Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Set Boundaries Without Burning Bridges
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment a few months into a new manager role where you realize your team has your phone number, your Slack DMs are open, and suddenly your evening belongs to everyone but you. Luna: It's that sinking feeling when you hear a notification buzz at 9 PM and you know it's about something you could have handled in the morning. Lucas: Exactly. And a lot of new managers struggle with this because they want to be seen as accessible and supportive. But the data on manager burnout is pretty clear — one Gallup study found that managers who report feeling 'always on' are three times more likely to experience burnout within the first year. So setting boundaries isn't selfish, it's sustainable. Luna: But the hard part is that if you come in too firm, you risk seeming like you don't care. How do you thread that needle? Lucas: Let's look at a real case. I talked to a product manager at a mid-size SaaS company — let's call her Priya. She took over a team of six engineers about four months ago. Within two weeks, she realized her team was messaging her on Slack until midnight. She'd respond because she felt guilty if she didn't. But she was exhausted. Luna: So what did she do? Did she just say 'no more after 8 PM'? Lucas: Close. She sent a message to the team saying she'd be offline after 8 PM unless there was a production outage. But she also said that she'd respond to any message sent after 8 PM first thing the next morning — by 9 AM at the latest. She called it a 'response time promise.' She wasn't saying don't message me, she was saying I will get back to you, just not right now. Luna: I like that. It's a reciprocal boundary — you're giving them a predictable timeline. That feels fair. Lucas: Exactly. The key is that a boundary without a promise feels like a rejection. Priya made it clear that her team's messages mattered — she just set a window for when they'd get her full attention. Luna: And did the team push back? Lucas: A little. One engineer said, 'But what if I have a question that's blocking me?' And Priya's response was smart. She said, 'If you're blocked, ping me. I'll see it first thing. But if it's urgent, call me.' By giving permission for true emergencies, she reduced the anxiety on both sides. Luna: So she distinguished between urgent and important. That's a classic framework but applied to availability. Lucas: Yes. And there's research from Microsoft's New Future of Work report that found that managers who set clear expectations around response times had teams with higher trust scores, not lower. People actually respected the manager more because they knew what to expect. Luna: I guess the fear is that if you say 'I'm not available,' the team thinks you're not invested. But the data says the opposite. Lucas: Right. Now, another common scenario is when you're managing former peers. You used to grab beers with them, now you're their boss. Setting boundaries around after-hours chat feels even trickier because you don't want to lose the friendship. Luna: That was Episode 2, but it's worth revisiting in this context. If you've been friends with someone on the team, saying 'don't text me after 8 PM' can feel like a demotion of the relationship. Lucas: True. But you can frame it differently. One approach is to say, 'Hey, I value our friendship, but I'm trying to be a better manager by being more present for the whole team. So I'm setting some boundaries on my availability. It's not personal — it's about being fair to everyone.' That usually lands well. Luna: It also helps if you model the behavior yourself. If you're sending messages at 10 PM, your team will feel pressured to respond. Lucas: That's a huge point. Priya told me she realized she was sometimes sending ideas at 11 PM, expecting no response, but the team saw the notification. So she started using Slack's schedule send feature. She'd draft a message and set it to send at 9 AM the next day. That small habit change made a big difference. Luna: That's a practical tip I'm stealing. Schedule send is a lifesaver. Lucas: So we've talked about setting the boundary. But what about enforcing it when someone tests it? Because someone will. Luna: Right. The first time an engineer messages Priya at 9 PM with a non-urgent question, what does she do? Lucas: She doesn't respond until morning. And when she does, she says, 'I saw your message last night. I'm glad I can focus on it now.' No apology. No explanation. By not engaging, she reinforces the norm. If you respond just once, the boundary is gone. Luna: Consistency is everything. If you're inconsistent, it's confusing. The team never knows if you're available or not. Lucas: And if today's episode was useful to you and you want to keep it ad-free, buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo helps. Luna: Yeah, a handful of listeners chip in monthly through that link. It's what lets us keep these conversations going. Lucas: So back to enforcement — one more thing Priya did was she had a one-on-one with the engineer who tested the boundary most often. She said, 'I noticed you're messaging me late. Is there something about my daytime availability that's not working?' That turned it into a conversation about the team's needs, not about the rule. Luna: That's a great reframe. Instead of saying 'you broke the rule,' she asked 'what can I do better during the day?' That makes the boundary about improving the team's workflow, not about punishing them. Lucas: Exactly. And the engineer admitted he was waiting until late because he felt his questions weren't urgent enough to interrupt her during the day. So they agreed that he'd send a quick Slack during the day saying 'got a question when you're free' — and that gave her permission to prioritize it. Luna: So the boundary actually improved communication. That's the dream. Lucas: It is. And I think for new managers, the biggest takeaway is that boundaries are not walls. They're guidelines that protect your energy and your team's ability to work independently. Without them, you become the bottleneck. Luna: I've seen that happen. A manager who answers every query instantly — the team never learns to solve problems on their own. Lucas: Right. So here's a framework I like. It's called the 'three zones' of manager availability. Zone one is synchronous — you're available in real time, like during office hours. Zone two is asynchronous — you'll respond within a few hours. Zone three is overnight — you're offline. You communicate which zone you're in at any given time. Luna: That's helpful because it gives the team a mental model. They know if they see you in zone two, they should expect a delay. Lucas: Yes. And you can signal zones with your Slack status. 'In a meeting — slow replies' is zone two. 'Focus time — will respond by 3 PM' is a different zone. The more explicit you are, the less guesswork for the team. Luna: What about when your boss or your boss's boss messages you after hours? That's a different challenge. Lucas: It is. And here the power dynamic is reversed. But you can still set boundaries. One approach is to say to your boss, 'I want to make sure I'm fully present for my team during the day. I'm going to stop checking email after 8 PM. If something urgent comes up, please call or text and I'll pick up.' Most reasonable bosses will respect that. Luna: And if they don't? Lucas: Then you have a different conversation. But in most cases, if you frame it as a way to be a better manager, it's well received. Nobody wants a burned-out manager. Luna: So we've covered setting boundaries, enforcing them, and handling pushback. Any final tips? Lucas: One more. Review your boundaries quarterly. What worked three months ago might not work now. Maybe your team has grown, or your own workload has changed. Priya told me she revisits her response time promise every quarter with the whole team. That keeps it a living agreement, not a stale rule. Luna: I like that. It treats boundaries as a team norm, not a manager decree. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the mindset that keeps you accessible without being overwhelmed. Thanks for listening, everyone.