Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #641 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#641 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, life is short, Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Book the trip,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: have the adventure, take the risk, eat the dessert. Okay,
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: so we'll cross off the the dessert bit, but the
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: rest of it. Do what makes you happy?
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: and Dad.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Well, the weeks are just flying by. It's like six weeks,
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: five weeks away from Christmas. Have you done the count?
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  Speaker 2: Do you know how many weeks it actually is?
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  Speaker 3: I don't really want to know.
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  Speaker 2: Let me tell you.
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  Speaker 1: So.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Next Friday it's the twenty fifth. That's one week. Then
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  Speaker 2: the following week it's the second. It's two weeks, then
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  Speaker 2: the ninth, and the sixteenth. That's four weeks in five
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  Speaker 2: weeks time. It's the twenty third of December, two days
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  Speaker 2: before Christmas, five weeks, five weeks until Christmas. Today's I'll
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow, Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: Are you ready for Christmas?
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: Oh? Yes, I'm so ready. I know exactly what we're
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  Speaker 2: going to buy the kids this year. I've been thinking
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: about it, I've been talking with you about it. Can
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: you believe it? This might be the most involved I've
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  Speaker 2: been in Christmas for years, primarily because I'm trying to
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: stop a spending money. Ye watching what's happening with the
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: cost of fuel and food. Went to the supermarket the
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  Speaker 2: other day and I just about collapsed with number one
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: the poor quality of the fruit and vegies that were
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  Speaker 2: on off, but number two the prices. I was just thinking, this,
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  Speaker 2: this is not normal, like, this is crazy, and all
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  Speaker 2: of the forecasts look out, it's looking kind of nerve
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  Speaker 2: wracking for the rest of this year and next year. Yikes.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: So that's why I've been involved with Christmas. How do
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: we make sure that we I mean, we've been talking
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: literally about doing a no gifts Christmas, but we can't
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  Speaker 2: quite agree on how many gifts. No gifts actually means
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  Speaker 2: because I kep on saying, oh, but we've got to
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  Speaker 2: buy at least something for this person or this kid
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  Speaker 2: really needs it. So then we were talking about doing
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  Speaker 2: an essentials Christmas, just the socks and undies kind as
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  Speaker 2: a thing.
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  Speaker 3: A bike is not essential with socks and undies. You
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  Speaker 3: can't put that in with osin ety.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: Our kids listen to this podcast, so don't say anything
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  Speaker 2: to reveal it.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: Did you say, who's getting it?
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: I can't believe that you just admitted that. Oh boy, okay,
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: So Kylie, The Older Better Tomorrow podcast is what we
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: do every Friday today. It's the day where we reflect
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: on the week that was, how things went, what we
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: could have done better, what we're struggling with our parenting,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe what we've done well with an intention to
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  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow based on our learning from our parenting
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: this week. So do you want to go first today,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: ladies before gentlemen, or do you want me to dive
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: into it and share my one?
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: You're so kind letting me go first.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: I do what I can.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: So I was just thinking. On Monday, we talked about
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  Speaker 3: this idea of burnout, and we talked about the things
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: that we have control of versus those things that we don't. Yes,
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: and over the weekend we had an opportunity to go away.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: But when I looked at the calendar, there was activities
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: on Friday nights, Saturday morning, Saturday night, Sunday, Sunday evening,
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: and it really didn't make sense, Like it was like,
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: how can we do this? We've got kids going to work,
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  Speaker 3: We've got activities to be at. We've got responsibilities, and
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  Speaker 3: then I kind of just looked at it and I went,
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  Speaker 3: you know what, we actually need this, We actually need
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  Speaker 3: to stop. And I have complete control over what I
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  Speaker 3: put in my basket.
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  Speaker 2: YEP.
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  Speaker 3: I actually get to say yes, we can do this
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  Speaker 3: or no. And sometimes I think we get caught up
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  Speaker 3: in just the running of life and we say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
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  Speaker 3: without taking much stock of what it's actually doing to us.
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  Speaker 3: And so we just kind of threw caution to the wind.
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  Speaker 3: We picked the kids up at twelve o'clock on Friday afternoon,
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  Speaker 3: jumped in the car, raced down the highway, and spent
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  Speaker 3: a weekend not completely in bed, but we pretty much stopped,
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  Speaker 3: didn't we.
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  Speaker 2: I slept more while we were away than I can
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: remember sleeping for like two decades during the daytime. In fact,
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: I don't want to be boring here, but normally I'm
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  Speaker 2: sort of like a seven to eight hours a night
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  Speaker 2: and then just living life one hundred kilometers an hour.
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  Speaker 2: Whatever night it was, I got about ten hours sleep,
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  Speaker 2: and then that afternoon I fell asleep again about four thirty,
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  Speaker 2: and you woke me up at six thirty, and I
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  Speaker 2: was in la la Land like I hadn't.
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  Speaker 3: And then you literally went to sleep again.
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  Speaker 2: At nine o'clock.
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  Speaker 3: I was gone without any houseles at all.
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  Speaker 2: But that just highlights to me how full on life
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: is and how much we are sleep deprived and how
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: much we're not looking after ourselves. And as we move
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: into the silly season, it's so important that we're actually
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: getting the rest that we need and that we're on
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  Speaker 2: our game.
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  Speaker 3: Well literally, we have never done anything like this before. No,
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  Speaker 3: not really ever, and so the reason I kind of
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  Speaker 3: wanted to share it was just that acknowledgement as we
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: go back to Monday's episode and the conversation around what
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: things do I have control of? What can I what
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  Speaker 3: am I welcoming into my life, and what can I
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  Speaker 3: actually get rid of? Yeah, last weekend just a chance
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  Speaker 3: to just get rid of all of the excess and
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  Speaker 3: just stop.
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  Speaker 2: I know you've mentioned this already, but I can't stress
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  Speaker 2: it was not convenient for us to do it.
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  Speaker 3: It really was.
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  Speaker 2: We had to cancel so many things. We put a
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  Speaker 2: couple of people out because we had already committed to
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: some things that mattered to us and to them. But
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  Speaker 2: you were hesitating. You're on the fence, and I was
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  Speaker 2: the one that actually made the call. I said, let's
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  Speaker 2: just we're going to pull the pin and go and
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  Speaker 2: oh my, it was so great. I feel like we
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  Speaker 2: should do it every weekend. It was so good.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: I did say to you when we drove in the
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  Speaker 3: driveway and I realized that we were going to be
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: hitting the ground running. This is why we needed to
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: go away.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because how full on has this week been?
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: It's pink crazy.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. What's your take home message in relation to doing that?
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  Speaker 3: I think it's just about being intentional about what we
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: say yes to. And especially as we go into December,
• 5:51
  Speaker 3: life gets so hectic and we take on more and
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: more because there's a bit of fomo going on. We
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: don't want to miss out on all of the celebrations
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: and the exit man, but we also get to a
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  Speaker 3: point where we just we actually end up missing out
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  Speaker 3: because we're not able to be fully present in any
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  Speaker 3: one of the things that we're doing because we've just
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  Speaker 3: jam packed our schedule so much. It's not always going
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: to be convenient. You're gonna feel like you're letting people down.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: But when your family needs to stop, your family needs
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  Speaker 3: to stop.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: So funny that you say that. I've just jumped onto
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Facebook right before we began recording this podcast, and one
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: of my friends, Amanda Stevens, she's a globally recognized keynote speaker,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: very very much in demand, and she's written with a
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: picture of herself hanging out on Green Island. Life is short,
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Book the trip, have the adventure, take
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: the risk, eat the dessert. Okay, so we'll cross off
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: the the dessert bit, but the rest of it. Do
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: what makes you happy, just go into it. And sometimes
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: you've just got to pack up and get away for
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: the weekend, even if it does mean that you're going
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: to be staying in the in laws rumper's room because
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: they live close to the beach, closer to the mountains,
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  Speaker 2: or closer that thing that lights you up. Great, great
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  Speaker 2: take home message, and I'm so glad that you shared that.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: What's your about it tomorrow?
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  Speaker 2: So I'm going to combine two really quickly because they
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: both sent her around challenging behavior from kids. The first
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: one is just a quick story about our school refuser,
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  Speaker 2: our eight year old miss Emily, who I mean, gosh,
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  Speaker 2: she just hates going to school and when I've talked
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  Speaker 2: to her about it, as I did on this particular
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  Speaker 2: morning where she lost the plot didn't want to go
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  Speaker 2: to school. It was back on Tuesday. We're sitting in
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  Speaker 2: the car and I'm driving into school, and I said, so,
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  Speaker 2: what's what's going on? Like, what's the deal? Why do
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  Speaker 2: you I mean, once you're at school, you're fine. You
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  Speaker 2: don't win when you're in the car, it's just getting
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  Speaker 2: ready for school. What is it about getting ready for
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  Speaker 2: school that you hate? And she said, Dad, I hate school?
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  Speaker 2: And I said, why this answer? I keep on hearing it.
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  Speaker 2: It's boring. What is it about what It's a waste
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  Speaker 2: of time? Yeah, what is it about school that's boring? School? Like,
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  Speaker 2: it's all boring. But I mean she.
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  Speaker 3: Once she gets there, like I said, I've seen her,
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  Speaker 3: she was fine.
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  Speaker 2: She enjoys into it, gets on with it. Just cannot
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  Speaker 2: get her out the door. It's so done hard. And
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  Speaker 2: so during that morning on Tuesday morning, I was a
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  Speaker 2: little bit firm with her and said you need to
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  Speaker 2: get ready. And I can't remember what she was doing,
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: but I took it out of her hands. I think
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: she was. Was she on a screen? No, she wouldn't
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: have been on a screen, we wouldn't have let her.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe she was painting, and I took the paint rush
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: offer and said, you can paint again once you're ready
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: for school, but you've got to get ready for school.
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  Speaker 2: And she lost it.
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  Speaker 1: I hate you.
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  Speaker 2: You're the worst. I mean, really volatile, really hostile sort
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: of stuff. Ran into the room, and after about ten seconds,
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I just took a couple of breaths and thought, my
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: job is to not add to her suffering right now,
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: but I need to draw a line in the sand,
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: and she's got to get ready for school. And I
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: went in there and I picked her up and held
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: her at eye level, and she was screaming at me,
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  Speaker 2: and I just said, I know you're mad, but we've
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  Speaker 2: got to get ready for school. And I know you
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: hate me, but I still love you. But we've got
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: to get ready for school. And I put her on
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: the ground and I was just so I so badly
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: didn't want to do and say what I did. I
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: wanted to be really mad at her, But I feel
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: like the more we do this podcast, the more we
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: do these I'd do better tomorrow conversations, And the more
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: books I write, the better I get at holding it
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: together and not because that's really what it's all about, right,
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  Speaker 2: Don't escalate so much that you end up out of control.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Don't join them in their chaos. And that ties in
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: with the other story from while we were away on
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: the weekend. There was a Mars bar in the fridge
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: or a milky way or whatever it was, and it
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: were missing. There are only you, me and our two
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  Speaker 2: youngest kids there, and one of the kids was well,
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  Speaker 2: both saying they didn't need it. You and I didn't
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: need it, and we knew that obviously the Mars bar
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: fairy hadn't snuck into the refrigerator and then thrown the
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: rubbish in the bin, And it took about half an
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: hour to get there. And when our daughter, who was responsible,
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: finally confessed to it, I so badly wanted to be
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: mad at her. I so badly wanted to just lose
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: it with her, and instead there was just that I
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: need to regulate. I need to be in the adult here.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: I needed not join her in the chaos that's going
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: on inside her. And I've got to recognize it if
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: she's lying, there's something underpinning that that we've got to
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: get to. And in the end as we sat together,
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: and I told her that I absolutely loved it. No
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: matter what she could say, whatever she wanted, I would
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: absolutely love her no matter what those three words, no
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: matter what the unconditionality that's there. But I just said,
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: if we don't have honesty in our relationship, then we
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: don't have a relationship. We've got to be honest with
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: each other. And Kylie, I mean, you were there, you
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: saw what happened. About two minutes later, she burst into tears.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: We gave her a big hug, and then she said,
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: I need to tell you a few things. And then
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: she just started telling us all the things that she's
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: been carrying, the burdens, the weight, the challenge, the difficulties,
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: And I just thought, oh, my goodness, how important is it.
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  Speaker 2: How important is it that we don't add to their burdens,
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  Speaker 2: that we don't add to their suffering, that we don't
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: call them names, that we don't belittle them, that we
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: don't diminish their experience, but that we just let them
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: know that trust is essential and that we love them
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: no matter what. They can say anything and we will
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: still love them. And once she'd finished, and she had
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: a big cry about it all there was just a
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: lie in her For the next several days, it was
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: just this beautiful lightness in that she knew that she'd
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: let us know what was going on in her life,
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: and we understood, and we were there to work with
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: her and help her and make things as be as
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: supportive as we could be. I think it was just profound.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I know that's a long monologue, but the take home
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: message really is unconditionality, love you, no matter what. That's
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  Speaker 2: to me at the heart of what is the very best.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: Parenting When you talk to your children when they finally
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: come clean after being dishonest nine times out of ten,
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: their reason for their dishonesty was because they didn't want
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: to get in trouble. They didn't want to feel like
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: they were being judged, they didn't want to feel like
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: they were unloved. They were unlovable, and when we're able
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: to give them that security of knowing that no matter
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: what they say, no matter what they do, that will
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: always love them, there's this ability for them to just
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: open up. I couldn't believe that she was so candid
• 11:59
  Speaker 3: with us after that experience, because up until that point,
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: she didn't want to tell us the truth because she
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: knew she was going to get in trouble.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and then she just told us everything.
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: And then once she realized that she wasn't actually going
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: to get in trouble, that she was free to share
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: what was on her heart. It just the flood glades
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: opened and she was able to just be completely transparent.
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  Speaker 2: So that's our older bed. It's worry for today. Number one.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: Take the holiday, book the trip, have the adventure, eat
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: the dessert, get away for the weekend, do whatever you
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: can to be and.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: Just bunk in at home. Yeah, shut the gate off,
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: the phone, don't let anybody know you didn't go away,
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: and just stay at home. It really isn't about what
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: you do for me. Because you work from home. The
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: idea of staying at home and not doing anything is
• 12:48
  Speaker 3: actually not really possible. If we're here, you're working, you're
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: doing something, even if it's not full time. You've got
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: that constant draw card to kind of you pick up
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: the laptop or whatever. So for us, it was so
• 12:59
  Speaker 3: important for us to just get out of the environment.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: But it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: be an expense. It's just about stopping.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And the second take home message unconditionality, love you
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: no matter what. Make sure the kids here and understand
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: it regularly, both in good times and bad times, so
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: that you can get through all the times. Have a
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: great weekend. Hope that you get some quality time with
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: the family. I hope you get some downtime, and hope
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: that you get to make some plans to make the
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: upcoming Christmas season spectacular. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce as
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: our executive producer. If you'd like more information about making
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: your family happier, please visit us at Happy families dot
• 13:39
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• 13:41
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• 13:43
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