Latest / Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy / 425 | How to Coach Parents Through Severe Power Struggles

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425 | How to Coach Parents Through Severe Power Struggles · Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

• 0:00
  You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:04
  your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
• 0:08
  Hi,
• 0:08
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:10
  This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
• 0:12
  a master class in child-centered play therapy
• 0:15
  and practical support and application for your
• 0:17
  work with children and their families.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
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  we are talking about
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  how to help parents.
• 0:25
  With a child who has taken over the home.
• 0:30
  So,
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  kind of an interesting spin because this is actually from a therapist,
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  but
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  a therapist asking about how to support parents and educate parents about
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  some issues that they're having in the home with
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  the child and the behavior and things like that.
• 0:44
  So,
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  this is from Allison in the UK
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  and hello to all of those on the other side of the pond.
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  Appreciate you all listening.
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  And this is about a kid that is 10 years old with autism and ADHD.
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  And
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  the difficulty of navigating behaviors in the home
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  from the therapeutic support standpoint.
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  So,
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  excited about that.
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  Allison,
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  thank you for the email.
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  Before I answer that,
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  I want to share a couple of things.
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  There are only a couple of weeks left before the Indiana event.
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  For those of you that have already registered,
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  I cannot wait to see you at the end of the month.
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  But for those of you that have been thinking about it or trying to make plans,
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  know that you're running short on time.
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  There's about 2 weeks left before registration closes.
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  So make sure that you get
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  registered if you want to come.
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  We're gonna have all kinds of cool things that weekend,
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  so looking forward to that.
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  And also,
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  hey,
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  I've been made aware a couple of times
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  over the last couple of weeks.
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  People that have ordered the Parent Companion for Play Therapy book,
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  every single order,
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  whether you got an author copy or whether you've ordered a bulk
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  order.
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  Every single order we've sent out has had a half sheet of paper
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  that I personally hand signed.
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  And
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  a lot of people have been like,
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  oh,
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  I just threw that away.
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  I'm like,
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  really y'all?
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  Anyway,
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  I spent time signing those things.
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  I'm just kidding.
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  I don't care.
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  But
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  that that paper is important,
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  not because it has my name on it,
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  because there's a QR code on that half sheet of paper.
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  So it is inserted in the individual copies that you ordered
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  or it's sitting on the top of the bulk orders,
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  OK?
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  So y'all need to be on the lookout for
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  a half sheet of paper.
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  Hopefully you did not throw it away.
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  It has a QR code and what that does is it gives you an entire
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  therapist guide for implementing this in your practice.
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  So,
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  a lot of people have been telling me that they've ordered the book
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  and
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  they're like,
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  yeah,
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  and I've been doing this and this and this.
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  And I'm like,
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  well,
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  I wonder if you've used the implementation guide.
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  And they're like,
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  what are you talking about?
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  So,
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  I'm trying to just get the word out.
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  If you did not.
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  Just keep that paper and you can't scan the QR code.
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  It'll be in the show notes,
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  but go to parentcompanionforplaytherapy.com/integrating
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  Meaning integrating this into your practice.
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  And I know,
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  not my favorite word,
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  but it is what it is.
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  So,
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  we are trying to give you
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  kind of a 5 week by 5 week plan
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  of how you help parents know what's happening at any given moment.
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  And so if you use that guide,
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  it will help you structure your PCs,
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  your parent consult,
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  sorry,
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  so that
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  you're saying,
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  OK,
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  before we meet for our first 5-week consult,
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  please read chapters 1 and 2.
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  Before we meet for our 10 week consult,
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  please read chapters 4 and 8.
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  And it will give you some structure
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  and some knowledge about what to share and why and
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  what parents should be reading when and why in the process
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  to follow you through the stages and phases of therapy.
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  So,
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  I wanted to make sure y'all are aware because I,
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  I thought that the half piece of paper was gonna be enough,
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  but 7 plus or minus 2,
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  I get it.
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  Shame on me.
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  So,
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  I'm letting y'all know there is a guide that will help you use this with your parents
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  and take advantage of that,
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  please,
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  because it's pretty comprehensive
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  and it will take the guesswork out of using the book in your practices.
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  So,
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  parentcompanionforplaytherraapy.com/integrating or scan the QR
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  code on the half sheet of paper.
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  OK.
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  So,
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  now,
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  here we go.
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  Back to Allison's question.
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  So let me read parts of this and then we'll dive in together.
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  I have a 10 year old child with ASD and ADHD.
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  There are no limits or boundaries in the home.
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  Due to the child's significant weight gain and peer comments,
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  confidence and self-esteem needs support.
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  It's how to approach this,
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  given his current mood and resistance to engage.
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  The child completely controls the home environment
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  and his parents with constant demands,
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  talking over other adults if mom and dad are in conversation,
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  repetitive requests,
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  calling the dad's name over and over for a response.
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  They're in a vicious circle of catering to all his demands
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  because when he does not get his way,
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  he wrecks the home setting or car.
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  Due to how long this pattern has been continuing,
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  it will be a long process to unpick this pattern and set limits.
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  Do you have any advice on how parents could approach this in a gradual way
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  and what to say or do when he begins to wreck things within the house?
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  OK.
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  So,
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  there's gonna be a lot of components here.
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  So,
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  we'll,
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  we'll try to tackle them one at a time.
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  First and foremost,
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  we have to recognize what's at the heart of this kind of behavior.
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  And
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  I'm sure a lot of you all are yelling at me,
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  power and control.
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  OK.
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  So,
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  we understand
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  this is power and control motivated.
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  Why?
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  Because this child probably feels that he has little to no control over anything.
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  In his life,
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  in his daily function.
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  So,
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  where am I going to grasp at power and control?
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  Anywhere that I can.
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  So,
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  this is understandable.
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  This makes sense.
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  We're going to have
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  a pretty clear
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  understanding of where
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  this is all rooted.
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  Once we understand that,
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  it helps parents know,
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  first of all,
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  what's going on.
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  Second of all,
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  how to
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  adjust and respond accordingly.
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  Also,
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  there are no limits or boundaries in the home is what you said,
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  Allison.
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  So that leads me to believe that
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  this is parents' lack
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  of consistency and follow through.
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  As well as child's need for power and control.
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  So this is not just the child,
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  this is the parent's
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  inability historically
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  to be clear and consistent with boundaries.
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  So this is a both and.
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  We need to understand where this is coming from with mom and dad.
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  We also need to understand where this is coming from with
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  child.
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  Once we understand the backstory on both sides of this,
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  then we're able to
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  help them
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  kind of
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  change the the direction.
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  When you have a child that is used
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  to constantly controlling everything like you're describing here,
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  Alison.
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  We know that it is going to be slow.
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  One of the questions that we ask parents
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  is,
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  I wonder how long it's taken you to get here.
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  So this kid's 10.
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  How long has this kid been ruling the roost at home?
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  3 years,
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  5 years
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  since he was born,
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  whatever the number is.
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  That is a really helpful juxtaposition for helping a parent
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  know that it's not going to get fixed overnight.
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  So I wonder how long it's taken you to get here.
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  Oh gosh,
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  it's been like this for like 3 years.
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  OK,
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  so it's gonna take us a while to
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  change this.
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  We have to be very clear and set realistic expectations
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  for
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  parents'
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  awareness of the process here
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  because if they think that think this can be fixed in like a month.
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  Then
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  everyone's setting up
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  to fail.
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  We have to be very clear on that.
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  Second of all,
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  we have to help a parent understand that with an autistic child,
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  They need to look at their child through a totally different lens.
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  There
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  is a totally different scenario,
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  parenting a neurodivergent child.
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  And often what happens is,
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  the relationship gets fractured.
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  Because
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  the child is not neurotypical
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  and neurotypical parents
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  don't understand a neurodivergent child.
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  And so what happens over time
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  is there's frustration,
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  there's bitterness,
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  there's resentment,
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  there's irritation,
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  there's misunderstanding,
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  there's miscommunication.
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  There's all kinds of things,
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  and it starts to seep in
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  and
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  the parents no longer unconditionally accept the child.
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  They no longer unconditionally love the child.
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  And
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  I don't have time to get into all of the parenting strategies for neurodivergence,
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  but
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  what I think is really helpful,
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  Allison,
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  is for you to help a parent understand
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  it all starts with relationship.
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  So if they do nothing else for a while.
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  The priority
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  is not to teach them skills.
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  It's to give them
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  tips
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  and tricks
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  for how to pour into a relationship with their son.
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  Are they spending 30 minutes a week,
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  each of them uninterrupted,
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  where
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  he gets to decide what they do and they just spend
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  time with him doing whatever he wants for 30 minutes?
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  Are they
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  working on focusing on the doughnut,
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  not the hole?
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  Are they working on giving 32nd bursts of attention?
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  Are they working on unconditional acceptance and having empathy for their child?
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  Are they working on trying to understand what he loves and what his interests are
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  and meet him in those hobbies and in those passions?
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  When you have a neurodivergent child.
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  Parents have to be equipped to interact differently.
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  So I would absolutely start there because
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  kids behave in more self-enhancing ways
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  when they are unconditionally loved and accepted within a secure relationship.
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  I suspect these relationships are pretty fractured right now.
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  So that's going to be the priority.
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  And with the constant demands
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  and wanting to control everything,
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  once they know
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  how it's rooted,
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  it gives them some insight and perspective,
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  which is always helpful.
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  And
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  they can give choices.
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  They can set limits.
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  But
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  if they continue to give him time,
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  if they continue to pour into him,
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  it,
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  it may automatically diffuse the intensity of his need to control things.
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  If they give him choices consistently and he feels that
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  he has a sense of control and power over life,
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  it may diffuse the intensity of the need to fight for it all the time.
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  So we're not even necessarily talking about how to address the fact
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  that he will call Dad's name over and over and over again
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  because he wants to be acknowledged.
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  That is
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  byproduct of root issue.
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  So let's go back to root issue because we hate putting band-aids over gaping wounds.
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  So we're not going to just say,
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  oh well,
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  we'll just get him to stop calling his dad's name over and over again.
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  No,
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  let's get to the heart of this.
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  The child needs to feel that he has a measure of power and control.
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  The child needs to feel unconditionally loved and accepted.
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  Parents need to pour into a relationship with the child.
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  Parents need to spend time with the child in positive,
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  enhancing ways.
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  Those are the precursors for making sure that behavior begins to change
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  because obviously he's working with you,
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  Alison,
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  so he's going to be doing his work in the playroom.
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  Parents need to start doing their work at home.
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  And
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  you know,
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  when he doesn't get his way,
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  he wrecks the home or the car,
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  of course,
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  because he's learned
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  if I up the ante,
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  if I escalate,
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  if I make everything worse,
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  eventually everyone's going to give in.
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  So this is a conditioned pattern.
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  They have given in.
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  They've given in,
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  they've given in,
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  they've given in,
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  and now he's like,
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  oh well,
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  you haven't given in to that yet.
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  OK,
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  well,
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  I'm just going to make it a little worse,
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  then you'll give in.
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  It's a conditioned pattern
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  that they have
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  made very clear is the pattern.
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  So once we get to a point where we're going to talk about limits,
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  I,
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  I would not even talk about limits for a very long time,
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  Alison.
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  I know that's what parents are begging for,
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  but that's not what they need.
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  They need all the stuff we've already talked about first.
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  But way down the road a ways,
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  then you can bring up the idea of limits,
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  and then you're going to say,
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  you make it very clear
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  that they stay neutral and calm,
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  they are consistent.
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  And they enforce
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  the consequence of the choice.
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  So,
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  you can choose for me to answer you when I'm done having this conversation,
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  or you can choose for me to answer you in one minute.
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  Which do you choose?
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  OK.
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  So,
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  now,
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  we've made it very clear there are two choices
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  because the first part of that limit would be you
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  really want me to talk to you right now,
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  but I'm speaking with someone else right now.
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  OK,
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  that would be the A and the C,
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  and then the T are the choices.
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  OK.
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  So,
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  when the child starts to
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  get really disregulated,
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  get really angry,
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  want power and control,
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  it's all predicated on the work that's already
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  been put into place.
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  All the investment they've already made.
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  That will be
• 13:18
  at the foundation of this,
• 13:20
  and then we move to ultimate limits if we have to.
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  You would really like me to talk to you,
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  but I'm talking to someone else.
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  Then you move to if then choices.
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  If you choose to start throwing things,
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  you choose for me not to talk to you at all.
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  If you choose to remain calm until I'm done,
• 13:39
  you choose for me to talk to you.
• 13:40
  Which do you choose?
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  And what we're doing is making it clear,
• 13:46
  I will no longer tolerate this behavior.
• 13:48
  Your feelings are always valid,
• 13:50
  but I will no longer tolerate this behavior.
• 13:53
  And when things start to escalate,
• 13:54
  then you move to a limit on the escalating behavior.
• 13:58
  But what the child needs to learn is this is no longer going to serve me.
• 14:03
  This is no longer going to meet my needs.
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  It used to be that I got what I wanted because
• 14:08
  I could control everything and that they would give in.
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  They're not giving in anymore.
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  And guess what?
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  You need to pep talk them,
• 14:14
  Alison.
• 14:15
  You need to kind of prepare them
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  because when a parent finally decides they're going to put up boundaries,
• 14:22
  they need to be prepared for the battle.
• 14:25
  This kid isn't going to like it one bit.
• 14:27
  This kid's going to fight tooth and nail.
• 14:28
  This kid's going to ramp everything up
• 14:31
  to the nth degree.
• 14:33
  Because
• 14:33
  all of a sudden this is not working anymore,
• 14:36
  he's going to lose it.
• 14:38
  Parents need to be prepared for that.
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  They need to have some stalwart
• 14:42
  commitment here.
• 14:44
  I'm not going to give in,
• 14:45
  outwit,
• 14:46
  outlast,
• 14:46
  outplay.
• 14:47
  You don't let the child win.
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  I will stick this out.
• 14:52
  I will wait it out.
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  I will outlast you.
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  I am the adult and I will not cave.
• 14:59
  That has to be the mentality.
• 15:01
  Because one of them's going to cave.
• 15:04
  Let's be real,
• 15:05
  in a power struggle,
• 15:06
  someone always gives in.
• 15:08
  It can't be the parents.
• 15:10
  So you're going to have to help them understand that.
• 15:12
  But again,
• 15:12
  Alison,
• 15:13
  I'm talking way in the future,
• 15:14
  we would be having those kinds of conversations.
• 15:17
  We start with all the things that we've already discussed,
• 15:19
  the simple,
• 15:20
  easy,
• 15:21
  philosophical
• 15:22
  things
• 15:23
  that are at the heart of CCPT.
• 15:26
  Because
• 15:27
  if that's missed,
• 15:28
  if we jump straight to the skill,
• 15:30
  this is one of the things that we struggle with as CCPTs.
• 15:33
  We want to teach skills.
• 15:35
  And unfortunately,
• 15:36
  what that means is it sets parents up to fail because
• 15:39
  they can't execute CCPT skills.
• 15:42
  Second of all,
• 15:43
  they completely miss the why.
• 15:45
  That's what I'm going to talk about in Indiana and New Jersey.
• 15:48
  What's the why behind the skills?
• 15:50
  Because you can teach a parent to reflect a child's feelings,
• 15:53
  but if they don't understand
• 15:55
  the tenet
• 15:56
  and the foundation behind reflecting feelings,
• 16:00
  the spirit of CCPT is lost.
• 16:02
  You can teach a parent to give choices,
• 16:05
  and if they don't say it neutrally,
• 16:06
  the spirit is lost.
• 16:08
  You can teach a parent a limit set,
• 16:10
  how to set a limit,
• 16:11
  and if they say it with anger or with aggression or with threat.
• 16:15
  It flies in the face of CCPT.
• 16:18
  So,
• 16:19
  this isn't about teaching skills.
• 16:20
  This is about helping a parent understand
• 16:23
  to relate to their child differently.
• 16:26
  That changes everything.
• 16:28
  So,
• 16:28
  Allison,
• 16:29
  thank you so much for this question.
• 16:30
  I think this was really helpful and this is something that we do as a CCPT.
• 16:35
  We
• 16:35
  help parents,
• 16:36
  we support parents,
• 16:37
  we encourage parents,
• 16:39
  but it's not with CCPT skills.
• 16:42
  It's helping them see their child differently
• 16:45
  that starts the change.
• 16:46
  So I greatly appreciate the email.
• 16:48
  If you all want to reach out to me,
• 16:49
  please do.
• 16:50
  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
• 16:51
  I love y'all.
• 16:52
  We'll talk again soon.
• 16:53
  Bye.
• 16:54
  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 16:58
  For more episodes and resources,
• 17:00
  please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.