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Misdirection in Communication, Or, How To Stay On Topic · Trauma Free Relationship

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There's a move in football, and I'm talking about American
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football here, where the player with the ball is running towards
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an opponent and in order to avoid a tackle, they throw their
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head one way and then move their body another.
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This is called misdirection and it can be very effective in
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avoiding A tackle. So today we're going to talk
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about misdirection in communication.
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Now, I'm not talking about the more toxic defenses like
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gaslighting, reverse attacked and I deflect, things like that,
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but rather how couples get locked into communication
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patterns of misdirection together where they end up going
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down a rabbit hole or avoiding the very topic or the very thing
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that they need or want to talk about.
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South misdirection in communication with couples.
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That's what we're going to talk about today.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm Tom Filp, your host, and as a therapist, I've spent over
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10,000 hours helping couples work through their trauma so
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they can repair ruptures, heal their wounds, and communicate
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from a place of wholeness and connection.
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Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned at the outset,
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this happens a lot. I see this a ton with couples
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where they come in and they tell me that they got into a rupture
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during the past week and the conversation broke down and
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disconnection continued. And maybe they avoided each
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other for a few days or even a few hours at a time, tried to
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calm down because things had escalated and they never really
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repaired or resolved what was actually going on or what they
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intended to talk about. And so I talked about going down
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the rabbit hole or how they can't stick to the subject.
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And that's what I mean when I say misdirection and
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communication. This is a little bit different
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than necessarily defensiveness. I see couples that do this even
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if they're not caught in a cycle or even if they are not
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escalated at the moment or, or defensive, they can still have a
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communication pattern that breaks down and moves them
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further away from their intended subject and not closer to it.
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So with that in mind, let's walk through some different kinds of
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misdirection in communication. And I see this play out, as I
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said, where one partner might come to the other partner with
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an issue and say, hey, you know, this happened.
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I'd like to talk about this. Or they might be sitting
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together and talking and they come up on a problem they need
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to be able to solve together. So it can start a variety of
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ways in the relationship. But then something begins to
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happen where their communication style tends to pull them further
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apart and away from the subject, as opposed to being able to
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empathize, validate, and stick to the subject at hand in order
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to be able to problem solve together.
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So one of the ways I've noticed misdirection in communication is
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through storytelling. Now this happens where one
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partner wants to completely retell the story and add context
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or or you know, be able to walk through the entire event again.
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And in doing so, the problem with this is that the partner
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can get completely lost in the details or the partner then can
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get pulled into the story and start arguing about series of
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events that happened in that story.
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So now they have moved completely away from the
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original subject and they're caught up in a story where one
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partner was trying to, you know, provide context enough to lead
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to a point. But now they're both fighting
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over the, the series of events. Well, this, this didn't happen
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that way or this happened then or so on and so forth.
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And it completely distracts them.
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They end but going down the proverbial rabbit hole and away
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from their intended subject. An example of this is my mom
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blessed her heart growing up. She was, she loved to talk.
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She was a big talker. She loved people.
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I got my love of people from her, but she was a big
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storyteller in the sense that she couldn't just get right to a
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point. O she'd come in and she'd say,
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you're not going to believe who I saw in the grocery store just
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now. And we and the family would be
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gathered in a den and we'd say, I don't know who'd you just see?
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And she said, well, starting last Wednesday and you could see
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sort of the our eyeballs bug out of her head like they do in the
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cartoons or like, what? What do you mean last Wednesday?
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Weren't you telling us what happened right here and right
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now? But for her, she wanted to Add
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all the context to the point to, to, to, to, to the, to the end
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result of the story, the point of the story.
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And then, but as a result, she would lose this before she ever
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got there because she'd go through so much storytelling
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that maybe even by the end, we didn't even care who she saw
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anymore. We just wanted to get to the
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point. So storytelling can, can be a
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misdirection in communication. Another one,
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intellectualization. When one partner begins to
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intellectualize the issue, when they're not leading with their
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heart but only with their head, what happens is they begin to
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explain or justify what they did.
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Now you tend to see this more and the more avoidance style
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then you do the the anxious style.
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But this is one way where things can begin to break down and
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misdirection can happen in communication with your partner.
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So when we, when we don't, when we don't acknowledge the
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emotional aspects of a story and we just see it purely from an
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intellectual standpoint, we're trying to solve the problem and
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then we're trying to explain or even justify what's happening or
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how we would solve the problem or why we disagree.
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That can be misdirection as well, especially for the more
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avoidant style. Now, conversely, the more
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anxious style, they can bring up so many things at one time that
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it can overwhelm the partner. And I hear this a lot too,
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especially from my more avoidance style partners.
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Will they say, look, we're talking and then and she needs
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to get this stuff off her chest. And I, I get that, but she, she
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has so much that she talks about.
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I, I can't even address one point before she's moved on to
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the next point and, or before he's ready to move on.
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And, and he throws so much at me.
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It completely overwhelms me that I, I don't even know where to
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begin. There's I, I couldn't even keep
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track or take notes. There's so much coming at me.
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So sometimes one partner can bring up so many things at one
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time that it becomes misdirection and communication
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because there's no way for the other partner to be able to hone
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in on say, look, what are we really talking about here?
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What's, what's really the issue? Because there's so many things
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that are happening and which leads us to the next one.
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And both partners and both attachment styles can do this.
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They can start bringing up things from the past.
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And this is a big one as well. This is misdirection, right?
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And, and whether it's intentional or unintentional,
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the, the intention often behind it is to try to make comparisons
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and to try to bring up a point from the past and compare it to
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a point that they're trying to now make in the future.
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But the problem is, is without being able just to stay in the
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here and now and to really be able to focus on the issue at
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hand right here, right now, bringing up things from the past
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muddies the water. You know, it's like a crystal
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clear stream and then you come and you just dump a bunch of of
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mud into that stream and pretty soon because of the current, it
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starts to mix with that mud and next thing you know, it's no
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longer clear anymore downstream. It gets really muddy.
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And so bringing up things from the past muddies the water and
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is a misdirection in communication.
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We don't want to bring up things from the past.
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We want to be able to sit with whatever it is we're talking
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about right here and right now. Another thing that I see is mind
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reading or making assumptions. Now our mind is automatically
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built to make meaning. So there's nothing your
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partner's going to say or do that you're not going to derive
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some kind of meaning from. But what we don't want to do is
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make the assumption that our meaning is 100% accurate.
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And so we can get into mind reading with our partner where
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we interpret something they say and then we we lock on to that
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interpretation is the absolute truth.
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And we need to be able to verify and clarify whether that's
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really true. Hey, what I hear you saying is
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it was really hurtful when you asked me to do the dishes and
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then came home and there was still a pile of dishes in the
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sink and I was sitting down relaxing, watching the game, and
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I hadn't done it yet. I could see where that was
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frustrating for you. Am I getting that right?
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As opposed to man, it's no big deal, you're so controlling,
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Golly, I will do the dishes when I want to quit.
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Quit harping at me or whatever, right?
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Making the assumption that somehow she's controlling you
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have to do it a certain way, as opposed to a relational
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interpretation of Wow. I could see where this would be
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frustrating. Her coming home at having asked
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me to do something, hoping that she has a reliable partner that
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will get things done in a timely manner, only to be disappointed
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by that. So we can mind read, we can make
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assumptions about what our partners thinking and feeling
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and we can lock on to those as the only interpretation of an
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event. And this can be a form of
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misdirection as well. And then the last thing in this
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this list by no means is exhausted.
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There probably are other things where couples can can misdirect
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and get caught down the rabbit hole, but the last one I see is
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the what if game where they create these hypotheticals.
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Well, what if this what if that when a couple is in crisis, when
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their trauma has been triggered, that is not a good time at all
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to play the what if game because it's a form of misdirection.
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It's going to move you further away.
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Often times it's a hypothetical that doesn't even matter anyway,
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but the person's trying to make a point, or they're trying to
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make again, a comparison, and it again moves people away from the
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primary subject and moves people away from the real focus of the
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conversation. So what if games are fun when
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we're when we're not caught in a cycle, when we're having a nice
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relaxing time? Then you can play some
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hypothetical games with one another.
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Then you can you can create some of those scenarios and, and they
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might be enjoyable, but bringing them up in a moment where we're
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trying to have a focus conversation about something is
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not the time to do that at all. So, OK, the question becomes
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right. Let's put this in a context of,
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well, how do we not misdirect in communication?
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How do we stick and to the subject?
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How do we focus on what's most important?
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Well, first of all, I think it's important to set the stage O
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make sure you choose the right time in the right place.
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When your partner's in the middle of, I don't know, washing
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the dishes or in the middle of gardening or when they're when
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they're upset and they're venting to you about, about
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their, their boss or a colleague or their sister or brother or
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whatever. That's not a time to bring
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things up. That is not a time when there's,
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it seems, stress or anxious at all.
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That is not the time. So let's pick the right time in
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the right place. If they're sitting and reading,
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maybe go ask, hey, would this be a good time to talk for a few
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minutes or do you want to finish that page or the chapter or
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could I get a few minutes of your time or they're watching,
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you know, something on TV. Hey, would now be a good time?
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Are you really bought into the show or can we talk for a few
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minutes? So ask their permission, try to
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set the right time in the right place to do that.
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Agree on some ground rules. So before you start, explicitly
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agree to stay on topic. It's going to be really
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important to avoid any of those misdirections that I just talked
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about. And then thirdly, can we define
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the issue clearly? Here's what I want to talk
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about. Can you define it in one
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sentence at you never help around the house and I'm feeling
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overwhelmed with chores and would like to discuss how can we
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share the work will load more evenly.
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This is what I would like to talk about clearly defined.
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You're not coming in and you're starting with last Wednesday and
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then while I'm leading up to a point and you haven't even
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gotten my point yet or you start jumping in on one particular
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detail that they've they've talked about and you start
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arguing that detail. That's a misdirection to talk
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about the point. Stick to the point together.
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Your conversations will go much better.
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All right, So what else can we do?
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Well, first of all, think about this like a parking lot for
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future discussions, right? So if a new issue comes up that
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isn't directly related to the current discussion, acknowledge
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it and and suggest putting it in a parking lot to discuss later.
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OK, I I hear that that was an issue for you, but that was
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something that happened last year.
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I really want to just stick to our ability to be able to share
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chores more evenly. Can we focus on this?
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And then we'll put that topic in the parking lot and we will
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absolutely come back and discuss that.
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Because oftentimes, again, bringing something U from the
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past is misdirection. And, and I understand what the
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person's doing that they might feel a little pressure, a little
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stressed, they might feel attacked.
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And so they bring up something similar that maybe they never
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brought up before as a comparison to like, why is this
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a big deal for you? That same thing happens to me
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and I don't bring it up, but that's a whole separate issue.
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That's not what we're originally talking about.
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South. Putting something in a parking
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lot is a good way for us to be able to to come back to
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something else later. You can even write it down.
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OK, this sounds like it's an issue for you.
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Let's write this down. We're going to put it in the
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parking lot for future discussion.
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But right now, can we stay with what we started?
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Another phrase you can use is OK, we'll back to the point.
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So if your partner starts storytelling, you can just say,
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OK, I understand that. But back to the point.
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So we can agree on some phrases that we can use that can signal
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us to get back to the original point.
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If you have made your point upfront, if you say, look, this
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is what I want to talk about, then it's really easy to be able
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to say, OK, back to the point because you stated your point
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from the beginning. And so that's a phrase you can
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use to bring it back to where where we are, where we need to
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be. Focus on solutions, not just
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complaints. I really want to understand how
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we can share the chores more evenly in the house.
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We both work, we both have stressful jobs.
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We both care for the kids. I am not minimizing the role you
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play in the family or how much you do for us, but I feel like a
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lot of the chores falls on me and I'm wondering how we can
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discuss that in a way that we can find solutions.
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Is there something that you can think of or a way that would be
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helpful for us to be able to share these chores more evenly?
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So try to focus somewhat on solutions and not just
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complaints. Now from my perspective, there
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is one caveat to this. Do not try to push for solutions
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until you both first agree on the problem.
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What I see too often is couples try to push for a solution to
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actually avoid the stress of the conversation itself.
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One partner wants to get away from the tension that's created
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by having this come up, by focusing on the problem.
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Or maybe they don't even agree that it's a problem and so they
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just sort of acquiesce. Or they just sort of just give
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in. OK, sure.
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Yeah, no problem. Whatever.
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And, and or they throw out a salute.
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OK, I'll start doing more. Sure, no problem.
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OK Yeah. Can I get back to my game now?
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Or whatever it might be as a way to actually avoid having the
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conversation. And they might not.
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That may not even agree on what the problem is.
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So unless there's some overlap between you and your partner, do
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not try to push for a loose solution until there's some
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overlap that we can agree that this is a problem, or at least
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till they acknowledge that it's a problem for you if you're
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bringing it up. So they may not even see it the
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same way, but it can they at least be able to say, yes, I see
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that you have an issue with this.
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And so because you have an issue with it, I'm willing to listen
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and I want to know more about it.
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Can they at least agree that it's a problem for you and they
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will take some kind of ownership to help you resolve it?
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OK, something else. Be specific, not global.
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Don't say always and never. And don't say yeah, yeah, I'll
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start helping more. No problem.
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That's not specific enough, rather.
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OK, what days could we maybe split some chores and share?
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Do we need a specific time? Do I need to say, OK, by Sunday
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night at midnight, you'll do all your chores and I'll have all my
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chores done so that we can start the the the week clean knowing
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that we've done both of our chores for that week.
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And then the next week it rolls over.
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And if you want to do all your chores on Tuesday night, you can
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do all yours and I won't say a thing because you're doing it in
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your time. But we we can both agree that
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all chores will be done by X time and day of the week,
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something like that. And so the last thing I'll say
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is identify underlining needs, right?
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More often than not, the issue that's being brought up is a
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relational issue. It's not really always about the
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dishes, It's not really about the chores.
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It's not always about the child care or parenting issues or
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sexual issues. More often than not, what is
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being discussed is a relational issue.
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What I mean by that is we can start out with a certain topic,
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but what we're really talking about here is a relational need
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that's being unmet. When I come home and I see dirty
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dishes in the sink and you're sitting there on the phone
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scrolling and I've asked you 2 days in a row if you wouldn't
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mind cleaning the dishes and you tell me yes.
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What? What I feel like is I'm
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frustrated not because the dishes aren't done, but because
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I feel like I have an unreliable partner to help.
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I feel like I've got a partner that I have no influence over
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that when I asked for help in a certain area or with something
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to be done, it gets ignored. And so the real issue is a
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relational issue, not necessarily about the dishes.
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And so one of the misdirections I see a lot is where couples
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want to talk about the actual content rather than the context
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of what is happening. And if you can imagine a line in
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the middle of a sheet of paper, everything above that line is us
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talking about the dishes themselves.
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And everything below the line is us talking about how it impacts
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the relationship. And so when we identify our
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underlining needs, we want to make sure that what we're really
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talking about is what's happening at a relational level
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because otherwise it can be misdirection.
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So make sure that we identify the underlining needs there so
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we're really able to communicate.
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Hey, I think what's really going on for me and why I wanted to
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talk is I feel like I asked you for help around the house and I
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don't have a reliable partner and I really want a reliable
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partner. OK, well, I hope this was
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helpful. Thank you so much for listening.
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Be sure to like and share and communicate with others about
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this particular podcast. If it's helpful to you, I'd
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really love for you to give it a rating as well so we can keep it
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coming to you and keep helping you work through your trauma in
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your life and in your relationships.
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Thank you so much, Have a good day.