Latest / Ageless and Timeless Podcast® / David Elliot, noted expert, author, international speaker and an accomplished coach

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David Elliot, noted expert, author, international speaker and an accomplished coach · Ageless and Timeless Podcast®

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This is Michelle Hughes at Ageless and Timeless. Today we have a very special
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guest. His name is Dave Elliott, and he's going to be talking to
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us about something a subject that I think all of us have had interest in
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at one time or another, and that is finding love. So Dave,
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welcome to Ageless and Timeless. You have a subject matter that we want to
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hear as much as possible about in our time today, and if we run
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out of time, we'll have you come back. So let's let's take a
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deep dive. Let's take a deep dive with you. Okay. My first
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thought is because navigating the modern world of the Internet today regarding finding miss miss
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or mister Wright, is such a difficult challenge. Can you give us some
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secret code, secret sauce to how to accomplish finding the right person in our
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lives to live our lives and happiness for the rest of our lives on the
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internet. That's a tall order in one question, So let me say this.
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I think that relationships are an incredible vehicle for our own personal development,
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and I think you're going to end up doing it whether they want to do
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it or whether you don't. Because other people are going to bring lessons that
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you need if you don't opt in and do it on your own. My
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recommendation and the reason why I've been doing this for eleven years and helping people
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to do their own personal development is because I want them to develop and be
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in a great place so that they can come and bring the best of them
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into relationship and interact with other people. And then the other part of your
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question was about how you can I think it's about knowing your own value for
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being really clear on what you bring to the table. I think most people
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come into dating look looking for what they can get rather than kind of what
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they can give. And I think someone who's done some personal development has probably
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done a little bit more of a deep dive and is real clear on what
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they bring as well. And it's a it's a partnership, it's it works
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for both parties. So I think that's that's an important part of it,
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just doing that work yourself and coming to it whole and complete and feeling like
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you you offer something and bring something to the table that's valuable, and I
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believe everyone does well. That's a that's a very substantive response. Dave.
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However, we're dealing with a swipe culture, and people are not always going
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for the deeper essence of who we are. They're looking for something more superficial.
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And it's not that I want to be negative, because I always like
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to look at things in a positive way. So I'm just trying to find
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the positive spin on the swipe culture so that we can navigate these waters with
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success and and and still be part of what is the current modality. So,
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um, maybe comment on that for a moment. So, yeah,
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I think the swipe culture offers. Like I look at everything, it's a
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sort of that cuts both ways, right, There's there's great opportunities with swipe
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culture, with online dating, with the world is flat, and now we
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can meet people who we ordinarily never would have met in the old days.
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And the older days you would meet people who you're in proximity with. You
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maybe met them in an area you know, by our restaurants and where where
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you were, your place, where you had regular proximity. The beautiful thing
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about the Internet and the digital age is it opens up. It opens up
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the world and we can meet a lot more people. And of course there's
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there's travel all these other things. The world is a lot smaller now,
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so there's more choice and there's there's more opportunity. But I think the downside,
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as you mentioned, is that I think it can sometimes commoditize people and
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it makes it seem a little bit more transactional. And Okay, that's certainly
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the downside, and then I think a lot of times the lesson comes there
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as well. The reason I suggest doing that personal development because even in a
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swipe culture, even if someone's swiping swiping, swiping, swiping, and then
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they find someone who has clearly done their work and clearly stands out from anyone
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else you've ever dated, that's the answer and that's the key. So you
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know, look, my motto, my slogan, the thing that my mission
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statement is, you know, I'm going to travel the world to touch,
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move, and inspire people who teach them how to create even more love,
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peace and understanding in the world, one person or couple at a time.
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So I can't get everybody all at once, but I'm out there making a
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difference, and I'm hoping that through vehicles like this, we're going to reach
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those people and we're going to make more of a conscious shift. And I
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think that's necessary especially not just necessary for the big picture and what's possible in
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humanity, but I think necessary for people to ultimately be successful, even short
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term versus long term. Well, Dave, what inspired you to become a
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coach? Is that because of what you just said, your mission, about
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your review about life and what you'd like to achieve. That's what drives me
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now. But that's not what got me into it, Like the short answer
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is what inspired me to become a coach. About twenty years ago, my
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wife at the time came to me and said she didn't want to be married
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anymore. And that was one of those you know, there's two kinds of
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growth. There's evolutionary growth that you grow in too slow, and then there's
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revolutionary growth where it shifts everything and it's like boom. So it was painful,
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as you might expect, and I didn't want to repeat that again.
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And I realized that there were things about relationships that I didn't really know or
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understand, and so that sort of introduced me to the idea of this whole
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thing a personal development. I didn't even know what existed. I didn't know
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there were experts in this out there. I didn't know there were books you
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could read. So I got I threw myself into it and just wanted to
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learn, and I've found along the way. I was passionate about it.
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I loved it, and it was great for me, not just to be
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able to help myself, but then also to have these skills and awarenesses and
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abilities that I could pass forward and allow be able to serve other people with
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it. And I loved my job. Before I worked in advertising agencies,
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I was an artist. I was a writer and a producer, so I
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loved the whole creative process. I was always using creativity. Now as a
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coach, I used the creativity of what I'm learning and combined with all my
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other skills and knowledge. But I'm still using it in the creative vehicle.
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And I have to say I loved it before, but I love it even
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more now because I'm working with amazing people all over the world that I love
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and appreciate and I see the greatness in them, so I kind of teach
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them how to do that as well. And I just can't think of a
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better way to, you know, live day to day than to serve amazing
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people all over the globe that I love, you know, from the comfort
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of my office or you know, on the road or speaking or teaching or
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doing something or writing a book. I mean, these things are incredibly rewarding
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to me. So you know, I kind of fell into it though.
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And again that's the what I'm saying earlier about everything is a double edged sword.
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You know, didn't feel good to get divorced. It didn't fill me
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with confidence knowing that my other friends are not getting divorced, but I was
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at the same time. I look back now and it's no dig her whatsoever.
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I'm just nothing but grateful because it showed me a passion that I didn't
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know I had. And so I believe everything comes to serve, and that
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certainly came to serve, even though it wasn't pleasant at the beginning. Well,
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you know, they say out of adversity comes opportunity, and I wouldn't
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say that you epitomize that event in your own life and that you you know,
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you teach that what you most need to learn. And sometimes our greatest
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teachers are the people that have learned the lessons themselves and are now wanting to
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share. And it sounds to me like from what you just described it,
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that is you. I think so, yeah, it's you know, they
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say the two things that inspire that is, it's either perspiration or desperation,
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and I think I'm in both camps. But probably the desperation was kicked me
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off, and or the desperation kicked me off and the perspiration kept me going.
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But to me, it's not really working either. It's I just love
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what I do because I'm working, like I said, with great people that
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I admire in respect, and I get to live vicariously through watching their growth
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and see them accomplish just incredible things. And I mean it's incredibly rewarding on
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a level that I couldn't have known before. So let's let's let's role play
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for a moment. Let's sure, let's pretend that I'm one of your new
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clients. I've just contacted you, and you want to get to know what
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we're going to be accomplishing together and defining that in very specific terms. So
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what kinds of questions would you ask me? And maybe we could elaborate a
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little bit from there. Awesome. Yeah, So usually the first thing I
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have when I get started with a client, I mean, I do a
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first an interview first, ask a bunch of questions, and I want to
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understand where are we now, where do we want to go? And then
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basically we're going to fill in the middle and create an action plan so we
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elegantly, effectively and efficiently move you towards where you want to be. And
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so I would ask questions like, well, what is it that you're looking
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for? Give me three examples of what you want to accomplish with this coaching,
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three concrete examples. So what's it going to look like? On the
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other side, I'll ask specific questions like what's it going to look like,
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who's gonna be in your life? What you know, are you going to
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be engaged or you can be married, Are you're going to be deciding what
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you're going to do? What specifically does it look like? And then and
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I'll ask other questions like you know, um, you know, what types
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of approaches do you prefer? Because my thing is I'm flexible. I want
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people to get their result and so like, there are some people that want
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like a cheerleader kind of just celebrate their victories along the way. I'm totally
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comfortable with that because I get that. But then there's other people that want
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someone who's going to push them a little bit more. Be more of a
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like a taskmaster, or like a like a drill sergeant, or column on
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their stuff because some people who are just used to that, I could do
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that too. My thing is i'nflexible. I wanted to get the result.
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I want to serve people right where they are. So those are a couple
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of examples of questions, and I'm trying to think. I think, look
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for other areas like low hanging fruit, like what types of things are you,
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you know, putting up with now? Like what's something that would increase
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the quality of your life right now? Because I want people to feel the
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difference right now. I want them to get used to taking steps forward.
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And as you take a step forward, as you you know, take some
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kind of action to improve your life in some way, you know, you
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look back and you're like, wow, I do feel different. And when
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you feel different, you you'll take better action. When you take better action,
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it creates more potential, you get better results, and then it's a
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it's a cycle. It's the cycle of success. So it's it's basically seeing
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where they are and where they want to be and then helping them close the
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gap with a with a specific, workable, reasonable and steady plan to achieve
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it based on their parameters, not mine. So you know that's the thing.
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I'm really flexible. It's it's not my vision for them, it's there.
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So I have to elicit what it is that they want and and and
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helps to get it in their language as well, so that way I can
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get on board and understand where they are. And along the way we discover,
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you know what, what's in the way, Like there might be an
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aware that they don't have, so I'll teach them something. Maybe it's about
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you know, masculine and feminine energy and how they navigate the world, or
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what works best and what doesn't work best, or where they're specifically getting hung
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up based on what they've told me. Or it might be a new skill
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or a new habit or a new an action something that they have to put
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into practice. Or sometimes it might just be doing some work getting some clarity.
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Sometimes people are just they're stuck because it's like they don't they don't see
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where they are, and when you're in it, you don't see it.
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So sometimes the third party can sometimes see it. Like this morning, I
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had a call with a brand new client and he didn't see or acknowledge that
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this person he is dating there's some avoidant and anxious aspects to his partner in
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her attachment style, and he didn't even know what an attachment style was.
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So by again bringing that to as an attent to his attention, giving him
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an assessment that he could take and seeing where they line up where they're not
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lining up. So now I've brought something that's concrete and tangible to his attention,
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he can now take a look at that and say, ah, now
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I get it. Now it's not just they can't agree on anything. Now
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he has a he can define it. And when you can define it,
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you can understand it. When you can understand it, you can now strategize
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around it. And as you were saying earlier, like I think that's what
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Tony Robins you were talking about earlier. That's how he describes himself. He
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considers himself a strategist. He understands human motivational psychology really well at a deep
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level, why people do what they do over and over again, and he
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helps first bring it to an awareness and then bring it to a strategy and
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to put it into action. So, yeah, I do the same thing
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and my clients get pretty amazing results. So if you are going to list
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five bullet points for us that are the keys to finding a relationship that is
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fulfilling, and let's say just ideal, what would the five key ingredients be
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that you would put on that list? M okay, I would say number
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one has got to be clarity. Like I said, most people, I
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think have some blind spots in what they want, what they bring to the
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table, what they offer. So I think clarity is just key knowing what
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you want, why you want it, what you're willing to do to get
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it. Like those things are huge, that might be three bullet points in
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itself, but let's just start with clarity. Then. I think second thing
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I would say is about an action plan. Again, figure out where you
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are, where you want to be, and then how are you going to
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get there and start to put it in motion, like understand what type of
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partner you're looking for. And then it's because I had a background in advertising
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and marketing too, I look at it as kind of a marketing plan.
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So if I am interested in X person, this type of person, where
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does that person go? Where is that person? Where might they be likely
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to be found? What are they interested in. So I kind of look
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at it from that standpoint as well. You know, put yourself in proximity
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to greatness, and great things happen. You're gonna again. But that comes
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from clarity, that comes from being decisive and strategic and knowing what you want
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and just looking forward, being proactive, taking action. And then I would
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say, you know, along the way, you're doing your own work as
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well, healing any unresolved wounds. I just my most recent book is all
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about that. And again, those are wounds that you probably don't even know
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about, but they come back. They show up in our behaviors, they
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show up in our past experiences, they show up in our frustrations, they
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show up in our past quote unquote failures or struggles. And so those are
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the things that you want to be working on your own stuff, bringing it
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into view so that you can heal it. Then I think you want to
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once you meet that person, you you want to get really clear about how
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you're showing up, because again, it's about a partnership. It's about a
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mutually beneficial partnership where each person looks after and takes care of the other.
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And you start to just come from the place of what can I do for
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my partners? How can I make their life better, easier, more fulfilled?
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And again that comes from clarity. Again, what does it look like
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when your life is fulfilled? Most people, if I ask that question,
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they have no idea. So it's really it's like, you know, you
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can't hit a hit a target if you don't see it. I used to
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do this demonstration for kids. I would go in and speak to them in
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their classes about deciding what they want around the eighth grade and focusing on what
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classes they want, and I did a demonstration once. I will do a
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bulls eye on the chalkboard, and then I would take the racer and I
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would step back and I'd say, here's the thing. Anytime you can see
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a goal, do you know what it is? You can easily hit it.
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And I would throw the racer and I'd pretty much dead center of the
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bulls eye because I was only a couple of feet away. And then I
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walked out towards them and I said, but if you don't know what the
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goal is, you have no idea where the goal is, you have no
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idea what it looks like. It's a total crapshoot and I just threw it
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over my shoulder and I not only missed it planning to, I hit the
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clock on the wall and knock the clock down and broke the clock in front
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of this classroom, and all the kids were laughing. They thought it was
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hysterical, and I was like, that didn't mean to do that, But
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that's a great That's maybe the best example ever of what happens when you don't
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know your target, you don't have it in view, and you're going to
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take a take a million chats and you're most likely not going to ever hit
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it because you don't know what you're aiming for. That that's saying if if
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you don't know where you're going, how do you know when you get there?
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And any road will take you, any road will take you exactly.
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So John Gray wrote a classic book, Men Are from Mars, Women Or
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from Venus, And when he wrote that book, you know, he happened
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to be my neighbor and Mill. I live in Tiberon. He lives in
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Mill Valley, that Jason town. So not not that that has anything to
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do with it, but I always felt like I'd love to go to his
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house one day and just brainstorm with him because it came at a time for
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me when I was trying to find commonalities between men and women in business as
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a as a pioneering woman. I didn't want to be looked at or perceived
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as something unique and different than the men that I was working in the boardroom
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with, if you know what I'm saying. I wanted there to be more
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commonality. So I was a little bit, I must admit, put off
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by that book at the beginning. Then I realized over time what he was
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really trying to accomplish. I'm curious to know what you think of that book
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and whether you use his teachings in your work. John is probably one of
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the most successful authors in the entire relationship Stace. I give him total credit.
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I appreciate what he's done. I know that millions, literally millions of
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people that have learned from him. He is one of the people. I've
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definitely read his work and done some of the stuff. I haven't ever worked
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with him in person, although I have friends who have and I've heard really
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great things about it. But I've worked with some other mentors who I think
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resonate with me a little bit more. But again, I don't have anything
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bad to say about John's work. I think it's excellent. I've just been
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exposed to other things. In addition, I think his work on helping people
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to understand the difference. I wouldn't have framed it that way, but the
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Home, Mars and Venus thing for which he was famous, but it definitely
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made the point that it made the point that we literally are sort of two
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different planets when it comes to how we navigate the world. What things mean,
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you know, for my purpose is more like masculine energy is more single
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focus, outcome driven, analytical and logical in nature, because that's how it
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navigates, navigates the world, whereas the feminine energy navigates more from emotion and
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the gut and how things feel. That's why the woman's intuition is so incredible
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when it comes to navigating. Her number one need is to feel safe,
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and so that dictates a lot of things. And I think I think also
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a lot of times when we run into trouble in our relationships, it's because
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either or both of us have acated our basic nature. Meaning like in a
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situation like you were talking about, in order to be successful, maybe someone
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who is core feminine is maybe using her masculine energy too much because it does
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work and she is rewarded for it again and again and again, but it
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also causes other unintended problems. There's nothing wrong, and let may be clear,
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there's nothing wrong with either energy. They're both great and perfect. There
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is a time for masculine energy, there's a time for feminine energy. It's
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essentially like using the right tool for the right job. You know, you
21:33
don't want to use a hammer for a screw driver. It's just not going
21:37
to work. It's just beat up everything that you're trying to do. It
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requires precision. And the example that I give too is like, you know,
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I am My core is masculine. I'm a man. Most of my
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clients are women. And if I am in hardcore masculine single focus solving problems,
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fixing it and not able to connect with her, open her up,
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make her feel safe, understood, appreciated, and then serve her, I
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will be no good at that. So a lot of my coaching starts in
22:10
feminine and then moves to masculine as we get to a structure and as we
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get to problem solving. But it has to start in that place where we
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build connections, where it's about nurturing. Nurturing is absolutely feminine, but I
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do that as well, and so I think the ideal is for all of
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us, both masculine and feminine, to master the full range of emotion,
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the full range of behaviors, full range of strategies, and use the right
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tool for the right job. So does that make sense? Absolutely? And
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so it's always remarkable to me to see a male coach who has been able
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to adopt the yin and the yang in his teachings, because that is completely
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what you have just said, the connection between the masculine and the feminine in
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the sense that your market place is primarily feminine. So you it takes a
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lot, I think, for you to make that transformation and to understand both
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sides because they they well, you know, you know what it's all about,
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because you you've had to live it so well. What would you say
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is can you talk without revealing any confidentiality some of your greatest successes in your
23:25
coaching? Oh sure, I would say. Um actually turned into a bit
23:32
of an ad campaign for me too, Like I used to get these emails
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or not emails, ie texts, photographs, of someone saying them, I
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got engaged, and my client would be saying that, and I've got dozens
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and dozens of them now, um, And that's not the be all and
23:47
end all. It's more it's sort of a visual metaphor for doing the work
23:51
and having success. It's like when when you know how you're showing up in
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your relationships. It's not just like that's the bell and end all, but
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it's who you become in the process. And that's the beauty of coaching.
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Who you become in the process is what's going to get you the result that
24:07
you want. And so yeah, I mean I've had dozens of clients who've
24:11
gotten married. I've got I've bet some clients who've also been right on the
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right at the door of divorce and they've actually rescinded their papers and said,
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I mean, let's give this another shot. So like, those types of
24:22
things are incredibly rewarding. And and then there have been couples who've come together
24:29
and they've had you know, babies from it too, So again that's life
24:32
fulfilling. And and then sometimes it's not a hundred percent like intimate relationships.
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Sometimes it's family relationships. Sometimes I've got clients who heal huge gaping wounds with
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a with a parent or both parents sometimes, or you know, I've won.
24:51
Her big breakthrough that led to her getting married, She's actually getting married
24:56
in a couple of weeks. Her big breakthrough was based on how her boss
25:00
interacted with her, because again there was like some parent dynamics and unhappy parent
25:04
stuff, and she left her her own devices. She probably would have missed
25:11
out on that opportunity for growth. I helped her to direct and manage it,
25:15
and then it changed everything. Her boss actually became her mentor. She
25:21
thought she was trying to push her out, and she basically was just really
25:23
clear, She's like, you're either gonna if you want to do this job.
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I want you to do it this way, and i'll teach you,
25:30
i'll help you, but you need to decide. And so she put it
25:33
back in her court, and her first instinct was to shrink and saying I
25:37
don't want it because she's too tough. And I was like, there's opportunity
25:41
here, and that actually took her to another whole place, and then a
25:45
short time later she ended up being the man that she got engaged too.
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So it's really profound, like there's no there's no fences in the human personality.
25:56
So what shows up in one area will oftentimes show up in another area.
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So, for instance, if you don't know your value in an intimate
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relationship, chances alread you don't know your value when your boss talks to you,
26:07
or maybe when a parent talks to you, or you get into a
26:11
conflict with a neighbor or what have you. You know, it shows up
26:15
cross contextually. And that's my jobs to kind of a little bit of detective
26:21
work to figure out what's showing up and basically spotting those areas where there's maybe
26:27
some work to do, some bringing a little bit of attention, bring a
26:32
little focus there, and understand, like, you know, what do they
26:36
need, what do they want? What prevents right? Like the one I
26:40
just talked to today, his challenge was he was getting some pushback from people
26:47
that he was interested in, and the reason was because he was really he
26:56
was agreeable, he was nice, and I think he was getting pushback because
27:00
he's mister nice guy. And believe me, I know a little something about
27:03
this when I lived it, I used to be mister nice guy. But
27:07
the work for him is to learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. The
27:11
work for him is to be um grounded, focused, know who you are,
27:18
and be able to say, yeah, I love you and I'm not
27:22
going to do that and not be nervous about it or concerned about it or
27:27
be in fear that it's going to cause him to be abandoned or whatever.
27:33
Right, Because so there's all these different levels. But that's my job is
27:37
to understand where specifically can I give them the best assistance possible because it's that
27:45
area that mister nice guy thing, how do we how do we address that
27:48
still keep the great person that he is? And like he thought, he
27:52
said to me, but people when you left, people describe themselves to you.
27:59
You know. In some I think it was Oprah said, when someone
28:00
tells you who they are, you gotta believe him. But when when he
28:03
was saying something about you know, he was he was trying to be nice
28:07
or something or I can't remember exactly how I framed it, but that was
28:14
it. That was the area where he's getting stuck. And I said,
28:17
if to understand that, femininees number one need is she needs to feel safe,
28:19
and she needs to feel safe if she can push you around and tell
28:23
you what to do. She doesn't really want that. She she wants you
28:27
to be able to speak the truth, or she wants you to love her
28:30
and care for her and look out for her. She doesn't. She might
28:34
ask for all kinds of things, that doesn't mean she wants them, you
28:37
know. And it's the same with kids too. Kids will ask for all
28:40
kinds of things, but if you give them too much, not only do
28:42
you spoil that person, meet her child, you also they don't respect you.
28:52
They can't. So what are the biggest turn offs between for many?
29:00
I was just about to say, let's start with the biggest turn offs for
29:04
a man um for man, I would say, and again this goes back
29:14
to the you know, feminine one having been wounded in the past and have
29:21
a bit of a chip on her shoulder, so she doesn't trust men.
29:23
Like if I asked the question like you know, describe finish the sentence.
29:29
For me, men are blank and if the words are like jerks, players,
29:33
idiots, that kind of thing, I know there's some work to do
29:36
there and they can feel that because there's that chip on their shoulder. And
29:40
the thing is like any ladies that are listening. The one thing I'd love
29:45
for you to take away is that men actually really do want to be your
29:48
hero. And if when I say that that sounds crazy and ludicrous to you,
29:52
like that's something I don't feel, take a look at. The truth
29:55
is men do try hard to please, and they will they may easing.
30:00
Thing about a man is like if he believes he can do something, he
30:03
will keep going at it and then until it kills him. Like if you
30:07
tell man like I think, I think you can make partner in this firm,
30:11
but you're going to need to work, you know, two hundred hours
30:14
a week or something, you know, something crazy, and he'll probably do
30:18
it for a long time and until he almost drops it. But he's got
30:22
to believe he can do it. And the other the other side of that
30:23
is as soon as he believes it's not going to happen, a man will
30:27
will also not waste effort and he'll just quit or leave or give up or
30:32
stop trying. And I think that that happens in relationships a lot. As
30:36
long as he thinks he can win and his goal is to keep you happy.
30:40
If he thinks he can do it, he'll keep going. And if
30:42
he ever gets to the point where I just can't make her happy, He'll
30:47
quit or I'll go look for someone that he can, and then it goes
30:49
around and round around and exacerbates the original wound on the other side. So
30:56
I would say, someone who doesn't see the hero in him? Is that
31:00
turn off for men? M and for women? I think, um,
31:07
I think men that here's the number one area that I see where where women
31:15
make a mistake with men. Again, if you don't understand that they're heroes,
31:19
you also don't understand their relationship with freedom. The masculine energy would literally
31:25
die for freedom. And what most of the time a woman is asking for
31:29
is I want you to give me your freedom. And that's a really tough
31:32
offer. And the good news is a man will offer his freedom for something
31:40
better, but there's there's an order in his syntax to this whole process,
31:45
and you have to show him something better first. And that's what a lot
31:48
of times like I work with my clients on showing up in for their original
31:52
dates in just a really great place and you're not trying to sit there and
31:56
say does he like me? Should I have said then? Or is he
31:59
date? Or we date? Is he gonna call me there, We're going
32:00
to see each other again. What does this mean, we're dating, we're
32:02
married. I mean, there's a lot of questions, and again those questions
32:06
come from safety. There's an order in a syntex to it. If if
32:09
you have a great life going and you're happy and you're in a great place,
32:15
he's gonna want to see you more. He's gonna want to know more
32:19
about you, assuming he's also open and secure and looking for that. Because
32:23
again, it's about a complimentary fit. You know, it's essentially it's not
32:30
a job interview. But basically you're want to make sure that the two people
32:32
who are bringing something that are mutually agreeable to the table and they want similar
32:37
things, it's got to be a match ultimately. So it's about understanding that
32:44
once he gets to know you and he sees more than just a random sampling,
32:49
he may he may he may want to continue get to know you,
32:53
know more about you, gradually get closer and closer, go exclusive, getting
33:00
age, get married. But those things take a little bit of time and
33:02
estimation, and again he needs to see His question is does she make my
33:08
world better just being in it? And I believe my client's The answer is
33:13
a resounding yes once they do some work on themselves, for sure, but
33:19
not everyone knows that, and that's where I think they get stuck. So
33:22
I think they look for emotional certainty too soon. I think that's again that's
33:30
a strategic thing, and it's just about understanding human motivational psychology. You know
33:36
why people do what they do, what they whatever they're driving needs is a
33:39
certainty, is a significance? Is it love? What runs the show?
33:45
And so again that's something to help my clients get really clear on, like
33:47
what's most important to you in life? Like that's a great question I would
33:51
ask. As soon as someone tells me the answer to that, I know
33:54
a lot about them, right. I always think it's important to find out
34:00
what is important to the other person. What are your values? What what
34:06
would you give your kidney for, you know, if you had to,
34:10
In other words, what are the most essential parts of you as a human
34:15
being? And once you understand that that, you know the beginning of any
34:19
relationship by the three c's right, communicate, chemistry, communication, commitment.
34:25
Would you would you talk about that for a moment, Because chemistry is one
34:30
of the most elusive I think if we could figure out chemistry, we'd all
34:35
be billionaires. Right, So how do you how do you teach chemistry to
34:40
somebody? I am going to tell you that there's a section in my book
34:45
actually about the chemistry, and I think it can be I think it can
34:52
get us in trouble sometimes. And I'll tell you why I say that specifically
34:55
chemistry. A lot of times, if you think about what are the what
34:58
are the symptoms in your body and when you're when you're seeing someone you're like,
35:01
oh my gosh, he's amazing or she's incredible. Yeah, you start
35:07
getting flooded with pleasure chemicals in your brain and so makes your heart pitter pad
35:13
a little bit more, makes you a little bit tongue tied, makes you
35:15
not think straight, makes you nervous, makes you sweat, It increases your
35:19
heart rate. All these things, these are the exact same symptoms that occur
35:27
when you're see a grizzly bear and you're about to be attacked. There's a
35:30
fight or a flight or a freeze kind of thing that happens. And and
35:36
look, I make the case in the book that a lot of times that
35:39
that attraction is a subconscious knowing that that person has a compatible wound, that
35:47
there's something in it for you, there's something in it for them, and
35:51
there's something that you can learn from one another. And I think sometimes we
35:54
over overstate the importance of chemistry. I look at it like this way too.
36:00
Um. It's like a fire. You need three elements for a fire,
36:05
and if you get rid of anyone, UM fires over. You need
36:07
a spark, which is a little bit of chemistry. You need an intrigue,
36:10
you need a curiosity, You need fuel, and you need air.
36:15
You need something to burn, and you need air to keep it going.
36:17
And the air is like the commonality the things that you know you see the
36:22
world. You know, we talked about the values. Our values are in
36:24
alignment. We see the world in similar ways. We have m you know,
36:30
commonalities in terms of our likes and preferences. I call you know,
36:34
references and preferences, similar backgrounds, expectations. And then the fuel is like
36:39
this ongoing um, the interest and the desire that you want to continually grow
36:47
closer UM. And and the thing is anytime, like like a flash fire,
36:52
if there's too much spark, it burns up quickly and it's gone.
36:57
That would be infatuation right. Where it's infatuation right, it doesn't have a
37:01
durability. It's more like you say, more pheromones. Right. It might
37:07
be based solely on attraction and looks and look, those are great, everyone
37:12
loves that. But again, there's got to be something that's sustainable. There's
37:15
a difference between when it is obtainable and when it is sustainable. And in
37:20
order to be sustainable, you need to have these other you know, things
37:22
in common. You see the world in similar ways that stuff and that's not
37:27
sexy. But the sexy stuff is you know, the stranger across the crowded
37:32
you know room. Uh, that's kind of sexy, and probably a million
37:37
songs written about it, movies and all kinds of art reflects it, and
37:42
those occasionally that's the start of a great love story. Um, sometimes it
37:46
started tragedy too, or comedy for that matter. It can be it can
37:51
be a challenge if that's the main basis. So like when I when I
37:54
talk about it, I'm not chemistry is not a first I would say,
37:58
the other sea is character. I would say, other thing to look for
38:00
his character. If you want something that is you know, meant stand the
38:06
test of time, you're going to look for a character. And I think
38:09
chemistry can be generated with two people who just really have an incredible appreciation for
38:15
another. Of course there's some attraction again, that's the spark, But all
38:19
that other stuff I think you can. I think you know so have chemistry
38:22
too. I just don't think that's a that's a good enough basis for a
38:28
long term. It's a flash fire, but I don't think it's a keep
38:32
you warm for the rest of your life. Fire. That makes sense.
38:36
Yeah, I always say that chemistry is like the Olympic Church, and if
38:40
you sustain it, like you just said, it's going to shine brightly and
38:46
constantly. If you cannot sustain it, it becomes a pilot light at best.
38:52
So many relationships start with a smile and a kiss and they end with
38:58
a tear. And I I don't know. I read that quote recently and
39:00
I thought that's very true. You know that we go through these the process,
39:07
but it is partly what you said is unfolding character, and character is
39:14
really about shared values and you don't learn you can't get that in a first
39:19
or second interaction with somebody. That's something that becomes part of the development the
39:27
process over time, right, get to know someone? Yeah, like you
39:30
can get an idea when you just feel like you're really aligned with someone.
39:35
But yeah, then folds over time at a deeper level when you start to
39:38
understand their values, what makes them tick, what do they love, what
39:42
do they hate? What must they do, what must they never do?
39:44
All that kind of stuff, and it starts to you start to get to
39:46
know that person and you start to I think, actually look forward to learning
39:52
those little nuances about them and admiring them too. You know, sometimes you
39:58
don't have to agree with all of them, but it mostly just Hey,
40:02
I think as long as you come from a place of appreciation for your partner,
40:07
even if you don't fully agree with everything, I think appreciation will most
40:10
of the time carry the day. You know, relationships go through stages too,
40:15
right, David, Oh, yeah, you know this is something that
40:17
I think people were living longer, and that's a good thing, right,
40:24
But along with and along with that comes the management of enduring relationships that are
40:31
absolutely going to change as we grow older. And so okay, so let's
40:39
let's dive into that for a moment, because it does relate to intimacy and
40:45
I know that that's just one piece of the total pie. However, let's
40:52
talk about it for a moment. So, what is your concept about sustainability
40:59
of intimacy when a relationship is now, you know, twenty thirty forty years
41:06
old, Yeah, you know. Esther perel is when someone who's like amazing,
41:13
she's amazing. I've gotten a chance to meet her, and I've got
41:15
a book right here about the state of affairs, and she's one of the
41:19
world's leading researchers on intimacy and keeping it going in as specifically with why do
41:24
people cheat? And I love her work is focused around the idea that the
41:32
wounded idea of why someone is cheated or they cheated because they just weren't happy
41:37
and it's it's my fault as the person who was cheated on and I did
41:42
something or wasn't enough and they needed to get something from someone else. But
41:45
she kind of turns it on his head and says, no, it's not
41:47
really bad, and that's a that's an unfortunate way to look at it.
41:51
The truth of the matter is, most of the time people to cheat aren't
41:54
looking to escape to someone else. They're looking to escape themselves. And how
42:00
they feel whether they feel Wow, wait, let's let's dwell on that for
42:06
one moment. That's very important what you just said. Yeah, they're trying
42:09
to get they're trying to escape the way they feel inside. They feel that
42:14
maybe their life isn't gone in the direction they wanted, or they don't have
42:16
the excitement, or something is there's some sort of a chemical or some sort
42:22
of an ingredient in what they wanted their life to look like that is missing
42:25
for whatever reason. And when we personalize that, we say, you know,
42:29
if you're a grief party, you're the one who was cheated upon.
42:34
The tendency is to say that it's my fault. I wasn't enough for they
42:37
were looking for someone and that's unfortunate. And again that's one of those things
42:39
where I was talking about in my book that what a great way for you
42:44
to have to know your value from a new and more empowered place. So
42:47
have something like that happen, which would be a wake up call, right,
42:52
and it would help you hopefully learn that and so then you would show
42:54
up in your relationships more empowered hopefully if you do that work. But yeah,
43:00
um Astair's work is based on understanding that people. The other thing that
43:07
she says that is really profound and great, and give her full credit.
43:10
She says a lot of times people end up and find themselves in a play
43:15
that they did an audition for, and so they're in a relationship and it
43:20
started off great. There was maybe that chemistry in the beginning. They just
43:23
met and they couldn't wait to get together, and it was it was hot,
43:27
it was hungry, it was exciting. But then over time. The
43:30
other thing that is there's two different things. So for longevity, there is
43:37
there is you know, love and faith and support and steadiness and steadiness is
43:43
the opposite of zaying, is the opposite of spark. So the spark that
43:47
gets you started is going to leave you wanting when it comes to steadiness,
43:52
when it comes to um built for the long haul. Right. That's why
43:57
I say I think chemistry is sometimes overlooked. I think if you start with
44:02
steadiness, you can have a spark. You can build the spark because it's
44:07
about you know, asking the question what does this mean? What do you
44:10
want? I think I think you can still have it. And again I
44:14
think it comes from a clarity about what you want, what you're committed to
44:16
having how you want it to show up. And you know, what do
44:20
you want your love or your marriage to look like or your relationship? You
44:23
know, how do you want to how do you want to live? How
44:27
do you want to play this? What do you committed to? What are
44:29
you willing to do? And maybe it maybe it is, you know,
44:32
actually planning getaways where you know, you don't just fall into the routine and
44:38
take one another for granted. Little by little over time, you actually schedule
44:43
time away and you you make that other person a priority and maybe you um
44:49
make sure that even though you're doing something else. But if they the thing
44:52
is what's name m John Gottman talks about some makes a bid for you,
45:00
and so a bid is like someone who requests your attention. And if the
45:04
bid is answered in the affirmative, like if someone said, you know,
45:08
if your partner comes up behind you and gives you a kiss or something,
45:12
and you just continue doing what you're doing, continue working on the computer,
45:16
or continue doing the dishes, whatever it is you're doing, like, that's
45:20
a bid that was blocked. But if the bid is warmly received and reciprocated,
45:24
you know, if one partner comes over and kisses the other one and
45:28
you drop what you're doing, or you turn around, you know, and
45:30
now you reciprocate that. Now that's a relationship that's in a it's in a
45:36
good place, and it's moving. But again, that comes from saying,
45:39
you know, when when my girl reaches for me, I respond, or
45:44
when my husband reaches for me, I respond, because that's most important.
45:49
The dishes can wait, or the article I'm reading can wait. He or
45:52
she is my number one priority right now. It's called inventiveness. Right We're
45:57
always reinventing ourselves. And if we're doing that in our lives anyway, why
46:01
not do it as a couple with the person that we're connected to. If
46:07
if that's the case, if we're in that situation. But you you said
46:14
some very very important things just now. I'm going to have to go back
46:17
and listen over and over again to your teaching because you you really do have
46:22
this understanding of human behavior and the fact that we all have to be that
46:30
newness is part of the excitement, and that's why, of course, when
46:34
we first meet somebody, the oxytocin is and the other endorphins are are so
46:42
powerful, and to sustain that over time is I think what you're trying to
46:46
explain about always making that other person feel that they are the king of the
46:51
mountain or the or the queen, and that's important in any relationship. So,
46:57
because I know we're going to run out of time, would you just
46:59
spend a couple of minutes or maybe one minute telling us about your book and
47:02
why you wrote that book? And I know you've said you were offering them
47:09
Yeah, I think I think we have it up on the screen right,
47:13
Yes, yeah, so I know you you said you wanted to offer something
47:16
a goodie for our our viewers. So why don't you go ahead and just
47:20
spend a minute or so on the book? Yeah? I would love to
47:24
thank you so much. As you can see, the book is called same
47:28
Stuff, Different Date. M say it again day, same shit, different
47:35
day. We have to belief you. Oh I'm sorry, Same stuff,
47:40
different date. So essentially it's a takeoff on that that's saying, you know,
47:46
same same stuff, different day, meaning it's the same old, boring,
47:51
monotonous over and over, um, nothing new breaking it up. It
47:55
can be mundane and boring. Now, the thing is put I made A
48:00
date is about the people that you date and what I've done is putting together
48:05
a bunch of exercises that I hope you understand that there is actually a line
48:07
that runs through all the people that you've ever dated, been interested in,
48:13
and it's not happenstance. It's not just this glorious accident. There is something
48:16
that each one of them was there to teach you. And it's a whole
48:21
thing where people show up for a reason, a season, a lifetime,
48:23
and then a lot of times those factors look totally different. And so what
48:29
I do is I hope you kind of assess it and see that there is
48:31
a there's a theme in your relationships and it's invisible and it's operating underneath of
48:37
the radar. And so again my number one thing is it's about awareness.
48:40
It's about understanding, like how do we get here? Again? Is what
48:46
is influencing the way your relationships are going. If through relationships keep having this
48:51
uncertain or struggle or a challenge, there's probably something that they have in common.
48:58
It just looks very different. And when it comes down to, without
49:01
given too much away, is it will basically keep attracting people who help bring
49:09
attention to our unresolved wounds from childhood as from our first seven years. It's
49:15
basically it's based on a mago Again that's that's Harvil Hendrix, another incredible New
49:23
York Times bestselling author and I'm pretty much brilliant a man in the area of
49:28
relationships, one of the top names in the field, also up there with
49:30
you know, John Gray and doctor Godman, other people like that, Stara
49:36
Parrel, all these other people that I've mentioned, people that I you know,
49:38
really appreciate and steady so but this book helps bring that into your attention
49:44
and awareness. Most people have no idea. I think people tend to be
49:47
just dumb struck and have no idea that there's a pattern that they are a
49:53
full and total partner in. And it's not just an accident, it's not
49:58
just happenstance. It's not you know, there's a reason that they came in
50:02
and I hope them understand what's the group, what is it that they're looking
50:06
to heal and bring attention to it. And then on the other side of
50:08
that, I also there's a mechanism for how to heal that. How do
50:12
you get to that place where you do understand, you're aware, you have
50:15
an awareness of your old patterns, so you'll choose better. Like, for
50:19
instance, you know, if one of them is you know, like you
50:23
said, if you're always looking for the you know, really the hot,
50:30
tall, dark and handsome guy, or the or the one certain type of
50:34
woman, then they all sort of end up in a similar way. There's
50:37
a lesson than that for you too, so or if it might be,
50:40
you know, there's all kinds of different things they can I don't want to
50:45
give too much away from it, but it's really powerful to understand it.
50:49
That's just enough of a teaser. Now tell us what you're teasing us with.
50:53
And the gift is I'm giving even more of a tease. So I'm
50:55
giving you like the entire first chapter and then some more information in a just
51:00
free downloadable pdf form form so people can go through it, glance, read
51:07
it, and if it sort of what's your appetite and you want to know
51:09
more. It's available on Amazon, either in kindle or in back and I
51:16
think it's profound. I'm getting some amazing five star reviews from people really just
51:21
blown away. I've just finished my first book club and the book's only been
51:24
out for a couple of months now, so it's still new. It's not
51:28
one of those books you can thumb through. It's not necessarily a you know,
51:31
a beach book that you can finish, because there's some exercises to do.
51:37
Well. Tell us how people? Well, first, let's talk about
51:39
your coaching, because that's the other half of your I know you're very generous
51:44
offers. So what if what if people are so inspired that they read your
51:47
book or they listen to you today and they want to become your client?
51:52
What is that all about? How would they contact you? Oh? So
51:59
my website probably is the best site. The best way to reach me is
52:01
probably through my website, which is Legendary Love for Life Legendary Love for Legendary
52:07
Love Forlife dot com dot com. Yeah, so they can give me there
52:12
and it's got you know, all my social media, all my phone number,
52:16
my email, everything, so you can reach me any any vehicle there,
52:20
Okay, and just reach out. Let me know they heard me on
52:22
here, and yeah, we'll chat and out for all of your listeners and
52:25
viewers, you know, a free session. We'll just get acquainted and I'll
52:30
tell me a little bit about where they are, and I've give them some
52:34
free tips and tidbits. Or answer any questions from the book, and I
52:38
I'd be honored to do it for your listen. Well, that would be
52:40
wonderful. So if they say Michelle hughes or ageless, that's a code that's
52:45
a simple way to remember. And they call you or email you and say
52:51
I would like to have that complimentary session with you to get a better feeling
52:55
for each other and whether this could be a mutually satisfying relationship as well as
53:02
they'll get up the best kind exactly as well as they'll get a free pdf
53:08
of the first chapter. Okay, well, David, is there anything you
53:15
would like to say that you that we missed today, any message that you
53:20
want to leave our viewers with before we say goodbye. M I think I
53:28
just reiterate, maybe I'm not nothing is coming to mind is urgent, but
53:31
I would just reiterate that like we are all worthy of love as as we
53:37
are. And if there is an area where you're really not clear on your
53:42
value and what you bring to the table and what you offer, that will
53:45
absolutely block you one percent of the time, because essentially, when people are
53:52
interacting with you and looking to get to know you and dating you, you
53:58
know, my first book is about how to write a really powerful dating profile,
54:02
and it's because I was a was an award winning copywriter and ad agencies
54:07
before I started doing this work. And the point that I make in that
54:09
book is that you know, when you're dating and putting out dating profiles,
54:15
those that's an advertisement for who you are, and advertisements have certain jobs.
54:20
You need to educate people and who you are. You got to let them
54:22
know, like what is the benefit that you bring? Why is their life
54:24
going to be better because you're in it? And if you don't know the
54:29
answer to that question, that's a tough question, I will grant you.
54:31
But if you don't really have an answer or some clarity about that, the
54:35
way you show up on a date is not going to be very confident.
54:37
It's not going to be very assured, and it's going to get in the
54:40
way of how you communicate with people. And I'm not saying to be arrogant.
54:45
There's a there's a different, huge difference between arrogant and confident, but
54:49
it's it's an understanding and appreciating yourself and the unique qualities that you bring to
54:53
the table. That's one of the things I help my clients do you know,
54:57
it's for the same reason like I used to do. You know radio
55:00
and TV commercials, right, and you'll never see a TV commercial for a
55:05
toothpaste that doesn't say why you should buy their toothpaste. You'll never see a
55:08
car add that this is who you need to be to drive their car.
55:13
That's not the way it works. They need to you need to be able
55:15
to effectively demonstrate and be who it is you want to be. Well,
55:23
it's like marketing one oh one, It's like, absolutely is your customer and
55:28
what are their wants and needs? And then are you providing the goods and
55:31
services that are going to address and fulfill those needs? So you're absolutely right.
55:37
We are like a brand. I hate to put it in such may
55:44
you know, maybe it's a harsh terms, but we are our own brand
55:47
and when we put ourselves on the internet, that is what we need to
55:52
define is what is that brand and what are we bringing a value and how
55:58
are we going to make a difference? All right, Well, unfortunately our
56:02
time is up, and you know time always flies by when you're learning and
56:07
having fun, Right, Dave, I agree, this is great, Thank
56:10
you so much for the invitation. Well, we're happy to have you,
56:14
and I think maybe we need to have a chapter two here. There's some
56:19
questions that I are burning, questions that I know I haven our viewers have
56:22
that we didn't get to cover. But we covered a lot of ground today,
56:25
and I thank you for your time and have a wonderful have a wonderful
56:30
day. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. This is Michelle Hughes
56:35
and I'm signing off. However, before I do, I just want to
56:38
say that if you are single, married in a relationship, this is the
56:45
type of person that I believe you need to know about because he's very grounded
56:52
in human behavior that many of the I don't know how many of you have
56:55
read some of these online dating coaches, but there a lot of the times
57:02
it's very it's fluff, and David is coming from a place of real knowledge.
57:08
Plus his business background in marketing is truly appropriate here as we have just
57:14
talked about. So I do believe he's won the you know, the one
57:19
in a million that you should know about. That's why I selected him to
57:22
come on the show, because I've been following him on emails and through newsletter,
57:28
internet and so forth. So thank you very much again David for being
57:32
with us and saying goodbye for ageless and timeless. This is Michelle Hughes