Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / The best way to heal from a Narcissist

Transcript

The best way to heal from a Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful people?
• 0:02
  Today we're going to be talking about one of the best ways to
• 0:05
  help you heal from a toxic, narcissistic relationship.
• 0:09
  It's called Radical acceptance. If you new here, my name is Lee
• 0:12
  Hammock. I'm a clinically diagnosed
• 0:13
  narcissist. And welcome to another episode
• 0:15
  of the Narcissist Code. So, boom.
• 0:34
  Welcome back, folks. Welcome back.
• 0:35
  Welcome back. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 0:38
  Radical acceptance from toxic narcissistic people.
• 0:42
  Not no. Not trying to get them to accept
• 0:45
  you, but for you to accept certain certain aspects.
• 0:49
  If you don't know what radical acceptance is like, Doctor
• 0:51
  Romney brought it up in her book It's Not You, which you should
• 0:55
  go get if you haven't. It's an amazing book about
• 0:57
  healing from narcissistic relationships, whether you're in
• 0:59
  it or out of it. It's a it's it's a great book.
• 1:03
  But radical acceptance is it's it's pretty much accepting the
• 1:08
  things that you cannot change. Like there are aspects of our
• 1:13
  lives that are in these relationships that you have no
• 1:16
  power over, that you have no power, no control over certain
• 1:20
  aspects and certain dynamics of these relationships, right, Of
• 1:23
  how these relationships work or how they're going to work or how
• 1:26
  they are working. Right.
• 1:29
  That's the idea behind radical acceptance.
• 1:33
  It's like radical acceptance is accepting that this person that
• 1:36
  you're with is not going to change.
• 1:39
  Because if you dig deeper into the meaning, the meaning of
• 1:42
  radical acceptance, it's pretty much saying, hey, look, they
• 1:47
  they they say that suffering comes from holding on to pain.
• 1:51
  And like pain comes from holding on to things that you cannot
• 1:55
  control. Like you're holding out hope.
• 1:56
  Letting go of the hope that this person is going to change.
• 2:00
  Letting go of the hope that this relationship is going to get any
• 2:03
  better. Letting go of the hope, that
• 2:05
  something about let not even the hope.
• 2:07
  Letting go of the idea that you can change something about
• 2:11
  yourself to make this person treat you better.
• 2:15
  The idea, the notion that there's something wrong with you
• 2:19
  innately that makes this person treat you a certain type of way.
• 2:22
  Something is wrong with you that makes this person cheat on you.
• 2:26
  Something is wrong with you to make this person beat on you.
• 2:28
  Something is wrong with you to make this person devalue you and
• 2:32
  treat you like a second, third, 4th class citizen.
• 2:36
  Something is wrong with you. The fact that they hold love
• 2:38
  away from you, letting go of the notion that there's nothing
• 2:41
  about you that's wrong, there's not like accept radical
• 2:45
  acceptance is, well, radical self acceptance too.
• 2:49
  Accepting you, looking in the mirror and liking the person
• 2:53
  that's looking back at you, like, hey, look, there's certain
• 2:55
  things about me I can't change, You know?
• 2:57
  There's certain things I can change.
• 2:58
  I can change my hair. I can change my hair, a little
• 3:01
  beard, I can change my teeth. I can change my, yeah, I can
• 3:03
  change a few different things about myself.
• 3:05
  I can't change my skin color. I can't change my eye color
• 3:07
  unless I go get some type of surgery, some kind of craziness,
• 3:10
  you know? There's certain things that I
• 3:12
  cannot change. I cannot change how I was
• 3:14
  raised. I cannot change the stuff that I
• 3:16
  went through that's third. I can't change that, but I can
• 3:21
  change how I deal with it. Self acceptance.
• 3:25
  Radical acceptance. Like accepting this, that this
• 3:27
  toxic, narcissistic person, Yes, they might have been hurt in
• 3:31
  their childhood. Yes, they might have experienced
• 3:33
  some type of trauma and their trauma sucks.
• 3:35
  And this is not me trying to minimize their trauma at all.
• 3:37
  It sucks. But what they went through, does
• 3:42
  it mean that they get to treat you in a certain type of way?
• 3:44
  Hey, they were abused. Hey Lee, they were abused as a
• 3:46
  kid. So that's why they abused me.
• 3:48
  But they don't get to hit you or hurt you or lie to you or cheat
• 3:52
  on you because because they were hurt in their childhood, they
• 3:56
  were hurt in their youth, They don't get to do that.
• 4:00
  So accepting the things right here, y'all, like I said, it's
• 4:03
  it's accepting that you cannot change what has happened in this
• 4:06
  relationship. You cannot change what is, what
• 4:08
  has transpired. You can't do that, you know.
• 4:11
  So whether you are in it, whether you are trying to leave
• 4:14
  the relationship or trying to get out of the relationship,
• 4:17
  accepting the fact that there's certain that you can't change
• 4:20
  what has happened in the past, what are you?
• 4:22
  What are you in control of though?
• 4:24
  What are you in control of? You can't change what happened
• 4:27
  in the past. But you the fact that you can't,
• 4:30
  that you are accepting that you can't change the things in the
• 4:32
  past means that you you can look forward to the future and
• 4:36
  understand that there's certain things that you can change,
• 4:39
  certain things that you do have power over, certain aspects of
• 4:42
  certain aspects of things that you are like say that you are
• 4:45
  absolutely in control of. Radical acceptance helps you
• 4:50
  heal. It helps you take a deep breath.
• 4:52
  It doesn't make the pain go away.
• 4:54
  It just doesn't doesn't allow the pain that you're
• 4:56
  experiencing to turn into suffering because you suffer.
• 4:59
  When you linger in pain, you suffer.
• 5:02
  That's where the suffering comes from.
• 5:04
  If you like I said, the pain of this toxic relationship, the
• 5:06
  pain of this person treating you in a certain type of way, if you
• 5:08
  linger in it longer, it becomes suffering.
• 5:11
  Most people in relationships with narcissists are suffering
• 5:17
  most. As I said, most not everybody's
• 5:19
  relationship is going to be the same.
• 5:20
  They're varying degrees of narcissism.
• 5:22
  They're varying degrees of this personality disorder.
• 5:25
  So most people are suffering though you are.
• 5:29
  Yeah. Yeah, it might have started off
• 5:31
  on a good note. It might have started off as
• 5:33
  happiness and contentment. But what is it now?
• 5:36
  Check in right now. You can't change the past.
• 5:39
  You cannot. Like this One thing is out of
• 5:41
  our control. Time travel does not exist,
• 5:44
  right? Relationship time travel
• 5:46
  definitely does not exist. But guess what?
• 5:47
  Guess who's trying to get you to change the past?
• 5:49
  If you get over it, forget it. Narcissistic people want you to
• 5:52
  accept things, but on their terms.
• 5:55
  See, that's rattle. It's negative acceptance right
• 5:57
  there. That's that's forced acceptance.
• 6:00
  There's not rattle. Who's there's not radical
• 6:01
  acceptance right there. They want you to accept the
• 6:03
  things that they did to you and make you feel like you deserved
• 6:05
  it. You deserve the things that
• 6:07
  happened to you. Accept it because it's your
• 6:10
  fault. Accept it because you did it to
• 6:12
  yourself. Accept it because the I'm going
• 6:14
  to put the blame on to you. That's different than you self
• 6:17
  accepting which is like, hey look, I can't change this
• 6:19
  person. I can't change what has happened
• 6:21
  in the past. But do you know what I can
• 6:22
  change? I can change how I react to this
• 6:24
  person. I can change how I'm going to
• 6:26
  react going forward. Yeah, I can't change the fact
• 6:28
  that I broke no contact yesterday.
• 6:30
  But guess what I can do today? I can restart no contact and I
• 6:33
  can change the fact I can not contact this person again.
• 6:36
  I can't change the fact that I gave this person a reaction.
• 6:39
  I knew that they were trying to attribute me on purpose and I
• 6:41
  reacted. I can't change the fact that I
• 6:43
  reacted. What I can change is that I
• 6:46
  won't do it again. That's audio control in the
• 6:48
  past. Y'all the things that in the
• 6:50
  past are audio control. You have to accept it is for
• 6:53
  what it is right now. Except like if you want to stay
• 6:55
  in a toxic relationship again, y'all.
• 6:57
  If you want to stay in a relationship with this person,
• 6:59
  you have to accept them for who they are.
• 7:01
  If they don't because they're not going to change, that's one
• 7:04
  of the things right there that hits people with the hardest,
• 7:06
  with this self acceptance, with the radical acceptance part of
• 7:08
  it, because you have to accept them for who they are, believe
• 7:12
  they hit me, they abused me. Y'all I'm just telling you, you
• 7:15
  can call the police. That's what they you can't.
• 7:16
  Yeah, you didn't call the police before.
• 7:17
  You can call the police now. You can hold them.
• 7:19
  You can start holding them accountable for the the things
• 7:21
  they've done, things they do, you know, But I said you have to
• 7:25
  accept this person. I'm not telling you have to
• 7:26
  accept abuse shot. That's what I'm I'm just what
• 7:29
  I'm trying to tell you, you have to attempt the abuse.
• 7:30
  You have to accept the beating. He don't know.
• 7:32
  That's all I'm trying to say. I know it might sound like that.
• 7:34
  That's not what I'm trying to say.
• 7:35
  What I'm trying to say is the fact that this person, you have
• 7:38
  to accept the fact that this person is not going to change
• 7:41
  their ways. That's the point.
• 7:43
  I'm trying to convey to you that this person, this narcissist,
• 7:46
  this toxic person, whatever is not going to change who they are
• 7:50
  at their functional, foundational level.
• 7:52
  They are horrible people. They are toxic people.
• 7:55
  Yes, they might be broken. Yes, they might experience some
• 7:57
  type of trauma, but they are broken people and you do not
• 7:59
  have the tools to fix them. A lot of them don't have the
• 8:03
  tools to fix them, and a lot of them are not trying to locate
• 8:05
  the tools. A lot of them are not trying to
• 8:08
  find the tools to fix themselves.
• 8:10
  A lot of them are not trying to go through that type of stuff
• 8:12
  right there. A lot of them are enjoying what
• 8:15
  they're going through. A lot of them are enjoying their
• 8:18
  experiences. That's what a lot of people go
• 8:20
  through right there. Like you have to accept the
• 8:23
  things that you cannot change about this relationship.
• 8:26
  The things you cannot change the things, but you can change
• 8:29
  certain things. Y'all you can change.
• 8:30
  Not giving them too much energy. You can change how you how you
• 8:33
  communicate with them. You can start grey rocking or
• 8:35
  yellow rocking this person if you don't know what yellow
• 8:38
  rocking is and grey rocking y'all is this, is this for a
• 8:42
  whole another video. But grey rocking is removing the
• 8:44
  emotional reactions that they are trying to get from you.
• 8:47
  Yellow rocking is adding a little bit of more emotion, like
• 8:50
  a little a layer of warmth. You can Google, I've done videos
• 8:53
  about them before. You can just search Lee Hammock,
• 8:55
  Grey Rock, Lee Hammock, Yellow Rock and something will pop up.
• 8:59
  But that happens. Like you can change how you
• 9:01
  communicate with this person. You can change.
• 9:03
  Like I said, if the Co parent, if you Co parent with this
• 9:05
  person, you have to accept, yeah, you can't change that this
• 9:08
  person is the father or the mother of your child.
• 9:10
  That's out of your power. You can't change that.
• 9:13
  What you can change is the energy that you're giving to
• 9:16
  them. Yeah, exactly.
• 9:17
  It's yeah, it's still going to be painful.
• 9:18
  It's still be painful during this interaction, they still
• 9:20
  they they still might say or do some hurtful stuff.
• 9:23
  But you that's outside of your control.
• 9:25
  What they say it is. Control the controllables.
• 9:31
  Control the controllables. I you know what I say, it's like
• 9:34
  a catch 22 In these situations, you're damned if you do and
• 9:37
  you're damned if you don't sometimes.
• 9:38
  So choose the damned that you can live with.
• 9:41
  Choose the damned that benefits you the most.
• 9:44
  Choose the damned that you can thrive with and you can survive
• 9:47
  with this. So that's what I'm trying to
• 9:49
  that's the point. I'm trying to convey to y'all
• 9:51
  like narcissistic people, y'all are not looking to, they're not
• 9:54
  looking to to code anything with you.
• 9:56
  They're not looking to Co parent or cooperate with you.
• 9:59
  You have to accept that, look up, look up parallel parenting,
• 10:03
  you know, because they're trying to counter parent you like self
• 10:06
  acceptance. Like this is your baby Mama.
• 10:08
  This is your baby daddy. This is your ex-husband.
• 10:10
  This is your ex-wife. You know.
• 10:12
  This is the father or the mother of your kids.
• 10:14
  This is your mom or this is your dad.
• 10:16
  It doesn't always have to be an intimate relationship.
• 10:18
  This could be your parent accepting that.
• 10:20
  Your mom might have been traumatized as a child and she
• 10:23
  might be a horrible person right now.
• 10:25
  She might be a broken adult. You can accept.
• 10:27
  You can accept the fact that she is who she is because you can't
• 10:30
  control who she is. The only thing you can control
• 10:32
  is how you communicate with this person, or if you communicate at
• 10:35
  all, how much you communicate with this person.
• 10:37
  You see. Accepting the things that you
• 10:39
  cannot change help benefit you the most.
• 10:42
  Because you know at the end of the day, if you, it strengthens
• 10:46
  you, it strengthens your resolve to help and helps empower you at
• 10:50
  the end of the day to be as strong as you possibly can in a
• 10:52
  lot of these situations. So you have to empower yourself.
• 10:56
  You have to be as strong as you possibly can because that's how
• 10:59
  narcissistic people work out. That's the inner workings of the
• 11:02
  narcissist mind. It really is so radical
• 11:06
  acceptance. Not just accepting the things
• 11:07
  you can and cannot change about them in this relationship, in
• 11:10
  the things in your life, but accepting the things about you
• 11:13
  that you cannot change acceptance.
• 11:16
  Radical acceptance is a powerful dynamic.
• 11:18
  Like so you can read more about it in Doctor Romney's book.
• 11:21
  It's Not you. There's a lot going on.
• 11:24
  Y'all. So if you haven't already,
• 11:27
  subscribe to the channel. Thank you so much for tuning in
• 11:30
  and tuning. This is out Peace.
• 11:31
  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 11:33
  I am extremely grateful for you have no idea.
• 11:36
  If you haven't already, make sure you go ahead and subscribe
• 11:38
  to the channel, help us reach more people and click on the
• 11:40
  screen to watch another video or to browse through another
• 11:42
  playlist. There's also a link on the
• 11:44
  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 11:47
  you heal and understand what you've been through.
• 11:49
  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
• 11:51
  video. Peace.