Latest / The Brave Becoming / Sex: Purity Culture and Misplaced Righteousness - Part 1
Transcript
- Tiana: Hi everyone, welcome back to Shaniqua: Hello. Tiana: welcome back to the Brave Becoming where we focus on grace for the process and courage for the journey. Today we are talking about sex, bodies, and the church. Honestly. Now I do want to give a disclaimer. If you have little ears around, please save this one for later. Shaniqua: Ooh, I'm looking forward to this conversation. So the title of today's conversation is Purity and Misplaced Righteousness. This is actually going to be part one of a two-part series with our guest Brittany, and then T she'll introduce Britney later on in a moment, just a moment. But we were really taking taking this approach and we really wanted to be able to have an expert to talk about purity, sex, the church. purity culture, all of those things, and then misplaced righteousness. And so one of the core questions we're looking at is when did purity get equated with righteousness? And how do we move from shame and condemnation to grace and redemption when it comes to sex? Let's talk about sex, baby. one of the things with misplaced righteousness is that we have to understand that misplaced righteousness is trusting in our own human rules. Moral performance or religious traditions instead of depending on God's grace. And there's a difference between righteousness and sanctification. Sanctification, purity is a, I guess you could say a fruit is an expression of sanctification, but it really isn't what righteousness is. Being righteous is being right with God. We talked about that in our first first episode with holy and human. So let's talk about sex, this conversation. I'm so looking forward to it. And I'll turn it over to T T to introduce our guest today. Tiana: Looking forward to this too. And I am so excited that we have Britney here with us today. Brittany is a Christian sexologist and a licensed social worker. She is the creator of the Daring Discussion Sex Talk that will bless your bedroom conversation cards. And she's also the founder of the intimacy firm. Brittany earned a bachelor's degree in psychology and master's degrees in both social work and clinical human sexuality. Working at the intersection of sexuality and faith, Brittany travels internationally, facilitating conversations around typically taboo subjects. The intimacy firm's mission is to empower individuals to discover, embrace, and navigate their sexual selves without having to compromise their values. Brittany, welcome. We are so excited to have you here. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Thank you so much, T and Speaker, for having me. I am really excited. Anytime I get to talk about my God and sex, it's a time. So I am looking forward to this conversation and this series. So thank you so much for having me. Shaniqua: Thank you for coming. I love the fact that you said anytime you get the chance to talk about God and sex, baby, because most people don't do those two things together, but Christian Sexologist Brittany: Correct. Shaniqua: we will do that today. We will Christian Sexologist Brittany: Yeah, yeah. Shaniqua: do that today. But before we get started, we always ask our guests an initial question. And just if you can just tell us really briefly, just from your personal experience, when did you know God for yourself? Not from your mama, not from your big mama, not from anything else. When did you first know and experience God for yourself? And then we'll get started in the nitty gritty. Christian Sexologist Brittany: I the last two years, July thirty-first, twenty twenty-four, I was laid off from my big girl job and I Shaniqua: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: told the Lord, I said, I don't wanna be like Israel and know you for what you do. I wanna be like Moses and know you for who you are. And baby he took he has been taking me through there to meet Shaniqua: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: him. I have met Jira Rafa Iksikanu the whole the whole crew. I'm about to met all. And to know and that's the study I'm doing this year. I'm spending the full year on the names of God and discovering what that means about his character. I started the journey doing a deep dive on what love meant because God what God is love. And so these last two years has been just that getting to know God. for for myself. Shaniqua: reading The Art of Love by Eric Frome right now and I'm halfway through it. And so I I love the fact that you started your journey off with or your or part of your journey is redef redefining and understanding what love is through the lens of God. So I love that. I love that. Okay then so first question you ready? Christian Sexologist Brittany: I'm ready, let's go. Shaniqua: Let's go. Let's jump into this. Well, this is a pretty simple question to be able to start off with, just from some foundational things. So you call yourself the Christian sexologist. How has the church responded to that name? And why do you call yourself the Christian sexologist? Where did you come up with that from? Christian Sexologist Brittany: So, the Christmas sexologists, like naming it that specifically is a fairly recent shift. I'll say over the last maybe four three or four years. I started the intimacy firm in twenty sixteen and I just hap was a sexologist who happened to be Christian and I was a sexologist who worked with Christians. But a good friend of mine Who's also a sexologist, she was her niche's parents and family, Melissa Pentor of Sex Positive Family. She's told me she said, Find your audience and speak to them. And when I recognized that I was I was struggling with like, am I supposed to give the field of sexuality God or am I supposed to give the kingdom sex? And it was at the point where I realized like for sure, like I've always said it, but when I kinda when it kinda set settled in me that this is my go you did for it, this is my great commission, this is my call that I'm go I can specifically say Christian sexologists because before I even come in the door, before I even open my mouth, my title, my credentialing is already shaking the table, it's already being light and darkness because it's starting the conversation. And people For anybody asking your question of how the church received me. It started off a little rocky in the beginning. But after I stayed the course and got clear about who I was called to, then I got then I was able to speak what, you know, not to be cheesy, but what thus says the Lord. I spent a lot of time on myth busting the first couple of years. And then the Lord said to me, like, Okay, you done did enough of what I didn't say. Now it's time for you to say what I did say. So then when people got can understand that this ain't just, you know, bildos and deep throat that I really am coming with the word, then it it can't Shaniqua: Wait, wait, I have to interrupt you because you just said dildoze and deep throat. But but that's actually the perfect segue to what my I want to take a step back. What is a sexologist, especially if you're talking about dildoze and deep throat? What is a sexologist? Christian Sexologist Brittany: So it's essentially a sexologist like any other ology, psychologist, scientologist, you know what I'm saying? It's the it's an expert in the study of sex. That's what ology is, the study of sex. So as Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: a sexologist, I am an expert or scholar in the study of human sexuality in in some facet of human sexuality. Because sexology is so huge, you to say that you're a sex expert is really like nobody can truly be. a sex expert because it's so much that falls under it. So with a Christ as a Christian sexologist, I'm an expert in the study of human sexuality as it relates to the Christian experience. Shaniqua: Okay, so it's not necessarily just like talking about different positions, how to get your rocks off, what's gonna make you feel Christian Sexologist Brittany: No, no. Shaniqua: good. It's it's it's it's more encompassing than that. Christian Sexologist Brittany: It's it's much more all in confidence. 'Cause when people hear sex, they always think the salacious, like the sexual mechanics, what goes where, how to make it last longer, how to get it harder, how to get it wetter, how to get it, you know, how to spice it up and all those things. And do I know how to do those things? Sure. But that's not the foundation of what I do. Overall, my work is to expo expose or share. God's heart for sex intimacy and relationships, of which pleasure falls under that. Sexual mechanics which would be and sexual health falls under that. Like you have to make sure if you are presenting your body as a temple and you're honoring your body as where the Holy Spirit dwells, then you wanna make sure that you're not, you know, going from from back you know, you're not wiping from back to front because that's not healthy. And you know, Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: just You you know what I'm saying? And you want to make sure that you're using Lou because you don't want to get all those commentaries and stuff, because that's not really treating your temple well. So all those fall under there. But if you don't first understand that this was God's first, if at the kingdom we don't reconcile ownership of sex, sexuality, pleasure, intimacy, all those things to God, then that's all that other stuff is irrelevant. All of those other stuff. Will fall flat. All those other things will still, you know, call up shame and guilt and those things because in the world in the kingdom we talk about sex and sexuality and different facets of it being perverted or perverse. But in order for it to have been perverted, it had to have been good first. You can't Shaniqua: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: pervert something that was already trash. Anything that belonged to the enemy already couldn't have been perverted if it was already evil. It just was evil. It is when it bec Tiana: Come on now. Christian Sexologist Brittany: when it was first good and first pure that he got his hands in it, then that's when it became perverted. But at its core, at its at creation, when he saw all that he had made and said that it was very good, sex, the body, and pleasure was abundant. Exactly. Cause Shaniqua: Sex was a part of that. Christian Sexologist Brittany: the pleasure existed before sin did. Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: So Shaniqua: That. I love that. So one of your taglines, and then I'll turn it over to T with the next question. One of your taglines that I have to put fit it in here, I love it. It's on your website, and you say it's the clip for me. Girl, when I saw that, I was like, ooh, we so Christian Sexologist Brittany: Years. Shaniqua: and I think you tie it in that that the the body, the the the human form that it is It's it's it's it's holy, it is of God, but it was the enemy that perverted it. It was the enemy that perverted sex, it was the enemy that perverted sexuality and how we think of some of these things, which tie back into purity. But going back to from a the church standpoint, why do you feel that that talking about sex, why do you feel that women's pleasure, men's pleasure makes people so nervous, specifically in the context of the church and Christianity? Christian Sexologist Brittany: Because of the curse, because Shaniqua: Mm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: of the fall. When the f when, you know, by one man Adam, sin enters the world. And when sin came, shame, guilt, condemnation, all of those things that we really sh that should have never been a part of. The human experience entered in. And if you look at Genesis 3, in all of the curse in the way that is lined out, a great portion of the curse has some sort of sexual implications. And so even when it says you're to the woman, your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you, that already shows that that that fight, that you know, that battle Shaniqua: There's a friction. Christian Sexologist Brittany: for for the head, that friction, right? And so the friction of the sexuality, the orgasm gap. All of it is the work of the devil. That's the devil, Bobby Boucher. Okay? Don't Shaniqua: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: tell me. Tiana: Brittany, I just love you. Christian Sexologist Brittany: You know what I'm saying? And so that and that's so that's the that's the core reason why. And even from its from its foundation, the fall is the reason, right? But then also if we look at the way in which we not even just believers, but humans idolize certainty. We wanna be the most right. So not only do you have the fall and sin that created these, like this source of friction and the shame and all the things. Now we're arguing about things because we want to be right. We want to make sure that the way we live, our proclivities, the things that we need grace for, are the ones that are outlined on this side. So we can always stay on the outside of right. And then the things that we don't struggle with, those are the things that we condemn and we argue and say ain't good. Because we don't wanna have to we don't have to worry about that. That's not our particular, you know, that's not our particular struggle. You know what I'm saying? And Shaniqua: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: so that is also part of it because we wanna be right. Or in most cases, we don't wanna be caught being wrong. Shaniqua: Hmm. Tiana: So Brittany, you say Jesus is your number one source, of course. So what does that look like when the science and the church's teachings seem to disagree? Christian Sexologist Brittany: This is again while I'm called of the reason why I'm called to do this work or the work it is excuse me, it is the work that I'm called to do because there shouldn't be any disagreement when science is an attempt to explain creation. When you look at Genesis one and everything that he created, there is a scientific school of study to fit, you know, to fit that. When he converted all the the the the cows and the this and the that and the other thing, there's the study of mammals that exists. There's the we to create the the grass and the trees, botany exists because of that. You know, if you're a zoologist and you study the animals, like there's a school of thought that exists to explain everything that we do, all of the systems in the body. Neurologists exist to understand the brain and the nervous system that which he created. And so the church should not be arguing or conflicting with what science says. And but the the reality of it is everything that science says may be fact or can be proven fact, but that doesn't mean that it's truth. And that's really the Shaniqua: There is Christian Sexologist Brittany: other disconnect, right? So let's take masturbation for example. is masturbation a way scientifically shown as a way that women can explore their bodies, learn what they like? be better, develop better skills at communicating their pleasure. Yes, sure. Also, is it a great source of pain relief? If pe women with endometriosis or severe cramps, can orgasms provide a little bit of dopamine to help you get to sleep when you you cramp in? Yes. Also also tr also a fact, a scientific fact that that happens. But the truth of the matter is when we're Avoiding for from sexual immorality, the truth is that's not what we're gonna do. So the science is correct, but the word is what the word is, so we don't need to battle the other two. Like we can't convince science that it's wrong is is wrong because it's not. If you don't have sex, if you don't have sex for a long time or you're not doing anything to make sure that there is a sufficient blood flow to your clitoris, you may experience clitoral clitoral atrophy. That is a fact. Shaniqua: Sorry, J. Mm-hmm. Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: But does that mean that you should be going around backing it up and dumping it and you not married? No. Shaniqua: It's hard. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Okay. Okay, you better do some squats and run. Drink you lots of water. When you shower, pull the skin back. Make sure, you know. There are ways, you know? So that's I hope that answered your question. Shaniqua: It did. And we're gonna talk about I can't know if this episode or the next one we're gonna talk about masturbation as well because T and I we were talking about masturbation is beforehand and just the view and what our thoughts on that were what our thoughts on that subject are. Be surprised. Tiana: So now we are going to jump into what the purity culture did. So we know that the purity culture really emphasized 1 Thessalonians chapter 4, verses 3 through 8. And so I do I was not raised up in a church, so I didn't follow purity culture. The most I heard was don't have sex before marriage, but there was no reason. But I have heard that some Christians who follow purity culture got married and still felt like sex was wrong. It's like it rewired how they thought about sex even inside of a covenant. So what are what are some of the things that you're seeing in your practice? Christian Sexologist Brittany: the very thing that you said and believe it or not, there are people in the church, a great number of of people I actually my dissertation study is on the sexual scripts of black Pentecostal millennials. And the men that I studied, their primary issue was that they were told don't have sex before marriage, but not told why and not shown how. Like how to navigate their, you know, Shaniqua: Their desires. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Their emotions, their desires, those arousals, erections, like you know what I'm saying? They weren't given the blueprint on how to walk this thing out. And there's a lot of ways in which we disciple believers into walking in the ways of Christ, except for when it comes to sex. Sex is the only one that's just like, don't do it. Everything else we teach stewardship, we teach, you know, when the man is no longer a liar, not when you stop lying, but when you start telling the truth. Like you know what I'm saying? We bring on a Bible study d so they can learn how to rightfully divide the word. They we we you know, we give out turkey so they can learn how to serve and you know, all those things. But sex is like a lot of parti my study was focused on millennials, but I know a lot of believers who felt like when it came to that particular aspect, they were left out on their own. And they had to figure it out Shaniqua: Like figure it out. Christian Sexologist Brittany: by themselves, which led from my study show led to a lot of hypocrisy led to a lot of like loopholes, concealment, like this duality of I was w I lived one way in the church and I was another way outside in you know in the streets. And I think that that's what purity culture, if you will, per created. Now in the black church, our purity culture wasn't the same way that the mainstream white evangelicals Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: experienced it but there were some you know some similarities but to your point it really did rewire how sex was viewed it wasn't just sex outside of marriage was sinful or sex outside of marriage didn't please god it was sex outside of marriage was evil or dirty and then by default you were dirty you were Tiana: Mm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: evil right and so when you think when you are told over and over and over again and you tarry and singing this for a long time that this is evil, this is dirty. Only certain kind of women do that. And you know, this, that, and the third. And then you go into your mar your wedding night and it's like, and now I'm supposed to just flip a switch. Or you know, like me, that you know, I can't tell nobody else's story, but I can tell my own. I've had I you know I had a few times before the altar. And I will find myself in a bathroom repenting at first because I was tore up. I love the Lord and it just tore me up. I was I was in it when I was in it. But when it was all done, Lord, put put me on the altar, bring me a nurse. Okay. Lay me out and bring me my cloth. Right. But it I that was my routine so much so that on my wedding night, I did the same thing. Because I hadn't shifted in my mind. Like it was still a part of me that felt like a little bit like and this is what purity culture does and what I To your question, what I see, it's almost like I'ma do, especially even with Mary, I'ma do it, but a part of me still feels like it's wrong. But because I'm married, God is gonna turn his back on it. If he had it his way, I wouldn't do it at all. But because I'm married and you know the whole be fruitful and multiply thing, you know, I'ma do that. And then if it is any pleasure to be had, it's for the men and not for you know the women. Women have to be willing. And available, but don't verbally want it too much, but also don't want it not enough because then the men complain about the women not initiating enough. You know? And then when they initiate it, then they complain sex is not a father's day. Give. And so all of this, you know how this all that's what it is. What purity and if I have to sum summarize it, what purity culture has done, and really what the fall has done beyond purity culture, because I'm not even gonna give that. man-made thing any that much credit. What the fall has done when it relates to sex, it has fractured our relationship with sex, which then hinders our sexual relationships. Shaniqua: All right then. We could just tie this up. I you you hit on so many things. And so, I'll talk more about my own personal testimony in a moment, but in in our next episode. But for this episode, you know, T and I we were talking and we were preparing for this. So one of the reasons I went viral last year, with my own story, testimony, whatever. I wouldn't say necessarily testimony, but My own stories because I was a virgin until I think I was 45, 46. I have to go back and do the math in my head. 45 and 46. And when I say virgin, some people be like, You were a technical virgin, because I had been experienced level of intimacy prior to then. But I always tell people that I never followed purity culture, but I did tell T when we were con having our conversation that purity culture probably influenced me a little bit. I made the decision that I made for myself about sex. In the beginning, it was tied up to my own view of of self-esteem for myself. And then it was tied into I wanted to wait to marriage. And then it was tied into I wanted to wait for love. But there's a lot of of things that are conflicted and that's in that. And I definitely agree with you that purity culture is definitely. Has been and not even as you said, the fall is definitely demonized sex when it comes to relationships, but also when it comes to gender, and women experience the purity culture and misplaced righteousness and condemnation very differently than men experience it. And it starts what God has called all of us to be holy and righteous. He's called all of us to do that. But at some point it became this badge of. Honor from a reward standpoint, or hey, I'ma get a good marriage and I'ma do these things if I wait. And so in in a manner of speaking, we put purity as an idol for ourselves. and women have paid for that throughout history more than men. And so give me a little bit of your thoughts on that of how it has been aimed in demonizing women's pleasure and girls pleasure, and just even holiness and righteousness when God was really saying this for everyone and everyone's approach Christian Sexologist Brittany: Yeah. Shaniqua: to sex. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Yeah. Well, I mean, we can't ignore the fact that the Bible was set in a patriarchal time, right? Shaniqua: Patriarchal. Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: And so women at the time weren't always regarded well. marriages was more about business and, you know, f familial lineages than it really was about love in a way that we, you know, want it now. And even pleasure and those type of conversations that just wasn't the focus at the time. even though in scripture there is license for pleasure. There's an entire book dedicated to eroticism and sexual expression. You know, and things like that. And even in Proverbs, Solomon, like, listen, you ain't gotta be out in the streets trying you wanna get busy. You ain't gotta go with the wayward women. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. May her breast Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: satisfy you always, right? And it was that way, but like may you all be ever intoxicated with her love. And that word intoxicated in Hebrew, it's closely re related to the word that we have for eroticism. And so it's like God is not like J don't just do it, do it well and enjoy it while you at it. You know what I mean? And Shaniqua: Ha ha ha Christian Sexologist Brittany: so I think that like most things, patriarchy has and patriarchalism, the isms of things, have because patriarch like a patriarchal lineage is simply just a family lineage traced through the father. There's not necessarily anything wrong with that. It's when it become like race is not a problem until it becomes an ism. You know what I mean? You know, exactly. It's so the Shaniqua: And ism oppressive systems. I call them the isms, the oppressive system, classism, Christian Sexologist Brittany: Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Shaniqua: racism. Yes, all the isms. Christian Sexologist Brittany: And so I think that purity culture has taken on that as you know, as well as another system intended to subjugate women, to control them. And then you pu pair purity with capitalism and that's why singles, conferences, books, ministries, pinky promise, Shaniqua: That I cannot stand. Christian Sexologist Brittany: all of that kind of stuff. Runs rapid and then, but Shaniqua: Ain't a single stop for it. Christian Sexologist Brittany: the thing is, even if we take it outside the church, right? Because the church is a microcosm of society. And so, yes, does the church have to be held accountable for some things? Sure, absolutely, because we are called to be better. But the church, in and of itself, is not the only system behaving this way. The church in and of itself is not the first system to start. you know, these things, you know what I'm saying? It's like if you look at capitalism now in women's bodies, why they why they're just now truly discovering the clitoris in this inner its inner workings. Why they are just, you know, why even with especially when you look at black and brown bodies, while we're just more recently getting, you know, to be able to diagnose things on black skin, black and brown skin and, you know, things like that while the Black maternal mortality rate is still at what it is because our bodies are not regarded as worth or worthy of much. And then we look at how they sell us smell goods and vaginal products and all those things that are not necessary when the body does what it's supposed to do already on its own. So you know what I'm saying? So I think that that's what patriarchy patriarchalism is the the and misogy misogyny, misogyny you are, all those things work together to what we experience in this thing called purity culture and this thing called the orgasm gap and all of those things, it is male privilege rearing its ugly head. And it gets even more compounded when you look at when you apply intersectionality to it, the more oppressive systems you interact with, the worse it gets. Shaniqua: Agreed, agreed, agreed. I love this. You are speaking my jam. I love it. I love it. I love it. So one of the things that again, Because one of the our our concept from the Brave Becoming is we're talking about the in-between the journey of spiritual formation for many people. And one of the things that we've seen in what you've even talked about is the the the the after effect of the purity culture and how it has impacted relationships, how it has impacted people's sexuality, their sex, their their their their inner condemnation. And for me, because I Am a minister, I I look at that also from a misplaced righteousness standpoint. that again, we trust more in our own human rules and moral performance than what we are actually trusting in God that we're trying to be created and made over in his image. And one of the things that this whole conversation I think reminds me of is that Especially with the idea and the concept of purity culture and hey, you must be a virgin, you must be this because it's assigning worth to an individual if you have that, specifically when it comes to women, is that I think it's tied to what we see with the Pharisees when it's tied to religious traditions, that they became so focused on of of of traditions and what they saw and what they thought it should be that they couldn't see Christ standing right before them. And I think that that same thing can be applied to this particular cultural aspect when it comes to sex is that we become so critical of the sin of sex outside of marriage. We become so critical of sexual immorality that we forget the humanity of the sinner, that we demonize women and men when it comes to sex and acts of sex, and we forget to extend the grace of the grace of Christ. And so, What are your thoughts as far as the grace of God, the grace of Christ? Because we've talked about some of the things when it comes to sex, but bringing it back to spiritual formation, what are some of the things that you wish the people that you've worked with or if you could tell them anything about God's grace and sex, what are some of those things that what would it be? Christian Sexologist Brittany: Interestingly enough, I've thought about I've been thinking about this, or that's a really good good question because I fear that particularly when it comes to sex, but really just sin in general, we have overcorrected. I think that we rear especially millennials like a little or Gen course, Gen X, we were like In that fire and brimstone for that you must die, type of like how we was so scared of our own shadow type of thing, which then led to rebellion, and then now grace as of late in some spaces has been promoted as permission. Right. Shaniqua: Mm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: And so I think that what I would say is God's grace, He delights in extending his grace and his mercy. Towards us. His grace and mercy is a inextricable part of his character. His grace and mercy is why is the fact that we can live and breathe and move and have our beings, the fact that we have access to eternal life and all of those things. Yes, his grace is there. And yes, whatever it is that you have done, could do, could think about what's happened to you, all of those things was accounted for. On the call. Yes. However, Shaniqua: I'm a butt. Christian Sexologist Brittany: You know, in the already, but not yet. Yes, see the cross already. The not yet until he comes again. Sanctification still requires us to not bastardize grace and not offer cheap grace that, don't worry about it. God will forgive you. Yes, he will, but you should still worry about, not worry and carry and be condemned, but love him enough, as his word says, to keep his commandments. Love him enough to admit that you have this struggle. Because the thing is, if you keep saying, All right, Lord, you get me out of this one, I'm never Shaniqua: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: gonna do it again. You're gonna do it again, and here's how I know you're gonna do it again, huh? Exactly, Shaniqua: Never's the next day. I said never's the next day. Two days later. Christian Sexologist Brittany: exactly, and you're gonna do it again because you think you're trying to accomplish it by your own strength. The beauty of God's grace is that anything that He requires us to do, to give, to offer, to surrender, to pick up, to put down, He helps us to do. There is nothing that God is requiring of you that you have to do on your own. It is by His grace that we can comply with that what saith the Lord. And when you try to do things like we try so much because again, this is another, you know. Way that the enemy has succeeded a bit is that we keep sex in a closet up on the shelf off somewhere. That this is the part of us, these struggles that we can't bring to the Lord unless we fall out on the thing. And then here's the problem again with the the this I what I'm calling a discipleship deficit in the church is that we real good at deliverance, but not discipleship. Because Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: once you cast Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: out that demon. Once you purge on that altar and then you get up, what Shaniqua: You gotta walk it out. Christian Sexologist Brittany: how do you walk it out? Because Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: you purged the demon, you've purged the the that soul tie, you purge the thing, but the temptation didn't go away. We still live in an overly sexualized world when they use breasts to sell French fries. Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: We still live in an overly sexualized world when you don't even have to be following something, and Instagram will say, you know, will suggest something. You know, you open something in your fringo, you stand near a phone or stand near somebody who got something crazy on their phone somehow, or you near a conversation about something, somehow they wind up on your phone. So you don't even have to be looking for the porn for it to find you. Shaniqua: You don't. It's everywhere. Christian Sexologist Brittany: You you know what I'm saying? So his grace so his grace is there, but as the word also says, shall we continue and sin that grace may abound? God forbid. So what I would give you is true thank the Lord and worship him for his grace, but love him enough not to abuse it. Tiana: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Because when we repent, repentance is turning away. Repentance is turning yes. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Huh? Change of mind, resulting in a change of behavior. Okay? If my people Shaniqua: Yeah. Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: who are called by my name should humble themselves and pray, seek my face, turn from their Shaniqua: Wait. Christian Sexologist Brittany: wicked way. Then Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: I will hear from heaven and heal her. Shaniqua: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: We Tiana: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: we wanna we wanna we wanna say the thing. We wanna Shaniqua: But not do the thing. Christian Sexologist Brittany: cry out. We don't want to turn. We don't like the turn. Tiana: Mm mm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: That's it. Tiana: Nobody likes to turn. Shaniqua: You preaching to us Christian Sexologist Brittany: And we is me. And I and 'cause I'm not telling you what I heard. Shaniqua: today. We is us. Christian Sexologist Brittany: baby, I'm telling you what I know, Tiana: Let's Christian Sexologist Brittany: honey. I have I Shaniqua: We is us. Christian Sexologist Brittany: have laid things down on the altar and packed that thing back in my book bag and took it right back onto my seat, okay? Tiana: Ooh we Christian Sexologist Brittany: But go ahead. Sorry. Tiana: Ha ha But yes, I agree. I agree with all that. So as we're talking about this, as we're talking about turning away and having more reverence for God in this journey, how can Christians unlearn the harmful messages about sex while still honoring their faith? Christian Sexologist Brittany: That's really good. I think that the the unlearning starts with asking the questions, right? Like I think that because that's the other part that comes with shame is when we don't know something, that bit of confusion can sometimes be embarrassing. And we don't, especially after we've reached a certain age, had a certain amount of experiences, certain amount of partner. We don't want to say, I don't know. We don't want to say Is this true? Like, you know what I'm saying? And we don't want to ask the questions to the people that we live and do community and do life with. And so I think that that's the first thing is even for yourself, write out all the questions that you have about sex, all the myths you think, all of those like pet kind of assertions that you've had about sex all your life. And then sit with somebody who you trust and ask them. Is this true? Particularly as it relates to sex and scripture. And then when they say, yes, it's true, no, it's trying to show me where this is in the word. And then when they show you where it is in the word, then you take that where they gave, what they showed you back to your own house and your own devotional time, and then say, Holy Spirit, this is what this is a question that I had. This is something I'm confused about. This is what my pastor, this is what my you know, Bible study teacher said. What revelation do you have here for me? And then do the studying for yourself. If it's medically related, ask your doctor. Matter of fact, before we ask the doctor, go to the doctor. Shaniqua: Ha ha Christian Sexologist Brittany: Huh? Use that Tiana: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: PTO that's collecting and y'all collecting it. You y'all just bra I honey, the way people brag about having seven weeks of PTO, whenever I honey. Shaniqua: Never happened to me. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Okay. Tiana: Never. Christian Sexologist Brittany: I get alerts. When I was at my job, they used to alert Brittany, you running low on the PTO. Honey, Shaniqua: Ha ha ha. Christian Sexologist Brittany: I the way I would have three hours of PTO, three hours of six time, and blends it, I'm taking every cent. When I leave that job, you're not about to cut me no check. Don't cut me no check. 'Cause matter of fact, let me hurry up and leave 'cause I think I owe y'all. That's the first thing. That's why y'all not orgasming because y'all not using your PTO. Shaniqua: You're not you you try you not you trying to roll it over and bank it for what? Cause tomorrow is not promised. You wanna take that? I'm leaving a vacation. Christian Sexologist Brittany: okay. Imagine that's poor that's poor stewardship, Tiana: Is not Christian Sexologist Brittany: if you ask me. Tiana: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: That's like people who use their tax return as a savings account. Now put that thing up on two dependents. Let the people take you okay, you need you have bills today. You can't wait to March. You have you have bills in February. Tiana: It's it's Christian Sexologist Brittany: Okay, here nor there, here nor there, here nor there. But that's what I would say. You have peop whoever is in your community, whoever you're doing life with, whether it's spiritual, whether it's medical, whether it's familial, right? Because a lot of us got stuff going on in our families that Shaniqua: Mm-hmm. Christian Sexologist Brittany: we refuse to ask questions about. Right? That's the first in sexual therapy. There's a model called the Plicit Model. And one of the first that the P L I S S I T and one of the first. Steps is permission giving, right? So I give you permission to be curious. That's the first thing. And then after with that curiosity, then I next give you permission to be courageous enough to seek the information. And if the person that you trust, you believe, who you follow, is going, you're going to them and they're pushing away. Not if they don't have the information, because that's not that's nothing wrong with that. Y'all can go figure it out together. But if they're pushing back, then that's that's something for you to to Think about. Like this is a this is a question I have, but you can't seem to you don't seem willing to guide me. Yeah, that's that's telling something. You know, that's telling as well. And then, you know, use that good Google, not AI, because AI be lying. Okay. Now Claude Shaniqua: It can lie. It hallucinates. Christian Sexologist Brittany: be giving citations. So, you know, check your sources. Shaniqua: Maybe I s I have set my cloud up. It will not lie. It'll be like you I cannot guesstimate. So I I said it up specifically. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Yes, I that's what I said. I said, don't tell me and listen, if I ever anything that I'm about to ask you when it comes to this doctoral work, if I'm if I'm crossing over into an ethics violation, shut it down. And Shaniqua: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: I've asked the question, he would like, I know I can see why you would ask that. But a Shaniqua: But Christian Sexologist Brittany: w according to the guidelines we set, you're gonna have to figure that one out on your own. I said, you raggedy. Tiana: Yeah. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Anyway, but but but get curious. There but we're living a we live in a very information rich age. And so at this point life, respectfully, if you are ignorant of a thing, you wanna be. You wanna be. Now, and this is not being, you know, ableist. I understand that there are learning deficits and there are like like limit barriers to accessor information and things, you know, things like that. However, however you get your information, however you receive education, however information is provided to you in whatever medium. there is at least an initial outlet for the questions that you have. So Shaniqua: Quick, I have a quick because I know we're about to wrap up this this first segment. I have a quick question that I want to ask because we do live in such an information-rich age, but not all of the information is good, not all of the information is godly, not all of the information Christian Sexologist Brittany: Correct. Correct. Correct. Shaniqua: is factual, truth, and correct. And so within the confines, especially in the the age of social media, Instagram, and we see so many different things. So when the confines of of sex, not even necessarily purity, but of sex, what are some of the things that you wish that our audience would know within sex overall, and we'll talk about the church as well, but really when it comes to that, what are some of the things that you wish they would know? Christian Sexologist Brittany: I don't know, like I guess some of the like common like myths that I think that are still running around today, even though I'm like still in the year of our Lord twenty twenty six, like you know, your first time doesn't have to hurt. You know, the hymen is not indicative of anything. Okay, you know Shaniqua: For virginity. Baby, 'cause let me tell you something. At forty five, my hymen was gone through multiple surgeries, Christian Sexologist Brittany: Okay, okay. Shaniqua: through multiple doctor's appointments, but there was enough there left. That's too much information. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Exactly. Exactly. Listen, like listen, you even if you're not women, even if you're not having sex, please go to the gynecologist. Shaniqua: Yes. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Get still get your pap smear, even if you're not having sex. Lube, it you know, you're not winning any Olympics, any WAP Olympics because you get so juicy hoosy. Use lube. Okay. Like use lube and more lube. For those of us who are getting up there towards perimenopause and menopause, there's a difference between vaginal lubrication and vaginal moisturizing. Moisturizing is like what the lotion is not lotion, but just how we lotion our legs. We need the Shaniqua: Keep there. Christian Sexologist Brittany: moisturizer for the external vulva because that you know to help. And then the lubrication is for the inside. Soap is for the outside, ladies. Not the inside. You know? This is the you know, stuff stuff like that. Be Shaniqua: Love it. Christian Sexologist Brittany: you know, we wanna be well. We wanna be sexually well as believers. Even if you're not sexually Shaniqua: sexually well as believer. Christian Sexologist Brittany: active. Shaniqua: think that's a I love that. We want to be sexually well as believers even if we're not sexually active. Because sex is it's more than just an act of I I wanna say act of intimacy, but in intimacy don't have to be in sex. Christian Sexologist Brittany: It's more than just pi penis and vagina penetration. Sex and then there's sexuality. Shaniqua: Yeah. And void of penetration. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Like as a good friend of mine, Dr. Lex, she says, sexuality is more than just the first three letters. And that's what I really want believers to to embrace. Shaniqua: Embrace. Okay. So we have some one sentence takeaways. What would your takeaway be, T, that you want to be able to share? And then I'll ask Brittany and then I'll I'll wrap it up and everything. What would be one of your takeaways? Tiana: that we should be more honest about these conversations. It's nothing wrong with it. God created it. It's a good thing. So we should be able to talk about it and not feel shame surrounding it. Shaniqua: I love that. I love that. What would be one of your takeaways, Brittany? Christian Sexologist Brittany: embrace grace, don't abuse it. Shaniqua: Mm, embrace grace, don't abuse it. I love that. I love that. What will one of my takeaways from this conversation be? I go with what you just said at the at the very end that sex and sexuality is more than the three the the the first three letters of the word. It's so much more than that. It's sexual health, it's sexual how you you think about sex, view sex. I I'll definitely I'll I'll go with that. I think sex is just more than or sexuality, sex health education is just more than those first three letters of sex. So let me go ahead and close us out. Thank you so much for joining us for the First segment of this episode with Brittany, where we were talking about purity culture and misplaced righteousness. Misplaced righteousness because there's a difference between righteous and sanctification. We are right with Christ because of Christ. Nothing to do with us and nothing to do with what we've done or what we earned. Sanctification, purity, our our sexual health and our approach to sex is something that we walk out. when it comes to our discipleship, when it comes to how we're modeling Christ. And so Brittany, tell us some of the ways of w I I know your your your your information, but tell us how people can follow you, your website, get in contact with you about your podcast, all of that. Christian Sexologist Brittany: Yeah, so I am at my website is what you can always reach me at is www. dot the intimacyfirm dot com. and then you can get to my email through there, admin at the intimacy firm dot com as well. I'm on YouTube, at the Christian Sexologist where my podcast during discussions can be found. We're on Hiades right now until twenty twenty seven. we can come back likely on Valentine's Day twenty twenty seven is when we'll be back. and I also have my social media, my Instagram, which is at Christian Sexologist Britney. I am currently on a social media consecration. I'm not sure when this episode will be out, but in December until I defend my dissertation, which I'm praying will be by December sometime. so depending on when this episode is out, I'm not on Instagram but you can always reach me through my website. Shaniqua: Brittany, we were quick. This episode is gonna be live this week and next week for the following. Yes. Christian Sexologist Brittany: okay. Well yeah. So if you need to reach me then, admin at the intimacyfirm.com or just anything via the website. you want to schedule a coaching conference because I do offer coaching for couples and individuals. I love coaching women, even single women who are trying to build sexual confidence without crossing lines and boundaries, especially in these raggedy dating streets. if you want to do a consultation or consider coaching with me. You can do all of that through my website, the intimacyfarm. Shaniqua: So next week we are going to talk to Britney again. She's gonna stay with us actually, and we're gonna be talking sex and single in the church. We also talk about some married things, but really basically sex in the church. Baby, we're gonna go deep into this. talk about desire, soul ties. She said it earlier, and I was like, ooh, save it for the next part. We're gonna talk about soul Christian Sexologist Brittany: Mm-hmm. Shaniqua: ties, masturbation, and what singles as well as married actually need from the church when it comes to sex. Lord, thank you so much for just this conversation, Father God. Thank you for your grace and your mercy that just continues to abound, Lord. We thank you that you made sex. And that sex, Father God, is not a sin, Lord, that sex is something that is of you, Lord. It is an expression of intimacy, Father God, that you have created for both man and woman. And so, Lord, we thank you for sex. We thank you for pleasure. We thank you for intimacy. We thank you, Father, that you have continued, Father God, to just Reveal yourself to us even in the most physical ways, that there is no shame, that there is no condemnation. We thank you, Father God, for this conversation and that those who have heard this conversation, Lord, that they will take something from it and know, Father God, that there is no condemnation and that there is only grace to you. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.