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Beside Every Calling | Episode 17: When Comparison Creeps Into Ministry · Beside Every Calling

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Beside Every Calling, where a life you love is born beside the call and not lost within it.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: If your date night has occasionally included a hospital shop, or your kids played Let's Baptize in the pool instead of Marco Polo, you understand this rhythm.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Across every season, from little ones to leadership transitions to emptiness, we live beside the call while creating lives we love along the way.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: So please get comfortable and let's dive into today's episode.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Hi friends, and welcome to this episode of Beside Every Calling, where a life you love is formed beside the call and not lost within it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Debbie Daniels.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm Jill Barber.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: And thanks for joining us.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Jill, how are you this morning?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'm frazzled.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: How are you?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm frazzled too.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Going gray and frazzled.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I want to say to people, some uh over half of our people listen to us on and watch on YouTube, and they're probably saying, What's up with Debbie's hair?
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm transitioning to gray, and it's a really, really hard transition.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I I'm a little frazzled with it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then lighting, and we're into season two, but it feels like a little bit frazzled.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, first of all, your hair looks great.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud of you going gray.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's a that's a big deal.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I'm just frazzled because you know, if you're watching us on YouTube, my lighting is just funky.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I've spent the last, well, this morning I got my husband uh for about 45 minutes and said, help me with this lighting.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And we were in different rooms, we were different lighting.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then then we switched from uh uh our email to Microsoft 365, and everything wasn't coming up right, and uh, so I just moved back in here to my office, and so I look pasty and white and everything else, and so it's just a thing.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just gonna go with it.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: But this is perfect for today's episode because we are talking about comparison kind of, and so I'm gonna start with a question and read this because I'll say the intro wrong if I don't actually read it, which is like we wish we were just such perfect professional podcasters like Jill and I it just flowed.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, that's that's not our jam.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: We're just go with it kind of girls.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: So here we go, Jill.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Can I ask you a question?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever spent so much time admiring someone else that you quietly started wishing you were more like them?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's another pastor, another ministry spouse, another church, another family, another personality, another gift.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: The truth is comparison touches every one of us.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Pastors compare church attendance, ministry spouses compare friendships, gifts, influence, parenting, social media, and even how they're doing better.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Can I get an amen?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I know.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: But what if comparison isn't really the problem?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: What if the deeper struggle is believing we need to become someone else before God can fully use us?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe that's the invitation today.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: God never asked us to become someone else, He invited us to become the fullest version of who He created us to be.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're talking about finding freedom from comparison and insecurity so we can faithfully live the life and the calling God has uniquely entrusted each one of us to.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: So we're not the perfect podcasters, but I'm not even gonna compare us to those fancy ones because we're two girlfriends trying to help other people out there.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, please don't compare us.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And we we we're we're pretty good at not doing that or helping each other stop it.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: So Joe, I'm gonna throw you the first question.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Comparison touches all of us, and I do believe that.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think just in ministry, but definitely in ministry.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think almost all humans do this.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you see, where do you think or see it show up the most in ministry?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's such a good question.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is such a topic that um I still battle, you know, it it not as much as I used to, but um, it it shows up everywhere.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I think when I was, well, I know when I was um a younger pastor's wife, and uh when we went to district assemblies and way back in the day, when they had uh every pastor stand up and give their report, you know, at even one district, they had their pastor and the spouse stand beside him while he gave the report, you know, the whole thing.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even during that, I could sense myself um just going, Oh my goodness, they've really got it all together, you know, or just as you're listening to things that are happening where the Lord had called them.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: I was comparing them and their place and their service and maybe just everything about them to where the Lord had called us.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And um that that kind of began my eyes wide open, so to speak, of wait a minute, I'm not them, you know, we're not them or whatever, or I'm not her, or all that good stuff.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I do, I do think there is a line that you you cross, and I know I've kind of jumped it before, but admiration, I know we've talked of written that down and talked about that a little bit before, but I don't think it's necessarily wrong to kind of like, okay, someone that's 10 or 12 years ahead of me, 15 years ahead of me, let me, let me, I'm just kind of watch them from afar.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I admire them.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I admire how their family's doing, I admire their love relationship right in the middle of ministry.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I admire everything kind of about this family or this couple or this person.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I think the line crosses when when we start comparing ourselves to them.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't think it's wrong to look around to say, oh, I want to find somebody that I can learn from.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But that comparison thing, it shows up everywhere.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: It can show up everywhere.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: I and again, it's one of the reasons for me why my personal devotions every day is so important.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I cannot live uh and be the person that the Lord made me to be if I'm always looking across the field or across that line or wishing I was so and so or just the whole gamut.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: We all get it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um but the the scriptures just bring me back every every day to say you are you.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, sorry, I leak all the time.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay, and I love that about you.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I do think that's part of just the comparison, is there's a certain level of health in it when you just look at people like you said, 10 years ahead of you, and you're like, oh, I want to create that for my life.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like if this is silly, but even like having my gray hair, right?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I watched some women that felt so empowered by doing it, and they're just living their best life in their 60s.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I am doing that, and it's really hard.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but if I start to think, oh, but mine doesn't, I look really gross.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I can't really go out because I don't look good enough.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, right now I'm in this transition, I have on a headband.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we've heard about headband stories with me, but then that becomes paralyzing and a negative place for me if I start to think, oh, I'm not as good as them.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: But if there are like I'm a Pinterest, like if I'm gonna scroll, which I don't do a lot, but sometimes on planes, and because I just go down that rabbit hole.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like right now, I have all these cute outfits and cute looks and think, oh, I that's kind of what I want to take with this 60-ish version of myself.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and younger, the younger Debbie also kind of compared families.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I looked for healthy families that their kids loved each other and wanted to hang out with them.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought that's the kind of family I want.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so I did that comparison, I felt like is fairly healthy.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: The problem would be if I got home, was like my kids are terrible, and I wanted them to be like that, and that's not who they are.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I do think it it crosses a line personally.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think in the church also it can definitely cross a line.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when Scott and I first started pastoring, and I felt like district assembly was such a negative experience, like it was just the pastors criticizing or comparing each other, like, oh, the pastor with the biggest church in the room got the accolades, and the rest of us struggling, we're like, bah, I'm getting beat up again.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I don't feel that way anymore.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Do you sense a change in that also?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, we're both what 36 and a half years into this, and um, we've been to a few dist in ministry.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We've been right.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still 36 in my mind.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Just that point.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: My body says, Oh, yeah, I don't think so.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, anyway, uh, yeah, so over those, we you know, we've been, we've experienced many district assemblies uh through those three decades for sure.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it is a uh, there is a positive, hopefully, uh swing, wash, whatever you want to call it, uh, perspective when we get together.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's much more encouraging, it's much more uh at least for me.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So let me just say that uh of what we've experienced.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then when Sam was a district superintendent, you know, we were trying to be the encouragers uh to all of these wonderful men and women that are out there on the front lines, just giving it all they got.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not a time to beat them over the head.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's a a time to bring reality to say, here's where we are and such and such or whatever.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we need to do a little bit better.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, you know, we can do that.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's that's okay to kind of, you know, let's let's let's go, let's hit this goal or whatever it is.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but there's there can be a beautiful, healthy experience on a district um of we've got each other's back, we're here for each other.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the Lord called you there, but the Lord called me here, and that's absolutely okay.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Good for you when this happens for you, and pray for me because this is happening, you know.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: But there is a beautiful, beautiful wash uh from from 30 years of all these district assemblies of feeling that, at least I would say for sure.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I do want to add, you know, um, I don't know if everybody knows, and it's okay if they don't, but uh in this comparison topic that we're talking about, of course, everything that you read is where we where we kind of have find ourselves every once in a while.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: We gotta we can't live there.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: But another part for me is um I have Crohn's disease.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh, you know, I I look at wonderful people who are great people and I go, okay, why why don't why do I have that and they don't have that?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or why, you know, but that's that again, that's wrong, right?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what that's not what the uh God called me to do and to be.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: He allowed me to have this and he's helping me with it, of course.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: But there's the whole health comparison too, especially when you get to our age or things happen or whatever, it's like, okay, you don't raise your hand for any of this.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, it just comes.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and yes, you trust the Lord even deeper and and greater.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I I just say that because I think there's probably somebody listening that probably is saying, Yeah, I, you know, I've got cancer or I've got Crohn's, or I've got all this other stuff that is not functioning right, and I didn't ask for it.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you're all in and you look across the aisle, so to speak, or at somebody else doing ministry in the in there as healthy as a you know, a pumpkin on a whatever.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they're just going great, and you're like, I'm I just kind of wish I had that body, or I wish I had that health.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but so I say all that to confess that I have I do that sometimes.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, that I wish that was my life, you know, or whatever.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: But um it it's not what the Lord made, it's not what He needs me to live into.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's so good, and I'll just you know, I don't share it often, but I have glaucoma.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so with your Crohn's, I have glaucoma, and without the Lord's help, I'm going blind.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've lost all my peripheral vision.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: And my family loves to say she looks normal, but she's not.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I literally only see what's directly in front of me.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I have to turn my head to see.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so when we're sometimes in spaces, especially large groups, I run into people, or you'll notice my husband is almost always on my right because he I can bump into him and it's not embarrassing.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I don't see well, and I catch myself when I start comparing, comparing and thinking, oh, but why?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's the second I'm like, no, get back with the Lord and let him love on you, because he's never given me a scripture I won't go blind.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: He's given me that terrible scripture, my least favorite scripture.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: We live by faith, not by sight.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I hate that scripture.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, um, don't email us about that scripture.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really need it, but I don't want it.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's when I compare thinking, but I wanted to have their journey in life, not mine.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: But this is my journey.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like you said, it only becomes negative when you start letting it eat at and you start feeling less than like God loves me less than.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm not as good as He's blessed them more.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: No, your call is specific and learning to live within that call and whatever the disadvantages or advantages are, um, and accepting that.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: I think that's part of the healthiest way to define this for us, I think.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think so too.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And let me uh so I pulled out a couple of books that have helped me with all of this.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it's not supposed to be this way.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's backwards or whatever.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can see all of it.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think look at all my crazy.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's there's some really great nuggets in this uh in this particular book.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's not about comparison.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's about um Lisa Turkish, however we say her name right there.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um it but it takes you back every at the end of every um chapter, it says let's go to the well.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it basically just gives you a summary of all the wonderful wisdom of that chapter.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it is, it really, really, really is so good.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've read it a couple times and keep adding notes to it to keep going back to it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there's sometimes when we compare, we go, well, you know, like with Crohn's or just whatever else you're thinking about.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's not supposed to be this way for me.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't write this story like in my head for this.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: None of us have, right?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like what it is, but it's a great book.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: The other one that I'm only about uh five chapters in is called Unoffendable by Brant Hanson.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it is literally all about righteous anger.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: And uh it's how you know, righteous anger isn't a blessed thing that God says we're allowed to have.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so uh this this one, if you really want a challenge, if you really want um to kind of let go of what that comparison has done to your spirit, this is unoffendable.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's uh it's been a real challenge.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't finished it yet, but I'm in the process of finishing it.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's very good.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't read either of them, but I will put them in the show notes.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening and you're like, what books did Jill mention?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: I will put those in the show notes so that you can find them.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jill.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: All right, let's move on to another question.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Can each of us share a season when comparison stole some of our joy?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is a good one.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And what helped us find our way out?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, which season do you want to know about?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um to be honest, yeah, yeah.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, oh my goodness.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you know, so let me just say this.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: We when we were young, uh just you know, our first pastorate, we were young, we had Ross, we were doing everything we needed to do, all in, and we were as poor as Job's turkey.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that was it, that's a saying.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's a saying is that a saying you made up, or is it really?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's what my grandma always said.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's they're poor as Job's turkey.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, when Job lost everything, his turkey didn't have anything either.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we were poor as Job's turkey, and you know, we were uh you know, we never went hungry.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we always had a roof over our head, we always had clothes on our body.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: There, you know, our needs were met for sure.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: But there was a time that you could look, and I think that was part of me in those district assemblies going looking at these pastors of healthier churches than ours of 20 or 30, you know, at the time, and going, okay, I wonder, I I bet you they make a little bit more money than we do, or you know, all that kind of stuff.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so I I I battled that, I think a little bit of that comparison of like, okay, I didn't know this is what we signed up for.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I don't think either one of us knew.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: We're just going by the call.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: And um, and yeah, the Lord had to had to uh kind of get get on me about that, and he did.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I and I the Lord just said, This is this is you, this is your life.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I will take care of you right where you are, and he did.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And uh that's just that's just one one season.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, honestly, even today's season, yours might be similar, but you know, I can look across at all the sweet friends we have in ministry and go, oh man, I wish I was still part of that group, or I wish I, you know, had a church family, or I wish I had, you know, all that kind of stuff, which again, the Lord has taken care of us, we are fine, but it's just it's just that, you know, you have to pull yourself back and say, and and let the Lord go, okay.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now I called you here.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let's focus here, be all in right here, and I will take care of you.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's that daily, like you said earlier, getting back in the word.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you're not filled with the spirit daily, this is a really, really hard space.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: I think when you're pastoring, you can fake it for a long time.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: You can learn how to do this stuff and not need the spirit to do it.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: You've just figured out your routine.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: So I would encourage you, because and I speak from years of being a pastor's wife, um, that it was easy.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: I could get in my own rhythm and make it happen, but the joy and the security and the total peace comes when you're filled with the spirit doing his work, not asking him to come join you in your work.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 18:20
  unknown: Yeah.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: My system of comparison is embarrassing though, and it's kind of I don't even know if I could share it, but it's true.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I grew up with a single mom.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: My dad would, I'd see my dad once a year.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd never seen a marriage, and I think I fantasized about what it would be.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like Scott would leave petals on the way to bed at night and love notes all over the house.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't do that.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, he does.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_01: No, surprise.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um he is romantic sometimes, but he's a man that really lives in his head, and he's very busy, multiple things going at one time.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: And learning to love him as he is and not how I wished he was, because I would compare him with other good friends, spouses that were always home on time, always helpful with everything at home, and doing that house stuff that my husband has no desire to.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: His big who can we hire to do that?
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like it he gets no joy out of that.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he's home so little over the years.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: I've realized, oh, let's just hire someone to do that.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's I get it done, and he's happier, like it works best for us.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: But when I was comparing us in those early years of marriage, um, I found that was really unhealthy for my marriage.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it took me a long time to talk about it with anyone.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: And truthfully, it's two surgeons' wives that I became good friends with, one at our church in Texas and one at our good out of our still, Kelly's one of my best friends today in California.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: And both of their husbands were surgeons and worked all the time, crazy hours, similar to a pastor, right?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Home, you just hope you can't schedule it because you don't know when a crisis is going to come.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Their husbands get called to a surgery, and it doesn't matter if there's dance recital.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if someone's dying, my husband has to leave to go take care of that, even though it's a big family event.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think I've shared Noah had two birthday parties canceled because we're like, oh, this is we gotta reschedule this, buddy.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I just think learning to accept that who God had called us to be and who I married and who and accepting how Scott is not how I wished he was, has been a game changer for us.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure he would say the same about me, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of that came from I didn't have a role model of what marriage looked like in the home.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: I only had the fantasy of it, and I made it really romantic and fluffy.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, he is, he's great.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_01: I love him dearly, but I don't think he's ever gonna leave rose petals on the way to the bedroom or love notes all over the bathroom like I thought he would.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's so good.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, um a comparison too can also uh let's just go there.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you kind of touched on it a little bit, like we're looking at different people in ministry and you know, what they have or how they're doing and all that kind of stuff.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes uh if you are not filled with the spirit and you're not right, you know, with uh right up to date with your relationship with Christ, sometimes you can go, okay, I that spouse would be better for me than that spouse, you know, or whatever.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, we fit to better better together than whatever.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and that is that's totally wrong.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Danger, danger, danger.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um, the Lord put you guys together and it, you know, all of us together.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's just you cannot do that, right?
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, just cannot do that.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, and it's okay.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: I want to just pause to say it's okay.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Take exactly all your disappointments, all your anger, all the things you're thinking that you think I can never say this out loud, and take it to God and say it out loud to him.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep releasing it to him, giving it to him, and ask him to fill you up with what he has for you.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_01: But, anyways, just keep being filled with the spirit is my advice on that.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I think.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: That the comparison isn't really the issue.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's feeling like you're less than or what you have isn't as good.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we have to get back to the Lord for that.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: So let's uh I'm gonna read something here right in the middle.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um perfect.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna pause along the way.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: A pause along the way.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is a little bit of a poem.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you've been listening today and quietly comparing yourself to someone else, this is for you.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: May you stop measuring your worth by someone else's calling.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: May you stop apologizing for the way God created you.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: May you discover that faithfulness has never looked the same from one person to another.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: May you celebrate what God is doing through others without questioning what He's doing through you.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: May you remember that before you ever accomplished anything, you belong to God.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: And may you find the courage to become the fullest version of the person God created you to be.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I absolutely love those words.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I think that's just a beautiful uh foundation of this whole thing about what we're talking about comparison.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I think for me, Jill, I love those words, and I wrote them as I was thinking about this episode.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: And how did I get to this season?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like it, there's something so beautiful in this season for me that is truly full of so much brokenness and pain.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: But I might be the fullest and healthiest I've ever been.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's that I truly can say without a doubt, I trust God with 100% of my being.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and maybe that is enough.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I once in a while catch myself comparing, but most of the time it's back to who he created me to be and asking him, show me the gifts you have for me today, for me in this season.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, even with my glaucoma raging, and as my doctor said to me last week, Debbie, glaucoma is just a very mean, unforgiving disease.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it and at first I, you know, I cry the whole way home, and then my precious husband is wonderful to me.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_01: And because I just think about, man, what if I do go blind?
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you do this job?
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do I travel with them?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_01: Am I just at home alone?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, No, you're coming home.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you know my husband, that will be the funniest episode ever figure it out.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I just think, no, you know what?
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: God today is loving on me so real, and I'm so okay with the next step and the next step and the next step that I'm not comparing.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but when I do compare, it's not it's because I want more than what he's given me, or someone else's great eyesight or whatever, their health, right?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: They don't have Crohn's, they don't have this, they don't have that.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: But no, right where you are, God is longing to love us in that space, even with that brokenness, even with one of my children struggling to have a baby and desperately wanting one.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think somewhere in there, that yeah, that peace that comes from just being okay with this season of life you're in.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: And how do I fully live into this season?
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_01: And every season is different.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_01: In my 30s and 40s and even 50s, we're totally different than the peace I'm feeling as I'm starting my 60s.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: The the spiritual depth and awareness that the Lord has helped me get to in these days and ages of that what what I am, I wish I would have only had in my 20s and in 30s.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I just thought, man, I could have been such a rock star, you know, whatever.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my word, instead of this insecure kind of wondering person.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, but but what a gift, even even now, you know, to to have that such a deep trust in our Lord.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_01: So which is why you need an older mentor, right?
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's absolutely because we absolutely will share with you.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: And why I'm looking for ones in their 60s and 70s.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_01: So that they can live the best version of me now, too.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so let's let's do one more question and then we'll do the quiet moment we have scheduled.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I would ask this question to you, Debbie.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what would you say to the ministry spouse who spent years trying to become someone else instead of embracing the unique person God created them to be?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_01: First, don't feel like you're the only one that's ever done that.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_01: If we're honest, we've all shown up at a meeting and looked around the room and felt like I don't fit in.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: That I they're better than me, I'm less than.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that's totally the enemy.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I do want to mention, I know I say it often, but the enemy is real, right?
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: He wants to isolate you, make you feel less than, and not the incredible conqueror warrior of God that you are.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_01: And you are that.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: God created you perfect and on purpose for a purpose.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I have to tell myself that often, just the way I am.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, my first thought would be don't think you're the only one that's ever done that.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: All of us, we don't talk about it, but we absolutely do.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_01: And we have to catch ourselves again, right?
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: As next summer we'll go to in our denomination, General Assembly.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: There'll be 20,000 people and we'll all show up and try to look our best or not.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, wear whatever you want to bring.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: But I would say you it you I don't know if it ever stops.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_01: It only becomes negative when it starts to control you, and you have to acknowledge that that's maybe part of humanness.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like you you do want to come because you're looking around observing other people is very different than comparing.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I also want to say, you know, there's sometimes where we might think we're better than other people.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to say, sister, brother, absolutely not.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_01: There's no one in this room that you're better than or less than.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: You are you.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_01: God uses all of us in his unique way, and he celebrates that uniqueness.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's already versions of the other thing you think you need to be.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: What about you?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, very quickly, I would say very much the same thing to everybody.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, you're not the only one.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: We've we have all done it.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: We all I oh my goodness.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it we're I'm just you know, admitting for everybody out there.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And um, but we like you said, we are all who the Lord made us to be.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say, as I always go back to many times, you are doing better than you know.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: And uh don't don't try to compare yourself or put yourself in a list or a hierarchy of any kind.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh be all that you can be where you are, and that's what the Lord needs you to be.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that is that is it, and that's what I'm trying to do today.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: So um, as we wrap this up, though, Debbie, I I would like you to lead us.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think this is a very beautiful thing uh at the end of this podcast called a quiet moment.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if you'll lead us in that, and then we will wrap this one up.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you're at home having coffee, just settle in.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_01: If you happen to be driving, keep listening.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you're walking, maybe slow your pace just for a minute.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I want all of us just to take one slow deep breath in and let it out.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, comparison is loud and God's voice is often much quieter.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_01: So before you move on with your day, let's be still for just a moment.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I want you to take that slow breath in and say to yourself, I receive who you created me to be.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now breathe out slowly.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: I release comparison.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do it one more time.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe in.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: I receive who you created me to be.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_01: Breathe out.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: I receive, I release comparison.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Now hear these words from Ephesians 2.10.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared for us to do in advance.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: Just sit with that moment.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_01: Just sit with that for the moment.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_01: You are God's workmanship.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_01: I am God's workmanship.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_01: We are created.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: Before anyone applauded you, before anyone gave you accolades or started to make you feel compared, overlooked, or misunderstood, you were deeply loved by the one who created you.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_01: God already created the people you admire.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: He isn't asking you to become one of them.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's inviting you to become the fullest version of who he created you to be.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that is really what I want to leave us with.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_01: We each need to become the fullest version of who he created you to be in this season of life.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: Not who you were, but in this very season.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: So again, as you breathe in and breathe out throughout the day, we hope you'll be reminded that he called you to be you.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we hope, and we know that's enough.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: And when you start to feel that comparison, just give it back to God and release it.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so, so much.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, and thank you, listeners, for listening.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you're not alone out there.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: We're here, and thanks for listening and joining us today.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_01: And if you need to rewind to listen to that, uh, one of the middle taking a deep breath or in the end, just do that.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_01: But no, you are greatly loved for who you are.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_01: And we're right, we're right here beside the calling with you.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_01: So thanks for listening.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if this podcast today kind of touched a nerve, or you think, ah, my girlfriend should really listen to that, or this guy's spouse should really listen to that, go ahead right now, stop, text it to them so that we can help building this community of spouses creating a life they love beside the calling without losing themselves within it.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening, friends.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_01: If this conversation felt a little too familiar, like, were they sitting in my living room this week familiar?
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: That's your sign.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: Text this episode to one ministry spouse who might need it today.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_01: And if this space feels like oxygen in your season, would you please take 30 seconds and leave us a review?
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: It helps more spouses find this beautiful, sometimes overlooked, but wildly important community.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: We'll see you next time on Beside Every Calling.