Latest / The Diva Details / Swipe Fatigue to Real Love: How to Escape Dating App Burnout

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Swipe Fatigue to Real Love: How to Escape Dating App Burnout · The Diva Details

0:01
Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva
0:05
Detail, where bold, confident women embrace life
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unapologetically. From love and sex to
0:12
wellness and reinvention, we keep it raw,
0:15
real, and powerful. No filters,
0:19
no limits, just fearless conversations to help
0:23
you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia.
0:30
Hello, beautiful people. This is Diva Mia, and today
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we're going to talk about avoiding dating burnout and finding love online.
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Have you ever opened a dating app looking for a relationship and wonder
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whether you accidentally wandered into someone else's marriage? Because some
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days this is exactly what it feels like. There's so
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many different red flags you can come across. I will go over a couple
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of those today, but some days it's
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exactly what it feels like. You thought you were joining a place where single
1:02
people meet other single people. Instead, you're trying to figure out who is
1:05
married, who is still involved with their ex, and who wants 6 months of
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texting without ever making a dinner reservation. At this
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point, some of us don't need another match. We need an explanation.
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So welcome. Today's In the Diva Details, we're gonna talk about
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why dating apps feel so exhausting when you're actually
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looking for a relationship. Especially since you're looking for someone to build a
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life with or a relationship. We're going to talk honestly
1:33
about the cheating, the mixed intentions, and the frustrations.
1:36
Then we're going to get practical about meeting people beyond
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the apps, because deleting a dating profile does not mean you
1:44
have to give up on love. It just means you're going to look in other
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ways. The promise of online dating was appealing for a lot of people
1:50
in the very beginning. You get to meet people you would never cross
1:54
paths with otherwise. You get to find someone who shares your interests. You get a
1:58
chance at love even when your everyday life doesn't put many singles
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people in front of you, especially in midlife, because as we get older there's less
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and less singles out there. It really matters in midlife.
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You may work from home, your friends may be married, your evenings
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may involve children, aging parents, or responsibilities that don't disappear
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just because you have a love life. You can have a full interesting life and
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still have very few opportunities to meet someone that's available.
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I will say most of my friends that are single, they don't date much because
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they don't want to get on dating apps. So you open up a dating app
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and suddenly there are hundreds of faces, hundreds, maybe even thousands. I'd probably say
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I go through 200 to 300 people a week. That looks like opportunity,
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but the hard part is figuring out which people are actually available for
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the kind of relationship you want. Now, a lot of the dating apps, they put
2:49
on there what type of relationship you're looking for, whether it's long-term or commitment.
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But people have figured out that if they don't put long-term on there, they're not
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going to find anyone at all because most women are looking for long-term.
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We're looking for our forever person. There's very few people that
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are female in our midlife that are looking for hookups. That's the truth. So men
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out there in midlife will put that they're looking for long-term relationships even
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though they may not be. They may be wanting a fling
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or an open relationship or something like that, but they don't disclose
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it because they're looking for a high-quality woman that they can keep as well
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as potentially have another person on the side. Or they're
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already in a relationship or a marriage and you just don't know. And it's not
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just men, it's women too, because the dating apps are
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full of people that are already married or already in relationship. A profile
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tells you what somebody wants to present. It doesn't tell you how they
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behave when they're disappointed. It doesn't show you whether their words match their
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actions, whether they're a cheater or whether they're faithful or whether they have
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any integrity at all. It certainly doesn't tell you whether
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another person believes they're already in a committed relationship with them. That's where the whole
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thing starts feeling less like dating and more like an unpaid investigation.
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It feels like there's minefields or potholes and the road is filled
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with them. And trying to get to the end at your destination is like a
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trick. You have to constantly avoid the potholes. You may have
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heard the claim that about 2/3 of people on dating apps are already married or
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in relationship. There's a real study behind that headline, but the details do
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matter. And this was in 2023 on Tinder. About 65% reported
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either being married or in a relationship. Only about half said they
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were using Tinder to meet someone offline. That is striking.
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But it describes that particular survey, not every Tinder
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or user or every dating app, but sometimes it's higher and sometimes it's lower.
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Being partnered also doesn't automatically establish cheating.
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Some people have open relationships and agreed arrangements, but they need to disclose
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that to you because if you're sleeping with someone and they're sleeping with
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other people, you're putting yourself in jeopardy with
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every person they sleep with. It does illustrate is that this
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also illustrates a person on the other side of your screen may have a completely
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different reason for being there. They may be playing games.
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They may be players. They may think that they're still Casanova
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and they're 60 years old. You may be looking for a life partner. They may
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be looking for entertainment or because they're bored or lonely. You may want to make
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an actual plan. They may want attention, whether they're bored or just need constant
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validation. We cannot take the remaining third from the study and assume everyone
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in it is emotionally available or ready or compatible
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or looking for commitment. Relationship status is only one part
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of availability. Those numbers are not a formula for calculating your personal
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odds of finding love. However, you have to realize that if you're
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dating 10 people, 6 or 7 of them may be in relationships.
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So if you only date 3 people and you find out that all of them
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were already in relationships, that just means you haven't dated enough. I know
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that sounds sad, and you're gonna have to go through a lot of apples
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and get rid of a lot of the bad ones before you find the good
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ones, but that's the reality of the dating apps right now.
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It's both that way for men and for women. And someone can be legally single
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and still be waiting for an ex to come back. Their head may not be
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in the game. Someone can say they want a relationship and repeatedly make
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no room for it. They don't have priorities for it, but yet they're on the
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dating apps, which makes no sense. Someone can enjoy an intimate conversation
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while avoiding every practical step that would turn it into an actual relationship.
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They get afraid. Maybe they have an avoidant personality type.
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Maybe they're anxious. Who knows? Just because they're on the
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dating apps doesn't mean they're healed and whole and have secure boundaries.
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It doesn't mean that they want a secure attachment. It doesn't mean any of
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that. It just means they put a picture up there and they're out there and
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they're available. Think about that person who messages every morning but
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who won't choose a day to meet, or the person who talks about future
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vacations while remaining unavailable for coffee this Saturday.
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Eventually you have to stop evaluating how promising the conversation sounds
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and look at what is happening because there's a lot of unavailable people
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out there and they don't want to tell you they're unavailable because they're enjoying the
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attention they're getting when you message them. They're enjoying the
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conversation, and sometimes they just want a hookup and they just want
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conversation because they need the attention or the validation.
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People have real responsibilities. A busy parent is not automatically
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emotionally unavailable because they may have a demanding job. It's not proof of
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dishonesty, but it does raise a red flag.
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The question is whether they communicate clearly and make reasonable effort to follow
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through. A cancellation followed by a new plan looks different from
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a month of vague excuses. I will say it's a lot of red flags.
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If you have someone that talks a good game and never wants to have
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a date, it's a red flag. If you make plans and they cancel last minute,
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or they don't talk on the weekends, or they— it's
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hit or miss or hot and cold, it's a red flag. And here's the thing,
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it doesn't mean they're married, although it could. It could mean they're married, it could
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mean they're in another relationship, or they're just emotionally unavailable, or it's not a priority.
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But again, if they're not emotionally available and it's not a priority, why do
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you want to waste your time on them? Eventually you do have to stop evaluating
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how promising the conversation sounds and look at what is happening. People have real
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responsibilities and the pen pal situation deserves its own
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conversation. There is nothing wrong with getting comfortable
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before meeting, but it's if one person wants a relationship
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and the other wants indefinite texting, that mismatch needs to be acknowledged.
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And a lot of people out there just want to text forever.
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They want to put you off, keep you in the loop, use you as much
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as they can, and they never have any goals of actually meeting
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you. You can say, I've enjoyed talking with you. I'd like to meet for coffee
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next week. Does Tuesday or Saturday work? If every answer keeps the conversation
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floating without a plan, you can step away. Now, some people are married
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and in relationships and they have no intention of cheating.
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They just want the emotional connection, which most people agree is emotionally
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cheating. And so they're just emotionally cheating. They're not actually going
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to take the physical step of physically cheating. You don't need to
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spend another month trying to earn a 30-minute conversation with somebody who's not available,
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whether they're in a relationship and emotionally cheating or not,
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it's time to walk away. I also want to be fair about the idea
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that dating apps used to be wonderful and now they're universally terrible. People have found
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love online and they still do. Back in 2023,
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there was a study that 1 in 10 partnered American adults met
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their current partner through a dating app or a dating site. Its survey found mixed
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experiences, not evidence that everything was steadily had gotten worse for everyone,
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but it does get worse, and it depends on the area. I think in smaller
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locations where you run into the same people, it's harder for people to be constantly
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cheating because someone's going to tell their partner. In a big metro area,
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you probably see more cheating than you probably do in a smaller one. But if
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only 10% of the people out there are finding love, that says
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something. When your experience is repeated disappointment,
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more profiles can feel like more work, and it really does. A large pool
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doesn't help much if you're spending your energy sorting through incompatible
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intentions and misleading information. There are people actually
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now turning their dating profiles and their responses over to AI because
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they don't wanna spend the time because it's a lot of work. If you're seriously
10:18
looking for a partner, you could spend 10 or 20 hours a week on
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dating apps and still not find your person. I recommend
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if you're gonna go on a dating app that you have 3 or 4 dates
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a week with different people. If you're seriously looking for a life partner, And I
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would highly recommend that you're dating 30 or 40 people.
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Trying to find one person out of 5 is not reliable,
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especially if 6 or 7 of them are in relationships. This is
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why people call the dating apps a cesspool. They're tired of showing
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up sincerely and discovering somebody else is just playing a game because
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there's real consequences. If you want casual sex, be honest about it and tell
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people. Other adults can decide whether they— that's what they want too,
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because there are people on the dating apps that can match that are just looking
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for casual sex. Sex. And if that's what you want, that's fine. I saw a
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dating profile the other day where a guy basically just said he wanted
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to orally pleasure women on a dating app, and that's all
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he was looking for. He said, don't hate me if this is what
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you aren't looking for. And he just posted
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it right out there, his name, his profile, and he says,
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I don't want a relationship. I just want to basically orally
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pleasure women. That's his stick. The problem is pretending to want
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commitment because you think that story will get you access to someone who would
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otherwise say no is wrong. Because yes, you will probably get a
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higher quality woman that's not just looking for a hookup. But the
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problem is, is all you're doing is breaking hearts. If you're already in an exclusive
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relationship, secretly presenting yourself as single is so
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deceptive. If you're dating someone for several months exclusively
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and you both agree that it's exclusive, and then you go out there on dating
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apps, that's just wrong. A difficult marriage doesn't give you permission to
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recruit an unsuspecting third person into it. And a difficult relationship, or even a great
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relationship, just because you want to have 2 or 3 women on the side is
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not right. It's wrong. It's immoral. And it
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lacks integrity. People deserve enough truth to decide
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what they're agreeing to. When you're lying to a woman or
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a man and you're sleeping with someone else, You're opening
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them up into an area that they never agreed to. They didn't agree
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to the other person. They don't even know who that other person is. They don't
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know where that other person's been. There are also statistics floating around about how many
12:37
married men and women cheat. And frequently in 2018,
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it was 20% of men that have ever married and
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cheated ever in their marriages. 13%. I'm sorry. I said
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before it was 15%. 13% of women that cheated.
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Now this is having sex. With someone other than their spouse while they're married.
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Okay, this is while they're married. This doesn't include emotional cheating.
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This doesn't include the people that are online that are messing around with
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you. But I will say that a lot of these cheaters use the online
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platforms in order to find targets.
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And I will say you feel like a target or a mark because they
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have no intention of doing anything. They're just out there trying to, to sow oats
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that they shouldn't be sowing. Those are self-reported experiences
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across marriage history. They are not, they are not
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the percentage cheating right now. And they don't tell us how many people were serial
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cheaters. So you may have in those 20%, a person out
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there that cheats 10, 20 times a year with different women,
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messes with 10 or 20 different women's heads. They could have multiple different relationships.
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That is the problem. And now they're spreading disease potentially around with
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other people. So we should not label all men or women based on these figures,
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but we also shouldn't assume that everyone who cheated once keeps
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doing it, but most of the time they do. Still, one dishonest
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person can hurt several people, and a person who repeatedly lies may
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leave behind a spouse, a dating partner, future partners who now have a harder time
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trusting anyone. That damage can spread well
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beyond one relationship. It can affect other people for years, some people
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decades. And the problem is, is as they spread it,
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they're making an influence not just on one person, it's spreading around
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to many people. The honest people coming afterwards end up facing suspicion
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they didn't, didn't even create. That's one reason I want us to protect ourselves
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without deciding everyone is guilty before we meet them, because some
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people chase novelty. Some want reassurance that they're still desirable
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in their 40s or 50s. Some want the stability of a
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relationship and the excitement of behaving as though they don't have one.
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Whatever the explanation is, they remain responsible for what they choose
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to do. If you want something different, have the
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uncomfortable conversation or just don't get into a relationship.
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Come on. How, are you? This is the most immature thing. If you don't
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want to be faithful to the person you're with, don't be in a relationship.
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Don't act like a little kid. There are real consequences out
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there. Be clear about your relationship agreements. If you choose to leave,
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be honest about that too. Being an adult means accepting
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that honesty may cost you something, but you need to
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be honest. It's ridiculous the amount of lies that are going on out there.
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You don't get to keep somebody loyal to an agreement you're secretly breaking.
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I wish there was a contract for people to sign when you get into an
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exclusive relationship because honestly, it's dangerous
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what people are doing to people when they cheat on them. Would better verification
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help? I don't know, it could, but a photo verification badge is not
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a certificate of singleness. Tinder itself says photo verification
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does not guarantee the authenticity of everything someone tells you. Of course
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it doesn't. Even confirming that a person is legally unmarried
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wouldn't establish whether they're living with a partner or have promised someone exclusivity.
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That's the problem. Relationship availability is more complicated than
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a checkbox. You need to ask direct questions, but sometimes people lie. You can
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ask them if they're married, separated, or involved with anyone, and I've
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had people that were involved with other people or married
16:11
and still lied straight to my face. Is there someone who believes
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you're exclusive? What are you actually hoping to find? And even
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when you ask it, you have to follow their actions and watch because so many
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people lie. I had a person I went on a date with and I found
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out later he was still married. So you have to be careful,
16:30
be very careful, and don't sleep with people on the first date. Just do yourself
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a favor. If you're jumping into sex with people, you're gonna have
16:37
to understand you may be sleeping with somebody that's in a marriage or with someone
16:41
else. Give yourself time to see whether they answers fit their behavior
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because their behavior says more than the person. And there are people that say they're
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single all the time and they're in relationship. There are people that say they're single
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all the time and they're in relationship because consistency does matter.
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So does willingness to let you become part of their ordinary
17:00
life as the relationship develops. Sometimes people
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move in with you and they're still having other people on the side. A private
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person though isn't automatically hiding a spouse. But you
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are allowed to decline a situation where the secrecy never makes sense.
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Maybe they don't talk to you on the weekends, or maybe they talk hit or
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miss. You don't need courtroom-level proof to decide a relationship isn't right for you.
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If it's not right, just move on. Sometimes people just aren't ready, or the timing's
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not right. Sometimes you need to meet people beyond the apps as well.
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So let's get you into some different rooms, because I will
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say the dating apps are rough. You do not have to spend your weekends in
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bars if that's isn't your scene. You also don't have to wait
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for a stranger to fall in love with you in the produce aisle, which so
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many people say has happened. Lovely if it happens, but it's a poor scheduling
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strategy, I will say. Start with dinner parties and organized
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social dinners. There are dating sites now where you go
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out to dinner with a group of people that are single your age, and each
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week you can go to a different dinner and meet different people. It's a way
18:04
to get out there and meet different people. It's without having to plan the whole
18:08
evening yourself. Time Left is also one example.
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It offers social gatherings and separate singles formats
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in participating cities. Read the event description carefully. A regular social
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dinner is not necessarily a table full of available people. An event advertised for
18:23
singles is not proof that every attendee has been independently and adequately screened
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because you may have married people showing up at some of these dinners as well.
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You just don't know. The appeal though is simple. You get to hear someone
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speak, notice how they include others, and see whether the conversation
18:39
feels natural and without the pressure of a one-on-one date.
18:43
Even if there's no romantic connection, you may make friends who introduce you to
18:47
someone else later. There's also Meetup. Meetup is one of those apps
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out there you can search for local walking groups if you wanted to,
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hiking clubs, book discussions, photography outings, whatever you
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like. Social groups, they have different ranges and ages. There are groups
19:02
centered on being single and groups centered on simply just enjoying activities. You can
19:05
also create your own version. Ask a friend to co-host dinner
19:09
or brunch, invite a few people you know and have each bring someone
19:13
new if you're planning a singles dinner and there are a lot of divorced people
19:17
out there right now, but say it clearly and ask people to invite someone that
19:21
they understand to be unattached or interested, that way they're a
19:24
little vetted, but keep it friendly. Nobody needs to arrive feeling like they're being auctioned
19:29
off or set up over salad or the dinner. The useful
19:33
part is finding something recurring. If you've enjoy the
19:37
group, go back. Seeing people over time gives you more chances to become comfortable
19:41
and have conversations that aren't squeezed into introductions.
19:45
Respect what the group is for though. Everyone at a hiking meetup
19:49
has agreed to hike and they haven't all agreed to be approached romantically.
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Some of the people in a hiking group may be married. Start by being a
19:56
good member of the group. If you want clearer dating intent,
20:00
try organized singles events or speed dating.
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There's also, in my area, there's also a dating where you
20:06
can actually go and do activities together, and they have it every single week.
20:10
Some of them are on Meetup, some of them are set up where there's like
20:13
a dinner party and 20 or 30 singles show up.
20:17
Thursday is one company offering in-person singles events. Local organizers
20:21
also run age-specific gatherings, coffee dates,
20:25
and other formats. Check the actual venue and age range before
20:28
looking because an event may still be hosted in a bar and you have
20:32
to show up to meet people. Speed dating lets you also meet several people
20:36
in one evening and decide whom I'd like to talk to again.
20:39
A few minutes won't reveal someone's character, but it can tell you more
20:43
about conversational chemistry than another week of messages or texting.
20:46
I'm telling you, the endless texting on dating apps is driving me nuts.
20:50
Friends are another option people are overlooking because asking
20:53
friends awkwardly— be specific. I'm open to meeting someone kind and available
20:58
who wants to commit, wants a committed relationship. If someone comes to mind, I'd be
21:02
welcome to an introduction. That's fine. You can say that without the
21:05
awkward setup. I mean, I, I've known people that go into the tell
21:09
a friend and then their friend nonstop wants to set them up with people.
21:12
Say, I, I would be open to it, but I would like to hear about
21:15
them first. Give your friends enough information to be helpful though. Saying that you're
21:19
ready to meet someone is more useful than hoping everyone notices you're single.
21:22
Ask how well they know the person. A familiar face is start—
21:26
is a starting point, not a guarantee. One thing I want to say though is
21:30
you need to go into dating healed as well. You shouldn't be
21:34
going into relationships trying to find someone to fill you up. If you have inadequacies
21:38
or something that you're looking for in the other person, do you have it fulfilled
21:42
in your own life? Church and faith communities
21:45
can be worthwhile if faith matters in your life as well. Looking beyond
21:49
the service itself, there are many adult groups,
21:52
volunteer projects, community meals, or singles gatherings in
21:56
church groups because a lot of people in church, they have the thought
21:59
process, the same faith. Shared beliefs can give you something
22:03
meaningful to explore. You still need to observe how people
22:06
treat people and handle responsibly, because just because somebody says
22:10
they're religious doesn't mean they are. I've dated men that were— said they were religious
22:13
and they still were cheaters. Being in the same building on Sunday doesn't answer every
22:17
question about compatibility or character or integrity.
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You just have to realize that they may have a darker side to them because
22:24
there are people that do lie. I may sound a little jaded because
22:28
I've been through the dating apps and I've seen the darker side
22:32
of it. The truth is, is that classes are another practical route. Cooking,
22:36
pottery, dancing— pickleball is a big one for people our age
22:39
now too. A class that meets for several weeks can be especially useful.
22:44
Dance classes are great too. Pick something you actually like though.
22:47
If you spend the entire class pretending to love an activity you
22:51
hate, you're setting yourself up to be with a stranger that you're gonna
22:55
hate being with because they're gonna want to do the activity with you. For people,
22:58
if you enjoy walking clubs or recreational sports or
23:02
group fitness, then try to find somebody that's also into that,
23:06
or go to gym events. There's a lot of gym events where singles show up.
23:09
I will say weekends, Friday night, Saturday night at the
23:14
gym, that's where a lot of singles are there. So if you,
23:18
if you're out Friday night or Saturday night and you don't have a date,
23:21
go to the gym. Though be considerate because there are married people there too.
23:24
Someone with headphones on concentrating on a set may not
23:28
want to talk to you. Let conversation develop naturally and take
23:32
a lack of interest gracefully. Volunteering can also broaden your circle. Find a cause you
23:36
care about, whether that's an animal shelter, a food pantry, or a community
23:40
garden. Some people working alongside people that gives
23:43
you a chance to notice how they cooperate or treat other people. The possibility of
23:47
meeting someone is an additional benefit. Professional associations
23:51
may also be a way to go. Alumni gatherings,
23:55
lectures, education courses, and consider travel groups
23:58
too. There are single travel groups for people in your area. A local day trip
24:03
can fit in your budget, or a hiking weekend. A lot of times there'll be
24:07
people in your area, so you don't have to worry about the logistics issues.
24:10
If dating is the priority, check whether the trip is actually for singles and
24:14
whether the age range suits you. Book something you would enjoy
24:17
even if romance never happens. A vacation is expensive, so you need
24:21
to and enjoy yourself even if you don't find your person. There are
24:25
professional matchmakers as well that can appeal to someone who
24:29
wants help to make introductions and has the budget for
24:32
it. I will say hiring a professional matchmaker
24:37
tends to be less likely that you're going to have a person that's in
24:40
a relationship because people are paying money for it. So they're paying money
24:44
to find a good person, but paying for a service doesn't guarantee
24:48
compatibility. Or a successful relationship. It probably
24:52
leads to more honesty, but there's no guarantee of that either.
24:55
But you also have to ask what the screening includes. Do they check identity?
24:59
Are they— have they checked whether the person was in a relationship? How do
25:02
they assess relationship status? How many active candidates are
25:06
they working with that fit your age? Because some people sign on with matchmakers
25:10
and then find out there's nobody there for them to match with. You have to
25:14
be careful with matchmakers. And so find out where their statistics are and verify them.
25:18
And then what counts as an introduction? Because here's the thing. If you
25:22
get an introduction and then all they do, you, all they do is people cancel
25:27
on you. Are you paying for the introductions and the matches, or are you
25:30
paying a monthly fee? You don't need to tell, to try all
25:34
of these options at once. In fact, I don't recommend it. It would be overwhelming
25:37
unless you have a full-time, full-time availability to just meet
25:42
people. Choose one recurring activity that you can do every week
25:45
that is enjoyable for you. It gives you something to manage and makes
25:50
it so the you're not stressed out about dating. If you have an app,
25:52
go on to Meetup. Meetup is a really good place to find other
25:56
single people. You may not find a match, but I found several friends at different
25:59
meetups, even for singles. And remember to always use your transportation
26:04
and don't trust people until you actually know who they are,
26:07
because there is still safety and security that's needed even at
26:12
our age. Now let's talk about what happens when you meet somebody you like.
26:15
You have a wonderful date. The conversation flows. You're attracted to them.
26:19
For the first time in a while, you're very excited.
26:23
Enjoy that. You don't have to punish yourself for having feelings, but one
26:26
good evening gives you a reason to consider another date. It doesn't
26:30
give you enough information to decide that this person should become your whole future.
26:34
Be very careful because sometimes after one date, a lot
26:38
of attachment starts to form. This is where dating more than one person can help
26:42
if it suits you. Meeting a few people before choosing exclusivity can keep you from
26:46
investing everything in the first promising connection. It also
26:49
gives you a chance to notice what actually works for you.
26:53
Maybe the person who is spectacular over text is unreliable in
26:56
person, or maybe someone whose profile would never have grabbed you
27:00
turns into a thoughtful, funny, and easy-to-spend-time-with person.
27:04
Give yourself enough experience to make a choice based on more
27:08
than relief that somebody finally showed interest.
27:11
I know for me, that's one of the things that I realized that I didn't
27:14
give myself enough chances to date. It was so frustrating on
27:18
the dating apps that I was just like, oh, this is overwhelming. So I ended
27:22
up turning it off because I was like, I have too much stuff going on
27:25
and I need to allocate more time to it. But when I go out and
27:27
date, I need to date more people because I haven't dated enough. And when
27:32
you haven't dated enough, the people you do have a connection with, the connection seems
27:35
to be stronger than it should be sometimes, and you allow them
27:39
to treat you in ways that you shouldn't be treated. But be honest with
27:43
yourself. You can say, I'm dating with the intention of finding a relationship, and tell
27:46
that to the other person. Or, I'm still getting to know people and I
27:50
haven't agreed to exclusivity with one person yet because I'm still trying to find
27:55
my person. And that's okay to say too, but don't imply commitment to several
27:59
people because you're afraid that they'll leave if you tell the truth. Don't make
28:02
people compete for you or keep someone hanging around
28:06
when you know they aren't interested. The same honesty you expect
28:11
from other people applies to you, so make sure that you're honest I don't know
28:14
why people can't just be more honest. If it's not a good fit, just let
28:18
it go. Stop wasting time with people that aren't on your level or
28:22
don't match with you. And that's okay. You don't have to match with everybody.
28:27
If you prefer dating one person at a time, that's okay too. It does not
28:30
make you needy. It's just who you are. Keep your friendships,
28:33
routines, and perspective. And maybe you date one person,
28:36
but you're gonna have to screen them quicker and faster,
28:40
or it could take a really long time. You can focus on one connection
28:44
while still letting trust develop gradually. There's no required number of
28:48
people you need to date to prove you're secure. When you find someone
28:52
you want to focus on, that's fine, but have the exclusivity conversation.
28:56
And if you have the exclusivity conversation and they still may
29:00
have other people, but you have to make sure you both mean the same thing
29:03
when and what exclusivity means to you. Does that mean they're gonna stop
29:08
on dating apps? Does that mean that they're going to stop looking for other people?
29:11
Does that mean they're going to stop talking to other women? If intimacy is involved,
29:15
talk openly about sexual And expectations too.
29:19
Are you getting them tested before you have sex? Think about this as an
29:23
adult way. This is not hookup season unless that's what you're into, but this
29:26
podcast is not about finding a hookup. Anybody can find a hookup
29:30
any day of the week. It's not a hard thing to do. The trick is
29:34
finding someone you connect with. The trick is finding someone you want a relationship
29:38
with. Eventually finding a partner means choosing someone and someone that
29:42
you work with. The point of having options is to choose thoughtfully, not to
29:46
keep shopping forever because an imaginary perfect person might appear
29:50
tomorrow. There may always be somebody prettier.
29:53
There may always be somebody smarter. There may always be
29:57
somebody wealthier or taller or whatever your criteria is.
30:01
But when you find someone that meets almost all your criteria and checks
30:05
all your boxes, that's something to be significant in life because those
30:10
are hard to find. They really are. Because people
30:13
that have consistencies and connection and alignment It's one of the harder
30:17
things to find. There are good people looking for relationships.
30:21
Some of them are just frustrated just like you, and some of them have given
30:25
up. I will tell you, I've been close at times to giving up because it's
30:28
hard. Some have stepped away from the apps and are wondering where
30:32
to go next. Try the groups. If you're stepping away from the apps, try going
30:37
to some of the meetup groups or your church groups. There's a reason to make
30:41
your world a little bigger and expand who you know. Because remember the
30:45
last podcast we had, we talked about loneliness as the main killer.
30:49
Love is important, and finding someone that you love and loves you is
30:53
really important. This week, tell a trusted friend
30:56
you're open to an introduction. Maybe find out one group you would enjoy going
31:00
to and just put it on your calendar and go every week or every month.
31:04
You don't have to turn dating into a full-time job. Don't do it. Dating apps
31:08
become a full-time job very easily. You do have to give people some opportunity
31:13
to meet you though. You can't hide at home and expect your person to come
31:16
over after you went grocery shopping and made a nice meal. They just don't
31:19
know where you are. You may need to weed through a whole garden full of
31:23
weeds, but just don't let the weeds convince you that nothing good can grow because
31:27
there are some really good people out there. There's good men out there, there's good
31:31
women out there, and there's people that do align. This is Diva Mia.
31:35
If this episode sounds like a conversation you and your friends have
31:38
been having over and over again. Send it to someone who's tired
31:42
of swiping left or swiping right. Better yet, choose an event to go
31:45
to together and, and go have some fun. Sometimes just going out for the girls'
31:49
night is fun too. Your next meaningful connection may
31:53
start with an ordinary conversation. Give yourself a chance to have it.
31:56
Give yourself a chance for love. And remember, you are love, and you should love
32:00
yourself first before trying to find love in anyone else. Else. This is
32:04
Diva Mia. I hope you have a wonderful day and,
32:07
and stay happy. Giving you love and peace. Take care.
32:13
Thanks for tuning in. Like,
32:17
subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from
32:21
you. Visit thedivadetails.com to connect. See you
32:25
next week for more.
32:30
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