Latest / The R4R Podcast: Road to Zero / Heidi Prowse: We should have grown old together - Part 1

Transcript

Heidi Prowse: We should have grown old together - Part 1 · The R4R Podcast: Road to Zero

0:00
The artist in me was like, I'll try and make the Bush represent
0:06
the community growing, growing over.
0:10
Symbolism. Over what the like inspired by
0:14
Angela and Paul. So if it grows over, it's like
0:16
it's no longer about that, it's about the community.
0:19
Continuing on. And then everything else was
0:21
just because, just because it's the Ark and I've left out the
0:25
buildings because I wasn't good enough to do that.
0:30
Just change your perspective a little bit.
0:31
Yeah, and no people. And no people, no.
0:33
It's timber. No, it's, it's timber.
0:36
It's rusted. OK, rusted.
0:38
That's a lack of skill. But today, Heidi, thanks for
0:43
coming in. I think myself, I think for you
0:47
as Benny, we at AFRA have utmost respect for people trying to
0:51
water their own patch of grass, you know, doing whatever they
0:54
can, however they can to improve the world.
0:56
And I think from my experience with you, you're an example of
1:00
that. So it's great to have you here.
1:02
It's great to have you around Afra Wednesday nights and very
1:05
good. But I was reading some of your
1:07
words recently and I think it's a good place to start.
1:12
He's tall because it made me giggle.
1:15
Yeah, he's tall, dark haired, undeniably handsome, with just
1:19
enough of a dorky edge to keep him from looking perfect.
1:24
From the other stuff you wrote, it sounded like you might have
1:26
seen Andy beforehand, or you might have known who he was, but
1:31
that sounds about as close as it can to love at first sight.
1:36
100%. So a person who I had.
1:40
Gone to high school? With.
1:43
Was in the year above me but never on my radar.
1:47
Both of his sisters I admired. What?
1:50
They were both the school. Captain of the girls school in
1:53
the small town that I lived in. And then you have years and
1:58
years and years. And then I happened to come to
2:01
Canberra and I walk into the good old Canberra gathering.
2:05
There's a party at someone's house.
2:07
They've just moved in. And honestly, I.
2:10
Recall it like a. 90s ROM com I walked in the room, the music
2:16
was playing, it was tacky and you know, people were chatting
2:19
and the crowd splits apart and there is And I knew that this
2:25
was the person immediately that I wanted to spend the rest of my
2:29
life with. It's it's from and there's I
2:33
guess there's two ways we can go with this.
2:35
Both we should. The book is called We Were Meant
2:39
to Grow Old Together. You wrote it.
2:41
And so there's a really, I guess, sad part to this and and
2:45
I think we'll get to that, but there's also really lovely part
2:48
to it. I guess, like from my
2:51
perspective, the thing that jumps out in my mind is you knew
2:55
that Andy had cystic fibrosis and what that brought with it.
3:00
And you still, well, you didn't have a choice, it sounds.
3:03
Yeah, but, and I think that is the thing that a lot of people
3:07
talk to me about. You knew how, you must.
3:11
Be so courageous. You much must be so brave.
3:13
What a great. Humour and I'm like, no, I, I
3:17
saw this person that I wanted to have in my life.
3:21
They immediately ticked my imaginary.
3:23
Boxes. That didn't actually exist,
3:27
Andy. Also I always said that he used
3:30
his superpower for. Good, he was one of those people
3:34
that any information that he. Absorbed, he could.
3:38
Recall it. And so often people that are
3:41
that intelligent don't have that like real sense of, I guess.
3:44
That social. Link, but he would remember your
3:48
kids. Birthdays.
3:50
That was how into he cared and he was always wanting to learn
3:54
about people and then he also wanted to teach and share the
3:58
things that he had learned. So I just completely was
4:02
enveloped by him. And then when he said, you know,
4:07
you need to know that I have cystic fibrosis and that means
4:10
that. I'll have a short.
4:11
Life and I kind of there was no moment for me that went Oh well,
4:19
then I'm out. That was it didn't even factor.
4:23
I just went, all right, what are we doing?
4:26
And we learnt so much. We got so much out of everything
4:31
that we did. You know, I did know that
4:34
eventually he would pass. Away, but I actually.
4:38
Think that ended up being a. Gift because.
4:41
We never had an argument and I say to people often.
4:44
What would I give? To walk into my kitchen now and
4:48
every cupboard door be open. Because it was never a thing
4:52
that frustrated me. It was a thing that I.
4:53
Absolutely adored about this. Ridiculous human.
4:57
Who leaves cupboard doors? Open and I'll just close them.
5:01
But what I wouldn't give now to walk into my kitchen and know
5:06
that his presence. Was was there?
5:08
And so. I feel.
5:10
Very blessed, very lucky to have had the opportunity.
5:16
To have had a. Connection, a friendship and a
5:20
love that I think, you know, they try to show in the movies,
5:24
but most of us don't necessarily get access.
5:27
To. You still got quite a bit of I
5:30
mean, I know you've spoken about it before, but I can see the
5:33
emotion in your eyes and hear it in your voice.
5:37
Yeah. So it's 2 days ago, it was four
5:40
years. Wow, since he passed away and it
5:43
doesn't. Ever feel?
5:45
I mean time is not relevant I. Think we always talk?
5:49
About how long has it been and this sort of thing, but you
5:52
know. The day after.
5:54
Could have been as raw as. Today or yesterday, It's how you
6:01
cope with who you. Become as a person I think you
6:06
know. I was already very deeply.
6:09
Working in the community. Sector before.
6:12
I met Andy. A lot of people think that he.
6:15
He was the sort of, I guess, pivot.
6:17
That made me move into it, but I was already working in the.
6:21
Space I was already. Fundraising and supporting the
6:24
community. He then gave me a.
6:27
'Cause that I could. Get involved in even more, but
6:33
you know when we when we think about, you know, the loss of a
6:37
person you you don't just lose them you.
6:39
Lose who you are. After them and you have to go
6:44
through a huge amount of rediscovery and trying to work.
6:48
Out what do I? Do now, you know, he gave me all
6:51
my purpose and yeah, no, I don't have that.
6:56
That person. I have to try and work that out
6:58
again, yeah. So I was going to ask because I
7:01
know, I know your back story. Well, thank you for actually
7:04
clearing that up because I did think Amanda's passing was what
7:07
got you into that brought you into the sector.
7:09
But why don't you tell us that the journey before that that
7:13
actually brought you in? Why instead of working in the in
7:15
the mental health space? Yeah, so.
7:18
Actually, in high school, I wanted to be.
7:21
A sports psychologist. And then I realised the mark you
7:24
needed. And so I kept changing my mind
7:26
to make it or maybe I'll do this, maybe I'll do this.
7:29
And I ended up doing a business marketing and events like course
7:35
with a business college and I just thought I'm going to
7:39
organise events and I didn't. I never had.
7:43
Walked towards the charity or. The community.
7:46
Sector at all, but they said apply for every job that has.
7:50
Events in the title or in the. Job description.
7:53
And so I did that and I went to an interview at 20 with Camp
7:58
Quality and they had finger puppets for their business cards
8:02
and they walked. It across the table.
8:03
To me and I went, oh God, this is so fun.
8:06
Like I want to work for this organisation and interestingly,
8:11
as part of their recruitment. Process they do a.
8:14
Psychometric test so they, you know, ask you what.
8:17
Colour the sky is. And all these random things and
8:20
then it. Spits out this profile.
8:22
Back to you and who I am deep down is the complete perfect
8:29
person to work in the community. Space devoted.
8:32
And cares for others will go above and beyond for.
8:35
The cause? Is very goal orientated and very
8:39
focused and doesn't need a lot of discipline really can be
8:43
told. This is what like.
8:45
Enjoys feedback, needs time to process it, so this 20 year old
8:49
went up against. People who had far great I.
8:52
Was Green had no experience in the sector, let alone even being
8:56
employed. There were two other people were
8:59
8. Years and five years of
9:00
experience as fundraisers in the sector and for some reason.
9:05
They. Chose me, but as soon as I got
9:08
in there I thought. This is exactly.
9:10
Where I need to be. This is about storytelling.
9:14
This is about helping people that have gone through really
9:17
difficult times in their lives. And I didn't really understand
9:21
that. I'd grown up very middle class,
9:23
very comfortable, never faced anything.
9:26
I was so. Privileged.
9:28
Really. When I think about my
9:29
upbringing, that, you know, nobody in my family experienced
9:33
any chronic, chronic illness, you know, I lost my grandfather
9:37
when I was 15. He was an old man and he you
9:40
know. Died after a great life.
9:42
You know, so then I started working with children that are
9:45
living with cancer and I learnt optimism, actually learnt it.
9:50
It was not a. From them.
9:52
From them, I always talk about Omar.
9:56
So. Camp.
9:57
Qualities. Idea is that they take you away
10:01
so. Cancer can be put in the back
10:02
seat and you get the opportunity to be a kid, so we don't talk
10:07
about cancer When you're on these camps.
10:08
It's all about having fun. It's just reconnecting and
10:11
giving you just some space and there is medical teams on site
10:14
around if anything's needed. But it's really about.
10:18
Bringing in your. Who you?
10:20
Are as a young person and you know.
10:23
But you. Get to the end of the night and
10:25
you're sitting around a campfire and, you know, Omar turns to the
10:28
kid next to him and he goes, wait, dude, what kind of cancer
10:32
did you have? And he's like, oh, I had AI, had
10:35
a brain tumour. And he goes.
10:38
Dude, you are totally lucky to be alive.
10:42
Mate I had a wussy cancer compared to the a brain tumour
10:46
man. Oh God, and I'm sitting there
10:49
listening to. These literally. 15 year old
10:52
boys, they're having this exchange and just so moved by
10:56
it, but even further went back to the office and shared it with
11:00
some of the. Staff that I was.
11:02
Working with and one of the ladies said, you know, it's
11:04
interesting that he has that. Perspective because he's
11:07
probably. One of the most unwell young
11:10
people. That we have.
11:11
Had in a long time. Every year we try to get him to
11:15
come to camp, but he's ended up back in hospital, the type of
11:19
cancer that he has. Is really rare it's.
11:21
The same as a sibling, his sibling has been able to have a
11:24
transplant. He's on the list waiting like
11:27
when when they. Talked about actually.
11:29
What he was going through, it was significant.
11:33
But he. Could look at someone else and
11:34
go dude I had a wussy cancer like what even is that and those
11:40
are the moments. That I got to.
11:42
Experience as an early 20 year. Old that completely shaped.
11:49
Who I am now? How I feel.
11:52
About the world and. The legacy that.
11:55
I want to give back and so I as a also ambitious don't know if
12:01
you know this about me 20 year old my desk.
12:06
Was directly opposite the. CEO's office and I rarely saw
12:13
him actually in his office, but at my very first performance
12:18
review. They said OK, this is what
12:21
you've got to do. Blah blah blah and and what are
12:23
your goals? And I said I want to be a.
12:25
CEO by 30. And my manager could have gone
12:30
No, she went OK. If that's the goal.
12:33
What do we need to do to get? You there?
12:36
And I was like, oh, OK, and so, you know, set me some goals and
12:39
I will knock them down. And I was appointed as.
12:43
CEO at 30. And 1/2, which I still can't,
12:49
but you know, it was, you know. How outrageous for this. 20 year
12:52
old to be sitting there going. I want that job.
12:55
I don't actually know what it is or what they do but I want it
12:58
and I'm willing to learn. I will do as.
13:00
I work as hard as possible to be able to build who I am.
13:05
I'm not coming from any of the. Usual pathway, the tertiary.
13:11
Qualification. I'm coming straight into this
13:13
organisation, I'm going to learn practically and on the ground
13:17
and. This is the pathway.
13:19
That I want, but I think almost saying it out loud and not then
13:23
telling everybody that that was going to happen, but just, I
13:26
guess saying it out loud meant that.
13:27
I had a light say I had a lighthouse that was.
13:31
Giving me guidance. Fix it into the universe.
13:33
Sorry, can we go back to one thing that you said that I
13:36
thought was really interesting? You said optimism can be learned
13:39
or that you learned how to be optimistic.
13:41
Yeah. A lot of people think the
13:43
world's going to hell in a handbasket.
13:44
Yeah. And they maybe they lack the
13:46
skill of optimism. How do you learn optimism?
13:48
How did you learn it? I mean, apart from obviously
13:50
seeing those kids going through something really rough and maybe
13:52
it just changed how you see your set of circumstances.
13:56
But yeah, how could you teach someone optimism?
13:59
So there. Are a couple of different ways
14:01
and honestly. Perspective is the great.
14:04
Place to start and. I also use a quote that was.
14:11
By Newt's commander in the fantastic base and where to find
14:14
them and it's worrying means you suffer twice.
14:17
And so it is about thinking more deeply.
14:19
About what? We are concerned about and what
14:23
we're, what we have. The ability.
14:26
To change and what we don't. There would also be.
14:30
During COVID this tool came up quite often.
14:33
It was the circle of control and the circle of influences.
14:36
What do I have? Yeah, what?
14:38
If this is a thing that's happening, what control and what
14:41
influence can I have on it and what can I not and what can I
14:45
focus on? But I I think deep down.
14:48
Perspective was. One of the key things, it's
14:53
really interesting in the way that camp quality as an
14:56
organisation. Operates so they have you tell a
15:01
joke. Before you start a meeting.
15:03
And that's just you can't it. Could be bad dad.
15:06
Jokes. I'm just thinking.
15:07
About. No such thing as a bad dad.
15:10
I'm also thinking of samos. Samos not safe for.
15:12
Words. No.
15:13
Well then. Jokes that might come in.
15:14
Our podcast will get pulled by YouTube.
15:18
But they also so. Once you passed your probation,
15:21
they. Had a like photographer.
15:22
Come in and take a picture. Of you with props.
15:26
And they got this picture printed and it went above your
15:29
desk. And the idea?
15:31
Was we're. Living in a world where and
15:33
we're working every day on things that are pretty tough.
15:37
So how do you? See yourself in a different
15:39
light and I also had this. Tool that was a goofy D board
15:43
so. Every day when you left.
15:45
The office. You had to write on the.
15:47
Goofy D Board. What made you happy that day?
15:49
And I remember calling my mom and being like, oh, I had my
15:52
first day and we did this. And then we have this board and
15:54
we have to write on it every day.
15:55
What made us happy? And she's like every single day.
15:59
And I was like, Oh yeah, that like seems like a lot.
16:03
Maybe it's once a week, but they were like, no, every single day.
16:07
And from the top down, the CEO would do it as much as everybody
16:10
else. But this is the part in learning
16:12
is like do. You give yourself the.
16:14
Time the space and the. Capacity to have a positive.
16:16
Thought because you can sit in the negative as much as you
16:20
like, but no matter what has happened on your day, there is
16:26
still something. There is still one thing, and I
16:29
can even tell you my worst. Day, Obviously, the day.
16:34
That my husband passed away. He.
16:36
Star Wars to me. Before he died so.
16:40
I, I had wanted to, you know, have some conversation with him
16:46
that I would remember. And obviously everything happens
16:49
and you're not, you know, you don't know what's going to
16:51
happen or what's going to happen.
16:53
And he had fallen asleep and our palliative care nurse said, and
16:58
I think it's going to be any time now.
17:02
And I was like, OK, and I was. Like but he's asleep like.
17:04
Is he going to wake up like? Do I get to?
17:07
Have this conversation. She's like, I don't know.
17:10
And I'm like, and so everybody left and left me with him to
17:14
have some time. And his eye was open and I'm
17:15
like Andrew, Andrew Press. And he woke up and I said.
17:22
I. Love you so much.
17:26
And he just looked at me, took a breath, and he goes.
17:28
I know. And that is what freaking Han
17:32
Solo. Han Solo.
17:33
Yeah, Yeah. To Princess Leia.
17:35
I don't mean to make a lot of it.
17:36
I thought he was going to say I am your father, honestly.
17:41
So that's what I thought you were going to say.
17:42
I'm not making a lot of it, sorry, but I thought it.
17:45
But this is the. Thing like I'm sitting there
17:48
going this. Is was he a Star Wars fan?
17:50
Yeah. Tragically, tragically, it's.
17:54
It's gone solo. There's something.
17:56
Yeah, there's something nice in that.
17:57
I think, like humour comes in. Yeah, in the darkest moments.
18:01
And you, it's obviously nice to hear you landed on your feet in
18:05
a sense, when you're a 20 year old going into a sector that
18:10
suits you so well. Yeah.
18:11
But then you got to, you spoke about a legacy you want to
18:14
create. You got to share part of that
18:16
legacy with Andy. Yeah.
18:19
And the oh gosh, the. Combo of us together that I
18:23
mean, he was completely a devout servant of the public.
18:29
So I won't say public servant. I'll say servant of the public
18:33
and absolutely believed in policy development and I would
18:38
say what have the Romans ever done?
18:42
Nothing helpful. And I'd be like I work on the
18:47
ground. I can tell you about Omar.
18:48
I can tell you about, you know, the I see the difference that I
18:51
make every day. But he really talked about the
18:56
policy. What does the policy?
18:57
How does the policy set it up? And so the combination.
19:01
Of the two of us together. Having these conversations and
19:03
going tell me more about this. What does that look?
19:05
Like, and then how do I change what I do that?
19:08
We then started to build a team and I said to him, we went.
19:14
To the hospital for just a really like basic checkout that
19:18
he had to do. Every three months and he walked
19:21
out with two massive like the brown paper shopping bags full
19:25
of medication that was to get him through until his next
19:28
appointment in three months time and a huge list of all these
19:32
things that he had to do. And so we get in the car and I'm
19:34
like. Who who helps you with this
19:37
like? And he's nobody, he said.
19:41
There's a very small organisation in the ACT.
19:45
It's made basically made up of parents.
19:48
They provide a. Little bit of financial
19:50
assistance, but pretty much as soon as I leave the hospital I'm
19:53
on my own. And the community person in me
19:56
went, no, that isn't OK Yeah. And so on that trip back from
20:04
Sydney, because at the time you couldn't get.
20:05
That care locally I. Said, Oh, I've always wanted to
20:10
do a Santa Speedo run. They do it in Boston in the
20:14
snow, and they start at a pub and they run around the block.
20:17
They do a hot lap. I've always wanted to do it, but
20:20
no one's ever let me. Maybe we could do it for, you
20:23
know, we could do. It for cystic fibrosis.
20:26
And he's also an enabler, so he's like this.
20:27
Would be great. And so we just dreamed up this
20:30
thing. We're like, we're going to do
20:31
this thing and we're going to do that.
20:33
And I'm a very good fundraiser. I.
20:35
Will say that. Honestly, I'm very, very.
20:37
Good at it. So I had a very specific.
20:41
Plan I'm like. There will be rules.
20:43
And there will. Be criteria so that.
20:44
We make sure that we raise the most amount of money and we
20:48
spend as. Little as possible.
20:51
And I. So he said yeah.
20:52
Let's do it. And so I called the local
20:54
organisation and I'm saying to her, we're going to do this fun
20:57
run and running speedos and Santa hats in the middle of
21:00
winter in Canberra and we're going to raise 10 grand.
21:05
And the president on the end of the phone went, oh, or I don't
21:09
think you could do that. You know we do.
21:12
Like a. Big fundraiser as an
21:13
organisation and like we're lucky to make 10 grand and I was
21:17
like trust me, we're going to do this I need you to send me an
21:22
authoritative fundraise. He's like, I don't know what
21:23
that is like, OK, I'm going to write an authority to fundraise.
21:27
I'm going to send it to. You you're going to sign it.
21:30
And then I'm going to go go do this.
21:34
So I had a. Party and.
21:37
I had papers. Registration forms at my party
21:40
that everyone came over, I was like, right, you're registering.
21:43
You're registering and you're agreeing to raise a minimum of
21:46
$500. And they're like, oh, I'm like,
21:48
do it like I'm like, you're going to be in Speedos.
21:50
People pay for that. And we had nine people sign up,
21:54
including the two of us in the first year.
21:57
So I was like. Everybody has to write.
21:58
Raise $500 and everybody did. And some of some of our
22:05
fundraisers raised a lot more and we made $12,500 in our first
22:10
year. And that president called me
22:12
back and he's like just all of this money just keeps coming in
22:17
and we don't know, like this is amazing.
22:20
How did you do? This.
22:21
And I'm like, well, this. Is what I do.
22:24
And we just made the next year more Santas, next year more
22:29
Santas. But it was never about the
22:33
quantity of people it. Was about the quality, so I
22:37
said. If we're doing a fundraiser,
22:39
it's because I know how hard. I've seen how hard.
22:42
Cystic fibrosis is to live. With I've seen the.
22:46
Cost that is associated. With it.
22:49
And So what I don't want is for you to come and parade around in
22:53
your speedos. You can do that in your own
22:54
time. No peacocking.
22:56
Exactly. I mean feel.
22:57
Free to Peacock. After you raise the money, but
23:00
also raise the money before. The day so we had all.
23:03
Of these strategies and all of these.
23:04
Ways that people. Could raise the money before the
23:06
day and then that meant you didn't have to pull your wallet
23:09
out on the day. You could celebrate you.
23:12
Could enjoy, you could take, and you could bring your Peacock out
23:15
as much as you liked. And so $1,000,000.
23:19
In over how many years? Well, it was because of COVID.
23:24
Yeah, so it was. 88 actual events over a.
23:29
Decade. So there was a couple of years
23:31
that. Obviously with COVID and things
23:32
like that, that we didn't do them and you know, this was the
23:36
thing as well and he knew me, sorry.
23:37
You said $1,000,000, Yeah. Oh yeah, it's awesome.
23:40
Yeah, well done. And the last one or the biggest
23:43
1 I think. Was about 200,000.
23:45
But it was 100 and. 10 people 150. 150 people because that's
23:50
something we're trying to do with that we're focusing on that
23:53
better not necessarily bigger yeah even though yeah it ends up
23:56
being big and we've also stolen your Santa run yeah since you
24:00
stopped doing that all right with that and that's on again on
24:02
again on again this year all right I'll.
24:04
Be there December. 18th of December at the Jetty all.
24:07
Right, I'll be there. No speedos because we have no
24:09
peacocking rule there. So that's that's but.
24:12
We can't just not just not at the dock.
24:14
No, not at the docking dock. We might bring it back though.
24:17
You know it. This was the thing.
24:18
And Andy knew me very. Well, so I had created the.
24:23
Event I'd passed. It over to the.
24:26
Organisation I'd. Created the structure basically.
24:29
All they needed to do was rinse and repeat that event every year
24:32
to keep raising money. And then it became harder as the
24:36
organisation didn't have staff, they were all volunteers and
24:40
like I said, volunteers that were generally parents with
24:43
their own children. And he said to me.
24:47
About two weeks before he passed away.
24:49
Will you do one more of? Course I will.
24:55
I love you and I will. Of course I'll do another one
24:58
and that and so. That was how.
25:00
We cracked the million because I went all right, we have 200,000
25:04
to go. That's how much we'll raise.
25:06
Let's make this happen. But I.
25:09
Raise money for the. 'Cause that I cared.
25:12
About and that's what made a huge difference to me.
25:16
Cystic fibrosis ACT have actually.
25:20
Not they don't operate in the ACT anymore, but in a good way
25:24
because medical treatment has completely changed the lives.
25:29
Of people with cystic. Fibrosis you now take 2.
25:32
Tablets a day. And it puts a stopper in your
25:35
genetic mutation from doing the wrong thing so you don't get all
25:38
the symptoms that you. Used to get.
25:41
That you needed all the treatment and all of the therapy
25:43
and all of the cost. So you're saying when there's a
25:45
good or they're not operating here, that's because the
25:48
treatments for it have gotten so good that they don't really need
25:50
to, Yeah. So they had all.
25:53
Of the money that. We had raised.
25:55
They have passed. It over to an organisation
25:58
that's like minded in one of the.
26:00
Other states. Who still then basically
26:02
provides that financial assistance, but they don't have
26:05
to. Go all out so.
26:07
And this is it. Like it is.
26:09
It is not hard to raise money if you're given the tools to do it,
26:15
if you're given if you're enabled and you're supported to
26:17
do it and there and I have I there is not a kind of
26:21
fundraiser that I have not put on I've.
26:24
Judged the best bull. Bar at a Ute muster as much as I
26:28
have drunk Chandon at a gala dinner like you've never seen SO
26:35
and every single type of fundraiser in between.
26:37
So I've learnt a lot over the years and worked.
26:40
Out what works. Well, and what doesn't?
26:42
And, you know, then set up the Santa run.
26:46
As a structure to go, this is. This is what works.
26:50
And we can see what works. Now how do we activate?
26:54
It. It's it's nice to see.
26:56
There's obviously a lot of joy when you look back on these
26:59
memories because it's a shared experience that you had a shared
27:03
purpose and you've also left a bit of a legacy and can it
27:08
continues as well. But it also must make it equally
27:13
hard when Andy passed. And I just want to read some
27:18
more of your words. Bouncing back isn't about
27:22
leaping into joy. It's about learning to live with
27:25
the ache. Saying yes to coffee with a
27:27
friend, singing along in the car, letting the smallest
27:31
moments stitch you together. Sometimes back looks like
27:35
nothing, looks nothing like before.
27:37
And that's OK. Maybe we're not meant to go
27:39
back. Maybe we're meant to go forward
27:42
differently. You're not broken, you're
27:44
building, and every messy, uneven brick still counts.
27:47
And you, you had a question at the end of that post that you
27:50
made, and I'll give it to you. What does bouncing back look
27:55
like to you? How have you bounced back since
27:58
Andy's passing? Well, I think.
28:00
The real key part is that. We're not a ball and we don't
28:05
bounce. And my expectation of myself was
28:11
well, I knew that he was going to pass away, and I had all of
28:15
this time to be aware of that. So it should be.
28:17
Easier. In theory.
28:20
In theory, until it happens. And then I broke in ways that I
28:26
didn't even know. You could break.
28:29
As a human and lost everything I felt and I.
28:38
Thought that what I would. Do is just continue on?
28:44
But I had not. Expected what grief would look
28:48
like, what it. Would feel like no matter how
28:50
much I wondered or spoke to. People.
28:54
About it until I felt it myself, I had no.
28:59
Capacity to process. And one of the things I did do.
29:04
Is. I decided early on.
29:09
Because I did. Start to struggle when he was
29:11
becoming unwell and that. We wrote our first.
29:15
Emergency will at 25 years old in a hospital because he was
29:20
having surgery the next day and we might have to put it into
29:23
place. So that's not a thing that a 25
29:26
year old should have to do. And it became harder.
29:32
And I spoke to my GP and set up a mental health plan, and she
29:38
handed me the mental health plan and said, it's just one thing I
29:42
want to say, you know, that you're mourning him and he
29:47
hasn't died. And I thought, gosh, that's
29:51
really inefficient. We hate inefficiency.
29:55
And I made this conscious decision that I would give
29:58
myself moments to cry in the car.
30:02
Usually with either. Céline Dion or Shania Twain?
30:06
But I would. Not mourn a loss that I had not
30:11
experienced yet. Because I was.
30:13
So lucky to spend every moment with him and we could enjoy
30:17
those times and we could laugh in the most inappropriate times
30:22
and. That was what got us through so.
30:26
When I actually got to the point of grieving, it wasn't just.
30:31
That loss, it was the loss of. All of the time that we had
30:36
spent together and the loss of myself and I, I thought, you
30:43
know, I'm this resilient. I'm this very capable person and
30:47
I just completely couldn't function and I didn't care about
30:54
things and I thought I'm never am I never going to care about
30:58
anything ever again. And that's deeply a part of my
31:04
humanity and it. Just has disappeared.
31:08
Overnight and I had a person. After he passed away.
31:16
Because my expectation myself, I was CEO of a mental health not
31:20
for profit at the time that my husband passed away and so.
31:24
I felt that I. Had an obligation to.
31:28
Be a leader. Of mental health in my worst and
31:31
my darkest moment, which sounds ridiculous and not an
31:35
expectation that anybody else put on me.
31:37
It is only the expectation that I had of myself.
31:39
I can see it. So I was straight into a
31:42
psychologist. I was doing all the things and I
31:45
said to, I said to my psychologist, I said I honest, I
31:49
feel like I'm sitting at the bottom of a well and I just
31:54
can't get out of it. And I know how to get out of it.
31:58
I've gotten out of it. Before.
31:59
But I just every time I I'm like scratching at the walls and I'm
32:03
so stuck. Because I keep just.
32:05
Falling back down. And then I'm angry at myself
32:08
because I should know. And I see these ladders and I,
32:12
you know, there's this one ladder.
32:13
That is, it's the strategies that we used to do.
32:16
Together. And so I think this ladder will
32:18
Get Me Out because I already know that these strategies work.
32:21
And I start to climb the ladder and it just turns to dust
32:24
because without Andy, these strategies aren't going to work.
32:28
And then I go, OK, well, there's another ladder and I look at, I
32:32
kind of step onto it and it's things that I think, well.
32:36
These these were. Things that could work?
32:38
Maybe they're new things I can try.
32:41
But it's so fragile that. As soon as I step on it, it kind
32:44
of breaks. It doesn't have the strength.
32:45
To be able to. Get Me Out of here.
32:49
I'm cranky because here I'm still stuck in the stupid well
32:52
and I'm not someone who sits and then I've got this new ladder.
32:57
That's steel. And shiny and new.
33:01
And it does represent things like starting medication and
33:04
talking to a psychologist. New things that I'd never done
33:07
before. And I start climbing this
33:10
ladder, but it doesn't go all the.
33:11
Way up. Like there's work to be done to
33:15
get myself out. And so I come back down, I sit
33:18
down at the bottom of the well, and I.
33:20
Hate it. I hate, I hate it.
33:23
And my psychologist said, do you think that you might need to
33:28
just sit? For a bit.
33:31
I'm like, I don't know if you know who I am.
33:34
I'm like, what? Just sit, Nah, how?
33:40
I don't even know how to do that.
33:41
And so that was one of the things I had to learn.
33:44
Was I have to sit, have to feel. It I have to experience it even
33:50
though it's so uncomfortable and then I can start to work on.
33:55
Those strategies that. Get Me Out and what I hadn't.
33:57
Thought about was. You know my mum.
34:00
Could see her at the top of the. Well, she'd AB sail down and
34:04
she'd come sit with me and I was not alone like I thought I was.