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200. The Keys To A Happy And Long Lasting Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Opening: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Opening: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Opening: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Opening: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:40
Nick: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and welcome to the podcast today.
0:46
Nick: We also have our dog sitting on Amy's lap.
0:49
Nick: So well, one of our three dogs sitting on Amy's lap.
0:52
Nick: So hopefully he doesn't participate in the podcast today, but if he does, just be a little patient.
1:00
Amy: Too bad.
1:01
Nick: Too bad.
1:01
Nick: So we thought we would get this podcast started with a good Would you Rather question again.
1:09
Nick: We haven't done these in the past few weeks.
1:10
Nick: You're going to like this one, all right.
1:16
Nick: So if you have the Ultimate Intimacy app, there's a lot of Great Would you Rather questions.
1:21
Nick: There's a lot of fun ones.
1:22
Nick: This is kind of just a section where it prompts you to just ask fun questions and see what your spouse thinks and can cause some great conversations.
1:32
Nick: So Would you Rather know how you're going to die or know how I am going to die?
1:40
Amy: Can I ask you first?
1:43
Nick: Sure, you can ask me first, would you?
1:44
Amy: rather know how I'm going to die or how you're going to die.
1:48
Nick: I'd like to know how I'm going to die.
1:49
Amy: How you're going to die.
1:52
Nick: I'd be okay with that, like saying, okay, if I'm going to die in this many years, here's how I'm going to die.
1:57
Nick: What can I do to better prepare?
2:01
Amy: Yeah, I'd probably pick myself.
2:04
Nick: Yeah, I don't want to know how you're going to die.
2:07
Nick: That would be sad.
2:08
Nick: That would be sad.
2:09
Amy: yeah, that would be sad and if you know how, is it how you're going to die?
2:14
Amy: Or when, would you say?
2:16
Nick: Yeah, how you're going to die, yep.
2:20
Amy: I don't know if I want to know either of those hey you have to answer because that's the Would you Rather?
2:26
Nick: question.
2:27
Amy: I'd probably pick me, but I'm not too worried about you dying because your family is super healthy.
2:35
Amy: His mom is like a rock star.
2:36
Amy: She's what high 70s and still bikes across countries.
2:44
Opening: I guess I should say not continents.
2:46
Amy: Yeah 100 mile bike rides weekly, still travels the world.
2:51
Amy: It's literally inspiring to watch.
2:53
Nick: She has no sign of slowing down.
2:55
Nick: She might be 110 and still be going strong.
2:58
Amy: She has more energy than I do by triple.
3:00
Amy: Yeah, she's crazy so if you've got her genes, you've got a good life ahead of you.
3:04
Nick: We'll see.
3:05
Nick: You never know.
3:06
Nick: Never know, you never know.
3:07
Nick: So today's episode is we wanted to combine we've talked about a lot of you know a lot of different things in previous episodes of like you know, what you can do to improve your marriage or have a successful marriage.
3:20
Nick: We wanted to kind of just simplify and combine a lot of things that can help couples have a successful marriage, and I feel like there's like certain things or essential things that a marriage must have to have a successful marriage.
3:38
Nick: And then there's kind of the you know, the B's and C's that hey, these are some other things you should do to, you know, obviously have a good marriage too, but I think there's some things that are almost like non-negotiable, so to speak, that you just you really have to implement in your marriage.
3:54
Nick: And then, like I said, the things that are maybe a little less important but you still need to do Still important, yeah, so I think just diving in, the first thing you need to do as a couple is identify what successful means to you, because what a successful marriage means to Amy and I might be completely different than what a successful marriage means to you and your wife, and so I don't know what are some of your thoughts on how a couple can, or maybe even what we do, but to define or identify what a successful marriage means.
4:31
Nick: I mean you and I talk about that often like here's what success means to us and here's what a successful marriage means to us.
4:38
Nick: Don't you feel like?
4:40
Amy: Yeah, for sure, I think.
4:43
Nick: We're on the same page, right.
4:44
Nick: We're both like have the same goals.
4:46
Nick: We're like this is what successful means to us.
4:48
Nick: This is what we want to implement.
4:50
Nick: This is what we want to do.
4:51
Nick: How do we get there?
4:54
Amy: So I think a lot of couples obviously they're upbringing affects that, right they don't really know how amazing it can be if they haven't watched an amazing marriage before.
5:06
Amy: Or, yeah, I think it totally comes down to talking about it because I think we both, I think every couple comes together and has totally different expectations on what their marriage should or needs to look like, right?
5:21
Nick: So and again, just to really hit on this, I think that's where social media and so many things that we see are very detrimental, because we see what is portrayed of what something should look like.
5:33
Nick: And, again, Amy's and my marriage is going to look completely different than someone else's marriage, and that's okay, because we come from different backgrounds.
5:43
Nick: Maybe we have different goals, maybe we have different Beliefs or political views or you know a slew of a ton of different things that shape us, who we are, and so, again, our goals Might be, or what art, what I should say success in our marriage might be different and will probably look different than what other people are.
6:04
Amy: Yeah, and I think some people want that passion and romance and the giddiness of marriage, like the it first started throughout, and I think some people are okay with it not being like that.
6:17
Amy: Just you know, just okay with a nice, stable, healthy marriage, like we, like you said, depending on how we grow up and what we watched and what we put in our minds and what we expect.
6:26
Amy: I don't know.
6:27
Amy: I just think they're all different, which is why you said don't compare, like we have to really just remember not to compare our marriages.
6:34
Nick: And the second point to this is a lot of couples don't talk about these things right, like if I have in my mind what is successful, successful marriage looks like to me.
6:43
Nick: Amy has in her mind what a successful marriage looks to her.
6:48
Nick: A lot of times couples have in their mind what that looks like and then those things might look different, but they don't discuss that.
6:54
Nick: Sometimes.
6:55
Nick: We often just assume that, oh, if I feel this way, that this is how a successful marriage looks to me, than my spouse has got to be feeling the same way.
7:04
Nick: So I think it's really important to sit down and talk about this and say, okay, what is a successful marriage look like to us for our marriage?
7:12
Nick: What are the goals that we have?
7:13
Nick: What do we want to accomplish?
7:14
Nick: What does this look like, and really sit down and be in agreement, I guess, so to speak, on what success or define what success looks like in your relationship.
7:27
Nick: But I think there are certain things that an essential things that a marriage must have to be successful.
7:35
Nick: So let's, let's talk about first, kind of, I would say, the essential things that I think every marriage needs to have to be successful, and then we'll get into the other things as well.
7:45
Nick: So what do you think is number one?
7:50
Opening: We talk about this.
7:52
Amy: I mean, we talk about this a little bit it's kind of the most important thing and the most boring thing to talk about, for sure.
7:59
Amy: For us communication yeah, absolutely not just communication, really good communication, deep, honest, vulnerable communication, which is very hard for some people, I'm realizing.
8:13
Nick: Yeah, as Amy and I are around a lot of different people, talk to a lot of different people.
8:18
Nick: The single most important thing where things break down for couples is lack of communication.
8:24
Nick: I have yet to meet a couple that communicates really well and has, like serious marital issues.
8:33
Nick: For now maybe there is, but all the people that we know that have great communication.
8:38
Nick: Yeah, they might be struggling with different things, they might have different obstacles or different circumstances going on in their life, but when they have great communication, it's amazing to see how well their relationship is.
8:49
Nick: For sure, that's your experience with that.
8:53
Nick: I mean, I just think that communication isn't just about talking to each other it's much deeper than that.
8:58
Amy: It's how you communicate.
8:59
Amy: It's how you Don't roll your eyes, it's how you don't use the negative tones, how you're positive.
9:10
Amy: Like communication is not the fix.
9:12
Amy: It's called healthy communication.
9:13
Amy: That's the fix.
9:14
Amy: There's a huge difference, because people can talk and have a conversation all day long, but if it's toxic in any way or degrading in any way or pointing fingers in any way, that's not great communication.
9:23
Amy: That's not gonna help anything.
9:27
Nick: Yeah, that's a great point so when we say communication, we're talking about healthy, good communication yeah, I'm glad you brought that up, because that there is a difference and I can't believe how many people or how many couples.
9:41
Amy: Don't Like healthy communication, like they literally all their communications or conversations turn into arguments and disagreements and fights and pointing fingers.
9:50
Amy: So yeah it's.
9:55
Amy: It's a real tool to have in your marriage if you have healthy communication.
9:59
Nick: Yeah, and as many of you know from listening to the podcast, I mean, I think Amy and I Were were close to not making it at certain times and I really think the biggest difference was the communication.
10:12
Nick: Right like we, we thought we had good communication but we really didn't.
10:17
Amy: And Once we learned how to have really good, honest, open, effective communication, I think that's when our relationship completely transformed, at least that's my, my point of view well, let me add something it's not great communication unless the other person is listening to the person, because I can tell Nick all day long where the disconnect in is our marriage, and if he isn't listening or caring, that does nothing for a marriage and so listening is part of communication.
10:46
Amy: Like you have to not just listen but like here and care what your spouse is saying.
10:51
Nick: That literally goes with it, for sure yeah, the next essential thing your marriage must have is respect for each other.
11:00
Amy: That one's hard, that one's hard for a lot of couples, because respect to me and the people argue this all day long to me, respect is earned.
11:07
Amy: I think, people, I think you have to earn respect, or maybe you have respect until you lose it and then you have to earn it back.
11:14
Nick: however that works, I think respect is earned, to a part, yeah, and regardless of what People view is all it has to be earned, or you give it right away and then hopefully you don't lose it.
11:26
Nick: Regardless.
11:27
Nick: You have to have that respect.
11:28
Nick: Whether it's lost or has been lost, you know, whatever that is, you have to have that respect for each other.
11:35
Amy: And that's part of marriage, like if you make a mistake, which is totally human, normal in marriage, you have to be, you have to have humility and apologize and fix it in order to get that respect back.
11:46
Amy: Like that, time has to be served right.
11:49
Nick: And it goes back to communication as well to like, if I think the times where I wasn't really listening to you, then the respect was kind of gone right, and the times that I, when I started listening to you and actually in those conversations and the the respect can get back or that trust can get back, it was much deeper.
12:09
Amy: But yes, yeah, I'm simplifying things yeah.
12:13
Amy: It was a lack of listening.
12:14
Amy: It was much deeper things.
12:16
Amy: But everybody has those things in their marriage.
12:18
Amy: Everyone has those things that, like things have gotten really crappy because someone made a really bad choice for the marriage and all sudden you lose your spec.
12:27
Amy: Like you, like a lot of women expect their husbands to, you know, be a provider and of security not all financial, but some financial and some security to be the man in the marriage right when he's not doing those things like, say, he Is jobless by choice for a long time or he is starting to drink and gamble or something or anything like that.
12:53
Amy: Like, say, some of those things get put into your marriage.
12:58
Amy: It's natural, I think, for adults for your spouse to lose respect, like if you let yourself go like we talked about these things like a parent, it's you know what I mean.
13:09
Amy: When you change from what you agreed to marrying, sometimes respect can be lost.
13:14
Amy: But this is where forgiveness comes in, like that's what makes us stronger is that we're always Someone's always gonna make a mistake, even if it's small.
13:22
Amy: Hopefully it's small, but that's where we grow and learn to love each other is forgiving and getting that respect back and working back on the marriage again, I think it just goes hand in hand and it takes a lot of work.
13:33
Amy: It just does.
13:34
Nick: Yeah, it does for sure.
13:35
Amy: Like people that are lazy and selfish, should not get married Right.
13:40
Nick: So the next one is boundaries.
13:42
Nick: I think this one's a huge one.
13:45
Nick: I think we often overlook this, or many marriages often overlook this, but I think this is a massive one that is essential.
13:54
Nick: You have to talk about, okay, what's acceptable, what's not acceptable in our marriage, and why is this not acceptable.
14:01
Nick: And then don't cross those lines.
14:07
Amy: Absolutely.
14:07
Amy: You're gonna go into those or no?
14:09
Amy: No.
14:10
Nick: I mean, I think we've done enough podcasts and things like that.
14:13
Nick: You can go check out the previous podcasts we've done.
14:16
Nick: We also have some great articles talking about boundaries and the importance of boundaries and the difference between boundaries and rules, because there is a difference.
14:23
Nick: We kind of already hit on the fourth one, which is trust.
14:28
Nick: We kind of talked a little bit about that kind of with respect.
14:31
Amy: Trust is built from maintaining boundaries.
14:33
Amy: You set boundaries together in your marriage, whether it's around social media, whether it's on who you hang out with, like those kind of things, and then, as you watch your spouse follow those boundaries, that creates trust in your marriage.
14:48
Amy: Like, me and Nick sat down when we first got married and said this is how we look at this, this is how we're gonna look at this.
14:53
Amy: We set some really good boundaries that we both completely agreed to and over the years that has built trust because we both see each other thriving to follow those boundaries, to both protect our marriage.
15:07
Nick: That creates a lot of trust.
15:08
Nick: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
15:09
Nick: I was gonna go back to boundaries, but I don't need to go back there.
15:14
Nick: But the fifth one is support.
15:17
Nick: I think supporting each other in each other's dreams and goals and ambitions, just in every aspect, I think is extremely important.
15:29
Amy: I was just thinking what are you?
15:30
Nick: laughing at I don't know.
15:31
Amy: This like kitchen of you, like coming to me and being like I think I want to be a singer.
15:38
Opening: Have you heard me sing?
15:39
Opening: I just like for a minute there was like.
15:42
Amy: I don't know that Nick makes fun of his own singing voice.
15:46
Amy: Just so you know.
15:47
Amy: I don't think I've ever heard him sing in a man voice because he literally like every time he opens his Matthew trace, is seeing in a high pitched voice to mock yourself.
15:57
Amy: I'm not sure what you're doing there, it's because I'm a great singer.
15:59
Nick: What song do you want me to sing?
16:00
Nick: I'll bust one out for the people listening.
16:03
Amy: Let's do it, just so they don't get mad at me.
16:04
Amy: Yeah.
16:07
Opening: No, we're talking.
16:08
Nick: We're talking about like supporting realistic things, right, oh, I was going to use, I was going to use this episode to say I want to be a singer and I want you to support me.
16:18
Amy: Okay, well, guess we're going to talk later.
16:20
Nick: Or I want to be an exotic dancer.
16:23
Nick: Yeah, no, that probably won't happen, because I'm short, white and bald, so anyway, so talking about supporting healthy endeavors, correct?
16:35
Amy: Correct yeah, if your spouse comes to you and says I'm going to party and drink every weekend.
16:41
Amy: That's not something that you should support.
16:44
Nick: Yeah, our audience knows what we're talking about supporting healthy, like goals and dreams, realistic things, things that you can really get behind and work on together.
16:54
Amy: But if it really is beneficial for them, for their health and lifestyle, and it would benefit them being happy and healthy, then awesome.
17:02
Amy: So Amy is.
17:03
Nick: Amy, I, like I maybe am not realistic a lot I love to go places and Amy is really good at supporting my unrealistic expectations Sometimes of wanting to go somewhere.
17:18
Nick: So you yeah, you are very supportive.
17:21
Amy: But it's very true, all right.
17:23
Nick: Okay, let's dive into the other keys of a successful marriage.
17:29
Amy: Lower keys are just as big.
17:30
Amy: These are the bees.
17:33
Nick: These are like the other ones, are like your house keys.
17:36
Nick: These are more like your mailbox here.
17:38
Amy: Okay.
17:39
Nick: You're less well, maybe still important.
17:41
Nick: But yeah, bad example, but yeah, these are the other keys of a successful marriage.
17:46
Nick: But if you're not great in these areas, you can still have a good marriage.
17:50
Nick: So I think, forgiving easily and moving on, realizing that you're going to make mistakes, your spouse is going to make mistakes, so I think that ability to to forgive easily and move on, I think it's a big thing.
18:06
Amy: Shoot, I didn't even see your list.
18:07
Amy: I kind of blew are like the first three by already talking about them.
18:10
Opening: That's okay, that's all right.
18:12
Nick: We'll get a gift ahead.
18:12
Nick: I didn't even know Um you, you were totally inspired Just.
18:17
Amy: I guess.
18:17
Amy: Yeah, yeah, forgiving can be really hard, but it that should be up there at the top, because that's, I don't know, it's something you have to do, whether you like it or not.
18:27
Nick: Well, look at the couples that like hold the grudge.
18:29
Nick: You can see people in their personality.
18:31
Nick: The ones like hold the garage aren't able to forgive.
18:34
Nick: They're miserable, right, absolutely miserable.
18:38
Amy: It's the, it's the snakes venom that kills you, not the bite.
18:43
Nick: That's deep baby.
18:44
Nick: Everyone's already heard that.
18:46
Amy: Everyone's already heard that.
18:47
Amy: But when resentment is like poison, it only kills you.
18:50
Amy: It doesn't kill everyone around you.
18:51
Amy: When you hold on to crap, hold on to resentment, you boil inside.
18:56
Amy: You're the one that's boiling inside that's affecting you negatively, not necessarily anyone else.
19:01
Amy: So it's it's such a great analogy because it's true.
19:05
Amy: True that you just got to learn to let stuff go.
19:09
Nick: Take responsibility.
19:10
Nick: So this will be taking responsibility for your actions, the mistakes that you made, like owning up to them.
19:16
Nick: Humility instead of pointing your finger and blaming others, which we all have a tendency to want to do humility.
19:23
Nick: This was your fault.
19:23
Nick: I did this because of you.
19:27
Amy: Yeah, I did that last night to you.
19:29
Nick: You did yeah when.
19:32
Amy: Nick got an offender bender and I told him three times.
19:34
Nick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:35
Amy: I told him three times that day this was months ago Three times that day I said just take my car, just take my car.
19:40
Amy: And you wouldn't.
19:41
Amy: And last night I was like if you want to take my car, you would have been parked in a different spot, because my car's nice and he would have parked somewhere totally different.
19:49
Amy: And he threw it right back and he's like it doesn't matter, it's just something, and I'm like you're right, I'm just saying I'm guilty of this?
19:57
Nick: Are you saying I parked in the less nice part of the parking lot?
20:03
Amy: Well, you parked that car in a totally different area than you would ever park my car.
20:07
Amy: That is true, that is true 100% true, so it could have been.
20:12
Amy: I'm just saying I'm guilty of this because offside.
20:15
Amy: I was like if you would have listened to me, which is not the right thing to say, I'm admitting, but I have put many a flaws.
20:24
Nick: I should have listened to you for sure All right Implementing the two two, two role into your marriage.
20:32
Nick: I think this is a really.
20:34
Nick: This could probably move up towards the essential list that your marriage must have.
20:39
Amy: I can't decide which ones are essential and which ones aren't, because I feel like all of these are essential.
20:43
Amy: But I know that sounds overwhelming because there's so many that we're going to list.
20:47
Amy: But when you list them out you're like, oh, that should be easy, that should be easy, that should be.
20:53
Amy: I mean, they should be natural, right.
20:56
Nick: Yeah, If you love somebody they should be natural.
20:59
Nick: Yeah, I felt like if we broke them down to the essential and maybe a little less essential wouldn't be so relevant.
21:07
Amy: You could still have a great marriage without the 222 rule.
21:11
Amy: You could change it to the 111 or whatever.
21:15
Nick: If you don't know what that is, we get a tire, a pothole, and a lot of people have the 0, 0, 0.
21:20
Amy: That will not work for your marriage.
21:22
Nick: But the 222 rule I mean if you've listened to one of the previous podcasts is go on a date every two weeks.
21:31
Amy: Minimum.
21:32
Amy: Go on an overnighter every two months even if it's in your backyard right, we don't do that, just something like we need together.
21:39
Amy: We need to do better at that one.
21:41
Nick: And then go on a big trip together every two years.
21:43
Nick: And then, of course, I threw in an extra one make love every twice a week.
21:51
Nick: Twice a week.
21:52
Amy: Yes, At least, which I think All of those have an at least at least, except for the going out every other month.
21:59
Amy: That one's hard for a lot of people.
22:01
Nick: Yeah, but that is overnighted.
22:03
Nick: But they have done a lot of articles on this and for couples that do those things, they are typically very, very happy couples Because it kind of goes along with all the other things, with good communication and dating and yada, yada, yada.
22:18
Amy: So I totally agree.
22:20
Nick: I think that implements a lot of things.
22:21
Nick: The next one is keep sexual intimacy alive and well.
22:29
Amy: That one could be hard.
22:30
Amy: Yeah, you got nothing to say.
22:36
Nick: I just I have nothing to complain about.
22:38
Nick: No, I have nothing to complain about.
22:41
Nick: I am.
22:42
Amy: There's a lot of people that have a lot to complain about with this one.
22:45
Nick: Yeah, my mind was just thinking, but I think I was just going to say I don't think a lot of people realize how important sexual intimacy is in a relationship.
22:57
Amy: And it's very interesting Because every time we'll do a video or a post on sexual intimacy, about the lower drive spouse initiating more, fixing their low libido, whatever it is we hear from about 25% to 30% of women that say they're the ones with the higher drive.
23:17
Amy: So my point is is both women and men are being affected by the other spouse not keeping the sexual intimacy alive?
23:28
Amy: So it's just important to figure out what is happening there, and there's just so much to talk about when it comes to that.
23:35
Nick: Yeah, I was just going to say like and if there is a low desire, if one of the spouses is low desire, like, talk about it together and try to find out why that's happening and work together as a team and be understanding, but maybe try to understand why is that desire not there?
23:55
Amy: It's gone for a reason, especially if your spouse had it and then it left.
23:59
Amy: There's fixes to this, and the first key to fixing that is desiring to fix it.
24:06
Nick: Yeah.
24:06
Amy: Because we haven't really talked to this about low libido.
24:09
Amy: But I'll just throw myself here Like I'm low libido.
24:15
Amy: I flat out admit it.
24:16
Amy: It's hard for me to want to fix it when I'm not the one creating it.
24:20
Amy: Right, why would I want to fix something that I don't feel like is a problem?
24:24
Amy: That's not a problem for me, but it is affecting you.
24:27
Amy: So if it's affecting one of the spouses, it needs to be a problem for both the spouses, correct?
24:32
Amy: And that's where these conversations have to be made.
24:35
Nick: Yeah, I mean.
24:36
Nick: I say this all the time, regardless of what it is.
24:39
Nick: If something's important to you or if something's important to your spouse, it should be important to the other one, right?
24:48
Nick: Like if something's important to me, it should be important to Amy and vice versa, if something's important to her, it should be important to me.
24:55
Amy: If you're team players, yeah.
24:57
Nick: And that's why it's so important, just again, to work as a team, as a couple, instead of an individual thing, instead of a.
25:03
Nick: You and me.
25:04
Nick: Work together as an us or a we.
25:08
Opening: For sure.
25:09
Nick: But, moving on the next one, continue to be romantic.
25:13
Nick: So, romantic could be looked differently to a lot of people, absolutely.
25:22
Nick: So what does being romantic look like to you?
25:27
Amy: I would say that this one literally just needs to be rewritten.
25:33
Amy: This one needs to say speaking your spouse's love language.
25:37
Nick: Yeah.
25:37
Amy: That is what romance is is speaking your spouse's love language, and there's five of them and they're all going to be different for every like.
25:44
Amy: Every couple is going to have two different people with two different love languages.
25:48
Amy: You know what I mean.
25:49
Amy: So you can't buy someone flowers that doesn't like gifts.
25:54
Amy: You can't give them a bunch of compliments when they don't need compliments.
25:57
Amy: You have to find out what is romantic to that person, right?
26:02
Nick: Amy, you are wise.
26:04
Nick: Yeah, no, you're totally right, like it really shouldn't be continue to be romantic.
26:08
Amy: It should be speaking your spouse's love language daily.
26:12
Nick: Yeah, instead of your head spinning trying to figure out oh, how do I be romantic?
26:15
Nick: What do I do?
26:16
Nick: All you have to do is meet your spouse's love language.
26:19
Nick: Go, get on the app and take the quiz.
26:21
Amy: It's fun to take together too.
26:22
Amy: We have a short one on the quiz.
26:24
Amy: If you want to take the real one, go to their website.
26:26
Amy: It's amazing.
26:27
Nick: Yeah.
26:28
Amy: And it's important to know right.
26:31
Nick: Oh, absolutely Uplift and compliment each other.
26:35
Nick: I think in this day and age it's so easy to be negative and to look at the negatives and to talk down to other people or even our spouse or our family members.
26:50
Nick: It's amazing what just being uplifting, positive and complimenting each other can do.
26:58
Nick: I mean, it really is.
27:00
Nick: It's such a simple thing but it changes everything, in my opinion, absolutely.
27:06
Nick: I mean, I feel like I'm a pretty positive person by nature and I try to look at things like from a good standpoint of view and uplift people and things like that.
27:19
Nick: But on the flip side, it's amazing what just I guess what I'm getting to is I love that, I feel really good when I'm uplifting people and being positive and on the flip side, it's amazing how being negative and condescending can drag people down, especially your spouse.
27:37
Amy: And I can imagine being married to someone that was negative and I don't know, just negative.
27:44
Amy: That's got to be really hard.
27:45
Amy: My heart really goes out to someone that the glass is half empty.
27:48
Amy: Right, that changes everything in your marriage.
27:51
Nick: It really does.
27:52
Amy: So if that's a struggle in your marriage, go back and listen to our why it's so important to be positive.
27:56
Amy: I don't remember what the exact title was, but we talk all about positive attitude and just I don't know.
28:02
Amy: That definitely needs to be on the important list, and if you're being negative and not uplifting, it might be because of social media, right?
28:14
Nick: Yeah.
28:14
Nick: What are you putting in your life?
28:15
Nick: What are you consuming?
28:16
Nick: So much of what we look at, hear, read, listen to, consume in our lives really shapes our perception of things.
28:25
Nick: It dictates how we feel.
28:26
Nick: Right For sure.
28:27
Nick: So kind of all right here.
28:29
Nick: On the next one be realistic in your dreams, goals and your perspective on life.
28:33
Nick: Again, I think that's really important.
28:37
Amy: I think that one all comes down to expectations, yeah, right.
28:41
Nick: You have to have realistic expectations.
28:43
Nick: So I'm 5'11".
28:45
Nick: Maybe I'm stretching no 5'10".
28:49
Nick: If I came to Amy and said I want to play in the NBA, I mean I'm good and everything, but it's probably not going to happen.
28:57
Amy: Probably not going to happen.
28:57
Amy: Yeah, but more or less, as a couple, you've got to just not have expectations of your spouse.
29:06
Amy: Like trying to change them is kind of the way I look at it.
29:09
Amy: Like I can't expect you to be someone that you're not in vice versa, and we just have to learn to accept our weaknesses and strengths and kind of balance each other out right.
29:19
Nick: Yeah for sure.
29:19
Nick: The next one is divorce.
29:21
Nick: Never use the word divorce.
29:24
Nick: I think this is a really important one, man.
29:27
Nick: When we say things or even just allude to things, it can really open the door to really how we fill overall.
29:34
Nick: I mean, if you keep that door open for divorce, I mean when things get tough that just.
29:42
Nick: I don't know, it can be a really, really difficult thing.
29:46
Amy: This is a hard conversation because a lot of people feel very differently about this.
29:49
Amy: You know it's I mean as much.
29:53
Amy: Of us don't want to divorce, like also there are certain marriages where a divorce is needed.
30:00
Amy: But I agree, like never threaten with the word divorce, like it's definitely not going to help or benefit your marriage in any way.
30:09
Amy: Right?
30:10
Nick: I love the next one we did a podcast on this a long time ago which is Pray Together.
30:15
Nick: If I remember the statistic being correct, it was 2% of couples that pray together get divorced.
30:23
Nick: I mean that's a really low stat, right.
30:25
Nick: I mean, if you're praying together and it's a 98% success rate, I mean that simple thing can be obviously very, very big.
30:35
Amy: So you know, pray together and there's something about praying for your spouse in front of your spouse, like it just shows this like utmost love and care and I don't know genuine connection spiritually, like it's just I don't know.
30:52
Amy: There's just something super bonding about it, I think.
30:55
Nick: Agreed, I agree.
30:56
Nick: Yeah, Support and encourage each other.
31:00
Nick: We kind of already hit on that how important that is.
31:03
Nick: I was in the essentials no physical or emotional abuse of any kind.
31:08
Nick: I To me, like this is this probably needs to go up in the essential as well.
31:15
Nick: I mean, if you're in a marriage where your spouse is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, whatever, any kind of abuse like that to me should not be tolerated.
31:28
Nick: That's a deal killer to me.
31:31
Nick: Right, Absolutely, Absolutely.
31:33
Nick: Even if your spouse has a lot of other great qualities, if they're abusive, that's unacceptable.
31:39
Nick: So that should probably move up to the essentials.
31:41
Amy: That needs to be at the very top, and I truly believe and I know I've already said this that we teach people how to treat us.
31:50
Amy: Just don't allow it.
31:53
Amy: Don't accept it, say, if any and I'm talking even just little swearing at you or calling names.
32:01
Amy: Those aren't little to me.
32:02
Amy: Those are probably really big to some people.
32:04
Amy: That would not be tolerated in our marriage by either of us.
32:07
Amy: But a lot of people just look past that and don't feel like that's major.
32:12
Amy: So we all come from different situations, different backgrounds, which taught us what's acceptable and what's not right.
32:18
Nick: For sure, for sure.
32:20
Amy: But I'm just saying from a healthy relationship, when somebody is calling names or always blaming or always withholding.
32:29
Amy: Those kind of things are toxic and I don't think they should be tolerated.
32:32
Amy: I would definitely put your foot down, say no more.
32:36
Nick: No, no, I'm not tolerating it anymore yeah.
32:38
Nick: Agreed Quality time together.
32:41
Nick: I think that's a really important one.
32:44
Nick: If you're not spending quality time together, you're not connecting, you're not going on date nights, you're not strengthening your relationship.
32:50
Nick: So many relationships fall apart because they use the excuse that they're too busy, they don't have time to connect, and that goes in so many directions Like quality time together.
33:01
Nick: How often do we hear that, oh, we don't make love because we just don't have the time, we're too tired, right.
33:08
Amy: I think it's comical.
33:09
Amy: I literally cannot understand this one.
33:11
Amy: If you saw my post recently, I did a post that said you have 10,080 hours in your week.
33:21
Amy: If you can't spend 30 minutes a day every day of the week, 30 minutes a day and at least two 30-minute sessions of being intimate together a week out of all 10,000 hours, you need to change your priorities.
33:40
Nick: Yeah yeah, something wrong.
33:42
Amy: Something is definitely wrong in your marriage.
33:44
Amy: 30 minutes to an hour a day when you have 10,000 hours in a week.
33:50
Nick: I'm sorry Well what's amazing to me is when people date, they will literally move mountains to spend time together.
33:57
Nick: They will do anything to spend that quality time together and for a lot of couples, they get married and they just use the excuse oh, we just don't have the time.
34:06
Nick: You made the time when you were dating.
34:09
Amy: Let me ask you one question.
34:10
Amy: If you don't think you have the time, go to your phone right now.
34:13
Amy: Look at your screen time.
34:15
Amy: You know those little things you get every Sunday morning and you're like aw crap.
34:19
Nick: I spent an average of X amount of hours on my phone Hours on my phone a day.
34:23
Amy: Yeah, tell me that if you have more than 30 minutes a day on your phone, you don't have time for your spouse.
34:31
Nick: Yeah, that's crazy.
34:31
Nick: Put your phone down.
34:32
Amy: It's about priorities, right.
34:33
Nick: Yeah.
34:34
Nick: And the final one is put your marriage first before anything else, including your kids.
34:39
Nick: Oh, I wish I could see people's responses are rolling their eyes when we say before the kids, I can't believe you would say we have to put our marriage before our kids.
34:50
Nick: We can't neglect our kids.
34:53
Nick: You're saying that we should just ignore our kids?
34:56
Nick: Nope, no, we're not saying that at all.
34:58
Nick: Your kids might require eight hours a day, and you might require your spouse might require 30 minutes a day.
35:05
Nick: We understand it's not a matter of time.
35:08
Nick: We understand your kids are going to take a lot more time than being together as a couple.
35:12
Nick: What we're saying, though, is you have to prioritize your marriage and make that time, no matter what.
35:19
Nick: There can't be any, I guess negotiation on that right Like.
35:24
Nick: You have to make time for your marriage and put your marriage first, and your kids are going to benefit tremendously from seeing a mom and dad that love each other and support each other and make time for each other.
35:38
Amy: My question is are you putting your phone before your kids too?
35:41
Amy: Because I heard the phones were coming before kids and marriage.
35:46
Amy: So whatever that is that's keeping you from putting your marriage first, or just even giving your marriage those 30 minutes to an hour a day that it needs something can be prioritized better For most couples out there, if you put your marriage first, before everything else and again, that looks differently, but at least like prioritizing X amount of time each day.
36:12
Nick: For some couples they only might need 30 minutes a day.
36:15
Nick: For other couples they might need more than that.
36:16
Nick: But whatever that is, if you put your marriage first, the chances are you're going to have a very, very happy marriage, and so many other things that we've talked about are going to fall into line as well, too.
36:31
Amy: And your kids are going to be happier.
36:33
Amy: Like our kids know our marriage come first.
36:37
Amy: It's not because we neglected anyway, but they know Friday nights or date nights.
36:40
Amy: They know that we're gonna go on a trip every so often.
36:44
Amy: They know that we're gonna shut the door at a certain time once in a while so that we can be alone.
36:50
Amy: Like they get that our marriage is important because it made a very big stance on that and they look up to that.
36:56
Amy: They can't wait.
36:57
Amy: They're like oh, I can't wait to have a marriage like you and dads one day.
37:01
Amy: Like they say stuff like that to us.
37:02
Amy: They compliment our marriage, they compliment our family.
37:06
Amy: There's when your kids have a stable, amazing family unity because the marriage is strong.
37:15
Amy: They gain so much out of that.
37:18
Amy: Like I don't understand how so many moms and some husbands can say my marriage doesn't come first because that, literally, is the best gift you could ever give your children.
37:29
Nick: Oh, totally.
37:29
Nick: And that doesn't mean Amy's and mine's marriage is perfect, because it's not.
37:33
Nick: I mean we struggle with things just like everyone else do, but that's one thing is, we do put our marriage first, and because we put our marriage first, I think we're able to get through a lot of the other things so much easier.
37:46
Nick: Right, because we prioritize our marriage, other things become less important.
37:53
Amy: Absolutely yeah.
37:54
Amy: And, like you said, it doesn't mean marriage is perfect.
37:57
Amy: But our kids, if they see that we're having a disagreement, they see that we reconnect, they see that we come back together in love and forgiveness, they see all those things that we go through which are not negative for them to see that's very good for them to see.
38:10
Amy: You don't have to have a perfect marriage to show your kids what a good marriage is.
38:15
Amy: It's about going through stuff and being even stronger.
38:19
Nick: Yeah for sure.
38:20
Nick: So hopefully, the things that we talked about today, the keys to having a successful marriage, hopefully a couple hit home for you and resonated, and you know some things you can identify that maybe, hey, I can do a little bit better in this area, or maybe we as a couple can do better in this area, and as you do those things, you're going to see your marriage flourish and see your connection just become so much stronger as a couple.
38:46
Nick: So, but before we part, we want to remind you of the ultimate intimacy and adventure retreat on March 21st to the 24th of 2024.
39:00
Nick: This is a great Christmas gift for your spouse.
39:04
Nick: If you haven't been to the same George area, it is spectacular.
39:08
Nick: It's an amazing time of year.
39:10
Nick: That time Temperatures are typically, you know, nice high 70s, low 80s.
39:16
Nick: We're going to have a great time.
39:18
Nick: This year we implemented a new adventure that I think is going to be quite exciting for the majority of people that probably never done anything like it.
39:29
Nick: So go check it out at ultimateintosycom slash retreats and let us know.
39:33
Nick: If you have any questions, amy and I are here to answer them for you, and we hope all of you enjoyed the podcast.
39:40
Nick: So until next time.
39:42
Nick: We hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.