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5 Ways Relational Trauma Impacts Your Current Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

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  Have you ever wondered why can't my partner love me the way I
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  really need to be loved? Well, in this podcast today
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  we're going to discuss the five ways relational trauma impacts
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  your current relationship. We're going to talk about why
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  trauma may be blocking you from having the kind of relationship
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  that you really desire. Welcome to trauma free
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  relationship. I'm your host, Tom Phil, and
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  I've been working for years with adults who struggle with
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  relational trauma to regain trust in themselves and others
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  so that they can experience a safe and secure relationship.
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  Let's get started, OK? As I mentioned at the opening,
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  we're going to talk about the ways that trauma may be blocking
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  or preventing you from having the kind of relationship you
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  really want to have, from being able to get the kind of love and
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  be loved in a way that really feels safe and secure to you.
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  This is really important, I think, because a lot of people
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  don't really realize how trauma may be blocking them from having
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  the kind of relationship they want.
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  I see this a lot with couples. Couples come in, they most often
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  talk about, I want to be able to communicate better.
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  And so that's usually at the top of their list of their goals.
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  We want to be able to communicate better.
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  When they say that, they're not necessarily saying, oh, you
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  know, the words we're saying to each other are getting in our
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  way, but rather it's some sort of emotional communication that
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  it doesn't feel like we're on the same page.
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  It doesn't seem feel like we're synced up or that we're really
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  able to sort of gel in the way we want to.
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  And so there's a block here. And often times when you dig a
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  little bit below the surface, you can see, at least as a
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  therapist, where past relational trauma may be coming up,
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  bubbling up in the relationship and actually preventing them
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  from being able to have the kind of relationship they really
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  desire. I see this with individuals as
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  well. They come in, they want to talk
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  about their partner and why their partners not loving them
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  the way that feels good to them. And what they often end up
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  discovering is that, oh, there are some things that are coming
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  up for them that are preventing them from being able to receive
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  or take in or even choose the kind of partner that gives them
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  love and care and support and nurturance the way that feels
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  really good to them. So I think this is really an
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  important topic because I find that a lot of people don't often
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  even recognize ways that trauma may be blocking or spilling into
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  their current relationship. So we're going to lay out five
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  ways that relational trauma impacts your current
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  relationship. Let's dig in.
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  The very first one is difficult. Trusting yourself and others.
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  Now, this is huge because one of the things that relational
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  trauma steals from us, robs from us, limits us, is it breaks down
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  the foundation of trust not only in our relationships, but
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  certainly even within ourselves. So when we have past betrayal,
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  neglect, emotional unavailability from a partner or
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  caretakers, then it makes it really hard to feel safe opening
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  up because we naturally also build protections around that
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  past hurt or wound or trauma. And so as a result, we, we
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  question other people's motives and, and intentions at times,
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  and we begin to also question our own feelings and our own
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  needs. And so we can fall into shame
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  spirals for feeling broken or unlovable, or maybe we feel like
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  we're too much these core beliefs that we've now come to
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  because of our past relational trauma, they tend to limit and
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  block us from being able to trust others.
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  And, and as I said, even ourselves, often times when we
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  get so overwhelmed with emotions, we get triggered in
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  some way. What often happens for us is we
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  want to project that onto others.
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  We want to externalize that. But in many ways, it's also a
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  signal to us that something seriously wrong, that that alarm
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  bells are going off inside of us.
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  And it prevents us from feeling safe and grounded in our own
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  body in order to make clear decisions about what's happening
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  for us and what our next move is or what we need to do in those
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  moments. Instead, what happens is we
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  automatically go into our protective state and it's
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  unconscious. Our protection jumps up and
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  says, I don't worry about it. I know what to do.
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  I, I'll take it from here, thank you very much.
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  And it immediately takes over. And so we end up blocking
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  ourselves from being able to take in any kinds of of
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  relational experiences that actually would help us heal,
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  that actually would feel good to us.
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  So being able to trust yourself and to trust, trust others to
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  feel safe in your own skin, to not have that constant alarm
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  bell or to constantly be so vigilant about other people's
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  moves and words and feelings so that you're trying to prevent
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  any sort of hurt or pain that that you might have coming at
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  you from somebody else. That's really an important step.
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  And that is one of the things that trauma robs from us is the
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  ability to trust ourselves and to begin to trust others.
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  OK #2 emotional dysregulation and conflict cycles.
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  Now, this is something I've actually talked a lot about on
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  this podcast because it's so prevalent in relationships.
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  When relational trauma impacts the nervous system, it makes it
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  harder to regulate emotions during conflict.
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  And what actually happens through trauma is our ability to
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  stay within what we call the window of tolerance, staying
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  within these boundaries, if you will, where we stay calm, you
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  know, have clarity, we stay connected with ourselves and
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  others. That ability actually shrinks
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  that that part of ourselves where we can stay calm, clear,
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  competent, capable, so on and so forth.
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  Our sort of true self, if you will, the ability to access that
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  part of us shrinks and gets smaller.
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  And So what that means is that we're more likely to get
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  triggered and pop out of the window of tolerance.
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  And of course, there's four ways we typically do that.
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  We do it with fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
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  And so our nervous system is more sensitive and as a result,
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  it can dysregulate more quickly and more often.
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  And I, I often say a really good sign of post traumatic growth is
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  when your triggers become less often, less intense and less
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  severe. And so you don't get triggered
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  as often when you do they, they are not as intense as they used
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  to be and you are able to recover more quickly from those
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  triggers. They don't last as long when you
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  do have them. And that's a really good sign of
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  some post traumatic growth often times because you know what your
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  triggers are, you've learned more and you've also gained the
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  tools to be able to self soothe when you do get triggered so you
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  can recover faster and you're able to get back to and access
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  that part of you that stays within the window.
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  So one of the things that that often past relational trauma can
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  do to disrupt our current relationships is because we have
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  the ability to get triggered and then pop out of the window of
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  tolerance. And this of course means that we
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  tend to get into more conflict cycles as well.
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  So because we dysregulate more, it comes across in our tone, it
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  comes across in our facial expressions, our body postures,
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  and as a result, it triggers our partners defenses.
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  So these conflict cycles are are simply two partners that are
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  trying to connect through their protection.
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  And that's almost impossible to do.
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  You really Only Connect through your vulnerability.
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  So trying to connect through your protection doesn't work.
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  And the only way to get out of that cycle, to interrupt it
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  consistently is to get yourself back into the window of
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  tolerance so that you can access that part of you that can
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  actually integrate information that can be open to what your
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  partner's saying, that can hear fully what your partner's saying
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  and, and be able to understand that at a deeper level to see
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  your partner. And most importantly, that your
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  partner can truly see you, see your heart, see your intentions
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  and motivations and perspectives behind what you're
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  communicating. OK #3 unhealthy attachment
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  patterns. As I said before, when we get
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  triggered, then naturally what happens is our protection comes
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  up. And our protection, when it's
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  there long enough, can create consistent patterns, not only
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  inside our self, but certainly in our relationship.
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  But it creates these consistent patterns in the way we respond
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  to our partners. And so trauma often wires people
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  into repeating familiar but unsafe dynamics.
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  And so especially when we have attachment trauma, trauma from
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  when we were very young, what we've learned to do is to adapt
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  to that. And so these coping strategies
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  we use become relational patterns that we use in our
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  relationship. And we tend to lean into the old
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  adaptive patterns, and I'm speaking here specifically of
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  anxious, avoidant and disorganized styles.
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  And we tend to lean into those old patterns in part because it
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  feels familiar to us, but it's also in part because what our
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  body knows. And so when we get triggered in
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  our relationship, we automatically default to these
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  patterns. Think about attachment patterns
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  as like Microsoft Windows sort of running in the background,
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  right? Whatever, whatever program we
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  might be working in, whether it's Word or Excel or whatever,
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  you know, in the in the background is this this default
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  program. And that's kind of what our
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  attachment patterns are. They're going to revert to this
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  default program when it feels a sense of emotional
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  disconnection, when it feels a sense of danger or threat in the
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  present, real or perceived. And I say that because one of
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  the hallmarks of trauma is when we feel danger in the presence,
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  in the present moment, but we're not actually in danger.
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  And yet it feels dangerous to our body, and our body begins to
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  respond to that danger. And so our body just immediately
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  goes into then these types of attachment patterns because
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  that's what it knows. Even though it creates an
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  unhealthy dynamic for us, that is what it knows.
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  OK, how about #4 #4 fear of abandonment and rejection.
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  And I would say exaggerated fears of abandonment and
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  rejection. Everybody fears being abandoned
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  and rejection. Everybody.
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  Nobody wants to be rejected by the person that means the most
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  to them in the world. But often times what happens is
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  past relational trauma creates an exaggeration of this fear and
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  a hyper vigilance of this fear. And so people with past trauma,
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  they often carry these deep fears of being left rejected,
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  replaced. And these often times can come
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  from these core beliefs about themselves and about others that
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  was created through the original trauma.
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  And so when we start to act on these exaggerated fears of being
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  abandoned or rejected, then what happens is they become a little
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  bit like self fulfilling prophecies.
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  And there's an old saying, what we resist persists.
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  And and So what happens is we actually bring about the very
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  thing we're trying to avoid in the 1st place, right?
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  We go back to these attachment patterns.
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  We sense our partners doing something to reject us.
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  Maybe they want to go out with a good friend and catch up with a
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  good friend they haven't seen in years.
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  All of a sudden that hits US in a way where it makes us feel
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  rejected, even though we're fine with the other friend.
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  We know the other friend. There's it's not a jealousy
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  issue, but it's our partner asked to do this by themselves.
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  They're not including us or just even they were just, you know,
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  thoughtless about trying to include us.
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  And that feels rejecting to us. And So what do we do?
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  Our partner comes home, they're really excited.
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  They want to tell us about how they caught up with their good
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  friend, but we feel rejected. So we begin to shut down.
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  We act uninterested. We begin to do other things and
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  not really give them our full attention.
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  All of a sudden they get upset. They don't know why they're
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  feeling rejected. And so they begin to go away.
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  Maybe they just go to bed for the night and they leave us
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  alone. And our our head is spinning
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  with all this anxiety. And then the part of us says,
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  see, I knew it. We were, we were being rejected.
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  This is what happens to me over and over.
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  And I'm not saying or trying to place blame that this is all on
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  you because I certainly understand that there's a
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  dynamic that happens there. But I think from this example,
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  you get the idea that very often through our exaggerated fears,
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  we can actually bring about the very thing we're trying to avoid
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  in the first place. And so these exaggerated fears,
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  they can show up as clinginess, as I said, hyper vigilant about
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  our partners moods or certainly just doubt because maybe we
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  don't trust our partner and we're not able to really hear
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  beyond what we sense is them rejecting us or abandoning us in
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  the moment. So certainly I see this coming
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  up a lot and and a lot of it is our ability to project our fears
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  onto our partner. When we project something, all
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  we're doing is taking our fears and we're placing it on to
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  somebody else and acting as if that is true for them, that that
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  somehow is their intentions and motivations.
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  When what really is happening in that process is that we are
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  actually projecting our fears. We're taking our fears and
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  placing them on somebody else. And we have to be able to tease
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  that apart. We have to be able to look at
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  that and go, OK, how much of this is me?
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  How much of this is my past relational trauma exaggerating
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  my fear in this moment getting the better of me?
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  And how much is, is this is actually my partner's purpose or
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  intentions towards me? And that can be really difficult
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  to separate or tease apart in the moment.
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  And that's why trauma can impact our current relationships.
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  OK, the last, and I kind of want to say most important because I
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  talk about it so much. So maybe it's not the most
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  important, but certainly I just think it's so crucial because
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  what I see and often times one of the most significant ways I
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  can determine if trauma is impacting a current relationship
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  or a current current problem that a couples having is when
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  they don't or aren't able to make repairs to their
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  disruptions in the relationship. And so this shows up a lot of
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  different ways, but one of the ways I say this to to couples
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  and even individuals, I'm saying is when you have a disruption in
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  your relationship, when you have an an argument, a disagreement,
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  when you guys just kind of, you know, go back and forth at each
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  other a little bit squabble, whatever that may be, you know,
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  do you come back and talk that through?
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  Do you come back and talk about what happened, how it impacted
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  the relationship, dig deeper to understand each person's
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  perspective and then upgrade an update that information about
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  your partner into your relationship?
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  Do does that process happen? More often than not?
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  What I hear is, no, we don't repair ruptures when they
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  happen. And what I see a lot is that
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  couples find ways to get back to OK, they find ways to repair,
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  but it's never because they're able to talk through it and work
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  through it and can reach some kind of understanding.
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  It's because they've learned other ways to make repairs.
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  They might go and have sex. And so a lot of couples, that's
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  one of the things they do really, really well is they are
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  actually great and having sex together.
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  And so they have some kind of disruption and then maybe a day
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  later they're in bed and they have sex.
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  And this is how they make a repair.
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  This is how they get back to OK. Or maybe for other couples, they
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  just sweep, sweep it under the rug.
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  Pretty soon one partner softens, they begin to talk to the other
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  partner. It breaks the ice.
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  Now we're kind of talking again. And we and both partners know
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  that, OK, pretty soon this will just be, you know, glossed over
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  and we'll be fine. We'll be back to normal.
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  But nothing was ever resolved. And so it depends on on on what
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  kind of a couple you are in that regard.
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  But I've seen some couples go for days, sometimes weeks with
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  these disruptions and they, they don't talk and it persists for a
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  long time before they get back to OK.
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  And I've seen couples that that really work at this.
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  And when they work through the impact their trauma is having on
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  the relationship, then what they're able to do is, is make
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  this loop, this process, if you will, much, much shorter.
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  And so they're able to start to understand how to use empathy
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  and validation, how to be able to sit down and manage the
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  emotions between them so they don't go right back into
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  dysregulated emotions. So they can actually have the
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  conversation they need to be having.
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  And they really begin to understand the impact they have
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  to the relationship. So that over time, what happens
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  is they actually stay connected longer.
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  They have fewer disruptions. And when they do, the
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  disruptions don't last as long. They can come back and make
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  those repairs much quicker. And so this is a thing that I
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  have seen that's really important, much like I told you
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  earlier post. Traumatic growth is
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  understanding that your triggers no longer are as often as severe
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  or as persistent. The same way here, that these
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  disruptions and their abilities to repair in their relationships
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  don't last as long. They soften, they reach out,
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  they swallow their pride. They sit down and say, you know,
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  I thought about what you were saying.
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  I think I see it different now. Can we talk about that?
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  Or, you know, I don't like that interaction we have.
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  Can we sit down and talk about it?
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  I'm not, I'm not attacking you. I don't.
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  I want this to be different. And so I want to come from a
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  different emotional place myself.
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  But I really want us to be able to try to understand what
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  happened or any other kinds of phrases or words or moves that
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  they have to be able to make those repairs because that's
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  really, really crucial to be able to do that.
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  And it is a good sign of post traumatic growth in yourself and
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  in your relationship. Hey, I want to thank you so much
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  for listening. I hope you got some value out of
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  this. And my name is Tom Philp, and I
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  am here to remind you to stay grounded, clear and connected.