Latest / Regretful Parents / "I Seem To Disappear A Little More Day After Day"

Transcript

"I Seem To Disappear A Little More Day After Day" · Regretful Parents

0:00
Speaker 1: Thanks for tuning in to another Regretful Parents. I'm Erica,
0:03
Speaker 1: and I am here today with author and all-around good person,
0:07
Speaker 1: Gabby Moss, who has been on our podcast, Dinky, before
0:12
Speaker 1: and is here to promote a new book, Midlife Plot Twist.
0:18
Speaker 1: Midlife Plot Twist is packed with honest, insightful, and deeply
0:21
Speaker 1: relatable advice for anyone who has reached that middle point
0:25
Speaker 1: of life. Gabby, welcome to the show. Thank you for
0:29
Speaker 1: having me. I'm like, that description is so professional. It
0:32
Speaker 1: sounds like it's about a book written by someone who
0:35
Speaker 1: does not have a picture of an angry dog wearing
0:37
Speaker 1: a sleep mask in their office. Tell me a little
0:40
Speaker 1: bit about the origins of this book. Where did it
0:42
Speaker 1: come from?
0:43
Speaker 2: Well, it's funny in the blurb and, you know, in general,
0:46
Speaker 2: we're like, it's not about midlife crises. It did come
0:49
Speaker 2: out of my midlife crisis, which I am comfortable calling
0:52
Speaker 2: a fucking midlife crisis. In my late 30s, early 40s,
0:57
Speaker 2: I was just like, you know, what.
1:00
Speaker 1: Is my life?
1:01
Speaker 2: I made all these decisions in my career to, like,
1:05
Speaker 2: I don't know, impress people who don't exist.
1:07
Speaker 1: Like, what am I doing? Who am I?
1:09
Speaker 2: What do I even believe in? My friend Lindsay was
1:11
Speaker 2: going through something similar. And so we kind of created
1:15
Speaker 2: a survey to sort of take the temperature of other
1:19
Speaker 2: women in our shoes. And we talked, we surveyed 150
1:23
Speaker 2: women in their 40s and 50s kind of about how
1:25
Speaker 2: their midlife was playing out, what they were thinking, what
1:28
Speaker 2: they were feeling. And kind of what we discovered is
1:32
Speaker 2: everyone thinks that everyone else has it figured out except them.
1:35
Speaker 2: Everyone is keeping that information a terrible secret to themselves.
1:39
Speaker 2: I think 70% of the people we talked to have
1:42
Speaker 2: fantasized about like completely burning their life down and like
1:44
Speaker 2: moving away to Greece and opening a bookshop. From there,
1:47
Speaker 2: we ended up interviewing maybe 30, 40 women kind of
1:50
Speaker 2: in depth about their lives and then also talking to
1:53
Speaker 2: about 60 experts, all women, about how if you're in
1:56
Speaker 2: this kind of transition period in your 40s and like,
2:00
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't even have
2:02
Speaker 2: to be like, oh, my life sucks. It can just
2:04
Speaker 2: be like, here's a moment to kind of re-examine my
2:06
Speaker 2: values and see what in my life is working and
2:09
Speaker 2: how I want the second half to be. Sort of
2:11
Speaker 2: a lot of big picture and very practical advice about
2:15
Speaker 2: kind of how to re-envision things. What are your values?
2:18
Speaker 2: Who are you now? What's important to you? And did
2:21
Speaker 2: you forget to have a 401k? And if so, can
2:24
Speaker 2: you start one now? And the answer is you can.
2:27
Speaker 2: It's just a pain in the ass.
2:30
Speaker 1: Was there a moment for you or a purchase or
2:34
Speaker 1: something that happened that made you realize like, oh, this
2:37
Speaker 1: is my midlife crisis? Let's see. So I'm a journalist.
2:40
Speaker 2: And part of being a journalist is you get laid
2:44
Speaker 2: off all of the time.
2:45
Speaker 1: All the time.
2:46
Speaker 2: I had just gotten laid off around this time period.
2:49
Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't think this is a
2:51
Speaker 2: sustainable lifestyle for me. And I don't even know if
2:56
Speaker 2: this is what I wanted to do with my life
2:57
Speaker 2: to begin with. And now I'm like 40 and get
2:59
Speaker 2: fired every six weeks. So what do I actually want
3:04
Speaker 2: to be doing with my remaining time left on Earth?
3:08
Speaker 2: It might not be this.
3:09
Speaker 1: Yeah. OK, well, Gabby, we are here to read and
3:12
Speaker 1: react to some regretful parents. I tried to choose three
3:17
Speaker 1: that all kind of had not a midlife crisis, but
3:21
Speaker 1: that kind of energy to the story. So I will
3:26
Speaker 1: read you the titles. And I don't do this for everyone,
3:29
Speaker 1: but I decided that it would be helpful to give
3:31
Speaker 1: you like a one sentence summary of it so that
3:33
Speaker 1: you could get more of a sense than just the
3:36
Speaker 1: terrible titles. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Number one is... Titled,
3:44
Speaker 1: I truly have destroyed my life. The one-liner is a
3:49
Speaker 1: bipolar person say they deeply regret becoming a parent because
3:53
Speaker 1: they feel trapped by the loss of their former freedom
3:56
Speaker 1: and strongly urge others who value independence not to have children.
4:00
Speaker 1: That one's really sad. Girl, this is regretful parents. They're
4:03
Speaker 1: all going to be this way.
4:04
Speaker 2: Yeah.
4:06
Speaker 1: There's not going to be one where you're like, ooh, heartwarming.
4:09
Speaker 2: The title was funny, and then the description, I was
4:13
Speaker 2: just like, oh, no.
4:13
Speaker 1: Okay, number two. The title is... She is the sweetest
4:17
Speaker 1: baby in the world, and I love her so much,
4:20
Speaker 1: but dear God, this is not for me. I think
4:23
Speaker 1: I am broken. The one-liner is, mom in her 30s
4:26
Speaker 1: loves her baby, but feels overwhelmed, depressed, overstimulated, and increasingly
4:31
Speaker 1: regretful because motherhood has consumed her sleep, identity, and sense
4:36
Speaker 1: of peace. I just see the light leaving your eyes.
4:40
Speaker 2: I'm like, I wrote that one in an alternate universe
4:43
Speaker 2: and sent it back here, I think.
4:44
Speaker 1: Yeah. Okay, and then number three is titled, Update. I
4:49
Speaker 1: posted about regretting parenthood even though I, quote, have it all.
4:55
Speaker 1: Now I am unexpectedly pregnant with our third. The one-liner
4:59
Speaker 1: is a mom of two children feels dread about an
5:02
Speaker 1: unexpected third pregnancy because it means returning to the relentless
5:07
Speaker 1: baby stage. So there you have it. One, two, and three.
5:12
Speaker 2: These are all the worst things I've ever heard in
5:14
Speaker 2: my life. Maybe I felt like such a chill of
5:19
Speaker 2: that could have been me for number two that I'm like,
5:21
Speaker 2: maybe we should go with that.
5:23
Speaker 1: All right. I love that. Here we go. I love
5:26
Speaker 1: that she starts this out with M34 female. Not even
5:32
Speaker 1: I am. She's like, let's get straight to the point.
5:34
Speaker 1: I just need to get these facts out. She writes, rationally,
5:38
Speaker 1: I knew maybe motherhood was not for me. I was
5:42
Speaker 1: aware of the hardships, was terrified of having a child
5:45
Speaker 1: with special needs, and know I am kind of dot
5:49
Speaker 1: dot dot sensitive. I might be on the spectrum, I'm
5:53
Speaker 1: not sure, but I get overstimulated rather easily. Emotionally, I've
5:58
Speaker 1: always felt this call towards motherhood. My heart would pound
6:01
Speaker 1: in emotion when I thought about having kids, and I
6:04
Speaker 1: anguish toward experiencing that love. How does that sit with you?
6:08
Speaker 1: Because I remember you came on Dinky a while back.
6:11
Speaker 1: I don't really remember the substance of that conversation. Did
6:16
Speaker 1: you ever feel like a call towards motherhood?
6:19
Speaker 2: No, I actually think our conversation might have been like,
6:21
Speaker 2: I'm stone cold. In fact, I'm 44, so I'm a
6:25
Speaker 2: little older than you, and I like... No one told
6:28
Speaker 2: me you were allowed to not have kids when I
6:30
Speaker 2: was growing up. So I like had such a vivid
6:33
Speaker 2: memory of when I like found out you could just
6:35
Speaker 2: not have them.
6:35
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my God, yes. Yeah. Where were
6:39
Speaker 1: you when you heard about that? Do you remember?
6:41
Speaker 2: Well, so this is so depressing. I moved to New
6:45
Speaker 2: York in my 20s when I understood you could like go.
6:49
Speaker 2: I was like 22 probably. I think I met my
6:51
Speaker 2: first woman in New York who was like, you know,
6:54
Speaker 2: in her 50s or 60s or something and had just,
6:56
Speaker 2: you know, never had kids. And it's not because she
6:58
Speaker 2: wanted them and it didn't work out.
7:00
Speaker 1: Just, you know, she didn't want. And I was like,
7:02
Speaker 1: you can do that? That feels like a true, like,
7:08
Speaker 1: you know, when you think about people like moving to
7:10
Speaker 1: New York and like getting off the bus and being like,
7:12
Speaker 1: this place is magical. Like you meet a woman and
7:14
Speaker 1: you're like, ah, anything's possible in the city. You know,
7:18
Speaker 1: now I know you can just go on the Internet
7:20
Speaker 1: and find that out immediately. But this is like 2004.
7:23
Speaker 2: So you had to find someone who had, like, I'm
7:28
Speaker 2: from the suburbs. Like, the only people I ever met
7:30
Speaker 2: growing up who didn't have kids were like, you know,
7:33
Speaker 2: one mean teacher in your elementary school.
7:36
Speaker 1: There were not a lot of role models. Totally. Totally.
7:39
Speaker 1: That's so funny. So she continues. So two years ago,
7:43
Speaker 1: my lovely husband and I decided we would have kids.
7:46
Speaker 1: We barely had to try. got pregnant on the first
7:49
Speaker 1: fertility tryout we made. And that was kind of a shock.
7:55
Speaker 1: I always hear about people trying and trying. My sister
7:58
Speaker 1: has been trying for seven years. What are you thinking?
8:01
Speaker 2: You do hear a decent amount of these things of
8:03
Speaker 2: someone who is like, I thought there would be a
8:05
Speaker 2: bigger window and more time to kind of think about it.
8:08
Speaker 1: And then it just happened. And now I'm like on
8:10
Speaker 1: a runaway train. I know. Pregnancy is so scary. The
8:13
Speaker 1: fact that like it can be very hard, but then
8:15
Speaker 1: it also can just out of the blue happened.
8:19
Speaker 2: I mean, obviously, this is not surprising as I am
8:21
Speaker 2: a guest on this podcast, but like traditionally my number
8:24
Speaker 2: one stress and anxiety dream is I just like look
8:26
Speaker 2: down and I'm like seven months pregnant and I'm like, oh, no,
8:30
Speaker 2: this just happened.
8:32
Speaker 1: Kristen and I just talked about this on the pod
8:34
Speaker 1: recently because she gets pregnancy dreams a lot and I
8:36
Speaker 1: don't think I've really ever had one. Does it happen
8:38
Speaker 1: for you a lot?
8:40
Speaker 2: My two like stress and anxiety dreams are I look down,
8:43
Speaker 2: I'm seven months pregnant and I don't know how to drive.
8:46
Speaker 2: So my other anxiety dream is I'm just like somehow
8:49
Speaker 2: I come to and I'm at the wheel of a
8:50
Speaker 2: car on the highway and I'm like, no, they're kind
8:52
Speaker 2: of the same dream.
8:54
Speaker 1: Have you ever had the dream where you're in a
8:56
Speaker 1: car and you're pregnant?
8:59
Speaker 2: One time when I was really stressed out.
9:02
Speaker 1: No! God, your body... I was like, it's all going wrong.
9:08
Speaker 1: Your brain was like, I cannot do this. So this
9:12
Speaker 1: author says pregnancy was super easy. I loved being pregnant
9:17
Speaker 1: in all caps, feeling her kick, feeling the love grow.
9:20
Speaker 1: I was excited about the labor, which turned into an
9:23
Speaker 1: emergency C-section, but I was okay with that as well.
9:27
Speaker 1: She was born full term. Super healthy and chunky. Oh
9:32
Speaker 1: my God. So unnecessary. Body shaming that newborn. I know.
9:39
Speaker 1: Super healthy and chunky. Immediate postpartum felt like a wonderful
9:43
Speaker 1: fever dream. Breastfeeding came easily and I love it to
9:47
Speaker 1: this day. Oh, could not be me. I hate breastfeeding.
9:51
Speaker 1: I know it's natural, but a lot of things that
9:53
Speaker 1: are gross are natural.
9:55
Speaker 2: A lot of my friends who have had babies recently
9:57
Speaker 2: seem to have opted out of it. I think it
9:59
Speaker 2: is not. not easy and natural for a lot of people.
10:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we went through a wave where people
10:05
Speaker 1: were trying to be very accepting of breastfeeding. And I
10:07
Speaker 1: think we're starting to see the backlash of that now
10:09
Speaker 1: where women are like, fuck, no. Great for you, not
10:14
Speaker 1: in my life. Not for me. I'm fascinated that this
10:19
Speaker 1: lady loved it, though. That's so interesting.
10:23
Speaker 2: Like, she's already, like, way more into, like, all these
10:25
Speaker 2: things that people have nightmare experiences with.
10:28
Speaker 1: Totally. Like, the pregnancy and the... Yeah, getting pregnant fast,
10:31
Speaker 1: loving breastfeeding, loving being pregnant. It's like, okay, I'm so
10:35
Speaker 1: curious to see how this plays out. And we find
10:38
Speaker 1: that out in the next sentence.
10:39
Speaker 2: I would think this really is paced like a horror
10:42
Speaker 2: movie where it's like, everything's great, but you know something's
10:44
Speaker 2: going to go wrong.
10:46
Speaker 1: Lurking around the corner, yes. She says, but fuck, motherhood
10:50
Speaker 1: is absolutely relentless. Now we are 11 months in, and God,
10:56
Speaker 1: I am exhausted. I wish I could not be a
10:59
Speaker 1: mother for at least two days a week. We are
11:02
Speaker 1: immigrants and have absolutely no village. I worked up until
11:06
Speaker 1: 33 weeks. I had been a tattoo artist for 12 years,
11:10
Speaker 1: and although I loved it, I was completely burnt out
11:12
Speaker 1: and pretty happy to drop it, at least for a
11:14
Speaker 1: little while. My husband is the breadwinner, So the brunt
11:18
Speaker 1: of the baby care and housework fell on me. Tale
11:22
Speaker 1: as old as time, baby. He is extremely present and caring,
11:28
Speaker 1: but the relentlessness, the groundhog day, is mine. We can't
11:33
Speaker 1: put her in the daycare for a few months until
11:36
Speaker 1: our permanent residency falls through. I don't think that's the
11:40
Speaker 1: way you phrase that, but we're going to move. We're
11:42
Speaker 1: going to roll our past until our permanent residency comes through.
11:46
Speaker 1: I think probably, yeah. Because it is not financially feasible. Interesting.
11:51
Speaker 1: I'm so curious where they are. It seems like maybe
11:54
Speaker 1: somewhere where you can get affordable child care.
11:58
Speaker 2: I was going to say, like, because so far it
12:02
Speaker 2: sounds like the problem is maybe less parenthood and just that, like,
12:05
Speaker 2: the child care situation that people get fucked in this country,
12:10
Speaker 2: but also whatever country they're in.
12:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wonder if maybe they immigrated. Maybe a Canada,
12:19
Speaker 1: an EU, somewhere in that vein. And they can't get
12:22
Speaker 1: universal child care until they're permanent residents. I'm so curious
12:26
Speaker 1: how far away they are from that. They said she
12:29
Speaker 1: has always been low sleep needs and needs high support
12:33
Speaker 1: to fall. Okay, she's always been low sleep. Okay, so
12:37
Speaker 1: she doesn't really need sleep. Yeah. But she needs a
12:39
Speaker 1: lot of support to fall asleep. Up until the last month,
12:44
Speaker 1: she had never slept through the night. And that's not
12:47
Speaker 1: something that happens frequently. So up until month 10, not
12:52
Speaker 1: a full night's sleep.
12:54
Speaker 2: You hear about this shit and I don't know how
12:57
Speaker 2: anyone survives it. My heart goes out to this person.
13:06
Speaker 1: Are you a good sleeper?
13:07
Speaker 2: No, I'm a really bad sleeper. I have high support
13:12
Speaker 2: sleep needs.
13:13
Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
13:15
Speaker 2: Do you need someone to cradle you? I want a
13:17
Speaker 2: night nurse to take care of me in the night.
13:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. Every nap is short and a contact nap.
13:25
Speaker 1: She needs to be entertained every waking minute or she
13:28
Speaker 1: will scream her little head off. I rarely have a
13:31
Speaker 1: minute to myself. I miss my husband, but I am
13:34
Speaker 1: kind of resenting him because he is not the default parent.
13:37
Speaker 1: How are you feeling at this point?
13:39
Speaker 2: I think that this is all like, I'm like, maybe
13:43
Speaker 2: could have been me. I don't think I would have
13:45
Speaker 2: liked pregnancy or breastfeeding or felt that good about any
13:47
Speaker 2: of it. But I could imagine an alternate reality where
13:50
Speaker 2: this is just, this is my life and this is
13:53
Speaker 2: what I'm dealing with. If I hadn't met that 50-year-old
13:56
Speaker 2: woman without children.
13:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. It scares me so much to think, too,
14:01
Speaker 1: about like all of these things kind of going the
14:03
Speaker 1: way that you want them to go. Everything's moving forward.
14:07
Speaker 1: happily along and then basically being trapped with no out
14:11
Speaker 1: is like my worst nightmare.
14:12
Speaker 2: I mean, that's like a funny thing to me is always,
14:16
Speaker 2: you know, people think like doing your life as someone
14:19
Speaker 2: with a career in journalism is risky. And I'm like,
14:21
Speaker 2: most people in America take a much bigger risk when
14:24
Speaker 2: you just have your first kid and you're like, I
14:26
Speaker 2: hope this hope this doesn't make me lose my mind.
14:29
Speaker 1: Yeah. Hope this stranger that I'm birthing doesn't come back
14:33
Speaker 1: to murder me in my lifetime.
14:37
Speaker 2: And I mean, this is also like not to not
14:40
Speaker 2: to bring down the vibe, but like I was raised
14:43
Speaker 2: by a mom who I think loved the idea of
14:45
Speaker 2: mothering and then the demands of being a parent just
14:48
Speaker 2: like destroyed her brain. I do think maybe even now
14:53
Speaker 2: we could be a little more honest with people about
14:55
Speaker 2: what actually having and raising a small child is like,
14:59
Speaker 2: you know, not necessarily that people would make another decision,
15:02
Speaker 2: but just like have all the have all the information.
15:04
Speaker 1: Right, totally. Did you feel that presently when you were
15:07
Speaker 1: a child, or was that something that you came to
15:09
Speaker 1: realize later on?
15:10
Speaker 2: I had, like, a super crappy childhood, and I think only, like,
15:16
Speaker 2: years later in therapy, I was like, my mom had...
15:22
Speaker 2: so many mental health challenges and she thought having a
15:24
Speaker 2: baby was gonna like make them go away and instead
15:27
Speaker 2: it made all of them way worse because you know
15:30
Speaker 2: now a person is just screaming at you all day
15:33
Speaker 2: are you an only child yeah yeah I mean obviously
15:36
Speaker 2: like she was like whoopsie both of my parents Both
15:41
Speaker 2: of my parents could have easily been regretful parents posters
15:44
Speaker 2: if this had been around in the 80s, I think.
15:46
Speaker 2: My dad would have been like, oh, my girlfriend said
15:50
Speaker 2: she was on the pill, but it turned out to
15:51
Speaker 2: not be true.
15:52
Speaker 1: What would you do? Yes, 100%. We actually just read
15:56
Speaker 1: that exact story. Tale as old as time. A tale
16:01
Speaker 1: as old as time. So she's resenting her husband. Sounds familiar.
16:05
Speaker 1: Very reasonable. Default parent. And she says, Speaking about the daughter,
16:10
Speaker 1: she is smart. She is happy. She is playful. She
16:14
Speaker 1: is lovely, which I'm a little skeptical of since she
16:16
Speaker 1: needs to be entertained every waking minute or she'll scream
16:19
Speaker 1: her little head off. But this lady's sleep deprived. I'll
16:23
Speaker 1: give it to her.
16:25
Speaker 2: Maybe it's not her fault. She's just trying to communicate
16:28
Speaker 2: with the tools that she has with this baby. She
16:31
Speaker 2: only has screaming.
16:33
Speaker 1: She says there's absolutely nothing wrong with her. I am
16:36
Speaker 1: the weak one. I am broken. I know. So sad.
16:41
Speaker 1: And in so many days, I regret the day we
16:45
Speaker 1: decided to become parents. I miss sleep. I miss my body.
16:49
Speaker 1: I slowly gain back all the pregnancy weight while breastfeeding.
16:54
Speaker 1: I just miss drawing. I miss not feeling like I'm
16:57
Speaker 1: chasing a carrot. Wow, I feel like I miss not
17:02
Speaker 1: feeling like I'm chasing a carrot that's dangling in front
17:06
Speaker 1: of me every minute of every day. That's fucked up.
17:13
Speaker 2: I mean, and I will also say like, just this
17:15
Speaker 2: is me projecting, I'm sure, but I am someone with
17:18
Speaker 2: bad sleep issues. And I had a period of time,
17:20
Speaker 2: maybe 10 years ago where my sleep was like fucked
17:23
Speaker 2: up for like a year straight. And I'm like, that's
17:26
Speaker 2: also like, I think that makes feelings like this kind
17:31
Speaker 2: of come to the fore. Like I remember like a
17:33
Speaker 2: lot of like, I would just burst into tears on
17:35
Speaker 2: a street corner and I'd be like, why can't I
17:37
Speaker 2: get a break? So not not to say that parenting
17:40
Speaker 2: is not hard, but I think we really underestimate the
17:44
Speaker 2: role that like healthy sleep plays in mental health. Like
17:49
Speaker 2: we just blow off. We just blow off these, you know,
17:53
Speaker 2: parents going it on their own and like having to
17:56
Speaker 2: lose so much sleep.
17:57
Speaker 1: It like takes such a toll. It really does. Yeah.
18:00
Speaker 1: I don't think we highlight that enough. I don't know
18:04
Speaker 1: if you followed the Lindsay Clancy trial. Tiny bit. Tiny bit. Yeah.
18:08
Speaker 1: But that was like something that I saw a lot
18:11
Speaker 1: of women talking about was like how it just feels
18:13
Speaker 1: like every woman who becomes a mom has a terrible
18:16
Speaker 1: time with sleep. And of course, in some countries, they
18:20
Speaker 1: like provide you with, you know, maybe an overnight nurse
18:23
Speaker 1: for the first couple of months or something just so
18:25
Speaker 1: that you can recuperate. But God, we don't have anything
18:28
Speaker 1: like that here.
18:29
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, I was going to say in a
18:31
Speaker 2: like a million years ago at one of my early jobs,
18:34
Speaker 2: like I worked with a woman who was a little
18:36
Speaker 2: bit older than me, but like very, very, very rich.
18:39
Speaker 2: Like this job was just her hobby. And she had
18:41
Speaker 2: a baby and then like, was immediately like, doing great,
18:45
Speaker 2: looking great, so healthy, so happy. And it's because they
18:48
Speaker 2: had every single night, a nurse who like came there
18:51
Speaker 2: and just stayed with the baby all night. So she
18:53
Speaker 2: was sleeping like seven hours a night, like days after
18:57
Speaker 2: giving birth. And like, you know, not that every conversation
19:01
Speaker 2: here has to eventually turn into being like, we need socialism,
19:04
Speaker 2: but like.
19:06
Speaker 1: We do. But we do. We really do. I mean,
19:09
Speaker 1: when people complain about not having a village, I'm like,
19:12
Speaker 1: what do you imagine that village to be if not
19:15
Speaker 1: a system that is paid for by the government, by
19:19
Speaker 1: all of our taxpayer dollars?
19:20
Speaker 2: Just ever, ever since that experience, I've been like, it
19:23
Speaker 2: is unbelievable to me that wealthy women and Not even
19:27
Speaker 2: poor women, just non-wealthy women have these vastly different experiences
19:32
Speaker 2: where like sleep becomes a money related resource.
19:38
Speaker 1: Wow. And can you imagine? I mean, you have sleep problems,
19:41
Speaker 1: so you can't imagine. But like having to go through
19:43
Speaker 1: this and then still like go to the grocery store,
19:46
Speaker 1: be cleaning diapers. I wasn't responsible.
19:50
Speaker 2: For another human being. Like I was just, you know,
19:53
Speaker 2: I was just yelling at my husband. That was all
19:55
Speaker 2: that was happening.
19:57
Speaker 1: Like I can't imagine if I was, you know, in
19:59
Speaker 1: charge of another person. I know. It's horrible. All right.
20:03
Speaker 1: She says, I know I am depressed. I feel 600
20:07
Speaker 1: kilograms over my shoulder. So yeah, she's not from the States.
20:11
Speaker 1: We don't know what the fuck a kilogram is. I
20:14
Speaker 1: can barely smile anymore. Once I have time to myself,
20:18
Speaker 1: I just want to lie down in a dark room,
20:21
Speaker 1: which is exactly what I was doing right now. But
20:23
Speaker 1: it's not just, quote, hey, hormonal crazy feeling. No, it's
20:28
Speaker 1: the sinking in of reality. This is my life. I
20:31
Speaker 1: will never not be overstimulated again. I... I do want
20:37
Speaker 1: to hug her and be like, these things aren't true.
20:39
Speaker 1: Your kid will grow up and you will sleep.
20:42
Speaker 2: I mean, this is like, I know I am projecting,
20:44
Speaker 2: but I'm like, this is such like insomnia triggered depression
20:47
Speaker 2: thinking where, you know, I would be up at like
20:50
Speaker 2: four in the morning and I'd be like, this is
20:52
Speaker 2: how I die.
20:53
Speaker 1: I'm going to die from just being awake. Yes. I
20:56
Speaker 1: will never feel at peace again. My life is a
20:59
Speaker 1: succession of errands and baby care during the day and
21:02
Speaker 1: sleepless nights. And I seem to disappear a little more
21:06
Speaker 1: day after day. I do want to say, because I
21:09
Speaker 1: just was thinking this, like, as I was like, girl,
21:11
Speaker 1: one day this will pass. It's funny how quickly, like,
21:14
Speaker 1: we say those things without remembering that, like, she has
21:18
Speaker 1: and is losing years of her life that are just
21:21
Speaker 1: going to be a sleepless memory raising this kid.
21:25
Speaker 2: It is just so, like, heartbreaking to me that we
21:30
Speaker 2: create this situation where, like, one person has to suffer
21:34
Speaker 2: so badly so, like, 20 people don't get inconvenienced, you know? Yes.
21:40
Speaker 2: Spreading it out on a state level or, like, a
21:42
Speaker 2: personal level. Like, I'm just like, it doesn't have to
21:44
Speaker 2: be this way. It really doesn't. This is not a
21:47
Speaker 2: job for, I mean, and, you know... Not that I
21:50
Speaker 2: fully understand their marriage, but I'm like, I think the
21:52
Speaker 2: husband could probably be doing more.
21:53
Speaker 1: A smidge.
21:57
Speaker 2: Like, maybe when you see your wife just, like, lying
21:59
Speaker 2: in the dark being like, my life is a dark room,
22:02
Speaker 2: one big dark room, like, maybe you could help out.
22:05
Speaker 2: Maybe you could be like, I'll stay up tonight.
22:07
Speaker 1: I know. I wonder, too, like, because she doesn't really
22:10
Speaker 1: seem to talk about it. Like, I wonder how much
22:11
Speaker 1: she's talking to her partner about this, like, Does he
22:15
Speaker 1: know that she's hosting on the Regretful Parents sub? Like,
22:17
Speaker 1: does she know that she's in crisis or is she
22:19
Speaker 1: keeping that inside to protect him?
22:21
Speaker 2: I mean, she seems so ashamed where she's like, I'm broken. Like,
22:24
Speaker 2: you're not. You're tired and you're having a very normal experience,
22:27
Speaker 2: I think, of someone doing something incredibly hard with, like,
22:30
Speaker 2: seemingly zero support.
22:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. All right. So she said, my life is
22:38
Speaker 1: a succession of errands and baby care during the day
22:41
Speaker 1: and sleepless nights. And I seem to disappear a little
22:44
Speaker 1: more day after day. And I feel like I am
22:46
Speaker 1: becoming a shitty mother because how can you be a
22:49
Speaker 1: good mother if you are sad and gray and disappearing?
22:52
Speaker 1: And I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. And then last sentence.
22:57
Speaker 1: But oh, right now, I wish I had gone with
23:00
Speaker 1: my rational side two years ago.
23:05
Speaker 2: I just like, again, I obviously I don't know her
23:08
Speaker 2: and I don't know her life. I'm like, I want it.
23:11
Speaker 2: I want your husband to take a week off from work.
23:14
Speaker 2: I want to rent you a hotel room. I want
23:16
Speaker 2: to give you my Lunesta prescription and just just order
23:20
Speaker 2: order room.
23:21
Speaker 1: Service on my card. I don't care. Like, just do you.
23:25
Speaker 2: I think you're going to feel better faster than you
23:26
Speaker 2: think if you just get a fucking break.
23:29
Speaker 1: I know. I know. And yeah, I imagine, to your point, like,
23:34
Speaker 1: the sleep is a huge part of being immigrants and
23:36
Speaker 1: not having any support system or community. But I'm like,
23:40
Speaker 1: don't you have an uncle or someone that you can
23:42
Speaker 1: call and be like, can you get us $ 100 so
23:45
Speaker 1: that I can just hire a nanny for the night
23:48
Speaker 1: or something?
23:48
Speaker 2: I mean, like, I can understand how you can end
23:52
Speaker 2: up in a situation where, like, it is all on you.
23:55
Speaker 1: And I mean, I.
23:57
Speaker 2: I guess I feel lucky that I had never had
23:59
Speaker 2: a pull towards having children because I think that this
24:02
Speaker 2: can like being in a situation where you find out
24:04
Speaker 2: actually it is all on you and you have no
24:08
Speaker 2: real support system. I think that happens a lot more
24:10
Speaker 2: often than people think.
24:14
Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
24:14
Speaker 2: Well.
24:15
Speaker 1: What a joy. I'm going to read some comments, but
24:19
Speaker 1: I'm looking at the comments and none of them seem
24:21
Speaker 1: particularly insightful. It's just a lot of people saying, sorry,
24:25
Speaker 1: I'm sorry this is happening to you.
24:28
Speaker 2: I mean, like, I'm not saying anything new here, but
24:32
Speaker 2: I'm like, I think a lot of regretful parents is actually,
24:34
Speaker 2: you know, should be called like parents dealing with poor infrastructure.
24:39
Speaker 1: Yes. Victims of poor infrastructure subreddit. It doesn't have the
24:45
Speaker 1: same role, but... That's my Reddit that I'm starting. If
24:48
Speaker 1: the book doesn't work out, I am re-devoting myself to
24:50
Speaker 1: r slash victims of poor infrastructure. You can also talk
24:53
Speaker 1: about your bad local highway there. Do you have a
24:56
Speaker 1: collapsing bridge in your neighborhood? Join our subreddit. We can't
25:00
Speaker 1: do anything, but we will make you feel understood. Well,
25:03
Speaker 1: thank you, everyone, for tuning in. Gabby, when does your
25:07
Speaker 1: book come out? It's this month, right? Oh, it just
25:09
Speaker 1: came out, yeah. It's out! It's out. People can get
25:13
Speaker 1: it anywhere? Yeah, just anywhere. Okay. Anywhere on the little
25:16
Speaker 1: old internet. Okay, we will link to it in the
25:18
Speaker 1: show notes. Be sure to check that or support a
25:22
Speaker 1: local bookstore or your library or something, guys, because Amazon
25:29
Speaker 1: really be fucking us. But also, you know, you can
25:32
Speaker 1: get it from Amazon. I know it helps you probably, but...
25:36
Speaker 1: I'm like, ask for it at the library. It'd be
25:38
Speaker 1: great to have it at some libraries, man. Libraries are awesome.
25:41
Speaker 1: I'm a heavy library user. I love a library. Thank you, Gabby,
25:45
Speaker 1: so much for joining us. It's so good to see you.
25:48
Speaker 1: And until next time, guys, don't get pregnant.