Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How Do You Tell a Child Someone They Love Is Dying?

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How Do You Tell a Child Someone They Love Is Dying? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: Hi, and welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name's
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  Speaker 1: doctor Justin Coulson. What do you do when your best
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  Speaker 1: friend's partner is diagnosed with a terminal illness and you
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  Speaker 1: need to help both your own child and in supporting
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  Speaker 1: the family their children to navigate this devastating news. How
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  Speaker 1: do you find the right words when sometimes it feels
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  Speaker 1: like there are simply no right words or even actions.
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  Speaker 1: That's what we're tackling on today's podcast. Stay with us. Hello,
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast. Real Parenting Solutions every day.
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  Speaker 1: This is Australia's number one parenting podcast and a really
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  Speaker 1: really tricky one. Today every Tuesday we tackle your tricky topics.
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  Speaker 1: If you'd like to submit a question, go to the
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  Speaker 1: super simple system at happyfamilies dot com dot AU press record,
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: leave us a note. It's that simple. Otherwise, you can
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  Speaker 1: email your voice notes to podcasts at Happy families dot
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: com dot A You Kylie Today a tough one. An
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  Speaker 1: anonymous listener whose voice we've changed, asks one of the
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  Speaker 1: toughest questions.
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  Speaker 2: There is my best friend's husband, we're all forty forty
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  Speaker 2: three forty four, has just been diagnosed with a brain
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  Speaker 2: tumor and it's not oking good. They have three children
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  Speaker 2: who are aged eight, twelve, and fourteen. So I guess
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  Speaker 2: my question is how do you talk to your children
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  Speaker 2: about when a parent has a really serious illness and
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  Speaker 2: a terminal illness and how do you support them through that?
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  Speaker 2: And for us, we only have one child who's seven,
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  Speaker 2: and how do we talk to him about it as well?
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  Speaker 2: I think it's a really complex issue. But maybe you've
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  Speaker 2: got some really to go and helpful advice, but we
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  Speaker 2: can work with and they can help other people out
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  Speaker 2: who are going through something similar.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks very much, Kylie, that's the question today.
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  Speaker 3: I love that we've created a community where when we
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  Speaker 3: have these struggles, we know where to come to ask
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  Speaker 3: for help. And I love that this beautiful friend whose
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  Speaker 3: heart is breaking alongside her friends, is desirous to find
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  Speaker 3: a way to navigate this with not only her own child,
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  Speaker 3: but with her friend's children as they they walk this really,
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  Speaker 3: really challenging path together.
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  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, I hear a question like that and
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  Speaker 1: I just think life is so hard. Sometimes life's just
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  Speaker 1: so hard. Some years ago, I took a call from
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  Speaker 1: a mum and I'm pretty sure I told you about this.
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  Speaker 1: She wanted to help her kids. They lost their dad
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  Speaker 1: nine months prior. The circumstances were just tragic, and the
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  Speaker 1: ladies two girls were working through that loss. She wanted
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  Speaker 1: to help them because she just received a terminal cancer
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  Speaker 1: diagnosis herself, and the kids were going to be left
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  Speaker 1: without both their parents. We've grappled with these questions before,
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  Speaker 1: both on the podcast and in real life, and today
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  Speaker 1: we are going to be as helpful as we can
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  Speaker 1: because we know that it's not just this mum who's
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  Speaker 1: going through it. My sister recently lost a friend in
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  Speaker 1: almost exactly the same circumstances.
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  Speaker 3: One of the hardest things about living life is the
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  Speaker 3: recognition that with birth and all the joys that are
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  Speaker 3: associated with that, in most circumstances, there's also the deep
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  Speaker 3: sadness and sorrow that we experience when we farewell a
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  Speaker 3: loved one.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, So today, two different responses. First off, let's
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  Speaker 1: talk about what a family can do when they receive
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  Speaker 1: this awful news, and then a conversation about how to
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  Speaker 1: talk to your own kids about it and how they
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  Speaker 1: can be helpful themselves. First off, if you're in a
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  Speaker 1: family where horrible news like this is occurring, whether it's
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  Speaker 1: directly within the family or even a little bit outside it.
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  Speaker 1: First idea that I really want to emphasize is that
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  Speaker 1: it's important that we tell the truth and that we
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  Speaker 1: do it in age appropriate ways. Kids can handle difficult
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  Speaker 1: truths way better than we think, but what they can't
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  Speaker 1: handle particularly well at all is uncertainty and secrecy. I
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  Speaker 1: think research is pretty clear on this. Kids who are
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  Speaker 1: kept in the dark often imagine scenarios that are worse
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  Speaker 1: than the reality. And on top of the fear and
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  Speaker 1: anxiety and worry and apprehension that they're experiencing, they also
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  Speaker 1: lose trust in the adults that are around them when
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  Speaker 1: they sense that something's being hidden. So for an eight
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  Speaker 1: year old, you might say something really simple, or a
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  Speaker 1: five year old, you might say, Daddy has something called
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  Speaker 1: a brain tumor, which is like a sickness in his head.
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  Speaker 1: Or Auntie or Nan or whoever it is, they have
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  Speaker 1: this sickness in their head, and the doctor is going
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  Speaker 1: to do everything they can to help. But this is
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  Speaker 1: a really serious illness and we don't know exactly what's
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  Speaker 1: going to happen. But we'll always tell you the truth
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  Speaker 1: about how Daddy's doing if the kids are older, let's
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  Speaker 1: say twelve, fourteen, sixteen, I think not only can you,
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  Speaker 1: it's important that you are more direct. Dad's tumor is
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  Speaker 1: the kind that the doctors can't cure. We don't know
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  Speaker 1: how long we have together, but we're going to make
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  Speaker 1: sure that you know what's happening every step of the way,
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  Speaker 1: and we're going to make sure that we make the
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  Speaker 1: most of the time that we have that we're going
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  Speaker 1: to keep it sacred and make it work. The key
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  Speaker 1: is matching the information to your child's developmental stage, while
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  Speaker 1: never lying or giving any kind of false hope.
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  Speaker 3: When you're dealing with such complex challenges and specifically heartache.
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  Speaker 3: At this time, emotions are rampant. They're all over the place,
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  Speaker 3: and when we're not able to at least acknowledge to
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  Speaker 3: our children why there's all that emotion, it's so hard
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  Speaker 3: for them to navigate because we're not who we usually
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  Speaker 3: are with them as well. We're grappling with our own emotions,
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  Speaker 3: and I just I think it's so important that we
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  Speaker 3: actually are able to not only give them the details,
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  Speaker 3: but share with them how we're feeling, help them to
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  Speaker 3: recognize it it's okay to be sad right now, it's
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  Speaker 3: okay to be really angry or I feel those things too,
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  Speaker 3: Like acknowledging emotion is so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: The load that you carry will be heavier if you
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  Speaker 1: try to keep it a secret. Yeah, and they're going
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  Speaker 1: to see through it anyway. Tho I know something's going
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  Speaker 1: on all right, misconnection. Well, I didn't interview anyone who
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  Speaker 1: was going through something like this. These four hundred Australian
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  Speaker 1: teenage girls that I interviewed and surveyed consistently highlighted that
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  Speaker 1: one of the biggest concerns that they carry as adolescent
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  Speaker 1: girls is knowing that there's something wrong with mum or dad,
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  Speaker 1: or a sister or a brother or somebody and they
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  Speaker 1: don't know the details. They said things like my parents
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  Speaker 1: well being When I said, what do you worry about
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  Speaker 1: the most? The second thing that I want to add
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  Speaker 1: really quickly hear is when you're talking to your kids
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  Speaker 1: about this and it's happening in your family, you want,
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  Speaker 1: to the degree that it's possible maintain routine and maintain
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  Speaker 1: rituals that you have or even create new ones. Kids
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  Speaker 1: need anchors when things are upside down, so we want
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  Speaker 1: to keep as much of their normal life and routine
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  Speaker 1: in harmony with what it always has been. Just keep
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  Speaker 1: it as consistent as possible, whether at school or sports
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  Speaker 1: or friendships, because we're not going to be distracting them
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  Speaker 1: from grief. What we're going to do instead is increase
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  Speaker 1: their feeling that the world is still stable in these
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  Speaker 1: domains when this core domain is absolutely rocking. But I
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  Speaker 1: also like the idea of creating new rituals that are
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  Speaker 1: going to help the family to stay connected during a
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  Speaker 1: tough time. So it might be that we decide that
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  Speaker 1: every Sunday morning is that special breakfast, or we have
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  Speaker 1: these daily check ins where we're making sure that everyone's
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  Speaker 1: doing okay and solving problems together.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, we come together at the end of the day
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  Speaker 3: and list the things that we're grateful for. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: These rituals are going to give kids predictable times where
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  Speaker 1: they get to connect, they get to process what's happening. Now.
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  Speaker 1: If your kids need to support a friend, we'll talk
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  Speaker 1: about how to help them them next. Okay, Kylie, let's
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  Speaker 1: talk about what we can do when our children. Let's
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  Speaker 1: say we've got a child who's five, six, seven, eight
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  Speaker 1: and they want to support a friend who's going through
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  Speaker 1: a hard time. I've just got two core ideas that
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  Speaker 1: I want to share, and I'm sure that you'll have
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  Speaker 1: some ideas to add as well. The first is that
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  Speaker 1: we want to teach them to just be consistently caring
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  Speaker 1: towards their friends. So a seven year old, for example,
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  Speaker 1: is not going to be able to fix this situation.
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  Speaker 1: But what they can do is they can show that
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  Speaker 1: they care in really, really simple ways. So I'm looking
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  Speaker 1: to help him to understand that his job isn't to
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  Speaker 1: make his friend feel better, it's just to be a
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  Speaker 1: good friend. When they feel like it's their job to
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  Speaker 1: help someone to cheer up in a circumstance that where
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  Speaker 1: that's impossible, that doesn't work, but just being a good
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  Speaker 1: friend does. So playing together normally, sharing toys or outings,
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  Speaker 1: going for a ride together, or even knowing when to
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  Speaker 1: step in and give them a hug and say I'm
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  Speaker 1: sorry that your mum or your dad or your parent
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  Speaker 1: is sick, like those things are what good friends do.
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  Speaker 1: I also, I have a script that I think is
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  Speaker 1: useful here, something that you can teach him to practice,
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  Speaker 1: saying I don't know what to say, but I care
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  Speaker 1: about you, like if somebody just says that, what an impact.
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  Speaker 3: Well, even just acknowledging it looks like you're really sad today.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know what to say, but I just want
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  Speaker 3: you to know that I noticed.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I noticed you. I care about you. I can
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  Speaker 1: tell you having a bad day. I mean a lot
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  Speaker 1: of adults even struggle in that situation, So this will
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  Speaker 1: be a useful script for adults as well. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know what to say, but I really care about you.
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  Speaker 1: I'm here for you. But giving kids permission to acknowledge
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  Speaker 1: that will while still showing that they care, I think
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  Speaker 1: is really valuable. The second thing that I wanted to
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  Speaker 1: emphasize is this our job as adults is that if
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  Speaker 1: we can support the adults, we're going to actually be
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  Speaker 1: supporting our children and their children as well. So practical
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  Speaker 1: support things like can I pick up the groceries for
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  Speaker 1: you on Tuesday? Hope if I took the kids for
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  Speaker 1: a few hours on Saturday? Do you and your husband
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  Speaker 1: wife partner need some time, We'd love to support you
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  Speaker 1: by looking after the kids and giving you a weekend
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  Speaker 1: away or something like that. That kind of practical stuff
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  Speaker 1: makes such a difference.
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  Speaker 3: I want to take that a little bit further. If
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  Speaker 3: you're in a close relationship with someone it's not an
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  Speaker 3: acquaintance from school and you know your kids play, but
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  Speaker 3: you don't really know the parents, Like this is.
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  Speaker 1: Your best friend, and you can hear from the voice
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  Speaker 1: note that we've received that this is somebody who's closed,
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  Speaker 1: this is really affecting.
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  Speaker 3: Then I think that it's actually well within the realms
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  Speaker 3: of a caring friend to actually make some of those
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  Speaker 3: decisions for them. We want to take the burden of
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  Speaker 3: the cognitive load off them when people so.
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  Speaker 1: Are you saying, like, just just show up on Thursday
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  Speaker 1: night with dinner and say or at four o'clock give
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  Speaker 1: them a call, don't worry about dinner tonight. I'm bringing
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  Speaker 1: it around.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. So I found myself in this exact situation. My
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  Speaker 3: best friend rang me one night and told me that
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  Speaker 3: her husband was being worked on by paramedics, and by
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  Speaker 3: the time I got there, he passed away. And as
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  Speaker 3: I watched her walk through the motions of life over
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  Speaker 3: the next years, I mean years, This took years, and
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  Speaker 3: still the one thing that she reiterated to me was
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  Speaker 3: just the acknowledgment that people would ask her what she needed.
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  Speaker 3: She had no idea what she needed, like she couldn't
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  Speaker 3: even yeah, I think for herself, let alone think for
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  Speaker 3: somebody else. And if somebody's able to see a need
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  Speaker 3: and fill it without me having to think, then that's
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  Speaker 3: the greatest gift.
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  Speaker 1: So what sort of thing? What did you do? And
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  Speaker 1: I'm not going to steal your thunder. I want you
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  Speaker 1: to actually describe what you did, because I didn't see
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  Speaker 1: you for a few weeks, like you were absolutely just
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  Speaker 1: doing so much to support our friend. What did you
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  Speaker 1: specifically do?
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  Speaker 3: Because of the nature of it, she had lots of
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  Speaker 3: people in and out of her house, so I pretty
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  Speaker 3: much stayed in the kitchen. I managed all the food
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  Speaker 3: that came in and out. I made sure that she
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  Speaker 3: had meals because she would literally just greet people as
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  Speaker 3: they would come in the doors. And this would happen
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  Speaker 3: all day for days, for days and days and days,
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  Speaker 3: And if I didn't put food in front of her,
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  Speaker 3: she wouldn't have eaten and she wouldn't even have thought
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  Speaker 3: to take a drink. You know, when your grief is
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  Speaker 3: so deep, you don't think about the things that you
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  Speaker 3: know you need to keep you going.
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  Speaker 1: So what's really going on here is this modeling, showing
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  Speaker 1: up for somebody in a crisis, practical care, consistent presence,
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  Speaker 1: allowing space for difficult emotions that come with these kinds
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  Speaker 1: of situations. And what I think is also really useful
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  Speaker 1: is saying, hey, your kids are welcome here. Our place
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  Speaker 1: is a safe place for your kids. If you need
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  Speaker 1: a break, if you just need some time out so
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  Speaker 1: that you can be together as a couple, you can
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  Speaker 1: have that time. Sometimes kids that are dealing with this
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  Speaker 1: sort of thing in their home, they just need a
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  Speaker 1: safe space where they can laugh and play and maybe forget,
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  Speaker 1: at least temporarily about all the heavy things that are
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: going on in their lives. Take them for a walk
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  Speaker 1: down to the park and buy ice creams and kick
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  Speaker 1: a ball around and get them in nature and.
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  Speaker 3: That have a great big mama hug, like literally just
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  Speaker 3: be enveloped.
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  Speaker 1: That kind of practical support makes I think, such a difference.
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  Speaker 1: We really hope that there has been a helpful conversation.
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  Speaker 1: We hope very much that things somehow can turn around
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  Speaker 1: or at least be alleviated for families who are going
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: through these kinds of very very difficult situations. It's just
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: so tough. Next week, another tricky question. If you'd like
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: to submit yours for next time, happy families dot com
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: dot you record your message or send a voicemail to
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Big thanks
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: to Justin Rulin from Bridge Media for producing the pod. Memhammonds,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: as always, looks after the research, the admin and resources.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: Please share the pod, tell others about it, past this
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: episode along if you think it'll help, and visit happy
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: families dot com do I use for more resources to
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: make your family happier