Latest / Harder Than Life / 164: I Buried My Pain for 40 Years. Here’s What Finally Healed Me

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164: I Buried My Pain for 40 Years. Here’s What Finally Healed Me · Harder Than Life

• 0:07
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:23
  Welcome back to the harder life podcast where we get real about life's hardest moments and learn how to transform them into greatest strengths. Today's episode is deeply personal, more vulnerable and raw than anything I've shared publicly before.
• 0:41
  If you ever felt lost, abandoned, betrayed, or trapped by your past, this is your invitation to listen closely because I've walked that path too. And I'm going to show you how I turn pain into power and how you can too. It's not been an easy journey, but I'm gonna share as much of these steps as I possibly can with you. I wrote a lot about it in my first book, Harder Than Life.
• 1:05
  But afterwards, my dearest sister, who's nine years older than me, who can remember more about our childhood trauma than I did, reminded me, that's all you remember? And she told me more. So I'm going to share some more stories with you and then how we turn it into power. I'm going to start off at the beginning, the foundation of who I became. So as I said in my book, Harder Than Life, I had shared some difficult memories from my childhood, but today I'm going deeper.
• 1:33
  When I turned eight years old, instead of a celebration, I received one of the worst beatings of my life from my mother. I still vividly remember the fear, the confusion, and the devastating realization that the person who should have protected me was the one hurting me most deeply. I'm not telling you this
• 1:55
  to feel sorry for me. I'm telling you this because this is what shaped me. This is what made me harder than life. I remember vividly being woken up from a deep sleep and immediately getting punched in the face and thinking, what is going on? At one point, I literally thought I was going to die.
• 2:16
  So I'm going to get into this deeper. Stay with me. Again, I turn this pain into power. So I'm going to pause and tell you something incredibly important. Sorry, I'm going to, this is very, very vulnerable for me. So my voice is going to crackle today, but I want this to be an infusion into you. I want it to fuel you. Don't feel sorry for me. Understand how I use it as fuel to be the man I am today. So.
• 2:43
  In the middle of that beating, my sister heard my cries. She had actually moved out because she was the one taking majority of the abuse. Here she was older than me. And she would shield me. She moved out, but she came home to spend my birthday with me. And she was hiding in the back room as my mother was pummeling me. She burst into the room.
• 3:08
  punched my mother in the face, stopping her. And I'm convinced my sister saved my life that day. I've never publicly said this before. So let me clearly say it now. Thank you to my sister for being my hero. I love you. I wouldn't be here today without you. Sorry about that. That pain of that moment,
• 3:36
  Night has stayed with me for years. It wasn't until I went through EMDR therapy after doing talk therapy, after doing hypnotherapy that I was able to overcome that issue. I thought I was worthless. I thought it was nobody. I thought it was unlovable. And I carried that with me for 40 years. And when I released that,
• 4:06
  And the logic that I did to release that was, my mom was making me tough. And in EMDR, if anybody's taking it, you just have to explain logic, assign the logic to emotions that make no sense. As long as it makes sense to you, and the moment I cleared that up, I was able to take the next jump into my life.
• 4:30
  If you face something difficult like that, you can identify with me. It was not easy. But God sends you a hero. That's my sister.
• 4:37
  And had she not been there that day, who knows what would have happened. And she was the courageous one. I wish that were the end of it. We're gonna go deeper. And at the end, I'm gonna tie this all together. So stick with me. This isn't supposed to be a sad story because it all ends well because you see me all over social media and you're tuned in today and I really appreciate it. And I'm telling you this so you can understand, I've gone through it. And others are too. People are holding on to the pain of the past, of their traumas.
• 5:07
  Some of you probably worse than me, some of you maybe a little less than me, but we've all had trauma.
• 5:14
  So I'm going to move on to my father. My biological father was a profound source of pain and disappointment. Weekends were supposed to be my escape from the abuse of my mother and my stepfather. A temporary relief from the chaos. Instead, I'd be sitting staring out the window. Praying he'd show up sober enough to take me away even for just a day. Most weekends, he never showed.
• 5:44
  Every empty promise, every no-show, cracked my young heart just a little more. These repeated betrayals taught me to not trust, not to rely on others, and to build emotional walls so high, no one could ever hurt me again. It also taught me abandonment. Again, remember, beaten by my mother, left by my father, it was me against the world. But as painful as childhood was,
• 6:12
  Adolescence brought me a new kind of heartbreak. As I grew older, roles reversed. My father became the child and I became the caretaker. During my teenage years, most boys might navigate the confusing world of the birds and the bees by talking openly with their dads. I had no one. My father simply wasn't there. Not mentally, not emotionally.
• 6:37
  Not as a guiding presence. Just after I graduated college, tragedy struck again. My father died suddenly and his death threw me in the tailspin of what ifs. What if I had tried harder? What if he'd been there for me? What if things had been different? What if he would have just lived one day in his life? And that's why I'm talking to you about this. Many of us are living, but we're not really alive. So this was my breaking point.
• 7:06
  The first time I truly lost alignment. My father's dead, I don't talk to my mother, I was numbing myself with alcohol. I quickly learned there wasn't enough booze, women, or distractions in the world to heal that wound. My life spiraled and people noticed. My grandparents and uncle even considered staging an intervention.
• 7:31
  but as I've always done in my life, I somehow flipped the internal switch, choosing survival, pulling myself back from the edge, and pushing the pain back down. The emotional fortress grew stronger, but I had not healed. I only buried my wounds deeper. The cycle would continue unresolved for years until I finally found the courage to confront it directly. I know what you're thinking.
• 8:01
  Kelly, don't go so deep. There's more, guys. And I still am going to gloss over a lot of it. But again, it's all going to come together and has a happy ending. So stick with me. I love you all. There's others of you that are probably crying in your car right now thinking, Oy, this is why we resonate with each other. Some of you will use this as fuel to try to knock me down. Doesn't work. I've been through hell and back again. I invite you to come join me on the harder than life mission. Part of the HTL Nation.
• 8:31
  of giving back to the world, because you're here for a reason. And it's definitely not to throw stones at other people, knock them down, that's your ego. I digress, let's get back. So it was hunger, stealing, and learning to survive. This back being a young kid again. It wasn't just violence or emotional abandonment that I faced, it was hunger.
• 8:54
  Real gnawing hunger. Our refrigerator was empty, cabinets bare, my stomach hurt constantly. My mother often assumed I'd eaten elsewhere, but the truth is, she didn't seem to care either way. I was so hungry, so desperate, I would go to stores and steal food. I vividly remember the shame of getting caught, but the store workers knew my story. They saw my dirty clothes, the hunger in my eyes, the desperation.
• 9:22
  They didn't press charges. They looked away out of pity. My hunger taught me something important, how to survive. I lied to friends, told family stories, everything just to eat a meal. Eventually, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands, honestly and with dignity. Here's a weird thing. I don't understand how we didn't have food in the house when we were on welfare. We had food stamps. So I don't know what my mom did with all of that, with the food stamps.
• 9:52
  They somehow must have turned it into money to use as alcohol, but I have no clue to this day. And I don't talk to my mother, so I don't know. So back to my story. At a young age, I got a paper route. I sold candy door to door. I hustled relentless, driven by pure necessity. I learned early that no one else would take care of me but me. I had to take care of myself.
• 10:16
  Those desperate experiences shape my work ethic, determination, and relentless, often I say tenacious, drive towards success. Hunger is still a trigger for me today. That's why I'm recording this podcast today. I'm in the midst of a five-day fast.
• 10:32
  and it's triggering all sorts of childhood feelings. The ironic thing is I'm doing a fasting mimicking diet which consists of soup and tea from a company called Prolong. It's not easy, but it still stings. However, the benefits...
• 10:48
  are supposed to be tremendous. If you want more information, watch the podcast with Renee Fitton, episode 155. The weirdest thing about it is most of the soup that I have to eat is tomato soup. And literally, that was the last of the soups that we did have in our cupboards. And I refuse to eat it no matter how hungry I am. So I think God works in really funny ways. He knows that hunger is still a trigger. So that's why it's in this prolonged conversation.
• 11:17
  fasting mimicking diet. So the fears you don't face keep resurfacing people. So might as well face your fears, live your dreams. Today I find solace in having a sit down meal, usually breakfast and dinner with my daughter, Ariana. Studies have shown that sit down meals with a child even once per week keeps them out of trouble. Man, do I wish I had that. Heck, any food or love would have been great. What's your childhood trigger though?
• 11:45
  Is it your father's voice? Perhaps a certain time of day. Or it could be being left out or not feeling good enough. Whatever it is, I'm here to tell you it's fixable and in fact, not even true. But it certainly feels like it, doesn't it? You're not alone.
• 12:06
  None of us are. It simply feels that way sometimes. The easy way out is instant gratification, but exactly that, easy, which leads to a hard life. Flip it around and go down the hard path to live an easy life. As the years went on, I built a nearly impenetrable emotional armor. I became tough, guarded, and self-reliant. No one could hurt me again.
• 12:35
  But no one could truly reach me either. So what you keep out can't get in. That's also why I built this tough exterior and this big body. I was numbing my feelings.
• 12:48
  thinking that meant strength, but inside I felt alone and hollow, disconnected from true happiness and real peace. Money and weights became all that I needed. All my fellow degenerate friends became family because they always showed up. We got into many fights, and I'm embarrassed to say over nothing. Our turf, someone disrespected us, looked at our girls. Let me say this.
• 13:16
  There is never, ever a reason to get violent unless you're defending your life. I went on to college to get big and learn that I was, in fact, larger than life. Not just in stature, but in presence for all the wrong reasons. I'd become a fuckboy.
• 13:33
  Yeah, I said it. My heart was so closed that no number of women, booze, money, or work could penetrate it. I got involved in a fraternity for brotherhood and what felt like love, only to start a drug dealing ring
• 13:47
  and get me and several of my brothers arrested. Two of us had to do some major time and even overlapped on his birthday. I recall playing ping pong with him while locked up on his birthday and bursting out in laughter. We looked at each other and said, wow, we made some stupid, poor choices to get here.
• 14:09
  I went on to marry my college sweetheart. She was with me when my father died. She was with me when I went away to jail, stayed and waited for me. I wasn't ready. I was a clown. That ended in five years flat. My dad, as I said, passed away. Eventually, his body shut down at 46 years young from the years of drugs and alcohol. You would have thought I'd have learned, but I continued on his path for another 23 years.
• 14:35
  Continue drinking for 23 years. Making more money and friends than I ever thought I would. I was successful on paper and that was about it. I went in and out of relationship after relationship. Had a kid with someone I stole away from another man. Yep, that's right. She had a boyfriend and I thought I was the man. Remember folks, you attract what you are. I was broken. I was broken.
• 14:59
  It all started when I was eight years old, from that punch to the nose for my mother. Thought I was unlovable. If I could just find someone to love me, I'd be whole. The final straw was meeting what I thought was my soulmate at a concert. I hadn't done much work on myself. What was I thinking? After a couple of years and lots of cheating on her part, I finally had enough.
• 15:25
  There were some more funny twists and turns on that, but you could read all about it in my Heart of the Life book. Let's just say everything happens for you and not to you. So what was my turning point? This is where it gets good, people, and I'm sorry it took so long, but I wanted you to understand how dark my childhood was.
• 15:43
  There were more. I left out the drowning in my tub from my stepfather, the stalker that stalked us that I eventually got into a fight with and put in a hospital stalking my mother. Eventually, I faced a turning point. I realized that the armor protecting me
• 16:02
  had become my prison. I achieved external success, money, approval, but still felt empty and lost. The choice became clear, either continue hiding behind this armor or have the courage to confront the pain head on.
• 16:18
  What do you think I did? Today I'm fasting, I haven't eaten, and the physical hunger is stirring deep emotions inside of me. Rather than numb them or run, I welcome them. I sit with them and listen. This is the strength. This is the real power. On the other side of that pain is the growth,
• 16:36
  and healing it's gonna take to get me to that next level. So now I'm gonna talk about all the tools and techniques. Let me share with you how you can turn this pain, your pain, into power. Now, it's probably worse than mine, or maybe a little less than mine. Whatever it is, we've all got it. If you have not done the work on yourself, it is there, believe me this. These aren't just theories that I'm gonna share with you. They're practical, actionable strategies I've personally used.
• 17:06
  And they form the core of my coaching programs and books, especially the happier than life book where I detail all of this. I've walked this path myself. So trust me when I say this, it isn't easy, but it's worth every ounce of effort. And when you do it,
• 17:25
  You will set yourself free and you will start living. Number one, face your truth. You can't heal what you refuse to acknowledge. Start by openly and honestly facing your past, your pain, and your trauma. Write it down. Speak it out loud or share it with someone you trust. Healing begins with honesty and acceptance.
• 17:49
  For me, it was whenever I feel hungry, I say, oh, little Kelly, that's little Kelly coming out. You're going to be okay. You're safe. You're okay. You're loved. If my girlfriend doesn't choose me or makes me feel less than, I realize that's me. That's my trigger. So I name it out loud. Kelly, that's your trigger. You're okay. You're safe. You're loved. You're going to be good.
• 18:16
  So number one thing, face your truth, realize there's an issue. Two, embrace vulnerability. I spent years building a tough exterior convinced that vulnerability was a weakness. But true strength comes from allowing yourself to be real and open. Vulnerability isn't a weakness, it's a power. It's the courage to show up authentically, to admit when you're hurt, and to seek genuine connection.
• 18:42
  So vulnerability for me was admitting my feelings are hurt. I'm feeling some kind of something. I'm feeling weak right now, even though that wasn't the proper terminology. It was, I was just feeling triggered. So embrace it and say, I'm scared.
• 19:01
  Ooh, just saying that right now gives me the chills. Again, number one, face your truth. Number two, embrace vulnerability. Number three, rewrite your story. This is so good. You guys are watching me do it right in front of your eyes. You have the power to find your narrative. Stop seeing yourself as a victim of your trauma and start seeing yourself as the hero of your story.
• 19:25
  Every obstacle you face is a stepping stone to greatness. Use your pain as fuel to propel you forward and rewrite your past as the foundation of your future success. You have no idea who's watching, even if it's just someone in your family and you aspire one person
• 19:45
  To follow the path, it's worth it. Believe me. Number four is seek connection. Reject isolation, guys. I spent years isolating myself, convinced I couldn't trust anyone. I was wrong. Real lasting transformational happens with meaningful community. Find your tribe, people who lift you up, hold you accountable, and genuinely support your growth. I promise they're out there and they're waiting for you.
• 20:13
  All too often, we hang out with people who keep us where we are today. Oh, I've been friends with them for 20 years. They're my ride or die.
• 20:23
  No, that's a cage. Find people that challenge you, that tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Number five, and it's probably the most important one, is to invest in yourself. You are your best investment. Spend money on coaches. Spend money on therapy. Take the time and effort and energy to look inward.
• 20:49
  Be in stillness, silence, and solitude. It works, people. Your healing or growth are worth every ounce of time, energy, and yes, money. Prioritize your well-being through coaching, therapy, books, courses, and programs. If you don't have the money,
• 21:08
  A lot of this stuff is free. Most of my stuff is free. Go to my YouTube, subscribe to it. We have a weekly coaching call. It's $297 a month. It's less than a cup of coffee. There are options out there. So there is no excuse. Spare no expense because it isn't expense. You're investing in your future. It's the best investment towards a future of freedom,
• 21:32
  clarity and fulfillment. And I'm not talking physical freedom. I'm talking mental freedom, where you are not a prisoner in your own mind. Number six is to move your body. You guys know, you see me every day. So many of you are always making fun of me, telling me I'm on steroids. I like the new one. The new one is, uh,
• 21:54
  Talking about my pecs and how I have saggy boobs and stuff. You guys, I hear every one of you. And I look at you and I know you don't mean to hate. That's your ego protecting you. But you're not doing the work.
• 22:09
  I invite you to come join the harder than life, happier than life movement. I'll be here winning, but I moved my body. Today I did exercise 251 all the way to 500 of the year. So physical fitness isn't just about looking good. It's about creating resilience in your mind and your body. Every workout is proof that you can endure discomfort.
• 22:31
  and come out stronger. When you push through physical challenges, you build mental toughness that carries over into every aspect of your life. Commit to regular workouts, whether it's lifting weights, running, yoga, or simply walking. Moving your body daily rewires your brain to face adversity head on. I always say,
• 22:53
  Look good, feel good, do good. Move your body, people. It's essential. Finally, number seven is practice radical self-love. Self-love isn't selfish. It's survival. You can't pour from an empty cup. And you certainly can't sustain personal growth if you're constantly beating yourself up. Treat yourself with compassion. Speak to yourself with kindness. Prioritize rest, recovery, and nourishment.
• 23:22
  both physically and emotionally.
• 23:25
  I want you to be mentally fit and physical mastery. Loving yourself means setting boundaries, honoring your needs, and consistently choosing you. Mm, man, that feels good to say that. These powerful principles aren't just words on a page. They're the roadmap out of darkness and to a life filled with strength, purpose, and genuine happiness. I've lived this journey. I've turned my greatest pains, abuse, abandonment, betrayal,
• 23:54
  into my greatest strengths. Let me guide you in doing the same. You deserve a life that's not just harder than life, but genuinely happier than life. This is a bonus that I'm going to give you here right now.
• 24:08
  It's forgiveness. Forgiveness changed everything for me. Forgiving my parents didn't mean their actions were okay. It meant releasing myself from the resentment and bitterness and anger. Forgiveness is your freedom, your choice to reclaim peace and power over your life. Forgiveness is for you, not for them.
• 24:32
  The moment I forgave my abusive parents, a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could make progress. Remember, they did the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had. Heck, my mother and my stepfather were both high school dropouts. What possibly could they have freaking had knowledge to living a successful life?
• 24:56
  They did the best they could. Money made me tough. They made me harder than life. And I'm here today pouring into you, sharing this love with you. Today, I live a completely different life. The guarded, hungry boy is now peaceful, fulfilled man. I experience genuine joy, meaningful connection, and profound peace, not by ignoring pain, but by deeply understanding and embracing it.
• 25:24
  I live in complete authenticity and transparency. I have nothing to hide and it's freeing. In fact, I'm boring. I am alert at all. Either I am expanding my mind or my body in hopes of turning a profit to eventually donate from the Harder Than Life brand to the three charities that I talk about all the time that I'm a part of. And I'm proud of those three charities. I've broken the chains of abuse.
• 25:53
  neglect, and poverty. I'm the one and you can too. My coaching, my books, everything I offer is a testament to the truth. You can turn your pain into extraordinary power. So if this resonates with you, my friends, if you're tired of feeling stuck in your path, I invite you to step forward today.
• 26:15
  Visit my website, engage with our community, consider my coaching programs, or grab my book. Your new life awaits. You don't have to journey alone. I'm here for you, ready to walk alongside with you. Thank you for allowing me to share this deeply personal journey. If my story helps even one of you realize your own power, your own worth, it's been worth every difficult memory shared.
• 26:43
  Remember, your past doesn't define you. Your choices today do. Life is indeed hard, but remember, you're always harder than life. If you've gotten anything from this, please share it. Please rate it. Leave a comment. Message me in a DM. And remember, until next time, I'm Kelly Siegel and I'm harder than life.
• 27:06
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.