Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / FOCUS: How to become more self assured.

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FOCUS: How to become more self assured. · Do You F*cking Mind?

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  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to this focus episode. So
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: this focus episode is an extract from one of my
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  Speaker 1: older episodes, just to bring it to the forefront and
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  Speaker 1: remind you for topic that is really important that I've
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  Speaker 1: spoken about in the past. If you would like to
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  Speaker 1: hear the entire episode, just click on the link in
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  Speaker 1: the show notes and it will take you to the
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  Speaker 1: full episode. I hope you enjoyed Dunker number one. You
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  Speaker 1: have to learn how to let others down when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to decisions about your own life. And look, even
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  Speaker 1: the term letting people down I think should be used
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  Speaker 1: for why less than what it is used for. This
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  Speaker 1: idea of oh, I don't want to let my parents down.
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  Speaker 1: That statement, I don't even agree with it existing anyway,
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  Speaker 1: And I'll explain this letting someone down is. For example,
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  Speaker 1: when you say to your friend, I'm going to help
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  Speaker 1: you move houses, don't hire a removalist. I'll be there
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  Speaker 1: at eight am and they're not rocking up. That's letting
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  Speaker 1: someone down, right, Or saying I'll pick you up and
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  Speaker 1: I'll take you to the airport but not doing it,
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  Speaker 1: that's letting someone down. Or you being part of a
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  Speaker 1: group assignment at UNI and just not pulling your weight.
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  Speaker 1: That's letting your team down. So those are ways where
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  Speaker 1: you are letting someone down. Where you commit to something
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  Speaker 1: and without giving an explanation and without prior warning, you
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  Speaker 1: just don't fucking show up. You don't come to the
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  Speaker 1: table and pull your weight. That is letting somebody down. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: letting someone down doesn't really apply for things that have
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  Speaker 1: to do with your own life and it only indirectly
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  Speaker 1: affects other people. The other person or party or your
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  Speaker 1: parents are choosing to set themselves up for this potential disappointment.
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  Speaker 1: That is their choice. That was not your choice. They
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  Speaker 1: chose to have an idea of what you were going
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  Speaker 1: to do with your life, they chose to tell you
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  Speaker 1: about it, and then they chose to potentially get disappointed
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  Speaker 1: about it. That is one hundred percent on them. You
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  Speaker 1: had no saying this whole thing. You're just watching them
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  Speaker 1: create this illusion and then potentially get disappointed or potentially
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  Speaker 1: get excited. But that's all just a fucking illusion that
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  Speaker 1: they've created in their head and that's not your problem
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  Speaker 1: or your responsibility. Yeah, okay, fair enough. You might have
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  Speaker 1: kind of agreed with them and kind of, you know,
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  Speaker 1: rolled with this idea for a while, but ultimately you're
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  Speaker 1: not letting them down if you say, you know what, guys,
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  Speaker 1: I've actually changed my mind and that is not what
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to do with my life, and I'm going
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  Speaker 1: to change trajectory. I'm not going down that path anymore.
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  Speaker 1: If they then get disappointed, they are disappointed at their
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  Speaker 1: own illusion. Okay, they might think that you have let
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  Speaker 1: them down, and they might think that you have disappointed them,
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  Speaker 1: but again that is their delusion. So while I don't
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  Speaker 1: even really believe in that statement that it should be
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  Speaker 1: worded that way, let's just word it that way for
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  Speaker 1: the sake of this point number one. Start getting good
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  Speaker 1: at letting people down for not living up to their
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  Speaker 1: expectations of you. Okay, And it could be like you
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  Speaker 1: can start fucking small, for example, your family or parent.
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  Speaker 1: I'm using the example of parents as one because that's
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  Speaker 1: one of the main ones that I get messaged about,
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  Speaker 1: but it could be about anyone. You might have your
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  Speaker 1: parents that are always talking about how much they love
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  Speaker 1: your hair. That way, you could never change your hair,
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  Speaker 1: Oh my god, you would never, you would never cut
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  Speaker 1: your hair, and then one day you just gonna cut
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  Speaker 1: your hair. If you want, obviously not just to make
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  Speaker 1: a statement. If you want to cut your hair, just
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  Speaker 1: chop it fucking off and then rock up. Okay, that
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  Speaker 1: is a good way to start small if you I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I'm all for like big, fucking big statements, but if
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  Speaker 1: you want to start small, little things like that, things
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  Speaker 1: about your appearance that you want to look a certain way,
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  Speaker 1: and they've always made a comment or a statement, that's
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  Speaker 1: a really good way of starting out. And a really
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  Speaker 1: key point here is that when you do make a
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  Speaker 1: decision that goes against what you normally do because you
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  Speaker 1: don't want to rock the boat, you have to show
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  Speaker 1: that you are happy about this new decision. Often what
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  Speaker 1: people do is because we're sympathetic humans, right, so we
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  Speaker 1: try and soften the blow by acting like by mirroring
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  Speaker 1: our parents or mirroring these people that are judging us.
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  Speaker 1: We soften the blow by being like, oh, I don't know,
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  Speaker 1: I know, I know it's crazy, but oh, you know,
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  Speaker 1: I just thought i'd try something to If you show
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  Speaker 1: that you're a little bit insecure about this decision, or
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  Speaker 1: that you you yourself, are really sure if it was
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  Speaker 1: the right thing, but you thought you get then these
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  Speaker 1: people who have this expectation on you and saw you
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  Speaker 1: change your mind. When they see that you're then unsure
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  Speaker 1: of that, they take that as see that they shouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have done it, they made a mistake. They this say
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  Speaker 1: that day that if you enter being like, oh my god, guys,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so thrilled with this decision that I've made. Look
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  Speaker 1: what I've decided to do, and then explain what you've
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  Speaker 1: decided to do. If they then come at you with like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: but that's not the right, that's you just not that's
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  Speaker 1: not good for you, you say, well, can't you see
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  Speaker 1: that I'm thrilled. Would you rather me be happy? Or
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  Speaker 1: would you rather me do X y Z? What would
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  Speaker 1: you rather put? Put the question in their hands. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, you have to
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  Speaker 1: start getting good at letting a quote unquote letting people
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  Speaker 1: down when it comes to decisions about your life.
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  Speaker 2: Practice practice practice.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. Number two, you want to learn how to say
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  Speaker 1: no when you want to say no, or you want
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  Speaker 1: to learn how to say it wasn't for me when
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  Speaker 1: something genuinely wasn't for you. This comes down to the
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  Speaker 1: idea of knowing when to quit. It is so important
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  Speaker 1: to know when to quit. And it's so important to
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  Speaker 1: understand the beauty of trial and error, the beauty of impermanence,
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  Speaker 1: the beauty of something new around the corner, the beauty
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  Speaker 1: of you know, short lived experiences and ending something at
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  Speaker 1: the right time. That is so important. We I think
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  Speaker 1: so many people put importance on this longevity of something
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  Speaker 1: or fucking fighting it out or struggling the struggle, the struggle,
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  Speaker 1: the hustle, or the hustle, even if you don't want
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  Speaker 1: to be there anymore, you don't want to do that.
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  Speaker 1: We put so much pressure in staying in somewhere for
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  Speaker 1: so long, and we glorify that. Well, not everyone, but
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  Speaker 1: a lot of people will glorify that that. This idea
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  Speaker 1: of chopping and changing and chopping and changing makes you know,
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  Speaker 1: you think, oh, well, if I do that, I must
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  Speaker 1: be lost. I must be lost, instead of thinking, actually, no,
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  Speaker 1: me chopping and changing is listening to what I want.
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  Speaker 1: It's me being empowered. It's me being like, I've given
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  Speaker 1: this a go and it hasn't really worked for me,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm now going to change to something else. This
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  Speaker 1: idea of if you can start getting really good at
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  Speaker 1: saying that's not for me, or that wasn't for me.
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  Speaker 1: Then you start to really release a lot of this
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  Speaker 1: pressure that you feel from the people around you that
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  Speaker 1: expect things from you all the time, and all you
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  Speaker 1: have to do is adopt the word anymore. So for example,
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  Speaker 1: if someone's saying to you, oh, but you still always
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  Speaker 1: love doing that, you always loved going there, you say, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I did, but not anymore. Or if someone says, oh
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  Speaker 1: my god, loll that personality type, that's so you, that's like,
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  Speaker 1: that's typical of you to always do that, you say, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: it was, but it's not anymore. It's changed, or it
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  Speaker 1: could be anything like I used to love this job,
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  Speaker 1: but I don't anymore. You have to learn how to
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  Speaker 1: draw the line in the sand and make it very
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  Speaker 1: clear and express that to people. Okay, you have to
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  Speaker 1: be able to say when people questioning about why you
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  Speaker 1: change your career, you can just say it was not
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  Speaker 1: for me, it was no longer for me. I didn't
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  Speaker 1: like it, I didn't want it. If you say, oh,
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm not sure. I just I just don't,
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  Speaker 1: then people will try and convince you to go back,
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  Speaker 1: or convince you to stay, or convince you to fight
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  Speaker 1: for years and years and years of doing this fucking
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  Speaker 1: same shit again and again, because they might think they
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  Speaker 1: might be conf fused in thinking that you want to.
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  Speaker 1: A lot of the time people that put pressure on
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  Speaker 1: other people is because they are trying to take control
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  Speaker 1: of the situation that they think needs controlling. Okay, if
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  Speaker 1: you are always like, well, I don't know what but
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  Speaker 1: deep down you're like, I fucking know what I want,
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  Speaker 1: but I just don't know how to say it. Other
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  Speaker 1: people e g. Your parents might be looking at you
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  Speaker 1: being like, fuck, this kid needs to fucking be steered
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  Speaker 1: in a direction. I don't think they know what they want,
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  Speaker 1: and you might deep down just not have explored enough
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  Speaker 1: to know what you want. You don't need guidance twenty
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  Speaker 1: four to seven from your parents when you're an adult,
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  Speaker 1: but you've not been able to say that. So all
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  Speaker 1: these people think, Oh, that person's timid, let's tell them
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  Speaker 1: what to do. That person looks shy, let's give them guidance.
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  Speaker 1: And it's frustrating because shy people and timid people don't
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  Speaker 1: lack direction. They might just not want to talk about
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  Speaker 1: it too much. But unfortunately they're the ones that are
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  Speaker 1: going to then get wrapped up in this push and
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  Speaker 1: pull from people around them, trying to tell them what
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  Speaker 1: to do, when to do it, how long to do
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  Speaker 1: it for, who they should date, where they should live,
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  Speaker 1: all that shit, and people who are timid then think,
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  Speaker 1: oh fuck, and then they just swallow it because then
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  Speaker 1: they feel guilty because it's just gone for two lonths