Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Does Your Child Feel Worthy?

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Does Your Child Feel Worthy? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. I've been thinking
0:08
Speaker 1: about a question that might sound strange, but it applies
0:11
Speaker 1: to us and it applies to our children. Do you
0:14
Speaker 1: feel worthy? Do you feel like your life has purpose?
0:17
Speaker 1: Please note I didn't ask are you worthy? That's a given.
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Speaker 1: You're human, you have inherent worth, so do your children.
0:24
Speaker 1: But the question I'm asking is do you feel worthy?
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Speaker 1: Do your children go to bed at night with the
0:30
Speaker 1: sense that you lived a life of meaning, that there's
0:33
Speaker 1: purpose to what you're doing. Because what I'm noticing consistently
0:38
Speaker 1: is that the feedback that I get when I run
0:40
Speaker 1: my Raising Resilient Kids presentation, which is the most popular
0:44
Speaker 1: presentation that I deliver by a long way, parents are
0:47
Speaker 1: desperate for their kids to be resilient, but the kids
0:51
Speaker 1: aren't doing the sort of stuff that makes you become resilient,
0:55
Speaker 1: the stuff that makes you feel worthy. Again, I emphasize
0:58
Speaker 1: the kids are worthy, they don't feel worthwhile they don't
1:03
Speaker 1: feel like what they're doing makes them worthy of anything
1:07
Speaker 1: at all. And I'm starting to think that we've got
1:09
Speaker 1: this whole purpose and worthiness and resilience thing backwards. So
1:14
Speaker 1: today on the podcast, Kylie and I are going to
1:16
Speaker 1: puzzle through a few big ideas that I've been playing
1:18
Speaker 1: with around this, like why doing hard things, not comfortable things,
1:25
Speaker 1: is the foundation of resilience and well being, and how
1:30
Speaker 1: I think that we're accidentally robbing our kids of resilience
1:32
Speaker 1: by making life too easy. Stay with us, gooday, Welcome
1:38
Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting
1:40
Speaker 1: solutions every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting
1:44
Speaker 1: podcasts where Justin and Kylie Courson were the parents. Have
1:46
Speaker 1: six kids who are surprising us with their resilience now
1:49
Speaker 1: and then. Although I will highlight at the outset, resilience
1:52
Speaker 1: often does not feel resilient. If you're in the middle
1:56
Speaker 1: of it, it can often feel really hard. Kylie. The
1:59
Speaker 1: word worthy. I love etymology, I love words. I love
2:01
Speaker 1: understanding where they come from. The word worthy comes from
2:03
Speaker 1: the Old English word. And I'm probably going to get
2:06
Speaker 1: this wrong, but it's we your pig. We are pick?
2:09
Speaker 1: Does that sound right?
2:10
Speaker 2: Well, we're a big I'm reading, yes.
2:14
Speaker 1: We o. It's sort of a P. But it's a
2:16
Speaker 1: funny p because it's Old English and I'm not sure
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Speaker 1: if it really is a peek I know, but worthy
2:20
Speaker 1: comes from it, we got a pig. Is that Old
2:22
Speaker 1: English that sounded a bit ivish. I don't even know
2:24
Speaker 1: if that sounded irish. I apologize to anyone who's Irish
2:27
Speaker 1: who's listening. But what it means in the Old English
2:30
Speaker 1: is having value or deserving of honor. And quite often
2:33
Speaker 1: when we talk about kids not doing well, what I've
2:36
Speaker 1: been thinking is, if you're laying on your bed scrolling TikTok,
2:39
Speaker 1: then you haven't done anything that's going to make you
2:41
Speaker 1: feel like it has value or is deserving of honor,
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Speaker 1: and therefore you will not feel worthy. You are. You
2:47
Speaker 1: are inherently as a human you are worthy, but the
2:50
Speaker 1: feeling of worth is different from the actual actuality of
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Speaker 1: being a human who has inherent intrinsic worth and value.
3:00
Speaker 2: I think at the core of it, it comes down
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Speaker 2: to each of us living a life of purpose. When
3:05
Speaker 2: we feel like we're engaged in a worthy cause, whatever
3:09
Speaker 2: that looks like, when we feel like we're using our
3:13
Speaker 2: gifts and talents to make a difference in the world,
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Speaker 2: there's this sense of worthiness.
3:20
Speaker 1: So this is why I want to have this conversation
3:22
Speaker 1: with you, because I feel like we need to even
3:24
Speaker 1: bash that around a little bit. When you say to
3:26
Speaker 1: an eight year old or a fifteen year old, what's
3:30
Speaker 1: the contribution you're making to the world, or what's your
3:33
Speaker 1: purpose as you've just highlighted, they just kind of look
3:36
Speaker 1: at you and go, huh, sorry, way too big. Don't
3:40
Speaker 1: have any comprehension of what you're talking about my purpose?
3:43
Speaker 1: I don't know. Just give me my phone back, right,
3:45
Speaker 1: I just want to stare at my iPad on my laptop.
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Speaker 1: And so here's this tension. You are worthy, your children
3:52
Speaker 1: are worthy, and that's a given. But worth is not
3:56
Speaker 1: just that you are worthy. The feeling of worthiness comes
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Speaker 1: from what you do. It comes from living in alignment
4:02
Speaker 1: with your values, from contributing, from doing things that matter.
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Speaker 1: And also often when we talk about this whole thing
4:07
Speaker 1: about purpose and meaning, their eyes glaze over. They're like,
4:10
Speaker 1: I don't know I even talk to adults about it.
4:12
Speaker 1: I feel like my life is so purposeful, right, I
4:14
Speaker 1: get to go around the country and spend my days
4:17
Speaker 1: talking to people about the most important thing in their lives.
4:19
Speaker 1: How do I make my family happier? That is so
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Speaker 1: meaningful and it gives me, It gives me so much purpose.
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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm genuinely making a contribution in the world.
4:28
Speaker 1: But I talked to a lot of adults who go, well,
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Speaker 1: I'm not because I'm selling real estate. That's what somebody
4:33
Speaker 1: told me. Just recently, somebody else said, I don't feel
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Speaker 1: like I'm making any difference. I'm just driving a truck.
4:39
Speaker 1: I literally spoke to someone who said, I drive from
4:42
Speaker 1: the quarry to whatever the location is and I tip
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Speaker 1: stuff out of my truck and that's it. Like, where's
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Speaker 1: the purpose in that. I'm just living from paycheck to
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Speaker 1: paycheck and doing my thing. And so this conversation is
4:55
Speaker 1: really really hard to talk about and say, well, hang on,
5:01
Speaker 1: how do you get to feel worthy?
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Speaker 2: But it doesn't come down to our job.
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Speaker 1: That's right, But too many people hear it and that's
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Speaker 1: where they go.
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Speaker 2: It really is about who we are. So the conversations
5:13
Speaker 2: we have around the dinner table with our kids, we
5:16
Speaker 2: talk a lot about gratitude, but there are oftentimes where
5:19
Speaker 2: we tapped into who did you help today?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, or what did you do that showed determination
5:23
Speaker 1: and persistence in the face of adversity.
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Speaker 2: And the thing is, we're not celebrating these massive achievements.
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Speaker 2: We're celebrating that we took something off the top shelf
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Speaker 2: for an old lady who couldn't reach the item that
5:37
Speaker 2: she was looking for, or taking the time to help
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Speaker 2: somebody across the road because they were struggling.
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Speaker 1: Oh can I virtue signal a bit and show everyone
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Speaker 1: how full of character and goodness I am and how
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Speaker 1: worthy I am. I went and bought some prawns for
5:49
Speaker 1: dinner the other night. While I was there, I thought,
5:52
Speaker 1: I went to the proper seafood job here at the
5:55
Speaker 1: lalla above I just love and they had oysters and
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Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I'm going to grab a dozen oysters.
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Speaker 1: They only charged me for the prawns. They didn't charge
6:02
Speaker 1: me for the oysters. But I didn't realize that until
6:04
Speaker 1: I was walking to the car, and then I thought,
6:05
Speaker 1: I buy a lot of stuff here, like, surely I
6:07
Speaker 1: can have a dozen oysters for free. And then I
6:09
Speaker 1: was just like, is my integrity worth more than thirty dollars?
6:12
Speaker 1: I think it is. So I went back in and
6:14
Speaker 1: I said, can you just double check? I'm pretty sure
6:16
Speaker 1: you didn't charge me unless I did two transactions without noticing.
6:19
Speaker 1: And she checked and she's like, no, I didn't. And
6:21
Speaker 1: then she was like that was so unusual. But I
6:23
Speaker 1: did something that was hard, and I did something that
6:25
Speaker 1: required some character, and I did something that was meaningful
6:28
Speaker 1: and made a difference. And yeah, it cost me an
6:31
Speaker 1: extra thirty bucks, but I walked out of there and
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Speaker 1: I felt a million dollars even though I just spent
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Speaker 1: an extra thirty dollars, And I just this is the thing, right,
6:37
Speaker 1: If you never do anything worthwhile, if all you do
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Speaker 1: is lay on the living room carpet and stare at
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Speaker 1: a screen, which is what too many kids are doing.
6:43
Speaker 1: If you never struggle, if you never contribute, if you
6:45
Speaker 1: never pushed past your limitations, then you're not going to
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Speaker 1: feel worthy. Regardless of the fact that you are worthy
6:50
Speaker 1: as a human, you're not going to feel worthy. And
6:52
Speaker 1: if you don't feel worthy, you're going to become an anxious,
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Speaker 1: fragile person. You're going to feel like there's a little
7:02
Speaker 1: bit of an issue there.
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Speaker 2: Do you have any data to support this idea?
7:07
Speaker 1: There are a couple of different places that I could
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Speaker 1: go for this. The first is the research distinguished between
7:14
Speaker 1: two kinds of happiness. There's hedonic happiness and there's you
7:17
Speaker 1: dimonic happiness. The idea of hedonic happiness is avoid pain.
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Speaker 2: I think that's what most of us want right seek pleasure.
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Speaker 1: We're looking, we're.
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Speaker 2: Looking for the feel good hormones sick in and they
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Speaker 2: require nothing.
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Speaker 1: He Donic happiness is the Instagram reels. He Donic happiness
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Speaker 1: is the battle of ice cream in front of the TV.
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Speaker 1: He dontic happiness is hanging around with friends and just
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Speaker 1: having a fun conversation. He Donic happiness is letting someone
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Speaker 1: else do the dishes. That's hedonic happiness. You. Domonic happiness
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Speaker 1: is meaning and purpose and growth. It's it's hard in
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Speaker 1: the moment, but it endures, whereas he donnic happiness fades fast.
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Speaker 1: I'll give you a really concrete example. One of my
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Speaker 1: one of my friends in the US who's a professor
8:06
Speaker 1: of psychology at George Mason University's named professor Todd Kashton.
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Speaker 1: He uses the example, you can make a cake and
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Speaker 1: eat it. That's here donic happiness, and so you wait
8:15
Speaker 1: too much of it, of course, but let's go with
8:17
Speaker 1: that's here donic happiness, but the feeling fades fast. Or
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Speaker 1: you can bake a cake and then go and knock
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Speaker 1: on the door of a friend or somebody that you'd
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Speaker 1: like to be friends with and say hey, I made
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Speaker 1: you this, and then you can go in and eat
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Speaker 1: it together. And that's you don't monic happiness. It's harder.
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Speaker 1: It requires you to do something that could be potentially uncomfortable.
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Speaker 1: It takes time and effort, it requires more of you,
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Speaker 1: but it creates meaning and purpose and that's that's the
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Speaker 1: key difference. So if I was to you said, what's
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Speaker 1: the data show, I want to bring that data, that
8:49
Speaker 1: theory back into real life for a sec. I think,
8:53
Speaker 1: and this this is a very broad brush. I know
8:55
Speaker 1: it doesn't apply to everybody, but I think that we're
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Speaker 1: raising our kids on a hedonic diet, and I reckon
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Speaker 1: you could probably give me some really easy examples of
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Speaker 1: how that works without even thinking about it.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest one that comes to me is
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Speaker 2: the kids say I'm bored. Yep, we hand them a
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Speaker 2: screen because we don't have to deal with it then.
9:16
Speaker 1: Or if we don't have them as screen, we just say, well,
9:18
Speaker 1: i'll fix it for you, and we find them something
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Speaker 1: to do. And that thing that we give them to do,
9:23
Speaker 1: it doesn't ever require anything of them. Right. Well, every
9:26
Speaker 1: now and again, some presis will say, well, there's a
9:28
Speaker 1: car to be washed. There's a lot to be mote.
9:29
Speaker 1: There's some dishes in the thing, but usually it's like, well,
9:32
Speaker 1: let me find an activity that you will find pleasurable
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Speaker 1: and delightful and will require very little of you. Can
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Speaker 1: you think of any other ways that we're raising kids
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Speaker 1: on a on a hedonic pathway.
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Speaker 2: When we kind of bribe them, we call it rewards,
9:47
Speaker 2: but in essence we're bribing them. We want them to
9:50
Speaker 2: do something hard and they don't see any point in it,
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Speaker 2: and so we sugarcoat so we.
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Speaker 1: Could do this and you get that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, perfect,
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Speaker 1: And then of course we wonder why they're maybe not
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Speaker 1: feeling worthy. Again, they are worthy, but they're not doing
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Speaker 1: hard things, or they're doing them for purposes and reasons
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Speaker 1: that aren't working for them.
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Speaker 2: They have struggles in their relationships and we want to
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Speaker 2: fix everything.
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Speaker 1: For what we send the email through to the school
10:14
Speaker 1: and say, well, we need to fix this. Yeah, so
10:17
Speaker 1: comfort again, comfort doesn't build resilient struggle does. The other
10:22
Speaker 1: bit of data that I wanted to go to. There's
10:24
Speaker 1: a theorist, a psychologist me hih Chick sent me high
10:27
Speaker 1: and he studied flow and peak experiences, and what he
10:31
Speaker 1: found is that the moments when people feel most alive
10:36
Speaker 1: and most fulfilled and most engaged at the times when
10:40
Speaker 1: they are being stretched just beyond their current ability. So
10:45
Speaker 1: it's not too easy, it's not too hard, but it
10:49
Speaker 1: is just hard enough to not be just right. You
10:52
Speaker 1: know how Goldilocks is the not too hot, not too cold,
10:55
Speaker 1: but just right. What Chick sent me high. He's not
10:58
Speaker 1: looking for just right. He's saying, I want it to
11:00
Speaker 1: be too hard, but not too too hard, just that
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Speaker 1: little bit beyond what.
11:06
Speaker 2: We set a goal. And if we set something achievable,
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Speaker 2: then there isn't too much effort needed to be put
11:14
Speaker 2: into it so that we can achieve it. But if
11:17
Speaker 2: we then add on just that little bit more of
11:19
Speaker 2: a stretch. So say, my goal is i want to
11:22
Speaker 2: save one hundred dollars, and I've worked out that if
11:25
Speaker 2: I put two dollars fifty away each week for however
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Speaker 2: many weeks, and I'm going to get there. And it's
11:29
Speaker 2: not a stretch at all for me to do it.
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Speaker 2: It's just a goal. But I decide that I actually
11:34
Speaker 2: want to double that, and now I'm going to try
11:37
Speaker 2: and put away five dollars a week. That is a
11:40
Speaker 2: stretch because I actually need that extra two dollars fifty
11:42
Speaker 2: in my everyday life.
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Speaker 1: But then how good does it feed?
11:45
Speaker 2: But I'm choosing you two will go that extra.
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Speaker 1: Two dollars and when you achieve it, and you achieve
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Speaker 1: it in half the time, you just feel so good.
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Speaker 1: And that's where the growth happens. That's where you feel
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Speaker 1: worthy again. You are worthy, but feeling worthy comes from
11:59
Speaker 1: our actions.
12:00
Speaker 2: Every four weeks in the gym, we change our exercise
12:05
Speaker 2: routine up, and every time we do it, I kind
12:08
Speaker 2: of look at you and go, there is no way,
12:11
Speaker 2: there is no way I can.
12:12
Speaker 1: Do that, and then four weeks down the track smashing
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Speaker 1: it out.
12:16
Speaker 2: Well, on day one, I can't do it. Oh, I
12:18
Speaker 2: actually can't do it.
12:20
Speaker 1: I've got a quote. We need to take a break.
12:22
Speaker 1: But after the break, I want to talk about what
12:23
Speaker 1: this means for parents, because we've got to be able
12:25
Speaker 1: to pull this together. But you've said that, and I've
12:27
Speaker 1: just remembered a really powerful quote that sums up exactly
12:31
Speaker 1: what's at the core of all of this. I want
12:33
Speaker 1: to share that next because it's so inspiring, and some
12:37
Speaker 1: practical tips for what we can do to help our
12:40
Speaker 1: kids to be more resilient and to take on struggle
12:42
Speaker 1: when they're not that keen on doing anything hard. Stay
12:45
Speaker 1: with us, We're back. This is The Happy Family's podcast.
12:55
Speaker 1: We really hope that you're enjoying the conversation about helping
12:57
Speaker 1: to raise resilient kids. Before the break, I'm quote. It
13:01
Speaker 1: comes from the poet rain a realk Reoky. I don't
13:03
Speaker 1: know if it's a realk or a Realkie Rilk who
13:07
Speaker 1: said this, we grow by being defeated by greater and
13:10
Speaker 1: greater things, not by winning, not by succeeding, but by
13:14
Speaker 1: being defeated. We grow by being defeated. And when I
13:18
Speaker 1: read that quote just a few weeks ago, my brain exploded.
13:22
Speaker 1: It's a completely different framing to how we normally look
13:24
Speaker 1: at the challenges that we face in life. But your
13:27
Speaker 1: gym experience, our gym experience is precisely that. I was
13:32
Speaker 1: watching a video of me the other day because the
13:34
Speaker 1: trainer took a video of me doing push ups. And
13:36
Speaker 1: this was back the very first day we were in
13:38
Speaker 1: the gym. Trainer said, let's get some baseline measurements and
13:42
Speaker 1: just see where you're up to, and he just wanted
13:44
Speaker 1: me to do push ups until I was exhausted, until
13:47
Speaker 1: I couldn't do anymore until I collapsed. And I won't
13:49
Speaker 1: say how many I did, but it wasn't very many.
13:51
Speaker 1: And after I watched it, I jumped straight down onto
13:54
Speaker 1: the floor and I pumped out more than like probably
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Speaker 1: about triple the push up without even trying, without even
14:01
Speaker 1: breaking a sweat, and I just thought, oh, my goodness,
14:03
Speaker 1: I was defeated by that many push ups eight or
14:05
Speaker 1: ten weeks ago. But over the last eight or ten weeks,
14:09
Speaker 1: I've been defeated and defeated and defeated again, and each
14:11
Speaker 1: time I've learned how to defeat what defeated me. So
14:14
Speaker 1: therefore I've taken on the next challenge. And that's what
14:18
Speaker 1: you're highlighting with your gym experience. But we also experience
14:21
Speaker 1: it with the kids, and we want our kids to
14:23
Speaker 1: have those same experiences, because that's where the growth is,
14:25
Speaker 1: the meaning is the purposes.
14:27
Speaker 2: And I think sometimes we get caught up in the
14:28
Speaker 2: fact that we think resilience means that we never fall,
14:34
Speaker 2: Resilient means that we're strong, we're capable, But resilience is
14:39
Speaker 2: actually the act of falling down and picking ourselves up again.
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Speaker 1: You can't be right and time again. You can't be
14:47
Speaker 1: resilient if you don't fall like there's no indication that
14:52
Speaker 1: you are resilient if you don't have those failures, if
14:54
Speaker 1: you don't have those collapses.
14:56
Speaker 2: You have to experience it in order to be able
14:59
Speaker 2: to push pass the challenge. You've got to actually push
15:02
Speaker 2: past it.
15:03
Speaker 1: You need dragons to slay. You need dragons to slay.
15:07
Speaker 1: Our kids need dragons to slay. I love this, And
15:10
Speaker 1: to go back to what you said before, I don't
15:11
Speaker 1: want to rehash it too much because we've still got
15:13
Speaker 1: a couple of things that definitely need to be touched on.
15:15
Speaker 1: But as parents, we keep on seeing these dragons come
15:18
Speaker 1: up in our kids' lives and we think it's our
15:19
Speaker 1: job to slay the dragon. And so, like I said,
15:21
Speaker 1: we send the email to the school because they're dealing
15:23
Speaker 1: with some social conflict and we feel like we've got
15:25
Speaker 1: to step in and solve it. Or they're failing, and
15:28
Speaker 1: so we blame the teacher, or they're bored, and we
15:31
Speaker 1: entertain them, like you said, and we keep on stealing
15:35
Speaker 1: their dragons, and when we do that, we rob them
15:39
Speaker 1: of the very struggles that make them strong. We grow
15:43
Speaker 1: by being defeated by greater and greater things.
15:48
Speaker 2: You've got a book on yourself called The Road to
15:52
Speaker 2: Building Character.
15:53
Speaker 1: The Road to Character David Brooks.
15:54
Speaker 2: By David Brooks. That's right, yea, And I found a
15:57
Speaker 2: quote in there that says, the central drama of life
16:01
Speaker 2: is the struggle against your own weakness.
16:05
Speaker 1: I feel like we're really going into some awesome territory today.
16:09
Speaker 1: I love this quote.
16:10
Speaker 2: It's not struggle against other people, it's not a competition
16:13
Speaker 2: for a status or achievement. It's actually the struggle against
16:16
Speaker 2: our own limitations.
16:18
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, and that's the resulance we're trying to build
16:21
Speaker 1: our kids.
16:22
Speaker 2: Yeah. Can you do the hard thing when the easy
16:26
Speaker 2: thing is right there? Can you choose to do hard? Yeah?
16:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah yeah. So can you go and do the
16:31
Speaker 1: chores when you've got your screen in your hand?
16:33
Speaker 2: Well yeah, But if we go back to the gym,
16:37
Speaker 2: a new exercise is presented.
16:38
Speaker 1: I feel like we need a gym podcast.
16:41
Speaker 2: A new exercise is presented, and without even thinking about it,
16:47
Speaker 2: my body and I assume lots of other bodies do
16:49
Speaker 2: the same thing, finds the easiest way to achieve it,
16:53
Speaker 2: not necessarily the right way. Yeah, it finds the easiest
16:58
Speaker 2: pathway to get to the end of result.
17:00
Speaker 1: So we've got to rewire our brain to do the
17:01
Speaker 1: exercise with the right technique because that's where the growth comes.
17:04
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah. Otherwise, where what's the word we're pulling?
17:08
Speaker 2: We're compensating, We're over compensating.
17:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. This is a bit personal.
17:13
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're okay with this or not,
17:15
Speaker 1: but there's something that you we have a religious background.
17:19
Speaker 1: There's something that you say in your prayer each day
17:23
Speaker 1: that I'd love for you to share because I feel
17:25
Speaker 1: like it really sits neatly with what we're talking about here.
17:28
Speaker 2: It's been a big year of change for me and
17:31
Speaker 2: in mindset and struggling with keeping commitments to myself has
17:38
Speaker 2: been a really big thing. And I end up kind
17:41
Speaker 2: of falling off the bandwagon so many times because I
17:44
Speaker 2: feel like I'm just a failure. And so this year
17:47
Speaker 2: I want things to be different. And the one prayer
17:52
Speaker 2: that I have offered more times this year than ever
17:55
Speaker 2: before is give me greater capacity to honor the commitments
18:02
Speaker 2: I've made to myself.
18:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, So that's character.
18:04
Speaker 2: This is not about anybody else. It's literally about honoring
18:09
Speaker 2: those commitments that I am desirous to achieve in my
18:12
Speaker 2: own life, but often fall away because it's hard. Yeah,
18:17
Speaker 2: what I'm doing is hard.
18:20
Speaker 1: Speaking of commitments that we've made, I've made a commitment
18:22
Speaker 1: to keep this podcast short. How you going not well today?
18:27
Speaker 1: I just feel like this is such an important conversation.
18:29
Speaker 1: But let's get really practical and wrap it up and
18:32
Speaker 1: give some ideas to help parents guide their kids to
18:36
Speaker 1: make commitments that they fully endorse and value and then
18:38
Speaker 1: be keep those commitments. And we need to do it
18:40
Speaker 1: ourselves as well. Right, this is something that is This
18:43
Speaker 1: is not just about helping the kids to be resilient
18:45
Speaker 1: as adults. We're all trying to do this as well.
18:47
Speaker 1: We're all fighting these same battles. I'd love to run
18:49
Speaker 1: through a couple of things that we can do to
18:51
Speaker 1: help our kids do it. The first thing I think
18:54
Speaker 1: is that we need to let them choose hard things,
18:59
Speaker 1: like have a conversation about what are you doing that
19:01
Speaker 1: makes you feel worthy? You are worthy, We love you
19:03
Speaker 1: no matter what. You could lay on your bed for
19:05
Speaker 1: the rest of your life and scroll TikTok and Instagram
19:07
Speaker 1: and we would still love you. You could play Red Blocks
19:08
Speaker 1: and Fortnite Forever. Well, still love you, but you're not
19:10
Speaker 1: going to feel good about yourself because you're not doing
19:13
Speaker 1: anything meaningful or purposeful, and you're not doing anything hard.
19:15
Speaker 1: You're not struggling, you're not growing, and life feels better
19:18
Speaker 1: when you do those things, and we want to support
19:21
Speaker 1: you there. So what matters to you and whether it's
19:26
Speaker 1: going to the gym, riding your bike with friends, learning
19:28
Speaker 1: how to surf, learning how to skate and drop into
19:30
Speaker 1: a bowl, learning how to whatever. Your kids might look
19:34
Speaker 1: at your blanklet and say, I don't know at which
19:36
Speaker 1: point you say, well, let's try some stuff.
19:39
Speaker 2: So could you change the word from worthy to what
19:42
Speaker 2: lights you up?
19:43
Speaker 1: Of course? Yeah? Where can we have productive struggle? Where
19:46
Speaker 1: can we do hard fun those two concepts? Where can
19:51
Speaker 1: we experience distress and frustration? But because we value the activity,
19:56
Speaker 1: or we value the people with so much that we're
19:58
Speaker 1: willing to sit through through and tolerate the distress and
20:01
Speaker 1: frustration because that's going to help us to grow and
20:03
Speaker 1: learn and become more confident. It might be a musical instrument,
20:05
Speaker 1: it could be a sport, could be art or drama.
20:07
Speaker 1: It might be academic work. Doesn't really matter what it is,
20:11
Speaker 1: what can you do that's going to turn itself into
20:13
Speaker 1: productive struggle. The more voice your kids have in that
20:16
Speaker 1: the better. If they look at your struggle their shoulders
20:18
Speaker 1: and say MnOH, then the great task is to say, well,
20:22
Speaker 1: let's start experimenting, which brings me my second suggestion, and
20:27
Speaker 1: that is that we've got to remember, and we've been
20:30
Speaker 1: really hammering this on the podcast for the last couple
20:32
Speaker 1: of months. Resilience is relational. You just you do more,
20:38
Speaker 1: you struggle harder, you push through tougher things when you've
20:41
Speaker 1: got somebody by your side who is a supporting you
20:44
Speaker 1: or be doing it with you. So if the kids
20:47
Speaker 1: want to play a sport, or want to play an instrument,
20:49
Speaker 1: or want whatever it is, let's say they're playing instrument,
20:51
Speaker 1: get them into a band, Get them to team up
20:54
Speaker 1: with a couple of people and start writing their own
20:55
Speaker 1: music or start playing music together. Because once they start
20:59
Speaker 1: doing it together, they form that commitment and they will
21:02
Speaker 1: figure out that eight bars that they just couldn't work
21:04
Speaker 1: out because they're going to have to play it in
21:06
Speaker 1: front of somebody. The productive struggle is there. Resilience is relational.
21:12
Speaker 2: What's number three?
21:13
Speaker 1: I don't actually have a checklist. I'm not sure, but
21:16
Speaker 1: if I was going to say a third thing, I'm
21:18
Speaker 1: just free willing here, but we need The third thing
21:21
Speaker 1: that I would say is let them struggle, like when
21:25
Speaker 1: they're having a hard time. Don't say while I'm here
21:27
Speaker 1: to slay this dragon for you. I would even use
21:30
Speaker 1: the word. We've never done this in our family, but
21:31
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about it right now. I think we should
21:33
Speaker 1: use the word. We always talk about how you've got
21:35
Speaker 1: to love the hills. The hills make it strong. But
21:36
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if we should start talking about how there
21:38
Speaker 1: are dragons and we could slay them for them by
21:41
Speaker 1: doing the job, or we can give the kids the
21:44
Speaker 1: tools and the supports is relational to slay their own dragons.
21:48
Speaker 2: At the moment, our fifteen year old is waking up
21:51
Speaker 2: at three point fifteen three so that she can start
21:56
Speaker 2: at work at four o'clock. The other morning, she sent
21:59
Speaker 2: me a tech and I could tell she was pretty emotional,
22:01
Speaker 2: and she said, Mum, can you please bring me some towels,
22:04
Speaker 2: some dry clothes, and some emotional support and a hug.
22:10
Speaker 2: I need some emotional support. And I just Number one,
22:14
Speaker 2: I loved that she was able to articulate that, and
22:16
Speaker 2: she came home and she just held me. She didn't
22:19
Speaker 2: say I hate this, I can't do it anymore, it's
22:22
Speaker 2: all too hard. She just needed a hug, She needed
22:24
Speaker 2: to have a cry. She went out of sleep, and
22:27
Speaker 2: she got up and she was ready to do it
22:28
Speaker 2: again the next day, and she.
22:29
Speaker 1: Has done for the last couple of weeks. Yeah. Yeah,
22:31
Speaker 1: resilience is relational. Let them choose the hard things that
22:34
Speaker 1: are important to them and let them have that productive
22:36
Speaker 1: struggle and don't rescue them. Okay, we need to wrap
22:38
Speaker 1: this up. Let me do a quick summary. Here's the
22:40
Speaker 1: thing I.
22:40
Speaker 2: Think you've missed the most important. Oh.
22:42
Speaker 1: I know, well, we're out of time, but tell me anyway.
22:44
Speaker 2: Our kids need to see us doing hard things.
22:47
Speaker 1: Yeah.
22:48
Speaker 2: Yes, we can't tell them that they've got to go
22:50
Speaker 2: out and slay these dragons and do hard things if
22:52
Speaker 2: we're not willing to do it. Yeah, and if we
22:54
Speaker 2: find the easy way around everything, then why would they
22:59
Speaker 2: not do the same.
23:00
Speaker 1: Oh, we're starting the week with a banger.
23:05
Speaker 2: I'm watching what's happening for me in the gym, and
23:08
Speaker 2: how our kids one by one without us saying you
23:12
Speaker 2: need to get off your bottom. You need to move
23:13
Speaker 2: your bodies one by one. They are making decisions that
23:18
Speaker 2: are pushing and stretching them, not because we've dragged them along,
23:22
Speaker 2: but because they're seeing the change that it's having in
23:24
Speaker 2: me and they want to do something that feels good.
23:27
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, And if I go back to that New
23:29
Speaker 1: Zealand holiday that we had last year when we did
23:31
Speaker 1: that Central Rail trail through our targo, one hundred and
23:34
Speaker 1: fifty k's four days, headwinds, rain hill.
23:37
Speaker 2: Panic attacks, anxiety.
23:39
Speaker 1: I'm not right, the bike, he knows is the whole thing,
23:44
Speaker 1: and then at the end of it, they said, can
23:45
Speaker 1: we do this again? We've realized that we can do
23:47
Speaker 1: hard things, and doing hard things makes life worthwhile. Damn Okay,
23:52
Speaker 1: let's call it there, because this could turn into a
23:54
Speaker 1: one hour podcast if we're not careful, and our time
23:56
Speaker 1: is well and truly done, and we want to keep
23:58
Speaker 1: our commitment to you because you to spend time listening
24:01
Speaker 1: to what we're talking about. So we really appreciate that.
24:04
Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a really valuable discussion.
24:07
Speaker 1: I want to underscore the key points I think they matter.
24:10
Speaker 1: Number One, your child is worthy inherently unconditionally by virtue
24:15
Speaker 1: of them being a human in your home. They are
24:18
Speaker 1: worthy and they need to feel that. However, if they
24:22
Speaker 1: want to feel worthy, if they're going to grow up
24:25
Speaker 1: with a deep sense of purpose and meaning and resilience
24:29
Speaker 1: and well being, they need to do hard things. Not
24:32
Speaker 1: because their worth depends on it. They need to do
24:35
Speaker 1: hard things because the feeling of worth comes from living
24:38
Speaker 1: a life that's aligned with values and contribution, contributing to
24:45
Speaker 1: something mean, if it was something bigger than self. David
24:47
Speaker 1: Brooks love this quote, Kylie. I'm so glad you pulled
24:50
Speaker 1: this one out. The central drama of life is a
24:52
Speaker 1: struggle against your own weakness. Real key, we grow by
24:56
Speaker 1: being defeated by greater and greater things. Kylie, I love
25:02
Speaker 1: what you said. Give me the capacity to one of
25:04
Speaker 1: the commitments I've made to myself. This is resilience. I'm
25:07
Speaker 1: feeling inspired. I'm ready for a big week. So this
25:10
Speaker 1: week our challenge for you, find one place where you've
25:13
Speaker 1: been rescuing your child from struggle and step back, not
25:16
Speaker 1: because it's easy for you and not because it's easy
25:20
Speaker 1: for them, But let them face the dragon, not because
25:23
Speaker 1: you don't love them, but because you do. The Happy
25:26
Speaker 1: Family's podcasts is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
25:30
Speaker 1: Mim Hammond's provides admin and additional support, and if you'd
25:33
Speaker 1: like more about making your child more resilient, especially your
25:36
Speaker 1: ADHD child, check out our Parenting ADHD course available now
25:40
Speaker 1: at Happy families dot com dot We'll see it tomorrow