Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 30, Season 1: That's My Life: Part II - The Rising of the Phoenix

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Episode 30, Season 1: That's My Life: Part II - The Rising of the Phoenix · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcomed to the Love Doc podcast.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: I am your co host Raina Butcher here with our host,
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: doctor Sarah Hensley, the owner and CEO of the Dating
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: Decoder What's Up. What's Up soon to be the love
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Doc relationship coaching services.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: We are rebranding. We started with the pod and then
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: the Dating Decoder is gonna fade away and be replaced
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: with the Love Doc, which is the same business, just
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: different name.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: That's right, So don't worry. Nothing's going away. Everything's gonna
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: be the same. It's just gonna be a different the
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: cooler it is. It's gonna be a better merch. It's
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: gonna be better, it's gonna be bigger, it's gonna be better.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: It's gonna be it's gonna be awesome, so awesome. Yes,
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: moving on up. And speaking of moving on up, Hey, Hey, Hey,
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: First and foremost, we want to thank our sponsor of
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: this podcast, Cozy Earth.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: So obsessed with you, Cozy Earth. We are, I mean
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• 1:59
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• 2:09
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• 3:16
  Speaker 1: And they're very nice. I love their socks.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, Yes, so great Christmas present for sure. So episode
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: thirty and we are it's a two be continued episode
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: from our last episode, episode twenty nine, and this one
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: is titled That's My Life, The Rising of the Phoenix
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: because this is the story, you know, last episode was
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: You're kind of the story of how your life unfolded
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: and then sort of fell apart, and this is the
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: story of your comeback.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I kind of rushed at the end, so I'm
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: just kinda kind of redcliff notes version. Yeah, I gave
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: the cliff notes version. So where I ended was right
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: before I said where I stopped speeding it up was
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: right before my ex died.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: So yeah, in fact, you were right at the nervous breakdown. Yeah.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let me back up from the nervous breakdown. So basically,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: getting back together with my ex husband ended in the
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: worst abuse cycle we had ever had in an EPO.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: We ended up having him to do third party exchanges
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: through my parents' house. I went into do a We
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: ended up sort of reopening our case and doing a
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: custody battle because at this point I realized that the
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: drinking was so bad that he was actually being very
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: unsafe with our children in terms of drinking and driving,
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: et cetera. And I mean I was just watching him
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: fall apart. He ended up losing his job because I
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: don't really know what went down there. I don't know
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: why I think he and ended up having so many
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: physical problems for alcohol. He was hospitalized like three different
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: times for gi bleeds, which one of them almost killed him.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: The second one that he had he had while he
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: was in the hospital from post surgery from the first one,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: and if he hadn't been in the hospital, he would
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: have been dead then. But he didn't live too much
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: long after that. I was nating a da who also
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: was in Somerset, who was an acquaintance of my ex husband.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: So that was dumb because that probably caused him a
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: lot of psychological pain, sure, and I regret that a lot.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: And he had met somebody still having an affair with
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: the first thing he was having an affair with me
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: with while being with this new person, ended up marrying
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: new person. They had a very very tumultuous relationship. But
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I don't want her a feel thrown under the bus,
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: so I'm not going to go into that. But he
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: marrid or six weeks before he died. They went off
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: to Vegas and got married and he switched over all
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: the life insurance and unbeknownst to me, during this time,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: he started using opiates. I think to get out of alcohol.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: I think that's.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Why was it like a sybox situation.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: No, I mean it was oxygon Oh it was, yeah,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: And he had partied with oxygonin in early days, and
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: I did not see that as a red flag, all right,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: But it wasn't an issue during our marriage really. I
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: mean there was one or two times where he had
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: gone out and I knew he had gotten high, and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: it was a big blow up. But he wasn't like
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: an addict during our marriage, you know, it wasn't like
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: he really wasn't in terms of the drugs now, the alcohol, absolutely,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: but she didn't know the signs, Like he couldn't be
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: high in front of me because I'm like, your pupils
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: are like the size of a pinpoint.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: Knew you knew.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: I was smart enough to know, well, you've married, you've married,
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: what have you taken?
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I knew you couldn't get away with that. But she
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: didn't know. Yeah, yeah, And so I don't blame her
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: that she didn't know.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: Well, in her defense, again not to completely throw her
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: under the bus, I really felt like one she loved him,
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: of course she did, she did, yeah, and that like
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: she really wanted to be his savior. She wanted to
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: save him, and she felt like she could. We all
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: did that, you could, yeah, And she felt like she
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: could in a sense of like by being that really soft, submissive,
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: you know type wife. But that doesn't work.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Either, not with an addict. It doesn't, no, because they.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Need tough love. I mean, they have to have to
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: love to a certain degree.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: And that's what I gave in the marriage. But it
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: also made him resent the hell out of me, right
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: because then I was I was it was a parentified relationship.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: Then I was acting as his parent, and there was
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: so much resentment built up over the years over that.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: I mean, let's be honest, the only relationship that really
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: gets you out of addiction is God, sure, for sure.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: And he tried, and she was very very strong Christian
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: and she really tried to show him the way and
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: he did. And I'm very grateful for that because I
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: do think that he tried to come to Jesus and
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: for that I could owe her his salvation, you know,
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: like her being in his life could have been the
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: reason why he had true salvation because he was a believer.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: But I'm not sure he was really a believer when
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: we were married.
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: You know, he was really trying at that time.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: He was trying.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: He really saw that, you know, he was kind of spiraling.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: He did, and I think he was trying his absolute best,
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: and I think that he had turned over a little
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: bit more of a leaf. He had turned over a
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: leaf towards me. So we had no contact for quite.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: A long time.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: And then when she kind of came into his life
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: more permanently and he moved in with her, I was
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: we were allowing more custody, and I was around him
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: a little bit because I wasn't the target.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Anymore, right, right.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I wasn't the target of the abuse anymore. And I
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: was really grateful for that. He was actually good to
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: me at the end of our lives, at the end
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: of his life. I think that was one of the
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: saddest things for me, was like at the very end
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: he was actually.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Nice to me. Yeah, things that we're getting better.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: He was like he had been worn down and broken
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: down and he couldn't he couldn't uphold that tough exterior.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: And I remember the day that he died, I sent
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: him a picture of It was picture day and our
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: youngest preschool and I sent him this picture and he
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: was like, she looks just like Asherbeth, which is one
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: of his cousins.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: And which girl was it was?
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: It? It was Lexi and he's like, she is, She's
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: we really made a really beautiful child, and like that
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: was like the last thing that he ever said to me. Wow,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: And it was a nice thing. Yeah, you know, and
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: I'm so thankful for that. I'm so thankful that the
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: last interaction was peaceful and kind.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: Something about your children the one thing, yea, yeah, you
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: could always agree on.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And so you know, my daughter was telling me that,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: you know, things were still not good, and we were
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: in the court system and we were still kind of
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: battling it out, and we had just gone to a
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: mediation because our trial I got pushed back, our custody
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: trial I got pushed back, and so we went for
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: like a temporary I was like, I can't wait. We've
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: got to have some things in place here, you know,
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Like I still wanted breathalyzers, I wanted things. I was
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: trying to give him every chance in the world to
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: be a good dad. So we went to mediation, we
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: got some things in place, and then two weeks later
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: he died. And he died sitting in his truck paying bills.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I think I mentioned that at one point, and his
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: uncle was the deputy sheriff who found him. He was
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: like in a random parking lot and he had just
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: gotten high and he was under the influence of alcohol
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: and his heart gave out killed him. So I was
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: the last to know to everybody knew before me. I
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: knew you even knew before me.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because the guy that you were dating at the
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: time called me. Yeah, because we knew it well. And
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: I think again, in his defense, it wasn't the right move.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: It wasn't the right to talk about that. Yeah, the relationship, Yeah,
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: he but he did. He called me first because I
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: think he was trying to like mentally prepare for what, how,
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: what your reaction was going to be.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing. He had already broke up with
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: me when my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: four weeks earlier. So about a month earlier, my mom
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We had gotten in a
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: fight over him being a definite DA once again. We
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: had gotten in a fight about how he wasn't meeting
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: my needs and I was being very fa and it
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: was very critical, and we had gotten in a fight
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: and then I was supposed to go down there and
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: we were supposed to talk about it, so we hadn't
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Like it was very unclear if we were broken up
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: or not. I feel like it was always unclear it
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: was and I couldn't never tell I didn't know either.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: And so I get to his house. We have this
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: great conversation. I'm thinking, Okay, we're fine. Then I get
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: this phone call from my mom because she wasn't feeling well,
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: so she was going to go to like urgent care.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: She ended up going to the er, and then I
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: get a call from the emergency room doctor that she
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: had a tumor on her pancrea, which pancreatic cancer. You
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: think you know it's a destence survival right, And so
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: that after that phone call, he totally changed, Oh my gosh,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you just need to just have the conversation. Just had
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: the conversation.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: So typical.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: This is a typical DA because the emotionality associated with that,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: he immediately knew he couldn't handle. Immediately overwhelmed, uncomfortable. I
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: don't and das are the ones that leave when you
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: get sick. If the if you're gonna have a partner
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: that's gonna leave and you're gonna get cancer. It's going
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: to be a da babe, right because it can't handle it.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: They see it to such weakness and they don't want
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: anybody to have to rely on them. They only want
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: to be with somebody that they feel like has strong
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: self reliance, reliance and is you know, has a strong
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: relationship to self and can really be very independent. And
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: so he was just out. Yeah, And I remember driving
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: home and being like, are you eving kidding me?
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: I have to go home and talk to my mom,
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: who just basically got a death sentence, who was the
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: only person who had ever been there for me in
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: my entire life. Yeah, consistently, consistently. My ex husband was
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: a mess, right, going through major legal battles, trying to
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: raise these kids that are being exposed to things that
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: shouldn't be exposed to from him. Then he was just like,
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: you just need to focus on your mom right now.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Don't worry about us, Just focus on your mom. Focus
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: on your mom. That was his way of getting out.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, how convenient.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: Thanks, Yeah, but again I forgive yeah again, Well, you
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: know that's that was his capacity, that was his capacity.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: He couldn't do it, and he knew he couldn't do it,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: but then also still tried to have a situation and
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: shippish dynamic with me, And it really tortured me for
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: about a month because my mom was just plummeted into okay,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: you have to have this major surgery. Luckily she was
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: a candidate for the Whipple. The Whipple was successful, the
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: really high dose chemo and radiation was successful, and we
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: are coming up on the five year mark cancer free.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: That is amazing, I know it. I mean it's like
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: it's a miracle.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: She's a miracle.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah she is.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: But also she dedicated her life to the Lord, and
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: I believe God healed.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Her absolutely because I think he did that for you too.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: I think maybe so, Yeah, I really do.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: And that month he tortured me, I know, I remember,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: because I was like, why are you talking to me?
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: If you don't want to be in a relationship with me?
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Why are you talking to me? You know what I'm
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: going through And you're not even being supportive.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're just like, hey, how's it going are you?
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: Okay? It was very surface level, so surface level, and
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I was like, just leave me alone at this point.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: At one point, I was like just leave me alone.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: And then the freaking audacity of the night that my
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: ex died, everybody was telling him, go up there, go
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: up there. Yeah, you were only four weeks out from
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: this relationship, right, go up there. Her mom has cancer
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: and her father for kids just died. She just doesn't
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: have anybody go up there. And he was like, no, no,
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: we're not like that. We're not We're not there anymore.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: And that was his response, and said, he calls me, yeah,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: I know that.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: He sounds like another day. Let me put this off
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: on somebody else, because I don't want to deal with it.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, instead of calling me, he calls you yeah and
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: tells you yeah.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: So then I, you know, then I have to deal
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: with it.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: Because he was in the small town. He was in Summrset.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: I just found out. It was like it was literally,
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: don't it was maybe I remember I was on my way,
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: you know, but he had.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: Just hung out. We had I just came to Jazzer side.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Because i'd left Jazzer says. I just left Jazzer says,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: and I was I'll never forget. It's like, you know
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: those moments that you have, like big things having in
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: your life. Yeah, exactly, sure you were going what you
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: were doing, so i'd left Jazzer Size you would come
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: to the class. I did, and I was on my
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: way to meet my dad for dinner. And so I
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: just pulled up in the parking lot to meet my
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: dad for dinner, and I saw a message on Facebook
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: from him that said call me. This is not good.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, oh gosh, oh no, you know, and
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: I didn't know, Like, I'm like, I didn't know if
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: something had happened with you or and so of course
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: I meet I immediately call him, like on Facebook messenger,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: and that's when he told me. And then it wasn't
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: ten minutes later that you called me.
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So my mom called me because his mom had
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: called my mom. And then my mom calls me, and
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: I had just my mom was watching No, how did
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: this work? I think? I guess I had Lexi with me?
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: So was your mom who told you?
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah? Ultimately, and I was on the way home, and
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: I'm I'm glad that she told me, but also I
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: kind of wish that I had been not driving. Yeah,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: I'm sure for some weird reason, I had Lexi, But
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: I don't remember Lexi being at Jazzer Size but maybe.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe I swung by and picked her up. I don't remember,
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: but maybe she was there with you.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I must have swung by my mom. See, a
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: lot of that night is very foggy. It's extremely foggy.
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: The moment I've found out and immediately after I remember
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: crystal clear, But before that, I don't remember that much.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: Born after, I must have swung by and got Lexi
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: from my mom. My brother was at my house with
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Gabby because my brother was in town for my mom's
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: first chemo appointment that and thank god that was also
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: a grace from God. And my brother was in town
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: because my brother is very logical, very rational, very good
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: in a crisis, Like my brother is the person you
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: want in a crisis. So clearly this was a crisis,
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: really think, very clearly. He is very action oriented. He
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: was extremely logical person.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because he was the one that got us all together.
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: It was me, you, him, Casey, Casey afterwards the house
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: right where we were just making sure that you were
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: fed and the girls were okay and all that.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I've swung by and picked up Lexi, but
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: she had not must have not got the call yet.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: And then I was headed to my house where Gabby
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: and my brother were. She calls me on the way
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: to my house, which is just like a six minute drive. Yeah,
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: my mom and I lived like six minutes apart. And
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: she said, Sarah, something's happened. And I said, oh, my god,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: what did he do now? And she goes the worst
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: thing and I said what and she goes, He's dead
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: and I said how and she goes overdose. And I
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: remember I was on Todd's road and I just stopped
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: in the middle of the road.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I'm sure I just stopped.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I just stopped
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: and I just sat there and like cars are like
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: going around me, and I'm like, I don't know what
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: to do. And then she told me go home. Your
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: brother's there. We'll meet you there. But I turned around
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: and went back to her house. And that wasn't the instructions, right.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know why I thought I needed to turn
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: around and go back, but I did. And then I
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: walked in the door and I remember my dad. I
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: was crying and I was just like, what what are
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: you sure? Like what? And my dad goes, oh, Sarah,
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: stop being so dramatic. You didn't like him. Anyway, so
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: my dad said, and my mom had handed me too
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: out of vans and a can of sparkling water to
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: wash it down with. And I threw that can of
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: sparkling water right at my dad.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: Good for you. She was a cripple old man, but still,
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: but that was like him, Yeah, what a low blow
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: at like a really really low moment.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And that was just it was to me, like
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: looking back on that moment, it was the way he
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: had rejected my emotions over and over and over and
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: over again. You're just dramatic. You're just two worked up.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: You were making something out of nothing. Your children's father
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: had just not how much he had dementia. Yeah, he
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: had no filter. He was probably high on his own mess.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah he was a Yeah.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I mean talk about somebody with no capacity, right, zero
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: capacity to think or move basically. And then I remember
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: driving home and my brother being there. Remember my brother
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: giving me a cannabis gummy after I had taken two
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: adaman because he had brought them from my mom because
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: she was thrown up chemo, so he brought them from
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: my mom. Is legal in Illinois, where he lives. I
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: had never had a cannabis gummy before I remember, so
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: I was knocked though out.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was kind of a blur.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: He said, I'm gonna put kids to bed, ordered my kids.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: Did we order a pizza? I have no memory of that.
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: We ordered a pizza.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: I have no memory of the pizza.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: And then we're just like sett in a pow wow
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: on the floor. It was like and like you just
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: cried like the rest of the night.
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: I don't remember any of them. Yeah, I remember you
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: guys tucking me in.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: Yep, I remember that too, But for a minute, like
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: it was like we all stayed up, we talked and
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: let you just kind of vent and get it all out.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: We ordered the pizza, like, and the four of us
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: just kind of set in a pow wow on the floor.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't remember eating a pizza. All right, I'm
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: getting a little bit of emotional.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: It's okay, It's okay. It is emotional.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: Because all I can think about is how heck am
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: I gonna tell Cappy?
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: I remember, I think that was your biggest concern.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: Honestly, I could live without him, all right, sure, but
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: how am I gonna say? How am I gonna tell
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: her my daughter Dad's dead? So I called her therapist
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: because she was in therapy because of him being an
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: alcoholic and all this stuff. The next day, I didn't
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: wake up to like two o'clock the next day, I
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: mean my brother had taken the kids to school, and
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: I just woke up in a fog, and I like
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: did not know what was going on. I was like,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: I guess this really happened, like and I called her
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: therapist and we got her an appointment, and my mom
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: and me took her and then we told her a therapist,
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: which is the worst memory of my whole life. That's
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: the worst. The look on her face is just like
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: I will never ever ever get that look out of
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: my brain ever. Just a complete terror and shock.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: And then we started the uh Sarah's downward spiral unto
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: one ended up into the nervous breakdown, which was I
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: just there were so because if somebody doesn't have a will,
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: their estate is a mess.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: If they don't have a trust, yeah, will do it.
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, No, you have to have a trust, which is
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: what I have now, thank God. So the very first
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: thing my brother took on was, well, Sarah, don't worry.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: He has five hundred thousand dollars of life insurance. You
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: and the girls are going to be okay. Remember you
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: all have life insurance, right. And I remember when he
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: was hospitalized, like a month earlier, or maybe a month
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: and a half earlier, I said, we still have this policy.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: It's still my policy, right, and he's like, yeah, he
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: switched it all over to new wife.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know. That was a that was a that
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: was a blow blow.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Te And I guess some of the policies he's let
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: expire because there were several policies, but a couple he didn't,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: So we didn't see any of that money, which is
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: fine that at that time, that was like, it was
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: a lot. It was like, how am I going to
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: arrest these kids? What am I going to do?
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: But thank goodness for Social Security death benefits? And then
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: I just spiraled. I was not eating, I was over exercising.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: I was the caregiver of your mother, the caregiver of
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: my mom too, grieving children.
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: While you're grieving.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I was very quickly running out of money because I
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: had spent stressing Dad on the custody battle. I did
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: have a somewhat stressful, stressful job. And then one day
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: about so that was the end of September. It was
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: the end of January. Oh huh, huh, the DA came
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: came back.
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: No, right, yeah, I feel like he came in and
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: out a lot.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: I can't even keep up with that time.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: We did New Years together.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: Uh huh.
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. He was like, I can't be without you. I
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: want to be with you, and I was like, oh,
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: thank god, I have somebody I can lean into.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: That lasted like.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: Three weeks two point two seconds.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: Because everything he said he was going to do, like
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: just call me every day, dude, Yeah, I remember, couldn't
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: do it. I couldn't just pick up the damn phone
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: and give me a call. At the literal lowest point
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: in my life. He was like, I don't know, I'm
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: so busy.
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: That was always his excuse. I just I'm so busy.
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, let me give you a little insight to
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: yourself if this dude ever listens to this. And he
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: was not a horrible person.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: He's not a good person.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: He's a good person. So I don't hate on him.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: But dude, your workaholism is what you use to distract
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: yourself from feeling any real feelings. And everything I can
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: do actually participate in an intimate relationship. So just so
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: you know that. Okay, here we go.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so he was a business owner.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I'm a business owner.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: But guess what, you you prioritize your husband.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I prioritize my husband every day.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, every single day because you know
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: it's important.
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: And I bet my business makes more money is businesses?
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Absolutely, which is you know.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: No, I shouldn't bribe about that, but it's just making
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: a point like, if you really want to do it,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: you can do it. Yes, especially when you're the freaking owner. Yeah,
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: when you're the owner operator, guess what, you're your own boss.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: He was just distracting himself.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: He was distracting himself, and I think my emotionality once
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: again was too much.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: Well and knowing what you know now, you know, I
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: mean again, back then, you still had all the knowledge,
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: even all the knowledge.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: No, you studied it, execute.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you'd studied it. You had all the knowledge in
• 27:49
  Speaker 2: the world, maybe more knowledge than I mean the average person.
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: We're still you still spiraled. I did and hit rock bottom.
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: I did, and I mean I even remember, I can't remember.
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: I knew it was bad. I mean I knew it
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: was bad anyway, but I knew it was really bad
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: when it was like in the middle of the day
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: one day, I think the girls were at school. And
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: this was during COVID too, which added to.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: Way, so we were all locked down.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it all. COVID added to the stress of it.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: But so I was working from home and you you
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: stopped by, like it was like three o'clock or two o'clock,
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: I don't remember, but and you you just came to
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: my front door and you were shaking. You were shaking
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: like a leaf, and like, I mean it really I
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: can think about like that image and if you can
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: think about what somebody would look like who was on
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: the verge of a nervous breakdown, like that's where you were, yea.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: And I knew it was bad. And then I knew
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: it was bad when you called me and you were
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: like I want to like I want to die, and
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: that's when you had gotten sick.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so the breakup was, you know, it was like
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: the final straw. Like I was so resentful because I
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: was like, how could you spend a year and a
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: half with somebody and then at the lowest point in
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: their life you can't even give them a call During
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: the day, it just didn't make any sense to me.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: But even though but knowing he's a DA, right, but
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: me not knowing how to be secure myself. So if
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: I knew all this knowledge, this is why knowledge doesn't
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: equal healing. And I say this all the time. If
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: you go to a counselor or a coach and all
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: they're doing is giving you more information about how you're
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: screwed up, that does not help you fix it, all right,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: It doesn't because these are deep, ingrained patterns in the brain.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: And if you don't know how to shift and like
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: literally rewire your brain towards something new, you're just going
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: to keep going down those old groups, those old pathways.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: So that was my problem. My actual well arrogance was like, well,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: I know he's a DA and I know what das
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: want need, so I'm just going to give up to him.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: And I think that's probably why he kept coming back
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: to me, because I was able to meet his needs.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah pretty well. But in the process I abandoned all.
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: Of my absolutely completely self abandoned.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Completely, self abandoned all on my needs. But he kept
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: coming back to me because I was probably the only
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: one that understood him.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: And that that kept you hanging on, because I mean
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: that sues the fas betrayal. That person just keeps coming
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: back and keeps coming back.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: Because I'm going to do better and you believe that.
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: Sooth no, right, Yeah. And so when I had, like
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: I was it was the final straw, I was like, dude, no, like,
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: I can't leave.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: Me alone, me alone? Yeah, And he stealed it and
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: he was still like, like your stuff and like look
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: at all your stuff.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: Did the da creep forever? Yeah? I did the da
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: creep forever until I think I had you tell him, like,
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: just leave re alone, dude, Yeah, just stop, yeah, just stop.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: Like you're causing more pain than you are good because
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: you are maintaining a connection that's not a real connection.
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, and it just it just hurts her.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: It's just hurtful at this point. So yeah. So then
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: I woke up one day at the end of January
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: and I couldn't see and it felt like I was
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: on a boat or like walking on a trampoline, and
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: I was like, what the heck is this?
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: And something else?
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and I went to the doctor and they said, oh,
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: you have flu in your ear, and no big deal,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: give you an antibiotic didn't help. Went to doctors again.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: They're like, well, your ears look fine. I don't know.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: It must be some kind of sinus issue or something.
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: They were gonna put me on all these meds. I
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: was like, it's not in my ears, something else is wrong.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: Went and got a CT scan, MRI scan, totally normal.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: They're like, we have no idea, so they made another
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: appointment at EMT. Finally went to EMT and this sweet EMT.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: It was actually your dad's doctor, doctor McNulty. Thank you
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: for giving me a diagnosis.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: She's helped me too.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: She was like, you have us to be their migraine
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: and we don't know what causes it, and we don't
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: know how to fix this, so sorry, but you can try.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: This med was basically it. She was very sweet, yeah,
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: but she was also very truthful that this is a
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: very box right, this is a rare form of migraine.
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: And then I did something really bad, which is I
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: bought a book on it. When I tell you, that
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: book freaked me out because it basically said, this book
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: set when you come down with vestibular migraine, your nervous
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: system is so broken that it's you've reached what's called
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: central central sensitization, which means that your brain is oversensitive,
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: like your brain has become so traumatized that it's just
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: the tiniest little stimulus is making it react into this
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: migraineous reaction. And I'm like, but it's twenty four to seven.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: And they said, once it's in this book, I think
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: I ended up burning it when I was better, because
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: it basically said this is lifelong because once it starts,
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: it's like a chain reaction and they just keep coming
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: and they keep coming and they keep coming, and once
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: you're in that come over and over and over again. Nobody,
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: we don't know how to get people out of it.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Here's some things you can try. Change your diet. They
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: put me on this super restrictive diet, remember else kidding?
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: I got yes, and you were like super crunchy.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: And like you were like I couldn't eat anything.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: No, and you like eliminated all chemicals all of your life.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: And again we've talked about this before. Sometimes the stress
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: of trying to do all those things just adds.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the stress of going down the holistic rabbit hole
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: to heal me was doing more harm than good because
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: it was all stress based. Yep, every single bit of
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: it was stress and trauma. And so I'm sitting here
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: trying to figure out, like how to heal my gut
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: when it's like, oh you get to hear your brain,
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: you hear your nervous system.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I figure out.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: How to actually process this trauma.
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 33:57
  Speaker 1: So of course I'm in therapy, you know. I kind
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: of feel like I tried everything. I tried a little AMDR,
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: just a little bit. It didn't do anything. I tried ART,
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: it didn't do anything. Which is accelerated resolution therapy for
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: serious trauma.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: What does that consist of? What does it look like?
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: It's like MDR, It's like the rapid eye movement, but
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: there's different components to it where you do like story reconstruction,
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: where you like change the ending of a story while
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: you're doing it, and all this other stuff was not
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: effective for me at all. I'm not saying it's not
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: for other people. It was not for me. So I
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: just I mean, I got down on my knees because
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: I remember I really wanted to die, and I told
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: you I wanted to die, but I knew I wouldn't
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: ever die because I had these girls and I was
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: never going to leave my girls. But I basically thought
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: I was going to be just in a prison sone,
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: like I was just going to be disabled.
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you were struggling working.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: I couldn't even work, couldn't look at a computer screen.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: It was I couldn't see a computer screen. I mean
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: it was. I was the struggle to just read like
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: one sentence on a sc so I couldn't see my phone.
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you were a professor, so you had.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: Like you of online of mostly online courses. Yeah.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a ship show. It was. It was.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: It was a tough thing.
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: And I went to so many doctors and then oh
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: my gosh, my ex mother in law, you just doctor hop,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: what is so wrong with you? Oh my gosh. She
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: was so awful to me.
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: And You're like, I'm just trying to figure out what's
• 35:21
  Speaker 2: wrong with me.
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. She's like, no, this is just you doing what
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: you do, which is trying to get all the attention
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: on you when your ex has just died. I'm like, fuck, no,
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: it's not.
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: It's really just trying to function.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: I thought I was having seizures too, because the auras
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: were so bad. The auras were like these bright light
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: electric lightning bolts in my head and through my eyeballs.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Those were what the auras for the micre and they
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: were happening many times a day, you know.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: And it's so sad that you did have to doctor hop,
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: which you know is a testament to our healthcare system,
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: because we just we break up the body in sections
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: when we really should look at it as a whole.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, for sure, and it's unfortunate.
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: It's not the doctor's fault.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: Not a single damn person looked at me and said,
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: you just went through a severe trauma and migraines are
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: a disease of an overtext nervous system. Not a single
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: fucking medical neurologists. Yeah, neurologists said, migraines surging. We oh,
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: we don't really know what causes migraines. You know what
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: I did. I went to the freaking literature on that ship,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: and I came across Alan Gordon tell me about your
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: painting his podcast, and I dove into his research and
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: I was like, that's what this is. This is fucking trauma. Okay,
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: mission mission ahead, God show me the way to heal this,
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: or heal it for me because I'm fucked. Pardon my language,
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: but I'm not one to use the F word very
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: often at all in my life. But I was fucked.
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah you were. I saw it. I mean I'm a
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: testament to it. In which we've said.
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: Before, I was up shit creek with no paddle for sure,
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: to quote my father, and I just I posted in
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: a mom's group met Ashley. We talked about that and
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: my walk with God. So you go back to that podcast,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: Our Walks with God, and you can hear that story
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: about God saved me, because God freaking saved me. But
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: it's worth mentioning God got me eighty percent there.
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but then I still but he gives you free will.
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: He gives you free will.
• 37:27
  Speaker 2: He wanted you to take.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: He wanted me to take the rest of the way.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: So that's when I like got really sciency and I
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: started reading articles on neuroplastic pain. I started reading articles
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: on attachment security in terms of how do you actually
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: heal attachment security because there's so many there's so much
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: good research on what it is, and then there's a
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: ton of research with everybody having a different approach to
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: what to do. So I started my journey of self experimentation,
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: And at first it was really rough because I took
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: all of this science and I was like desperately trying
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: all these different things, right, and then you get like
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: analysis paralysis of like trying so many things and really
• 38:11
  Speaker 1: wanting to see some quick results. So God again sort
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: of spoke to me, and he's like, it's simpler than this.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: Keep looking. So I really came across just the metacognition,
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: the metacognitive work of really taking authority of my thoughts,
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: which I was already really doing as a biblical principle.
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: But then I had to learn to process my emotions
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: while regulating my nervous system through processing. Because I thought
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: processing your emotions was just letting it out right, right,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: that's what we're told, like fetal position, like just cry
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: it out, just feel it, just feel through it. And
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about professionals and scientists saying that this is
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: how you process emotions.
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: It's more than that.
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: Nope, it is more than that. Yeah, that's when I
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: started coming across some science on processing emotions with neuroregulation,
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: so pairing feeling the experience with sending signals to your
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: body that you're safe. Because really the nervous system is
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: just afraid of its own emotional experiences. So gosh, dang,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: this ticklet my throat.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: You're talking a lot.
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So I started doing that. I started processing my
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: emotions and feeling my feelings while regulating and sending my
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: nervous system by sending signals to my brain that I
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: was safe while doing it. And that's when shit started
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: getting really better. Yeah, that's when I started feeling. That's
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: when the anxiety actually went away, like for the most part,
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: like it went away a lot, but not fully right.
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: And I started feeling it and I started letting. And
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: it was a conditioning. It's called classical conditioning, which is
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: the same thing as like the Pablo dog. If you
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: go look up Pavlov's dog, it's the same principle.
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: You're ecology went on one in college, you.
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: Know about Pavlov's dog. And I was like, oh my gosh,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: this makes this so much sense. Yeah, like, I'm feeling
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: my feelings, but I actually have to send my body
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: in brain signals.
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: You're giving me the nervous a different experience. You're retraining it.
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: And before what I was just doing was unregulating and
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: regulated feeling, which I thought is what emotional processing was,
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: and that's not it. That's not doesn't complete the cycle.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: And so that was the magic.
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that was the brain the magic.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: That was the capacity building. So we combined the metacognitive
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: work with the emotional processing and the regulation my faith
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: in God all combined, came out a totally different person.
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: And out here she is, folks.
• 40:49
  Speaker 1: And then took myself off the dating market for probably
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: solid almost a solid year.
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because I I just started dating Josh.
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: You had yeah, were all like, I want that. I
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: was like, I was like, but no, I want mission.
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah. You're like, no, it'll It'll come to me when
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: when it's time. And then you kept the faith.
• 41:09
  Speaker 1: I met my husband like right after that, and he's
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: the best thing besides God and my kids, you know,
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: for sure, the best thing that's ever happened to me.
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, And y'all are good. We're good.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: And then I started making tiktoks.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: You were like, well, I think you said I talking
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: about it, Yeah, And I think you ultimately you had
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: this goal in this mission where I remember you wanted
• 41:30
  Speaker 2: to do something different. When we had first met, you
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: were talking about you know that you wanted to dispread
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: your knowledge and help people. Even back then, which was
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: like eight years ago, right, but I think you, like
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: you started doing the tiktoks because you were like, I
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: can't keep all this power to myself. I have to
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: spread it to let people know. Yeah, because it is
• 41:51
  Speaker 2: like it's like breakthrough kind.
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: Of oh big time, yeah, big time. Yeah.
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: Where you know these really really smart professional that you
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: had even seen, weren't didn't know this, weren't giving you
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: the right tool.
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: I didn't know it. Yeah, and I went to school
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: for social psychology.
• 42:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I mean, you.
• 42:10
  Speaker 1: Know, social psychology is more about the science of human behavior.
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: It's not necessarily about emotional processing, right, right, right, But
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: even clinical psychologists saw them, they didn't I mean, they
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: were like, just feel it, and I'm like, I'm sobbing,
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: I'm screaming. Yeah, I'm not feeling any better.
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, if anything, I'm just maybe disregulating.
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: I think I'm worse.
• 42:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, I think you did get a little bit
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: worse before you.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: I did get the breakthrough, but it was really when
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: I went down the rabbit hole of emotional processing plus
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: the neuro regulation and how that classical conditioning of stimulus
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: with a response of safety was so big. Yeah, and
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: I mean and then everything I learned in psychology, it
• 42:54
  Speaker 1: just felt like came to a head of like, oh, yeah,
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: well I've known about that principle for twenty years. Yeah,
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: I understand the science behind classical conditioning and how you
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: pair stimulate stimulus with response, and you know all of
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: this stuff.
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: And like all the puzzle pieces started just fit perfect,
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: and now you get to teach it.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And then I started making TikTok, started getting a following,
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: and then it was really my husband who was like,
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: why don't you do this business because and I was like,
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know how to start a business. He's like,
• 43:20
  Speaker 1: I do, Yeah, I've done it before. I've had several businesses.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: He loves to start businesses. For a while and then
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: put him down, which is fine. Yeah, he's a retired vet.
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: He can do whatever he wants.
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: Rights.
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: And then yeah started, which was what two years ago
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: and a half years ago?
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and here you are with over a million followers. Yeah,
• 43:42
  Speaker 2: so she's got what you've got, a right, a million roughly, Yeah, TikTok. Yeah,
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: almost one hundred and fifty k on Facebook, almost one
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: hundred on Instagram.
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: Instagrams hard to grow Instagram, it it fell behind what's
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: the meta? YouTube is hard to super hard to but
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: the talk is where I started, you know, And I
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: didn't try on any of those other platforms. We just
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: started trying to grow this platform. So like when you
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: came on board, so yeah, it's been not very long.
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: Not even a year, not even a year. And you
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: had like twelve hundred on Instagram when I started, Yeah,
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: seven hundred on face.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah it was really pintiful.
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there was nothing, so we've it's just up from here, baby,
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: That's what I always say.
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: And then yeah, I am not ashamed and I shouldn't be,
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: although you know, to say that this is a million
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: dollar business.
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: Even the other night when Josh was like he got
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: the reservation for jeffreybe'z, he was like, what's this. I
• 44:43
  Speaker 2: was like, this is the Dating Decoder Christmas party, and
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: I was like, and Sara's paying because I've made that
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: bitch a.
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: Lot on miss She's like, I think you pay me
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: too much. I'm like, no, I really don't. I promise you,
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: I don't you. I owe so much of my success.
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: To generous though you're so generous.
• 44:58
  Speaker 1: I Oh, I feel like I owe so much of
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: my success to you.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: I mean so much fun though, Like it doesn't feel
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: like work because together.
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: Yes, I'm the brains and the face. Yeah I could,
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: but if you know the marketing and the landscape of
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: social media, and.
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: I just always say I'm highly organized, and so.
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: It's just super highly organized. And it's a super big
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: self starter. You have an older child who's very self sufficient,
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: and your husband works odd hours.
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: It was the perfect match, perfect match.
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: And I had to talk into you.
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: Did I don't know what I was thinking. Ever. I
• 45:32
  Speaker 2: can't believe I ever thought that I second guessed. I mean,
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: it's scary, right, Sure, you had a cushi government job.
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: It was a risk, yeah, And I had a kushy
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: government job that I could have stayed at for the
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: rest of my life and you know, probably eventually been
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: promoted to some degree. But it would have required travel,
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: you know, primarily working with a bunch of men who
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: were all great. Don't get me wrong, but I get
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: just total time freedom. Now I get to work whenever
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: I want to work. I don't have to answer to
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: anybody else. It's beautiful, and I get to do something
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: that I truly love and honestly, and I'm laid back.
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: I know you are laid back.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: Whatever you do, what you think it's best, Honey, I
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: trust you.
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: I always feel like we're like we really are great
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: at like just building each other up. Yeah, you know,
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: And so it just starts well, and I cannot believe
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: that I ever ever second guessed it. And I really
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: think that, you know, I think back to the eighty
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: eight years ago when we did meet each other, you know,
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: and I was I just lost my mom and there
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: was a lot of stuff going on, and just all
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: the shit that you and I have been through, you know,
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: And again, life traumatizes us all. We all have our story,
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: but our stories are so similar.
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: So and there's a lot of private details we're not
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: telling people lots, and some of them are eerily very tragic,
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: but also similar.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, And I just have to say, like, it gives
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: me goosebumps when I think about it, because that small
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: encounter in jazz er size eight years ago right let
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: us to exactly where we were meant to be, this
• 47:07
  Speaker 2: space which is right here, right and where we get
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: to help other people, and we get to help other
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: people by telling our story yeah, which is super healing.
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: It's super cathartic for us. And then I mean, I
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: know I say it all the time because I talked
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: to so many people that call and you know, want
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: to know about your services or just ask questions, and
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: you know, to be able to talk to people and
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: hear them say, you know, thank you all so much
• 47:32
  Speaker 2: for what y'all are doing.
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: It's so it's get that in my group, I probably
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: gowarding three or four people last night just say, you
• 47:40
  Speaker 1: have no idea how much you're helping me, Like my
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: relationship is already so much different just from the first
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: two weeks of this group. Amazing, And yeah, when I
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: hear that.
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: It just it really it makes everything work.
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I think I think part of the reason
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: I've been so successful is I offer something that nobody
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: else is literal really.
• 48:00
  Speaker 2: Offering right now.
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: You know, I bought courses on achieving attachment security. I bought,
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: I bought into a ton of crap I did. None
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: of it helped me. And it's not what I teach,
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: right Yeah, because it doesn't work because it's just more knowledge.
• 48:16
  Speaker 2: Well, and I tell people when I'm selling you, and
• 48:19
  Speaker 2: I say selling you, but it's not yours. It becomes
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: very easy to me to sell you one because I
• 48:24
  Speaker 2: know you so well, I know your story. But you
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: really are this triple threat because in terms of the
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: industry that you're in, because one, you do have the education,
• 48:34
  Speaker 2: so you have the credibility. Two, you have the real
• 48:38
  Speaker 2: life experience, which gives you immense credibility. But then the
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: true triple threat is that you're a teacher. I've been
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: teaching my home, and teaching is a gift right like
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: you either have it or you don't. And so to
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: be able to take your education experience and your real
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: life experience and put it together into this beautiful, beautifully
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: wrapped package and then share that with the world. I
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: know I've said it again, but I'll say it again,
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: like I'll say it over and over and I'll never
• 49:08
  Speaker 2: stop saying it, Like you're getting you're getting a chance
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: to save the world. And it's a beautiful thing, your
• 49:14
  Speaker 2: little little space here in this life, in this world,
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: and it's all the glory is to God, all of it,
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: but a beautiful gift of it. What a beautiful gift
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: to be able to do that. And I'm just so
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: eternally grateful that I get to just walk in your
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: shadow and do it. I mean, really, I am, and
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: I just I can't say it enough. I just I can't.
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: I Sometimes I think, am I Am I being grateful enough?
• 49:38
  Speaker 2: Am I? Oh?
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: Am I showing Sarah that I'm always? Like?
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: Am I paying right now? Enough? That's what I think.
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, she works so much hard? No, no, but
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: you know, the coaching aspect, it is emotionally hard.
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: It's hard, That's what I was going to say. You know,
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: it's it may being able to talk to people and
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: talk to the people that follow you and your loyal
• 49:57
  Speaker 2: followers and the people that are listening, you know, to
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: this pod cast every week. Thank you so you each
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: and ever. It makes it worth it because it is hard.
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: It's hard to take on the emotions of other people
• 50:10
  Speaker 2: and try to fix it. So we just thank you all.
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: We thank you all so much. Thank you for yeah,
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: giving us this life, giving me just the time of
• 50:19
  Speaker 2: the day.
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, I mean, I never want to think
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: that I'm better than I am. I want to stay humble,
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: I want to stay grounded, and I know I am
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: a lifelong learner and I always have things I can
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: do to improve and ways that I can learn, and
• 50:36
  Speaker 1: that is my goal to constantly learn, constantly improve, constantly
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: provide the best service that I can to people, and
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: to truly help people have healthy love. That's all. That's
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: all I want, because it's all that God put on me,
• 50:49
  Speaker 1: and so that's my mission to fulfill. And I want
• 50:52
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