Latest / The Thriving School Podcast with Jenni Awesome / The Cost of Hiding
Transcript
- Jenni Awesome: Welcome back, friends. I'm so glad you're here. If you listen to the first episode, thank you. Thank you for joining me on this journey. In our first conversation, we talked about belonging and how at our core, every single one of us wants to know that we matter. We want to know that we're seen, valued, appreciated, and connected. We want to know that who we are is enough. And as I was reflecting on the episode and thinking about where to go next, I kept coming back to a question that has shown up again and again throughout my life, both personally and professionally. If belonging is something that we desire so deeply, why do so many of us spend time in our lives hiding? We spend so much of our time isolated and secluded and walled up from one another. Why do we do that? I don't always mean that we're physically hiding. I mean, for the most part, emotionally hiding. Yeah, some of us physically hide. Sometimes we hide behind our accomplishments. We hide behind our busyness. We hide behind the for the perfect We're hiding behind perfectionism. Hiding behind humor. Who doesn't love to tell a good joke, right? Hiding behind being the strong one. Hiding behind being the helper. Hiding behind the version of ourselves that we think other people will accept. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that almost every person I've ever worked with, including myself, especially myself, has worn some kind of mask at some point in their life. One of the most interesting things about masks is that most of us don't put them on because we're trying to deceive people. We put them on because we're trying to protect ourselves. Or we're trying to fit in. Somewhere along the way, we learned that it wasn't safe to fully be ourselves. Somewhere along the way we learned that it wasn't safe. Maybe we were rejected. Maybe we were criticized. Maybe we were told that we were too loud or too sensitive. Too emotional. I hear that one a lot. Or too ambitious. Too much. Or do we just we're not enough? Maybe we'll learn that being vulnerable. Maybe we learned that being vulnerable led to pain. So we adapted. We figured out how to survive. We created versions of ourselves that that felt We created versions of ourselves that felt safer than being seen. I've spent most of my career in education, and one of the greatest gifts education has given me is the opportunity to observe human behavior every single day. Students are fascinating because they often show us what adults have simply become better at hiding. A student who says, I don't care, is often the student who cares the most. A student who pushes people away. Is often the student who desperately wants connection. A student who constantly seeks attention is often a student asking, Do I matter? And as adults, we ask the same questions, but our strategies become more sophisticated. We don't necessarily act out in class anymore. Instead, we b bury ourselves in work. We stay busy, we chase achievements. We fill every moment of silence with activity because if we stay busy enough, maybe won't if we stay busy enough, maybe we won't have to face the fact of the things that we're avoiding. I remember a season in my own life where I thought strength meant having everything together. I thought leaders were supposed to have answers. I thought being competent meant being certain. I thought being strong meant carrying everything on my own. Like I actually went to Philmont Scout Ranch when I was twenty something and I had the heaviest pack. I was the biggest person. I carried the most stuff. Like I actually thought I was being strong for our team because I quite literally carried a heavier load than everyone else. And looking back now, I can see how exhausting that mindset was. I mean, I look back on all those opportunities I missed because I was the last one up the hill. I wasn't part of the conversation. I couldn't be there. I wasn't there for them because I thought I was doing everyone a favor by carrying a heaver a heavier load. So looking back now, I can see how exhausting that mindset has been. I was showing up for students, showing up for staff, showing up for family, showing up for friends. And trying to be everything for everyone except for me. I can see how exhausting. The problem was that I had convinced myself that asking for help was weakness. I had convinced myself that if I was struggling, I needed to figure it out privately. What I didn't realize at the time was that I wasn't protecting myself. I was isolating myself. And I recently learned, since I've recently connected with Jesus, that the devil feeds on isolation. One of the most powerful lessons I've learned over the years is that being needed and being known are not the same thing. Think about that for a moment. Being needed and being known are not the same thing. There are people who are needed by everyone. There are people who are needed by everyone around them. People rely on them. People call them when they have problems. People look to them for answers. Yet deep down they feel completely alone. Because nobody really knows them. Nobody knows what they're carrying. Nobody knows what keeps them awake at night. Nobody knows what they're afraid of. They're surrounded by people and they don't feel seen. I think that's one of the reasons belonging matters so much. Belonging isn't about being useful. It's about being known. It's about being accepted. Not just for what you do, but for who you are. It's about being able to show up as your imperfect, growing, learning, human self, and still be welcomed. It's about knowing that your value isn't tied to your productivity, your title, your accomplishments, or your ability to hold everything together. Not in the least bit. Recently, I was talking to someone who looked incredibly successful from the outside. Actually, I'm on this kind of crazy leadership journey right now, and I can tell you, I was in a room full of a hundred and something people, and I spoke to so many people that They look successful on the outside. You check their social media, they look like they have it all put together, all made. Heck, even with our disc golf podcast, I've been able to sit down with some of our disc golf pros that look like they have everything together and come to realize they're just people. They're people like you and me. They've they've done whatever it whatever was necessary to get to where they are. They have great work ethic. They have great mindsets. And they're still human. They are still human. So I was looking at these people who seem incredibly successful from the outside. They have a great career, great family, great reputation, the kind of person people admire. And in the middle of our conversation, they said something that stopped me in my tracks. They said, I don't think anyone really knows me. I remember sitting there thinking about how many people must feel exactly the same way. How many people are performing a version of themselves that feels acceptable while secretly wondering if anyone would still choose them if they stopped performing? And that's one of the things about belonging. True belonging requires authenticity. You can't truly belong while hiding. I mean think about hide and seek. You're in the game while you're hiding, but it's not really fun until you're found. If people only know the mask, then the mask belongs. Not you. Deep down you'll always wonder whether people would still love you, respect you, or choose you if they knew the real story. That's an exhausting way to live. It's exhausting because no amount of achievement can heal the fear of being unknown. And the older I get, the more I believe that courage has less to do with being fearless and more to do with being authentic. Courage is telling the truth. Courage is admitting when you're struggling. Courage is asking for help. Courage is setting boundaries. Courage is pursuing the dream that scares you. Courage is allowing people to see parts of your story that aren't polished yet. It's choosing connection over protection. And as I was thinking about this next episode, I was really thinking on courage because I just did a 30-day courage challenge on ⁓ mindful flight. And it made me wonder, you know, whenever I think of courage, I always think of the cowardly lion, how he felt he didn't have any courage. And the tin man didn't have a heart, and the scarecrow didn't have a brain, and Dorothy didn't have home. And I want to put this out to you. If you were a character from The Wizard of Oz. What would you be looking for to be whole? What would you be looking for to feel that you made a difference? And I have yet to come up with an answer for that. So I will be working on that. I really will. No actually, maybe I do have an answer. Something I've learned through this leadership journey is that There's this light inside of all of us. And I like to believe it's a light of connection. It's a light of love. It's connected to a higher power, to a perfect love. And I'd like to say that I'm a rainbow that's looking for the light. Because I didn't realize the light was inside of me. And that Can be a light in the dark to others. So that would be my answer. If I'm taking the courage to be truly authentic. So as I've continued growing, leading, and building my own business, I've realized that people don't connect with perfection. They connect with humanity. They connect with honesty. They connect with stories. So many people are talking about the stories they collect, and it's the stories that matter to them. It's that moment of authenticity of sharing your story with someone else. They connect with someone who's willing to say, I've been there too. The moments that have had the greatest impact on my life haven't come from people who appeared flawless. They come from people who were real enough to let me see their struggles, their growth. And their journey. So maybe that's the invitation today. Maybe the invitation isn't to become someone new. Maybe the invitation is to stop hiding. Maybe it's to stop believing that your worth has to be earned. Maybe it's to stop carrying a version of yourself that was created to survive, but is now preventing you from fully living. Maybe it's to take one small step towards being seen. Being heard. Not a giant leap. Just a step. Just one step. One honest conversation. One vulnerable moment. One truth you've been afraid to say out loud. One opportunity to let someone know what's really going on beneath the surface. Because belonging doesn't happen all at once. It happens one authentic moment at a time. Think about being on the playground. Like if you were a little kid. You go up to someone, say, hey, will you go down the slide with me? Will you play on the swings with me? Will you know, I'm gonna tag you, just come up and tag you. And it's those moments. It takes a few moments before you're in the game playing with the other kids. One authentic moment at a time. And if there's one thing I hope you take away from today's conversation, it's this. The world does not need a more polished version of you. It doesn't need a more perfect version of you. It does not need a version of you that has everything figured out. The world needs the real you, the growing you, the learning you. The healing you and the courageous you. The world needs you as you are. Because as someone told me in a group the other day, your survival story could be someone's survival manual. Because that's the version that creates connection. That's the version that creates belonging. And that's the version that has the power to change lives. So thank you for spending time with me today. Until the next time, keep showing up, keep growing, keep becoming, and keep reigniting belonging.