Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 171 - Zach W

Transcript

Recovery Chronicles Ep. 171 - Zach W · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Recovery Chronicles, where we dive deep into
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: the inspiring journeys of individuals who have triumphed over adversity
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: and found folk healing and resilience on the path to
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: recovery from drunks and alcohol. We'll sit down with people
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: who have embrace changed and emerged stronger than ever. Get
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: ready to be uplifted, motivated, and empowered as we embark
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: on a journey of healing, growth, and possibilities. Welcome back
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: to the Recovery Chronicles. Today, we have Zach here to
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: share his story with us. Thanks for being here today.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thanks for asking me, of course.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: So how long have you been sober? And what is
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: your drug of choice?
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: So my sobriety dated is January fifteenth, twenty twenty three,
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: So I'm twenty two months, coming up on a year
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: here in a couple of months, and my drug choice
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: is alcohol.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Okay cool? What was your childhood like?
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: So? I was born and raised in Fargo. I lived
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: there for a good chunk of my life. But yeah,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I grew up, I had I have an older brother,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: I have a younger brother, so I'm middle one. My
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: parents they got divorced when I was in fifth grade.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: But I don't know how to put it. It was a
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: good divorce. You know, they're very we like we as
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: long as we were good, it was good. So I
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: didn't have to go through that very difficult divorce of
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: fighting and stuff like that. And you know, if we
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: need a pair of basketball shoes for basketball, they would
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: split it down the middle and it was fifty to fifty.
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: So it was a typical childhood. You know, we were
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: all in sports, we had friends, we'd go to the lakes,
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: spend a lot of time with family, and uh, yeah,
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: that's pretty much it.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Did you live with mom or dad or both both.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: So it was like a week with my dad, a
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: week with my mom.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: And that didn't feel complicated, no.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: No, And you know, I was in fifth grade, so
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: I remember in my head when it happened, like we
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: were sad. But then I was in my head, I
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: was like two Christmases, you know, sure, yeah, but obviously
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: it was more than that. But yeah, it was still
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: like I couldn't tell that there was an issue.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Sure, So how old were you when you started drinking
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: or using drugs?
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: My first drink I was sixteen. I was a sophomore
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: in high school. I remember, And let's first get to
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: I guess, so, like I didn't drink at like earlier
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: ages because so my older brother when I was growing up,
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: he was I don't know how to put up the
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: troublemaker of the family, black sheeta something like that, but
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: like he was always getting in trouble, doing drugs, doing
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: alcohol and kind of like doing the bad thing. And
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: so I saw that at early age. Sure, basically I
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: was like, don't do what he did.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Okay, how much older.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: He's two years older than me.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Okay, so not a ton but no.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: But I just remember, like I saw what that did
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: at an early age, and I knew that was bad.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: So especially the drugs part. I never have never touched
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: any hard drugs or how you want to call it.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: But and so I remember it was like my sophomore
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: year and then people were partying and doing all that
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: kind of thing, and I had sports to worry about.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: So I remember I was like, you know, I'll go
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: to this party. So I went, and I think I
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: just cracked a can of coke and then I put
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: a little bit of alcohol in there and I had
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: a sip, and then I was like this tastes bad.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: And that was my first experience. I didn't have this
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: huge aha moment where I was like, oh, I finally
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: you know, I made it. Hearing a lot of other
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: people's stories, I was like, Okay, now let's go home.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: So I don't get in trouble, I don't get banned
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: from sports. You know. That was my main thing.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So it wasn't like a key all from the beginning. No,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: it's just kind of that. No, it was average thing.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Sure, and then kind of throughout high school, like
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: you know, then my junior year comes and I do
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: it a little bit more, still not a whole lot,
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: and I'm definitely more concerned about if I did get caught,
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: I'm in trouble with school, with sports, with my family
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: type thing. And then my senior year came, and then
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: you're the senior of high school, you know, so then
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: you know where all the good parties are at and
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: all that. But I'd always be very careful about it,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: and so I never really had any issues in high school. Sure,
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: and then from there on out. I remember it was
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: my senior year and everyone's picking their school to go to,
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: what they're going to do, and I had no idea
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: what I wanted to do. The biggest thing I had
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: in my mind. I wanted to go play baseball somewhere.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: And I had some friends that are in the grade
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: above me. They went to this college in Rochester, Minnesota,
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: and they're on the baseball team and they're like, hey,
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: you should come here. So I was like, that sounds fun,
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: and so I applied there. The coach came out and
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: I signed the letter of intent one of my last
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: home games for high school, and yeah, that's where I went.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: wanted to keep playing sports, sure, and so like that
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: summer before college, I remember it was okay, now I
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: don't have high school sports to get in my way,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: so you just partied. I still did my summer baseball thing, and.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Like weekends, every day.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: Weekends, like during the day, I definitely had like, you know,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I had to go work out. I had to most
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: some lawns. I had to, you know, do that kind
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: of thing. I had still had baseball going on.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: So were you getting drunk, Yeah.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I was getting drunk. But once again,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: it was still like, you know, I knew my limits.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: I see other people getting sloppy drunk. I'm like, they
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: have a problem. Then once I get to college, though,
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: is where I could really tell change in the way
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I perceived drinking and what I really think it is.
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: You know, I always see it as this huge social
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: thing and that's what adults do. But then in college
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: my freshman year, instead of going to a dorm or
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: you know, like an apartment, I go to the only
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: college party house that they had with all the baseball guys.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Sure like a frat.
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, it wasn't a frat, but like you know,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: it was the one house that we had on campus
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: that we had parties at. Okay, And so that was
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: my first I lived with like my friends. They said, hey,
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: you can come here and we have one more spot
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: in our house. And I'm like, okay, sweet, good to me.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: You know, sounds like a great time. So that's what
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: I did, and yeah, we partied it up.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: So now was this more daily weekends?
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah? But I mean once again, like you're in college
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: and it's like, you know, you find every excuse in
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: the book to drink. And then I remember too though,
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: like like looking at back at it now, but definitely
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: not at the time, But you know, you split a
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: case with your buddy and you just get twelve, but like,
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: once we get the case, I'm I'll hide four in
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: my drawers so then i can have those throughout the
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: week on my own time. You know. Okay, But at
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: the time, I'm just thinking of like I'm money smart
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: and I'm saving money and you know, but at that time,
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: like that's a huge red flag hiding I'm not telling them,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: hiding these beers, you know. Yeah, And also like pot
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: was a big thing too. And I also remember too,
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: one of my buddies he was prescribed adderall and I
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: never knew really what adderall was, but he's like, hey,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: if you got a bunch of homework to do, take
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: some of this. So that's what I did. Sure, I
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: would take that every now and then.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, what's every now and then?
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: I'd say every couple of weeks when I'd procrastinate all
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: my homework and it was time to get her done,
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, hey, how's it going. You got one
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: of those pills, so I can do some homework, And
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: I'd pull all nighter and get my stuff done.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Sure, you said you weren't really sure, like what direction
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: you were taking in college. So were you just doing
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: general stuff or was it you were just kind of
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: flying by the senior pants and winging.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: It a little bit of both. I remember I started.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: I think it was in business because my dad he
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: does kind of business stuff. So I was like, well,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: just I'll go with business, you know. And then but
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: throughout my college career, I changed my major handful of times,
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: and one time I wanted to be an elementary teacher
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: so I could coach sports, okay, and you know, so
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: it's basically just like what did I feel that semester
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: that I wanted to do, you know? And then so yeah,
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: that year, we partied, We did the thing, and in
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: a sense, I feel like I kind of made it.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: I finally made it to the adult stage and I
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: can drink and be cool and no consequences, no dui,
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: no minor, no nothing. There's definitely a lot of close
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: calls where I ran from the party and I didn't
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: get a minor, but you know, at that point, no
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: consequences at all.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so you didn't really see a problem. No, And
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: did you stay there over the summer? Did you come back?
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: No? I came back because I actually coached our summer
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: baseball team that summer too. But in that summer when
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: I came back, it was, you know, definitely a party
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: time because all of our coaches out after the games
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: and we'd drink, and for the most part, all of
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: us were under twenty one. And yeah, I'd still have
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: a couple of incidences I would, you know, I'd black
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: out one night and I'd get told what I did,
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, h that happens to the best of us,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: you know, And so there's really no reliance on it,
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: but it's definitely when the opportunity to rises, I'm for it.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: And then yeah, so after that summer too, I go
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: back to college because it's a two year college, a
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: junior college, and I go back and it's my sophomore year,
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: and it's kind of like I'm running the show now,
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: and like that was my mindset. But this time, we
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: didn't get the house, me and my other buddy. We
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: just got like a duplex, so it's just me and
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: him in it. And I just remember, like, I don't know,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: I felt like a lot of things were starting to
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: crash down on me, Like I didn't know what I
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: was going to do after this two years and that
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: always ate me up. School was really kicking my butt,
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: and one time I was in my car and I
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: just finally broke down. I was in tears to my
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: mom and I was just like, I don't know what's
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: going on inside me, but I can't control it. And
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: this is when she first said, hey, well, you know,
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: anxiety depression kinds in her family. So that's when I
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: ended up. I'm going in and getting my first prescription
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: anxiety mets. And so I remember, like I tried that
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: and it worked. But I remember also though, the one
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: thing I really that really helped me when I was
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: feeling down, feeling bad was drinking. But at the time too,
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: I'm young and I can bounce back like nothing. So
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: once again there's still really no consequences. Sure, and so yeah,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: that year goes by. Everything's great. Yeah, it was a
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: great time. You know, I definitely wish I would have
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: taken school more seriously or I'm not focused on the
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: partying or baseball part. But it's something i'll never you know,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: regret and always glad I did it. But then, so
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: after those two years, I didn't have a plan. I
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: was thinking in my head I'd go play baseball somewhere else.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: But at this point, I'm really just I don't know
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: how to say, but I'm homesick, especially a lot in Rochester.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: It's five hours away, right, so like I'd be coming
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: back every other weekend to see my family and all that.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: So I decided to come back to Fargo. I got
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: an apartment with two of my good, really good buddies
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: from high school, and I went to MSUM and Morehead
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: and I went there and that's when I changed it
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: actually to elementary and my major, because I wanted to
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: do that and then coach high school sports kind of thing.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: But I didn't even make you I love kids.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, I was going to say, by the shot in
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: the dark of you don't want kids. No, well that's good, Okay,
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: so that makes sense.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Sure, Yeah, my family's always said that I'm really good
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: with kids, and so yeah, you know, I really thought
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: that I was, like, this is my calling. But also
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: that first semester there though, was when I turned twenty one.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: And then obviously twenty one is when you can buy
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: your own booze and you own parties and you can
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: do all that thing. So I remember, you know, I
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: was good for a month. But then I was also
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: on like their club baseball team. But then as soon
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: as I hit twenty one, I don't think I went
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: to class like once. After that, I was just like, oh,
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: every excuse in the book. And I remember I was
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: just like freaking out at the end of the semester, like, oh,
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: I need to sign up for classes. And my advisor
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: at the time goes, just take a semester off, and
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: I'm like, what do you mean. I'm like, I'm ready
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: for school and he's like, no, you're not. And I'm
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: glad he did, or else I would have wasted more
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: money and time there.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: And so yeah, I turned twenty one. It's that's when
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: I really made it, you know, quote unquote or whatever
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: you want to say.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: And did you have jobs throughout all of this?
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah? And I had some jobs, like I worked I
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: don't know for like a grocery store, and then did
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: some coaching that kind of thing. But also once I
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: took that break from from school me because I needed
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: to pay rent, I need to pay for booze and
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: need to pay for food. I had a family friend
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: and she's like, hey, I have a buddy of mine
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: and he does tiling and flooring construction, and me, I've
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: never picked up a hammer in my life. I don't
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: know anything about that. But I was like, well, sure,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: you know, it's a career path. I could see what happens.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: And I started doing that. And as soon as I started,
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: after a couple of months and I got comfortable with it,
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: school got so much farther away, and I was like,
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: I'm good here. I can make a career out of it.
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: And also in construction, it's okay to have a beer
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: at lunch or something, or if you smoke some weed,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: it's not like frowned upon. So yeah, I did that,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: and it was my cure all so I didn't have
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: to go back to school.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Did you notice, like at twenty one, did your drinking
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: increase then? Oh yeah, just like how much you were
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: drinking per city or because you kind of said you
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: were already drinking every day when you were in college,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: but now it's more easily accessible, so you're drinking more.
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, every day, And yeah, I guess too. So at
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: that point, when I'm living with my two buddies and
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: I turned twenty one, and I shared a room with
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: one of them and the other guy had his own room,
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: but I'd always sleep on the couch because they go
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: to bed, and I just I couldn't go to sleep,
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: I remember. And that's where I found out too, that
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: booze helps me sleep, you know, not actually sleep, but
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: it helps me pass out so I can get some
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: shut eye. And so like, looking back, like I said,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: you could see those habits with the dependency dipression. But
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: at the time, I'm like, I just I need to
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: get some sleep, so I'll just chug a couple of bulls,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: you know. Sure, And how I didn't realize that that
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: was a problem at the time, I don't know. Maybe
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: I just didn't want to see it.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: Sure, And where you're taking the anxiety medication and drinking.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: Yep, okay, yeah, and that's not a good mix.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that can be dangerous, right for sure? So are
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: you okay? So twenty one? So how old are you now?
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: I'm thirty. I'm thirty, okay.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: So what happens after this?
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: So after this, I ended up moving out of that
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: place too, and then I get another I end up
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: living with my another good buddy and another good buddy.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: They had a house together, so I had lived in
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: their basement and you know, I've had a girlfriend here
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: and there throughout the time too. And another big thing
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: that happened is me and my first girlfriend when I
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: was twenty one, we had a tough We had a
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: pregnancy just come up, and we ended up getting an abortion.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: But at the time, like I didn't know, and so
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: I just agreed with it and said, yeah, but I
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: remember everything that happened, and like the only way I
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: dealt with that was drinking. Yeah, well, she's going through
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: all this pain, all this stuff I'm covering up by
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: drinking and hiding and all that stuff. And then also
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: when I moved to this place, I'm still with that
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: old girlfriend, and then she ends up leaving me and
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: I'm twenty four at the time, and that was kind
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: of really when I kicked it into gear. Sure, I'm
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: definitely hanging out with the bar crowd. I'm hanging out
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: at the bars after work, you know, and it's finding
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: every excuse to drink, even though if I don't go out,
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: I'm still going to drink at home. Right, But it's
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: just like the starting point, Sure of the day.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Did she break up with you because of the drinking?
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that was definitely a big part of it okay,
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: And I could definitely tell that she was more school
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: goal oriented. And I was content where I was because
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: I was still getting money. I was paying my bills.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: I still have money for my booze, you know type things.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: So just different paths, you know. Yeah, and looking back,
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: that's great now, but at the time, I took it
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: as a huge heartache and I use that for me
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: to drink, Yeah, for sure, And I'm trying to think
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: so from there, yeah, I ended up. I was single
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: though for a while, and I just I did the deal.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: I drink, I went to work, I did all this stuff.
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: And then I ended up meeting another girl. And but
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: at this point, like she's her and her family, they're
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: like me. They drink like me, they party like me.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: So in my mind it was perfect, you know, obviously
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: not but and so yeah, I worked together for maybe
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: a year and it's still the drinking and I'm working
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: and doing all that stuff. But then like I slowly
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: start to realize, like I drink a lot more than them.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: Like seven am on a weekend, we're at the lake,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: and I get up and I'm sneaking to the garage
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: to take a pole and like that's not what a
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: normal person does, you know. But I'm still noticing, like
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: the more dependency I need on it. It's more and more.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: So like yeah, and then like at the same time too,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: i'd say, is when I'm I'm working for a different
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: for like another company that me and my buddy started,
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: and we have a company van and so that's what
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I drive, and I'm driving that to work. But I'm
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: getting up early, so i could be at the liquor
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: store at eight and or more more so seven forty five,
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: so I'm the first one in there, sure, and you know,
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: I'll grab a few shooters and I'll go to work,
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: and then by lunchtime, I'm like, I'm out. So lunchtime,
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, I'm gonna take a lunch break, go
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: grab a couple more. And I say I managed that,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: probably not really manage it, but I got away with
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: it for probably like six months, you know. But then
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: just as I've learned, But like the more you drink,
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: the more you need more, would.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: You say the breakup with the girlfriend is kind of
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: where it increased to the point where you started to
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: drink in the mornings too.
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say that, Yeah, just because you know,
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: there's not really that other person to be there to
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: watch me. So it was more of a I needed
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: this every single second sun up to sundown. Sure, I
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: just needed to find a way to manage the amount
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: so I can make it through the day.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: Right, And you're so you're driving the work vehicle under
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: the influence essentially, did you go to the same liquor
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: store every day?
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah for a while, but then when I started walking
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: and they'd be like, hey, e Zac, here you go,
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, okay, that's not good. How you know
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: what I want right away? So you know, I'd go
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: like here twice, and then I go over here twice,
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: and you go back and forth and you think you
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: have it beat or they you know, But I'm like.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: They definitely knew their inanity. Yeah, but I've heard that
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: before of people who are like, well, I go to
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: this liquor store this day, and then this liquor store this,
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: you know, so that they don't know that you're going
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: every day.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's like they deal with this every day,
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: so right, right, and I'm sure that's the least to
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: their worries.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So yeah, I kind of caring from the are, Yeah,
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: I'm drinking.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: You're still in Fargo at this point too, Ye.
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: On Fargo, okay. And so I'm drinking all the time.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: And actually it gets to we go to this job
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: site and me and my my buddy that we own
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: the company or whatever, and he goes, hey, let's run
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: on the gas station. So he hops in the work
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: vehicle and he just reaches down. He's like, what's this
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: and this couple of shooters, you know. I'm like, oh,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: that's that's from softball the night before, you know, and
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: he just kind of like okay, and I'm like, oh god,
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: he bought it, you know. And we get back and
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: we're working. But at this time too, I'm starting to
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: dry heave. I can't hold food down. Yeah, I'm puking.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: So then I come up. I'm like, hey, I'm I'm sick.
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: And it's like the middle of summer, no like hold's
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: going around or anything, you know. And so he says okay,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: And then I go home and I I drink. I
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: pass out, and then I remember waking up and he goes, hey,
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: I'm coming by for the van. It's like, what the van?
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: What are you talking about? You know? He comes and
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: he's like, hey, I don't know what's going on. I'm
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: taking the van. I'll give you a week and then
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: you can come back. Just figure your stuff out. And
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: so I was like, okay, week off, just got paid.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: You know, I'll be good. I'll just learn how to
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: manage it and not drink so much. Sure, that week,
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: I I drink the whole time. You know, I don't
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: think I left other than when I was sober enough
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: to go to the liquor store and I would walk
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: there because I didn't have the vehicle at the time.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Right, Probably the best thing he could have done for you.
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: Oh, the very best thing. Yeah, and looking back and
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: he's an amazing guy, so yeah, but yeah, looking back
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: is the best thing. And there's a lot of things
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: I look back on and I'm like, ah, this person
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: was so mean and all that stuff, but I'm like,
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: it was a blessing in.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: Disguise, right, Absolutely, what in your mind was managing What
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: was going to be managing to you?
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: Managing was if I didn't have the shakes and I
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: wasn't throwing up.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, did you manage to a point?
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: But yeah, So after I got well, after that week,
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: and I I didn't go back, let's put it that way, sure,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: because I was still drinking and all that after I
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: went back, like the drinking got progressively works because then
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: I was like, well, I don't have a car, I
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: don't have money anymore, I don't have this. And so
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: then you go through the stages too, of like the
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: addiction part, and you're looking like, well, I have this
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: old video game system or I have this, and then
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: so I'm going to the pawn shop and selling it.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: I'm selling my childhood Nintendo sixty four for twenty bucks
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: because I don't have anything, you know. But at the time,
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I'll get paid, I'll go buy it back,
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: you know. But at the time, you know, anything I
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: could do to get the alcohol, you know, I'm going
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: to do right, And.
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: You weren't pawning things to pay your rent. You're pawning
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: solely to buy alcohol.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: Yep. In the rent part, it was my friend, So
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: I didn't. I just told him. I was like, oh,
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: I got away till I get a job again here
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: and get back on my feet. And luckily he said okay,
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: but he could have said get out.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: You know, did you ever get a job again or
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: did you get a job again?
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: From that point, no, my drinking kept getting worse. I
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: was peeking up blood. I was delirious, so like I
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: could go into more detail about like after weeks of
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: drinking and just you know, my roommates they start to notice,
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: and so like, Zach, what's up. And I'm like, gods,
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: it's just a tough time, you know, you know, just
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: give him the whole spiel, and they're like okay. And
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: then one time, the owner of the house, my buddy,
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: comes home and I hear him and I'm downstairs and
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: he yells down there. He's like wick so, wick so,
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: and I'm like, you know, like trying to hide. So
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: I hide underneath my bed from him as my room
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: smells like booze and puke and whatever you want to
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: call it. And he comes down and he doesn't he
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: doesn't see anything. So he goes back upstairs, and I
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: remember I just had a little bit of booze left,
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: so I chuged that and then I don't remember anything else.
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: What happened. I found out later what happened was he
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: came back down and he finally found me, and I
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: was passed out. They called the ambulance and I woke
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: up in the hospital. And so I woke up in
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: the hospital in the dark room with an officer outside
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: the door. I was wearing the yellow gown, and so
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: that means like suicidal, h scary, And I wake up
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: and I don't know what's going on. And so finally
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: my family comes in, the doctor comes in, and I'm like,
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: what is going on? Yeah, And they tell me like, hey, Zach,
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: you were passed out. We didn't know if you were
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: alive or anything. So my buddy called the cops or
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: the ambulance, you know, and they came and got me
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: and like, yeah, Zak, and you weren't saying anything good
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: about yourself, like really scary stuff. And I'm like, no,
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: not me. But looking back too, there's been a lot
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: of times where I've been super drunk at a party
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: and people are like, are you okay? Like you said
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: some weird things last night. I'm like, I know what
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: you're talking about. I'm good, you know. But when I
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: drink and I get to that point, I'm not nice
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: to myself. I don't say good things about myself. And
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: so at this point, my family's scared to death. The
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: doctor's like, dude, you're take twenty five at the time,
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: twenty four at the time, and I can just tell
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: like it's not going to be much longer. The psychiatrist
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: comes in and talks to me, and she goes, have
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: you ever thought of treatment? At this point, I don't
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: have a job, I don't have money, I don't have
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: any I don't have a place to go, but have nothing.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: So I said, I don't care, just get me the
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: f out of here. And so they come in. They're like, well,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: this is this treatment place we recommend. There's one in Chicago,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: or there's one in California. And so at this time,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: I'm on my parents insurance stuff, so that's why. And
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: I said, yeah, California obviously.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: And so I've never been on a flight. My mom
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: books me the flight and we go back to that
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: house and I sleep for the night pack and then
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: the next day we're off the California interesting she flew
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: with me to Chicago, I believe is where it was,
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: and then I went from Chicago to lax and I'm withdrawing.
• 25:54
  Speaker 2: I've never experienced not drinking for this long of a time. Yeah,
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: I'm screwed out of my mind. And I pull up
• 26:01
  Speaker 2: to Lax and this treatment place I went to was
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: two hours away from Lax, so they had they ordered
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: an uber for me, and I took an uber two
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: hours there. Interesting during COVID twenty twenty.
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, wow.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: And so I show up and look around. I'm like, okay,
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: here it is. And I walk in there and they're like,
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: all right, well, you better finish your doctor pepper. You
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: can't have that in there. I'm like, what, I can't
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: have my pop there. You can't have caffeine there. Wow.
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: You could have cigarettes, you know, or chew and stuff.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: But I was like, okay, interesting.
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: And so I go there and I sleep in this
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: room and it was like an old hotel like kind
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: of And so I sleep in a room and I
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: have a roommate who's also withdrawing at the time. Yeah,
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: and I've never, like I said, I've never went more
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: than a day without drinking. So like it's coming on hard,
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: Like I'm hearing things, I'm seeing things. I don't know
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: what to do. My anxiety is out the roof. And
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: after those few days, I finally start to feel better,
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: you know. And I'm I'm young at this point, so
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: I really just kind of turn it around. I was like, Okay,
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I'm in treatment. You don't get your phones at all.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: You have to sign up for a phone time once
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: a week.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: And so like I think from their community phone, yep, okay.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: From your landline. Don't get yourself phone.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: How long would you get on the phone.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: Fifteen minutes? Yeah, So so yeah, I'm I said, all right,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I'm in treatment, and the biggest thing in my mind,
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: I don't have to worry about my bills. I can
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: just chill here. I can learn how to drink like
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: a normal person. And so at this time it was COVID,
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: like I said, and it's you're thirty days at this impatient.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: You don't go anywhere, you don't leave that kind of thing,
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: and you do your classes. There's a pool and a
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: hot tub. There a volleyball corps, and they have great food.
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: And you know, I'm like Jesus, a great vacation, you know,
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: in my mind. And you know, I call my parents,
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: how's it going? Oh great? You know, I'm like the
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: new residential leader or something. So I led a group
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: or something, and and I'm like thinking, like I'm in school,
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: you know, and in a sense you are in treatment,
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: but you know, I was loving it. And then after
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: those three days, you go to this next stage PHP
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: and it's like in a sober living but there's staff
• 28:13
  Speaker 2: there twenty four to seven. Sure, and you go grocery
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: shopping all that, but you still go to class during
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: the day.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: Uh huh.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: But you get your phone the whole time. You can
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: have pop you know that kind of thing. And there's
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: also a pool and a hot tub there and and yeah,
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: I loved it. You could go for an hour past
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: a day, you go hiking and yeah.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: So was there ever a point where you were in
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: treatment where you were like, maybe this is a problem
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: and I shouldn't do this anymore.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: Nope, it wasn't because, like I said, I really thought like, Okay,
• 28:45
  Speaker 2: I just had a tough time. I'm going to learn
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: how to drink like a normal human being. Okay, that
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: was my first my first treatment.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: Sure were you honest with them about that?
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: Some you know, I wouldn't stay fully honest because at
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: the time, like I really didn't surrender except that I
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: was an alcoholic. Yeah, I really thought that I don't live,
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: I'm not homeless, I don't drink from a brown big
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: er bag. You know, the typical alcoholic stuff, like there's
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: no way I can be one. It's just been a
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: tough time, okay. And so that was my my scapeboard
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: or whatever you want to call it. Sure, So yeah,
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: I do the treatment. I have a blast. It's great.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: And then after my time's up. I think I was
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: there around seventy days total, and I was like, all right,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: time to go back home. You know, I go back
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: to Fargo. I obviously don't live at that place. I
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: was at with my buddy and I stay at my
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: dad's for a couple of days. But then a family
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: friend was like, hey, Zach, you know, he could stay
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: in one of my rooms and rent them out. So
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: I was like, cool, great, let's do that. And I
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: do it, and I'm I went to a couple of
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: meetings in town. I did a lot of zoom because
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: zoom was the big thing, especially around that time with COVID,
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: and I think it was like two weeks, a little
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: over two weeks, and then it was Halloween was coming up,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: and my mom's side or wherever they have a big
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: Halloween party, and obviously I wasn't going to go because
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: they drink and all that, so I stayed back, and
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: I was like, you know, I'm just going to hop
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: on a zoom meeting with one of my buddies in California.
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: So that's what I did. But a night, a night
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: of Halloween, I went out and I just I snapped
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: and I went and got a forty and a few shooters,
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: and I was like, prove to myself that I can
• 30:25
  Speaker 2: drink like a normal person. Sure, I get back with that,
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: and I kind of sip on the beer, just take
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: it easy, and then I hop on the zoom meeting
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: while drinking, you know, like IW was sick of a person.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: And I make it through that. And I make it
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: through that night by only drinking that. So I was like, okay,
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: look at me.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: But Sunday morning comes and it's eight o'clock and I'm
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: up and straight at the liquor store. Okay, I go
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: buy a handful of shooters. They don't even make it
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: back because I drink them so fast. I get back
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: to the house, I turn right back around. I grabbed
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: some more I like stocked up or whatever you want
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: to say. And on the way back, one of my
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: shooters falls on the ground here and saw I was
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: driving I was like, all right, I'm gonna grab it.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: So I went to grab it. My hand went with me.
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: Oh sure, and I went smoked right into a tree
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: and then I don't remember anything apparently, So what happened
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: is I that happened. People came because I, you know,
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: I just hit a tree, right, and I guess I
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: pushed everyone away. I backed up and drove back to
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: the house with a smashed in front you know thing.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: And I get back, I lock myself in the house.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: I keep drinking and then I wake up to twenty
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: miss calls from my mom and my family all that,
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: and I answered, I'm like, what's up, and they're like, Zack,
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: get outside. The police are there. I'm like, what do
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: you mean, Like, I'm so out of it. Yeah, And
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: I get outside. I'm in my shorts and I don't
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: think I have a shirt on, no shoes, and they're like, hey,
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: were you driving this. I'm like yeah, and they're like, okay,
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: come here. They handcuffed me and I go away. I
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: obviously was very intoxicated. So I wake up in the
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: drunk and I wake up and the thin mattress and
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: all that stuff, and I finally come to I'm like
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: knocking on the wind. I'm like, what's going on, guys,
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: you know, like I'm still don't know, no idea what happened?
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: Right? Why am I here?
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: And then so I kept knocking on it. They breathalyzed
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: me every thirty minutes, and then I was finally good
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: enough to go to the next one.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: Do you remember what your initial blood alcohol was?
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: Oh? It was it was high. It was like zero
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: point two something, sure, but yeah, it was a lot.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: But then once I'm done there, I go to this
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: next room and I can call family, you know, from it,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: And I did mention my older brother earlier how he
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: was got in a lot of troubles. So he's in
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: jail a lot. And I tried to call my mom
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: and dad from there, but their numbers were blocked because
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: my brother used to call from there so many times,
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: so the number from jail was still blocked. Uh huh,
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: And so I'm freaking out. I was like, those are
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: the only two numbers I memorize, And so I just
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: sit there and I end up going to the I
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: think it was like the transitional part, because yeah, it
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: was COVID. So so I get to my so I
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: get the whole get up, and then I was there
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: for a couple hours and then I met with my
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: my PO that was assigned to me and all that,
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: and he goes, hey, so this is happening like it
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: was your first defense. Like I've never gotten a speeding
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: ticket before there, you know, that's the only thing I've
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: ever had. And and he goes, well, this is our options,
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Like do you have a place to go? And I
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: was like, yeah, I could go just go stay at
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: that family friend's house. Like in my mind, how do
• 33:24
  Speaker 2: I even think that was okay?
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: And he goes, well, you got a job. I'm like, yeah,
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: I'm sure I can find a job, you know stuff,
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: And I think he was like, yeah, it doesn't seem
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: like it. So we call my mom finally, because he
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: used his phone to call her so it wasn't blocked.
• 33:39
  Speaker 2: And they worked out a deal where I could go
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: out to her place. And she lived in small town
• 33:43
  Speaker 2: North Dakota, Lisbon at a farmstead, and so I had
• 33:48
  Speaker 2: to go there where the ankle monitor for a few months,
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: you know, come back every couple of weeks to do
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: a UA. And so that's what I did. I went
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: there and I was I just hit my little basement
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: for a while, and it was miserable. But being on
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: the ankle monitor and like doing the UA everything, I
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: found a way to sneak drinking and here and there.
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: You know, I wasn't sober for those three months for sure.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: Right, And did you withdraw again as bad as when
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: you went to treatment?
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: It wasn't as bad, but it was. It was definitely there, sure,
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: but it was only like you know, they say, it
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: happens a lot quicker, like your your addictions outside doing
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: pushups when you're in treatment and all that stuff. And
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: I lasted a day.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Right, and I was right hand cups, yeah.
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: And so yeah, I go out there and I'm on
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: house arrest. I can't go anywhere, I can't do anything,
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: so I just h I start watching a lot more movies.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: I kind of handy now with my previous job, so
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: I'm doing like fun projects and I'm just I don't know,
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: another thing, is just another vacation. But I make it
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: through those three months, and I'm I'm miserable, like I like.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: It sucks because everyone knows that Zach is an alcoholic
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: and he can't drink, so you know, I would I
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: think Eventually my mom's like, you want to try any
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: Ana beers. So I did, and that maybe lasted a while,
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: But then you drink an a beers and then you're
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: sneaking off taking polls, so like it looks like you're
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: not drinking, but you really are, right, And so there's
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: a lot of stuff that happened there. Like I ended
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: up working for one of my stepdad at the time.
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: I'm one of his friends, and I was like, they're handyman.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: And I lasted a couple of weeks because I was
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: drinking and I'd come home using his truck and I'd
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: be drunk, you know. So like, yeah, it just it
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: never worked out. I'd tried every way in the book.
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: I even try to just smoke weed for a while
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: and do that, but it doesn't work right. So yeah,
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: after a year there, my mom's had enough of me.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: My mom and my stepdad they ended up getting a
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: divorce and my mom has to make a move to Verona,
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: North Dakota, where she's originally from. But she goes, Zach,
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: I can't take you, and so I'm like fine, you know,
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: but like through the divorce, she got some money, so
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: she bought me a car. I was like, okay. So
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: she's like, I love you, but you know I can't
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: take you.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: I was like, that's fine. And I guess one of
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: my cousins she had this apartment for one more month,
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: but she wasn't living there anymore. She was like, Zach,
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: you could stay there for that month while you get
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: on your feet, get a job, and and so that's
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: what I did. But I didn't get the job right.
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: You know, I drank and I still had some money
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: because I did some side projects in Lisbon, like some
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: showers and floors and type of things. But all I
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: had in this apartment was an air mattress and my clothes
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: and my computer. And that was my Yeah, that was
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: my daily routine. And for that month I drank. That
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: apartment was disgusting. I puked all over. It smelled. But
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: there's this liquor store right by that place, and I'd
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: go there all the time. And one of these times,
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: you know, I was I wasn't eating much, I wasn't
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: drinking much water, just alcohol, and I go this liquor
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: store and I pass out again. And I wake up
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: in the liquor store looking up and there's all these
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: people around me, and they're like, what's going on. I'm
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: freaking out, and they're like, you just had a seizure?
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: Still here? And I panic it I ran, yeah, and
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: so I ran in my car and I dropped drove home.
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: Oh no, and yeah, you know, it was just a
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: miserable thing. My family's calling me in tears, what's wrong, Zach,
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: How can we help you? And I shut everyone out right. Eventually,
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: my my little brother, he's done this multiple times, but
• 37:46
  Speaker 2: he goes and he picks me up and he takes
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: me to his place where he's living, so I can
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: detox for a bit and just be sober and just
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: get off the booze. But also when I'm there, I
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: end up having a grand mall seizure.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: Scary.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: Once again, I don't remember it at all. I woke
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: up in the hospital. I think it was a couple
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: of days after I got there because I was in
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: a coma. Wow, And I finally come to and my
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: my family they're crying because they didn't know if I
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: was gonna make it or not, and they told me
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: the whole story. But like, my throat hurts and all
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: this stuff, and I'm weak. My memory's not there. And
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: you know, they have to tie your hands down, and
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: they I guess they didn't do it tight enough. So
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: I woke up eventually and I ripped out the throat thing,
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: and I like they had to like time me back
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: down and do all this thing, and then I passed
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: out again. But like I was, I was in the
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: hospital for like twenty days, wow, because I had a
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: like I was so bed written too, and like my
• 38:42
  Speaker 2: strength wasn't there and I hadn't know how to walk again.
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: And at this time, my family's doing the same thing.
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: They're like, Zach, can you please just go to treat me,
• 38:50
  Speaker 2: like how can we help you? And I said, no,
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna be fine, you know, you know, added an
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: alcoholic mind. Yeah, And so I ended up getting my
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: own apartment because at this time too, they have this
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: thing it's called endi rent help, and they paid for
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: my apartment for a year.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: Ye.
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: And that was the worst thing that could happen, because honestly,
• 39:10
  Speaker 2: I should have been homeless and that maybe would have
• 39:13
  Speaker 2: pushed me farther. But I'm here today, you know somehow
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: some ways. So yeah, so just a brief about like
• 39:20
  Speaker 2: the year I was there, and it wisconstant. I donated plasma,
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: and I worked for one of my old bosses for
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: a little bit, but they ended up getting fired because
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: I was drinking or driving the vehicle. Sure, but yeah.
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: And then so eventually one of my best friends, like
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: he was an alcoholic too, maybe not as open or
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: honest about it as me, but he had drinking problem also.
• 39:44
  Speaker 2: But he was at his ends. He was kicked out
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: of his family's place. He didn't have anywhere to go,
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: and so I had an extra bedroom and I said, hey,
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: come live with me. And he starts to mention this
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: he was at going to this outpatient place and morehead
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: and I was like, that's great, you know. I was like, yeah,
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: like I need to stop drinking and all that. So,
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: like he lived with me for a couple of months,
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: and that's the worst thing you can do is have
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: two alcoholics. You aren't ready to be sober, right Because
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: he would be sober and then I would drink, and
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: then he would relapse, and then I'd get sober. It
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: was just the back and yeah cycle, you know. So
• 40:16
  Speaker 2: after we finally not we me, I finally he's like,
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: you're the problem. I kicked him out, Okay, and I
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: didn't see him for a couple of months, and then
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: a couple of months after, I got a call from
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: our other good buddy and he goes, hey, James is
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: in the hospital. I was like, what's going on, you know,
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: like freaking out, what's going on? What do you mean?
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: What do you mean? And I'm drinking at this time.
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: He's not going to make it, and so me and
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: a drunken panic haze, I go to this hospital and
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: it's right right by my apartment. So I walked there
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: but I'm I'm wasted. I go there and all family
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: and friends are there and I go in there and
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: I make this huge scene, like in tears, yelling like
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: oh my gosh, and they finally had to like escort
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: me out, sure, you know. And then I was on
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: the phone with my mom and on the way and
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: I was telling her what's happening. And then I get
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: to my apartment. Then I guess I just hung up
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: or I just passed out, and then I woke up
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: in the hospital again. You know, there's a trend with me,
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: and it's getting to the point where finally my family
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: will come check on me, call the hospital so they'll
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: come pick me up and I'm in the yard. It's
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: back and forth. I'll get out be okay, like maybe
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: drink here and there for a couple of weeks and
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: I'm back right. And so like when my buddy passed
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: to that was my excuse for the next almost year
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: to drink because I played everything like why him and
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: not me? And yeah, you know, like I'm more like
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: I should have done it, and you know, all the things.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: And I just did he pass from alcohol, his.
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: Body just finally shut down at the time, he's twenty six.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, he's six twenty seven, jeez. Yeah, and
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: I was a year older than him, so sad. Yeah,
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: And at the time, I didn't think that was possible
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: for an alcoholic to die that young, because you know,
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: you see all these alcoholics who are sixty something and
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: they've been doing it forever and right, But like the
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: more I found out well being in recovery is that
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: once your body's done, it's done.
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know.
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: But so for that year, I that's my excuse to drink.
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: I push everyone away. Everyone wants to help me because
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: they don't want to see what just happened. Happened to me,
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: and I'm I'm selfish, you know. I I eventually I
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: get banned from a liquor store that's right by my
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: place because the guy that runs it knew my older
• 42:37
  Speaker 2: brother and you could obviously see that I had a problem,
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: and so I had to get my picture put in
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: a liquor store so they couldn't serve me anymore. And
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking this guy's and marine and all this stuff.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: But I'm like, but then, so what I do. I
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: go to the liquor store that's two miles away and
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: I live there, and so yeah, it's just it's NonStop. Yeah,
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: I don't make it to any family events I can,
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: you know, and neither nor they want me there because
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: I can't be there.
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: So it was finally the breaking point.
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the final breaking point was it was the constant
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: in and out of hospitals.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: And would it be from like seizures.
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: Or so like the one that Grandma was the only
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: recorded one, but that one that I had at the
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: liquor store was the other one. I'm sure I've had
• 43:27
  Speaker 2: more than that too.
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you just don't know, you.
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: Know, I had Eventually I went one time I had
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: angry titus. Yeah, my inside just hurt I couldn't even
• 43:36
  Speaker 2: go to the bathroom. You know, I look like I'm
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: a twig, how skinny I am and lifeless. And then like, yeah,
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: my my family finally like basically had an intervention or
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: whatever you want to call it. Exact you gotta go
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: to treatment. I said, okay, fine, just not Fargo. And
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: so I my older brother lives in Bismarck with his
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: his wife and and there's two kids and all that,
• 44:01
  Speaker 2: and she actually works for F five. So then she
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: goes like, oh, well, I know this one place. It's
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: really good. And so I was like, sure, I don't care,
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: just tell me where to go. And so I ended
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: up going there.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and.
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: It was it was great. It was tough though the
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: first week because yeah, I didn't want to be there, right,
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: you know, I didn't want to get sober. Like impatient
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: was the last thing on my list because I was
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: like I already did it didn't work, But you know,
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: I ended up starting to like the place and it's great.
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: I do my forty nine I think it was forty
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: nine days was how long I was there and impatient,
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: but I'm still trying to control this thing because I'm
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: like they recommended outpatient going to sober living, but I said, no,
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna go back to Fargo. I'm gonna do my
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: outpatient there, go to meetings, I'll make friends, and so
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: that's what I did. I went back to Fargo and
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: I did okay for almost two months something like that.
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: But at this point too, at the end of those
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: two months, it's coming up on my best friend that
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: passed away, his year anniversary of his staff and so
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: that day me and are good buddies, we all went
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: out to just see each other first, and then, like
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: I first time I've been sober in a while, we
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: go have lunch and we hang out and we do
• 45:22
  Speaker 2: all this stuff, and they ended up dropping me back
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: off and You're like, Zach, you know, we're just happy
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: that you're doing good. I'm like yeah. Then they dropped
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: me off, they drive away, and then it was almost
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: like an automatic thing in my brain. But then I
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: turned and I walked to a liquor store and that
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: started my my week long bender before I eventually is
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: my sober day today. Luckily, I met some great people
• 45:48
  Speaker 2: in treatment when I was there the first time, and
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: they basically said, we're gonna kidnap you if you don't
• 45:53
  Speaker 2: come back. And so I eventually caved. And it was
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: just different this time though, because I remember, like I
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: was excited to go to treatment. I was so mad
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: at myself because I was like, I was this close,
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: like I had it, you know, I had it, but
• 46:09
  Speaker 2: I just I was still trying to control this thing.
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: So I make the call back and they said, yep,
• 46:14
  Speaker 2: you can come in this day. I'm like, all right,
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: sounds good. Go to my mom's for those last couple
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: of days until they can get me in and they
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: take me there. But this time, I don't have any
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: plan on going back to Fargo. I was going to
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: do what people told me. So I think it was
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: like the first or second day I filled out the
• 46:31
  Speaker 2: sober Living application, I think the day of or the
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: day before I got there. I got a sponsor and
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: I even got on an abuse too. You know, like
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: this time I was I was taking it really personal
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: because I was like, Zach, you were so close to
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: and like it was getting good, you know. And so yeah,
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: I went there and I had no plans on going back,
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: and I was going to listen to other people. Finally
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: we stopped running Zach's show, you know, and yeah, I
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: just haven't looked back since. It's been nothing but challenges
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: but blessings and all great things. Like I work at
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: that treatment center now, right, and you know, I get
• 47:11
  Speaker 2: to grow in there, I get to I get to
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: go to school now, to be in LAC that's my plan,
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: you know. And I finally have this goal of what
• 47:22
  Speaker 2: I want my life to be like. But I never
• 47:25
  Speaker 2: had that. Yeah, you know, I got a house, I
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: got my license back, finally, I got you know, my
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: girlfriend I live with. I got my dog that we have,
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: and I have all these things. But it's like nothing
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: would happen if I would have just finally surrendered, right
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: for sure? And listen to other people other than Zach.
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, how long were you and sober living?
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: Ten months?
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: It's awesome. So you've only been out for a month.
• 47:49
  Speaker 2: Or two, not even No, Actually December will be a
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: year I've been we've had our own place, Okay.
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: So you've been sober almost two years? Okay, I think
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: I'm understand. Yeah, well that's good. Why do you think
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: it was important to stay there that long?
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I didn't plan on it. I honestly thought my head,
• 48:11
  Speaker 2: you know, six months will be good. But then eventually,
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: like you're there for a while and then the owners
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: they start to see you, and so they give me, like,
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: you know, the house manager position, and more so I
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: was like, it's just I wasn't ready yet, and like
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: both me and my girlfriend she was in sober living
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: for like two over two years, wow, and it just
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: kind of finally worked out where we were both ready
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: and time to make that change. But like right away.
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: If I would have left early, I would have been scared,
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: probably because that was my one other accountability thing that
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: kept me from drinking, you know. And so I just
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: I always said too, like sober living is not for everyone,
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: but it was huge for me. And it's tough because
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: you live with eight other dudes and this person's messy,
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: this person's not, you know, but you just got to
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: focus on yourself and continue to do the next right thing.
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: Right, which is like I think why sober living is
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: really important because I think it's part of that surrender.
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: It is right, like you really have to kind of
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: have the serenity of what can I control and what
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: can I control and you know, keeping my side of
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: the street clean. I think it teaches a lot of
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: those tools.
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because like you know, some people get the idea
• 49:31
  Speaker 2: that sober living will keep you sober, and it won't
• 49:33
  Speaker 2: keep you sober, but it definitely help you stay sober,
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: right for sure. And you just got to keep piling
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: up those things, like like I said, like, I got
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: a sponsor, I got a home group, I went to
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: sober living. I'm on an abuse right Like, I'm stacking
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: all these things up so I don't even have to,
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: like I'm not even close to that next drink because
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: I know it's it's life or death now and I'm
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: finally done with it.
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, do you still have a sponsor? You sponsor?
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Do sponsor? Occasionally. I don't have as many sponsors
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: as possible, but at my one year, my old sponsor
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: actually ended up falling off sadly. So then I was
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: at this crossroad where I was like, well, I've been
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: through the steps, I have a sponsor. I was like,
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: do I really need one? And then I really had
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: to like check my ego and like my pride and
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: be like, exactly, you're no better than anyone else. And
• 50:23
  Speaker 2: so I got a new sponsor and we're going through
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: the steps again, and good for you, and it's been
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: a great experience.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: How did you navigate the sp SP sponsor sponsor relapsing
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: because I mean that's always a possibility to me at all.
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: Well, that's it is, and it's it's really tough, and
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: it's you know, sadly he's not he's not back in
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: the room just yet. And I hope he does. But
• 50:44
  Speaker 2: like when that happens, you don't take it personally. You
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: just you let him know every now and then that
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: you care about him, m and you just pray that
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: he makes it back. Yeah, for sure, Because yeah, it's
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: it's scary.
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: So for anyone out there who might be struggling in
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: this moment, what would you say to them?
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: I would just say, just give yourself a year of
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: giving sobriety your everything. And I know a year sounds
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: like a lot, but just do anything that you're told
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: to do, like if it's sober living, if it's an abuse,
• 51:20
  Speaker 2: if it's sponsorship, if it's anything like that. But like,
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: give yourself a year and then I promise you, after
• 51:25
  Speaker 2: that year, you'll never want to go back.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: Right. Yeah, Well, thank you very much for being here
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: and sharing your story with us. I really appreciate it.
• 51:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you,