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Toxic Relationships and a Facebook Live Broadcast · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, this is Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and we're going to talk today about toxic people and why do toxic people do what they do and some signs of what makes a toxic person listen in.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, welcome to Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: The podcast.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Doc David, your host, and so today I'm doing uh two things.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I am recording a podcast, but I'm also uh doing a Facebook Live broadcast.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I I haven't done that before and wanted to see if I could do it, which so far I'm doing it, and uh see if see how it goes.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this may be a one-time thing, uh maybe something that I do on a regular basis.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um part of the Facebook Live piece is you know, if if any of my followers want to ask questions, it's a great place to like speak with me directly if they have questions.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm coming live from my kitchen, as you can see.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: So in the background, you may hear some noise, which is just like everyone else in the world, have to do laundry.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there's laundry running in the background.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about uh toxic people, and you may know some toxic people.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I actually met with a couple last night um where potentially a person part half of the couple is toxic, and the other half is trying to figure out do they want to stay or do they want to leave the relationship.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean that's a that is a tough place to be, especially after you've spent years of loving somebody and years of being in a relationship with them, and and maybe even have kids with them, and you just don't know how to deal with the toxicity that this person puts upon you.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be a difficult uh place.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this could be a spouse that you have, it could be a partner that you have, it could be a family member, um, a brother, sister, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, mother-in-law, sister-in-law.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, toxic people are all over the place, and you probably know one.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You may even work next to one, and that's a little bit more challenging because in the workplace, there's certain kind of rules that you have you're supposed to adhere to, that maybe some people don't adhere to like they should, and then you have to get human resources involved, et cetera, et cetera.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, what are some signs that what are some signs of toxic people?
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if if you're listening to this on Facebook Live, you could even comment what what are some signs of toxic people in your life and what have you done to deal with them?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna talk about uh several things that I think define a toxic person.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you're watching this live, feel free to chime in and tell me what you think defines a toxic person or even some ideas that you may have on how to deal with toxic people.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh as we go along, also I'm I will be watching um your comments or questions, and then I will try to answer those as we go along.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: But first off, what I found in my um interactions over the last 18 years of working with couples and families and and just relationships as general, that a lot of times toxic people they feel insecure about the relationship they have with you.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so a lot of times they will threaten you initially.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so these these threats don't take the form of physical threats, they don't threaten like I'm going to beat you if you do this thing.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean it could, but that's not typically what a um what a toxic person does.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: The threats take more of the form of cutting off relationships.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um so for example, if you're in a relationship with a toxic person and they don't do, if you don't do what they want you to do, and you basically put boundaries up, um, they will threaten you with, well, fine then, I'm gonna have to cut off my relationship with you.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um they don't interact with you in in the way that they interact with you in a way that's like really unhealthy, it's hurtful.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they'll let you know you're at risk of losing the relationship over whatever the issue is, and it could be a it could be a really silly issue.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um so in real life in reality, those toxic people actually need you in their life because what's happened with toxic people is that uh they've done this over and over, and people eventually just cut them out of their lives because they don't want to deal with that negativity and that damage.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so um, oh yeah, so someone just commented that um manip toxic people are manipulative.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean they're very manipulative, but in their in their um world, it's not manipulation.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: In their world, it tends to be more um just kind of how they interact with the world, so they don't view it as manipulation.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they have a few friends, and and after the incident that happens where they threaten you and then they potentially cut off the relationship with you, um, you actually are emotionally affected by that, but they just go on with their day to their next relationship.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so you're sitting at home like venting or debriefing with a partner, and they're on to their next relationship, and they've more or less forgotten about you.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that is a classic sign of a toxic person, is that whatever kind of emotional damage that has happened because of that threat, um they've moved on from that while you, the victim potentially, are really affected by that and you're confused and you don't know what just happened.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so another thing that toxic people tend to do is they tend to ignore, like you're in a conversation with them or maybe having a disagreement with them, and so you want to bring up a point from the past to kind of prove your point and show that what you're saying is valid.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: And they a toxic person will ignore or over talk you.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and it's crazy because I've been in a conversation with somebody where I bring up this point, like they're speaking about something, and I bring up the exact point from a past interaction that I had with them, and they don't even acknowledge it.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: They go back to their argument of why I am the one that's causing problems, or I'm the one that's um has the issue, not them.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: They will bring up issues from the past that have nothing to do with the present issue.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so then again, it gets confusing like, why are you bringing this thing up?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: But then they won't address that thing and they won't address the that they're bringing it up, and so then they ignore it and they just like it's like you don't even say it.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um so that so they threaten and they ignore.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um another thing that that toxic people often do um is they assume things.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So they this shows up when they simply believe that no matter what you say, even if you bring up these examples from the past, no matter what you say, um you are wrong.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: They believe other people and they don't believe you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't matter the age of the other people.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I found this to be consistent in my own life when I've dealt with toxic people, and in um couples and families when I've been working with them.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: You can have a five-year-old that says something that makes no sense, and a toxic person will latch on to that as some there's some type of truth in that about you, when it has nothing to do with whatever you're even talking about.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so they believe other people no matter what you say, and you are wrong because this other person is right.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a simple explanation about why you did and what you did and how you did it, um, and a very reasonable explanation or very reasonable reason uh will not be accepted because you're wrong, and this five-year-old that gave you this information, or this 10-year-old that gave you this information, or this teenager that gave them their information, is the one that they're going to believe.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um another thing that's a classic sign of a um a toxic person is that they they have they usually don't apologize, they have great difficulty in taking responsibility for things, and so they won't apologize for things.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that is that is a huge relationship deal breaker, in my opinion, it should be.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because relationships ebb and flow.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be times in relationships where you're feeling really close to somebody, and then there's gonna be times when you're not feeling so close to somebody.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: There's gonna be times when you are hurt someone's feelings, when someone else hurts your feelings.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so part of being in a relationship with somebody is that you have this ability to take ownership for what you did and apologize, even if maybe you don't feel completely like you did something, it's about um keeping the relationship intact.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a that's a back and forth and it's a give and take because there's gonna be times when I, in a relationship with somebody, I hurt somebody.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna need to make sure that I make amends to that person.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And there's gonna be times when that person maybe says something that's hurtful to me, and they're gonna need to make amends to me.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's this back and forth relationship.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you're in a relationship where there is no back and forth like that, you have got to get out of that relationship because it's chances are you're in a relationship with a toxic person.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they don't apologize.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can point something out they've done, they don't take ownership of it, they will not apologize.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so my suggestion then is you need to you need to move forward.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And and that may be cutting off the relationship with this person and just having nothing to do with them anymore.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because you a person can only take so much of that um toxicity before it starts to overwhelm their life themselves.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um so you need to move forward.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're if you're waiting for an apology, you're not gonna get it.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um you may get some kind of acknowledgement that there was some bad stuff that happened, but you generally will not get an apology from a toxic person because I mean, if we go back over the other things that we talked about, um you're the one at fault, not them.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you're the one that is causing the issue, not them.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: So why would they need to apologize?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um it it'll be if you can overlook it, if you can just not have to have an apology and stay in this relationship, then that's going to be the best suggestion I have for you is that you just move forward in the relationship and don't worry about an apology.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um a final thing that identifies a toxic person is is uh let me do this thing here really quick.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, it disappeared.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry for you podcast people.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing something on the live broadcast.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: So you're thinking, what is he doing?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine, I'm safe, everything's good.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so they uh one of the things that a uh a final thing that they do, and there's lots of things, these are just five things that I have seen when I've related to people that are toxic, um, they prioritize their feelings over the actual truth of things.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um so the phrase you may hear over and over when when trying to interact with a toxic person is they may say, Well, that's how I feel.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or another one that I like is that's the truth of how I feel.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I perceive things.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And there's sometimes, I mean, I I understand perception, you know, perception is reality, so I understand that there's different people perceive things different ways, and I'm completely fine with that.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I think that when things are just outrageously wrong, that doesn't become a perception thing.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes like you're doing something outrageously wrong and it's hurtful to me.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so when a when that's happening and a person consistently say, Oh, well, that's just how I feel.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's just how you feel about things, that's just how I feel.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they prioritize that over the actual truth of how they're treating you, that is a great sign that you are in a relationship with a toxic person.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there is truth about about an issue, and then there is how one feels about the issue, issue.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're may not be the same, sometimes they are the same.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: So recognizing the truth of something is not as important to a to a toxic person as getting out how they feel about the issue.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because they may say how they feel about the issue, and it may be completely overblown.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And but if you don't address that, then they're gonna cut you off.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you may not need, you may think, I don't need to address this, this is their issue.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't matter to a toxic person, they will cut you off if you don't um adhere to their way of thinking of things.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: So say, David, here's these five things.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for showing me that.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: How do I deal with a toxic person?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, there's a couple quick ways you can deal with the toxic person.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can decide, and they have to be very decisive and purposeful ways to interact with them.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you can simply just cut them out of your life.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a little bit more difficult if it's a family member and there's going to be family functions.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but you can cut them out of your life because inevitably what happens if if you keep going back, if you keep getting drawn back in, you keep getting you know turned away by their hurt, but then drawn back in, that makes you like that creates stress and anxiety in a person.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a father or a mother and you have children, it's gonna trickle down to creating stress and anxiety in that relationship you have with them.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And so one of the strong things that I suggest is cutting people out that have that are like toxic in your life.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: That may see cold, that may seem cold and heartless, but we're looking at the bigger picture here, not just this relationship between you and them.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're not able to manage that relationship well, it's going to affect other relationships that you have and damage them.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's my first suggestion.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you can't manage a toxic relationship well, you should get out of that toxic relationship because it's going to hurt other people around you.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing, and we just talked about it a little bit, the second thing I think you should do when you are in a relationship with somebody that has a toxic personality, is you have expectations.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: You just know that going into the relationship.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you know that going into the relationship, then when they do threaten to cut you off, when they don't apologize to you, when they do ignore things that you want to address, it's not such a big surprise and it's not going to be so hurtful to you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you go into the relationship thinking, okay, in this relationship, this person that I'm relating to has limited abilities to interact with me.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's gonna be more helpful when you interact with them.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna be disappointed, you're not gonna be as hurt, um, you're gonna be more tolerant of them not apologizing, you're gonna be more tolerant of them assuming things.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um but you just have to go into that relationship knowing these things and having low expectations of these relationships.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, what that may mean, like practically, it may mean that you limit contact with them.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: You still stay in contact, but you limit the contact with them.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: It may mean you limit sharing information with them because they'll take that information and use it against you in a disagreement.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: It may mean bringing other people with you when you interact with them to kind of help help cope with how you deal with them.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: So there's other ways.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: So so uh those are my two ways, my two suggestions on how to deal with toxic people.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Either cut them off or you go into the relationship knowing that this is how they interact with the world.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you go into relationships knowing, just in general, if you go into relationships knowing how the other person interacts with the world, it can really help you manage your life and help you manage that relationship and any stress and anxiety that may come out of that.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, all right, well, we've been successful with the first Facebook Live broadcast and the first podcast cast.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: The dual cast, I should say.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if you want to email me, you can email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's headshrink with a kinc at gmail.com, or find me on Facebook at docdavid.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or you can just search for me docdavid.net and all my stuff is there.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thanks for listening in.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hope to uh hear from you, and I will be back on next week.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Take care of the