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The Magic of Waiting · Relatively Stable

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: The magic of waiting.
• 0:10
  What a sleeping mare teaches us about patience,
• 0:14
  connection,
• 0:15
  and the unseen.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Magic all around us.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Magic has been around the barn,
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: as intangible as her namesake,
• 0:28
  since we hauled her home with the trailer brake system
• 0:32
  malfunctioning in a jerky,
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: indecipherable Morse code of starts and stops in 2022.
• 0:41
  We intended for her to be a school horse in the traditional
• 0:44
  lesson program,
• 0:45
  and she was for a while until her subtle signals became loud
• 0:50
  noise telling us that
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: her riding days were over.
• 0:55
  Magic is a little bay mare with big brown eyes and a slight
• 0:59
  tilt to her head from
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: arthritis in her cervical spine.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: It makes her look like she's giving you a quizzical look.
• 1:07
  A practice side-eye,
• 1:09
  like she's studying you and is about to call you on your BS.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: She's good at calling out the disingenuous.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: When riding didn't work out,
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: her next job in the farm was being a partner to Billy,
• 1:24
  a flea-bitten gray gelding who passed suddenly and inexplicably
• 1:29
  last year.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Colic hit him fast during the evening closing shift,
• 1:35
  and the vet on call took one look at him and an ultrasound to
• 1:39
  confirm suspicions of
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: a kink in Billy's small intestine.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's no coming back from a colic like that.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Colics usually last longer before major decisions have to be made.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking days and sometimes weeks.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the vet urged us to take fast action and ease Billy's suffering.
• 2:03
  There wasn't time to alert the family who so graciously allowed
• 2:06
  Billy to live with us,
• 2:08
  and I was so involved in the moment that I didn't realize we'd
• 2:12
  neglected to give
• 2:13
  Magic time to say goodbye to her boyfriend until I was walking
• 2:18
  Billy up the dark
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: driveway toward his final resting spot,
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: and he let out a single,
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: bold call.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: In the barn, Magic neighed loudly back.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Until this weekend, I'd not heard her make another sound.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: In the weeks following Billy's passing,
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: I stood with magic in the field she and Billy once shared,
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: and I felt grief coming off of her in waves.
• 2:49
  I was fresh home from the call of whale song in Hawaii,
• 2:53
  and my filter wasn't clouded by life.
• 2:56
  I'd connected with something on Hawaii Island that brought me
• 3:00
  closer to our source,
• 3:02
  to the information-filled energy that flows invisibly between
• 3:06
  us all the time.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Magic's mournful presence taught me it was real,
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: this feeling that there was more,
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: to stop second-guessing myself,
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: to get out of my way so that I could swim in the deep,
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: mysterious currents.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: After Billy's passing,
• 3:25
  I waited for Magic to give me a sign that she was ready to join
• 3:28
  the herd in another paddock,
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: or that I should introduce another horse into hers.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But everything in me and Magic said to wait.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Today,
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Magic mingles with other horses in the barn and in the arena,
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: but afternoons and evenings,
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: she is a solitary figure on the upper hillside,
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: the first horse seen as you enter the farm.
• 3:52
  She's a sentry,
• 3:54
  keeping watch over the community,
• 3:56
  but she's also removed and not a part of it.
• 4:00
  She's intangible,
• 4:01
  hard to decipher,
• 4:03
  but her current runs in deep,
• 4:05
  deep waters.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: As we neared the first anniversary of Billy's passing,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I questioned what we should be doing with this little mare.
• 4:15
  I don't use magic with my clients because her no's are big and
• 4:19
  her yes's are subtle.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: She's small, but her directness can be scary.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's a master at teaching boundaries,
• 4:28
  but few humans are ready to do the work it takes to learn how
• 4:32
  to notice and enforce
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: their own.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Lacey Olson has worked with magic, practiced magic a ton this past year.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: I trust Lacey.
• 4:43
  She's ready to go deep with horses,
• 4:45
  but she's equally ready to go as deep with herself.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Magic insist that we take notice and act.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: As I watched Lacey with Magic a few weeks ago,
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was bewildered by what I should ask them to do next.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is weird for me.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I usually feel the pull of the next pathway of the horses and the humans,
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: but like keeping Magic in her solitary paddock,
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: despite all my better judgment,
• 5:12
  it felt like Magic asked us to stay still and steady in a
• 5:16
  holding pattern.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: She asked Lacey and I to wait with her, to be still, to listen.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Horses ask this of us all the time, but Magic didn't suggest it.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: She demanded it.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly, Magic began to soften with Lacey.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: They connected through groundwork,
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: and we saw the little mare take a deep breath,
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: relax her jaw,
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: and doze in a bright corner of the arena near the driveway,
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: where the slight grate of the river sand pools the rain into a tiny pond.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: She looks like she may lie down and take a nap,
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I said,
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: and this would be cause for rejoicing in any of our unmounted work,
• 6:01
  a horse feeling safe and secure enough to lie down with nearby
• 6:05
  humans and have a
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: deep sleep.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But as quickly as it came, the spell was broken and magic quit dozing.
• 6:14
  She went back to pushing Lacey to where she wanted her to be
• 6:17
  with her beautiful,
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: white-blazed,
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: bossing face.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Magic faces the world head on.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I respect that.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be more like that.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: A crossroads.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: The farm is a grand central station of things passing through.
• 6:41
  One of the last preserved woodlands in a city that has
• 6:44
  experienced exponential
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: growth since the pandemic,
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: wildlife seeks the old growth forests to establish new habitats.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Frequently,
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: humans arrive telling me they didn't know the farm existed,
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: but felt the pull to come here.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: In the corner of the arena where a little pond forms when it rains,
• 7:06
  there's a crossroads of paths leading to the paddocks and up
• 7:09
  the hill to the well-house.
• 7:12
  Between them is a copse of trees and vines shrouding an old
• 7:16
  rusty gate that leads nowhere.
• 7:19
  We call this the haunted corner of the ring because of the way
• 7:23
  otherwise unbothered
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: horses will spook at the woody shadows.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Beneath this little grove,
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: the water pipes supply the farm from the nearby well that connects to an
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: underground river.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Whenever sensitive people walk the land,
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: they comment on how there is water everywhere beneath them.
• 7:44
  And the entire area was a Cherokee landmark revered for its
• 7:48
  rich mineral springs.
• 7:51
  The bathtubs in the farmhouse and the buckets and troughs in
• 7:55
  the barn are lined
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: with mineral deposits that we scrub and soak before filling.
• 8:02
  When my first load of horses moved here,
• 8:04
  they stepped off the trailer,
• 8:06
  drank deep,
• 8:07
  and slept.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: The Other Side
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Matilda was a horse made of dreams.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: One day I'll write her whole story,
• 8:20
  but this essay is about magic and how learning to patiently
• 8:24
  notice what is
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: happening around me changed my life.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Matilda is a part of this because of the nature of her passing.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: She was the kind of horse that inspired artists.
• 8:37
  I have a pencil drawing of her likeness framed and propped in
• 8:41
  the dining room window,
• 8:42
  a picture sent to me by someone in prison who drew Matilda
• 8:47
  without ever having met her.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: He said she visited him as he slept not long after she died.
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  I also have an oil portrait of her on the wall that occurred by
• 8:59
  inspiration in an artist group.
• 9:03
  The way Matilda left us was notable because she died suddenly
• 9:07
  and with no warning.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't how horses usually go.
• 9:12
  She ate lunch with little fanfare,
• 9:14
  and a rider tacked her up for a lesson.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: They entered the ring brightly, and I watched them warm up.
• 9:23
  Matilda was huge and white with blue splotches that had faded
• 9:27
  to barely perceptible
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: gray with age.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: She was young considering the general combined age of our senior herd,
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: but had battled squamous cell cancer since she was a baby.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Skin cancers are common in light-colored horses.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: As she and her rider came down the long side of the arena,
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: toward the wooded,
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: haunted corner of the ring,
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Matilda let out a call like a trumpet,
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: like she saw something in front of her.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Her body filled with energy,
• 10:01
  all her attention focused on something only she could see in
• 10:05
  the shaded edge of the ring.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: She sees a horse,
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I thought,
• 10:11
  because the manner of her greeting was an enthusiasm I'd only
• 10:14
  seen horses give each other.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: But as I turned to look,
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: assuming one of ours or a neighbor's had gotten loose,
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Matilda dropped to the ground and was gone within minutes.
• 10:27
  She folded in a careful way that gave her rider a chance to get
• 10:31
  free of the saddle.
• 10:33
  I held the rider close and used my body to shield her from
• 10:37
  Matilda's seizures as I
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: called out to her mother to come help.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: But while my logical brain went into emergency action,
• 10:46
  my heart searched the corner of the ring to catch a glimpse of
• 10:50
  what Matilda saw in
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  SPEAKER_00: her last moments.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Beyond the Veil
• 11:00
  I never stop looking to find what Matilda saw in the spot by
• 11:04
  the little rain pond
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: and the island of trees.
• 11:08
  That corner of the ring adjoins the place in the driveway where
• 11:12
  Billy called out to
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: magic on his last walk up the hill.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Time fades the sound of whale song to a story,
• 11:21
  and so much of what has happened this year has been awful and heartbreaking,
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: altering the landscape of the farm and my life inextricably.
• 11:31
  I spend most of my time trying to calibrate my internal compass
• 11:35
  so I can catch my bearings.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: The demands of living this year haven't left much time for ghost hunting.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: So this past Saturday,
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: as I watched Magic and Lacey do groundwork,
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I looked at them with grief caught in my throat.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: I finished a coaching session filled with unmistakable serendipity,
• 11:58
  the kind that made my jaw drop and my bones ache for
• 12:01
  confirmation of the mysteries,
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: for an assurance of hope.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: After the session,
• 12:08
  I introduced my clients to Lacey and Magic and demonstrated how
• 12:12
  we use our hands
• 12:13
  along the top line of the horse to offer them space to release
• 12:16
  any tension they may
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: be holding.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Before I even touched her with my palm, Magic began to yawn.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Magic isn't a yawner.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: She rarely releases anything.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: She isn't a physically demonstrative horse.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: She, like the rest of us, has made a life of holding on to her old shit.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Lacey and I notice kindred spirits when we meet them,
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: and it's that thread of recognition that keeps us showing up for magic,
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: looking to her for clues to help us find solutions in our own lives.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Magic yawned and yawned and yawned.
• 12:58
  Lacey and I agreed that if that was all we accomplished with
• 13:01
  magic that day,
• 13:02
  it was enough.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was everything that we've been working towards.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I wandered off to introduce the clients to the other horses and people.
• 13:12
  The grief in my throat lessened,
• 13:15
  and I gloried in the flow of conversations and connections.
• 13:20
  Lacey and Magic moved to the sunny corner of the ring near the
• 13:23
  little pond,
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: parallel to Billy's goodbye,
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: the spot where Matilda called out to the unseen,
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: the haunted corner by the trees that surprises unbothered horses.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: the place where the underground river flows to the well,
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: the water that the horses drink deep from and rest,
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: leading the way for watchful humans to notice and do the same.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: She's about to lie down and take a nap,
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I said,
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: and motioned for the humans to stand back and give magic some space.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: Magic drowsed in the sun,
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: and her knees softened,
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: and she sank down into the damp sand like a prayer,
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: like a genuflection of peace,
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: like everything.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like her unprecedented yawn,
• 14:14
  Magic went down and slept within the circle of us in the busy
• 14:18
  Saturday of the ring
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: for the first time.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: She'd never done this before.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Magic sleeps lying down in her stall often.
• 14:28
  When horses lie down out of context,
• 14:30
  we rule out sickness or sleep deprivation.
• 14:34
  Horses spend just a few hours of recumbent deep sleep a week,
• 14:38
  unlike humans.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: To achieve deep rest lying down,
• 14:43
  they have to feel safe and know that the herd keeps watch
• 14:47
  because they're immensely
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: vulnerable to predators in this position.
• 14:52
  A horse will often have a quick lie down to roll,
• 14:55
  but deep sleep is different.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: We don't witness it at the end of a lead line very often.
• 15:03
  Sarah brought a block over for Lacey to sit because she knew
• 15:07
  what was happening was
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: so rare,
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: so incredibly special,
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: that Lacey would quietly keep watch for hours if magic chose.
• 15:16
  We would gladly act as sentries for this healing sleep for as
• 15:20
  long as it took.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: I videoed Magic and Lacey and took photos from every angle,
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: needing to document it,
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: afraid to miss anything.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when I looked at my phone screen,
• 15:33
  I knew I needed to stop everything I was doing and be still in
• 15:36
  the sacredness of it.
• 15:39
  Sharing space with this little sleeping horse was an
• 15:42
  opportunity to be part of the mystery,
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: to see behind the veil.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone felt it.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Visitors walking down the drive beside the ring were quiet.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: They walked carefully, not needing an explanation to join the reverence.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: I put my phone down and stood with Lacey behind Magic's back,
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: watching how the line of her spine rose and fell with her breaths.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Magic began to make little sounds.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is normal,
• 16:14
  caused by the weight of a horse's body against their lungs as
• 16:17
  they sleep lying down.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: The sounds merged into little waffles,
• 16:24
  which is also normal because horses dream and talk like we do
• 16:28
  in their sleep,
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: like how your dog makes little whoops and paw twitches in deep slumber.
• 16:36
  Magic's sounds grew and grew while her nose rested against the
• 16:41
  damp sand and her
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: legs were folded against her body like a tucked lamb.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Her sounds grew until she called out in full whinnies,
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: a series of loud neighs,
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: the kind of sounds horses make when they're talking to each other,
• 17:01
  the way they talk when they're separated and looking for each
• 17:05
  other through sound.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Magic talked to another horse as she slept.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Physically, her body showed no distress.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: She was in utter rest.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Lacey and I watched her in amazement,
• 17:23
  but paid attention to each call Magic made as if we could
• 17:27
  translate her sounds into meaning,
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: into words that made sense to humans.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then mid-call, Magic rolled and jumped up.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: She shook the sand off and went from complete sleep to full motion,
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: searching the arena for something,
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: for someone.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: There were several other horses nearby,
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: but Magic dragged Lacey purposefully along the fence lines.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: She looked desperately for something that no one could see.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: As abruptly as it began, it was over.
• 18:04
  Magic took a deep breath,
• 18:06
  relaxed her body,
• 18:08
  and looked at Lacey and me as if she said,
• 18:10
  What?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: What are you all so concerned about?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: The moment passed.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: The spell was broken.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Saturday continued on, as usual.
• 18:23
  Except for me,
• 18:24
  Lacey,
• 18:25
  and the others sharing space with us in the ring that day.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing can ever be normal again.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Magic sleep changed us,
• 18:35
  or it gave us permission to stop pretending that the things we
• 18:38
  can see and smell
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: and taste are all there is.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: I urged Lacey to journal about what happened,
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: and I can't wait to read the experience from her perspective.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: There is magic all around us.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the horses are here to show humans the way home.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kem.