Latest / Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge / Why Worry?

Transcript

Why Worry? · Two Ts In A Pod with Teddi Mellencamp and Tamra Judge

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is Teddy t Pot. Hi you guys, welcome back
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: to Teddy Teapod. I am super excited about this week
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: one we have on Leslie and Bruce, who is a
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: number one New York Times bestselling co author of the
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: book You Are an Awesome Mom, Which how great is
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: that I've got Leslie with me right now. Hi, thank
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: you so much for having me. I'm so excited to
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: be here and we are going to be talking all
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: things children's anxiety. So I struggle with anxiety myself, and
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: then also my son has a form of anxiety that's
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: really just kind of cropped up in the past year
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: where he all of a sudden decided he could no
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: longer sleep in his own room. He didn't want to
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: go in public bathrooms, like all of these started kind
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: of changing in our life. And for about four and
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: a half months he was my husband in my roommate,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: like we set up a full bed in our room
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: like for him, he camped out with us, and it
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: wasn't really until his teacher said to us, um, Teddy Edwin,
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: before the baby comes, you need to move him out
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: because you don't want to do it once the baby comes,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: and then him feel like, oh, you're getting the boot
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: because you have a little sister that just arrived, and
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: then we'll have all these feelings towards her. So we
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: started doing our research on figuring out the best methods,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: and the biggest thing that has worked for us has
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: been meditation with him. And I am like a terrible
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: meditator myself, like, but he craves it, loves it, is
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: obsessed with it, like sits there and it's like every
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: single night before we go to bed, he's like, Mom,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: can we get Andy. That's the guy's name that speaks
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: on headspace. And he's become like our best friend. I
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: think we're at like minutes meditated in the last couple
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: of months. So really that's worked for us. And as
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: we've been doing Andy slash Headspace, everything else has kind
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: of shifted. He started being able to go back into
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: the public restrooms. He's not as frightened of certain things,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: and I've started to learn that if I manage his
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: expectations in advance, we have less like chaos when it
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: comes down to it, right, did you notice is it
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: like a separation anxiety with with you or is it
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: like what is it? What? What kind of anxiety. Do
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: you think it is? We don't really know, because it's
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: it really has been changing so often, and you know,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: at first, I'm like, is it even anxiety? Is it
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: when I'm working a lot? Is it when? But it
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: it didn't shift in regards to like, it wasn't like
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: when I was filming the show or not. You know,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: it was kind of just but I had gotten pregnant,
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: right right, So I think that thing may have had
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: a way, a way bigger effect than I could have imagined,
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: right right. I definitely saw that with my I have
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: two kids. My daughter is five and my son is
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: now twenty months, and I definitely saw that, and it
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: was it's just change in general. I think with my
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: daughter and she has I mean, my husband and I
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: both have anxiety. I had horrible postpartum anxiety after my
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: son was born. UM, but during my pregnancy it was
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: a really it was a high risk pregnancy. I was
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: on bed rest bunch and um, so it sort of
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: manifests in the house, right And I feel like there's
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: like this uh like spillover effect. And so I saw
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: with my daughter any time that there's like major change,
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: any time that we're we're shifting her dynamic. It can
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: it can feel tense for her. And when I got pregnant,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: we had that, and when we moved, we had that
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: new school, all of that, and it's just in the
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: key for our family. I think it's just the communication,
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: really setting expectations, this is what's going to happen. She
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: works well under kind of a a controlled controlled chaos. Right.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: That's funny that you said that, because the same exact
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: kind of thing happened with me. I was with my
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: other kids. I was on a you know, partial bed
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: rest on and off. I started getting terrible postpartum anxiety
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: as well. So as you're as I'm hearing you say that,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm having complete flashbacks. But
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: then you know, I have my son who has you know,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: for the last eight months kind of struggled with it.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: And then recently my daughter um our dog passed away,
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: and she had a totally different form of I didn't
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: think it was anxiety at all. I thought maybe she
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: was sick until I took her to the doctor where
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: she kept saying, mom, I can't catch my breath. And
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: it happened, and it was all through the holidays and
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: she kept saying, I can't catch my breath, like, and
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: so I took her to the doctor and we've been
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: you know, I thought maybe it's acid reflux. I was
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: like doing research on what to give kids for USID reflux, etcetera, etcetera.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: And we went into the doctor and I'm like, these
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: are her symptoms, and she like puts her on a
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: breathing machine, has a conversation with her, and then she
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: looked at slate and she goes, Slate, has anything been
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: bothering you recently? And she goes, yeah, my dog died,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: and it's I've just been really sad. And I was
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: like immediately trying to reel it in because I wanted
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: to like break down at that moment. And the doctor goes,
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: you know, you're not sick, right, You're okay that whatever
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: you're feeling right now, it's just emotional. And she didn't
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: say just I said, jes, but she's like, it's emotional.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe do some breathing, or you can do
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: some yoga with your mom or some meditation or different
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: things like that, but you are not sick. You are fine, right,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: And I'm not kidding. The next day there was she
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: was fine. So it's such a different thing, like she
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: just needed someone to tell her you're okay, right, Whereas
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: my son, it's like we do this every night, we
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: do headspace. We're constantly you know, discussing things that you know,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: walking into the dark room or walking into you know,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: different spaces. But it's crazy how how different our kids
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: are and how they handle things completely different, even though
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: we're all in the same house, right, I feel like,
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like that goes across the board
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: with parenting, Like having how I raise one child it's
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: going to be completely different from how I have to
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: raise the other, and you know, same general guidelines and
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: morals and all that. But my daughter responds so differently
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: to things than my son does. And to have to
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I mean, for me having to like figure out parenting
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: in general and then having to figure out parenting too,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: different kids in two different ways. It often, um, it
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: can feel like a lot, but you realize that they
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: just respond so differently and so well to different things,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: so you've got to, like, you gotta be flexible, flexible.
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: I know. Even the doctor was like, maybe you should
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: start meditating with slate as well, and we did it
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: that first night when we came home from the doctor,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: and I go, let you want to do Andy, you
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: know with Cruise and I and she goes okay, And
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: then night to she goes, Mom, I don't need to
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: meditate anymore. I'm fine. I'm not having the breathing issue anymore.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Like she has wants nothing to do with it, and
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: she hasn't brought up the breathing thing again, whereas Cruise
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: is like, Mom, can we do three Andy's tonight, for
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Andy's tomorrow? Back to three the next day? Like he
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: is so regimented. I love that. Do you think with
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: your daughter that it was did have anything to do
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: with like I feel like with my my daughter, I'm
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: having to explain death to her, and that's a really
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to figure out how to do it in
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: a way that's like appropriate for her age. I think
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: she was because she didn't properly. It wasn't like the
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: dog was sick, like a tragic thing happened to the dog.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: We had dropped it off at a doggy daycare place
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  Speaker 1: and the woman had an accident with the dog and
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: the dog passed away, and like we were out of
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: town and we came back and the dog was gone,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: like there was no goodbye, there was nothing. And the
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: first week we were all emotional about it, like we
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: were on and like Leaky Faucett's like crying one day, laughing,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you know, like grieving. But then she didn't talk about
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: it anymore. So then I was like, oh, maybe she
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: this has past for her. But then it just creeped
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: back in and I think she didn't know how to
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: express it and I and I should have asked, you know,
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: And in hindsight, I should have been like, how are
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: you feeling? But I was like, oh, she's not talking
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: about it. Maybe maybe we don't need to talk about
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: it anymore, because then I don't break down and not
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: you know. But it was probably avoidance on all of
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: our part, and you know, she was internalizing it somehow. Yeah,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: that makes sense. So before we take a break, I
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: want to introduce our next guest who's actually going to
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: help us dig into all of these anxiety and stress
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: questions when it comes to kids. Her name is Susansen.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: She is a psychotherapist um She works in California and
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: New York. She has a private practice and she specializes
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: in working with teenagers, a young adults, and families. So
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I am so excited we had. I can't even tell
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: you how many listener questions. This topic was above any
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: other with questions like my inbox was flooded. So let's
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: get to it right after we take a break. So
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: here we are. We are back with Susan and Leslie,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: and we are talking all things anxiety. So I mean, selfishly,
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: I want to ask about my own kids first, my parenting,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: so I want to dig kind of right into this.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: So something that's kind of gone on with my son,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: which I gave a little backstory before you came in,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: but he was having trouble going into his own room.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: So for a while, my husband and I kind of
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: just let him sleep with us in our room. We
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: called him our roommate. And then we've recently transitioned him
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: to his own room because we didn't want to do
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: it right when the baby came. So we are a
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: about a month into it. But it truthfully has to
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: be one of us at night doing meditation for at
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: least twenty minutes why he falls asleep. We have a
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: reward chart for him in the morning every night, you know,
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: after you know wakes up, then we praise him we
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: give him that, but I mean it is a constant
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: battle because he's extremely scared about his dreams. So I
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: was wondering if you had any other advice for us
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: and things that we could do. We also talk you know,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: we have faith, so we talked about like, you know,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: you're being you're protected, everything's good, but he's like I prayed,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: it's not helping. I think it's so important to normalize
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: their behavior and what's happening in their nervous system. Kids
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: also love science, so to really kind of have them understand, oh,
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: this is normal for you to feel like going into
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: your room without mom and dad, maybe something scary when
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: he's five, right, Um, is really important. UM. And so
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: I think you're doing a great job of really working
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: with a reward system and kind of getting him to
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: a routine and habit of how to go to sleep
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: and actually feel safe. But UM, you know, keep talking,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: just like as you talked about with your daughter, is
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: normalizing this behavior, um, And so he can kind of
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: keep gaining that skill of really kind of feeling, um
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: that he's capable of going to sleep and capable of
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: actually mastering the skill on his own, which is going
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: to give him a great sense of agency, right, that
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: confidence that he can do it. Yes, I mean in
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: that same to a girlfriend of mine her daughter has
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: recently just started bedwedding again. Could that be a form
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: of anxiety? Yes, for sure. And the thing is is
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: that we with children, we don't really um. They don't
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: have the maturity to really understand oftentimes what their emotional
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: states are and to be able to articulate them. So
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: they come out and behaviors and actions, and so it's
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: really up to us as parents in order to help
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: them to correlate the language with what's actually going on,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: being curious about it, being curious about certain actions that
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: are happening during their day that may be resulting in
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: an action um. And also not shaming we take back
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: steps as children, we take forward steps. It doesn't always
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: have to be kind of on this sort of linear
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: trajectory of doing everything perfectly. UM. So I think it's
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: really just about being calm and being able to connect
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: with our children, um, and being able to help them
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: with language to understand what's happening. Well, how do you
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: as a parent, how are you able to figure out
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: if it's something is a behavior or if they are
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: developing or suffering from an anxiety. How can you figure
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: it out in order to help them? Yeah, I mean
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: the first step is always going to your pediatrician and
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: making sure that there isn't any medical issue that's coming up. Um.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: But the other issue that I'm super passionate about is
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I think that we're limiting our language for this generation
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: and for our children of their feeling states. They are
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: allowed to be happy, they are allowed to be sad,
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: they're allowed to be anxious, and they're allowed to be depressed.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of how we talk about language with
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: kids with feelings. We label so many things as anxiety
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: when they actually might be excitement. Right, because in our
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: feeling state, anxiety, love and excitement feel exactly the same.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: We get the hard palpitation we get, we might even
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: get sweaty, we might get excited, um, but we limit
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: that and UM, I think it's really about expanding out
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: feeling states for our children, to really give them a
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: range and be able to kind of connect with different
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: things that are happening. They may be frustrated, they may
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: be annoyed, um, they may be super excited, but they
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: have a hard time kind of connecting those things, and
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: that's really what our job is. Should we be avoiding
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: using the word anxiety in front of our kids? I
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: actually think so. I think that we overuse it in
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: our society and they do too. I mean, we love
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: to label things in order to understand them in our brains, right,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: But UM, I think that being expansive on kind of
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: what different feelings are so important. There's actually a great
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: book called the Human Emotion UM Book, and I think
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: it's a UM. It goes through just the various types
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: of emotional states and there's some really crazy ones that
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: you haven't even ever thought of. And I think kind
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: of exploring that with our children, of um, can we
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: really expand these out is super important because the popular
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: thing that is coming up for pretty much everyone I
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: know is how do you help learning slash identifying I
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: mean other than going to your pediatrician. But like if
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: as somebody who struggles with anxiety, I am hyper focused
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: when I think it might be anxiety, So how do
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: you identify it with your child without creating a bigger issue? Right?
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: I think that what you're talking about is so important
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: because you have to really look at what is yours
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: and what's theirs? Right. So first I'm packing that the
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: fact it is is, oh, am I feeling anxious about this?
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Am I feeling anxious that they're not transitioning? Am I
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: feeling anxious that Cruiz is not in his bed and
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: we're having a baby in a month? Or is this
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: really about him right? Or is he ready for it too?
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: That's also a big part of it. Um you know,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: he's not going to go to college sleeping in your bed.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: I mean, you know, those morning hugs are pretty great.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: It's funny that you say that because actually, my um
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: my sister went through a divorce in her eleven year
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: old still is now with my brother out of the house. Uh,
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: he's he's developed an attachment to her where he has
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: to be in bed with her. And now he's eleven,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: and she has the guilt of not letting of the
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: change that's happened, and so she's allowing him to kind
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: of be in the room and but she doesn't know
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: when it's what's a healthy amount of sort of uh
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: time time and cuddling and all of that, and then
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: when does it get to the point of, Okay, now
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: it's time to transition into our next chapter, Like, how
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: do you navigate because it feels like it's such like
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: a it's a tight rope. You don't want to say no,
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: you don't want to say yes, you know, you want
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: to do the right thing. I think that's the hard
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: part about parenting, right. It's all individual and we all
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: love to judge one another. Two um. So it's really
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: when it's starting to interfere either with their functioning or yours. Right.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: So the fact is, if it's interfering with your life,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: are your sleep or whatever it may be, then that's
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: the time to actually really work on transitions. If it's
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: not and it's working for the family, then it's embracing it.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: And also when it comes to kids, oftentimes you'll see
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: a child say, oh, I hurt my arm or my
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: foot or my toe or my whatever. I can't go
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: to pe or I don't want to go to dance
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: class today because my leotard hurts my you know arm,
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: you know whatever it may be. Is that a form
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: of anxiety or is it attention or what is that? Right? Again,
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: I think this goes back to the question of overusing
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: that word anxiety, But it's also really about being attuned
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: and being curious about what's going on with a child
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: and impacking that because it may be a fear base.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: And the fact is is our our nervous system does
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: what a nervous system should do UM with anxiety, which
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: is keep us alive and keep us safe. And so
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: oftentimes it missfires right. And so the fact is is
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: that going to the dance class may feel terrifying to
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: a child, which causes them anxiety, or it may be
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: something else that actually is really going on. But I
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: think for us to really kind of move into our
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: child and explore, so, why do you get a stomach
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: ache every single time you're going to dance class? What's
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: going on with that? UM? Is there something that I
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: can help navigate with you and really bring down UM
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: to their level their understanding of what's going on with
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: them internally. But a lot of times your kids will
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: say nothing, no, not if if you get to that,
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: then what's your next question? What's your next plan? Right? UM? Yeah?
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Because they oftentimes don't know, and so it's really up
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: to us to kind of be able to UM investigate,
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: to be curious, to be talking to the teachers, maybe
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: to other parents, to observe and see what's going on
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: that may be causing our child conflict and then moving
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: into asking them about those specific issues. Is there a
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: certain time a day or a certain situation where you
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: think is the best time to talk to your kids
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: about those kind of things in the car? In the
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: car um, I think oftentimes when there's too much focus,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: that's really when it gets into those feelings of moving
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: back and maybe I'm embarrassed about this, or maybe I'm
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: feeling shameful. So when they're coming home from school and
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: you're driving them home from school, or maybe they're having
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: a snack, or maybe it's before bedtime, um, whatever it
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: may be, when they're actually really calm, is to moving
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: into having them to have that conversation about out dropping
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: down and and and what's what's going on with them
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: and during their day, just the communication. I had heard this,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I had
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: heard the statistic or the study that said that as
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: a parent, if you can connect twenty five minutes uninterrupted
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: every day with your kid, no phone, no outside anything,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: and just be in front of your child, that there's
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: not a lot that can get past you. That you know,
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: whether it's depression or bullying or whatever it is, that's
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: going on in their life. If you're connecting with them
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: for twenty five minutes a day, UM, that that that
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: you'll be able to catch anything that's going on. And
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: that felt like a really attainable number to me. I'm like,
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: I could do that. Yeah, do that. I think it's
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: really about also teaching them how to be present, right, UM,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: So because with all the social media and being overscheduled, UM,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: and the meadow commitments that we all have. Now you know,
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: we're teaching our children how to be competitive at very
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: young ages. UM. There's a lot of pressure on them
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: to achieve, both in school, sports, whatever it may be. UM.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: Really giving them that gift of presence is so important.
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: So if you have that twenty five minutes to really
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: connect with them, really be curious about what's going on
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: with them, really ask them the questions to know them,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: you're doing a great job as a parent. What verbage
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: would you give our listeners to somebody who's their child
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: has a big game or a big test, because a
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: lot of the times you hear about a child will
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: go in and become paralyzed. We even take a test
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: because they're so nervous about not doing well in it
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: or they you know, don't even try and practice because
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: they're so frightened that they might have to go into
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: the game. So like, what is the verbage we should
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: put around it so that we take the pressure off.
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: But we're also you know, we're there for them, right.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: I always go back to science when we're talking to
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: our kids, right because they understand it from a very
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: young age. But their brain is doing what a brain does.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: And but the problem is isn't misfires all the time,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: so it doesn't know the difference between a test and
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: something really exciting. UM. So I think realizing that behavior
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: and going look, this could feel really scary for you
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: to be going into but you've got it. You've trained,
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: you've you've done the work, You're ready for this, UM
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: and now it's just about breathing and calming down your
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: nervous system in order for you to be able to
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: do the best of you can. How do we how
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: do we communicate that to like younger children, like to
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: like the four or five six year old where maybe
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: the talking of the science might be a little bit
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: over their head. How do we help them to sort
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: of get their you know, wrap around their emotions. I
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: actually disagree with that. I think they get it at
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: a very young age. I think you can name it UM.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's even really great to call their magdalumas firing
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: as something Amy or Joe or whatever it may be, UM,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: in order to give them a language around that for
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: them to feel more agency and control. So the earlier
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: that you're actually really teaching them that UM, that they
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: can feel safe in their bodies UM and this is
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: just their brain misfiring. UM. We get out of that,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: you know, talking about anxiety and talking about fear bees
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: and talking about lack of safety, and we get it
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: really into feeling more in control. And I mean, maybe
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: I did this wrong, but Cruz has been having a
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: little bit of a tough time with his letters, and
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: so I said to him, Hey, Bud, if every day
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: this week we work on the letters in the morning,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: we'll do a little check mark, and then you can
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: get a gift at the end of the of the
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: week because you you know, you're committing to do the time.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: I'm not kidding. Within two minutes he was like a
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: basic big So I'm not kidding. For months, I've been
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: worried about this, like he's not getting the letters, they
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: brought it up to meet blah blah blah. But the
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: second I did the reward, But then am I also
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: pressuring him? See it? Like it's conflicting? So then I
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: as a mom, I'm like, well, am I always going
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: to have to bribe him to show me what he knows? Like?
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: What is happening? I mean, we talk about motivation all
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: the time, right, and so he was super motivated to
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: learn his letters to get that reward. Like three minutes.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I was like, you've got I mean, he but then
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: I'm curious is he fibbing to his sisters and I
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: because I'm not getting thirty twenty minutes before, we were
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: all kind of playing around on his board and he
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: could not do it, and he was like kind of
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: playing around, and then he was like, I don't know
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: is that a jay? Is it a j? You know,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: like all that type of stuff. But then the second
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: reward came in. He knew all of it, But then
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: how do you get it when it actually counts? Because
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: he's doing that at school as well. For him, I mean,
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: I can't go walking around with like the Amazon pulled
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: up on my phone like hey, here you go, buddy.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: He's hussling. He's hussling. Well, it's also teaching our kids
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: about internal and external reward, right, Um, So the goal
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: is as a parent right now, you're giving him external
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: reward to hopefully kind of start building the internal um.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: And that's what makes a self reliant and uh child
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: later on and what are really gold as a parent
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: is But I think that, um, each kid is different
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: and trying to find that motivation. Um, whether they're feeling
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: sort of that sense of confidence that they can master
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: something which is amazing, or they're needing some kind of
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: push from a parent in order to kind of get
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: them there. But you can't kind of measure every situation
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: as being the same either. So as a mom, you've
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: got to give yourself a little bit of a break,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: um and not think that every single situation that he's
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: going to learn is going to actually need to seem
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: exact formula. I'm really bad at that. I'm really hard
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: on myself when it comes to the kids because I want,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I guess I have this fear of
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: like making a mistake that will do damage. You know,
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: even though I know you trust, you trust your instincts
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: and you you know all of those things. But I
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: think also because I'm pregnant that like, I just want
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: kind of them to feel happy, and so when those
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: types of little things happen, then I'm like, what am
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: I doing wrong? What I take? I take it personally right.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: I think you mentioned something really important there is you
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: just want them to be happy. Well, we're never one
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: constant emotional state. They're going to feel different ranges of
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: emotion and you have to be okay being uncomfortable as
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: a mom that they're not always going to be happy.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: And that's actually really teaching your kids important things too,
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: that they don't have to chase these constant states which
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: causes anxiety. Well, speaking of that, what is the answer
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: to temper tantrums? If your child is prone to having
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: major temper tantrums? Like what, in your opinion is the
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: best way to handle it. Each child is really different,
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: and I think sometimes not focusing on it is the
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: most is the best way to go, because when we
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: hyper focus on anything, it can either give them a
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: reward right because they're getting that they're getting the attention
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: that they want, or they're feeling a tremendous amount of
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: shame about not being able to have the control over
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: their emotional states. UM, and children really need to learn that.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: They need to learn how to control, um, how they're feeling.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: They need to learn how to have the coping skills
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: in or to sort of they're manage their emotional states. So, uh,
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: it's really kind of coming up with them together about
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: figuring out how to get in front of it. Because
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: when they are having a tantrum, it is actually they've
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: flown the coop. There's nothing that's coming back. You just
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: have to let them kind of work it out in
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: order for them to come back, because there's no prefrontal
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: cortex actually working for them to give them any sort
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: of ability to think through, thinking through logical ways of
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: coping with what they're feeling. At this point, they're just
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: reacting in a really really big way. UM. So, really
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: strategizing up front, coming up with routines, coming up with
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: a structure ahead of time in order to manage the
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: things that you realize that do tend to cause the
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: tantrums is super important. What about for a child who
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: becomes violent with their parents, that is really kind of
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: bringing in professional help when they do become violent from
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: the very first time. Yes, um, because they are so
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: out of control with their emotional state that they can
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: actually calm themselves down. And you're really going to need
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: their party in there to give you to help you
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: as a parent with the coping skills and the tools
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: in order to manage. And there may be other factors
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: that are going on for them to be feeling that
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: they have to be that violent, uh, in order to
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: sort of express their feelings or to be able to
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: manage what's happening. And I would recommend getting either counseling
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: from school or professional help in in order to to
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: help you, because it's just too difficult as a parent,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: is too much pressure for you and you don't want
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: to be in conflict with your child in that way.
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: Can we define violence? Because when I took my daughter
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: to Disney on ice before the holidays and I got
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: her a k CD instead of a Hamburger, and her
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: frustration was like so real that she bit my hand
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: because she didn't know how to commune. She's like, mom,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I asked for hamburger. I asked for hamburger. You got mad,
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: like whatever and she bit my hand. Is that is
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: that violence that we go to? I think as a parent,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you've got to be able to judge right. So if
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: it was something that she has room more straight afterwards,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: you're you work it out and and so much of
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: conflict that you have between your child is really about
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: teaching them communication and repair. So for her for you
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: to say to her, you can't do that, you can't
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: actually bite me when you're that frustrated. You've got to
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: be able to talk about your feelings. We've got to
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: figure out how to cope with things and manage things
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: together is a better way. Um. But if you're finding
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: that she's repeatedly biting you every time she gets frustrated
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: or angry, that's really when you need professional help to
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: step in, right, And what iss your daughter? Again? She's
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: five five? Because you'll sometimes see you know, I'll be
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: at the park and you'll see a kid like kick
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: their parents or you know, but they're frustrated. But if
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: it becomes a pattern exactly, or the parents are not
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: managing it well too so exactly, or being emotionally or
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: verbally abusive, that's the other factor that fuels it, and
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: then we're just bringing in that cycle of shame. Could
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: you give our listeners some sort of idea like things
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: they could be said that are verbally abusive, that they
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: don't realize. There's so many different ways that we do that. UM.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: I think that really it's about UM comparing our children
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: to other people, UM, and saying, well, you know, Johnny
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: does them a lot better than you do, and and
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: really kind of shaming our child into something. UM. I
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: think that we can talk about their behavior as being
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: something really negative or bad or evil. UM. We can
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: talk about them being insufficient or lacking in some capacity. UM,
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: anything that's going to really knock a child self esteem
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: or confidence. UM, that's going to sort of prey on
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: their insecurities as they're sort of developing who they are
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: as human beings. I feel as emotionally abusive and really tough. Well,
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: on that note, we have to take a little break,
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: but UM, we'll come back and really a little more. Okay,
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: now we're back, and since we've asked all of our questions,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I think, I mean, not all of ours, but all
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: we have time for our questions. I want to kind
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: of rapid fire do some of our listeners questions. You're ready, yes, Okay,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: Why do kids bite their nails? Kids bite their nails
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: for various reasons, it can be from boredom um to
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: to really managing stress because it is a self soothing
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: mechanism UM. And so fifty of children bite their nails
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: and a lot of parents just ignore it. But um,
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: when if it becomes problematic or you're finding that the
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: behavior is becoming too too problematically, some kids actually bite
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: them down to there's actually sort of to their cuticles
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: and it's actually becomes painful, then you really need to
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: kind of start to come up with different tactics, whether
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: it's putting nail polish or varnish on or manicure um
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: in order for them to sort of create different ways
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: to manage their their their stress than actually through nail biting. UM.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: One listener had written in that there's six year old
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: granddaughter saw an image of a man who was shot
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: on TV and has had anxiety ever since. How do
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: we help our children if there's you know, when they're
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: hearing the news or the things on the outside. Right,
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: The hard thing with media now is that they have
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: so much exposure to it, and our brains don't know
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: the difference between reality and fiction. So when a child
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: is actually going to see a horrific image, it actually
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: feels as if it's something that's happening to them now. UM.
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: And so it's a really kind of normalizing that behavior
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: with that child and sort of have them understand that
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: this is the world is unsafe and unfortunately this is
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: something that they saw way too early and too soon. UM.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: But just to reinforce their their a feeling of safety
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: in the world is going to be so important for
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: that child in order for them to start link calm again. UM.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: And I really am a big believer and understanding what's
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: appropriate media for children at what age? Um. And if
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: if a child is experiencing any sort of anxiety or trauma,
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: it's a no no for any type of violence, um,
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: anything that's going to kind of cause their bodies to
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: sort of to to misfire in that way. UM. So
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: I like to say, lots of rainbows and ponies that
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: they get to watch. In the same token, loud noises
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: really upset my toddler. What are some ways I can
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: keep him calm? Right? There's there's separate ways to really
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: think about it. And one of the things we have
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: to really think about is what type of personality does
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: a child have? Um? And sometimes that kids could be
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: on the spectrum, or they could be more of an
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: introverted child that loud noises and lots of people tends
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: to upset them more So, Again, it's being curious about
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: who your child is is um, but to figure out
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: how much they can tolerate coming up with a plan
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: ahead of time. I know you love routines and schedules,
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: but this would be really about if you're going to
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: a family function, how much can they actually manage? Um,
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Putting them in situations that they may be able to
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: tolerate for shorter periods of time, then to kind of
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: keep them there and keep them hyper aroused or overwhelmed
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: the whole the whole time is really important. While you
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: said spectrum, what are what is something a parent should
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: do or like, what are signs that maybe your child
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: is on the spectrum and what are the steps they
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: should take right. Um. Again, I think this is a
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: term that we're overusing in our culture at this point
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: about talking about people being on the spectrum, because we're
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: all different and we all have kind of a range. Um,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: it's really important to be working with a professional at
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: the point if you should just suspecting anything out of
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: the norm is going on with your child with spectrum
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: issues rather than misdiagnosing or are getting into kind of
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: a language around to right. But you said a loud
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: noise would possibly be a child being on the spectrum.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: So for a parent hearing that, if all of a
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: sudden I heard this, then I would go, oh, well,
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: my daughter is afraid of loud noises. So I'm just
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: trying to give them some sort of range of other
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: things to keep an eye on before you rush to
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: the doctor, because you know that can also be they
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: have sensitive ears or you know, there's so many different things. Yeah,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: I think that's a good point. Is really kind of
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: sensory issues. See difficulty time with connecting with other peers
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: or within the school, ability with eye contact, UM, feeling withdrawn,
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: I'm not engaging, not seem to be paying attention. Um,
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: there's there's a there's a big there's a big range
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: of it. But it's really kind of seeing that they're
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: not able to kind of connect in the way that
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: maybe other children are. UM. And also to that high
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: social anxiety being around certain individuals or situation is causing
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: them a tremendous amount of stress. Those would be signs
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: that we would start to really need to pay more
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: attention to You talked to a few moments ago about
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: UM the importance of reassuring our children in their safety,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: especially when seeing medium images. So what about a child
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: who has fear at home, who is so worried at
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: night that she's checking doors to make sure that they're locked,
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: making sure that she's safe or he's safe in her home.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: How can we reassure safety for our children Right when
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: a child is going through repetitive behavior like that and
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: it's becoming something that's really compulsive, I'd really be curious
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: about what else is happening. There may have been a
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: traumatic event, There may be in something that happened UM
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: that there needs to be further exploration around, because they're
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: trying to feel agency and control of safety by checking
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: the locks ten times uh in order to break the
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: pattern once we understand what's causing it. In order to
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: break the pattern really is just about getting them to tolerate.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: So may you're taking that down from ten to nine
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: to seven to six over time in order to really
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: allow them to stay calm, in order to feel the
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: sense of agency and control in their family. But I'd
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: be really curious about what's going on in order to
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: cause that kind of problem. Does the same go for
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: like ticks, Yes, yeah, I'm normally triggered by something that's happened. Yeah,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: and and and the and the fact is ticks usually
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: go away. But the more that we hyper focus on them,
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: the more attention we bring to them, and the more
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: that usually the tick actually happens as well. So um,
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: but it's children don't always have the language to communicate
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: what's going on, so we it comes out in behaviors.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: And same thing for self harm. Yes, yeah, when you
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: can't tolerate the emotional state becomes so overwhelming that the
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: only way for you to manage it is by harming yourself. Um.
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: And whether that's cutting, or whether it's over exercising, eating disorders,
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And uh, that's really important to
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: get a professional involved if there's any suspecting any kind
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: of self harm is going on with your child in
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: terms of you know, what things that we can do
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: to offer our children support beyond um, beyond just the communication,
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: to do something like a weighted blanket. Can that help
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: with anxiety with children? I am a huge believer in
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: weight to blankets. I have probably five in my house. Um. Yes.
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: The one. The one issue to really worry about is
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: coming from a trauma lens, which I'm always going to
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: come from, is if there was any sort of situation
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: where a child had suffocation or felt like there was
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: something that happened where a weighted blanket could actually cause
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: them to feel more unsafe and could cause more anxiety. Um.
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: But what it really does is that they were designed
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: for children on the spectrum with sensory issues in order
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: to calm down their nervous systems so they weren't flaring
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: around at night. And it's the same thing with anxiety.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: If we're moving around the whole night. Uh, you know,
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: having some weight on our body is really going to
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: allow us to calm down, and don't of a system
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: to calm down. I just got a way to blanket
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: over the holidays. I've never slept so good in my life.
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: They're amazing. I like it, well, I like one now
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: because I tried it and it has like a cooling
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: thing in it. Before it didn't and I was getting
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: very hot. But now with this one, I'm like, okay,
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: I like this and my son likes it as well,
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: but only some nights he'll tell me he's like, I
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: don't want the blanket tonight, and he can also not
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: have his feet covered. Sometimes it was what I find children,
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: so they just have a partial. They also have smaller
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: ones they can just put on their chest, or they
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: have stuffy animals, so they'll find if kids have a
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: hard time traveling in the car, or maybe it's transition
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: going to school and they have their way to blanket
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: on the or their weighted stuffy animal as they're going
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: to to uh to school and they find a lot
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: of comfort in that. Do you think anxiety is a
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: learned or inherited trait? That's nature versus nurture. Right, we
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: know about epigenetics. We know that in utero what gets
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: transmitted trauma gets transmitted to a to a child. So
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: there is a factor of that if there's been any
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: stress or trauma um how that gets transmitted to a
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: child's brain. But there's also in the environment. If if
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: you if you are of a parent that is struggles
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: with anxiety, there's going to be certain behaviors that you
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: really that that that the children are going to learn
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: around you. So it is both it's not either or
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: are there certain like supplements or I know a lot
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: of people talk about oils or something like that to
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: help our children cope with these with these feelings. I'm
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: not a doctor to actually prescribe, but there are things
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: that I do really love and my probably my favorite
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: is Holy basil. So it's it helps with adrenal health
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: and so especially with anxiety. What we wanted to do
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: is we want to calm down our journals. UM. So
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: they have it in tuh, they have it in little
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: droppers that you can put in water. UM. I often
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: recommend it to parents. What about CBD or E M
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: d R. I hear a lot about those things. So CBD,
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: I would say, now, there's not enough science. We don't
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: we don't really know what's going on around it. We
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: love to market anything that's new. There's plenty of data
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: to support various various issues that it has supported. But
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: as a general practitioner at some point, I wouldn't be
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: recommending that for anxiety at this point. But to each
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: their own right. UM, E M d R are various
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: modalities for to help children or families. There's UM internal
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: family systems, there's havening technique, there's somatic experiencing E m DR.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: These are all great modalities to help with trauma, to
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: help with anxiety, but it really just depends on the individual,
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: so it's not just one thing that actually is going
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: to help everyone. Um it would try them out and
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: work with your practitioner and see what actually works for you.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: I'm a big believer right now in having technique. I
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: really love it Havening technique. I don't know that please
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: shed some light. We have no idea. I mean what
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: it what it really does is it helps to um
• 41:03
  Speaker 1: interrupt that neural network that happens when we do experience
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: trauma or we're experiencing anxiety, because we wire things together,
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: we wire patterns together, and so it didn't interrupted by
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: actually kind of teaching really simple things like you know,
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: doing the alphabet A to Z with animals, or doing
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: cities and countries at counting steps in your mind, doing
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: imagery because our brains can't be hyper aroused and feel
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: that we're in a threat straight state and being actually
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: doing higher level thinking at the same time. So it
• 41:33
  Speaker 1: really helps with that and I've seen so many people
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: really get tremendous amount of results that I've struggled with anxiety,
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: struggled with trauma and it's it's something I'm super excited
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: about right now. Maybe this is going way over my head,
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: but like, what is an example, sa mom brain, I'm like,
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: what is like having? Is it a practice then that
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: you're it's it's a it's a it's a therapy practice
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: that we teach our clients, but it's something that you
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: can teach haven. I'm like, I've got to go to
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: Google dot com my professional that I deal with on
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: a daily basis. I'm happy to talk to you more
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: about it too. No, it sounds cool, and I know
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: this is going to sound a little bit weird, but
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: like I've also noticed when kids are on electronics a lot,
• 42:19
  Speaker 1: they almost become like zombies and so therefore you can't
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: even tell their actual behavior because it's like a detox
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: right after they get off of it. Do you think
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: it's all tied hand in hand? Do you think that
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: there should be a limit, like what is the limit? Um?
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: I love custodio apps that you can be tracking what
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: your kids are doing UM and how much time they
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: are on you can set all those limitations for it
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: and what they can see and what they can and
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: to your point, yes, their brains do not know the
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: difference between reality and fiction, and when they're getting into Fortnite,
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: they're feeling the same way as if they were actually
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: going to be a drone operator. I just looked at
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: Leslie like this. I mean my son, actually he's never
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: played Fortnight except he went to one point we were
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: at like somebody's house and they he saw him playing.
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: And he has asked me every day just watching one boy,
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: much older boy play Fortnite for fifteen minutes. He's now
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: asked me for probably over six months, can I have Fortnite?
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: Can I have for like, what do they put in
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: there that like gets into kids brain. I'm like, no,
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: you cannot have Fortnite. That stop asking. It's not going
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: to happen. But like for it to have that big
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: of an impact from just watching somebody else play a game,
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: I don't even get it. Well, a jacks are nervous system, right,
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: and we're gonna get We're going to get adrenaline rush
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: from it. Um. So there's a part of it that's
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: really exciting, the fact is that you're shooting things and
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: you're feeling all exhilarated, but to your point is getting
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: them off it's it is, it's addictive. Um, there's a
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: social currency around it too. That's really really hard and
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: these are hard things to navigate. And that's what I
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: love about that website because I think she really does
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: a great job explaining from the from the brain science
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: of what actually is going on with our children that
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: we can't argue with and and they can't argue with.
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: It's not kind of Johnny gets to do this or
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: or someone else is doing it. It's really kind of understanding, Hey,
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: this isn't good for you, and this is why we're
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: not doing it as a family. This is a decision
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: that we've made, even though it's a hard one to do. Um.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: But I think it's all talking about moderation and what
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: your child can tolerate and what they can't. What what
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: does moderation look like? Because sometimes if I'm trying to
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: cook a meal and I have two kids running around
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: the house, like I just need a thirty minute episode
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: of like Pop Patrol too so I can get to
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: take the edge off. Yeah, I think that's a great
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: h that's a great time frame to you're not it's
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: not two hours, it's not you know, all day they
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: have unlimited amount of time. You're giving them a finite
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: period of time. There may be even a reward system
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: around it, and maybe once you get your homework done
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: then you get this reward um. But giving them a concrete,
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: finite period of time that you're consistent is so important
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: around media for children and really again monitoring it, know
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: what's going on. There's a lot that's happening that so
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: many parents don't know how is happening, and then it
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: creeps up on them and then you have a really
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: big problem. So it's based on like an hour, like
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: the the amount of time like I'm trying to figure
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: out because I feel like just in practicality, like what
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: is a good with a good time frame to to
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: help parents? I mean parents tend I tend to sort
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: of say, like do thirty minutes of chunks. But it
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: really depends on you, um that because sometimes when you
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: get into an hour, then it's the snowball of transitioning
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: out of is so difficult, depending especially depending on the
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: age of a child, and you really have to look
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: at where their maturity is. Five year old is going
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: to be very different than as sixteen year old, and
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: how if if you have a bunch of kids, and
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: you have one child who's really struggling behaviorally, how do
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: you we we know now we've kind of talked to
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: you about what to do for the child that's struggling,
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: But what about the other kids? Yeah, that's such a
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: hard thing that I see in my practice a lot too,
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: is just the focus and the hyper focus on the
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: child who's struggling, and then the child who is not
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: or the children that are not I feel ignored or
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: their needs are not really met, and then later on
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: it it kind of creeps up on the family. Um
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: So I think it's so important to constantly be checking
• 46:26
  Speaker 1: in with them to know what's going on, seeing what
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: the impact is. Even having other people if you don't
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: have the time or capacity because your child's needs, one
• 46:34
  Speaker 1: of your child's needs is so great. That's really where
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: you're kind of bringing resources of your child's your your
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: children's teachers or their after school activities, of their coaches. Hey,
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: can you just check in with them to make sure
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: that they're doing Okay. I'm really stressed about this one
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: particular child, and I really need to help. We have
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: to work together as a community and as a tribe
• 46:54
  Speaker 1: and really nor to support our kids. And you know
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: a lot of times her mom's I'm just saying moms,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: but I'm sure it's parents say, like, the only way
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: that I can get my kids to listen to me
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: is when I raised my voice. What are your thoughts
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: on that? Like, what are your thoughts on actually snapping
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: at your kids or even if it's plan a planned snap,
• 47:13
  Speaker 1: what are the repercussions of that? I mean, we've come
• 47:16
  Speaker 1: to a time where things have shifted so much from
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: like how I was raised that that was like, I
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: mean a lot different. But I'm just curious because what
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: is the okay way now? Right? I think it's so
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: important to teach our kids about repair and saying sorry
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: and apologizing and accountability and we're and that we're human
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: and as a parent, we're going to make mistakes all
• 47:46
  Speaker 1: the time, and to really communicate that to our children
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: is you know what I messed up. I should have
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: said something different, I should have acted different. This is
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: a way I wanted to do it. I just got
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: really frustrated. Um, you're going to make mistakes, and I
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: think to be kind to yourself as a parent is
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: so important. The other factor, though, if it becomes sort
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: of a pattern that the only way you feel that
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: you can get your child to do something is by
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: screaming about them. Is what you're really teaching them as
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: a vowed dominance and control, and that's not healthy for
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: a child, is a fact, as in order to be
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: louder and bigger you have to in order to get
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: what you want is not a great way to be parenting.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: So to really be checking in with that and maybe
• 48:23
  Speaker 1: working with someone in order to support how to communicate
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: with your children differently. One question that I think is
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: interesting is when do you push your kids to and
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: through a new situation or a situation that might feel
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: a little scary for them versus not forcing them into it.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: I know my daughter with like rides and stuff, I
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: get Disneyland, certain things they're really scary to her when
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: they shouldn't be. When do you sort of encourage it
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: and when do you back off? Yeah, I think it's
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: looking at the situation. Um, if it's something that's going
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: to feel terrifying and their nervous system and you it
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: makes sense to you why they would be fearful of
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: doing it. Maybe it might not be age appropriate for
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: them at that time. Maybe that ride is she's just
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: too young for at this time, and maybe when she's
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: ten she'll be super psyched to go on the roller coaster.
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: But I think it's also about setting it up for success.
• 49:10
  Speaker 1: We talked about it ahead of time. We set up
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: the goals, we set up what's going to happen. We
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: love imagery in our brains, and so if they can
• 49:17
  Speaker 1: imagine what's going to happen, it's going to calm them down.
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: And then it's going to really make them feel excited
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: and and and feel so proud when they actually are
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: accomplishing it. And then it's just doing the repetition. Once
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: they've got it down, Let's do that again. Let's do
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: that again, and keep doing it until it becomes something
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: that they've self mastered. Because I know I've fallen too
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: fault to that. When it's like they don't want to
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: try it's something from like the new slide at the park,
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: like I don't want to try it, I'm like, let's try.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: Let's try it with mommy. First, boom we go. There's
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: crying at first, and then okay, I want to do
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: it again. But then I'm like, did I just push
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: them too far? No, you didn't. You taught them about
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: that they can actually take risks and they can take
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: care of themselves. I mean that's a great parenting, okay,
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: But at what point then if my like this ride
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: and I'm sorry to make this about me, but if
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: there's like ride that she wants to go on and
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: that is you know, she's tall enough for her friends
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: are going all of this, and now it's sort of
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: at what point did she create? Are you creating like
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: a monster in their head that oh, I don't want
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: to do it, I don't want to do it, and
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: you sort of just take them down the slide, like
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: Teddy said, and you show them that it isn't this
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: big bad thing again. I think that's really about kind
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: of doing the imagery with them ahead of time. She's
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: seen the ride, she can even look at it on
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: the internet. She can talk to her friends about their
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: experiences and set that up for success, figure out where
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: there may be kind of traps or she's just not
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: ready for maybe she's she hasn't kind of worked through
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: her feelings yet about it. But I think if she
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: can imagine what it's going to be like, then that's
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: going to actually encourage her to actually want to take
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: those steps in order to do it, and then when
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: she does it, I mean it's all array, you know,
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: so proud of you. Let's go do that again. And
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: she may be on that ride three or four times
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: at Disney that day. What about when it comes to
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: like a security blanket or toy or stuffy or whatever
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: it may be. Now, oftentimes in school, they're not letting
• 50:57
  Speaker 1: your kids bring those things in. Yeah, that's really tough
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: because you've got school policies. But we were talking about
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: children and their development is all going to be different,
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: and they're gonna have different life factors. They're going to
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: have new babies and brothers, or they're going to have
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: a death in the family, and if those things bring
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: them comfort and they soothe them, it's tough. Um. So
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: I think it's really meaning your child where they're at
• 51:21
  Speaker 1: and try to really work with a school. Um. I know,
• 51:24
  Speaker 1: I'm a mom and I when we moved to California,
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: my daughter was in third grade and was having a
• 51:28
  Speaker 1: tough time and we ended up having a hamster in
• 51:30
  Speaker 1: the science lab that it really helped her to kind
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: of connect friendships and to talk to people. And I
• 51:35
  Speaker 1: worked with a school in order to make that happen.
• 51:37
  Speaker 1: I mean ended up being like the highlight of the
• 51:39
  Speaker 1: third grade as well too. UM. But it's thinking beyond
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: just sort of what the structure of the school looks
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: like and seeing if they can really work with you
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: to accommodate your family. Did you talk to the actual teacher?
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: Did you talk to the headmaster? Like what was the way?
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: What was your approach to actually make that happen? Um?
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: I actually did both. UM. I have an introverted child.
• 52:03
  Speaker 1: I gave them Susan Kaine's book on Quiet and talk
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: to them about just you know, this is overwhelming for
• 52:09
  Speaker 1: her to being kind of a new environment and UM
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: and really advocated for her as a as a parent
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: to help her and said, hey, you know, how can
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: we sort of set this up her success and in
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: order to kind of have her connect with people in
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: different ways? And so snowball became the popular animal to
• 52:25
  Speaker 1: be taking home on the weekends. UM. And it became
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: something that was a tradition and people knew that that
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: was my daughter's Hamstern really allowed her just to to
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: to thrive. We've talked about the about younger children, what
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: about teenagers that are kind of suffering um from anxiety, Like, uh,
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: a fifteen year old who's not sleeping, or a fifteen
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: year old who's moved to a new location and they're
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: now having this Like, what are ways that that we
• 52:51
  Speaker 1: can help our teenagers, especially when they're like I don't
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: like the therapist you took me to and it happens repeatedly. Right, So, unfortunately,
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: one third of our teenagers ages thirteen to eighteen are
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: going to experience anxiety. We know that college freshmen statistics
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: are forty one. We're seeing rates going through the roof
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: for our our youth at this point. I mean, anxiety
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: is a real problem for them. Um, and it's hard
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: because they're around it so much and there's so much
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: conversation around it that actually even causes more anxiety. UM.
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: So it again, I think it's really about educating them.
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: I work with a ton of teenagers and they feel
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: so empowered to really understand how their bodies and brains
• 53:36
  Speaker 1: are working and learning coping skills in order to kind
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: of manage that. So, whether it's pinky breathing in order
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: for them to learn abdomen breaths, um, whether it's using imagery,
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: whether it's doing various techniques tooling them up in order
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: for them to keep grabbing at things in order to
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: calm them down. Um. The other really interesting thing that
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: I brought up earlier too, is about labeling emotions. Had
• 54:00
  Speaker 1: so many kids come in and they're telling me they
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: have a panic attack before they're going to their first
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: dance or their prom or their first kiss, and they've
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: labeled that as something that's scary and terrifying versus something
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: that's so exciting. And so we really have to kind
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: of shift them to understand that they have a capacity
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: to have more feelings than just four and that is
• 54:22
  Speaker 1: okay for them to feel exciting, to have heart palpitations,
• 54:25
  Speaker 1: and to be nervous about a first kiss. That's a
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: good thing. And we've got to kind of start warring
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: our brains in that way. How do you know, as
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: a parent, though, if your child is just having that nervous,
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: excited energy, like I know if I'm about to go,
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: like speak to a group of people, or that I'm
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: not having anxiety. I'm excited, and that's a good thing,
• 54:42
  Speaker 1: and it means that I'm going to deliver well. That
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: being said for a kid or you know, a teenager
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: who could possibly be having like a true blown panic attack.
• 54:54
  Speaker 1: How do you know if that's happening versus the other.
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that they're not having a panic attack
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: about going to the prom. I'm saying that they have
• 55:03
  Speaker 1: actually not allowed themselves to even imagine the fact that
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: they could feel excited. They've just kind of limited their
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: feeling states to just these few things. UM. That's one
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: of the really big issues. But the other issue, to
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: your point, is just the amount of pressure we've got
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: to take the pressure off for these kids. They have.
• 55:18
  Speaker 1: They feel like they have to have everything figure it out.
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: They have to be masters, they have to know where
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: they're going to college, they have to be experts in
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: their sports. Single sports that they're having burnout, um, they're
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: having injuries, um. And and we have to kind of
• 55:33
  Speaker 1: say it's okay if you're not getting the A, it's
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: okay if you're not being the top athlete. It's okay
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: if you're not you know, succeeding at everything. They just
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: feel this tremendous amount of pressure. So we really need
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: to be able to hold the emotions that they're not
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: able to carry. That's our job as parents. UM. And
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: in order to help them launch and in closing, because
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: I know we're running out of time, what would you
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: say the key piece of advice you could give to
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: any parent out there on anything in regarding this topic,
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: like the one takeaway, The one takeaway, it's just really
• 56:05
  Speaker 1: about being curious about your children, understanding and connecting with them,
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: and being present with them to really to really to
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: really allow them to feel like they have a safe
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: space that they can really talk about their feelings, they
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: can talk about things that are hard um and then
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: really trying to teach them how to resource and come
• 56:24
  Speaker 1: up with solutions to combat these issues that they're not
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: carrying around these nervous states and their bodies all the time.
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: That's a good takeaway, absolutely, and I think it's a
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: good thing for us to think about too. I mean,
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: how often do we think we're present but we're not
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: necessarily present as parenting all the time. I'm like, I'm like,
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: because it has you know, sometimes like I'm like, Okay,
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: I'm putting the phone completely down, it's our time, we're
• 56:53
  Speaker 1: doing this, and then my mind will wander and I'm
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: not actually fully my body is there and I'm not
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: looking up the phone, but I need to, you know,
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: continue and I write that down like as like in
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: my goals or like my daily goals is like be present.
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: And I have the same thing with adults with everything,
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: and so I think that's such a huge thing for
• 57:14
  Speaker 1: all of us to think about, is like really figure
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: out a way that works for you that you can
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: be present when you're doing things. If not, we're just
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: going through the motions and like not really living the
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: life that we want to live. And I think to
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: your point, like being present in ways that like you
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: feel like you can be present for like I don't
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: know if that's like if you're you can sit down
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: and play old made with your kids or legos or
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: whatever are something that like you can actually in engage
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: with as well. So it's it's so it's sort of fun.
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: So it's no, like I'm not a craft gal, Like
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: I'm not the one that like wins the like our
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: kids never win craft day because I'm not the mom
• 57:50
  Speaker 1: that's like gonna be killing it at that. But like
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: I love to like take my family and like family
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: hikes or we play soccer, or we're doing you know,
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: bike rides those types of things. Whe we can laugh
• 58:00
  Speaker 1: talk about our favorite songs like that for me is
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: my like best way to just spend time with the kids.
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: But I know some moms who can get down on
• 58:10
  Speaker 1: the ground and like they can honestly play barbies for
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: two hours. That's not my strong suit. So it's kind
• 58:14
  Speaker 1: of knowing your strong suit and formulating around it, right,
• 58:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, at least that's what I'm telling myself. I
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: think you're making a great point too, because it may
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: be that your family is a ping pong family, or
• 58:26
  Speaker 1: you may be swimmers, or you maybe having Friday night
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: game nights. Um. And also to you, using humor is
• 58:34
  Speaker 1: so important for kids. Um, so just laughing. You mentioned
• 58:38
  Speaker 1: that it's just so important. So have fun, be present,
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: do things together, try not to take ourselves too seriously.
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, you guys, thank you so much for
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: coming on today. I truly appreciate it. And I think
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: we I think we got through a lot of the questions.
• 58:53
  Speaker 1: I think we we we hammered through. So I hope
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: you guys keep sending in your questions no matter what
• 58:58
  Speaker 1: the topic is, we will get to it. I love this,
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: So thank you guys for listening, and I'll talk to
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: you next week. Thanks for listening. Subscribe to Teddy t
• 59:07
  Speaker 1: Pot on I Heart Radio, or wherever you listen to podcasts.