Latest / Soul Salon with Ayandastood / 69: fear of making 'mistakes'

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69: fear of making 'mistakes' · Soul Salon with Ayandastood

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  How will you speak your voice into the world if you think it's literally intolerable that you
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  might say the wrong thing? Here's the thing, my darling, my love, my angel. Hello, divine soul.
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  If you are like me, you have this fear of getting it wrong. You are afraid of saying the wrong
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  thing. You're afraid of making a mistake. You're afraid that you'll be caught out or cold out if
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  you get it wrong. And this can show up in so many different ways. It can show up in person.
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  Maybe you are at a conversation and you have something to add to say, but you feel yourself shrinking,
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  silencing your voice and your heart is racing as you think of this idea that you want to add to
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  the conversation and over and over again. You're thinking about the different ways you could say it
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  until finally, maybe someone else says it and you're like, oh, that was a great idea. This could
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  be in a meeting or it could be in conversation with friends or in some sort of setting, maybe you
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  go to a talk and then there's space for questions. You do have a question, but you don't feel safe
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  expressing it because what if you get it wrong? What if it's not a good question? What if you
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  make yourself sound a certain way that you don't want to be perceived? And then online in the
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  digital realm, it's like, what if I say the wrong thing? What if this is somehow insensitive in a
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  way that I don't fully understand? What if I hurt someone? What if I cause harm with my words?
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  Very deep and loving fears as well around like not wanting to cause harm. I hear this from
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  the beautiful beings I work with all the time. I clients that what if something I say causes harm?
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  I don't want to cause harm. So this fear of getting it wrong, it comes from childhood. You know,
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  it's so conditioned with an in us that we don't get to make a mess. If we broke something or if we
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  made a mess as a child, we were criticized. We were reprimanded. We were scolded. This could be
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  in the family setting at schools. We were always taught you are not safe making mistakes.
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  And remember that our subconscious has collected all of these stories and events. So we are holding
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  in our bodies this unsafety around getting it wrong that we don't get to do that. But the irony is
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  as people who are devoted to creating, to expressing in this life, all we've come here to express
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  from our souls and hearts is that unless we allow ourselves to feel safe to get it wrong, to feel
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  safe making a mistake, we'll never actually create anything of that deep soulful substance.
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  Because think of the cook or the chef or the baker. Imagine they said, I want to make delicious
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  cookies today or I want to make a curry or stew, but I don't want to make a mess.
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  Imagine the musician who wants to create a song that deeply resonates with people, but they're not
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  willing to sit in the earth. What comes next after this word? What rhymes with this? They're not
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  willing to sit in the mess. The mess of feelings, the mess of singing, the mess of creation,
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  the writer who's not willing to make a mess. We'll also not make anything. The first draft,
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  it's going to be messy. I want to just affirm with in you my darling, my love, my angel,
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  we're in a more cozy space like welcome to this also lawn. We're trying a more cozy vibe.
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  It is safe for you to make a mistake. It is so safe. It is so safe for you to get it wrong.
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  What if you chose to believe that? Does life itself make mistakes?
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  The one responses, yes, and that's divine and wonderful, had life not made mistakes.
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  There wouldn't be mutations and evolution. And the other take is nothing as a mistake. Everything
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  belongs in the cosmos, everything belongs in the universe. And I think these are different
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  expressions of a similar ideal sentiment. But if life wasn't allowed to make mistakes,
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  there wouldn't a sense be no life. How could life evolve from one form to the next?
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  If it refused along that process, along that journey to ever make a mistake. So I want to share
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  with you words that came to me while I was in meditation that have shaken me. I'm so shaken.
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  Like I'm so changed by these words. And they came from my higher self to me.
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  And what they were, my love. Are we ready?
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  Every mistake you make is an invitation for me to love you even more deeply.
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  Hmm. Every mistake that you make is an invitation for you to love yourself even more deeply.
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  It's a deepening, it's an expansion, it's an opening. So if you make a video,
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  and you say quote unquote the wrong thing, and maybe even someone comments on it,
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  can you meet yourself with a form of love you didn't even know you had? Can you say it's okay?
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  Can you be the divine mother to yourself, the nurturer, the healer, the safe space,
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  not conditional support, conditional safety, but unconditional love. Can you meet yourself with that?
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  You know, it's so funny. I think that everything we create is an invitation into love.
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  And it's not what we are taught. And when we were children and we played and we created
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  songs and we danced and we made acting scenes or we imagined imaginary tales and scenes,
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  we didn't even have to think about loving ourselves enough to do that. We were in a very pure
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  manifestation of love, a very pure energy of self love and self acceptance without even having
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  the language for it. We felt that we were worthy of singing, we felt we were worthy of dancing,
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  we felt we were worthy of baking and making a mess or creating a scene or doing a handstand or
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  whatever it was. I had the most precious moment yesterday that I observed. I was in the bus
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  and oh, my word, it was actually so profound. There was this little girl. She was like, I mean,
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  like, if this is the ground, like, yay high. And she was on a, what do you call those things? A
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  scooter. Okay, so maybe she's like four years old. There's a giant bus. Okay, that's trying to
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  cross and it's a passenger's cross. Whatever you call that. What do you call that thing? A zebra
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  crossing. Whatever you call the black and white lines. So she had rights of way. She was with her
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  mom. She was wearing pink and she was on the scooter and she was like, wait. And she was like
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  getting ready, you know, change putting her feet down, putting them up and like taking her time
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  to get back onto the scooter. Meanwhile, a huge bus is waiting for her, which is so, because she
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  felt, I guess you'll wait for me. Yes, you'll wait for me. I'm not ready to get on my little scooter.
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  Wait, you know what I'm saying? Whereas now how many of us, even at the cashier, we're like, oh,
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  no, I need to do this even faster. Oh, to the person behind us, we're like, oh, my, what I'm so,
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  sorry, it's taking so long and then we have to take our stuff and we never feel worthy of being
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  weighted for. You know what I mean? I also, this happens to me when I use the bathroom in public
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  spaces. I'm like, I have to hurry. We don't feel worthy of being weighted for. So she's not even
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  thinking, oh, I love myself enough to be weighted for. She just is in the truth of worthiness.
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  That is our birthright to return to. So if every creation is love's invitation,
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  then the fear of making a mistake, the fear of getting it wrong, do you see how it's kind of
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  blocking the possibility of love that wants to float through us? For example, on my word, this was
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  so profound. I met someone. She was a very divine soul, divine energy. And we were speaking about
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  fears around creativity. And I mentioned to her that one of the fears, we got deep very quickly,
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  and I said, I'm afraid of being canceled or being criticized in a very public way or being
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  criticized and humiliated and hated on in this very public way. That feels very unsafe to me in
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  my body and my nervous system. That feels like it would be the end of the world. And what she said
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  to me was, but if that did happen, you would be giving people such a gift. I said, what? And she said,
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  you would be giving people the gift of witnessing someone in their humanity and having the choice
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  to love them anyway. What? Because let's say I do make a huge mistake. I heard someone,
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  I find someone I say the wrong thing. What does it give you? It gives you the gift of seeing a
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  person in their humanity. And we don't see it this way. We have this disposability culture and
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  ethic that says, oh, cancel her, never listening to them again. He's over. And at points, I think
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  there are degrees and labels to this. But we don't see this basically as an invitation into love.
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  Because love is not, oh, you're doing all the things that I agree with. I love you. That's
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  conditional love, which is not love. Love is a container that can hold so much more than
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  agreeing and disagreeing. We can all think of someone we love who there are things we do not
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  agree with them on, like fundamental things. People we deeply love. Even if they're not in your
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  life anymore because you've chosen that that is your path and your truth. There are still moments
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  you think of them or you miss them because love is a very powerful container that can hold
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  contradiction and that goes beyond agreeing and disagreeing. And so even if someone's not in
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  your life, it doesn't always mean that you don't love them. In fact, the pain is that you love
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  them, but you can't love yourself and keep them in your life at the same time. Okay? So I think
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  that was such a beautiful reframe. You would be giving them the gift of being able to witness you
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  in your humanity and then the gift to their spirit of what it is like to see someone make a mistake
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  and love them anyway. Isn't that so sacred and beautiful and profound? So when we say I don't get
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  to say it wrong, I don't get to do it wrong. What if in the saying or the doing of quote unquote
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  wrong, knowing that throughout this conversation, the idea of a mistake, the idea of doing it wrong,
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  it's a story, it's a projection of what we think and what our society thinks is acceptable.
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  So there isn't in the universe an inherent mistake versus an inherent mistake versus what's
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  the opposite of a mistake, something that was supposed to happen. There's no that's a mistake,
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  that's what was meant to happen. That's only filtered through our consciousness, filtered through
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  our value systems, filtered through our conditioning, our programming. So even with that being said,
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  within that programming, if you feel you're going to make a mistake, it is so loving towards
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  yourself to say, and I get to try anyway, I'm worthy of making a mistake actually. I'm worthy
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  of trying and failing actually. I'm so worthy of that on my word and every mistake I make will
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  ask me, can you love yourself enough to hold yourself through this and love yourself even more,
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  see it as an invitation to expand and deepen your love, whereas most of us, what do we do? We retract
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  our love. Oh, you did that wrong. You're the worst. You said that thing, oh no, you don't get to
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  say things anymore, essentially. So we retract our love in the face of mistakes, but here's the thing.
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  If our creativity doesn't feel like we are a safe space for mistakes, we will necessarily be so
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  much less creative, so much less expressive in this life. How will you grow as a video maker if
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  you never think it's okay to make mistakes? How will you speak your voice into the world?
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  If you think it's literally intolerable that you might say the wrong thing, here's the thing
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  my darling, my love, my angel, we will say the wrong thing. Radical acceptance, we will hurt someone
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  by mistake. And I know that can feel like, oh, but then I don't even get to try. Can I tell you that
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  everyone you've ever been inspired by has made mistakes? They've hurt people.
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  They've said something or done something that has hurt someone. Your favorite writer, you look at
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  them as a complete idol to you. They're human. They're humanity. Their humanity means they've
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  heard people. Their humanity means they've been hurt. So we deserve to sing in the chorus of creation
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  without silencing ourselves based on what may go wrong, based on how we may fail. We will fail.
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  I failed many times. This things I haven't said. These words I haven't spoken. And then these words
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  that I have spoken that I'm certain were not in some sense of the word the right words. I know
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  again that we cannot simplify into right and wrong. We cannot take this magical, majestical,
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  wide, vast human experience and then force it into such a limiting, such a constrained framework
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  as right and wrong, as failure and success. This is the mind of logic, the Western paradigm,
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  the imperial paradigm of rationality and logic above intuition and feeling and magic and mystery
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  and uncertainty. And so we're doing the dance of conceiving of this reality in the language
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  that's been given to us and also pushing for a new language. And so even the word mistake
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  right, it's very framed by the consciousness we've grown up in and that's grown up in us.
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  So I want to invite you, my love, to say to yourself right now, say it with me.
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  It is safe for me to make mistakes. It is safe for me to fail. It is safe for me to say the wrong thing.
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  It is safe for me to do the wrong thing. Imagine a dancer who refuses to make a mistake. How will they
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  ever dance freely? You know, when we want freedom in this life for all of us, when we want
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  liberation for all of us, it is at every cell of society at every level. It is also the freedom
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  to make mistakes. We live in a very punishing culture. It's not okay to make a mistake in this culture
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  in these cultures. And I'm not trying to homogenize the world. The world is many different cultures
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  in societies. I'm just going to allow that mistake. Oh my gosh. Oh, alchemy. Oh, my word,
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  sensational. Sensational. Okay. Phenomenal. Excellent. I love this. Amazing. Okay. Beautiful. So
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  it's safe for me to make mistakes. Not in an uncritical. Oh, it doesn't matter what happens. And
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  not in that way. Am I darling? I love my angel. But love can hold your mistakes. Love is not. Oh,
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  you made a mistake. I don't love you anymore. And so you can tap into unconditional love at any
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  moment. It is your birthright. You have access to the infinite energy of love. And so you can say
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  that every mistake I make, say it with me, is inviting me to love.
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  Every mistake I make is inviting me to love myself more than I did before I made that mistake.
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  Every mistake that I make is inviting me to expand my love. And remember what that divine soul
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  said to me when we make mistakes and we allow ourselves to be witnessed in the making.
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  We also invite other people to love us in spite of our flaws. You know, people who love in this
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  life, whether it's their partner, their siblings, their parents, their grandchildren, their children,
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  people who have loved. No, just how powerful the container of love is, just how many contradictions
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  it can hold. I love you only when you don't make mistakes. That is not love.
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  So unconditional love is possible. And through your creativity, remember you are giving birth
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  to something my love. It is safe for you to make mistakes. We cannot wait to witness you and show
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  you that you making a mistake is not going to make us love you any less. We cannot wait to show you
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  that you making a mistake in your eyes again holding the paradox that they also are no mistakes.
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  In the soul salon, we hold the complexity, we hold the contradiction, we hold the both and the
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  all the one that it is safe for you to make a mistake. And that mistakes will actually deepen your love,
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  will deepen your consciousness and awareness of this life. And will deepen our connection to you
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  and your humanity. I love you so much, my donnings, my loves, my angels and some journaling questions
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  I invite you into is how can I make myself a safe space for mistakes? How have the mistakes that
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  I've made in this life invited me into more love? And if I truly believed that it was safe to make
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  mistakes, what would I do next? What would I create next? What would I try? What would I experiment
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  with? What would I play with in my creative life, in my relational life? It's all one.
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  How would it unblock my expression? If I really approached it with radical acceptance,
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  rather than judgment, with love and compassion, rather than rejection and conditions on our expression.
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  Okay, so those were the journaling questions. I will not repeat them because I do not know what they are.
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  But if you became a safe, space for mistakes, how would that change the way you embody yourself,
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  the way you express, the way you dance, the way you write? If we truly felt safe
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  in our bodies, making mistakes, I believe so much more loving creation would be possible. We would
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  dance more. We would express more our feelings, be vulnerable, even if we didn't have the perfect
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  words. Ask questions when we were curious. Repair. Apologize. We would make videos more. We would write
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  movies, stories, books. I love you so much, my darling, my loves, my angels. Thank you for stepping
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  into the soul salon. I'm so grateful to have you, my soul siblings, with me on this journey.
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  Thank you for holding me with love. I'm so excited for the next love letter coming out this week.
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  So if you want to receive that, make sure you are on my newsletter at iunderster.com
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  where you will receive a free ebook on the fear of being seen and also where I send out love letters
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  that I've been receiving such beautiful responses to. Please know that life wants to expand through you
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  and the more space you create for it to be okay to get it wrong, the more expression, the more expansion
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  will be possible. Just as the parent who encourages their child to play no matter what,
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  of course you're safe making up songs, my love or my word, of course you're safe expressing
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  that child. Imagine how free, imagine how much joy will pass through their hands through their hearts
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  because of how much safety their creativity has been nurtured with. I sent out on my newsletter
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  this song that has been helping me, a little song. When I was a child that also make up songs,
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  ah, ah, beautiful. And it's just about the fact that you get to do it imperfectly,
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  you get to sing imperfectly, you get to dance imperfectly, you get to launch that course
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  imperfectly, you get to create imperfectly, you get to cook imperfectly, you get to start your
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  solo lined business imperfectly, you get to make music imperfectly, you get to make movies
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  imperfectly, you get to write poems imperfectly, you get to ask for help imperfectly,
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  you get to collaborate imperfectly, you get to mentor imperfectly, you get to do it imperfectly,
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  you get to do it imperfectly, you get to do it imperfectly, you get to do it imperfectly,
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  you get to do it imperfectly, you get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly,
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  I get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly,
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  I get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly,
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  I get to do it imperfectly, I get to do it imperfectly, you get to do it imperfectly,
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  Okay, my love, my angel, my darling, how's you on the next soul session? Vibes.
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  Yes, I love you so much, my darling, my loves, my angels, and I will see you on the next
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  soul session. I'll love you, bye. My darling, my love, my soul, sibling,
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  thank you for stepping into the soul salon. If you are still hearing or watching this,
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  we are soul siblings. We are resonating on the same frequency, and so something you may
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  struggle with that I struggle with is the fear of being seen. You know that visibility is involved
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  in you living your creative purpose and being in your power, serving the collective through
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  your gifts, through your magic, through your medicine, in order to do that, you know you need
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  to be more seen than you are allowing yourself to be right now. I have a gift just for you,
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  heart made for us on this frequency, and it is a free ebook called The Soulful Visibility Guide.
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  That is soulful visibility, like we don't just want to be seen, we want to be felt, we want to
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  be heard, we want to move and be moved. So I do have a free gift for you, and all you need to do
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  is go to my website, I understood.com, and there you will be able to input your email address
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  and receive this directly to your inbox. This is such a juicy and delicious guide,
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  and I change the free offering every few months, so you know, get it while you can.
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  All the links are in the show notes, so thank you so much, I love you, and I will see you
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  on the next sole session. Okay, I love you, bye.