Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #63 Raising Teenagers

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#63 Raising Teenagers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: where Luke and Suzy and this is the podcast for
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers Now, Sue's.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: A very important question that's come into the show.
• 0:15
  Speaker 3: It has indicated that maybe as kids get older that
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: perhaps we become a little bit more confused as parents
• 0:22
  Speaker 3: because there's a lot of textbooks and a lot of
• 0:24
  Speaker 3: predictability about two year olds and five year olds and
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: seven year olds, and even though there are textbooks about teenagers,
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: sus my guess is my memory of me being a teen.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Is that we're pretty good at adapting once our parents
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: think they've got it all sorted. Yes, and we've had
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: a question come to the show we have.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Mary wrote through and asked us, how do you work
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: with your teenager? And I think this is a really
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: interesting question because we do talk a lot about the
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: kids that are about our age, primary school kids, but
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: teenagers we need to address them as well. But we
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: don't know much doctor Justin Coilson does talking about teenagers.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: We know children do change, and it seems that just
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: as we master one area of parenting, I don't know,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: they get a hormone kick or something, and suddenly we're
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: dealing with a whole different child again. And those teenage
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: years are really critical years relationally with parents. How do
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: we navigate those?
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: Let me respond to that by sharing a story and
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: then a handful of ideas.
• 1:18
  Speaker 5: So there's this farmer.
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: He's an old, krusty farmer, been working on the farm
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: for decades, and he's out doing chores one morning and
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: a government ute pulls into the driveway and that gets
• 1:30
  Speaker 4: a government worker and he walks over to the farmer
• 1:32
  Speaker 4: and says, I'm here representing the federal government and I'm
• 1:36
  Speaker 4: here to inspect your farm for drugs. The farmer says,
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: I see. He says, can I recommend to you that
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: whatever you do, you don't look over in that paddock
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: over there.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Well that's good, he's just preparing.
• 1:53
  Speaker 5: That's right.
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  Speaker 4: So the government employee looks at the farmer and says,
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: let me just explain to you who I am. I
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: work for the federal government. I'm here to look over
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: this entire farm for drugs and any other illegal activity
• 2:07
  Speaker 4: that I think might be going on here.
• 2:09
  Speaker 5: And I will look wherever I want.
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  Speaker 4: And just to state his case more emphatically, he reached
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, opened it up,
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: and flashed a badge.
• 2:17
  Speaker 5: And so do you see this badge.
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: This badge authorizes me to go anywhere I want on
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: your farm. So the farmer stepped back and humbly apologized
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: and said, okay, I'll get out of your way. A
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: few minutes later, while the farmer's back doing the chores,
• 2:35
  Speaker 4: he hears this noise over in the distance. He hears
• 2:38
  Speaker 4: this voice saying, and he turns around and walks to
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: the fence of the field that he told this government
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: employee not to go to, and sees this employee running
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: like crazy to get out of the field, and behind him,
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: chasing him at approximately twice his speed, is a bull
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: with great big horns, this government employee saying, help me,
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: help me, And the farmer leans on the fence and
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: calls out in a loud voice, show.
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  Speaker 2: Him your badge.
• 3:12
  Speaker 4: And I think you know, our teenagers, our teenagers kind
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: of become the bull.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: I was wondering if the teenager wasn't the story.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: And we pull out our badge, and we show them
• 3:23
  Speaker 4: the badge, and we say I'm the parent, and they
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: say that badge doesn't mean anything. To me anymore, marm
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: and dad, I can do what I want. It's my life.
• 3:31
  Speaker 4: In fact, the teenage anthem really is, it's my life.
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: I'll do what I want. Get out of my way. Now,
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  Speaker 4: there's a handful of things that are going on with
• 3:40
  Speaker 4: our teenagers. First of all, boys in particular, they experience
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: a significant drop in empathy in their brains, that their
• 3:49
  Speaker 4: brain is not wired for empathy at all. It drops
• 3:52
  Speaker 4: around about the age of twelve or thirteen. But you
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: couple that with these major tasks of lessons. Teenagers are
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: supposed to do two things so that they can become
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  Speaker 4: successful adults. Number one, they need to separate from us,
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: and number two, they need to create an identity. And
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  Speaker 4: they can't create their own identity while they're hanging onto
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  Speaker 4: our coattails, while they're getting piggybacks from us. They've got
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  Speaker 4: to separate, And unfortunately, one of the major ways that
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: they separate from us is by saying no, and it's
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  Speaker 4: my life. And the more we try to force them,
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  Speaker 4: the wider we make that chasm between us and them,
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  Speaker 4: The more we sort of say, my house, my rules,
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  Speaker 4: I'm the parent, I've got the spine, i've got the
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  Speaker 4: backbone to stand up to you.
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  Speaker 5: You know, if you don't like it, you can leave.
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  Speaker 4: While ever we're doing that, all we're going to do
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  Speaker 4: is jeopardize the relationship. We're flashing that badge in the
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: face of an angry ball. The interesting thing is that
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: if we put the badge away and not that we
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  Speaker 4: have to become friends with our kids. You know, there's
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: this argument that's always out there, a parent's supposed to
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: be their children's friends or are they supposed to be parents? Well,
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: we're always their parent, but we can be parents that
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: have great relationships with our children. But we've got to
• 5:06
  Speaker 4: let go of this whole authority complex. We've got to
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  Speaker 4: stop waving badges in people's faces and start working with
• 5:12
  Speaker 4: our kids and saying, hey, I get this, this is
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  Speaker 4: hard for you.
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  Speaker 5: I'm here to help you, not tell you what to do.
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  Speaker 3: Surely, though, as we prepare them for life beyond you know,
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  Speaker 3: being a teenager at our house, like they're going to
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  Speaker 3: have bosses and they're going to have authority, figures that
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  Speaker 3: if we don't, you know, if the badge is irrelevant
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  Speaker 3: in this stage of life, aren't we setting them up
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  Speaker 3: for failure when they have to respect the badge in
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: life when they're adults.
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: You know, most families will say my kids drive me insane,
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: but their school teachers say they're angels.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, all right.
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  Speaker 4: Children behave differently in the public sphere to how they
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: behave in that private sphere. So do we, And so
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: you're exactly right, And so I think that we need
• 5:50
  Speaker 4: to get away from that fear that if I don't
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: teach my kid right and they're not perfect in the home,
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: then they're going to be destatute by the time they're
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: twenty five, because.
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  Speaker 5: They'll have ruined every relationship matters. It's not true.
• 6:01
  Speaker 4: Our kids are supposed to separate from us and they're
• 6:04
  Speaker 4: supposed to develop this identity. Oh, by the way, if
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: we push them hard enough, because they're trying to separate,
• 6:10
  Speaker 4: and we're getting all rule focused and they do need rules, please,
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: I want to be clear, they do need rules. But
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  Speaker 4: I'll come back to that in a sec If we're
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: getting so heavily rule focused and we keep pushing and
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: pushing and pushing, they're not going to listen to us.
• 6:24
  Speaker 5: Where are they going to go? They're going to go
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  Speaker 5: to their friends, and often they'll go to the same
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  Speaker 5: friends who are going through the same.
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: Thing with their parents, and they get into this state
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  Speaker 4: of our parents don't understand, our parents are dumb, Our
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: parents are just such a pain. And then they all say, well,
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: what can we do to show them? And then they
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  Speaker 4: go and start doing things that are unhelpful.
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  Speaker 5: I love the quote.
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  Speaker 4: I don't know who said it, but there was a
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  Speaker 4: I think it was Mark Twain, but I could be wrong.
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  Speaker 4: Who said When I was fourteen, I thought my father
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  Speaker 4: knew nothing. By the time I was twenty one, I
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: couldn't believe how much he'd learned. In the last seating
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  Speaker 4: is if they do grow up, they do mature, and
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: they do figure out that we were there. You know,
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  Speaker 4: This is what I would say if you feel like
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  Speaker 4: your kids are just driving you to despair and they're teenagers.
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  Speaker 4: Number one, what were you like when you were a teenager?
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  Speaker 5: Luke?
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  Speaker 2: Okay, not a good example.
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  Speaker 4: I was not a nice human being when I still
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  Speaker 4: need to improve even now that I'm an adult. But
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  Speaker 4: when I was a teenager, I was not a nice
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  Speaker 4: human being at all. And most of us grow up
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  Speaker 4: to be much better than we were as teens.
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  Speaker 5: If that's the peak we're all in trouble. The kids
• 7:40
  Speaker 5: will get better and better as they get older.
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  Speaker 4: That's the first thing. The second thing is the relationship
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  Speaker 4: is key. Our relationship with the matters so much. And
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  Speaker 4: when you're at that point where you're despairing, just say
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  Speaker 4: to them, I'm I'm just going to step back right now,
• 7:53
  Speaker 4: but we're going to talk about it later. We're going
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  Speaker 4: to work this out. Because you matter more than anything.
• 7:58
  Speaker 4: You've got to tell them. I got to tell your
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: teenagers they matter more than anything.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, and be there for them.
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: It is the Happy Famili's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: and we are talking about raising teenagers today. A little
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: bit more coming up very shortly.
• 8:12
  Speaker 6: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices.
• 8:16
  Speaker 6: His seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to
• 8:20
  Speaker 6: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting
• 8:23
  Speaker 6: seminar can be tough his work and other commitments. Then
• 8:27
  Speaker 6: there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now you
• 8:30
  Speaker 6: can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort
• 8:33
  Speaker 6: of your own home and at a time that works
• 8:36
  Speaker 6: for you. Sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting
• 8:39
  Speaker 6: seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. You'll
• 8:43
  Speaker 6: learn how to build a strong connection with your children,
• 8:46
  Speaker 6: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline right.
• 8:50
  Speaker 6: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor
• 8:53
  Speaker 6: Justin Coulson. Download this ninety minute seminar now or purchase
• 8:57
  Speaker 6: the DVD at happy families dot com.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast with doctor Justin Coolson, Luke
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: and Suzy with you here as well. As we talk
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  Speaker 1: today about raising teenagers, but.
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  Speaker 3: In our teen years, we know that's where we make
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  Speaker 3: some of the stupidest decisions in our life. And as
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  Speaker 3: the parents, we're just so desperate to protect them from
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  Speaker 3: bad consequences because because I can go I made stupid decisions,
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: but I actually didn't get I was fortunate enough to not,
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: through good management, avoid the bad consequences. My kids might
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: not be so lucky if they make one mistake, and
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: it could. We sure we have to try and protect them,
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  Speaker 3: and how.
• 9:32
  Speaker 5: Yeah we do. We've got to have limits for them.
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  Speaker 4: They absolutely need limits, but we don't want to be
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  Speaker 4: forcing those limits on them because all that happens is
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: they do what they have to do in the moment
• 9:41
  Speaker 4: because we're there and they're under surveillance, but there's no
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  Speaker 4: buy in.
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  Speaker 5: It's kind of like, you know, the police.
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  Speaker 4: And I say this with the greatest of respect to
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: the police, but the police are out there to keep
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  Speaker 4: us safe, to protect us, right, and what do we
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: do Whenever we see a policeman while we're driving, We
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: slow right down. We do exactly what they want us
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  Speaker 4: to be doing. We are seen to be doing the
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  Speaker 4: right thing.
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  Speaker 2: Even if we're not speeding.
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: Once we're around the corner and they can't see us anymore,
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  Speaker 4: what do we all too often do.
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  Speaker 5: Let's say it's a seventi zone.
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  Speaker 4: We might only accelerate to seventy four. You know, we're
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: not really speeding, are we will? Actually we're breaking the rules.
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  Speaker 4: Our kids might not really want to go out and
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: break all the rules, but once we're out of sight,
• 10:27
  Speaker 4: they will if we're constantly forcing them. The best thing
• 10:31
  Speaker 4: to do is, rather than doing things to them, is
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: to work with them. I say this all the time.
• 10:34
  Speaker 4: We've got to work with our kids, and the best
• 10:36
  Speaker 4: way that we can do that is we I think
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: I've talked about the three ease with you at least
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: once before. We need to explain what we expect and
• 10:43
  Speaker 4: why provide a rationale. We need to explore how it
• 10:46
  Speaker 4: is for them see the world through their eyes, and
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: then we need to empower them to make good decisions.
• 10:51
  Speaker 4: The data tells us that when we go through a
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: process like that with our teenagers, yeah, they'll still do
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: some dumb stuff every now and again. They might even
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: get heard, but they're much less less likely to do
• 11:00
  Speaker 4: as much dumb stuff, and they're much less likely to
• 11:03
  Speaker 4: get hurt, and they're much more likely to make wiser,
• 11:06
  Speaker 4: better decisions because they don't feel forced. They feel like
• 11:09
  Speaker 4: they've made the decisions themselves with a bit of guidance
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: from us.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: Let's say you go through those steps, and you go
• 11:15
  Speaker 3: through them, well, but there's still this impass and you've
• 11:17
  Speaker 3: explained the rationale, You've gone through everything, and they still
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: say I think you're wrong, and you say I think
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: I'm right. Is that where do you Is there a
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: line where you say, well, I'm boss.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: It depends. It depends on what the issue is. In
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: some instances, you might say, you know what, you're seventeen
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: years old. I'm done arguing with you. You are going
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: to have to be responsible for this yourself, and it's
• 11:42
  Speaker 4: up to you. Let's say it's schoolwork, for example, this
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: is what I expect, you're not doing it. That means
• 11:48
  Speaker 4: that you're not going to get that shortcut to UNI,
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: and it means that you are setting yourself up for
• 11:52
  Speaker 4: a very different life to the one that you've told
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: me you want. Then again, you might say, you know what,
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: there are some decisions that parents have to make and
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: this is one of them, and I wish that it
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: wasn't like this. But until we can work on this
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: effectively together, it's my rule that stands. Let's say it's alcohol, okay,
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: or consumption of other sort of illicit substances. You might
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: just say, we don't do that. We don't do it. It
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: won't happen in my house, and I'll do everything I
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: can to protect you. It's illegal, it's not safe, it's
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: damaging your brain, it's putting you at tremendous risk, it's
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: putting others at risk. I'm not going to be associated
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: with it. It won't happen, and so it really just does.
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: It does depend It might be the boyfriend's sleeping over
• 12:33
  Speaker 4: or the girlfriends sleeping over you know, everybody's got their
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: own morality and their own views on that. But in
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: my home, my girls know, you don't bring the boyfriend home.
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: I mean, he can come over and hang out, but
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: there's a certain time, and once we hit that time,
• 12:48
  Speaker 4: he goes home, and there's no one indoors in bedrooms
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: with doors closed and all that sort of stuff. We've
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: got rules, and that's how it will always be in
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: our home. But there's a whole lot of other rules
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: that are you know, Look, I decided We've talked it
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: through again and again and again. Clearly I'm not getting through.
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: I don't have the energy to fight this one.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: So that it would come down to the moral conviction
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: and the strength and importance of that moral conviction and
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: the potential significant consequences of going the wrong way right,
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: So you weigh.
• 13:17
  Speaker 5: That up exactly.
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: I call it principles versus preferences. Some thing's on principle.
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: I'm the parent, and these are my principles and that's
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: all there is to it. And some things are preferences.
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: I'll leave it to you. I've got a preference, you've
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: got a preference, But nobody's really going to be harmed
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: or damaged. You might not do as well in year
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: twelve as you'd like to. You might end up in
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: this situation or this situation while.
• 13:40
  Speaker 5: But it's a.
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: Preference, not a hard and fast, principal moral conviction kind
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: of thing.
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: And I think about saying that homework example too, because
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: in the long term there are consequences, but one moment
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: here and there, in the midst of that fight is
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: not going to necessarily make that big difference, because you
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: might give a little bit of slack and then they
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: suddenly their brain kicks in for themselves. Actually, this isn't
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: what I want. I want to do it that way
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: and start to study again because the consequences of this
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: one choice may not be actually bad and give them time.
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and we've got to have a conversation at some
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: point about the pressure that we put our kids under
• 14:14
  Speaker 4: for year twelve, by the way, because I mean.
• 14:16
  Speaker 5: You think about it.
• 14:17
  Speaker 4: Think about how many of us are actually doing now
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: what we wanted to do when we're in year twelve.
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: How many of us have grown up, gone to UNI,
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: had the perfect career and everything just sort of worked out.
• 14:27
  Speaker 5: Now. I know that some people are, but most of.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Us I'd be doing your taxes right now, if I
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: did what I want to do with it, I was
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: in grade twelve.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: Well, and the several years after yeah finished that you
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: did well?
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: You changed the degree part way through. Yeah, I did.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I was going to be an accountant since I was thirteen.
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: Until three years after you you'd stretched out on the
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: couch and should be given your therapy as well.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: Life didn't turn.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Out for you at all now, it's true, but I
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: like there's a lot of really gold gems in what
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: you've gold gems, a lot of gold in what you've
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: told us today and gems, and I think you know
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: a couple of really good keys in what you've said.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Remember what it was like to be a teenager. The
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: three e's that you gave us, I think is a
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: really critical point.
• 15:12
  Speaker 5: Explain, explore, and power.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely beautiful, and take the change of relationship as
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: it comes. We're not always to be the authority figure,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: but continue to be a guide through those teenagers.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Brilliant and if.
• 15:25
  Speaker 5: All else fails, show me your badge.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: It might stop the bull, but it would make you
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: feel better.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: I think I was a bit of a questionable teenager,
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: but just the bull reminds me of my sister in
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: the morning when she was a teen. My mum was
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: telling me, as a grown woman, don't mess with her
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: in the morning. Doctor Justin Kilson, thank you so much.
• 15:50
  Speaker 5: That's great. Thanks Scott.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: For more resources on this and loads of other parenting topics,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: including books, DVDs, and online resources and courses, go to
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Happy Families dot com. A you, and if you were
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: thinking you might like to have doctor Justin Coilson speak
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: for your group or school, you can find more info
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: on how that can happen at Justinculson dot com.