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Learning to Forgive Family · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Good Monday every one on this day before Independence Day here in the United States.
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  Last time last week we address sibling rivalries, a common theme in the
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  Bible and a concern we should have for our own homes. Today, sibling
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  rivalries was Thursday's theme in APG nineteen fifty four was the episode number, and
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  today we look at forgiving family members. The question is from a listener to
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  the podcast, a young man who lives in Brazil. He writes this,
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  Hello, Pastor John, thank you for this podcast, which has been a
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  huge resource God has used in my own sanctification. My question for you is
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  this, My family struggles to forgive each other, and it's been this way
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  for years. They argue along the line that even Jesus was harsh with his
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  enemies, So why should I forgive my enemies? How would you answer them?
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  In dealing with hurt in the past. What is the difference between Jesus
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  dealing with his enemies like the Pharisees contrasted with what God expects from us in
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  dealing with our own family members who have sinned against us. This is utterly
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  crucial. It's a matter of life and death, and I mean eternal life
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  and death. As we will see in just a moment. So I take
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  this question really seriously, and I hope this family will take the issue seriously.
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  Also. First, let's clarify what forgiveness is and isn't. That's a
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  huge stumbling block for a lot of people when they start arguing about whether they
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  should forgive or not, that they don't pause to define what it is and
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  isn't. So let's do that. Number One, forgiveness is not thinking or
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  saying or acting as though no great wrong was done. A great wrong may
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  will have been done against you. Number two forgiveness is not re establishing a
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  wonderful relationship. In Romans twelve eighteen, Paul said, if possible, so
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  far as it depends on you live peaceably withal, it may not be possible.
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  He also said in Colossians three thirteen, bear with one another, and
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  if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other. Now bearing with
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  one another means literally endure one another, forbear one another. In other words,
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  there will be frustrating, annoying, even hurtful things about others that no
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  amount of forgiveness will fix, and they must be endured. We must bear
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  with them. You'll see why in a minute. Third, forgiveness does not
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  mean that trust is immediately restored. This is crucial. So many think that
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  to forgive is to restore trust, to give trust to someone who has betrayed
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  you, But that assumes that the person has reformed and does not have those
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  same untrustworthy patterns of life that made them do wrong. But in fact they
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  may be worse. They may be worse, not better. Forgiveness may lead
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  to new and deeper trust, it may not. Number four, Forgiveness can
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  be real even if the other person does not accept it or want it.
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  They may not think they did anything wrong. That's just a huge problem in
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  marriage. For example, you want to forgive and they don't think they've wronged
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  you. In those cases, the full transaction of repentance and forgiveness is not
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  possible. But a forgiving spirit is still possible. And if that is all
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  we can give because they don't want our forgiveness, then the Lord counts that
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  that forgiving spirit as our forgiveness. We've done it, We've done what we
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  can do. We have shown that we are a forgiving person. You can
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  love your enemy even while he remains your enemy, if he chooses so.
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  Then if that's what forgiveness is not. What is it? Forgiveness is wanting
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  the good, not the ruin, of the one who wronged you, in
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  spite of the wrong, and then acting for their good. You won't let
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  the wrong strangle your love. You won't let their sin make you sin.
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  You will lay it down and pray for their good and work for it.
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  Okay, With those clarifications in mind, why do I say forgiveness is so
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  crucial? Number One, you, as a Christian have been forgiven an offense
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  that is millions of times greater against God than any human has offended or sinned
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  against you. The Pesians four thirty two says, be kind to one another,
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  tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God Ian Christ forgave you. The outrage
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  of the way you have treated God in your sin and unbelief was so great
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  it cost God the of his only divine son to forgive you. In other
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  words, your debt was infinite. Nobody who has wronged you has ever come
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  close to wronging you as badly as you have wronged God. And yet we
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  are forgiven. You and I Christian are forgiven. What would it mean if
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  we refuse to forgive? Here's what it would mean. It would mean we
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  think God is a fool to forgive us. He's acting like a fool,
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  because I'm not going to act like that. I'm not going to be stupid
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  and foolish like that. So God must be foolish to forgive me since I'm
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  not going to forgive. That's pretty serious. Let that sink in. That's
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  very serious to think God's a fool or act like he's a fool. Number
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  two, our friend in Brazil says that his unforgiving relatives say, even Jesus
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  was harsh with his enemies, why should I forgive my enemies? One answer
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  is because Jesus forgave his enemies hanging on the cross to purchase our forgiveness.
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  He said, Father, forgive them. They know that what they do.
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  Of course, he was harsh with the Pharisees and scribes good grief, And
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  the reason he was harsh with them is because they were so unforgiving. But
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  while being harsh, he was on his way to die for them if they
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  would only trust him. So Jesus forgave his enemies. Number Three, Jesus
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  said, if we don't forgive, we won't be forgiven. Matthew six fourteen.
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  If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly father also will forgive you.
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  If you don't forgive others their trespasses, neither will your father forgive you
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  your trespasses. And then he told a parable to emphasize this shocking reality.
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  The king forgave a slave who owed him zillions. And that's a pretty good
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  translation because because the amount is like twenty thousand years wages, I mean,
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  it is supposed to sound like zillions. They owed him zillions of dollars.
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  Then the slave went out and wrung the neck of a fellow slave who owed
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  him ten dollars. And the king said, throw him in prison till he
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  pays everything, which means forever. Why because in relationship with God, forgiveness
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  must go both ways. God gives and we receive. That slave did not
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  receive the kings for giveness. He despised it, he mocked it, he
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  scorned it, he trembled it in the dirt. When you won't forgive someone
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  else their debt while claiming to love the God who forgave yours, it's just
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  pure hypocrisy. You're acting like God was a fool for forgiving you and so
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  if you keep on thinking God is a fool, you will perish and not
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  be forgiven. Number four, When forgiveness seems hard, think about the reward.
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  That's what Jesus said in Matthew twelve. Blessed are you when others revile
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  you and persecute you, and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on
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  my account, Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven.
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  So when the hurt you have received seems so great you can't voice and
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  forgive, Jesus says, remember your reward. Remember your reward. It will
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  be very great. One more suggestion from Romans twelve, nineteen and twenty.
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  One of the reasons we stumble over the command to forgive those who've hurt us
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  is the sense that if we don't punish them in some way, they're going
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  to get away with a great wrong. They cannot get away with a real
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  injustice. So there's a sense in which our very proper love for justice makes
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  us hesitant to let the offense or the hurt go, just let it go.
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  We feel that if we let it go, justice will simply not be
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  done, and that would be wrong. So we justify our vengeance. But
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  the problem with that way of thinking is that God has told us precisely that
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  justice will be done and that he will do it. He will do it
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  far better than we could ever do it. And here's what he says in
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  Romans twelve, Beloved, never avenge yourselves. Leave it to the wrath of
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  God. Now that leaving to God to deal with it is part of what
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  goes into forgiveness. You leave it for it is written vengeance's mind. I
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  will repay. Justice will be done to the country. If your enemies hungry,
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  feede him, if he's thirsty, give him something to drink, for
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  by so doing you will keep burning coals on his head. Do not be
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  overcome by evil. Overcome evil with good. Now, the amazing thing about
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  this promise I will repay is that it is true. For all the wrongs
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  unbelievers do against us and all the wrong believers do against us. If a
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  person wrongs us and never turns to Christ and remains an unbeliever till they die,
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  they will go to Hell, and all the wrongs that they have ever
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  done will be duly repaid, indeed repaid more terribly than anything we could ever
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  do here. So we don't need to do it. We don't need payback.
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  If the person who wrongs us is a true Christian or becomes a Christian
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  in their lifetime having wronged us, if they trust Christ, then the wrong
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  that they did to us, with all their other sins, was punished in
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  the suffering of Christ. Christ bore the punishment for the sins they committed against
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  us. Let me say that sentence again because I just think it would have
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  such a vast impact on the way we treat each other. Christ bore the
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  punishment for the sins that they committed against us. Think what that means if
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  we are unwilling to forgive their wrong against us. It means we are acting
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  as if the sufferings of Christ were not enough. We are making light of
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  the horrors He endured to bear the guilt of that wrong committed against us.
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  We do not want to be found in that horrible attitude. We don't.
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  That's a dangerous attitude to think that Christ's sufferings are inadequate. So, dear
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  friend in Brazil, I will pray for your family and for you that they
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  would see the serious us of what mistake in not forgiving, and that you
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  would seek to be a beautiful example to them of what forgiveness looks like.
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  I will. I will pray for you. I hope you will for me
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  as well. Thank you, Pastor John. And if forgiving others is a
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  big hurdle in your life, especially if a family member has sinned against you
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  but refuses to repent of that sin against you, see also an episode titled
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  the Major Obstacle in Forgiving Others Major Obstacle in Forgiving Others. That's APJ seven
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  one seven ABJ seven seventeen, a key episode. Thank you for joining us
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  today. If you want to ask Pastor John, email us your question go
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  to our online home at ask pastor John dot com. Well what does it
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  mean to serve God? And when we do serve God, what do we
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  give him? Two exceptionally important questions that we need to ask an answer coming
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  up in the week ahead of us. I'm your host, Tony RANKI have
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  a wonderful Independence Day tomorrow and we will see you again on Thursday.