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Sober Talk SA - Leah - Malvern Group. · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
0:04
Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
0:11
call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
0:17
I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
0:24
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:27
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
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help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
0:43
drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
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organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
0:58
controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
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Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other Alcoholics
1:07
are chief sobriety. Thanks, Joy.
1:09
Hi, I'm Leah and I'm an alcoholic.
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Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll start with a little bit of background.
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When Joy asked me to to be the guest speaker, I just go into
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instant like panic because I get so terrified.
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I see in fear and I get so anxious about these about these
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things and particularly being about, yeah, being a spiritual
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speakers meeting about prayer, meditation.
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And I feel like it's a really big topic for someone so young
1:42
in sobriety to talk about. But yeah, I'll give it a go.
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I grew up on the South Coast and I wasn't really any different as
1:56
far as drinking and drugging to any of my peers.
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I, I did drink, I started smoking weed when I was 12.
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I wasn't a big drinker and I was always controlled in what I
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drank and what I what I took. And I really kind of always
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share, share that because when I first came in here listening to,
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I was an alcoholic before I picked up my, my first drink, I
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drank alcoholically from the get go.
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I drank from oblivion. I did not identify with that,
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with that at all. I did.
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I used to have an off switch and somewhere along the line that
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that switch got broken. So yeah, growing up on the on
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the South Coast, yeah, I had a pretty good childhood.
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I guess it was a standard issue. I don't have any childhood
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trauma that I can speak of. I grew up in AI guess harsh.
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My dad is from the Army and we don't we don't show emotions.
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And as a kid, I know that I was always being told I was really
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serious. I wasn't a giggly girl.
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I wasn't. I didn't laugh that much.
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I was just a really serious. And very particular in
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particular is the word I use for perfectionism.
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And I have been like that my whole life.
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I've never been any different. Yeah.
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And I guess, you know, I had. Life happens.
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I had kids in my early 20s and I, I've raised a family, I've
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built houses, I've owned businesses.
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I have had a life and my home life with my husband has always,
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was always fairly unmanageable. And you know, I was a workaholic
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and I definitely looking back, you know, in reflection, you can
4:08
say I was away. I use exercise addictively, like
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I used to exercise like that food, eating too much or not
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eating enough, all of that kind of stuff that tends to come
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along with with the traits of alcoholism.
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And I'll share this because this I think relates I, I was 25
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years old. I had a A2 nearly three-year old
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son and I was at my brother's wife's wake.
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My my sister-in-law died when she was 32 and her parents were
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there. And it was the first time that I
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ever identified, and I was aware of it, that they had something
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that I wanted. And I knew that I, I, they had a
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faith, a very strong faith. They just lost their second
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child. They lost, ended up losing all
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three to the same degenerative kind of disease that they had at
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the ages of 2932 and 34. And they just had this thing,
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this calmness, this peace, this God.
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And I was aware that that they were very devout Catholics and I
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just remember having it really affected me.
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And I thought about it for a long time that I, I wanted what
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they had. And I went away and I felt
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really resentful at my parents because they didn't raise me in
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a religious household. Religion did not exist.
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God was not mentioned. I only know of what I saw on TV
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or, or heard and I am, I've always been fascinated in
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religion. I'm very curious and have always
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been about what people do for religion, how people act.
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And I, it's not something that I relate to, but I'm always been
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fascinated by it. And I ended up taking that
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information to my mum and I just thought that's it, I just have
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to live. They have this knowing this God,
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this understanding, this thing that they seemed OK with their
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circumstances. They're obviously very sad and
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and all of that, but there was something about both of them.
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I thought, well, that's it. I just have to, it's too late
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for me. I don't believe, I don't have a
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religion. I wasn't raised that way.
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And now I just have to be like this.
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Yeah. So that that was my, you know,
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that was quite a profound, I guess, experience that I had,
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you know, and the first thing that, you know, I noticed that
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like what a faith can offer somebody.
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So fast forwarding through life, my drinking became unmanageable.
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And it's interesting once you you've been in recovery a little
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while. I, my, I've been in my, my
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journey of recovery started over 4 years ago, but I am two years,
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nine months sober. Drinking in a a is part of my
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recovery. I was fortunate enough that I
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never left a A. In fact, I I drank and then went
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to meetings and I were all isolated incidents.
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It's a really interesting drinking.
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I drank every second Monday As for about 3 months because I was
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at, I was working for somebody at their house and they were not
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home. And so they had a very extensive
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bar that I drank from. And then I would go to my
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meeting. I did lots of meetings.
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I was, I guess backtracking about.
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I ended up in a rehab for 12 months altogether, six months on
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site and six months and a halfway and that's where I was
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introduced to AAI guess properly.
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My mum had formerly taken me to a couple.
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She would drop me off to a a meetings after she had bought me
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a bottle of my medicine. She because I I couldn't go.
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I couldn't stop. I, you know, was in detox at
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that stage and so she would, you know, buy me my medicine.
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I would have that and then I would go and I remember walking,
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walking in and saying the word God.
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And I thought, oh God, like it's I can't do this.
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And what, what I think it was I, I related the word God to
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religion. I did not think that at the
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time, but it's kind of what I, I guess I've, you know, maybe
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worked out in the process since then and and religion didn't
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appeal to me. And anyway, yeah, I say that the
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word God, I guess after a my bowl of wine written on some
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crummy scrunch up stained calico hanging on the walls of a of a
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dingy side room in a church. And that's my recollection with
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some I was the youngest by many years and I I didn't last the
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whole me. I go, I can't be here.
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This is not me. I'm I'm not this type of an
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alcoholic. So yeah, I guess that was my
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first, my first couple of a, a meeting that they must have been
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at least 8-9, ten years ago. And so then coming, you know,
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into the, into the rehab and being introduced to a a where
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we, it was part of the program. We had to go to meetings and I
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had no intent. In fact I had no intentions of
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being at the at the rehab for very long.
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I just thought if I could get a couple of months up without
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alcohol, I would be good to go. I would have reset and I can be
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off on my merry way drinking as I used to.
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You know, before that I'd been into many trips of Dasser and I
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thought a week, a week high on Valium and I'd be good to go.
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I'm just so unaware and and what I didn't have was any
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understanding of alcoholism. I don't even think I'd could the
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word alcoholism. I didn't know that, you know, it
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was an illness. So yeah, being in that rehab,
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going to meetings sober, I did not listen to anything.
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I must have read those, the steps out 100 times and I didn't
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even question what any of it meant.
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I didn't interact with anybody. I had no intentions of being
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part of AO because, well, mainly because you don't drink in a A
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and that was never part of my plan.
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So there was a lot of learning to do.
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When I look back on myself and you know, even my mum, you and
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other people knew. I don't know how I did not know,
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but I just didn't. And so something happened, I
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guess, in those 12 months of going to meetings, in the end,
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going to four meetings a week, I started, I guess I would get up
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and I would share and I would just, I had no qualms in sharing
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in the beginning, unlike now. And I would just get up and tell
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you all what I thought about a, a, what I thought about the
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program, that it was a cult and the new people were just trying
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to recruit. And yeah, kind of embarrassing
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when I look back on it. And you all just let me speak.
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You just gave me the space to go through that and work it out for
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myself as I then left rehab. And surprisingly, I continued to
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go to meetings. I didn't have a job and I was
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going to meetings every day, sometimes twice a day.
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I can't. I don't know why I did that.
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And I had no intentions of being part of a A.
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But I guess looking back, something, you know, something a
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A got me. I had started to get me and I
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hadn't, you know, there was something, I guess an
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understanding that, you know, that I started to open my eyes
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and look around me and, and I, I remember being in a meeting and
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it was the first thing that it must have been said many times
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before that I really identified other than all the war stories
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and somebody said my whole life I have always felt like, is this
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it? Like, is this all I get?
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This, this can't be it. This can't, this can't be life
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like as it is. And I have said those words out
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loud to my mum quite a few times.
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It started in my 20s when I seemingly had a life and I said
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is this it? Is this all I get?
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Like this can't be it. My mum's like this is it.
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You've, you have a house, you have a family, you have a
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career, you have a job. I'm like this.
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I know, but that's not it. It's, it can't be.
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This is not enough. And yeah, what I've come to
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learn is this, that that spiritual malady.
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And it was that first time I really identified with something
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in AI. And I go, that's it.
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That's what I'm missing. And it was at that same time
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that I thought back and I started to listen about, you
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know, what it meant to be spiritual and spirituality
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versus religion. And I thought back to that time
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where I got resentful at my parents and I saw what these
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other people had and they had religion and I, I just had a bit
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of an aha moment where I thought, this is my opportunity.
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Like I might be able to, I might have a chance at this.
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So I, I started to do the suggested things.
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I got a sponsor and I still had really no awareness.
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I was still incredibly disconnected, still frozen.
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You know when you hear people saying they're thawing out?
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I was still incredibly rock hard frozen.
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I throughout my I guess my marriage, I I switched off all
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emotions really and all feelings.
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I wouldn't have survived with them.
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I can't. I feel like I came into to AAI
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guess emotionally flatlining, just nothing.
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And I remember hearing about emotional sobriety, the Holy
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Grail. You know, when you first come
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in, you're like, what is this thing like?
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Well, you know that they're Speaking of and you don't
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understand. And I just thought, well, I
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don't need to worry about that because I don't have feelings
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and I don't have emotions because so it's it's irrelevant
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to me. And I thought, I thought that
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that's fine because I wasn't, I didn't come in super angry.
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I know a lot of people come in quite angry.
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And they always say that, you know, when you listen, that
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there's fear underneath that I, I don't seem to have that level
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of anger on top of me. And so I was just pretty, you
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know, and then I started to, yeah, to do the suggested
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things. I started reading and like
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prayers, still not knowing, still only doing half measures,
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still not committing, still being very reserved and
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resistant, which has been the theme of my recovery, to be
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honest, resistance. And that's where I drank in
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those in that, in that space in time.
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And it was, it was in that drinking that I, that I, things
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started to happen. I started to get what I now know
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is restless, irritable and discontent.
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When I wasn't drinking, you know, when I was sober in the,
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in those periods of time. And I remember my sponsor at the
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time ringing me out and saying, how, how are you?
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You know, how are you? How are you on the inside?
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And I said, you know, I'm OK. You know, I, I think I ate too
17:04
much cream yesterday. And so I feel so good.
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Still no awareness. I didn't know what that meant.
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Like I just took things so literally.
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And then she asked me this again.
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And it was like, I feel so awful.
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I feel like I want to RIP my skin off.
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I feel like like there's, I'm a pinball machine and there's
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things going around on the inside.
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I, I can't sit still, I can't concentrate.
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I can't watch a movie. I can't do anything.
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I'm pacing around. I'm, you know, I don't know what
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to do with myself. And it's there like that.
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I realized I was in a bit of trouble.
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And if I don't, you know, give this, you know, give this a real
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opportunity that, that I'm in trouble.
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So it's, I made that decision to, I feel like the decision was
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taken away from me, almost like I had to do this, like it wasn't
18:02
really a choice. And then that's when I became
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willing. I, I then got a new sponsor and
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that sponsor was the opposite of the type of sponsor I wanted,
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quite routined. And I don't know, I called it
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militant at the time, ringing every day, all of that.
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And that's exactly what I needed at that time.
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And she she asked the question and I said, yes, Are you willing
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to go to any lengths? And I said yes.
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And I thought, crap, yeah. And that's, I guess where my
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real recovery really started. I've been I've been sober from
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from that day two years and nine months ago.
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And that reminded me dry reading that I had to read that every
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day and I didn't even know the words that I will that I was
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reading. I'm like, what is this doing?
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How can I, how can this be doing anything or changing anything
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when I don't even understand? But what I've come to realize is
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you don't have to have understanding this.
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You cannot understand any of this.
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You just have to do it. And the understanding to some
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extent comes after. And sometimes there's never
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understanding. It's just a knowing that that
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things are changing. I don't understand how this
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works. I don't even begin to try
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anymore. My, my God is, is the universe
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and it's an energy and a force that is everywhere that is in
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me, that is in you and it allows me to connect to you.
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And when I, when I do my prayers, I don't, I, I have
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noticed and it's, it's something that I've noticed.
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I don't pray to something out that's out there.
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I pray to something that's in here.
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And that's been a journey itself.
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Like I said, you know, reading those prayers and not
20:19
understanding the words and then then it it all comes into place
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and. I have to just trust that at
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first it was just trusting my sponsor and trusting that when
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she did this, it worked for her, and trusting that all the people
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in this room have done very similar things and it works for
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them too. And just knowing that doing
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these things, it keeps me in, I guess recovery mode, even though
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it doesn't feel like I'm always doing things at the time, like
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it's not doing anything, it keeps me in recovery mode.
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It's been a very full on, I guess two years and nine months.
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I've had a lot happen externally, but mostly
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internally. There's been some big shifts
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I've had. I've had a rock bottom already
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in in recovery where I felt like life pulled the rug out from
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underneath me and I fell apart. It's been my steepest learning
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curve to date. I was praying every night to not
21:32
wake up the next morning. I didn't want to be alive.
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I wasn't suicidal as such, but I think every alcoholic
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understands and can relate to that.
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I can't do this. I can't go through this one more
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day. I just don't want to wake up.
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I can't do it. And every day I woke up and
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every day I prayed and every day I went to meetings.
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I it was dark. I depression came back, anxiety
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came back, my panic attacks came back.
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And it's yeah, I, I started waking up.
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That's what recovery is really about, right?
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Waking up, not being like I feel like I have my entire life being
22:23
a matrix filler, just walking around on this planet doing
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whatever it is that it that I'm doing.
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I now have a God of my own experience.
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So all those things that I did and I really without even
22:41
questioning or trying in that dark time, I had desperate
22:46
prayers on my knees, prayers, yelling into my pillow, prayers,
22:53
so many meetings. And eventually quite a few
22:57
months later, I came out the other side slowly as everything
23:04
is in recovery. And you know, it wasn't 11
23:09
specific moment that I came out, it was just gradual.
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But I definitely remember being at home, this was about 5 months
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after and I had, I was putting clothes away in my wardrobe and
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I just had this feeling like I was aware of a feeling that I've
23:32
never had before. And I believe that is, you know,
23:38
that is the God within me being alive, being present, present
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and being connected to it. Really, most importantly, I
23:49
believe it was that because I don't really have words for it.
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I can't describe the way I felt. I just know I had this feeling
23:57
of I felt like happy on the inside, content, at peace.
24:04
Nothing really on the outside had changed that month that that
24:08
much in that, you know, around that time.
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I mean, the five months previous, yes, but I just
24:16
thought this is good. I want to feel like this all the
24:20
time. And of course that's not not
24:23
recovery, that's it's not linear.
24:27
And of course I go in and out of recovery mode.
24:32
Sometimes I'm connected and sometimes I'm disconnected.
24:36
I do have an awareness about it now.
24:40
And so long as I have that awareness, I feel like I'm in
24:45
the safe zone. It's what scares me is not not
24:49
knowing that you're disconnected, but being
24:51
disconnected because, you know, going back into that delusion
24:55
that I spent so long being in. And, you know, then life
25:00
happens. I get busy.
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I, you know, I'm, you know, still a mom of young adults and
25:06
they, I feel like they cause me, they bring me a lot of work.
25:13
I study, I work, and I do I do recovery, and it's easy for
25:21
things to slip away. It's scarily easily for prayers
25:26
to drop off or prayers of just rolling off the tongue, not
25:31
prayers with intentions. I can tell the difference.
25:33
I know the difference. I can feel the difference.
25:37
It's going from three or four meetings down to two or three
25:41
meetings. It's not taking my quiet time my
25:45
my meditation, which I must be honest, I have found difficult
25:51
to get traction on. I go in and out of finding quiet
25:56
time. I, I think like a lot of people
25:58
when they come in, I feel like I have to sit there and I have to
26:01
have everything at peace. I have to have the candle lit.
26:04
I have to be in the right position.
26:06
I need to have the right music on and do and do this set for,
26:11
you know, however many minutes. And I've had to let go of that
26:14
idea of, of meditation. It can be a quiet walk in the
26:20
morning. It can be in the shower.
26:23
It can just be conscious thought of making contact with God.
26:31
It's the, I guess, the listening space.
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The prayer is talking, talking to God and the meditation is the
26:41
listening to God. And I've had a few interesting
26:45
things, like things, just random things pop up in meditation that
26:48
I've, you know, that I've, that I've felt like I've had to do,
26:51
which is always an interesting concept when it happens or, you
26:55
know, it's like, this is something I need to do and I go
26:58
off and do it. But yeah, it, it's not been
27:01
linear and just of light in the last couple of months.
27:03
I would say that all these words that I'm saying right now,
27:07
exactly the words that I need to hear.
27:11
I have been disconnecting for a bit and now I need to reconnect.
27:15
I need to, yeah, it, it takes effort and it's not always easy,
27:20
but it's just simple things. And I like, I like how Sandy
27:27
Beach puts it. I think it's not a direct quote.
27:31
I'm not great at direct quotes. The only problem that we ever
27:35
have is our distance between ourselves and God, our
27:41
connection with God. The only solution that we ever
27:45
need is our distance between ourselves and God, our
27:50
connection with the God. It's the same.
27:52
It's the same for the problem and and the solution our our
27:55
connection with God. And I'm very grateful that I
27:58
found that here in a A and I have a whole community of people
28:05
to support me. Yeah, I think I have exhausted
28:11
my brain. And thank you all for being
28:14
here. A A has more than two million
28:19
recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
28:22
In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
28:26
They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
28:31
country. Meetings range in size from a
28:34
handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
28:38
communities. And once again, if anyone you
28:42
know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
28:46
Announcing 1300 Double 22222 or visit their website on aa.org
28:53
dot AU.