta Whiting: what it was like in elementary school, right? And so for me, it's like, all right, I know where this feeling is coming from and it's not coming from this moment right here, right now. So I'm gonna take a risk and just fuck it. And if you were in my classes in grad school, I was always the first one to raise my hand. And the professors would laugh because like, I knew you would do that. And I'm like, what do you mean? It's like, because you're, you don't mind. You don't mind being the, you don't care what other people think. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Right? They also don't realize, fuck up in cancer. What do I care about what this person thinks? You know what mean? Right. And so like, but with that too, it's like, it's interesting because you're saying like how other people would join in. Those people also want to do it. They also want to do it, but they just, they're too afraid of what the outcome could be. You know I mean? They don't know what's going to happen as they do it. And so it's easier for me to jump on some, what someone else is already doing than for me to do it myself. And so I've learned that Pete: Exactly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, be the leader, not the follower, essentially. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, so I've learned that like whether I do it or I don't, it is what it is. If I'm not doing it because I'm afraid of what this person thinks, that's on me. Cause I don't know what this person thinks. Right? So yeah. Pete: I think there's a strong message though. You don't know what people are thinking, you know? And me, I'm the same way though. just like, I don't give a fuck anymore. At this point, I'm just like, I'm just going to go do it. At this point, I'm just going for it. At this point, I'm on the internet. Everybody can see me everywhere. It's like, what do I have left? What do have left to lose at this point? Hell, you can Google and chat GPT me and I show up. So at this point, I've got nothing to lose. So I'm just going to go for full steam ahead. And anybody else that wants to come along for the ride, man, just let's go for it. You know what mean? I'm always... DeMonta Whiting: You don't know. Yeah. Good for you, Pete: there to always looking out for other people. Like sometimes you can tell whether people want to say something and it's just the way you change the conversation. like, you know, now that's why I ask people, Hey, how's your mental health? Because if you think about it, when I ask you, Hey, how are you doing? You can say, okay. And then the conversation ends. But when you ask that question, you change the way you're looking at the conversation. Sometimes it makes people want to ask you, you know what saying? Like some people want to know why, why are you asking that question? And then you just swing, well, listen, hey, I noticed you weren't, you know what I mean? You open the conversation to a whole nother level. And sometimes those people are like, DeMonta Whiting: You're this true? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete: Okay, cool. Let me tell you about it. And I think it's a lot of times you're looking for those people that understand the context of the conversation, depending on whatever it is. And we all struggle with things. whenever I close the show up, the same thing I say is always I say, one kind of act could save someone's life or you make their day. Because it's the truth though. It's like, you don't know what people go through on a daily basis. And I'm in a setting where I do my day job now is I'm constantly facing customers all the time. DeMonta Whiting: Good? Yeah. Yeah. Pete: So I'm always trying to be positive with everybody because that's just me though. That's not just me putting on an act. That's how I've always been. You know what I mean? It's like, you you don't know what everybody's going through, you know, and things like that too. And you can see like the constant repetition of the constant, you know, same thing. It's like your being consistently the same person to them. Eventually these guys will open up to you. Like there's people that are older than me that come in. I have full on conversations with them. If somebody else is up there, won't say two words to anybody else. Hey, how you doing? That's it. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pete: Me, they'll have a full on conversation. I why is the difference? And because I've earned their respect. I've earned that repetition with them. You know what mean? Like we know each other. I could ask how their families are doing. You know, things like that. No problem. And people just don't understand. It's all about that connection you're making with people. You've to earn people's trust, especially the older generation, because they were raised differently than we were. So you know, it's a respect thing. Like you're just being very polite to people and things like that, too, and all that great stuff. So I noticed the difference in the conversations, you know, and before I started this show, DeMonta Whiting: Yes. Pete: I had met a pastor and I'm not a big religious person until this point, you know, and I was talking about it, you know, and I always told him like, you know, the way I looked at religion was just because the way it was force fed me. But, you me and him were just having conversations about it. And he said, Pete, has anyone ever told you that the way you interact with people, people tend to gravitate towards you because you're just so very open and honest with them. I'm like, I'm just being me, man. Like, I don't notice it. Like, I'm just doing me. It's not a show. It's just who I am. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: And especially in the space of where I'm at now, it's like you have to have authenticity because if not, people read through that shit real quick, you know, and you got to be careful. like. You know, in the early stages of the show, I didn't really talk much about myself, but then I later on it got a lot easier. So I just woke up one day and just said, fuck it, you know, I'm just going to go for it. Why not? What do I have to lose at this point? You know, and now it's just been a great conversation every single time I hit record, man. Like I meet people like you, I meet other people, I meet people that are more successful than me. And I don't compare myself them at all. I just, I just having them on the show because it's great because it's like, you know, you're given all the success these people have. They're still people at the end of the day. And I want everybody to feel like you can come in this room. We can have a real honest conversation. I still apply to a lot of people who call, text me, Hey man, I need you to come in here. Like, like tick tock. hang a lot on a lot. got a friend, he does a podcast as well. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, right. Pete: He messaged me this morning, for example, the gentleman I was talking to this morning about it. He was like, everybody's mad at me because I was putting myself first. Why? Like, don't let these people get to you, man. You're doing the correct thing. If you can't be there for somebody, what good are you for anybody else? Put anybody in that position, a mother, a father, you know, whatever it is, you can't be, if you're not good enough for yourself, then everybody else around you, you're not going to do any good for them. And he was like, well, you know, they were texting me, getting mad because I don't answer. OK, so tell me to get over it. I don't know what to tell them. Like, don't let them. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pete: Don't let them affect what you're doing to make yourself feel better. You need to recharge. Sometimes you got to unplug. I tell people, unplug from the internet all the time. your phone, turn it off for a little bit, and try that. And just see how well it works, not answering messages. Now, obviously, if it's an emergency, answer that call. But everything else, just doesn't seem important to a certain thing. And set boundaries, too. That's the other one, too. Boundaries are the toughest one to set for most people. ⁓ you could agree to this, too. It's just like, It's hard because then you have to do it because everybody starts criticizing. Well, know, DeMonte is just being, he's being selfish. No, he's looking out for himself at the end of the day. And this is the same thing I told him this morning. It was like, you've got to look out for yourself, man. Cause at the end of the day, you know, if you're not taking care of you, who's going to take care of you? And the answer is no one. It's a scary fact, isn't it? It's like, exactly. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah. Well, nobody owes you that. Nobody owes you that. And the cool thing about this too is when you start taking care of yourself, you operate from a place of abundance. I learned this from my wife. It's like when you're always trying to take care of other people, but you're not taking care of yourself, you're operating from a place of like deficit. You're always in a negative. And so when you get frustrated, you're not understanding why. Well, because you give me something you don't really have to give. But when you're giving to yourself on a regular basis and making sure that you're good, selfish as that may seem, you actually have more to give to others. Pete: Exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: You're also like, if I have a hundred dollars in my pocket, you need a dollar. can give you a dollar. But if I have a dollar and you need a dollar, now we've got a problem because to give to you, I can't have for myself. And so I have to ask myself, why am I giving this to you when I don't have to myself? Is it because I'm being a nice person or am I being a passive person? Because do I think that like we're equals or do I think that I'm less than you? You know what I mean? And so depending on what you, depending on how you see yourself will determine how. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree. DeMonta Whiting: how all this stuff plays out, which is why it's so important to, why it's so important to prioritize your mental health and making sure that you're good up here to be able to even like, I don't know, to operate in a healthy way with other people, you know? So. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly. Because you can't give anybody something if you don't have anything. Just like you said, it was a great example there because that's what I was telling him. He's like, well, I just didn't have anything. I'm like, then just tell them. They got mad at me. OK, well, let them get mad. At the end of the day, someone's going to get pissed off by something you do. OK, that's not your problem to worry about. You're worrying about yourself and you did the right thing prioritizing yourself. Now they're making you feel bad because that's what they do. That's what some people do that to you, depending on whatever category they fit in. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: You know, we all want to keep throwing narcissists around like we know what that is, but half these people have no idea what that even term even means, you know? And it's just like they reach onto your sanity. you know, when I got in this space, I told people like my inbox is open, but don't, if I don't respond, please don't take it as I'm not, I don't see your message because I'm only one person. Like you can only do so much and I can only do so much. Like if you're reaching out to me and it's like, if I deem it a crisis situation, like, Hey, listen, I'm having thoughts about hurting. Okay. That's a message I'm going to prioritize. I can listen. Hey, what's up? Talk to me. At least, at say something. He's I'm ready with 98 ready to go on the vaccine. Like, Hey, listen, if I feel it's something I can't handle, Hey, listen, you know what? I think this is something you need to talk to somebody that's trained in these situations and just keep hammering home. Hey, call 98. These guys are praying for this thing. I am not trained in any way. I'm willing to listen to you. But at the same time, like I know where my limitations are and I'll be the first one to tell you like, Hey, listen, you need to call and talk to somebody and get some real help because I can't help you in that situation as much as I want to, you know, and that's a lot of times early on people like, go talk to Pete about everything. Like, that's great. Keep telling everybody to come talk to Pete. Pete's gonna, Pete's gonna send them where you need to. Luckily I have a whole like, in directory of just people I know that fit in different categories. If I can help you, I will reach out to one of them and say, Hey, listen, I need to get you in contact, Sonny. What's the best way to contact? You know what mean? That kind of thing. I'm constantly asking questions for other people if I can, but like there's days where I'm just like, I don't say nothing. I disappear for a bit and it's like, well, where were you? I'm just busy. I just help you. I'm busy. Cause you know what? What are you going to say to, I'm busy. I'm just been busy. I'm working on the podcast stuff or I'm working on this. You know what mean? I don't give them a chance to say anything else because you know what they're going to do is you're going to emotionally terrorize you. And I'm like, Hmm, yeah, I don't think so. don't, I don't think you're not going to win this battle with me. Cause I already know what's going to happen. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, you're right. Pete: You know, had I just been a year ago when I first started this show, OK, maybe a little bit different. want to be looking at. But now I'm a little wiser. The more people I meet, the more things I start learning from other people. I start studying things. I did a lot of self reflecting this past year and I've noticed a major change in things. I changed a lot of things around. You know, I get into a lot of different areas of things as I go, but. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, Yeah. Pete: You know, it's just like, it's so fascinating every time I get to meet people because it's like you get to learn something new from them. And I try to take away what I can from conversations with people and I apply it to other people. Like, hey, listen, have you checked out this? I got somebody this source and I talked to the day has something great that fits in your category. And that's the great thing about the show is that we're just having a conversation. I'm not sitting here drilling you with questions. And it's been a great conversation. You know what saying? Like we're just having a talk about these kind of things, you know, and it's to me, it's just like DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Pete: feel like people say we're talking about mental health, but are we really though? That's the real question I have for a lot of people. It's like, you you see all these great, you know, different posts on the internet, but it's like, watch how many people after the month stop posting about it. It's like, okay, cool. You know, but then people get mad at them. It's like, they never claimed to be an advocate, but they were posting about it. But it's like, you know, it's the whole clickbait thing. And the videos I hate that I really just don't like are the ones where, Hey, listen, I to take your life. And then it starts listing all these things. DeMonta Whiting: Sorry. Pete: just drive me absolutely crazy. like, you've never been in that situation if you're telling someone that, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, it's just the craziest thing I've ever seen. It's like, why would you tell somebody that? You know that that's how they're feeling. Why, why validate the fact that something on that list possibly is triggering them? You know I'm saying? It's like, I don't feel these are doing like, they're really not helpful. You know, or the, or those other days, like every time I see them, I just like start cringing. I'm like, Oh God, you need to just stop. You please stop putting those videos out there. They're horrible. You know, DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pete: I just can't do it, man. The internet, have a love hate relationship. It's great because I've met a lot of really cool people. At the same time, it's like you run into stuff that just drives you absolutely crazy because you're listening to people. I had a guy the other day, in fact, tell me, go back to when I was 18, because if you're depressed, he said, go back to your 18, you're in a happier place. I'm like, but how do you know at 18, half these people were even happy at that point? You know what saying? Like, like, I'm like, come on, man, you can't like, can't keep saying these kind of things and expect somebody to be like, hey, you know, that's okay. No. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. I was happy at 18. I'm gonna break. Pete: ⁓ I had to distance myself because I was like, yeah, I can't be a part of this, man. Like, I love what your motive or your nonprofit was, but what your message you're giving out to people, please stop. Like you need to quit right now. What you're telling people is incorrect information. Do a little, little bit of research. Hell, you go to Google and get more information in five seconds though, that would tell you not to say those things. But he's out there telling people that I'm like, yeah, I can't be a part of this, man. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Great. Pete: And he got mad when I blocked him and he came under another account and was like, well, why'd you block me? Because I can't be a part of what you're saying, man. Like you have to realize what you're saying doesn't align with what I'm talking about. Like you're saying these wild notions. It's like going up to somebody as the press and say, listen, cheer up. It's like that's not doing them any good. That's not even what it's about, though. It's like, you know, you're telling some people always having the anxiety attack, you know, for example, oh, calm down. It's great to tell me to just calm down, but it's really not how that works. You know, it's just. DeMonta Whiting: All right. Pete: shut it off because I want to. Cause I just decided at this moment that I just, I wanted something to trigger me. Something's triggered me at this point. Sometimes it's better just to sit there and let me just melt down. I'll feel good afterwards. I'm gonna be on my way. You know what I mean? And that's the hardest part. And the funniest thing too, it's like I was on a panel and I was the only person out of all these individuals that said, Hey, I asked them how you can help them. You know, that was the funniest thing that everybody agreed with me. said, I like what he said. Like, I'm like, OK, I get it. I get what y'all you want to give these grand gender of grandiose answers and things like that. But let's look at the end from the end of the day. Like, let's ask them how we can help them. Because a lot of times you may not know this individual. Just say, hey, listen, how can I help you better? A lot of times they know how you can help them better than most people can. And it saves you a lot of trouble. But you know, it just made me laugh a little bit because I was like, that's funny. Everybody agreed with me. At the same time, I felt validated to the point I was like, damn, everybody thinks I've been a great answer. OK, I'm like, I just kind of gave the just. Hey, why not ask them? know, like it was was funny though, man. It cracks me up, though. But it's so interesting, though, since I've been doing this. I've had a lot of opportunities to go do other stuff. done some other panels. I've done some summits things like that, too. So it's been great to get out there and talk to other people and just hear stories from people. And we've had some wild moments, including this season we're recording for now. We've had some really knee jerking moments go on in here, man. But it's like. I enjoy it though, like every day, every time I hit record, it's like a therapy session almost most of these people, cause it's like you get to talk to them about things, you have to hear their stories, people feel validated, you know, and all I'm doing is having a conversation. I'm not an expert by any means. I don't claim to be an expert. I have never claimed to be an expert. I'm just an average show who's out there wondering why we're not talking more about these things. And it's been great to see the response I get from people that just want to come on the show and have conversations with me, you know? DeMonta Whiting: Yeah. Yeah, this is awesome, And it's cool. Yeah, go ahead. Pete: So, so man, we're at, we're at the point of this show where we're gonna ask you that fun question I told you about earlier, my man. You ready for this one? This is really good. Look at you, got the eye over your eye. so ⁓ question, my question to you is that if your mental health had a song, what would you say that song would be? DeMonta Whiting: Okay. Okay. See where this goes. Pete: That's a great question, isn't it? Look at you. I know you like this one. I heard you said music earlier. I'm like, ooh, yeah, music. I'm down with music. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, well, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, health had a song. What would it be? Pete: What would you say that song would be? DeMonta Whiting: If my mental health had a song, what, see, man, you're trying to go deep with this. The song that came to my head was titanium, but at the same, yeah, titanium, that was the song. My, who was that, Sia? Sia? And I think it, yeah, yeah. I think it's because, man, so now if you were a psychologist, you'd be all over my mind now, right? ⁓ Pete: Yeah. Okay, okay, okay. That's a good one. Okay, that's good answer. Yep, I think I said this. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Because I think it's contradictory because when I think of it, I think of life as coming out of the shell, getting rid of all the barriers. But then when you talk about my favorite song, it's like, I'm like, you can't break me. You know what mean? Like, no matter what you do, I'm gonna overcome. So then that's putting the armor on. You know what I mean? And so, but that's the song. ⁓ Pete: Mm-hmm. I would have seen you say like, the tiger would have been one of them too. You could have put in that category as well. Just because the way your mind was working, it's like, you're like, all right, well, I got, I got to make 21 laps here to make a mile. And regardless of what you were dealing with, I just kind of felt that, you know, that constant. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: But that's where the titanium comes into place. That's where the titanium comes in place because I was, if you looked at me, I have pictures of back then. I was like nothing. I was like, I think I weighed like, like mid nine, like mid 90s pounds and I was like 20, 21 years old, right? I was skin and bones, right? But I just refused to go down. Like if, I'm not saying I couldn't die. It's just that wasn't going to be the day. And that was the case every single day. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't you weren't gonna allow it. Yeah. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: Yeah, yeah, that's the song we came up with. Pete: I love it. I love it, man. Like I said, your story kind of makes me feel like a good friend of ours. Dee, he runs a podcast that's called Trauma Saves. He's a boxer now, but he went through cancer as well, man. He had the same mindset. He just had that mentality like, I'm not going to let something take me out. Forget that. And now he's a boxer. He goes all over the world and does different matches and things like that. So it was really cool when heard that because that's the first thing I thought of. I'm like, damn, it's kind of like Dee a little bit, you know? DeMonta Whiting: Mm. Pete: Like you had that warrior's mindset. That's why I said, you could use eye of the tiger, technically too, because you're just that constant going. You're like, I'm not going let nobody stop me. Fuck this. I got my eye on the prize, man. I can let this thing win. So that was great, though. Like I said, that's the first entry for that one. We've had a lot of interesting answers to the question. We had Rage Against the Machine from the most unexpected person ever. That one made me laugh a little bit. Whitney Houston came up earlier today on another interview I did. DeMonta Whiting: Mmm. Yeah. Pete: I was like, that's awesome. Okay, Winnie, okay, all I like Winnie Winnie works, okay. You know, so like, you know, that's good though, okay. So my next question to you, right before we wrap up here, okay, you ready for this one? This is a real good one. If you could break the stigma about mental health. Now, when I ask you this question, I'm asking you anything that you hear on a daily basis that you just want people to stop believing, what would you say that one thing would be? DeMonta Whiting: Bye I want people to stop believing. What would that one thing be? Pete: Yeah. What would you say that one thing is? Like the one thing that just drives you crazy when you hear people go and say something, you're like, ⁓ yeah. I roll and you're like, ⁓ God, can you please just stop already? DeMonta Whiting: ⁓ well, I mean, I don't hear so much today as I used to hear back in the day. Because back in the day it was, ⁓ so you just talk to them? That was how I used to hear all the time. So it's like, you just talk to them. So that's it, right? And it's like, no, I don't just, what the hell, I wasn't in school for this many years to talk to people. Like if I want, I can talk to my friend. You know what I mean? Like this is, that's what I remember. Because it's like. This is not a six month course. I had to work for this. And because they don't see the journey, they don't see the journey prior to you even going to this field. That's the reason why you went in the field in the first place. So that's that journey. Then they don't see the journey of being in the field, right? all that that takes. And so the mind is so freaking crazy. It's crazy powerful that like, Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: You can heal the body with the mind. You know what mean? And like, you can heal, you can literally heal the body with the mind. You can create, you can create your world that you live in, right? I can have chaos all around me, but I create the world that I live in, ⁓ not Life just exists. Life is being life. I'm the with the paintbrush painting everything. And so once I realized that, Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. DeMonta Whiting: I can control everything. Literally everything. Right? Yeah. So when you have someone trained in doing that and they're good at what they do and they are helping people, it's not a fluke. This is an expertise. This is a skillset that takes a long time to develop and not anyone can do it. You're not talking to your best friend and have the conversation because your best friend is going to talk to you from their own experience. That's it. That's it. So if you're like, hey, like, she started dating this girl, your best friend is going to go, well, talk about the girl. Pete: Mm-hmm. DeMonta Whiting: Well, she treats me like this. Don't date her anymore. But they didn't resolve the issue why you dated the girl in the first place. Pete: Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I think it's a great example. I think it's a really great example. Actually, that's really great. Well, DiMonte, I wanted to welcome you so much. Thank you so much, man, for being here today, man. It was great. I enjoyed meeting you. I enjoyed having a conversation, getting your thoughts on a bunch of things like that. Before we start wrapping up, why don't you let me know where they can find you? ⁓ is the best way to get ahold of you? Socials, website, whatever you feel is the best way. Let them have it. DeMonta Whiting: Right? Oh yeah. That's, yeah, the best way to get in touch with me is www.damontaywhiting.com. That's my website. It has links to get in touch with me directly. You can see what I do, who I work with. Yeah, I think that's the good way to get to me. Yeah. And you have that link on your, your, on your thing when you put it out, right? Yeah. Pete: Mm-hmm. I like it. I like it, man. Well, thank you, It's gonna be just show descriptions will have it. Yep. The show descriptions will have everything on it and everything like that too. We'll definitely put the website in there, everything that and then we'll put some of your socials on there that way in case they want to go follow you and check out what you're up to on a daily basis, all that great stuff, you know, and things like that. Well, thank you so much for being here, man. I appreciate it. We finally got this chance to meet. It was great meeting you. I think it was, I had a great time. If you ever want to come back and have a conversation, please do welcome. You're welcome to come back and hang out anytime, man. I had a great time with you. I enjoyed it so much. All right. DeMonta Whiting: Thank you. ⁓ Pete: Alright guys, with that being said, we're gonna wrap up this episode of Pete First Anxiety. You know where to find me Pete First Anxiety on Spotify? All the way down to Panda Radio. I'm gonna excellent down to TikTok and as always, say it costs nothing, absolutely need to be kind to somebody. One kind act you can do can save someone's life or hell, you're gonna make their day. I'm Pete First Anxiety signing off saying don't ask any of days, they say hey, how's your mental health?