Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Shared Struggles: Understanding the Single Parent Journey | Ep. 138

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Shared Struggles: Understanding the Single Parent Journey | Ep. 138 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Parenting is a journey filled with twists and turns, and for single parents, those twists can feel especially heavy and isolating.
• 0:18
  So whether you're walking this path yourself or supporting someone who is.
• 0:23
  Today's episode is a place for connection and understanding.
• 0:28
  Here on the Parenting Podcast, we're diving into real stories of single parents.
• 0:33
  Stories of resilience, challenges, and the incredible power of community.
• 0:39
  I'm Cheryl Lang, your host.
• 0:41
  And I invite you to take a deep breath, settle in, and know you're not alone.
• 0:48
  Whether you're here to listen, learn, or simply be reminded you're part of something bigger, this conversation's for you.
• 1:03
  Cheryl: Good morning, the two of you.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Hello.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: Hi.
• 1:06
  Cheryl: Hi.
• 1:07
  Carol: Interesting, you know how most things have planned obsolescence, you know?
• 1:13
  Carol: Like, my washing machine actually has a dial on it, and it has metal parts, and the repairman said, run it until the wheels fall off.
• 1:26
  Carol: Right.
• 1:27
  Carol: Because it's a dinosaur.
• 1:28
  Carol: Yes.
• 1:28
  Carol: Yeah.
• 1:28
  Carol: Yeah.
• 1:29
  Ellen: They don't make the parts anymore.
• 1:31
  Cheryl: Also, click, click, click, click, lasts a whole lot longer than the computer.
• 1:34
  Cheryl: Yeah, right.
• 1:35
  Cheryl: Alright, so most things have this planned short life.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: And, um, when my son got married in May of 2011, my sisters came up for it and it happened
• 1:47
  Carol: to be Mother's Day, and that morning my coffee pot broke.
• 1:50
  Carol: And so, uh, my sister said, Kids come with me because they were young they couldn't drive.
• 1:56
  Carol: Let's go for your mom for Mother's Day Let's go.
• 1:59
  Carol: You've got to buy her new coffee.
• 2:00
  Carol: Oh, and they went to Target or something and just bought it inexpensive And y'all It just quit yesterday.
• 2:08
  Carol: Since
• 2:08
  Christie: 2011.
• 2:09
  Christie: Since 2011.
• 2:11
  Cheryl: I go, okay, we got our money out of that.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Yes, you did.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: You should,
• 2:15
  Christie: you should do the math on how much per month you spent on that coffee.
• 2:19
  Cheryl: How much each of the cups of coffee cost.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:22
  Cheryl: It would definitely
• 2:23
  Ellen: be pennies.
• 2:23
  Ellen: Pennies, yeah.
• 2:25
  Ellen: Yeah, we're morning coffee drinkers, so we've always gone through quite a few coffee makers.
• 2:31
  Ellen: We have a really good one now with a stainless steel coffee pot, so it's hardcore and serious.
• 2:37
  Ellen: So
• 2:37
  Christie: nothing's taking your coffee down.
• 2:39
  Christie: Yeah, so it grinds it
• 2:40
  Cheryl: And two of my children are coffee snobs, and.
• 2:44
  Cheryl: They do pour over, and you have to weigh it, and all of that, and I appreciate it.
• 2:51
  Cheryl: I just don't want to mess with that.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: Well, I'm a tea
• 2:53
  Ellen: snob.
• 2:54
  Ellen: Sorry.
• 2:54
  Ellen: Oh.
• 2:55
  Ellen: You know, I'm a tea snob.
• 2:56
  Ellen: Yes, you are.
• 2:57
  Ellen: Because my parents were British Canadian, and so we always had tea.
• 3:01
  Ellen: That was the main drink.
• 3:02
  Ellen: Not iced tea.
• 3:03
  Ellen: Just tea.
• 3:04
  Ellen: And hot tea.
• 3:04
  Ellen: And you were, you know.
• 3:06
  Ellen: taught at a young age how to make a really good cup of tea, which Americans don't know how to do.
• 3:12
  Ellen: And it never goes in a mug.
• 3:13
  Ellen: It must always go in a China cup.
• 3:15
  Ellen: And also
• 3:17
  Cheryl: loose leaf.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: Oh, absolutely.
• 3:20
  Cheryl: I grew up in the South.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: And so we did said tea.
• 3:24
  Cheryl: There's only one tea in the South and that's sweet tea.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: So it's half water, half sugar.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: But, I just can't even consume it now.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: It is like syrup.
• 3:35
  Cheryl: When we were in the South,
• 3:36
  Ellen: I saw, and this is back in the 70s, I saw babies with bottles filled with sweet tea.
• 3:42
  Ellen: Oh, I believe it.
• 3:43
  Ellen: I believe it.
• 3:44
  Ellen: And I went to see babies with Kool Aid too.
• 3:47
  Ellen: Yeah, but I mean, that was such a Southern thing.
• 3:50
  Ellen: I didn't even know that existed, Cheryl, until I went to the South with the military, and the first time I had sweet tea, I was I almost literally spit it out, because I said, Oh, I'd like some iced tea.
• 4:01
  Ellen: I took a big gulp, and it was, there's sugar
• 4:04
  Cheryl: in it.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Well, you taught me more about tea, and so now I really, L enjoy hot tea, but I only do uh, loose leaf and I time it.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: And so I do that and I actually, I'm an Earl GR pants.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: I really like,
• 4:21
  Christie: I I need tea mentors.
• 4:22
  Christie: I just pop my tea bag in my cup and pour the water in.
• 4:26
  Christie: No tea bags, no tea flying behind.
• 4:28
  Ellen: And you have to, don't microwave your water either.
• 4:30
  Ellen: Oh, okay.
• 4:31
  Ellen: Well
• 4:31
  Christie: I do use a kettle, so I'm headed in the right direct.
• 4:33
  Christie: You go Also,
• 4:34
  Cheryl: if you do green tea, FYI.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's.
• 4:37
  Cheryl: You don't heat it all the way to boiling.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: You stop before boiling.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:42
  Cheryl: And then you only do it three minutes.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Not as long as you do.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: I
• 4:46
  Christie: did know that from a movie line.
• 4:47
  Christie: He said, and, and pour it just before boiling.
• 4:51
  Christie: Do not burn it.
• 4:53
  Ellen: You should do that with hot tea, too.
• 4:54
  Ellen: You shouldn't boil your water.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:56
  Cheryl: So this is some of the fun stuff of life and, I've been thinking about part of our audience that is growing, and we haven't ever specifically addressed this part of our audience, what I thought we could talk about, y'all, is single parents, okay?
• 5:16
  Cheryl: And when I'm looking at the two of y'all, you all know each of us has a single parenting story.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: And we came to it different ways, we experienced it, either as a child or or also as adults.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: And so let's address it.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: And
• 5:32
  Carol: listeners if you're not a single parent, I really want you to still please listen to this because we want to, help you to understand some of the challenges and struggles and how you can love the single parents in your life better and what to actually do, because most people say, I don't know what to do.
• 5:51
  Carol: And then if you are a single parent, I want you to get that cup of tea or coffee and listen because we want to minister to you and we want to encourage you and hopefully equip you.
• 6:04
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:05
  Christie: So tell your story of single parents.
• 6:07
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:08
  Ellen: Um, my mom was divorced when I was three.
• 6:11
  Ellen: Wow.
• 6:11
  Ellen: So, and my father didn't come around very often, you know, maybe once every couple years.
• 6:17
  Ellen: But, um, so my mom was working full time and we moved in with my grandparents.
• 6:24
  Ellen: And my grandmother worked full time, she was a legal secretary.
• 6:27
  Ellen: And my grandfather didn't work, uh, because he was an alcoholic.
• 6:31
  Ellen: So it's a really interesting home.
• 6:33
  Ellen: And I say that, I know that for lots of people that have grown up around alcoholism, that's a really horrible thing.
• 6:39
  Ellen: But I think because he was my grandfather, it wasn't like this really negative thing.
• 6:44
  Ellen: He was a very affectionate, kind grandfather.
• 6:47
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 6:48
  Ellen: And, you know, loved alcohol now this is in the sixties when I was elementary school, you know, I remember how shameful I felt being a child that didn't have a dad because all my other friends divorce in the, you know, in the sixties was like 3 percent or something.
• 7:05
  Ellen: It was very, it was unheard of.
• 7:08
  Ellen: Unheard of.
• 7:08
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:09
  Ellen: So I'm just made up a dad.
• 7:11
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 7:11
  Ellen: Wow, Ellen.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: That says so much about your experience.
• 7:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:16
  Ellen: And so, you know, being a kid, I didn't understand some of the historical things.
• 7:22
  Ellen: So this is in, The, the mid to late 60s.
• 7:25
  Ellen: So my made up father was a fighter pilot in World War II who shot down over France.
• 7:32
  Ellen: Don't do the math.
• 7:33
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:33
  Ellen: That should have been my grandfather and I probably picked up on my grandfather's war stories and created, I created a dad.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: But doesn't that, Christy, that just says so much about how you feel and you're saying it lightly now.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: But it was
• 7:48
  Ellen: very painful at the time.
• 7:49
  Ellen: Very painful.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: They thought right now, I mean, when you were in third grade and you made the story up, they thought your father right now was a fighter pilot down in France?
• 8:00
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:01
  Ellen: Yeah, because they were, you know, shut down in France during World War II.
• 8:04
  Ellen: There's no time like that I would ever imagine, but when I was a kid I watched a lot of war movies.
• 8:08
  Ellen: But it gave
• 8:09
  Christie: you a valid, uh, perspective.
• 8:11
  Christie: Like maybe an honorable story to give to your father and represent the boy.
• 8:17
  Christie: And so, you know, in
• 8:18
  Ellen: my mind, I mean, I'd only seen him a couple of times until I was a lot older.
• 8:22
  Ellen: And um, so, but I always remember my elementary school teachers telling my parents on the PTA, the days when you come in for whatever that's called.
• 8:31
  Ellen: Oh, Emily has such a good imagination.
• 8:34
  Ellen: And now I look back because I would tell these whoppers of stories of things we did, you know, but no, they were funny.
• 8:42
  Ellen: I'm sure they
• 8:42
  Cheryl: had
• 8:43
  Ellen: great compassion
• 8:44
  Cheryl: to understand the situation.
• 8:46
  Ellen: And that's how I always felt.
• 8:47
  Ellen: I, you know.
• 8:47
  Ellen: Now, as an adult, I can remember a few times the teacher giving me a weird look and they're like, Then I realized, oh, as an adult, oh, they knew I was just making that all up because it was so far fetched.
• 8:57
  Ellen: I mean, I told her, like, one time, said we were traveling and there was a windmill and I got on the windmill.
• 9:04
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 9:04
  Ellen: I told the whole class that.
• 9:06
  Ellen: You had,
• 9:06
  Cheryl: um, going for it.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: Which is a good story to tell.
• 9:08
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 9:10
  Cheryl: You know, and brought some
• 9:12
  Carol: safety into your life.
• 9:14
  Carol: Yes, So explain how you tasted of single parenting as a grown up with children.
• 9:22
  Carol: Well, of course, and you know,
• 9:24
  Ellen: as we're talking about this, this is no judgment on anybody.
• 9:27
  Ellen: This is happening in our culture, like you said, right and left, divorce and separation and things like that.
• 9:33
  Cheryl: I mean, Ellen, I personally, in the last eight years, I now have six
• 9:38
  Carol: very close friends who have become single parents and some are past the active parenting years, but not all of them.
• 9:45
  Carol: I have six friends who are now single that were not single or married eight years ago.
• 9:51
  Carol: Yes,
• 9:51
  Ellen: so, you know, if you're out there and you have friends in the community, you're going to know some single parents.
• 9:57
  Cheryl: And that's why we're doing this.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 9:58
  Ellen: and I know, um.
• 10:00
  Ellen: In the 60s, When I was a kid, Because I was one of the few children that had divorced parents and it was really embarrassing and shameful in a time where divorce wasn't very common.
• 10:12
  Ellen: And I made up my dad when I remember making a vow when I was about 10 years old that I will never get divorced.
• 10:19
  Ellen: Now, of course, I didn't know what that meant totally, but that was just something I felt really strongly about because it was so painful.
• 10:26
  Ellen: So as an adult, I have been.
• 10:28
  Ellen: I'm fortunate and very blessed.
• 10:30
  Ellen: We're celebrating our 50th anniversary this month, uh, with my husband, Mike, but, um, because he was an active duty military guy for almost 30 years, there were big chunks of time where I was a single parent.
• 10:44
  Ellen: And I mean, by that, I mean he was out of country and out of touch.
• 10:49
  Ellen: If I needed to get ahold of him, if there was any kind of emergency, we had to go through the Red Cross and the Red Cross would get him.
• 10:56
  Ellen: You couldn't just go through his squadron or anything like that.
• 10:59
  Carol: All three of us have experienced single parenting different ways others never had a spouse.
• 11:05
  Carol: Some people lose their spouse through divorce.
• 11:08
  Carol: or widowhood or these extended periods of time of functioning as a single parent.
• 11:14
  Carol: So
• 11:14
  Ellen: there were lots of times I couldn't, you know, I couldn't call and say, um, Hey, you know, and I'm like, Oh, this kid did this.
• 11:21
  Ellen: What should I do?
• 11:22
  Ellen: Help me with this, you know, or just, you know, my kids had to go through the, Hard part of having their great dad gone, you know I remember I used to pass his t shirts out to each of the kids That is dirty ones so they could smell him and they take the t shirt to bed with them You know so that they would have that connection But I mean, I definitely always have a heart towards single moms Being the wife of an active duty military man, a lot of the people around me, you know, that they were single, military moms, and just how hard that is on everybody.
• 11:57
  Ellen: You can really
• 11:57
  Cheryl: sympathize.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: Okay, so Christy, tell us a little of your story as a child and as an adult.
• 12:02
  Christie: Yeah, well, my, my parents divorced when I was seven, and so I was pretty young, but very different than you, Ellen.
• 12:09
  Christie: I, I feel like as a child of the 80s, I don't remember feeling that it was that abnormal.
• 12:16
  Christie: Um, and, and so it never really mentally was a thing for me.
• 12:21
  Christie: The divorce itself.
• 12:23
  Christie: Like a stigma.
• 12:23
  Christie: Um, but both, you know, both my parents were single for quite some time.
• 12:28
  Christie: I did have relationship with both of them, but I, my grandparents were very involved in my upbringing because, you know, being a single parent is hard.
• 12:37
  Christie: And so, um, they, they were very involved in.
• 12:42
  Christie: Acted a lot of times as parents for me.
• 12:44
  Christie: Right.
• 12:44
  Christie: Wow.
• 12:45
  Christie: Um, so that was my experience growing up.
• 12:48
  Christie: And then, I mean, Um, I, I preface all of this by saying I still had the luxury of a two parent household in my experiences, but my husband did work in the oil field for eight years and so he would be gone for a week and home for a week.
• 13:05
  Christie: So I did get a small taste and glimpse and it's a long week and he was, you know, completely out of touch most of the time that whole, I mean out of town.
• 13:15
  Christie: So, um, yeah.
• 13:17
  Christie: Yeah, it's not that coupled with my experiences growing up.
• 13:22
  Christie: So just with those two experiences combined, I can really empathize with parents that are carrying all the weight on their own.
• 13:29
  Ellen: Because it's hard
• 13:29
  Christie: enough.
• 13:30
  Ellen: It is.
• 13:30
  Christie: I
• 13:31
  Ellen: mean, it's Under the best circumstances.
• 13:33
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:33
  Ellen: Right.
• 13:34
  Ellen: So, with, with
• 13:35
  Christie: two, two parents
• 13:36
  Cheryl: sharing
• 13:36
  Christie: the weight, it's hard, but then to put all the weight
• 13:38
  Cheryl: on one person's shoulders.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: It is really hard, I'm very thankful I didn't have to struggle with any of this as a child, but as we've talked about numerous times and actually it's 25 years ago, this
• 13:52
  Carol: month we lost Bill to cancer.
• 13:54
  Carol: And so all five of my children were at home.
• 13:57
  Carol: We were a very close knit family.
• 14:00
  Carol: Uh, connected family, Bill was the hub of our lives.
• 14:05
  Carol: A very traditional family.
• 14:07
  Carol: Very traditional family and, uh, we were devastated.
• 14:11
  Carol: And I just kept saying, I didn't take the class on how to do this.
• 14:18
  Carol: I had no idea.
• 14:19
  Carol: I don't know, I don't know what to do.
• 14:22
  Carol: so I have.
• 14:23
  Carol: incredible empathy and compassion for this struggle, and that's why we're doing this.
• 14:29
  Carol: So whether you are part of the community or whether you yourself are, experiencing single parenting, whether you're a dad or a mom, that's what we want to kind of talk about here and let you know that we're not just speaking academically about us about it.
• 14:46
  Carol: The three of us have had our lives reshaped because of single parenting, Right.
• 14:52
  Ellen: Yeah
• 14:52
  Carol: and we want to bring encouragement to.
• 14:54
  Carol: So I want us to talk about some of the struggles, but then what can we do about it?
• 14:59
  Carol: so as y'all look at, uh, single parenting, what is one of the challenges that you think of that we could start talking about?
• 15:09
  Christie: Well, I mean, the first thing I think of is just having fewer hands on deck.
• 15:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:15
  Christie: You know, just for the practical load of, you know, housework and keeping track of homework and running to the store for cough medicine at 2 a.
• 15:26
  Christie: m.
• 15:26
  Christie: Or
• 15:26
  Cheryl: on your way home, pick this up.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:28
  Cheryl: It's all of
• 15:29
  Christie: those things that when you have two people tag teaming the tasks.
• 15:34
  Christie: It just is a different ball game.
• 15:36
  Christie: It really is.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: There's so much to it.
• 15:39
  Cheryl: And then that's related to time management because, pretty much by definition, if you are a single parent, that means you're active parenting and you are working.
• 15:52
  Cheryl: So not only do you not have that other second pair of hands.
• 15:56
  Cheryl: And you're home keeping.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: Yeah, those things still have to be done.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 16:00
  Cheryl: And.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: All that responsibility of the kinds of things we talk about on the podcast of connecting with your children, and overseeing, and having a plan, and birthday boxes, um, I just, I understand.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Back in the back of my mind, all the time we were talking about it, on the podcast I reflect on, because over my half of my parenting years were as a single parent, and when we talk about all the emotional energy, just, you know, Practically getting everybody bathed into bed and get their homework done and making sure everybody eats and then they, oh no, you needed cleats this Thursday for practice.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: All of that.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: And then why are
• 16:48
  Ellen: you crying right now?
• 16:52
  Christie: Why am I crying right now?
• 16:54
  Christie: That's true.
• 16:56
  Christie: So a lot.
• 16:57
  Christie: Yeah, I think you know parenting already stretches you into places that you I was at my niece's basketball game this weekend and like elementary age basketball game and I They came asking for parents to volunteer to keep the score on the clock, you know, and you just feel this, like, fringe of the parents, like, please don't, you know, somebody else, please raise your hand.
• 17:23
  Christie: And I was just laughing at the fact that the way parenting drags you into spaces that you're not built for, or you're not, you know, gifted at, but you figure it out for your kid's sake.
• 17:33
  Christie: And I feel like single parenting just takes this to a next level.
• 17:37
  Christie: Right.
• 17:37
  Christie: you know, you want to be involved in your kid's class, you want to be involved in their team, you want to be the snack mom or dad, and it's just, you can't do it all, even as a two parent household, let alone a one parent.
• 17:49
  Christie: And
• 17:49
  Cheryl: coupled with that, I'm thinking of the financial challenges.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:53
  Cheryl: Because, how are Ever you ended up being single, your income is less because of being a parent and whatever got you into single parenting.
• 18:04
  Cheryl: And so, like you're talking about bringing the snacks and doing all the things, particularly with less time, or, or, emotional energy, you either end up spending more money than you should, or you have to take valuable time away from something else to make these beautiful snacks or, Oh, I made all these chocolate chip cookies for everybody.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: Out of necessity.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Because I couldn't
• 18:29
  Ellen: afford to.
• 18:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:30
  Cheryl: And finances are just a real issue.
• 18:33
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 18:34
  Cheryl: Even we talk about sports, okay?
• 18:37
  Cheryl: That means.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: All the expenses and all the uniforms and it's, added pressure.
• 18:43
  Cheryl: Oh, I remember
• 18:44
  Ellen: having, with five kids, and Mike might have been overseas, and I had to take all the kids to sports stuff, and nobody ever played on the same field.
• 18:56
  Ellen: So I drop one kid off, who of course wanted me to watch the game, take another child over here and then I usually had a baby on my lap
• 19:04
  laugh: and
• 19:05
  Ellen: you know, just that exhaustion of doing it all yourself and having to run around and you know, you missed your kid's home run because you were at the other field.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: So, if we're talking to a community here, just these particular practical things, what's a way how can we encourage a single parent that's going, yes, you are describing my life.
• 19:28
  Cheryl: So, what are ways that we can encourage the parents that are walking this challenging road and for their friends, family, church group, any relationship of community, how could they help them out in these areas?
• 19:46
  Cheryl: What are some suggestions?
• 19:47
  Ellen: I was thinking, you know, a lot of times when we were in that stage with other kids, I would take some of their children.
• 19:55
  Ellen: And just to add them to ours, I mean, it didn't matter at that point, but it gave the mom a couple hours.
• 20:00
  Ellen: Maybe I took them to the baseball game, or I took them to practice, or they just come and hung out at our house.
• 20:07
  Ellen: Okay.
• 20:07
  Ellen: And see,
• 20:07
  Cheryl: what I want to say about that is, particularly someone who is, new to single parenting, because something traumatic happened, however, you end up single parenting.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: And a lot of times there's front loaded help.
• 20:20
  Cheryl: There's a lot of compassion, empathy, people surround you.
• 20:25
  Cheryl: I remember, I mean,, people come in and say, how can we help?
• 20:28
  Cheryl: What can we do?
• 20:30
  Cheryl: And then particularly
• 20:31
  Carol: at certain times Like adopting your family for Christmas or they just moved in and it was wonderful.
• 20:37
  Carol: And of course, there's no condemnation in any of this.
• 20:40
  Carol: I'm just saying the reality is we were almost overwhelmed with how people loved us and surrounded us and came and helped.
• 20:47
  Carol: And the reality of all of it is, is life continues Everybody moves on.
• 20:51
  Ellen: Yeah, you're down the road.
• 20:52
  Ellen: Where is everybody?
• 20:54
  Cheryl: So that's what I love this idea of.
• 20:56
  Cheryl: Hey, let me take a couple of the children with me or like you were in dance If they'd been a single mom, hey, how about if I pick up your daughters when i'm going Do you know to be thinking of how can we just practically?
• 21:09
  Cheryl: Take children with you to take some of that load off.
• 21:12
  Cheryl: What are some other practical things in these related areas?
• 21:15
  Christie: Well, I think before we move on on that I would say to the single parents If someone's offering to help, let them.
• 21:22
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:23
  Christie: Because I, I know that just in my little taste of experience, I felt hesitant to let people help.
• 21:31
  Christie: Yep.
• 21:32
  Christie: Even when they offered, I thought, oh, no, they have, they have their family.
• 21:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:35
  Christie: I don't want to intrude.
• 21:37
  Christie: And, um, and then, I mean, there were times where I was just so desperate, I didn't care about my, you know.
• 21:42
  Christie: I don't know how it was affecting the other person, but that can be something in the back of your mind.
• 21:48
  Christie: And I hope that today we can be a voice that validates that you're going through a hard thing and gives you, if you're needing some permission, that we can be friends to come in and say, here's your permission.
• 21:59
  Christie: Take the help.
• 22:00
  Christie: Yeah.
• 22:01
  Christie: So much.
• 22:02
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 22:02
  Cheryl: Because I had really identify with that sort of the shame.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: is they're all moving on and doing it all themselves, you know so I thought, what is wrong with me that I can't, I mean, I really forgot that I was handling it all myself.
• 22:19
  Cheryl: And so I felt the shame of why should I bother
• 22:23
  Carol: them they're doing really well.
• 22:25
  Carol: Why can't I do it?
• 22:27
  Carol: And so I, I.
• 22:29
  Carol: I didn't have my head on straight about it because you kind of accept it as the norm And in your case, you had grief.
• 22:36
  Carol: Yes.
• 22:37
  Carol: I mean,
• 22:37
  Ellen: being single brings grief because there is a loss.
• 22:40
  Ellen: But in your case, you lost Bill.
• 22:43
  Ellen: And so that's a long process.
• 22:45
  Ellen: It sure was.
• 22:47
  Ellen: to comfort your children and then figure out how do I do all this.
• 22:51
  Cheryl: The other thing you're talking about, let people know, okay.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Let me see if I can describe it.
• 22:57
  Cheryl: Okay, what I started doing is trying to say, let me give a desperation number to what my need is.
• 23:06
  Cheryl: Let's say the Uh, hot water tank is making some weird noises or a branch has fallen down the backyard or I have a drippy faucet, something like that.
• 23:17
  Cheryl: And so I would think, okay, these men have said, Oh, we want to know how can we help families have said how can we help I go, what is the rating on that?
• 23:27
  Cheryl: Because I don't want to use up my help, sort of like a budget.
• 23:31
  Cheryl: That's what I did.
• 23:32
  Cheryl: I budgeted the help.
• 23:33
  Cheryl: Yeah, that makes sense.
• 23:34
  Cheryl: And I go, let's see, I can rake all the leaves in my yard, but I can't cut that branch up.
• 23:40
  Cheryl: So I will overwork doing the other things so that I only have to take a little bit from others.
• 23:48
  Cheryl: And I'm just saying, that's not a healthy way of seeing it.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:51
  Cheryl: And.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: I didn't express it to others and didn't
• 23:55
  Carol: give myself permission to say, Hey, y'all, I'm drowning.
• 23:58
  Carol: I'm still drowning.
• 23:59
  Carol: It's five years in, it's 10 years in, and I'm still drowning.
• 24:04
  Christie: And would you say a better way to budget the help would be, I've heard the saying like, do what only you can do and invite others to help with the rest.
• 24:18
  Christie: I mean, that's the problem.
• 24:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:19
  Christie: How many places do you need other people to help you?
• 24:22
  Christie: Right.
• 24:22
  Christie: But I'm just thinking there's so many.
• 24:24
  Christie: There are certain things that you want to be the one to do for your children.
• 24:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:27
  Christie: You want to be the one that tucks them in at night or you want to be the one that packs the lunch.
• 24:32
  Christie: You know, but it's whatever relational needs.
• 24:34
  Christie: That's
• 24:34
  Ellen: hard.
• 24:36
  Ellen: It's the practical stuff that's hard.
• 24:37
  Ellen: Like you said, a tree limbs down.
• 24:39
  Ellen: You can't do that by yourself.
• 24:41
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Ellen: You know, it doesn't fit in the trash can.
• 24:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: So I would say the answer is an active community who doesn't let you slip through the cracks.
• 24:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:52
  laugh: And
• 24:52
  Cheryl: that their awareness is raised, which is why we're doing this episode, uh, their awareness is raised to keep coming back and saying, Hey, what can we do?
• 25:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 25:02
  Cheryl: Or I knew a group that they would say, The fourth Saturday of the month, or something, that the men would check in, um, it was a church, and they would check in and prioritize things, and then they would go, and they loved doing it, it's just getting it done, and then they bonded together as a community, and they would go to the different single women, um, Or elderly women on their list and say make a honeydew list for us.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: We're coming this Saturday, and I thought that was excellent.
• 25:35
  Ellen: Well, I know we were fortunate because we were military, and that's already kind of built into military, and that's career military, sort of built into your thinking.
• 25:44
  Ellen: You know, everybody in base housing knows, okay, you know, these three dads are gone.
• 25:48
  Ellen: So how do we help?
• 25:49
  laugh: Right.
• 25:50
  Ellen: Yes.
• 25:50
  Ellen: And that's what we need in communities.
• 25:53
  Ellen: That's the example I'm trying to give.
• 25:55
  Ellen: And that was what I found very quickly when we, after 30 years, when we left the military, that's really lacking in the civilian world.
• 26:03
  Ellen: People don't think like that.
• 26:05
  Ellen: Well, you know, Cheryl, we live in a time where we hardly even know our neighbors, you know, and even if we're in a church community or some kind of group, we don't have the same, maybe, friendships and intimacies that we used to have, so nobody knows that the Poor single mom's drowning.
• 26:22
  Ellen: It's much harder to be vulnerable
• 26:24
  Christie: than it once was.
• 26:25
  Christie: Okay.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: And I would love TPP to be a voice in this to say, let's change.
• 26:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: All right.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Y'all, we've already run out of time.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:33
  Ellen: Went by really
• 26:34
  Cheryl: fast.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: And just tapping in a little bit, trying to kind of talk about the landscape of single parenting and community, what we can do.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: All right.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: So what I'd like to do, there's an area we haven't really talked about, and it's really what matters.
• 26:49
  Cheryl: And it's the emotional and mental health.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: of the single parent.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:54
  Cheryl: And so let's come back next time.
• 26:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 26:57
  Christie: And let's
• 26:58
  Cheryl: talk about that because I'm telling you, I know firsthand that's more important than the actual practical needs, which are wonderful.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:08
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's important.
• 27:09
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:10
  Cheryl: So particularly if we're talking to you today, you single parents, hang in there.
• 27:18
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 27:19
  Cheryl: Keep persevering.
• 27:20
  Cheryl: Because it's worth it.
• 27:28
  To all the single parrot listening.
• 27:31
  I hope today's episode offered you some comfort and a reminder that you're not alone on this journey.
• 27:38
  I want to personally thank you for being here.
• 27:42
  I see your strength, your resilience, and your heart as you're navigating a tough path.
• 27:50
  And to those of you standing beside our single parents, Your presence is invaluable.
• 27:57
  Thank you for being that much needed pillar of strength and love.
• 28:02
  If today's conversation resonated with you, or if you have questions or thoughts to share, I'd love to hear from you.
• 28:09
  You can reach us through our website, social media, or by email at contact at the parentingpodcast.
• 28:17
  com.
• 28:18
  Your voice is always welcome here.
• 28:22
  Be sure to join us next time on TPP as the conversation continues.
• 28:28
  Until then, remember, even if it feels overwhelming, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, and there's always hope, even on the toughest days.