Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 083: You Don’t Have to Do It Alone: How to Ask for the Support You Need

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083: You Don’t Have to Do It Alone: How to Ask for the Support You Need · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Frederica Davis, your host, and today is our Saturday episode.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we talk about identity, life, and purpose and becoming more fully the woman that you are meant to be, the woman that you want to be.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want to begin today with a question that may be a little uncomfortable.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: What are you still trying to do to carry all by yourself, even though continuing to carry it alone is no longer working?
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Most of us do it.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: This could be something that has to do with your health, your business, your family.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a major decision, or a change that you know you need to make, but you haven't made yet, or something that you're carrying around from the past, or simply just the weight of being the person that gives and everybody else depends on.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of different things.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I know if you are listening to this show, you're a capable, strong woman, whether you feel like it every day or not.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, your capability, it might actually be part of the problem.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you've handled difficult things before, and I am sure you have at this stage, then you know how to figure things out and keep things going.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody looks to you for that because they know you can.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And the people around you might simply assume, more often than not, you've got it all covered because honestly, most of the time you do.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or even if you don't have it all covered, you make it look like you do to the world around you.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, being able to do something alone does not automatically mean doing it alone is the healthiest, the wisest, or the most effective way to do it.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I will be the first to tell you that knowing how to be alone, knowing how to do certain things alone, and valuing your time alone is incredibly important to be well-rounded, independent, self-sufficient, and we could go on and on.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I know what it's like to be a woman who handles all the things, the children, the businesses, and all the things.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard me say it before.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was a single mom, caretaker for my mom, multiple businesses, many different things in my lifetime.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned how to keep things going because I didn't have anybody standing there next to me.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have somebody I could turn to for a lot of years.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can relate to that, you are my people.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: There is strength in knowing you can rely on yourself.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would never take that away from anybody, and that's not what this is about.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: But self-reliance, it can quietly become this rule that you never really consciously chose.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You stop even thinking that there is the possibility for help and support, and you just assume that everything belongs to you.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It just walweighs on you.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: You might as well do it yourself.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we resist support because we think accepting it means somebody is rescuing us.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So for most women, I find, if we're being honest, there's that piece of us who wants to be rescued and be the damsel in distress.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's that other piece, piece of us that says, oh, hell no, I don't want anybody having to rescue me.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know I teeter-totter.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know about you.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you don't feel like that, but I know I have.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to separate those things because they're not the same for sure.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Rescue takes over your agency.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy support will strengthen your agency.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And being rescued implies that you can't handle this.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll decide for you.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy support says you are still in charge.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: You are perfectly capable.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know that you could do this, but you don't have to do this alone.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to see every answer or learn every lesson or carry every difficult moment by yourself.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Good support does not make you smaller.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Good support is not thrown in your face later either, if you've ever experienced that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It actually helps you hear yourself more clearly.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you information, it gives you perspective and skills and encouragement, even accountability, or it's just simply practical help so you can make your own next decision.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that we often use the word support as though it means one thing when it really doesn't.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what you need is simply emotional support.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: You need someone who can sit there, just listen without immediately trying to fix everything or minimize or compare or make the conversation about them.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you need practical support.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: That could be somebody to help you complete a task or drive somewhere or help you with a meal or take something off your calendar, figure out something on the computer, do part of whatever it is that needs to be done that does not necessarily require your personal attention.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's going to be skilled support that you need.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a doctor, a therapist, a coach, a mentor, attorneys, professionals like a trainer, another person who knows something that you don't know, and or maybe you do know, but you're a little lost and stuck in, and knows how to move you forward.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's support that helps you make your own informed decisions.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need structural support.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's a system.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is common, well, both at home and I was gonna say at work, but it's common at home as well.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need a system, like it's a recurring appointment.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like I make my dermatology appointment for the following year when I'm already at the appointment for this year.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Boom, it's in, set the reminder, done.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: That is my system for making sure I don't miss it each year.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's a class that you need, a group.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a group that supports you, and that's your structural support or a deadline or regular check-ins with, say, a coach or a trainer that makes it easier for you to follow through after that first burst of motivation passes because it does.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: We have these big bursts of motivation to make changes or start something new or get something done, and then they just pass.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those bursts fizzle out.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And we need a little extra help sometimes to move forward and to keep steady on the path.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you just need a different room.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: You need to spend time around people who actually understand what you're trying to create and do not keep asking you to shrink back into the version of yourself that makes them the most comfortable.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: How many people do you have in your world that don't understand what it is that you're going through, or don't understand who it is you're trying to become, or the new business you're trying to launch, or whatever it is, because they don't have the same vision.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: They have only seen you in a certain way their whole life.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: They have a certain limited experience in their lives of what is acceptable, what is going to work, what isn't going to work.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And they just can't see it.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you need a different room.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's where you find the people who will be your support structure, who will cheer you on because they get it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is where support starts to become part of identity and becoming.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can have a really strong vision for your life, but the environments around you still matter.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if every time you speak about changing your health, growing your business, setting a boundary, or returning to school, maybe traveling or dating again or whatever it is, doing something that makes you feel alive again.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times the people around you respond with fear, sarcasm, or discouragement.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you might stop saying that dream out loud or even give it up.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: But in order to hold on to that dream and make it real, you need at least one place where growth is not treated like a threat.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's not treated like something that is weird or misunderstood.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be honest about the type of support you have around you that might look supportive, but really isn't.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And on the flip side of this, having someone there who agrees with every decision that you make, that might not always be the right support either.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Someone keeping you dependent on their opinion is not support.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Someone repeatedly reminding you of everything that could go wrong may call it concern, but that does not mean it is useful guidance.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy support respects your ability to choose.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: It can tell you the truth without humiliating you.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it can disagree without trying to control you.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It wants you to become more capable, not more dependent.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you an example of this without outing this person.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I have someone in my life that I adore and think very highly of.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And she's gone through really, really rough time.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And for quite some time, you know, we get together, we talk.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm her sounding board and her voice of reason.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I just listen and I'll ask questions and let her answer and come to it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I pose some what if this, what if that?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, how does this play out, and so on and so forth.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, no matter how hard it is for me, and I do have to work at this, I have to shut up and just listen because she's on her own path, not my path.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And just say to her, Well, I couldn't do it that way, or that's not how it looks to me, but you're the only one living your life.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: You need to do this.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: And regardless of whether it works out or not, I'm gonna be here for you and I'm gonna be your biggest cheerleader.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be there to support her, whether she made the right decision or not, right?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard to find this.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn as a friend because sometimes I'm a big pain in the ass.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty blunt.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm pretty honest.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And with my friends, my closest friends, I could be sometimes the most honest and blunt.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: We need both.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: We need supportive people, and ideally, supportive people who can tell us the truth.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, be honest, yes, be blunt, love us anyway, and not judge us and still be there for us.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So being honest about the support you have around you is really important, or the support you don't have, what that looks like and what it does not look like.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy support, again, is going to respect your ability to choose.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: It can tell you the truth without humiliating you.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: It can disagree with you without trying to control you.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it wants you to become more capable, not more dependent.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to give you a practical exercise.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I call it a support map.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Take out a piece of paper and write down four questions.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can fold the paper into four sections if you want, however, you want to do it, just write them down, whatever works.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: First, where in my life do I feel the most alone right now?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Be really specific with this.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Don't just simply write everything.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get as detailed as you can with this.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is it making decisions about your health?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Is it running your business?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is it caring for your aging parent?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is it managing your home?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel alone staying consistent in your changes that you're trying to make?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel unsupported and alone when it comes to staying consistent with change?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Are you grieving something other people think you should be over and you feel very alone in that?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you alone in your financial stress?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are you alone in?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What do you feel the most alone in?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Second, what kind of support would really move the needle?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: What would actually help?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of support would actually help?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to be heard?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need someone who would just simply be able to listen to you so you can feel heard?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need more information about whatever it is?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need certain tasks completed, help getting them completed?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: How about do you need accountability?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody who you know you're gonna meet with, that is in the back of your mind, like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna get this done before I talk to so-and-so.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you need professional guidance because you just need a better plan?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need to be around someone who has already walked through what you are facing?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody who already has built the business or somebody who has already improved their health, or what is it?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: What is it you need help with?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody who's already done it.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Third, who is capable of giving you the kind of support you need?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this question really matters because we sometimes keep asking the same person in our world for something that she's repeatedly shown us, she or he has repeatedly shown us, they cannot give us.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your spouse who may love you deeply and still not be the right person to be your business mentor or your marketing mentor or your health mentor or whatever.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's your friend who may be wonderful company and still not be able to hold a confidential.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: We all have those friends, right?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know you can't tell too much to because they're going to repeat it.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: A confidential or a maybe they can't hold an emotionally complicated conversation.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: We have those friends too, where most of the conversations are lighter.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're just not deep.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't get beyond the surface.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: The point here is that one person does not have to meet your every need.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you want to look at who is capable of giving you what it is that you need for the kind of support you need.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: And fourth, what is one clear request I can make?
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Not I need more support.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that might be true, but it does not tell the other person what to do.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Clear communication does.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: A clear request is gonna sound more like this.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Can you listen for 10 minutes without helping me solve it?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or can you take this specific task and get it done for me by Thursday?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's clear.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can we walk together twice this week?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's clear.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can you look at these two options and tell me what I might be missing?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or how about can you schedule a check-in with me next Friday so I have a better chance of following through with this?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's clear.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Specific requests are kinder to you and to the person that you're asking.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then the person doesn't have to guess what you need, and you are less likely to feel disappointed by support that never had a clear definition.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sometimes the person will say no.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: She or he will not have the time, the ability, or the emotional capacity to give you what you need.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: A no does not automatically mean you were wrong to ask.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: It means that the purse is not available for that request.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's all it means.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you might just need to ask a different person.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you need a different form of support.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: This matters because many of us ask once and we get a disappointing answer.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then we decide, see, I knew it.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: I might as well just do it myself.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody ever is there when I ask them when I need them.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh boy, has this gone through my head.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: You relate to that, you know, I might as well just do it myself and be done with it.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, that is not real.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's not the truth of the matter.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And truth is, somewhere along the lines, you probably depended on somebody who maybe should have been there for you and wasn't.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you just started to believe that that was the case and you turned that into a lifelong rule.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a lifelong rule.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, doesn't mean another person won't say yes.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I want to point out, too, there's also a receiving side to support.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: You have to let the help count.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to preface this.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is one I can struggle with, most often with my poor husband.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: If someone helps you and you redo everything or apologize repeatedly, or insist on paying the favor back immediately, or spend the entire time feeling guilty, you may technically have accepted help, yes, but you were emotionally refusing it.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I will back up.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you do ask for help, somebody does it, and you do have to redo it again because maybe it wasn't done right.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: But there is something to consider here about how do you receive help.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Receiving support can be a practice.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're no good at receiving support, and now you need to practice and learn how to receive support.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can say thank you.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can allow something to be done differently than you would have done it.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can let another adult make a contribution without treating yourself like a burden.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can allow them to do it in a manner that is not the same manner that you would have done it.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: I struggle with this with my husband.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can you relate to that?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you all struggle with this with your spouses or your significant others?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it is possible to allow them to do something, even though they approach it totally different, and it might take three times as long, but allow them to help.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: This will actually allow them to feel like they're making a contribution.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: And let's talk about boundaries.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Support does not require that you tell everyone everything all the time and what you need every single second of the day.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: It does not mean you become needy either.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: It also does not mean accepting advice you didn't ask for.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: The goal here is to build the right support around the life that you are actually trying to create.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: So look at your support map.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you feel alone?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of support would help?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: Who can realistically provide it?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: What specific request can you make?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then make one request, not five, just one.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when you do this, you might discover that the next version of you does not need more willpower.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't need more pushing through.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: You might just need better conversation.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone who is skilled who can be your guide, someone who can give you that recurring check-in or practical help, or even a room where you can feel supported and not have to explain why you want to grow and why it matters.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need to become your next self, your next version, go into your next chapter all alone.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you still make the choices.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: You still have to do the work and decide what belongs in your life.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: But the right support, it can change what feels possible and it can change how quickly you recover from the setbacks.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we all have setbacks, and whether or not a good intention becomes something you actually live.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, head on over to my website, frederica davis.com, grab the free assessment.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Five signs it might be time for a reset.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: Stop using your capability as evidence that you should do everything yourself and carry everything alone.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your strength is real.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: So is your need for other people.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Those truths do not cancel out each other.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for joining me today.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode made you think of a capable woman who rarely asks for help, send it to her.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the two of you can have a more honest conversation about what support really looks like right now.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.