Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #228 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#228 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, I think that the reality is we need to
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  Speaker 2: recognize it and understand that our kids a human and
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  Speaker 2: they're going to get it wrong just like we do.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 3: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson. I'm here with my wife, Kylie.
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  Speaker 4: I'm the founder of Happy Families dot com dot au
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  Speaker 4: and the author of six books about raising happy families.
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  Speaker 4: And Kylie we parents to six children, six baby girls.
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  Speaker 4: I've got a question for you. I'm a little bit
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  Speaker 4: confused about something that happened just recently in our family.
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying to work out if I'm a good parent
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  Speaker 3: or not.
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  Speaker 4: Got a phone call from one of the kids and
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  Speaker 4: she said, Dad, I left my iPad. I'm the charger
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  Speaker 4: and if I don't have it at school today, I
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  Speaker 4: can't submit my assignment. And if I don't submit my assignment,
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  Speaker 4: I might fail and I don't want to fail. And
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  Speaker 4: can you please bring me my iPad the school? And
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  Speaker 4: I'm trying to work out is that good parenting that
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  Speaker 4: I did it? Or is that bad parenting? Because the
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  Speaker 4: kids have got to learn to be responsible for themselves.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I guess that depends whether I'm a good parent
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  Speaker 2: or a bad parent. Because I had to take Miss
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  Speaker 2: ten to office works this morning because she needed a
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  Speaker 2: piece of cardboard and she couldn't go to school without
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  Speaker 2: that piece of cardboard.
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  Speaker 4: So while I was running iPads to one school, you
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  Speaker 4: were taking another child to office works. What is it
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  Speaker 4: with kids? Why can they not remember stuff and tell
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  Speaker 4: us about it the day before, Like.
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  Speaker 5: It only becomes urgent when it's urgent.
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  Speaker 4: Okay, that doesn't answer my question good parent or bad parent?
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  Speaker 4: Because I feel like I get a gold star. I
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  Speaker 4: feel like I've been a good parent if I look
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  Speaker 4: after my children and save them from the emergencies that
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  Speaker 4: they've created.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I feel like there's another podcast episode in this
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  Speaker 2: that's a pop out.
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  Speaker 3: I just want to enough. But isn't it. It's this tension.
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  Speaker 4: We'll have to talk about it later, But there's this
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  Speaker 4: tension where you want your children to learn to be
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  Speaker 4: responsible and therefore that might mean facing the consequences of
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  Speaker 4: their decisions from time to time, But at the same time,
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  Speaker 4: when they really need something, you kind of just have
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  Speaker 4: to go and help them right.
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  Speaker 2: Look, I'm going to put you in the hot seat
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  Speaker 2: for a second, but I have had numerous phone calls
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  Speaker 2: in our time together where you may have left a suitcase.
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  Speaker 5: Behind or you just let's talk about laptop chords.
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  Speaker 2: And charges that have been left behind, and I might
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  Speaker 2: have had to do a number of runs to either
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  Speaker 2: the airport, or you've probably to some gone down the
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  Speaker 2: coast a few times because you desperately needed something.
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  Speaker 5: So I think that the reality is we.
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  Speaker 2: Need to recognize it and understand that our kids a
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  Speaker 2: human and they're going to get it wrong just like
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  Speaker 2: we do.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really grateful that you said that.
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  Speaker 4: It's a beautiful point something that I remember reading in
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  Speaker 4: a book by Heim Ginnott. I think it was Who's
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  Speaker 4: one of the one of the best writers on parenting
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  Speaker 4: ever to ever to walk the planet, And Ginnott says,
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  Speaker 4: if a friend a neighbor comes to visit and when
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  Speaker 4: they leave the house, they leave their umbrella behind because
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  Speaker 4: it was raining when they arrived. If they leave their
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  Speaker 4: umbrella behind because it's cleared up, you don't chase them
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  Speaker 4: out the door and say, for goodness sakes, how how
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  Speaker 4: hard is it to remember you umbrella. I mean, gosh,
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  Speaker 4: you're an adult for crying out loud. I would have
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  Speaker 4: thought that I shouldn't need to remind you about these
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  Speaker 4: sorts of things. And if we wouldn't do it to
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  Speaker 4: our neighbors or our friends, we probably shouldn't do it
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  Speaker 4: to our kids.
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  Speaker 3: And you've just put me right in there. Well done.
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  Speaker 4: But we both went and looked after our kids. So
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  Speaker 4: I'm going to say that's a gold staff for us,
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  Speaker 4: and we are good parents. But we've still got to
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  Speaker 4: have the conversation with our children about helping them to
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  Speaker 4: not make that mistake too often.
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  Speaker 3: Is that reasonable?
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  Speaker 2: Look, the reality is some days we just can't do it,
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  Speaker 2: and that's part of the story as well.
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  Speaker 5: But today we were able to.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, well this is I'll do better tomorrow. The
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  Speaker 4: purpose of today's podcast is for us to reflect on
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  Speaker 4: the way that we could learn from the week that's
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  Speaker 4: just been and that wasn't actually what we're supposed to
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  Speaker 4: be talking about. We both had reflections this week, things
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  Speaker 4: that we've learned about being a parent, things that we
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  Speaker 4: might do better next week with or better tomorrow with
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  Speaker 4: because of the experiences we've had.
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  Speaker 3: That's what Fridays are all about.
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  Speaker 4: So I think that I might share my I'll do
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  Speaker 4: better tomorrow first today and then because your ones are
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  Speaker 4: always better. Your ones always make people cry and make
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  Speaker 4: people go oh, Kylie's just the best mom ever. So
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  Speaker 4: I'm going to share mine first out of.
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  Speaker 5: Come, you're hilarious.
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  Speaker 4: The other night you had a meeting on and because
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  Speaker 4: you had that meeting, I had to take all of
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  Speaker 4: the children to music lessons, but only two of them
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  Speaker 4: were actually having music lessons.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not pulling the violins out because for the last
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  Speaker 2: two weeks I've had to do exactly the same thing,
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  Speaker 2: because you've left me.
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  Speaker 3: I've been away. I've been working, I know.
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  Speaker 4: So I piled five children into the car and one
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  Speaker 4: of them really didn't want to get in the car
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  Speaker 4: at all. So we've driven down the street. Then I've
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  Speaker 4: realized that she didn't have her seat belt on. She
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  Speaker 4: was so obstinate in her refusal and so vocal in
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  Speaker 4: her I hate fair all that carry on, that she
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  Speaker 4: refused to put a seat belt on. So I stopped
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  Speaker 4: after about eight hundred meters getting down the road when
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  Speaker 4: I realized.
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  Speaker 3: That that was the case, and I thought, I've got this.
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  Speaker 3: I've got this.
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  Speaker 4: Moment now where I've got to try and get it
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  Speaker 4: all right. So I did something that we haven't had
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  Speaker 4: to do for ages. I got out of the car.
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  Speaker 4: I opened the door. I asked her to get out
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  Speaker 4: of the car with me, and I walked over to
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  Speaker 4: the footpath. I stood her on the footpath and then
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  Speaker 4: I knelt down in front of her. I gave her
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  Speaker 4: a great, big hug, and I said to her, you
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  Speaker 4: are just having the worst afternoon, and you wish so
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  Speaker 4: much that you did not have to go to music
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  Speaker 4: lessons while your sisters are there. And she looked at me,
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  Speaker 4: and man, she was so cranky. She was pushing back.
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  Speaker 4: She was like, I don't even want to hug. I'm like, okay,
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  Speaker 4: well you don't have to hug me, but I know
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  Speaker 4: you don't want to be there. And something happened really soon,
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  Speaker 4: really quickly. I took about thirty seconds and she calmed down.
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  Speaker 4: She knew that I got it. She knew that I
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  Speaker 4: was taking it serious enough that we'd pulled the car
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  Speaker 4: over to talk about it. Meantime, we're running late for
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  Speaker 4: music lessons, and I'm thinking, oh, for goodness sakes.
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  Speaker 3: I don't have time for this.
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  Speaker 4: But After about thirty seconds, she got into the car,
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  Speaker 4: she put her seatbelt on, she stopped crying, and we
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  Speaker 4: drove happily to music lessons. I just felt like when
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  Speaker 4: we talk about old do better tomorrow, every now and
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  Speaker 4: again we get it right. And I just think that
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  Speaker 4: maybe as parents we could be a little more patient,
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  Speaker 4: a little bit more understanding. There's still a certain demand
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  Speaker 4: placed on the kids. They've got to get back in
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  Speaker 4: the car and we've got to go to music lessons.
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  Speaker 4: But when we do it with compassion and kindness, we
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  Speaker 4: just get better results.
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  Speaker 5: I love that story.
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  Speaker 4: Can I tell you what happened later, because it kind
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  Speaker 4: of went downhill from there once I dropped the two
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  Speaker 4: kids off to their different music lessons, which are obviously
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  Speaker 4: in the same building. At the same time, I said
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  Speaker 4: to the other kids that were in the car, let's
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  Speaker 4: go to the park. There's a park around the corner.
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  Speaker 4: I drove them to the park. When it was time
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  Speaker 4: to leave the park, same child wouldn't leave the park.
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  Speaker 4: I'm getting attacked by mosquitos. It's dark, you know, the
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  Speaker 4: night has fallen, and she's running away from me in
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  Speaker 4: the park and hiding in places where I can't reach
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  Speaker 4: her without climbing into or over on top of the
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  Speaker 4: children's playground. I wasn't I wasn't quite as patient that time.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, I didn't do anything horrible, but really I
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  Speaker 4: had to eventually I had to kind of tackle her
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  Speaker 4: and carry her, screaming and kicking to the car and
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  Speaker 4: non consensually put her in the car and put her
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  Speaker 4: seatpot on it say we're going, because there's two kids
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  Speaker 4: waiting at the end of their music lessons, so we
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  Speaker 4: It was a win and a loss, but I think
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  Speaker 4: it's a great Maybe you should have started. Liz left
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  Speaker 4: it at the first story, and I felt like such
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  Speaker 4: a good parent.
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  Speaker 3: Way I just spoiled it.
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  Speaker 4: But I think that's the really, that's the reality of parenting, right.
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  Speaker 4: You have these good moments and then you have these
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  Speaker 4: terrible moments, just moments later where you think, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 4: it's so hard.
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  Speaker 2: I really love how you know, Fridays, we don't actually
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  Speaker 2: even prep this together.
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  Speaker 5: We don't know what each other's going to share.
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  Speaker 2: And my story really supports your story today, So let's
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  Speaker 2: talk about that after the break.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership because
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today is Friday.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: It's our favorite day of the week. We get to
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  Speaker 2: share our insights from the things that we've learned through
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  Speaker 2: the week in our parenting journey.
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  Speaker 4: Quick question before we talk about your old do better
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  Speaker 4: tomorrow moment, what's the take My message from line is
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  Speaker 4: that when the children are not behaving that we sometimes
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  Speaker 4: just need to wrestle them into the car. Or is
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  Speaker 4: it when the children are not behaving we sometimes need
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  Speaker 4: to stop the car and hug them, or or both.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to suggest let's collect the goldflex. Let's let's
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  Speaker 2: celebrate the wins, because there are plenty of not wins
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  Speaker 2: we're going to lose along the way, but let's focus
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  Speaker 2: on those wins.
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  Speaker 3: I got it did feel good. When I got it right,
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  Speaker 3: it did feel good.
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  Speaker 4: And when I got it wrong an hour later, it
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  Speaker 4: felt like it really felt bad. And I thought to myself, Ah,
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  Speaker 4: how hard is it to get it right consistently, even
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  Speaker 4: when you're the expert.
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  Speaker 3: Anyway, what's your old do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 5: Over the last four weeks, we've been doing book club,
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  Speaker 5: and so for.
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: Those who are new to the podcast Happy Families Premium
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: members no, in fact, all Happy Families members get access
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: to book club. We do it once a term and
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  Speaker 4: we work our way through one of the six books
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  Speaker 4: that I've written about making families happier.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm really proud to say that I have almost
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  Speaker 2: finished the book.
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  Speaker 4: And the book is Nine Ways to a resil I
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  Speaker 4: think it's the third book that I wrote, and it's
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  Speaker 4: all about resilience, and it's one of the best selling
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  Speaker 4: books about kids and resilience in the country over the
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  Speaker 4: last few years.
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  Speaker 2: I realized the other day I've actually now read, officially
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  Speaker 2: read four.
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  Speaker 5: Of your six books.
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  Speaker 2: I'm getting there, you are, I'm getting there. One of
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: the things that jumped out at me is I was
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  Speaker 2: preparing for this week's book club was literally just this
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  Speaker 2: tiny little line in the book which said autonomy supportive parenting.
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  Speaker 5: Is hard work.
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  Speaker 2: It's hard work, and so many times as a parent,
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I must be getting it wrong because
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  Speaker 2: this is just so hard, and just like your experience
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  Speaker 2: with one of our children the other night, you get
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: it right, and then within five or ten minutes or
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: an hour later, you've got it wrong again, and it
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  Speaker 2: just feels like you're hitting your head against a brick.
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  Speaker 5: Wall all the time.
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  Speaker 2: And I was so grateful that I just read that
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  Speaker 2: one little line because it kind of just put everything
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  Speaker 2: into perspective again and helped me to remember that this
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  Speaker 2: job that we do, we call parenting, is not easy.
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  Speaker 5: For any of us. And it doesn't matter what's in
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  Speaker 5: our toolkit. It's still hard.
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  Speaker 2: And we've got this full toolkit and we know the
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  Speaker 2: things that we should do, and yet it is still
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  Speaker 2: just hard work. And so as I kind of just
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  Speaker 2: lived into that moment, it was an opportunity for me
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  Speaker 2: to just take a step back, give myself a pat
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  Speaker 2: on the back, and so, you know what, you're doing
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  Speaker 2: a great job. This is hard, but it's supposed to
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  Speaker 2: be hard. And as we involve our children in that
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  Speaker 2: parenting process, and as we let them be a part
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  Speaker 2: of their destiny, so to speak, their lives, they get
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  Speaker 2: to be in charge of it.
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  Speaker 5: In some way.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to come up against hard things, but that's
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  Speaker 2: part of the process. We're helping them to become the
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  Speaker 2: people that we want them to be and that they
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  Speaker 2: want to become, and that requires effort.
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  Speaker 4: What I've also noticed is that when we are doing
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  Speaker 4: parenting right, it is really really hard, because children have
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  Speaker 4: ways of being that are not consistent with how we
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  Speaker 4: want them to be being. When we get it consistently right, though,
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: it gets easier even when the times are tough. They
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  Speaker 4: are easier than if we are not stepping up, if
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  Speaker 4: we are being overly controlling, if we're not being warm
• 11:13
  Speaker 4: and kind and compassionate. There's something extraordinary that comes from
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  Speaker 4: being kind and caring, but also being really clear about
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  Speaker 4: what those limits are and letting the children know that
• 11:24
  Speaker 4: there are certain expectations. And I think that's really at
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  Speaker 4: the essence of what autonomy supportive parenting, which is I
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: think the gold standard in terms of parenting styles. When
• 11:33
  Speaker 4: we look at the idea of authoritative parenting, which is
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: widely sprute as the gold standard, what authoritative parenting really
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: is is number one supportiveness and warmth and nurture combined
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  Speaker 4: with demanding this and limits and structure along with autonomy
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  Speaker 4: support This is the way that the very best parenting
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  Speaker 4: textbooks have described the very best parenting since the nineteen fifties,
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  Speaker 4: nineteen sixties, and now here we are in the twenty twenties,
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  Speaker 4: and the rules haven't changed, The parenting science hasn't changed,
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  Speaker 4: and that's I think that's a really great insight. So
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  Speaker 4: your take home message after mine is it's easy and
• 12:13
  Speaker 4: that it's hard and someone as we're doing the best,
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  Speaker 4: we're going to make mistakes. But let's take the gold flex.
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  Speaker 4: What's your take home message?
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  Speaker 2: I think for me, it's just the acknowledgment that sometimes
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  Speaker 2: things are going to be hard. Family life is messy,
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  Speaker 2: but that if we are striving to be the support
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: that our children need to be, that we're doing the
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: best we can and we just need to take a
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  Speaker 2: step back, give ourselves a pat on the back, and
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: move forward.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, just because it's hard doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
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  Speaker 4: Sometimes it actually means the opposite, you're doing it absolutely right.
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: Have we really hope that you enjoy the podcast. If
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: you do, please jump onto Apple Podcasts or wherever you
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: get your podcasts and leave ratings and reviews so that
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: people can find out about the podcast. The more ratings
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: and reviews there are, the more people that get to
• 12:53
  Speaker 4: find out about the podcast and the happier people's families become.
• 12:56
  Speaker 5: We love this from Kralla.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: I think it's Corella a hyphen la. I'm going to
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: say kray laa as well.
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  Speaker 2: They said changed heart love the I'll Do Better Tomorrow
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: podcast this week, which was last week, Kylie I shd
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  Speaker 2: a happy little tear with you. How sweet. Thanks guys
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: for sharing your highs and lows.
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  Speaker 5: We all have.
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  Speaker 4: Them, and that's the idea of We'll do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 4: It's the stuff that we've learned from the highs and
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  Speaker 4: lows of parenting this week. Thank you very much Crolla,
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: who gave us that five star review. We really appreciate
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: the work of Justin Roland from Bridge Media, who produces
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: the Happy Families podcast. Our executive producer is Craig Bruce.
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: If you'd like more info about making your family happier,
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: whether it's being a part of book club and joining
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: in with the Happy Families membership, or I don't know,
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: just getting more support for making your family happier, you
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: can get all the info you need at Happy families
• 13:45
  Speaker 4: dot com dot au.