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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the The Just -The Finesse of Balance: Weighing Piety Against Peace 2.4.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Again, we have a concept which is very delicate, which applied
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  many ways, which the idea is that a person has to have
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  balance when they're being a Hassid.
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  Hassid means being a person who is heavily dedicated to doing
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  certain things about Hashem, lover, other Jews, doing with
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  swords, even being mock me in certain areas.
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  You're very dedicated. We have the balance.
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  Balance means you don't push too much to one side.
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  So we give examples of, let's say, ignoring the family, but
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  then I'm too dedicated to a certain Yan or examples of
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  ignoring Shalom because I'm too dedicated to to building
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  organization, right. Or another example of ER is is
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  ignoring the not factoring in the fact that you know you're
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  going to get people triggered and ticked off and upset and
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  insulted and stuff like that when you do certain home roads,
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  right? There's a very delicate area guy
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  as a home Rd. that he keeps. He's very strict in a certain
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  area and he has a family around him.
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  I'm just going to get very nervous of him.
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  The Messiah, shame is telling you, assuming it's a real humra,
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  be careful. Don't do that in public.
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  Do it in private. And now at 4:25 he brings up a
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  sukuma shamar. Go privately with Hashem, which
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  means you do with things. You go very strict in turn
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  areas, but do a private hakama Hasidim.
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  How many righteous great people? Thank you Kama khazidim gudolim
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  he me who? Me me not a khazidu Tam BU Tam
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  binamonam. I wanna.
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  They would not practice their actual level shiency when they
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  were in public. Imagine a person who does tikkun
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  hatsuot every night. OK when I was living by the
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  quota 2 weeks ago, in my mind I said I wanted to go check out.
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  I never got a chance to do it and I'm like, I want to go check
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  out. So imagine I did not see it,
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  yes, I went. So one night I came home from
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  the sway very late. And I went there.
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  And sort of like all that you have to also see in the sack of
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  right. So imagine a person's a real
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  Hassid. I need to go house that, he
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  says, talking about destruction. And he sits on the ground and
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  cries every neck. And there are the people in
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  history. This is part of it's, it's part
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  of our structure. And there are the people, even
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  recent history who do it. You and I don't know that they
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  do it, but they do it. It's considered a very high
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  level. It's something that's, you know,
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  big deal, fine. In the old days that I've been
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  to, talk was the center. He's sitting in the Albright.
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  Fair so that this guy does in his home Exactly and he doesn't
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  let his family or definitely not his friends know that he does it
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  because it's considered a high level it's Kava people know
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  about it fine. What'd you say?
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  But is it a higher level if you don't let people know you?
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  Here's the thing. Let's say now he's with family
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  on vacation with friends on vacation and comes Khazzot and
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  he now he's debating guys, he's got to leave the park.
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  He ain't got to leave the party. Now he's they go answer.
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  We regard, but you got to leave the party.
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  We go out to do it to go with that.
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  So so he asked me. They did he do a Shayna say
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  tongue you That's not going privately.
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  What Hashem would tell you in this scenario.
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  Maybe he tells himself I'm going to skip tonight because I don't
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  want to act with Dava to my friends.
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  I don't want to make it like I'm a you know, and we have a
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  consequence called Mexiquiera. It seems you seem a little
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  arrogant. It's a consequence across the
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  board. That's example of a henihumen.
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  I get kasi dutam you're not going to practice your extreme
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  kasi dute biotam benamona amwale.
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  You're part of the regular people between the merci qui
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  Ora. Because it seems a little
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  arrogant. That's the concept.
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  It seems a little pretentious. close to the bar.
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  Here's the rule. Call Mazu E carre de mitzvah on
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  page 426. Any practice which is basic
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  kalaha. You cannot ever sacrifice basic
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  kalaha no matter what, no matter where, no matter how you
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  practice halacha. If you're on vacation, you keep
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  kosher. If you're on vacation, you keep
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  Shiva, you keep the laws. But if it's an extra, which is
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  like I gave you an example of tuku hot, so that's a classic
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  example or some other extra, then you debate, if I practice
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  this in public, am I going to do more good than harm or maybe
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  more harm than good? Yasir, if they call Malik, if
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  it's, if it's actual koala, Khadu, no matter what.
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  But if it's not, it's not extra. It's not, it's not basic, it's
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  extra and it's going to trigger more harm than good.
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  People are going to make fun. People are going to say oh so
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  and so. He thinks he's religious, he
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  thinks he's a rabbi. All those comments are going to
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  come up and it's not the core and extra now in our community.
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  Maybe debates now once it becomes practice once it becomes
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  practice, it's you can't do anymore.
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  Once it becomes practice, it's hard to apply.
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  That's what I gave you was just an extreme example of something
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  that's so extra. Maybe that better Tom keeping
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  waiting till I better Tom time on a Saturday night.
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  If you never made it, that might be 1 right?
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  No, everyone's doing it. But if you made out like, let's
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  say you're in a family, if you better the real law and then you
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  want to switch back, no, that's not the no very different story.
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  All right, You have to have an example that's extra loyal to
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  sue. You're not going to apply.
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  And what's the overall theme? And again, everyone's going to
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  try to apply their example. And many of our examples that we
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  know of are really high like her.
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  You have to have an extra, but the theme is the theme is, is
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  that although you are dedicated to following Tudamiz foot, you
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  also dedicated to a degree of balance and the balance says
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  don't trigger more harm than good.
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  What would be that trigger doing something that's an extra in
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  front of your friends and family?
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  We're going to laugh, we're going to make fun.
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  We're going to have a harder time with you.
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  Maybe they're going to be more turned off from you.
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  OK. Then you say if it's an extra,
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  I'm not going to do it. You'll learn from this concept.
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  Shah BA, if someone tries to be a hassid hassidut amiti, a
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  really dedicated pious person, sarikshi ishkol kol masa, You
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  need to weigh all your actions, the Fiat to la dot and the
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  shahrot mehem. The main theme is what is going
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  to be the overall outcome of what I do.
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  I like the Kumkatsot, but if I do it, I'm going to turn off the
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  family. More harm than good?
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  The Fiat? Naim Ahmed Lavim Lahim, The
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  Fiat. Or based on the conditions that
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  will come along with this action.
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  I'd like to build an organization, but be more harm
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  than good. I might cause another one to
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  shut down. I might cause another person to
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  be upset. How do you decide?
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  How do you decide? It's a very hard question, but
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  you need to think, at least think this through.
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  Don't just maybe another Rd. Sometimes you do need to be
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  aggressive. Sometimes you do need to build
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  Torah, Sometimes you need to apply.
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  Maybe, however, let's play all the way.
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  Let's say if you don't do the Ku Khazzo this one night, your
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  whole theme of always doing is going to fall off and you're
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  going to stop if you don't do it during this week vacation.
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  Exactly right. It's what you do or some other.
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  Maybe you have an extra, maybe you have a concept that you
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  learn to a la hotel every night. Great thing.
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  All right. Now on vacation, people see you
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  pulling out the book. You're going to seem like a
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  little arrogant and you're debating what do I do?
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  Do I pull it out or not pull it out?
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  If you don't pull it out, you know you have to do it.
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  But if you don't do it, you'll fall off the off the train and
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  now you're not going to get back on after vacation.
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  It's all right, it's hot. Oh, you have a CERN or not, Or
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  maybe you don't carry even with a Naidu.
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  That's what you do. I mean, even a real ado.
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  I'm talking about a real full-fledged walled in ado.
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  If you never carry, that's your thing.
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  And now you're on vacation and that one's getting together in
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  the main house where they're all going to eat together and you
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  basically insinuate the fact that you're not coming.
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  Why you're not coming because you don't push the carriage in
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  Shabbat. But there's an ado everyone
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  accepts. It's usually I'm sado, right?
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  But I don't use those people. How's that?
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  People don't use it. There's nothing wrong with that
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  Adobe in your Shalaya, right? I'm in Brooklyn.
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  I have a good one. I understand.
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  My point is, this is one that's not even anything there's a
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  conversation about. But you don't want to use the
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  roof. Now, big debate.
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  Do I go to where the family is eating in Jerusalem when the
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  baby carriage? Or do I stay in my own in my
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  hotel room? What do you tell the guy?
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  All right, go. But he's telling himself, the
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  way I built my family and raised my family in Brooklyn or Neil or
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  wherever, and then we don't get used to that room because I
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  don't like it. I'm nervous about it.
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  That's how I do it. Now, if in Jerusalem we do it or
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  wherever else there's a wall, that item, I might get used to
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  it. And now I get back home, I'm
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  going to get used to that room. My kids are going to ask why
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  can't they do it? I'll give you my example.
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  Well, you tell the kiddie, did I clear?
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  You can't do. It he'll so a lot of time they
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  use the housekeeper to do it instead of you doing it
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  yourself. OK, fair.
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  That's an angle. The question is, let's say I
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  know housekeeper with you on vacation.
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  I know you have this question, play it out.
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  Do I do it because there's nothing wrong?
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  Do I do it because I'm going to get my family upset if it'll
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  come? Do I not do it because I don't
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  want to set myself up for if I do it there, like you said, I'm
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  going to get used to doing it back homes.
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  So you have a dear right there, The hard.
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  Thing you do I. That against something that's
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  really allowed. Just not do it on your own so.
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  I think. Maybe I don't accept it, you're
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  broken or just talk about anything, but if it's your thing
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  that you don't accept. I'd say Brook.
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  I'm saying it's right. Right, right.
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  I understand. Very rigid though.
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  That one, huh? Very rigid.
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  What? What do you mean not?
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  Doing it for a couple of days because you're worried that BOL
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  off or. Or the you you're too rigid,
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  maybe. So you have to figure out and
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  that valid you're right technique speaking right there.
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  You have to make that choice, which is I don't want to take
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  off the whole family. I don't want to trigger or
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  fight. I'm on vacation with them.
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  I have to figure it out. I would never do on kosher with
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  them just to keep Shalom. I would never go to the wrong
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  type of like you mentioned before, place to visit just to
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  keep Shalom that I wouldn't do. I wouldn't sacrifice all my
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  basic values. But here I have to figure this
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  out. And this is where you go to the
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  rabbi or this is where you dig deep and try to figure out the
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  right thing. And you say to yourself, it
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  might own go, it may be arrogant, it may trigger a
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  fight. I may have may lose the family's
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  ability to ever fully come back if I don't go.
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  But if I do go now, I might fall off my consistency back home.
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  It's a hard thing to decide. And you need to weigh this
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  thing. You need to be real yourself
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  when it comes to the situation. At least ask another person.
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  Doesn't need to be a rabbi, Better if it's a rabbi.
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  But for starters, ask an outsider why?
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  Because at least you get a different perspective.
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  Not summarize an opinion, not an opinionated fellow, just someone
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  who's going to look at the picture from that point of view.
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  Now you'll get a little more help because maybe you're doing
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  it. Maybe the family member would
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  say you're overdoing the family. Is she?
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  Our family doesn't really care. We all get along.
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  We all accept the fact that one guy's more more observant than
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  the other. And no one's going to make a
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  fuss, right? Or maybe they'll say the
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  opposite. Maybe they'll say the other way,
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  which is you really think your kids are going to get used to
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  this thing back in Brooklyn, They're going to act a certain
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  way, say don't worry about it so much overdoing.
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  It's one week overdoing it. I want you back.
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  You can use someone else can give you a perspective at least
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  that leads into more ballots. The overall theme is you need to
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  figure out your right decision and it's one that's hard.
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  This is where people learn their traits from these types of
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  decision. This is the idea follow and it
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  says don't go over the arrogant, don't go over the risky.
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  This is the team not see it the other side, right.
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  Think about the outcome, the Fiat Naim Hamid Klavim Lam, the
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  Fiat the conditions you have to you have to evaluate and come
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  along with this decision. La Fiat Hebron.
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  Think about the crew that you're with La Fiat, no sail la Fiat
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  Macomb. Think about the topic.
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  Is it a topic that's worth such a degree of shunasy right?
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  Is it a topic that's I'll give you an example.
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  You normally pray a 10 minute Ramida.
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  That's what you do. Now you have the bus, everyone's
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  getting together. You do, you normally do a 10
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  minute army die. You do each.
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  Or with Kavanaugh, you look over the Kavanaugh in the series.
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  Even even yourself. You're the rabbi and everyone's
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  waiting for you if you do a. Long Army doubt.
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  Sure. I face this question every day.
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  I always wave them on. Right.
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  So let's take a regular present. You normally do a 10 minute Army
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  doubt. You have a lot of Kavanaugh.
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  You agree on it. They're together with the
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  family. They're waiting for pictures.
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  To any of you for pictures. And they're burning me.
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  Where's so and so? Where's Joe?
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  Say nothing. You see, he says nothing.
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  Come on again. Again, the whole trip is going
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  to slow us down. All right.
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  What do you do? It's a hard question.
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  I'm used to something. I like it.
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  It's my connection to Hashem. This is one of those you have to
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  think about all the factors. And it's not that simple, by the
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  way, to just say drop the army down and run.
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  It's not that simple because this became your way.
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  That's what you do. A lot of people love, even
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  though we're pushing his ankle, people love to be overly
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  aggressive on the one side of this coin, which is he's got to
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  stop what he's doing and run to the family.
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  He's got to stop being arrogant, stopping over really just
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  stopping over zealous, all that. People love that point.
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  You know why they love it a little bit is because that turns
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  off, you know, as much as we're pushing the angle of being
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  normal, being balanced and addressing the crew, people also
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  overly pushed that angle because they have a hard time with the
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  religious guy. It's hard to stomach that guy
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  was overly observant or overly heavy or pushing too much,
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  wherever it may be rituals, right?
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  And but then they take his mindset and then they go over
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  and they say he's sitting by the shaman meal and he won't eat
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  things that he considers not kosher lettuce that wasn't
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  checked right? And they say that too.
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  He's overly ritual. He's overly observant.
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  No, that damn is 7 to 8 hours. He's scared right?
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  So you have to know where you will buy the balance.
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  It has to be a really very worked out concept.
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  Maybe the guy with temined on me that will be told cut it down to
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  6 minutes so you can go and join the family for pictures.
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  But then I'll stay back. What about the sister-in-law
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  who's spending too much time doing her makeup?
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  She's also taking her time, right?
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  Don't blow on me. Don't get crazy on me because
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  I'm being my *** Don't pick on me.
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  Maybe it's because you have a jealousy issue or a getting a
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  long issue or etcetera. Person's got to know where the
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  balance is being weighed, how the decision is being made.
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  That's the fact of it too. You got to be really yourself.
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  That's the point of view, right? Based on this being my pretty
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  shock if he's abstaining from his chenancy to lead your third
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  kedushim semi will help create a create a bigger kedushim.
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  But I had to do all the phenomena Mahaset Hashem will be
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  more happy with you getting along.
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  I've had a million and 1/2 times, really a lot of times
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  where a kid who's a learning kid asks the question ABBA, should I
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  go stay with my family for a long Shabbat meal or should I
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  run out to go learn? All right, it's a classic
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  question. I think it's close to myself.
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  Should I stay with my family for a longer?
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  Should my meal or should I run out to go learn?
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  What do you ask that IQ? Depends on the circumstances,
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  depends on everybody. It's different if they do this
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  every single week. Maybe you do go out to go down
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  if you're going to create a real problem in the family because
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  you're going to see every extra Black Hat and they're going to
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  therefore get nervous at you and they can make it hard of you in
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  the future. Maybe you stick it out, right?
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  If right, they're all factors. If you're going to cause a
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  major, who are some of the family if you stick it out, all
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  these things are factors and all these things are components,
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  right? And one of the main ones are is
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  it going to destroy your ritual if you try to create Marshall
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  law? If it is, you think twice.
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  But if it's not going to destroy anything and it's just giving
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  them an hour so they can feel like they have their sun around
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  and you spend the whole week in the Shiva anyhow, and very
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  possibly the right thing to do is take it out and hang out with
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  them and be part of the situation.
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  It's the same thing. What's going to cause more
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  Kedusha Shim and what's going to cause more Kulashim?
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  That's a hard question. Should I go to my cousin's
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  wedding? It's not my type.
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  Also a hard question. If it's going to make the kid
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  fall because he doesn't have proper, you know, degrees of
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  modesty in the situation, then you tell him not to go or don't
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  hang out. If it's going to, you know, it's
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  only an hour and it's going to be better for his family
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  situation and everyone gets along and no one has a problem
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  with him because of it. And he goes.
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  These are the cars. I I.
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  On a reverse of it, the certain prereposites when you go up and
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  your buns or Mayan. Monks, one of them is.
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  Don't go through gas, they're too slow.
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  You have to match the crowd. So So what if there's a some of
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  the Zulos and they want to sing everything out loud and everyone
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  else? This should mean so right,
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  Right. They have that thing.
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  It's a beautiful Prairie. It's in the Sakanu.
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  I think it's it does beautiful. I'm kiss you like that,
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  beautiful. It might be talk, maybe it's
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  Travat, so maybe it's just talks to boot is there for sure.
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  Same thing. God wants to get out.
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  God give you a play, that one, you already have that.
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  Very clearly God wants to get out, get up, because he just has
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  the urge to do it. I was really going to, but for
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  him, it's better to connect the whole thing.
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  But the guys may get nice, right?
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  What's the right mini zoo? Yeah.
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  Good question. If every day you're getting out
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  740 and this guy's in guy at 7:50, if people have places to
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  go, right, yeah, she's going to get nervous.
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  And you have to wait that question, and often times the
• 18:54
  answer is don't do it. But then maybe for him it's how
• 18:56
  he connects Hashem. I know such a person.
• 18:58
  It's how he connects Hashem through being Hazan Eve on or
• 19:02
  off type of guy. And his aunt usually includes
• 19:05
  the fact that he wants to be Hazan because he's he's rolling
• 19:08
  and maybe he needs that. But the the colonies, the
• 19:10
  opposite. It's a strange thing, strange
• 19:13
  angle, but it's very possible. And you have to weigh the odds.
• 19:16
  You have to weigh all the factors.
• 19:18
  These are real things. A guy is sitting and learning
• 19:21
  and he sings when he learns, he sings when he learns.
• 19:25
  For him, he gets cloudy and he's learning when he sings in a
• 19:29
  living room like that sit in the Benmadash they sing when they
• 19:32
  learn. I guess singing is up and think
• 19:34
  this guy literally lives alone. He has no idea what goes on like
• 19:38
  because having a verse and sing off tune and they didn't go for
• 19:43
  the whole an answer in the home right.
• 19:46
  And I is in front of my house. It's hard.
• 19:48
  It's no one else would be able to accept that.
• 19:50
  And now he's saying to himself, my learning is going beautiful.
• 19:53
  I'm just giving you examples that I live with and it's a hard
• 19:55
  question and the truth is it probably the right answer is
• 19:59
  don't sing. That's how he gets his proper
• 20:01
  cover up. I want to remember.
• 20:03
  It always sticks in my mind when I was in like the, you know, the
• 20:06
  height of the excitement to learn, maybe 19 years old or
• 20:09
  something. I was sitting in Batman's Ash
• 20:12
  and I was singing away. I was someone turning to me.
• 20:15
  I looked at me like I was from Mars.
• 20:17
  I remember the scene like my second.
• 20:19
  Am I that guy? Am I the guy?
• 20:21
  I think it flows at the room, but turns out of going against
• 20:24
  the room again, you got to make a decision.
• 20:26
  These are the things. These are situations they call
• 20:28
  it's a homra or it's a thing. It's that makes you more
• 20:31
  connected and how like how we know you don't barely doubt
• 20:34
  loud. You don't pray a lot hush loud.
• 20:37
  Why? It gives you more Carvana
• 20:39
  because you're the stuff that you got next to you.
• 20:41
  All this proves that you have to look at the two sides of the
• 20:44
  coin. Both we have that shakes in
• 20:46
  front of you or gets them, you know right.
• 20:47
  Maybe the guy that shakes Pathetic.
• 20:49
  But then. But then on the other hand, if
• 20:52
  you're a stickler and you have a problem with every single person
• 20:56
  and you pick out people and you get nervous, every family member
• 20:59
  was acting yourself awake. And you have to be consistent.
• 21:02
  You have to be consistent with yourself.
• 21:04
  You have a problem with the one nephew who doesn't show up
• 21:06
  because he's sitting and learning.
• 21:08
  Be consistent. What about the one nephew who
• 21:09
  doesn't show up because he's by the game?
• 21:11
  Right? If you have a problem with both,
• 21:13
  call it a couple, whatever you can be that guy unless they call
• 21:15
  a couple or you'd be that guy, but they're a problem only with
• 21:18
  the learner, but not with the game guy, because you know what
• 21:20
  it is a big game, right? It's it's a it's a certain
• 21:24
  basketball player from the Lakers last his last go around.
• 21:27
  I got to be with the game, right.
• 21:29
  If you accept one and don't accept the other, then you're
• 21:32
  really being a stickler. Irrelevant.
• 21:35
  That's not what someone we can factor in, but a purse on the
• 21:38
  other point of view has to be clear and address all these
• 21:42
  components. That's what he's telling you,
• 21:47
  right? Think about the back of your
• 21:49
  action. You know service looks good, but
• 21:56
  it's outcome and it's things that it triggers are actually
• 22:00
  negative. The opposite as well.
• 22:04
  Maybe you do an aggressive thing.
• 22:05
  It seems face value to be bad, but really it's going to cause
• 22:10
  all good. You're going to scream at a
• 22:11
  person, you're going to give a person a rebuke.
• 22:14
  It seems very aggressive. It seems very off.
• 22:16
  But you know what? It's going to have an overall
• 22:18
  good out, Bhavani told the told the top.
• 22:23
  Excuse me, how? Cole Holek, Aharajitung Batoda
• 22:29
  she, Priya, Masim Berman. Everything goes by the overall
• 22:34
  total process. I'm not going to say it's all
• 22:36
  but the greater good, because that would've give you warrant
• 22:39
  doing mistakes just for the sake of greater good.
• 22:41
  But things have to be looked at from a broader scope.
• 22:45
  That's his point. Things have to be applied from a
• 22:48
  bigger picture. Don't be a simple guy who says
• 22:51
  his action is good, I'm good, or that action is bad, I'm bad.
• 22:55
  Think about the overall picture in every field of humra A, a
• 23:00
  level of assurance you're taking upon yourself, an act of holding
• 23:04
  back, of going somewhere, an act of going somewhere because you
• 23:07
  want to do shovel, an act of opening something up because you
• 23:09
  want to spread to it or close something down because you want
• 23:12
  to stop something. All these areas.
• 23:15
  Think about the overall picture and then make a move that will
• 23:19
  not lead to less moves. It'll just lead to finer moves.
• 23:24
  It won't. It just lead to less bull in a
• 23:26
  China shop. People do things that are bull
• 23:28
  in a China shop and they don't think the broader scope.
• 23:31
  You got to think about the horoscope, which means if you do
• 23:34
  have a Hormel, I'd say you eaten by an Ant and they don't really
• 23:38
  keep kosher and you're trying to figure out the dance.
• 23:41
  You got to figure out that dance.
• 23:42
  You're going to be careful on both fronts.
• 23:44
  You don't want to eat on kosher and you don't want to insult the
• 23:47
  Ant. You have to figure out that
• 23:49
  dance. You pray at Hashem for help.
• 23:51
  You talk to the family member with any who can help you and
• 23:55
  you try your best to figure it out.
• 23:57
  You don't sacrifice at all at any of your values, but at the
• 24:00
  same time you don't be the guy who makes us think about having
• 24:04
  that meal and makes the whole big fuss and causes a problem.
• 24:08
  You figure it out, which means if you could just end up having
• 24:11
  an excuse to go to the in laws, that Shabbat, that meal, you go
• 24:14
  to the in laws and you get out of it, right?
• 24:16
  There have been many situations like that and people who are
• 24:19
  good at this finesse got out of it.
• 24:21
  But people who didn't care to address this mezcal that he's
• 24:26
  telling you didn't care about the balance.
• 24:28
  They just cared about their move and in factored in and they were
• 24:31
  a little bit like a ball in a training shop and cause much
• 24:34
  harm in the process. The best way to do it is to be a
• 24:37
  fine person with great finesse who figures out the perfect
• 24:42
  balance. That's ideal.
• 24:43
  Stop with this.