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275: Starting Scared, with Chrysty Lockhart · Beautifully Complex

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Failure is looked at as such a dirty word, but
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: you can't have success without the failure because the failure
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: you learn what works, what doesn't work, how I'm going
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: to pivot, how I'm going to try again. You learn
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: your resilience, you learn perseverance, you learn for it. I mean,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: like all of these amazing qualities come from failing, because
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: then you figure out what you want and what you're
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: really good at after you fail.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Hey, everybody,
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I am super thrilled to
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: have Christy Lockhart here to talk about starting scared. And
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: I was telling Christy before we started recording this the conversation,
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I need to have have a lot of anxiety, as
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: every listener knows, and I let it hold me back
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: and sometimes I do need to just step into it
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: and start scared. So I think this supplies to just
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: as parents. It also applies to our kids, and it's
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: going to be a really enlightening conversation when you start,
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Christy though, by just talking about who you are and
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: what you do.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: Hi, I am so honored to be here. Thank you
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: so much for having me. I am first and foremost,
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I'm a Christian, I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: recently retired as a teacher.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: I'm a podcaster. I also have.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: Anxiety, and I'm a mom to an adhder and so
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: he is just a ball of fun energy.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah. I am an avid reader.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I love to read fiction books, and I am just
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: kind of on a mission to show moms, especially that
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: who they are outside of being a mom still matters,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: and that putting that step forward to start scared on
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: living the lives that they dream to live are still
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: within their reach, even though they feel like sometimes they
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: lose themselves in the chaos of everyday mom life.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: So it's a little bit about me.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so easy to lose ourselves, and it's so
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: easy to just get caught up in the flow of things,
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: especially if we have complex kids and really sort of chaotic,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: overwhelming family life. We just get on an autopilot, and
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: when we show up with more purpose and intention, we
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: can live the life that we really want to live.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: I think that a lot of times we assume that
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: it's not possible for us because it seems so hard
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: to do. But I have learned that if you just
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: take a little bit of time to be really into
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: intentional and purposeful, then you really can craft a life
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: that you want. Not to say that we can get
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: rid of NHD, r auts as or any of those things, right,
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: but just that we can have more influence then we
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: probably think that we can have. Does that make sense?
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely, And I agree with that.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: And I think that we're in such a beautiful position
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: as moms and especially with our complex children, that we
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: set such a good example that even though we have
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I mean, we all have our own complexities, and if
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: we do things that bring us joy, light our soul
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: on fire, you know, that sets the example for them
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: to pursue their passions and live their dreams. But also
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: to remember that just because they become a parent doesn't
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: mean life stops, right, that you're still a whole, complete
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: human being outside of the hats that you wear.
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, how do we tap into that how do we
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: find or make the time to be sure that we
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: still nurture that person that we are outside of parenthood.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: That's a really good question.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: I think it's really hard, and I think that it
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: takes a lot of intentionality and a lot of support.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Like I have such a supportive husband, but you know,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: so he'll take Bruce for you know, boys' nights so
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I can go out with my girlfriends or whatever. But
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: also if you don't have that support, you know, there
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: are a lot of single moms out there. But just
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: even getting up thirty minutes before your child does, but
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: being intentional with your calendar and making sure that you
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: set time aside to do things that you want to
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: do that you know bring you joy, even if it's
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: journaling or a gratitude practice or working out. It can
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: be as small as a walk around the block in
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: the morning, you know, but getting yourself grounded, because if
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: you don't start the day in a fully grounded way,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: then it's like trying to like grab you know, some
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: to support throughout the rest of the day, right because
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: you're not grounded and you haven't put yourself first yet.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: But it's just all about that intentionality and it's not easy,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: especially when you have young kids, but you do have to.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I feel like in order to be a better mom,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: you have to take some time to really put yourself first.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's such a myth that a good parent sacrifices
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: themselves for their kids, because when we sacrifice ourselves for
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: our kids, our intention is to give them our very best, right,
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: to give them all of us. But what happens if
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: we don't take care of ourselves is we're less able
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: to do that, you know. So this cultural idea that
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: the best parents are the ones who completely sacrifice themselves
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: entirely is not true. It can't be true because we
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: do have to take care of ourselves. I started by
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: us being okay with letting go of some of the
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: household like daily chores like doing the dishes at night
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: after dinner and just watching TV instead, so that I
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: could turn my brain off and I could chill out,
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: because that's what worked for me to be able to
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: go to sleep honestly, right, like to be able to
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: recover enough from the day to go to sleep and
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: start fresh again. And so I got okay with, hey,
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: there might be some dirty dishes in the sink for
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: a couple of days. If that's what I need, that's okay, right,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: And I think that self talk is really important here, right.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And I think that's such a good point because you know,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: previously I would have these to do lists, and I
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: would feel like I would have to get the to
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: do list done in order to feel successful.
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: But those to do lists never get done. Right.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: So I have a mentor who said, okay, you know, brain,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: dump everything that you want to do out on paper
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: and then label the top three things. If you get
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: those three things done today, then that's awesome. If you
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: get anything else done, it sprinkles on the cake.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: And so I really try to live my life like
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: that now, because you know, the dishes in the sink.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Although I would hate that also, I do that too
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, I'm done, I'm tired, I'm tapped out,
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: I'll do it tomorrow. It's not going to hurt anything
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: that the dishes are sitting in the sink. I'd much
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: rather go read my book and decompress a little bit.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: So it is like really just letting go of that
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: perfectionism that we feel like we have to get everything
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: done in order to quote unquote feel successful.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that you know it's not all possible.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed, one hundred percent. Yeah. I am an uber
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: organized person. I have a very structured brain or something like.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: It's so weird. When I wash my hands, I have
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: to make sure both hands are wet before I can
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: be done and dry. If I only have one wet
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: hand and wet dry hand, my brain like freaks out.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: That's how my brain works. And so for me, I
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: was constantly walking behind everyone cleaning everything up. I needed
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: the order for myself, but I was actually making myself
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: more crazy than just trying to accept that it wasn't
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: going to be perfect anymore. And I had to accept
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: that there wasn't anything wrong with people in my house
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: who maybe aren't as organized as I am. It's just
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: a difference in the way our brains work. But I
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: had to get where I could let go of that
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: perfection or I was going to lose my mind. And
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: my kids were not learning how to pick up after
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: themselves either. Right if I was doing it all for them,
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: there's no skill building happening. And I think that's what
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: we're talking about here, is like these little acceptances, these
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: little things that we can shift our thinking around so
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: that we can take time to take care of ourselves,
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: to nurture that person that we are outside of parenthood.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: And one of my goals like recently is to just
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: have more like ease and peace in my house. And
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: it starts with me, you know, like I can't create
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: ease and peace in my household if I'm not full
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: of ease and peace. And so those little things like
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: I would do the same thing walk behind the kids
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: and picking up, you know, after them, And I'm like,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: I'm training them to know that I'm going to pick
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: up after them, So why do they need to do
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: it anyway?
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: Right exactly?
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and then I hold on to the resentment that,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: you know, why can't they clean up after themselves? But
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: really it's me who's teaching them those things that you know,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Mom's just going to come back and do it for you.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Like for me, like I said, I just want ease
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: and peace and joy. And if I don't start with myself,
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: then how is anybody else going to create that?
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: You know in the house too?
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: Because I set the tone as the mom, right, I
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: feel that really hard that you know, if my nervous
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: system is at a whack, it's going to cause their
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: nervous systems to be at a whack, you know.
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, that energy is contagious, and yeah, it was
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: something that I really had to work on early on
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: in my own thinking. I had a very victim mentality,
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: which I've talked about a million times here on the podcast.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: But I had to take that journey so that I
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: could quit obsessing about the struggle and ADHD and show
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: up differently because no one wanted to be around me anymore. Right, Like,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I was alienating my family, I was bringing myself down.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I was making myself think that everything's bad. I was
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: making them feel like everything was bad. Right, And so
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: when I shifted, it was like this huge sigh of
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: relief in the whole household, and it made room for joy.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: But I had to intentional about that. Right, if I
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: just kept going on autopilot, we'd still be obsessed with
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: all the negative and we would not be doing anywhere
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: near as well as we are. And it's just so
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: important that we show up in the way that we
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: want our kids to feel. Right, how do we want
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: to make our kids feel? It's super super important because
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: it starts with us. As you said, it really really does.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I just had a conversation with my nine year old.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: We have three kids, one's twenty one, just turned eighteen
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: and nine, and Bruce said today that and it was
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: so convicting. He goes, well, yesterday you argued with daddy
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: and today you're arguing with me. And I'm like, who's
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: the common denominator?
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: You know what I mean?
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Like, it's not Bruce, and it's not my husband, Frank.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: The common denominator is me. And you know that's just again,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: I'm on this journey of healing myself and learning and
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: accepting that you know, I can change me, I can't
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: change other people. But it was just really convicting for
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: me that, yeah, it does start with me. It is
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: something that I have the ability to change. But you
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: don't have the ability to change if you're not willing
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: to look it straight in the face and realize that, Okay,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I need to work on myself a little bit more
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: and not holding shame to that, because I feel like
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: if you would have said that to me two or
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: three years ago, I would have felt very shameful and
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: probably maybe even gotten very.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: Defensive about it.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: But I was like, you know what, You're right, Bud, like,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: thank you for you know, holding me accountable to my actions.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: You know, he did it in a very loving way,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: which I really appreciate. But that's the beauty of having kids.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: You know, they hold the mirror up to you and
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: you know, allow you to recognize the things that you
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: may not recognize in yourself until you know they show
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: it to you.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, it's such a good illustration of kids giving
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: us signals of what they need to write. He was signaling, Hey,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: there's a lot of you know, discord going on here,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: and it feels kind of yucky to me, so I'm
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: going to say something right, And I just don't think
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: we're open enough sometimes. And what was great was you
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: were open to what he was saying. You didn't take offense,
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: you didn't you know, get really emotional, and you just
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: were like, Okay, yes that's true, and I'm going to
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: do something about it. And we all have that ability
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: if we're just more open minded, I think, to what
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: our kids are saying. Yeah, even if it doesn't feel good.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, it definitely doesn't feel good to be
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: told that, like you're the common denominator here. But I
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: appreciated the honesty and I appreciated, you know, the accountability
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: because he knows, he knows that I want joy and
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: peace in the house. And you know, I'll be the
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: first one to admit my nervous system was so dysregulated
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: yesterday that that's why, and I should have done something
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: about it before I got upset with you know, the
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: people in my house who had nothing to do with it.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: You know, it's such a beautiful thing to be able
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: to have those kinds of relationships with because I think
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: a lot of times as moms or as adults, like
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: even you know, the older generation. You know, a lot
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: of kids are you know, be seen, not heard and
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: you know, or not to have an opinion or not
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: to you know, stand up for themselves. And I'm so
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: not in that mindset, Like, if something's bothering him, I
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: want him to feel safe, to be able to come
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: and tell me yeah, you know, without worry that he's
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: going to get in trouble or whatever. You know, And
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: we talk a lot about there's nothing you could do
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: to make me ever stop loving you.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: We will figure it out together.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: But you know, it's just interesting the dynamics and the
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: changes in our generations, you know, as now we're kind
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: of learning more about psychology and kids and stuff like that,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: and learning more about the brain, and it's just really
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: interesting to me. And I wish I would have taken
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: more psychology class, right.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: I know me too. If only I had known how
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: much I really needed in those psychology glasses and to
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: be a therapist, maybe that would have been really smart.
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• 16:39
  Speaker 2: Let's talk a little bit about starting scared and how
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: that can apply I think in everyday life, because we
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: could easily say, well, you know, I want to do
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: this thing, I've never done it before, I'm really scared.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Oh this is how you you know, get over the
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: hump and do it. But I think this is also
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: part of day to day life, right absolutely.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I have always been afraid to try anything new, like
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: out of fear of looking dumb. What would people say,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: what would people think? How would they react? And it
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: kept me stuck for like my whole life. And I
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: think back and I have so many regrets growing up
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: that I didn't do the things that were on my
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: heart that I wanted to do because I was too scared.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: And so it wasn't until a couple of years ago.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: That I was like, Okay, I want something else in
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: my life, Like you know, I go to work, I
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: come home, I do the wife thing, I do the
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: mom thing, Like there's got to be more. And so
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I am obsessed with podcasts. I love to listen to them.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: And I have a friend who has, you know, a
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: podcast course, and I slid into her DMS and I
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: was like, Hey, I think I want to start a podcast.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I think I have things that I want to talk about.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: I'm super introverted. I don't like the people a whole lot,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: so podcasting is kind of like a ride up my alley, right,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: you know, I can talk to myself and they'll talk
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: to my cat and it'll be fine. But I was like,
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: who's going to listen? What am I going to talk about?
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I'm not an expert in anything. All of these like
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: scared thoughts going through my head. And so that's actually
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: why I named my podcast start Scared, because I knew
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: that if I didn't just rip off the band aid
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: and start, even though I was so scared, it would
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: never happen. And so that's kind of ended up being
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: like my motto for the last couple of years is
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: just to start scared, just to do it, even if
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: I have no idea what I'm doing. I have no
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: idea how it's going to work out. I have no idea.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Who is going to care? If I care, that's what matters.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: And so being able to do that, and because I
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: feel like if there's a calling place on your heart,
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: or even if it's just on your heart to try
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: that one thing, it's not there on accident, right, And
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: so even if you don't know how it's all going
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: to work out, it doesn't have to be a forever
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: thing either, you know what I mean. Like if you
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: want to go and try an adult gymnastics class and
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: you decide you don't like it, that's cool too.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: You don't have to do it again, you know.
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: But if it's on your heart to just try, you know,
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: living with regrets is so much harder than just trying.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: It scared, you know.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, When my kids were young, they used to be
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: in Little League. Well, my son didn't last very long deempall.
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: My mother my daughter played softball all the way through
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: to a couple of years into high school. So we
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: were at the ballfield a lot, and one year we
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: were invited we have like a Triple A ball team
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: here because we're in a pretty small town, and we
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: were invited to the ballfield and the I think the
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: training manager was talking to the kids. And this was
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: years and years ago, and I still remember it and
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: think about it often. He said that in baseball softball,
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: whatever you fail, the majority of the time, you have
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: to be okay with failing to be able to play
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: that sport because all the times you swing that bat,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: how many times you actually going to get on base
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: much less score? Right? And when we think about that,
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: if you watch like a Major League baseball game, they
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: are swinging and swaying and swinging and failing, but yet
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: they're super successful baseball players. Right, And so just changing
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: like that perspective that you can be very successful at
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: something and still have mistakes, still have what you would
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: consider a failure, but it can still be successful. You know,
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: the two things can go together. And it's kind of
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: mind blowing, right.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: I love that perspective and it's so true. It's so true.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: And that's actually one of the questions that I ask
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: a lot of people who come onto the podcast is
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: you know, just for full transparency, I want to know
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: about it time you failed and how it provided clarity
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: for you. And I think that that is because failure
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: is looked at as such a dirty word. Yeah, but
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you can't have success without the failure, because the failure
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: you learn what works, what doesn't work, how I'm going
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: to pivot, how I'm going to try again. You learn
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: your resilience, you learn perseverance, you learn grit. I mean,
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: like all of these amazing qualities come from failing, because
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: then you figure out what you want and what you're
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: really good at after you fail.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and if it's too easy, it doesn't feel very
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: successful anyway, right. It just that's so it doesn't have
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: the same impact as when something is really challenging and
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: we really stick through it, or we really put ourselves
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: out there, right. And it's such a good example for
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: our kids. I think so many of our Nerdi version
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: kids really struggle with pushing through discomfort, trying something they
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: think is going to be hard.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: I talk about all the time. My son's a serial
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: avoid and it's getting a lot better as he's gotten older.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: He has learned that he can do some things that
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: are uncomfortable or hard. He can do something that he
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: normally would have said, Nah, that's okay, I'm not willing
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: to go there and try that, right, Just a couple
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: of weeks ago, he wanted to go to a convention
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: about four hours from our house, and it was pretty
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: last minute. It was the middle of the week. I
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: had all sorts of meetings and stuff. He doesn't drive still,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: and it was a friend that he knew online that
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: he hadn't had an opportunity to meet, who had really
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: been supportive to him over the years. And so I
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: made it happen. And like the friends had an airbnb,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: and I got a hotel, and I'm like, I'm going
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: to get it right by the airbnb. So when I
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: have to go pick him up in the middle of
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: the night, right, I'll be right there. That didn't happen.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: He got through. I was floored and shocked, but so proud. Right.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: He was like, Yeah, people were talking all night and
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: this and that, and I didn't get much sleep, but
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: I'm just so happy to be here in doing this
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: that it's okay. Right. And then he goes to this
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: convention with thousands of people. He had to stand in
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: line for two hours to get into one thing that
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: he wanted to do. He never would have done that before, right,
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: but like he just wanted it so much that he
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: was willing to push himself and step outside of his
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: comfort zone. It was scary to meet somebody that you've
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: never met in person before. There were also friends there
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: he'd never met. To stay in a house you've never
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: been in, right, to go to this giant convention, to
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: ride in a car. This was my sticking point. It
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: was so hard for me. It was that these you know,
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: twenty something boys were driving him around anything, and I'm like,
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: oh my god, please don't kill my kid. Right the
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: whole time, I'm just freaking out for forty eight hours,
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Please don't kill my kid. And he was like, you know,
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: one guy was kind of scary, but we're all right,
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: you know me just and at the end, he was
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: so proud of himself. Right, if it was easy for him,
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: he wouldn't have had that extra layer of pride and
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: fulfillment and just pure joy that came from really pushing
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: himself and succeeding at it and coming through, you know,
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: the other side, glad that he did instead of regretful, right,
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: and it was amazing.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: And then it builds confidence and now he's gonna want to,
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: you know, start scared on something else, you know, because
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: he has that confidence in his confidence bucket that he
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: can do hard things, he can push past the discomfort
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: and the scary stuff and come out on the other side.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: Okay, And so you know, like what next, What can
• 24:47
  Speaker 3: I do next? Because I can do it?
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it wires our brain for that too, Like
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: science tells us, the more we do hard things and
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: we get something positive out of it, right, more able
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: we are because it's wiring our brain to expect that
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: and it's amazing. Yeah, And the same is true for
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: us as adults.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly right.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: You're not going to know what you're capable of doing
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: unless you try. And then just like you said, you know,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: you've got that confidence and it rewires your brain that
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: oh I can do this, I can do hard things.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: And I always notice, like it just is always scarier
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: in your brain before you actually like really do.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: It, you know.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: And so we have these like expectations or the fear.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: But then when we really do start scared to just
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: you know, go for it, it's never as scary as
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: you make it seem to be in your head. Yeah.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so true. I learned over the years to
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: really challenge my anxiety more. I took a public speaking
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: gig a few years ago, which terrified me to my core,
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: and I honestly thought I was going to pass out
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: waiting for my turn the whole Like the closer it got,
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: the more physically I was just like, I'm gonna die,
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: Like I can't do this. But somehow I went out
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: and paced the hallways and breathe did a lot of breathwork,
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: and went in and I did it. And then after
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: I was like, what did I think was gonna happen?
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: Like my social anxiety brain fears judgment, Like I think
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: people were gonna throw eggs at me or start telling
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: like in the middle interrupt me. No, I never expected
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: that to happen, So why was I so fearful of? Like,
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: you know, like on the flip side, we can look
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: back and say, you know, it really wasn't that hard,
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: Like it was hard, but only for reasons that weren't
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: likely to be the outcome anyway. But now I have
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: no problem with that, right, Like if it was thousands
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: of people or something, that would be super freaked out.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: But I can take you know, speaking gigs and be
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: okay and not feel like I'm physically going to pass
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: out anymore.
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: But you wouldn't have known that because I had to
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: push exactly right, Right, I pushed myself way outside. Right.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: With our kids, we need to take much smaller steps
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: than that. If I pushed my kid to do something,
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: he felt like he was going to pass out, like
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: his nervous system was that just regulated, he would never
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: again be willing to try. Right. So we don't want
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: to push our kids that far, but we can push
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: ourselves that far if we think we can, and sometimes
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: really great stuff happens from there. It's all about just
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: being intentional. You know, you have to sit down and
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: make that choice. It's not just going to happen if
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: we don't decide to start scared.
• 27:41
  Speaker 3: That's exactly right.
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: I did my first speaking engagement on stage at an
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: event in April, and I was so scared. But she
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: asked me, do you want to be on a panel
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: or do you want to be on stage by yourself?
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: And my initial reaction was I want to be on
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: a panel because I know it would be easier, And
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: so I told her I want to speak by myself
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: because that's going to push me outside my comfort zone
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: that much more because I can do a pain all easy.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: But to be up there without someone to banter back
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: and forth with, just up there by myself with everybody
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: watching me. I'm like, that's going to push me outside
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: my comfort zone. If I want to speak, that's going
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: to be what I need to do. And so it
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: was so scary. But then once I was done, I
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: was like, I can't wait to.
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: Do it again.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. And our kids can have those experiences too,
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: we just have to make sure that we're weaving them
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: in for them and we're encouraging them without pushing them
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: outside of kind of their window of tolerance.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so true.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: Anything else you want to share before we close, Christy, No.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I just feel very called to remind moms that even
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: though the season that you're in right now can be
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: so incredibly challenging and so incredibly hard, there's in it too.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: Like I am such a glasses half empty type of person,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: and so I've been really trying to reframe my brain
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: to find the beauty in any of the seasons that
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: I'm in, regardless of what they are, and even if
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: I'm going through a hard time like my dad recently
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: passed away, Like you know, grief and gratitude can sit
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: at the same table. So you can go through a
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: hard time, but you can also find beauty in it too.
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: So just to remember that, you know, just take a
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: step back and to find the beauty and the joy
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: in any season that you're in, especially if it's hard,
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: because you're not going to get this time back, and
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: if we sit in the suck that you know, we're
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: going to look back and realize that we miss out
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: on something beautiful and wonderful and we never know the
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: lessons that we can learn unless we really truly sit
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: back and reflect on it. And so just knowing that,
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: like starting scared is so hard, but like if that
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: calling is your harder, there's something that you want to do,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: even in the midst of a hard season, do it
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: because it's probably going to bring you so much a
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: mense joy, yeah, and then confidence to be able to
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: do something else and to keep going.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: You are such a joy to talk to you, Christy.
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: I am really happy that you're on the podcast and
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: that you shared these insights. I think it's going to
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: be really inspirational for a lot of parents who are
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: listening and also to help our kids to be able
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: to push to find joy also, So thank you so much.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: I want everybody to make sure that you connect with
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: Christy through her Start Scared podcast. We're going to link
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: that up as well as website, social media, all that
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: good stuff in the show notes for this episode, which
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: are at PARENTINGADHD and Autism dot com Slash two seven
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: five for episode two hundred and seventy five. I cannot
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: believe it every time I say it so amazing and
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: I just really go there link, learn more from Christy,
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: be more inspired, and let her guide you to find
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: some more joy. With that, I just want to thank
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: you again, Christy.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: Thank you such an honor.
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: I'll see everybody next time. Take good care. Thanks for
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: and Autism dot com and at the Behavior Revolution dot
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: com