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The Identity Crisis Nobody Talks About (When You Lose What Defines You) | EP18 · The Uncommons

• Parisa Bady: If today we lost our career, titles, the far family wouldn't exist. What would be left? Life deals you a hand, takes you to that place that you have to deal with things that you've covered up and layered with all your accolades to bury who you really, really are. Somehow a lot of successful people that we know are the most lost. Internally I was broken. I couldn't sleep and was thinking, ⁓ my god, I should. A lot of people wait until they check check check check check mark everything and their kids have moved out of the house to get divorced or be depressed or figure out now what. I was on top of the world. I've never felt fear before. When I got the news I was at the hospital, I just didn't know what to do. I had no power. Who are we becoming? Because each layer, while we open it up and we go deeper, we become somebody. Hi everyone, welcome to the On Commons Podcast where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a meaningful life. I'm Parisa. Paige. And today we're going to talk about a very humbling topic. I know a lot of people go through it, so it's something that a lot of us have in common and share. And not many people talk about it. And since I am used to putting you on the spotlight, Why not? You would be the one who talks about it out of everybody. I can't wait. I just can't wait. So I want to know if today we lost our career, your businesses, titles. You weren't Dr. Page Baddy anymore. We lost our family. What do you mean our family? Didn't exist. If a family if our family wouldn't exist. it was gone, if our relationship was gone, if our kids were gone, what would be left? underneath all those layers of different attachments. You're asking me? No, I'm not asking you. It's a rhetorical question. Because I think a lot of people don't think about that until something dramatic happens. You know? And a lot of people focus on building their life, which translates into success, into achievements, into money, into accolades, into titles, into social status. And then they become very good at it. But then something happens. And somehow a lot of successful people that we know are the most lost. Not because there's anything wrong with success, but because they're so focused on becoming this image of picture perfect thing that they have in their mind, that they want to get to that, that they forget to find out who they really are, if that wasn't. the case if they weren't to become whatever has been passed on to them that they should become this thing, or whatever they have cho chosen to become in the process of success. Like what would be underneath all of that? And then life has this very phenomenal way of putting you on a path that takes you back to who you are ultimately but the process Feels like suffering a lot of times. It feels like you have all the success in the world, you're making all the money, you're climbing up the ladder, you're the top doctor in the country, you've been offered the most amount of money, any doctor has been offered you're the best CEO, you're a hedge fund manager, you're doing all these like amazing stuff. And then your mom is diagnosed with stage for cancer. Or you find out your wife has been cheating on you, or you feel betrayed. You've been cheating on me? Baby, I totally You ruined it! I was going somewhere with that. You were saying that life deals you a hand takes you to that place that you have to deal with things that you've covered up and layered with all your accolades and all these additional faces of you know, money and you know, power and education, one more layer, one more layer to bury your who you really, really are deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. And then something comes in and just cuts through all that. Yeah. And just boom. And it feels like catastrophic. Like it feels like lifeing life is giving you suffering. And it's doing this thing to you. But usually what it does is that either it's taking away like whatever you are identifying with most. Or even better. is like showing you something painful that you realize, all this matter a lot more than what I thought matters. And either way, it's feels like suffering. But underneath all that it's kind of like an invitation. Yeah. To step into going inwards once you let go of everything that you've been identified with. I agree. I've know I have been through a series of events that felt like the boom that we just talked about. And I know you've been through many of them. We've talked about some of them here, like the accident we had with our son, but what was the most significant one for you lately? I mean not like two months ago, in the past like five years. I have a really good example of the lately, very, very lately a situation That brought me to the core of one of my weaknesses and had a lot to do with my identification with my ego. So what happened was that I've had this ongoing problem, which I think is one of the lessons in my life, ⁓ that I've always given so much and I've been so generous. excessively generous and at one point when I feel like it's being taken advantage of I stop and there's no middle ground and I don't know the the the middle ground. And I've learned that I've it's cost me a lot of time, energy, money, lawsuit litigation and so forth. Because as I've learned more and more and more is when you give and you give regularly, it becomes an expectation. Yeah, that's your that's the norm. And when you don't anymore, is no longer this kind guy giving. It's like, where's my money? You took it away. And then emotions come up and people think they're cheated on from from what they had. So Something like that happened and I've and I'm aware of this. And there is a dichotomy of being a giving, generous person and being in balance of making sure that you have integrity in what you do. So I dealt with that, and I had an employee that was a higher level employee that wasn't Doing what they were supposed to be doing. And I told him months ago that I need you to step up and do certain things. If you can't, I can't have you here. And this is months and months and give ⁓ a give ⁓ extensions to perform. And he didn't. And I told him, Look, if I ever let you go, I'm gonna give you enough time to prepare and so forth. And the time came and I said, Look, it's time for you to go. I'll give you a month. You don't have to do all your upper level work, just kinda be present and do whatever it is for the next month and then sort Then he was extremely upset. He asked for more time and I gave him more, gave him more time. Okay, no problem. I'll give you six weeks and you could go to your interviews, do whatever you want, just just just just be here. You don't have to do any upper level stuff. But I needed him because I wanted to make sure that I'm living with integrity. I'm not handing shit out for people when it's not deserved. And the time came, July 1st was a deadline. And he asked me for severance pay and and I told him no, which was extremely hard for me to do. I it was like it was somebody stabbing me in the knife with a knife in my belly. It's just like not my nature. I just you know, this is I always wanna help out. I've always helped out everybody in my life. I've always, you know, gone above and beyond and and So much so that it's become my problem, like we I said earlier. And and then he became almost combative with the fact that I wouldn't give him that. And he left arguing and yelling and screaming and cussing and stuff like that. And I'm like, this is the right thing to do. I gave him all the time. I did exactly what I did. I was very honorable. I lived within my honor and integrity. But yet, my natural system was completely out of whack because internally I was. Broken. I couldn't sleep all night. And I was thinking, ⁓ my God, I should have given it to him. Even though at this point, right now, ⁓ our company needs the financial finances and that how can I get this guy money? I gotta get take care of him. He's got kids. ⁓ my God. His responsibility became my responsibility, which I've done this over and over again. I've realized, I've I already know that this handicaps people. Like you give them stuff, they're not gonna learn how to make their own money. If you do stuff with them, they're not gonna be able to to to learn how to do things themselves. But what it really came down to, and the ego part of it is I'm a giving guy by nature and I love giving. But then I realized that as I was working working with my coach, is that a lot of the reasons that I gave was my ego. That I wanted to be God like. I wanted to be the guy that's the savior. I wanted to be that guy. I wanted people to like me. The identity of the generous guy. Right? So, and there is a divide of giving, just to give, and giving for a reason. For was having something back. So I was working with my coach today about this thing. And It ended up going back to my childhood and a lot of other things that has happened, ⁓ which I could go I could go into, I have no issues talking about it. But the outcome is that recently I've realized one of my biggest issues in life is one of these faces and the facades that besides the education or the finances or ability to function your brain at a certain level, just all of these things. That you layer yourself with, this was a huge thing. Ego. And I've seen this ego damage many others. Being able to overcome that concept and the idea of doing something that I've been doing for so many years and for so long was giving me anxiety attacks. I was just like, I was out of water, like a fish out of water. So it's an identity, right? An identity of a giver, of a generation. Person and all these identities are attached to ego. So ego is a common denominator. The thing that shows that there is an identity twist into it is because when somebody criticizes you for that, it really hurts deeply. Like this guy turned around and told you, well, you don't care for people. You're this and this and that, right? Yeah. And I think that's a really big wound that I have been the person who's cared for people so much, right? To the extent that my identity is somebody who cares for other people and somebody who gives all the time. And now somebody is criticizing that and saying you're not that then it comes to an anxiety attack, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I I think all these identities, so identity of a giver or a generous person is one thing. I was more talking about like an external things. I think there are layers. Like we talked about the onion layer that's in like a Sufism concept that you peel all these layers to at the end kind of kill the ego. That's the goal of the whole the whole thing is about like killing the ego. So you get to the essence of who you are without any of these attachments. And there's external layer which is your accolades, like your career, what you call yourself. You're a doctor, you're an engineer, you're a lawyer, you're this, you're that. So all these, then you peel all those one by one. Then you get to the internal layer that is kind of the middle layer, which is more of a in relation to other people. Like I'm a mom. I'm not just a mom to one, to two, to three, then each one of them eat with each kid. there is a different identity shift that becomes different parts of me that come out. So then all those layers come with it. And then a lot of people in that layer get stuck because identity of them is getting transferred into who they want their kids to be. And that's a battle and that's a struggle. And then all of a sudden you identify as a father to a soccer player who's gonna play in World Cup one day. into your kid quitting soccer or identify as a dance mom who has all these dreams for her daughter to be on blah blah dance team and then she stops pl ⁓ dancing or all that stuff like generations you've been doctors, you want your kid to be a doctor and they quit or they don't go to medical school and all that. So then that's another identity layer. Then the inner part of it is what you're talking about, which is like I identify as a generous person. Like it it's it's ⁓ it's still an identity, but it's so hard to pick it up. Yeah. Because it feels like a personality trait. And if it is a personality trait, then it should be who I am. A hundred percent. I agree. This is ⁓ I I didn't mean to come up with like the deepest like this is like I was trying to find myself exactly. It was the most recent. I'm I'm living it now as we speak because I'm going through it one, ⁓ two ⁓ we promised our audience that we're gonna be authentic and ⁓ to me i i ac actually extremely vulnerable to just say what I said for me, right? ⁓ but I wanna be truthful. I've known a lot of men and women but a lot more men, ⁓ that go through this thing which penetrates some of some of these layers that you're talking about and fa makes them face things that they're not ready to face and the universe always delivers that. Some people call it the tunnel. And when you go into a tunnel, and I've seen it in a lot of men. For me, I went into this tunnel and it's been years. And this tunnel for me where it all started was as you said, my mom's illness. My mom was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. Nine months to live. And this is literally The exact same year and just a few months before where I sold, I exited one of my bigger exits, ⁓ the biggest one at the time. I was on Cloud Nine, had plenty of money, I had you know, I was in my forties, I was on top of the world. I never felt fear before, and I was just single, wild, crazy, do whatever the fuck I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to. I didn't give a shit about anything. It was my world and that's it. My motto in life was I'm gonna grab the world by the balls and I'm not gonna let go until I die. When I got the news, I remember I was there as at the hospital, it just like this diagnosis ⁓ and at that time my mom was the the you know I wanted my mom's love more than anything else. And she was lovely and beautiful, amazing, and she was, you know, part of my soul. And I just didn't know what to do. Doesn't matter that I was a doctor. I had nothing to do with money. Had nothing to do to how powerful you are. I I thought I was so strong. I'm the strongest guy in the world. And when I was told that, I had no power. There's nothing I could and I and I did a lot. I mean I I did everything in my power to keep her. We c kept her alive for seven and a half years. It wasn't me, it was her will. She was amazing. I learned so much about life, world, her her, me during that time. I learned strength from that situation, but I had never felt so weak. And I had never felt fear and all Ola just pierces right through all these layers of what are layers that you're talking about that we build around ourselves. And just gets to a point that all the things that you thought matter most. They don't matter. Matter most they don't matter anymore. The real y your reality shifts like that. Now, that happened to be mine. And then when that happened, then in in the process I kinda left the company we talked about and then I was you know traveling. My my mom w was in remission. I was traveling and I came back and there's this this second blow was this other company that I got involved, start up. Just a crazy, crazy startup. I had to face a lot of other issues and and this tunnel continued. It wasn't like, Okay, my mom is sick, we take care of it. She passed away, we're good. Well I don't I don't think it's like a what you're talking about or what we're we're talking about in this whole topic of conversation, I don't think it's a one and done situation ever. I truly believe it's like layers of onion and you do go one layer at a time and it's not something that one time happens and then you're fine, you found yourself. Yay. Like it there's just so many layers into us that each one of these events creates an identity crisis and it creates an opportunity to become who we like become one layer closer to our true essence. Right? So your mom's event is one thing. The startup and all the ten years of stress and lawsuits and all that and ego fight is another thing. Then it's just like layer by layer is that what you're saying about like the generosity And that mask is like is a very deep, deep layer that a not a lot of people I don't think would even get there. But if they were aware enough and if they would dig enough, we all have the external masks that we put on, one on top of another, and then we have the social masks, and then underneath we have the personal masks that we put on. And then getting all those decluttered. It's just a lifelong journey. Yeah. It goes on. Once you experience something you've never experienced before, right? And you're able to deal with it and you realize I can and I did. Second issue that comes up that is similar or within within those boundaries, like you'll be able to deal with it more. I I was giving a speech today actually about frustration. There's been a lot of stuff going on with one of our companies and ⁓ the lot of change and people are getting frustrated, they're banging their heads around. And the discussion was that whenever you're in that position, whenever you're frustrated, you're crying, you don't know what to do, you feel exhausted, you're falling asleep. you're you're you're really getting to the to a level of like not knowing what to do and the confusion comes out is when you really are growing and that is because you don't know what to do you'll find a path you'll find a way and that is the growth and you rise above and you go above that right and then we had this discussion today actually so you know my mom passed away I ⁓ she was the love of my life but When my boy got hit and almost died and had this thing, his face is cut up and all that kind of stuff. Was to be honest, when you l think about it and look at it, it's way worse than my mom. It's my mom. You know, eventually she's gonna die, she's older, you know, whatever it is. And this is my little boy, my eight-year-old boy that's become disfigured. But the way I dealt with it. Would not have been the same if I hadn't dealt with my mom's death. Yeah. Right? And hadn't felt that deep, you know, pain and it was this is it was extremely painful, but it was all managed kind of differently. When we have all these facades, we get the money, we get the education, we get the job promotion, we get the title, we get the woman, we get the car. I don't know, whatever it happened, whatever all these things are, right? And then what? And then what matters most is like your family. And you start like building relationships and family and like and the kids. Social status and all that. And then And then what? What? You brought up a lot of ⁓ wealthy people that are not happy. And ⁓ I mean we know some of these guys. I know a lot of these extremely wealthy people ⁓ that have been lost in this reality that they made for themselves. And I've met ⁓ a few people that now they're in the searching path that realize that they got the money like like I'm talking about billions. Mm-hmm. Right? And what really is at the end of it. And what I found is at the end of the tunnel is giving and contribution. And making a difference. Yeah, but that could also become a mask. I'm talking even at the end of that. Because you started it with the giving thing. Yeah. ⁓ yeah. Figuring out that even giving could be a mask, right? Yeah. So giving and contribution is great. It's amazing. Like you start with external stuff, then you start giving to people. A lot of people get stuck ⁓ on the out external layer of let me create wealth, let me build my life, let me grow my career, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then they raise above that, right? Then they get to a point that they're like, okay, I'm done with like building all that stuff. I need a lot more money. I need all this money and so I can retire. Then they get to that point. They get all the money, then they retire. Then they're like, I'm bored out of my mind. What do I do now? Then they start like focusing more on their families and on their relationships. And if they pass that That step too, which a lot of people get stuck in that in relationships, they can't find a good partner, they find a partner, they can't move their relationship along, they have issues, like all that stuff, they get lost in that. If they can raise above that and figure that part out, then it's relationship with the kids. There's a lot of kids' issues and dramas, and we know people who've lost their kids, which is like the worst thing that could any anybody could experience, in my opinion, in their lifetime or lifetimes. And then you're like, okay, let me give, let me contribute, let me like give back to the society, let me educate people, let me influence people, let me give I would avoid my money, do all that stuff. And then you're like and then Right? And I think we've been through a lot of all these layers. I mean for me it just just from losing my dad when I was twelve. You know, that's when it all started. Eleven. Not twelve. Eleven. Yeah. And then all that, all the financial struggles, getting to a point that I went to the I I was I had the identity of the good kid, the good girl, the nice one. The one that always gives, the one that's always cooperative. My brother was a trouble child. I was the good one. Right? I always studied. I went to the best school. I went to the best university. I moved to the US for my master's degree. So I I was a good kid. And after I got divorced or after I got married the first time, it all started going downhill because I was like I was a good kid and I didn't want to be good anymore. Like being good was really killing me inside. And I'm like, I'm gonna be the worst that I've been. Something came out of me that I'm like, I don't want to be good anymore, right? And sometimes life gives you a slap in the face. For me, it was like I pretty much slapped myself in the face and I'm like, I'm done. Like I can't do this. So I just like put myself in a situation that I then had to deal with it. Right? And I had to walk away and I had to basically go through all the emotional turmoil to get to a point that I look back and be like, who was that person? Like that wasn't me. I remember just when I moved to the US, I I came here with it's a whole other story for another time, but I got to the US with a backpack and two hundred bucks and knew nobody here and started going to school but my confidence was so low. Like I I was learning English. My English was okay, but it wasn't conversational. Right? I could have a very limited conversation with one person, but if it was a group of people, I was lost. And then I lost all my confidence to say anything, 'cause some people laughed at me somewhere. And I was in Texas, so it was a not a very cooperative situation with immigrants. And it was it turned to a point that I would sit in groups of people And if they were not ⁓ if they were English speaking, I would not say a word for like the entire two hours. 'Cause I I just couldn't raise above the fear of saying something. Which is ironic that I we're doing a podcast now. But but it was just like all these layers of fear after fear after fear and get to a point that my dream growing up was that I wanted to work for Boeing and I wanted to like make airplane stuff and I want to work on aircraft. And I remember like walking down the production floor in Boeing and seeing that the floor is coming together so the airplane can be molded toget like it was just mind blowing for me. And that was the day that I came home and I was like, Okay, check, check, check. Now what? And then I was like, you know what? I'm gonna quit my job. I don't want a corporate job anymore. And I'm doing so good, they're investing in me to just become this like Executive level, blah blah. I don't want it. I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna start a business and I'm gonna be an entrepreneur. That's what I wanted. So I did that. And then, like, I one failed, I started another one, and then I was helping you with like developing a marketing company, all that. Then I had a kid, another kid, then I'm like, I can't work anymore. And even just going from an engineer to having a marketing company, if anybody asked me like, what do you do? I would be like, I used to be an engineer. Then I switched and now I do this. So it's just like that identity of being an engineer was so bold that I had to like I couldn't say who I am without it for years. Then that was gone. Then I was like, well I now I do all this marketing stuff. Then everybody would ⁓ I stopped working, then they're like, what do do now? I'm like nothing. I'm a mom. And then thinking being a mom is not much, right? Because there's not much achievement right away. And just going through all that, now I'm like, okay, then I did the homeschooling. Now we don't want to homeschool maybe anymore. Then I'm like, now what? Like all of it could go away. Right? Even the kids are gonna move out. They're gonna go away. And a lot of people wait until that point, until they check, check, check, check, check mark everything and their kids have moved out of the house. And they get divorced. To get divorced or be depressed or figure out now what's I'm still stuck at the cheating part, sorry. I'm like ⁓ my god. I just like all the stuff that you're talking about. Why why wh why are you why you ⁓ always like become so defensive? You cheated, motherfucker. Are you? Well, we are not, we have no evidence here. I'm out of here. I was gonna say I have something somehow we go through similar stuff at the same time. Somehow must be connected in a way. But I'm going through the same thing that I realize that my giving without boundaries, like being the good good one, being so good is becoming very problematic for me. We talked about boundaries. It's my weak point of setting boundaries and I always thought you're either a giver or somebody who has boundaries. You can't mix the two. So now trying to mix the two in every situation that I'm in right now, even with my mom, with family members, with friends, with Leon's mom, with everybody now, I'm at a point that am I giving too much? Like am I taking other people's responsibilities and making it mine? Because that's just my status quo. I I'm that's I'm so good at that. And I carry a lot of that. I've had like shoulder pain. all my life basically until very recently that it's kind of a little bit dissipating. So a part of that healing has been kind of going back to my subconscious and grabbing other people's responsibilities and handing it back to them and apologizing for thinking that they can't be responsible enough that I have to carry it for them. But in a way it comes down to who are we becoming? after all this stuff because each layer while we open it up and we go deeper we become somebody new and a part of huge part of Sufism is the same thing is letting killing the ego letting go of all this facade that you call it and all these layers that our ego is attached to and becoming what's underneath all of that, which is the connection to the eternal to the source, right? And through that we get to know the source and the higher power and the creator. And it's I feel like all of us are on a journey of getting there and that's like the overall philosophy of it. But that's why life is challenging, you know? And the bigger the challenge, the bigger the opening. Like it's just all on a path of opening our heart, opening ourselves up to transform and the more we hold on to who we think we are, the harder it becomes to go through it. I agree. It's taken me a long, long time to assume the position of vulnerability. I just don't like to be vulnerable. I just never like I would never say this shit. I never wanted my life in public. Ever. Oops. And ⁓ here we are. Well, because you don't have a middle ground. So you go from completely private, not even having a social media account, to talking about. everything in your life with everybody. So it's like I find it very cleansing for me to be able to do that. Is to be vulnerable and to op be openly vulnerable as opposed to internally just vulnerable. ⁓ I think has a different freeing level. Less of your brain and more of your heart. I'm really trying to get into my heart. I'm doing all these exercises. So I I realize the more I'm getting closer to my heart as opposed to constantly being at a computer, like information comes in and it goes to my brain, I decipher it and and make decisions, as opposed to letting those things kinda go through my body and my heart and my you know, and I feel it and feel energies, feel my children, feel you, even though you're cheating on me. And ⁓ all that. so I think if you're open to be vulnerable and to accept the fact that yeah You're a giver for a reason. You know? And I I do believe I'm I'm a giver anyway. I like yeah it's it's in my core, like I love it, I enjoy it, and I've done a lot of it without anybody knowing. But now that I realize a portion was that was my ego. Right? So the knowledge, accepting it, allows me at least to feel more connected. to the giver part of me that doesn't have the e true the true the true giver, right? 'Cause when when you don't identify that portion of it, it's all mixed up in one. And you don't even know, you can't even feel it. You don't know the reality. But when you make the the division, say I am a giving person by nature, but a lot of it or some of it or a portion of it or whatever it is was driven Because I wanted something back. Well I think that one of the reasons it's hard to differentiate between the two sides is that we label it with good or bad. You know? So giving is good, wanting something is returned is bad. While you can never define light without darkness. Yeah. There's always a duality. There's always these two come yin and yang, masculine, feminine, dark light, like they all come together. And thinking that I just want the light, I don't want the dark portion of it. It just doesn't work that way. They're not they're defined by each other, right? So it's a duality and a and it's a unity all at once. And yeah, there is a portion of giving that can be selfish as long as that portion doesn't drive the actions. You know? My hope is For anybody who is at a point that has had enough of life to feel satisfied in a way or check mark some line items to think feel accomplished and maybe is on the verge of looking into something else to soothe themselves because usually if you resist the urge to look within and get stuck in the head, then there is something needed to come and help you. It's food, it's alcohol, it's drugs, it's sex, it's like something soothing to come and get you away from this urge to look in your heart and still be stuck up here. And my hope is if anybody's listening or watching that has that urge To be able to let go of the fear of what it really takes to look inside, because there's nothing more beautiful than that. It comes with challenges, it comes with difficulties, it comes with a lot of growth, but a life without growth is never worth living anyways. So if you have any pressing question or feeling that what else? And where else should I go from here? What else is out there? There's always a feeling of flow that might be very counterintuitive, like you leaving your corporate job or your cor me sorry, me leaving my corporate job and you completely saying goodbye to being the top doctor that you were and moving to India, and then once you cross that bridge, which is very difficult, then That's what gets you can you say it again? Because you said it when you were coming back from India. That like feeling of pure power. There was a moment in my life that I was the most powerful that I've ever been. And even to this day, when I meditate or I f find I wanna find my power, I wanna be connected and balanced. I I always go there. A lot of people have that. Maybe they th they they don't think they have that, but a lot of people do. Before I left I just got rid of everything and had a backpack and moved out and did all the this this journey in India which was from monasteries. But all that is very freeing, you know. It is. It's but but as freeing as it was, at the end of the day, I had I knew I had money in the bank. There's a little a net or a backup plan. Just in case this me letting everything go and going down deep inside didn't work. You know, I had a backup plan. You know. But it did work. And w w one of the things one of the greatest things That I gained from that in the middle of this entire thing was that when I did come back, you know, I I I had my real wife. My car. My car. ⁓ beautiful car, I love this car. And you know, at one point I was like, I just felt guilty of having this, you know, car. And then it becomes one of my possessions. And one of the greatest things that I got from that journey. was that there was this this thing that if you really wanna be connected and deep and spiritual and all that, you don't need any of this possessions. Mm-hmm. Whatever it might be. And the greatest lesson for me when I came back was that I can absolutely have all these possessions, but they don't identify me. And if I don't have them, I am not gonna be a different person that if I have them. They're there. They're beautiful, I'll enjoy them. If they're not there, they're not there. Mm-hmm It's not going to make me weaker or stronger, it's not gonna make me more powerful, it's not gonna make it you still believe that. I do. You do Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. I do. I do. I it's a little bit it's a little different because I feel like now that I have a family I have a l a lot more responsibility. 'Cause I feel the stress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you you know. I do I have to provide, I have to provide. I do have to I I do feel like I have to provide. but I know down deep inside that if all of it goes away, my relationship with you, my cheating wife, and my beautiful children are ⁓ is is is is really the focal point of the value of my life. And I know that we'll figure something out, but still I want to provide great things. I know people that they don't have that. I don't know if they could continue living. And that is another great lesson that I've learned after I had children, family and so forth. That again, all that's my most precious, my most valuable, my most deepest warm asset that I have is you and my children. It's the greatest thing. And that's why I want so much. I want you know, I want to provide, I want everything for this this this thing. But if it's not there, it doesn't take that thing away. Like and and I've never felt that before. Right? So having having gone through a full circle and gone through the tunnel and come out, the lesson from the tunnel was that none of this shit really matters. All this stuff that all these layers we talked about really doesn't matter. But you still can have a night beautiful life. I have a beautiful life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't defy that. It's just not being defined by it. Is my my my most beautiful time is not when I'm driving my Ferrari. Is not when I'm doing f flying on this private jet. It's when I'm putting my three-year-old boy to sleep and I could smell. His smell while is falling asleep in my arms and I'm falling asleep with him. Couldn't pay me. Or sleeping next to you at nighttime or my other kids or ⁓ it's just like that is such a empowering, beautiful thing. ⁓ So the question is, which we might come back to it soon, who are we becoming? Who are you becoming? That's all. Ciao.