Latest / Dear Son, / Fathers, Cling to Your Daughters | Obedience, Fatherhood, and Leaving What’s Familiar | EP 174

Transcript

Fathers, Cling to Your Daughters | Obedience, Fatherhood, and Leaving What’s Familiar | EP 174 · Dear Son,

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: All right, let's get it.
• 0:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to the DS on show.
• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: We have meaningful conversations about life through the lens of fatherhood, typically.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: March is women's history's month.
• 0:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we are bringing back the series.
• 0:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Trying to say consistent for you guys.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: And we got an amazing guest joining us in this first guest in the studio for the women's series.
• 0:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, Jasmine Jones, how you feeling?
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm feeling good.
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Good.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I'm grateful to be here.
• 0:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for inviting me, y'all.
• 0:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm glad you drove that whole lot where she told me.
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I said, how much is that a whole lot?
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, wow.
• 0:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, yeah.
• 0:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I feel good.
• 0:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Good.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: Good week.
• 0:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Great week.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: My parents are here.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so today they go back.
• 0:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: They've been here for two weeks.
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, no time.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a miss.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
• 0:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Last time my parents came.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: It was about two weeks.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two weeks is a good.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two weeks is a good time.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Good about time.
• 1:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he's like, okay now.
• 1:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: We got a lot of kids, so it's not that they were in my business and our business at all, but my family is still in Virginia.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: I grew up in Virginia.
• 1:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: So we moved out here with really nobody here before that we lived overseas.
• 1:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: So it's...
• 1:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: We used to come home and go to everybody's house now.
• 1:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's like, hey, guys, we're here.
• 1:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm going to have to come on there because there is no deal for seven tickets.
• 1:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: I got five kids.
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, wow.
• 1:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: People like tickets are only.
• 1:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's not enough.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Exactly.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think it passed forward.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: That does not deal for.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: 17 years.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm convinced.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm convinced.
• 1:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: How was your conference?
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was great.
• 1:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was amazing.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It really was.
• 1:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was shocked of the outcome.
• 1:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, you know how you have all of these thoughts.
• 1:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or I have all of these thoughts of like what if they don't go the way it's issued or the way I plan.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: exceedingly abundantly.
• 2:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: That part.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, um, the people showed up.
• 2:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had so much support, so much help, where it just went so smoothly.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, my guess speakers that I had, they was amazing.
• 2:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, they poured into those women.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was very powerful.
• 2:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.
• 2:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, let's, let's start there since we did.
• 2:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: What, what was, how did you get to the conference?
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: What was the conference about?
• 2:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I get there by last year, I was basically confirmation at the confirmation so write a book and I prayed on it and prayed on it and God was like, yes.
• 2:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my book is called when God says go and I told my testimony on how God called me to leave everything familiar in Chicago and move here to Dallas Texas and I wrote that book.
• 3:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I believe like within the first week, I had somebody reach out to me to speak at their conference in November in New York.
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I went to the conference, I spoke as a guest speaker, and she called me out of all of the guest speakers like, it's time for you to start your own conference.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Really?
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 3:29
  [SPEAKER_02]: You hadn't thought about it before then?
• 3:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Never thought about it.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: So how tough was it for you to write the book?
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Once I got out of my head, it went smoothly.
• 3:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: But it took me a little minute to get out of my head.
• 3:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was saying, at least, almost two months.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: There's a thing.
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know who's going to help.
• 3:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: Who going this conversation?
• 3:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because I'm not the same way.
• 3:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: But hopefully that gets somebody good.
• 3:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I even started this, what I call the show now in the podcast, got up with it on my spirit in 20, 20, September 2020.
• 4:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: I did record a trailer for it.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: I put it up and kind of reserved the name.
• 4:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: I did nothing for what year.
• 4:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: September 2021, I put out the first episode and kind of been rolled in ever since.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I, I don't know.
• 4:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: I've been talking about it lately in terms of just struggling with,
• 4:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: I actually believe it's worthiness.
• 4:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Though I haven't called it that, I've been saying success, I've been saying other things.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: I've had a life before in corporate that was pretty successful.
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I find myself comparing now to that and it doesn't look the same.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: But honestly, I don't, I think I've been hiding behind am I actually worthy of whatever comes with this?
• 4:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because telling your story is important,
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, as I tell my story, I realize how jacked it, how it was, like, man, is the duty just to tell the story, should I be expecting, should I receive, you know, the the rewards from it, how are you dealing with the other side of it, like, I don't know if you consider yourself successful, at this point, like how are you dealing with what comes was coming from obedience.
• 5:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I'm still just shocked of everything.
• 5:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm still at all in surprise of just how God opened doors and been blessing me.
• 5:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm very humble.
• 5:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: My kids, my family, they're called like, girl, look how many followers you got.
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Look at the, and I don't pay attention to the numbers.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I honestly don't.
• 5:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, two or three times more than me, and just want to do the math.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and um, it just, like you said, your obedience will open up a door.
• 5:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just still in shock every day I wake up just because I surrendered in our obey.
• 5:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: God, just, um, the gates of heaven just overflowing over my life.
• 5:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm just still blown away that honestly.
• 6:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, yes, and now that's all about no.
• 6:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 6:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, you know, as kids, you, I was a sneaky child.
• 6:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: I would say, you know, I'm the princess.
• 6:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't do nothing.
• 6:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm very quiet, but behind closed doors.
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm trying to get into something.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm very curious trying to, you know, figure some things out on my own.
• 6:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that was the no part.
• 6:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, what was your environment like, what was like, who was in the house, my, both of my parents.
• 6:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're still married.
• 6:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: They have been married.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I don't want to get it wrong.
• 6:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: 47 48 years.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 6:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I have six siblings.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 6:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's seven of us.
• 6:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: What do you fall in the order?
• 6:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I am the baby girl and I have a younger brother.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's about eight years younger than me.
• 6:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, that's knee baby.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 7:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: Second youngest is still knee baby.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
• 7:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Thanks.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Seven.
• 7:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: I grew up in the house of two.
• 7:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: So having five kids now was a shot.
• 7:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: My wife was the oldest of three and three kids to be was a big family.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, so we never.
• 7:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: We never decided to have five, like, yeah, it's a sad thing.
• 7:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, she kept getting pregnant.
• 7:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 7:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: I said, like, figure that out without it.
• 7:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: But we had the three, and then we had a gap.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: We thought we were done, and then 2013 and 2014, we had kids back to back.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I enjoyed it.
• 7:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't still think that I would have fared well with a bunch of brothers and sisters.
• 7:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: What was your experience going up with a bunch of,
• 7:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: siblings.
• 7:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Honestly, it's gaps between my siblings.
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my brother, who is right over me, he's about four years older than me.
• 7:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: But then the brother that's older than him is about nine years older than me, didn't even love it.
• 8:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have a sister that is 18 years older than me.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 8:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, as I was growing up, most of them was either, you know, adults or, you know, teenagers.
• 8:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I grew up with my nieces and nephews.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Makes sense.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: My mom and my older sister was pregnant at the same time.
• 8:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I have a niece that six days older than me.
• 8:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those were the answers you had.
• 8:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I do.
• 8:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they actually lived with us until I probably turned about six.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: and it was still a full house because now is my siblings and their kids.
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I believe it was about five of my nieces and nephews this day with us.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so we had a busy day every day.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: A fun day, very exciting day for the kids I would say.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: And this was then Chicago.
• 8:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, this was
• 9:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Chicago, maybe 20 minutes, can you miss city?
• 9:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
• 9:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Is there anything that people typically get wrong about Chicago because of the media?
• 9:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, no.
• 9:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is really what it is, what they say it is.
• 9:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: I close proximity, did you come to those apartment?
• 9:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, when I got, when I got grown and had my own kids, I moved to the west side of Chicago.
• 9:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the area that I stayed in when that complex I stayed in wasn't as bad, but literally across the street.
• 9:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, they're shooting all night people dying every other day.
• 9:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it was, it was pretty bad.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: How did, how did you land there, given the contrast to how you came up?
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, my boy's father, his siblings lived in the same complex, so we basically moved where his family was at.
• 10:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, okay, parents are still married.
• 10:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: What do you remember most about, um, growing up with, with two parents, with, with, uh, what values and, uh, we're instilled in you that kind of shape for you all today.
• 10:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 10:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so with my parents being together, I can honestly say, uh, me and my dad relationship was, um, a great relationship.
• 10:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: My dad, um, he's so funny.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: He is so funny.
• 10:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: But he's very supportive.
• 10:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's so loving.
• 10:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: He has always been a
• 10:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: just how to live with integrity.
• 10:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: And both of them just really shaped and motivated me into who I am today.
• 10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I just remember as a little girl, my mom teaching me like the basics of just being a woman and being, you know, having this respect for yourself,
• 11:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm showing me how to cook, how to clean, how to care for myself and others around me.
• 11:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, I was cooking for the whole family by the age of 10.
• 11:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, um, my dad, um, I'm glad I'm growing.
• 11:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: He is, he, he know it, but um, he taught me how to drive before I was 11.
• 11:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: That used to be a thing.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 11:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: That used to be a thing.
• 11:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: I remember,
• 11:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like going to the grocery store, when I was young, my dad would let me sit in his lap and try and leave him like steer when it was time to go pick up.
• 11:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 11:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: I was just trying to find all this out.
• 11:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: So that was the thing.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: What kind of, what kind of man was?
• 11:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, my dad is a very selfless man.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just full of love.
• 11:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: He is, um,
• 12:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: very patient.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's a provider.
• 12:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, he will take his shirt off.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Before I was even born, my dad was the president of a youth football team in Dalton, Illinois called Dalton Bears.
• 12:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I remember when I did join the team, I think I was about five years old.
• 12:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was a cheerleader.
• 12:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: My dad will leave the house early to go pick up the football players if they parents would still at work.
• 12:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was times where it was games on the weekend and the parents had to be at work.
• 12:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: My dad will clean he had a mini van.
• 12:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: He will clean all of the seats out of the back.
• 12:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, you know, it could just be an open environment.
• 12:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, it's like 10 to 12 people.
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's picking up football players and cheerleaders.
• 12:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was not only a father to the seven children he had, but just to the community as well.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 12:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, uh...
• 13:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: I wasn't sure enough.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: Check it out.
• 13:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I was okay with sharing them.
• 13:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And um, he made sure he had enough time for everybody.
• 13:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: He, he knew how to balance life and just all those responsibilities where I'm still over here like, how did you do it?
• 13:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: How did your relationship, um, grow as you matured and you started making decisions, maybe something he agreed with, maybe something he
• 13:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: how available was heat to you when maybe you didn't do the right thing in his eyes.
• 13:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know you were a princess in all that I get it, but when you did, we did step off the pair.
• 13:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I can say in high school, I started to be just a little bit rebellious.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Come in from just some trauma that I had dealt with in fourth and fifth grade where I just had anger built up.
• 14:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I know in high school.
• 14:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Everybody loved me, but I was the type of person to.
• 14:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: take up for people.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I remember just starting in sixth grade, I used to get bullied.
• 14:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it wasn't so much at school.
• 14:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was with, you know, some family members and stuff.
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I couldn't defend myself because they was much bigger than me.
• 14:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: But when I would get to school and I would see other people bully people, I would get so angry and I'm fighting.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 14:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: So in high school, I mean, it got really bad where they was like, she finna get kicked out.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: She ain't gonna graduate and my dad, oh, I know right, he was like, you know, he was a little disappointing.
• 14:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was hard for me to even explain why I was the way I was.
• 15:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know about childhood trauma and why I was so angry.
• 15:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I used to be mad at my, like, you don't know what's going on.
• 15:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like, I'm not just bullying people.
• 15:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, because he'll call me a bully.
• 15:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we had that stage where we wasn't agreeing.
• 15:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I wasn't looking at him like the, the child of you when he's like, you know, taking us out of town and riding bikes with me, it was just like, you don't understand me.
• 15:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't wanna talk to you anymore, type of thing.
• 15:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: How big did that gap get?
• 15:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I asked because I'm from a two-pan household as well.
• 15:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: My dad was in a home grade there.
• 15:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: I just didn't agree with a bunch of stuff.
• 15:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I'm a child.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 15:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm like, would you children know about raising children?
• 15:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I would kind of position myself to not be where he was.
• 15:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, if he's coming home, I'm leaving him.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: I got my license, it was a wrap.
• 15:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 15:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I created this big gap.
• 16:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: and how it's like unnecessarily, right?
• 16:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: And that's really the impetus of how the show started was, because I created so much distance with him, I found myself giving my oldest son distance that he didn't want, right?
• 16:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Just thinking that he wanted me to just be cool and be hands on, I beg to the gap get between you and your dad.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: some years, so I was in high school.
• 16:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I started to not talk to my dad, probably, like my junior year.
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't start back having a relationship, probably until my second son was born, which,
• 16:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: six, seven years since my junior year, yeah, so it was a while still in the same house for no so I end up I got pregnant and college I moved back home for about five months right beat right after I had my first child that is when me and my boys father moved into our own place but in high school you were still in the
• 17:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: What was the environment like with that kind of all, that kind of friction?
• 17:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, honestly, my dad isn't a big talker.
• 17:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh.
• 17:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he don't really communicate like that.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 17:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't a big deal.
• 17:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, it was like,
• 17:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I met at him, he don't talk any way.
• 17:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I ain't gonna spark up a conversation.
• 17:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And most times I would hurry up and go in my room and then I remember getting a car like the end of my junior year.
• 17:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like you said, I would be gone.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: True.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 17:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm outta here.
• 17:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: What sparked the reconnection at what point was it something that,
• 17:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: you realize you need to him.
• 17:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: He realized that this was just not what it should, like how did it, how did y'all connect again?
• 18:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Having kids, me having kids and having boys, my dad was still involved with downstairs.
• 18:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, um,
• 18:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He mentioned, you know, putting my oldest son on the team, my youngest was still too small.
• 18:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we will drive from the West Side of Chicago to the suburbs, but my son to play football.
• 18:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's how it's slowly, you know, we slowly gain the relationship back.
• 18:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, any pivotal moments like, uh,
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like me and my dad didn't have a sit down like, hey man, let's be cool again.
• 18:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: I just kind of became open to him, giving me information, and he never pushed me away.
• 18:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not suggesting it's your father did at all, either.
• 18:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: But what, like, how did it, when did you look up and realize, like, I got my dad back?
• 18:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Not that he left, but I understand, but this is back.
• 18:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: We back home.
• 18:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never recognized it honestly.
• 19:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so like, maybe a couple years ago, like, just looking back over my life and just seeing the strong relationship that I have with my dad and reminiscing, like,
• 19:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wow, okay.
• 19:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Like you said, we never sat down and had a conversation because it wasn't nothing like, you know, oh, I hate you.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to talk to you.
• 19:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was just me just shutting him out.
• 19:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my dad was the type of man where he'll tell you, like, hey, you think you grow.
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm gonna let you go ahead and be grown.
• 19:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he said back and I mean, he kept a close
• 19:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's really, honestly.
• 19:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, I would like to say that because I was about to ask, like, what was the first moment that you can recall when you realized that a Dalton really ain't all this cracked up to be?
• 19:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I had my first shout.
• 19:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 19:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was 20 when I heard him, I first saw him.
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I saw him.
• 19:56
  [SPEAKER_02]: What was the relationship like between your sons father?
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, at the time, we were still in the relationship.
• 20:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 20:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, that was my best friend before we got into a relationship.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: And um, who crossed a lie?
• 20:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He did.
• 20:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and I get, oh, yeah, he did, but I gave it because he tried for many, many months before I finally gave it.
• 20:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, how long were your friends before that?
• 20:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, maybe like two years.
• 20:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, we was very close because, um, like I told you, my trauma as a young girl, I was always fighting and when we got the college, we go to parties, came nobody's say none to my friends or I'm fighting steel.
• 20:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was really bad, um, everybody called me like, hey, so and so bothering me, I need you to beat them up and, um, it was just a thrill to me because everybody
• 21:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's how deep it was.
• 21:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, my kids father, he was always fighting, and always into something.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, y'all can't just be.
• 21:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: That part.
• 21:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: OK. That part.
• 21:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: We should show up for him when y'all was back the back in the end.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: So they didn't know about anyone about us.
• 21:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that is how we got into a relationship.
• 21:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: How much is he like your father?
• 21:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's nothing like my dad.
• 21:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: think there's any correlation to kind of the gap in between you and your dad and how you chose eight times.
• 21:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: It could have been, but I know I chose due to my trauma and the fact of me thinking I'm this big, bad girl and not really the good girl that I really was.
• 21:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I chose off of
• 21:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: um who I was at that moment.
• 22:00
  [SPEAKER_03]: Okay.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 22:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't want nobody soft.
• 22:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I needed somebody that's going fight.
• 22:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's going be ready.
• 22:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: The nugget of you buck type of person.
• 22:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I would say he was definitely a provider when he was together.
• 22:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: That is something that he had like my father.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 22:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: Me, your dad have a relationship though.
• 22:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: They did.
• 22:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: They still do.
• 22:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: Really?
• 22:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 22:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Clats with.
• 22:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: Homey's.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yep.
• 22:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: They still cool.
• 22:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: After we broke up, he has a sign.
• 22:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: His sign is actually on down there as his wheel.
• 22:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of course.
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: So they pretty cool.
• 22:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Is where there any um did your dad see anything along the way, and I'm not trying to get into the business of who he is, but I have a daughter that's have, well, I have something I have a daughter 22 with daughter that's 20.
• 23:00
  [SPEAKER_02]: actions have results.
• 23:02
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not going to say consequence because we love the grandchild right now was a gift from God.
• 23:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: It's tough as a father watching your daughter be an adult and choose how you wouldn't choose for her.
• 23:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why?
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: I dare have your had any conversations about
• 23:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: your choices and he thought maybe he said, you know, yeah, we had the conversation when I separated from my husband.
• 23:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't, no, not the same person.
• 23:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it wasn't a conversation that was had before I started today.
• 23:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, only because of high school, I wasn't into boys.
• 23:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was a tomboy.
• 23:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yes.
• 23:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm playing basketball, I'm playing flag football, and um, I went thinking about boys.
• 23:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it was like once I left the house, that's when I started to get in relationships.
• 24:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my dad wasn't around me to tell me, you know, or to even see the type of people that I was choosing.
• 24:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 24:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: How do you think it would have been different if he was?
• 24:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I say if he was not that he wasn't around y'all weren't around each other, not that he left.
• 24:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: But he probably would have gave me some advice.
• 24:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And you think it would have listened?
• 24:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Probably not.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, probably not.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It probably would have been after my boys father and before I got Mary, I would have listened, but if he would have told me, like, oh, no, don't deal with him.
• 24:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: My child, I wouldn't have listened.
• 24:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: But after that heartbreak, I was like searching for, you know, some type of answers and somebody to be there.
• 24:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: That's that's interesting to say that because I was I was about to ask,
• 24:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: what you saw in the man you married, that was different from the father of your children.
• 25:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the man I married, I saw my dad, what I thought was my dad.
• 25:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, when I first met him, of course, he knew I had two kids, two boys, he stepped up and he was a stepfather, um, he would, uh, we end up moving in together after a couple of months.
• 25:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, um,
• 25:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's helping with all the bills.
• 25:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's cooking, he's cleaning, he's taking the boys to school.
• 25:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: If I'm tired and overwhelmed because I was going to cosmatology school and working.
• 25:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: He'll take them to Chuckie cheese, take them to practice.
• 25:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was that dude, you know, and I'm like, wow, I found my guy, and I seen a lot of my dad in him.
• 26:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: What happened?
• 26:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: You think it was, you said, two bucks, all were, you moved in with then, with then, two bucks.
• 26:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: What, what, what, what, what change?
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, as much as you get a set.
• 26:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So.
• 26:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wasn't as spiritual as I am now.
• 26:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had just gained a relationship with God.
• 26:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe like four or five months before I met.
• 26:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who's my ex-husband now?
• 26:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I didn't know about the discernment that you need.
• 26:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't know about people actually pretending, you know, and wearing a mask.
• 26:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I was getting those,
• 26:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: moments where God was like, no, but I was like, maybe this me because I've just got out of relationship with my kids father.
• 26:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was single for a year and a half and I did a date between that time.
• 27:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm like, okay, maybe that's just me.
• 27:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm scared.
• 27:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't want to get hurt again.
• 27:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was like, you know, sure that thought like now, he's a really good guy.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is it not to love
• 27:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: He wanted to get married within three months.
• 27:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, nah, nah, yeah.
• 27:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he's like, oh, I just know what I want.
• 27:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm ready to settle down.
• 27:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't have kids before we got together.
• 27:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he was like, my, my time is taking, you know, I want to have kids.
• 27:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I want to settle down.
• 27:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, time ain't taking.
• 27:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 27:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have kids at 60 bad.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 27:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: But I get what he said.
• 27:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 27:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, um,
• 27:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I told him no, not yet.
• 27:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's just wait a little bit.
• 27:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: He proposed to me nine months after us being together.
• 27:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: On his birthday day after Christmas, and of course, I say, yeah, and we was planning this whole wedding, my older brother got murdered.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I wanted to have my wedding on his birthday, which is August 11th.
• 28:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's the date that we set for that next year, 2018.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: As we planned in the wedding, two, three weeks later,
• 28:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not doing till September 18th.
• 28:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, ain't no way.
• 28:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm walking down the aisle, looking like a big fat cow.
• 28:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, and I don't want to wait because I've seen this dress.
• 28:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Who's to say I'ma get back to the size of I am now?
• 28:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: So instead of us pushing it back until after the baby, we pushed it up.
• 28:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we got Mary and April, instead of August.
• 28:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: And shortly after the wedding, the mask fell off.
• 28:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: How much did he know about you?
• 28:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: to present himself in a way that was attractive to you.
• 29:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know, I said, like, where you, like, did you give them a playbook?
• 29:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: Kind of, or like, what did he know about you to be?
• 29:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: What he needed to be for those three months to get to I do?
• 29:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 29:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, he did.
• 29:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I'm a big communicator.
• 29:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 29:17
  [SPEAKER_02]: And, um, don't waste it then you talk about it.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 29:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 29:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we was going out like maybe every other day.
• 29:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we just having conversations, you know about his past, his relationships, it things like that.
• 29:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, he taking notes on my past relationships and the things that I'm looking for in the man.
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And all of that, he knew about my dad, he knew about my kids father.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I mean, I told him probably within,
• 29:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: two months really my whole life.
• 29:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, man.
• 29:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I got I got I got a daughter's in.
• 30:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I am.
• 30:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: nervous because I don't know the intentions of others.
• 30:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not necessarily nervous in terms of how I did it did not prepare them.
• 30:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: I know that things that I could have done better.
• 30:15
  [SPEAKER_02]: But just there's so much that it's so easy to give away all of who you are, especially with social media.
• 30:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't even know that guys approach women anymore.
• 30:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: At that stage, it's like you, you know them.
• 30:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: You met them because you loved them online first.
• 30:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like you felt a love with who they presented.
• 30:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Those things, those things scared me.
• 30:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: When the mass came off, you and your dad were back in conversation at this time.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: How did he help you through that process?
• 30:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I'm asleep, nobody knew what I was going through with my husband until I was done.
• 31:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a very private person and um, even though I didn't have this strong relationship with God at the time when I walked down the aisle, I started gaining a relationship with him and I started to take my marriage.
• 31:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: very serious.
• 31:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it was very sacred to not only, you know, God, but me as well.
• 31:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So the things that we dealt with within our marriage, I wasn't running to tell people about it.
• 31:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I was praying about it.
• 31:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And just asking God to restore our marriage.
• 31:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when my dad found out, it was really just at the end.
• 31:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was really when I was done and not the one to tell, the abuse wasn't just towards me no more.
• 31:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was towards my kids.
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Fizzable.
• 32:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: It wasn't physical, mentally emotional.
• 32:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I okay that it's, yeah.
• 32:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I had bought my kids a place station because I feel bad.
• 32:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm like my dad.
• 32:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So whenever the opportunity appears, I'm taking my kids on trips.
• 32:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this was the first spring break.
• 32:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I couldn't take them at a time because I was working a different job.
• 32:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, um, I'm being going, okay, I don't want all of these electronic devices in my house, so they didn't have a game system at home.
• 32:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: They will go to my parents' house or their father house and play the game.
• 32:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt so bad that I couldn't take them on this trip that I'm like, you know what?
• 32:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'ma go ahead and get them this place station, they've been being in four.
• 32:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I took them to a hotel that night before and I surprised them and took them to, I think best by to get this place station.
• 32:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: They were so excited about it.
• 33:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We got home and at the time.
• 33:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, my ex has been now.
• 33:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: He had the Wi-Fi.
• 33:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, I told him, Mike, hey, I had to cut some hours.
• 33:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't afford it because he decided to get his own Wi-Fi for his game system, saying like all these devices that's on here and is.
• 33:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Flint shit, whatever I don't know, like lagging that's what he was saying.
• 33:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he got his own and then I've mentioned to him like, hey, I'ma have to cut off my Wi-Fi, but whenever I'm working for home from home, I'ma have to use, you know, the Wi-Fi.
• 33:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was okay with that.
• 33:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, my boys have to download their games and stuff.
• 33:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they know how he is.
• 33:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he will say, that's just not me.
• 33:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Y'all just be overreacting, whatever.
• 33:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: my boys was so scared to hook up their device to his Wi-Fi.
• 33:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, just go ahead and do it.
• 34:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's sleep.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do y'all need the Wi-Fi at the entire time.
• 34:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: They said, no, once our game download, we not go need it.
• 34:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I said, okay, go ahead and do it.
• 34:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: As they download in the game, he wakes up.
• 34:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the first thing he do is go to the basement to start playing his game.
• 34:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I don't know what there was lagging or what, but he knew it was a device or something connected.
• 34:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: He went upstairs, went in a room, and he disconnected their game system from the Wi-Fi, and it wasn't turned down loaded.
• 34:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I didn't know none of this because I was at my office working.
• 34:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: My old is boy come down stairs and he just looking so sad I'm like, what's wrong?
• 34:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was like, just nothing.
• 34:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: They're my youngest son come and he's crying.
• 34:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they was just so excited about this game.
• 34:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: We stopped at my parents' house to get an extra controller from my brother, and they tell them my dad, yeah, we finished hook up our game.
• 34:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: We're gonna be able to play this.
• 34:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: So my dad excited with them the next day after school, we live really close to my parents.
• 35:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: My boys get to my parents' house while I'm still at work.
• 35:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, how is our game?
• 35:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: How you outplayed the game?
• 35:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then he was like, we didn't.
• 35:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he was like, what?
• 35:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they told him what happened.
• 35:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when I got out for work, my dad pulled me to the side and had the conversation like, what's going on?
• 35:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's when he started to know.
• 35:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: OK. That time you already had the end of it.
• 35:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was already.
• 35:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: That was the day before was me.
• 35:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I made up my man.
• 35:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was done.
• 35:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because now you are already abusing me.
• 35:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it's the very toxic.
• 35:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: you're choosing to abuse these kids that's innocent.
• 35:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: What is it like for a woman to be done?
• 35:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: What did it take for you to get there?
• 35:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: And do you think today, like, your tolerations different than this day?
• 36:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, it took a lot of prayer,
• 36:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: For a woman, we gonna give a man chance at the chance, especially if we love him.
• 36:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: I gave him countless chances, and so for me to be done, I couldn't have been done on my own.
• 36:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know only guy gave me that strength to really get the courage and the strength to walk away.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 36:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my tolerance now, I might not have none of them.
• 36:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I can't because you would tolerate some things and you know people take your weakness, you know your kindness for weakness.
• 36:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: They would think, you know, he took me as a joke because I would say some things and then I say, I'm done, you know, this is it.
• 36:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't do it no more.
• 36:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then now I'm taking back what I said two weeks later.
• 37:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when I was finally done, he didn't take me
• 37:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: You may say, what would a, well, God, I know that's, I know it's important that you, well, that's how, that's how I, I found it to Joe T, but he sent me a page like her plus God.
• 37:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 37:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Got it.
• 37:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: Got it.
• 37:22
  [SPEAKER_02]: But you've kind of threaded that through this whole conversation.
• 37:25
  [SPEAKER_02]: What, was it a leading back to God?
• 37:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like were you introduced at a young age or was this your own, like initial discovery when you started pursuing that relationship?
• 37:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, um, every since I could remember I was going to church with my parents.
• 37:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 37:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, of course, being a high school, you had church, you ain't really paying attention.
• 37:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't gain a real relationship with God until I got my first heartbreak by my boy's father.
• 38:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I was at church every time the doors was open.
• 38:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wednesday for Bible study, Friday night worship Saturday night, whatever they have it in the morning, Sunday, I'm there.
• 38:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: And so the pastor sent me that so much.
• 38:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was watching me for about three months and I became his assistant at church.
• 38:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even after that, you know, I was still a lukewarm Christian, you know, because I'm still fighting these strongholds.
• 38:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: In my head, I'm like I'm young, I still want to go out.
• 38:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: I still want to have fun with my friends and my family.
• 38:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't really take my relationship with guys series until, I mean, about 20, 22.
• 38:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when I'm just like, okay, I surrender to you guys.
• 38:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm saying yes to you.
• 38:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, my life just been centered around God, every sense.
• 38:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's when God started to open my eyes to, you know, the marriage that I was in, yeah.
• 39:04
  [SPEAKER_02]: How did he react to that, was it a thing that he didn't take serious?
• 39:09
  [SPEAKER_02]: So was it a thing that he just wasn't gonna get on board with?
• 39:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we was going to church together and you're talking about my accent.
• 39:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we was going to church together.
• 39:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: We will try to do Bible study and pray together.
• 39:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I started to notice if I don't act him, he won't go.
• 39:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: So not leading, he was.
• 39:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he was just doing it to satisfy me.
• 39:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then if he was to initiate us go on a church, it was to manipulate me.
• 39:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because he will only initiate it when we haven't talked in a couple days.
• 39:44
  [SPEAKER_02]: Well, say, argument or something.
• 39:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 39:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: When did you pick up on the pattern?
• 39:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, when I was pregnant with my daughter and this is in 2022.
• 39:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this is child 3.
• 39:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is my fourth child.
• 39:58
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 39:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two with your initial baby father and then you and him have two girls.
• 40:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 40:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: What changed about him when y'all had the first one?
• 40:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: Because he wasn't a father when he met you.
• 40:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: He last owned to your children, the life that came with you, and then y'all had one together.
• 40:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: What changed about him if anything when y'all had a child?
• 40:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 40:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: As soon as I had his child, I just started seeing how he started to change towards my boys.
• 40:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he wasn't there.
• 40:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: He wasn't supportive like he used to be.
• 40:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was more so being disciplined and showing love now, just shouldn't amount, not speaking, not talking to him.
• 40:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: So looking back, it was just like, oh, you wanted a child.
• 40:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: and forget my kids, you know.
• 40:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it hurt it just singing like you use my kids to get me and then you just thumb away after you get what you want.
• 41:03
  [SPEAKER_02]: Three boys, one girl.
• 41:05
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two and two.
• 41:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: Two and two, two and two.
• 41:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, she had two girl, okay.
• 41:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Did he want to sign specifically?
• 41:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He never mentioned he wanted to say his one children.
• 41:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: What?
• 41:19
  [SPEAKER_02]: What concerns you about how your boys see life today?
• 41:24
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like, what things are you making important to them, giving your experience in terms of just doing life?
• 41:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Me as a mother, I can't be a father.
• 41:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that a game?
• 41:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Me as a mother, I cannot be a father.
• 41:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's what they do.
• 41:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I know that, and I just try to be the best mother I can.
• 41:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm always praying to ask and God to just help me in the season of being a single parent and being a mother to, you know, I have teenage boys now and just teaching them just basic things that I know as a man they should know and being just seeing okay.
• 42:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not going to do this or I'm not going to allow you to do this because I see how it affects a man when he becomes a adult and a lot of it becomes, you know, childhood trauma where you a man you can't cry.
• 42:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: You a man you can't express your feelings, go shake it off and go on.
• 42:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm not that type of mama.
• 42:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: If you did that type of child.
• 42:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: to not cry because I'm you layered like you throw him but you communicate then you decide sometimes you don't want to tell somebody what's going on.
• 42:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, as a younger child, I was very emotional that I can remember even on pitch pictures.
• 42:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm crying.
• 42:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Fast six years old.
• 42:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm crying.
• 42:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, as I got older and started building that anger, you know, for chat, yeah, I think 56 grade.
• 43:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I wouldn't show a no emotion.
• 43:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's normal.
• 43:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 43:05
  [UNKNOWN]: Um.
• 43:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: I've been intentional about not asking you specifically, but you said it several times the trauma.
• 43:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm.
• 43:14
  [SPEAKER_02]: What was the trauma?
• 43:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um.
• 43:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Trauma.
• 43:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Just being talked about by family.
• 43:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 43:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um.
• 43:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: My body, how I look, um, not being smart enough.
• 43:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, yeah, those things it got me to the point where I remember one time and it's just spending we having this conversation today, I had this conversation yesterday with a friend how I was in the bathroom ready to commit suicide.
• 43:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: And my head of a bottle.
• 43:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: of Ivy Profini was going to take it.
• 43:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And at this time, my family was at the house.
• 43:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: They have in this big party.
• 43:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, and nobody going to even notice, you know, we all got these these uncles.
• 44:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I got this drunk uncle.
• 44:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he's going to the bathroom every five minutes.
• 44:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: We had two
• 44:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: But I guess somebody was in the guest bathroom.
• 44:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he's banging on the door to get to the bathroom.
• 44:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he wouldn't stop.
• 44:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what saved my life.
• 44:25
  [SPEAKER_03]: Wow.
• 44:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 44:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, I was, I wasn't emotional until really tell I had kids.
• 44:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't get that back.
• 44:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: Given the ride that you've been through.
• 44:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: how does all of that shape, how you choose men today if you're in a choosing season?
• 44:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, um, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 44:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Through the lens, that's why I was going through the lens of which your teenage son, see, they see what you accept.
• 44:55
  [SPEAKER_02]: They had a stage now where you lay them over a blueprint that you might recognize.
• 45:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: um, I'm honestly not dating.
• 45:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 45:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I haven't been on a date.
• 45:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't remember.
• 45:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can't recall.
• 45:11
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, but if a guy I can't connect your fellas, I don't.
• 45:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 45:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's just, I know the season I'm in and it requires me to just stay committed to God and my kids and my purpose and I can honestly say, I just don't have the time.
• 45:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't have the energy right now.
• 45:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know how much.
• 45:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: time and energy it is to pour into somebody else.
• 45:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I also know the love that I have for someone and how committed I am.
• 45:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I just can't do it right now.
• 45:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 45:53
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yes.
• 45:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: With song, you mentioned your parents say it was your relationship like what you're there today.
• 45:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, we, we, we, we here.
• 45:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: We, we closed like we knew if he could have came.
• 46:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, he would have loved it too because he was like, now, where you going?
• 46:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: What's going on?
• 46:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: How you feeling?
• 46:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: I would, I should have been, I should have been like, you know, well, bring anybody.
• 46:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I should have asked them to.
• 46:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He would have loved it.
• 46:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, we really closed.
• 46:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's looking up like all of these analytics because now he's just like, on
• 46:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: And um, I'm sure he might be a dad is your that part.
• 46:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and um, he's like okay.
• 46:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this brand reaching out and how much that, you know, so he's just on top of it.
• 46:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's very excited.
• 46:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, He, he has paved the way for me.
• 46:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: He really have, um,
• 46:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was working at the church as a administrator assistant, my pastor told me like, hey, this ain't gonna be long term.
• 46:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Probably like six to eight months.
• 47:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: So on that six months, I'm like, okay, I gotta start looking for me a job for real.
• 47:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I had mentioned some of my dad, like, yeah, I've been applying here applying there.
• 47:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: As soon as I got off the phone with him, he contacted some people called me like, hey, fill out this, it go take this clerical exam and I got into the same high school I graduated from as a administrator assistance because of
• 47:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: just the connections and the relationships that my dad had with people.
• 47:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And they, you know, they was like, okay, you recommended her.
• 47:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I trust you.
• 47:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: And yeah, he has opened doors.
• 47:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even my last job as a finance clerk.
• 47:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: He, it wasn't even an interview, a job application that I
• 47:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: teach the youth how to become entrepreneurs, and that was just going to be me volunteering, and they called me like, hey, we know you want to volunteer, but we got a position, and we love your day, we trust your day, how about, you know, you start here, and it just happened like that.
• 48:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: So the fool, the fool, so name that I don't say much as it started is this
• 48:27
  [SPEAKER_02]: And it's not a bastion show.
• 48:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: I say this episode, my dad is the biggest fan of the show.
• 48:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 48:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: We just didn't have great communication.
• 48:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: He had great communication with his father.
• 48:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: He also never knew a grandfather.
• 48:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: So the audience has heard me say this several times.
• 48:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: This is the first time that we know from documentation that then the John's family that's been a father that has had his father and sons at the same time.
• 48:49
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like there's never, there hasn't been, that we can see.
• 48:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 48:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: He knew of her through the documentation we have going back to the mid-1800s.
• 48:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's a fair question that I asked women too.
• 48:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, it's not a gender-specific question, but what are you, what are you with your father told you?
• 49:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um...
• 49:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: He loved me.
• 49:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I never got that.
• 49:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Still.
• 49:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't recall.
• 49:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Still.
• 49:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 49:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Um, I really wish he was here now.
• 49:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I know right.
• 49:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's gonna watch this because of me like hey, I didn't see that last interview I need that in this one That's really it.
• 49:37
  [SPEAKER_02]: How important is it to you?
• 49:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now that I have kids now that I know how important it is just to
• 49:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let people know, like, hey, I love you for real for real.
• 49:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, like, I know he do because he's shown it, but he haven't said it.
• 49:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I can probably say it because he can't really communicate and express his feelings.
• 50:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: um, without probably getting emotional.
• 50:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 50:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he probably, you know, this big tough guy and like, uh, I don't know, you know, but yeah, that's really it.
• 50:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm going to hit you out the he sees this.
• 50:20
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 50:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: We'll get an update.
• 50:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, what's something that your children would never
• 50:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: the same thing.
• 50:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love you.
• 50:38
  [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, that's front of mine now.
• 50:40
  [SPEAKER_02]: You said often to them.
• 50:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I do.
• 50:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 50:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: If not every day, every other day, you know, if we have this conversation, I try to make sure I spend equal amount of quality time with my kids.
• 50:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: I have four.
• 50:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so, um, yeah, as, as I got older, I got these, like, I got to have a checklist every day of what I'm doing and I make sure one of my kids individual time is on that checklist.
• 51:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: Whereas even if it's just 30 minutes out the day.
• 51:18
  [SPEAKER_02]: And I say it jokingly, because the kids, the different stages, I reference the ages, the stages that end down equal time doesn't have equal results.
• 51:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: Some need different things at different times.
• 51:30
  [SPEAKER_02]: I have one that's so much like me that I got to catch myself from allowing too much time to go by because I know she's just, she's just tell it to the metal.
• 51:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm gonna say, here, shout out to my dirty money who just,
• 51:46
  [SPEAKER_02]: She got accepted into a program that guarantees acceptance into any medical school in Texas.
• 51:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wow, congratulations, I'm money, I'm very proud of you.
• 51:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: First potential doctor and the family, she's the one that's, I've been saying she's an autopilot and I think I said it so much so long that sometimes I got to catch myself.
• 52:07
  [SPEAKER_02]: I think she doesn't need a thing because she's likely to cheat.
• 52:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, that's amazing.
• 52:12
  [SPEAKER_02]: She's a good ally.
• 52:13
  [SPEAKER_02]: That is amazing.
• 52:16
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm trying to balance being proud of her in that.
• 52:21
  [SPEAKER_02]: I don't like it's weird about celebrating.
• 52:23
  [SPEAKER_02]: Not that I don't want to do it, but I don't want to overdo it to where it's like, she believes this is the measure of how I feel about it.
• 52:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 52:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: You know what I'm saying?
• 52:33
  [SPEAKER_02]: Like that kind of thing.
• 52:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but I had to get it all.
• 52:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: She, she's consistently made good choices.
• 52:47
  [SPEAKER_02]: as a model for her siblings.
• 52:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's good.
• 52:50
  [SPEAKER_02]: The older and the younger.
• 52:51
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 52:52
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, what is it, Jugg?
• 52:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: We did say too much about your platforms.
• 52:57
  [SPEAKER_02]: I want to give you an opportunity.
• 52:59
  [SPEAKER_02]: And know we referenced the conference with her plus guy.
• 53:01
  [SPEAKER_02]: What do you want people to know about that?
• 53:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of people think it's just for women.
• 53:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: They think it's just for me.
• 53:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, her is just, it was initially just me.
• 53:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: and God, you know, and then it just started to grow.
• 53:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Her plus God started as a clothing brand.
• 53:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, I was just like selling hoodies and phone cases, but it's just a community of women in me and just knowing that
• 53:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: If it's me and God, and that's it, I can accomplish anything.
• 53:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can overcome all things and just seeing in how when I got this relationship with God, how he changed my life around.
• 53:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: I could not do it without them, so I'm just seeing the opportunities and the doors open and even me being here on today.
• 54:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know it won't nobody but God.
• 54:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: I share my testimony all the time and just helping others navigate through life.
• 54:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: even after disappointment, even after heartbreak, setbacks and just fan that clarity, that confirmation, you know, because you'd be thinking it, but then it's like, I don't just use, you know, social media for confirmation.
• 54:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of course, I read my Bible and I pray, but you pray about something and you'll get on social media and the very thing that you was just praying
• 54:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: the video pop up and I'm like, that's confirmation.
• 54:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Guy has a funny way of confirming things.
• 54:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I will say that, um, a lot of people will say, hey, man, I found show page.
• 54:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was literally just praying about this situation.
• 54:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: And, um, yeah, that's, that's just her plus guide.
• 55:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is, yeah, it's dope, though, just seeing guide, um,
• 55:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: blow my man with it.
• 55:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: My followers and just the things that he has been putting on my heart to continue to grow with her plus guy.
• 55:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't do that, but get him to glory out of it.
• 55:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was nothing but a clothing brand.
• 55:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it has blew up within the last two years that I know I couldn't have did by myself.
• 55:36
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm in the stands ruling.
• 55:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 55:41
  [SPEAKER_02]: And his hurt plus got on all platforms.
• 55:42
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yep.
• 55:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Herbless got on all platforms.
• 55:45
  [SPEAKER_02]: Anything else you want to say in closing?
• 55:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I mean, we talking about fatherhood.
• 55:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, appreciate your father.
• 55:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, so many times we be like man, I wish he would have did this or say it that.
• 56:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: As I grow older and God give me this wisdom, a lot of people do what only they know.
• 56:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: You know, your father could only do what he learned or you know, he was taught.
• 56:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So just appreciate, you know, still love on him.
• 56:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Even if you had a father that wasn't there for given because what I've learned to is
• 56:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Guide is the Father to the Fatherless, and he will always be there whenever you need them to get you through.
• 56:39
  [SPEAKER_02]: We appreciate your guys, God bless you, peace.