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Resolving Conflict in Cross-Cultural Settings · Reformed Thinking

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Welcome back to the Deep Dive. We are really glad you were here
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with us for another session of reformed thinking.
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We are. If you are a regular listener,
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you know the drill. We are two friends, fellow
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learners and followers of the Westminster Confession Standard.
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Just trying to think God's thoughts after Him.
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That is correct. And you know, we're not gurus.
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We are students of the Word seeking to apply the lens of
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scripture to every square inch of life.
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And today we are looking at a square inch that people often
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view through rose colored glasses, but rarely analyze with
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this level of grit. The mission.
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Field. Oh, absolutely, yeah.
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I think when most of us think about missions, we have this,
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like, movie montage in our heads.
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Yeah. You know, the brave missionaries
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standing on a hill, the sun setting, the village gathered
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around in perfect harmony. It is beautiful.
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It is heroic. It's.
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Clean, very clean. And it does not that those
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moments don't exist. God is doing amazing work among
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the nations, but the reality is that missionaries are not
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superheroes. They are sinners and they are
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sinners sent to live among other sinners, usually in a high
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stress environment where the air conditioning breaks, the
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language is hard, and the the cultural rules are completely
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different. And that is where we are going
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today. We are doing a deep dive into
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Biblical missions, principles, priorities, and practices by
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Mark Tatlock and Clay Burnett. A great book.
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Specifically, we are looking at their work on resolving conflict
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in cross cultural settings. We also have some fascinating
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case studies from Sean Ransom on the Philippines and Jung Ucho on
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South Korea. And the central question we are
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tackling is this How do we handle conflict when the rules
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of a culture contradict the commands of the Bible?
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Because, as we will see, good theology is not just about
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getting your doctrine right on paper.
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It is about how you treat the person who just offended you in
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a language you barely understand.
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So let's set the framework before we get into the messy
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details. Since this is reformed thinking,
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we have to start with our authority, always.
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We aren't just looking for best practices from a corporate HR
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manual here. Sola scriptura scripture alone
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is the supreme authority. That is the anchor, right?
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When we talk about cross cultural missions, we are
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talking about the intersection of divine command and human
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tradition. And the Reformed perspective is
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clear. Culture is a good gift from God.
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It reflects his creativity. But it has fallen.
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Every single part of it. Every culture, including our own
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Western culture, has idols. Right, it is easy to spot the
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idols in another culture, but much harder to see them in your
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own. Oh for sure.
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We tend to think our way of doing things is just normal or
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logical while everyone else is being cultural.
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Precisely so when a cultural norm clashes with a biblical
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command, the culture has to yield OK.
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The goal in conflict resolution, therefore, is not just ceasing
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hostilities or agreeing to disagree.
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It is true biblical reconciliation.
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It is about demonstrating the gospel and how we repair breaks
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and relationships. OK, let's unpack this.
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The source material starts with this fantastic illustration
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about a doorway. I love this example.
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I think this captures how these conflicts usually start.
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It is not always about heresy. Sometimes it is just about
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walking through a door. It is a classic example of how
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scripts collide. So picture an elevator in South
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Africa. You have two people inside. 1 is
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a woman from an African's background.
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The other is a man from a Zulu background.
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The doors open. OK, I am picturing it.
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Now in the Africans culture, which has European roots, what
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is the rule? What is the polite thing to do?
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Ladies first. It is a sign of respect.
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It is chivalry. If the man pushes past her, he's
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being rude. He is essentially saying she
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doesn't matter or he is in too much of a hurry to care about.
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Her correct. That is her cultural script.
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But in traditional Zulu culture, the rule is different.
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The man goes first. Why?
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Because historically, outside the door or the cryo could be
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dangerous. It could be a snake, an enemy, a
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threat. So the man goes first to
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protect. It is a gesture of safety.
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So the elevator opens. The Zulu man steps out first
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thinking I am protecting this woman, I am doing the honorable
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thing. The Africans woman sees him step
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out and thinks what a jerk, he has no manners.
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And he looks back at her and sees she is offended.
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Maybe she huffs or rolls her eyes and he thinks, why is she
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ungrateful? I am putting my body on the line
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for her and she is treating me with contempt.
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That is the perfect storm. It is a trivial example, sure.
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It is just an elevator, but it shows how easily wires get
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crossed. So easily.
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Neither of them sinned, strictly speaking, they just had
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different dictionaries for their behavior.
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And that is the key take away here.
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Living in a new culture highlights the beauty of
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diversity, but it also creates inevitable confusion.
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Missionaries offend others without trying.
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They get offended by others who aren't trying to be offensive.
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And perhaps most painfully, they offend each other.
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Oh yeah. The team dynamic is often where
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the hardest conflicts happen because you expect your
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teammates to operate by your script.
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So if conflict is inevitable, what is the solution?
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The authors argue that we need to be peacemakers, but they get
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very specific about what that means.
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They do. They break down the concept of
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forgiveness into four distinct terms.
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And I have to say this was a huge aha moment for me.
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Me too. I think I have been using the
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word forgiveness as this big blanket term and has caused me a
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lot of confusion over the years. You are not alone.
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The semantic problem is real, we say.
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I forgive you, but what do we mean right?
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Do we mean I am not bitter? Do we mean we are best friends
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again? Do we mean I won't bring it up?
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Or do we simply mean I am ignoring?
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It all very different things. The authors argue, and I think
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they are biblically spot on, that we need to distinguish
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between 4 concepts harboring bitterness, the willingness to
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forgive, the granting of forgiveness and reconciliation.
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Let's take these one by one, because this is the theological
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engine of the whole discussion. It really is.
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If we get this wrong, the practical stuff won't work.
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First up, harboring bitterness. The do not list.
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The Greek word here is picria. Picria.
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It literally refers to something sharp, pointed or acidic.
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Like a lemon. That is it.
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Think of the face a toddler makes when they taste a lemon
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for the first time. Yeah, that pucker.
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That pucker, that recoil, The authors explain that bitterness
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is the internal lemon face of the soul.
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It is that sharp resentment you feel when someone's name is
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mentioned. Oh, that is convicting.
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You know you have picria when you hear a name and your stomach
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drops or your jaw tightens. It's a physical thing.
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It's a visceral action. You might be smiling on the
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outside, but inside you are recoiling.
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And Hebrews 12.14 feet 5th warns us about this explicitly.
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It calls it a root of bitterness.
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Right. And think about gardening.
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What do roots do? They grow underground, unseen
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for a while. They spread, and eventually they
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shoot up. The text says that by this root
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many be defiled. Bitterness is contagious.
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If a missionary is bitter against a national partner or a
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team member, that poison does not stay contained.
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No, it leaks out and infects the whole ministry.
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It is like a gas leak in a house.
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You might not see it, but eventually everyone is getting
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sick. That's a great analogy.
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So what is the antidote? Because telling someone don't be
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bitter is like telling someone don't be sad doesn't really
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help. How do we actually fight?
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It this is where the source material brings in Jonathan
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Edwards, and frankly, this might be the most impactful part of
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the entire text for me personally.
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Oh, wow. Edwards had a series of
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resolutions. He lived by basically his
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personal code of conduct before God.
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His eighth resolution flips the script on how we view ourselves
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in conflict. Read that for us or summarize it
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because it is heavy. OK, so Edwards resolved to act
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in all respects as if nobody had been so vile as he was.
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As he was. Wow.
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He resolved that when he saw the sins or failings of others, it
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would would only trigger shame regarding his own sin.
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Wow. That is counter intuitive.
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Our natural instinct is to say, look at what they did.
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I would never do that. Of course.
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We use other people's sin to make ourselves feel better about
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our own standing. Right, but Edwards is applying
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the logic of Matthew 18, the parable of the unmerciful
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servant. The 10,000 talents.
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The logic is I have sinned against an infinitely holy God.
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My debt is incalculable. It is billions of dollars in
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spiritual currency, right? If I really understand that, if
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I really grasp the magnitude of my offense against God, then
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whatever this person did to me, as bad as it might be, is a drop
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in the bucket compared to what God has forgiven me.
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That completely destroys the platform for bitterness.
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It pulls the rug right out from under it.
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You cannot look down on someone else's sin if you are genuinely
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overwhelmed by the mercy shown to your own.
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It levels the playing field immediately.
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Precisely. If you are harboring bitterness,
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it is a theological indicator that you have lost sight of the
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cross. You are acting like the servant
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who has forgiven millions but choked the guy who owed him 10
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bucks. You have forgotten the Gospel in
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that moment. OK, so that is step one.
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Kill the bitterness. That is the internal work, the
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hard work. Step 2 is the willingness to
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forgive. Yeah.
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How is this different from actually forgiving?
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This is the internal posture. It is the readiness.
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Luke 6.2736 commands this. We must always be willing to
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forgive. This is mandatory.
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It is about the heart being open.
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But you haven't necessarily told the person yet.
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You might not be able to. The authors give a great
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scenario here. Imagine a missionary is offended
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by a national partner, but the national partner does not think
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he sinned. Maybe it is a cultural thing.
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Maybe he just doesn't see it. If the missionary walks up and
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says I forgive you, what happens?
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The guy says for what? I didn't do anything right, and
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now you have a new conflict about whether the first thing
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was even a sin. It actually makes things worse.
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It creates more conflict. You cannot complete the
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transaction of forgiveness if the other person doesn't admit
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there is a debt. But, and this is key, you must
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maintain the willingness to forgive.
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You stay open. You don't close your heart if
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you don't have this willingness. You become like Jonah.
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Jonah, the unmerciful missionary.
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Yes, Jonah preached to Nineveh, but he didn't want them to be
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saved. He didn't want them forgiven.
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He sat on the hill waiting for fire to fall, and God
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disciplined him for it. Unwillingness to forgive
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suggests we don't understand God's grace.
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We want justice for others and mercy for ourselves.
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So willingness is the heart posture.
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It is standing at the door with it unlocked, waiting for them to
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knock. That's a perfect way to put it.
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Now Step 3, the granting of forgiveness.
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This is the transaction. Yes, this is modeled after how
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God Forgives us. Psalm one O 3.11 He removes our
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transgressions as far as the east is from the West.
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He remembers them no more. Now we have to be careful here
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for humans. We cannot wipe our memories.
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We aren't hard drives. I cannot just hit delete on the
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memory of you hurting me. Right.
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If someone stole from me, I remember the theft.
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I cannot force my brain to forget it happened.
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If I see them, I remember what they did.
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So what does it mean to remember no more?
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It is a volitional choice. It is a promise.
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It means I choose not to use this sin against you.
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I choose not to bring it up to win an argument three months
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from now or. In front of other people or in
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front? Of other people I choose not to
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gossip about it. To others, I choose not to let
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it sting you anymore. It is covering the sin, as Psalm
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32 puts it. That is a helpful distinction.
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It is not amnesia, it is a covenant.
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I promise not to use this weapon against you.
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I am laying down the weapon. Correct.
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And finally, the fourth term reconciliation Catalasa in
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Greek. Catalasa.
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It means in exchange you are exchanging a bad relationship
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for a good one. And this is the goal, this is
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what we are aiming for. It is forgiveness produces love,
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but the timeline here is variable.
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This is where people get tripped up.
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Willingness must be instant. Granting forgiveness happens
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upon repentance. But reconciliation?
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Trust takes time, right? Especially if the conflict
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involved abuse, theft, or deep betrayal.
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You can forgive someone instantly, meaning you hold no
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bitterness and you grant them pardon.
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But rebuilding the relationship to where it was?
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That might take years. And that is OK.
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It is OK, it is wise. If a treasurer steals money, you
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forgive him, but you don't make him treasurer again the next
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day. That would be foolish.
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The process must be timely to prevent bitterness, but the
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restoration depends on the fruit of repentance.
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So we have the terms. Now let's talk about the
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mechanics. Because in the heat of the
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moment, you have to make a decision.
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Yeah. Do I say something or do I let
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it go? The source material offers a
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decision matrix here. Option A is unconditional
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forgiveness. Just overlooking it.
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This is based on Mark 11.25. Yeah, when you stand praying,
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forgive. No confrontation needed.
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OK, This is for the petty stuff, the unintentional slights, the
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bad day where someone snaps at you because they have a.
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Headache curse Peter 4.8 Love covers a multitude of sins and.
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Practically, if we confronted every single slight, we would be
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insufferable. Oh my goodness, yes.
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Imagine living with a roommate who wanted to have a
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reconciliation meeting every time you left a sock on the
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floor or didn't say good morning with enough enthusiasm.
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Nightmare. You would never get any work
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done. You would spend your whole life
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in meetings. Right.
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So the motivation here is what is best for the offender.
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Usually it is best to just let Grace cover it.
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You absorb the cost. You say I am going to let that
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go because I love them. But we cannot overlook
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everything. Option B is conditional
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forgiveness confrontation, right?
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When do we pull the trigger on this?
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When does overlooking become enabling?
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Luke 17.3 gives us the rubric. If your brother sins, rebuke
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him. You do this when the sin is
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significant enough to damage the relationship, damage the
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person's walk with God, or damage the community.
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Again, check your motivation. The motivation isn't I am mad
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and I want to vent. It is restoration.
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You are fighting for the person, not against them.
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The source material outlines 3 steps from Luke 17.
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Let's walk through them. Step one, rebuke.
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But be careful with that word. In English, rebuke sounds like
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screaming. Yeah, sounds.
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Harsh in the Greek, and in this context, it implies a warning, a
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cautious, loving confrontation. You go to them privately.
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You lay it out. Step 2.
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If they repent, forgive them. Grant that forgiveness.
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We talked about step three. Repeat 70 * 7.
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Now here is where it gets tricky.
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And I think this is where modern evangelical niceness clashes
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with biblical grit. It really does.
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What if they don't repent? The source material says
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something that might sound harsh to modern years.
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It says there are times when you withhold forgiveness.
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You have to be precise here, because this is dangerous
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ground. You do not withhold the
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willingness. You never hold on to bitterness,
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right? But you withhold the granting of
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forgiveness, the transaction. Why?
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Because forgiveness is a response to repentance.
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If a brother is unrepentant, saying I forgive you is actually
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a lie. It minimizes the sin.
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It tells them everything is fine when everything is not fine.
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So for their own good, you retain the sin, you keep the
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issue on the table. Yes, Jesus talks about retaining
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sins in John 20. It means you keep pressing for
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repentance because you love them too much to let them stay in
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their sin. You don't let them sweep it
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under the rug. And if that unrepentance
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continues, you escalate. This is Matthew 18.
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You bring witnesses, then you tell the church.
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And if they still refuse? You treat them as an unbeliever.
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In a mission context, that means they are now part of the mission
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field, not the church. Exactly.
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It is tragic, but it is commanded.
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We often think church discipline is mean or unloving.
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The Bible presents it as the ultimate act of love, trying to
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wake someone up from a spiritual coma.
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It is a rescue mission. Let's apply this.
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The sources give us a very specific, painful case study.
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The disciple who steals. This is a nightmare scenario for
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any missionary. You have poured your life into a
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national leader. You trust them.
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Maybe you have eaten in their home and then money goes
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missing. And the context here is vital.
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We have to understand the economic pressure.
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In many mission fields. The Western missionary is
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perceived as incredibly wealthy, regardless of their actual bank
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account. To the local community.
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They are a walking ATM, right? And the national partner often
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has extended family, uncles, cousins in laws who all expect
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him to share his wealth because he works for the foreigner.
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So he is under pressure you do not see.
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Right. The pressure to steal isn't
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always greed. Sometimes it is a desperate
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attempt to meet cultural obligations of generosity.
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He might be stealing to pay for his uncle's surgery because his
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culture says if you have access to money and don't share it, you
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are a bad person. That doesn't make it right, but
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it makes it complex. Yeah, it humanizes the sin.
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So money is missing. What is step one?
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6.1 Look at yourself. Check for pride, check for
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bitterness. The missionary has to realize I
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have sinned against God more than this guy stole from me.
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Back to Edwards. Back to Edwards.
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If you go in playing the righteous westerner versus the
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corrupt local, you have already lost.
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You have to go in as a fellow Sinner.
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Step 2 Assess the evidence. The author warns against playing
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detective. This is such practical advice.
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Suspicion destroys trust. If you are 80% sure but not
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100%, do not accuse. First Corinthians 6.7 says it is
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better to be wrong than to drag things into a mess or falsely
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accuse a brother. If the evidence isn't clear, you
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swallow the loss and trust God. You don't set traps, you don't
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spy. You assume the best until proven
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otherwise. But let's say the evidence is
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clear. You caught him, he confesses.
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Step 3 is confrontation and restoration, and this is where
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the missing link comes in. The author says many
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missionaries stop at forgiveness and that is a mistake.
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Right. They say I forgive you and they
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try to move on. But the national leader is left
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with shame. He knows he broke trust.
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The congregation knows if you just say forgiven without a
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plan, the relationship limps along.
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The elephant is always in the room.
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You need a plan of reconciliation.
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What does that look? Like.
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It looks like restitution that is biblical.
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Zacchaeus paid back fourfold. Restitution restores dignity
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because it allows the offender to make things right.
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It empowers them to fix what they broke.
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It might involve public repentance if the theft affected
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the church, and it involves discipleship tasks.
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So the goal isn't punishment, it is not about making him pay
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because you are angry. No, the goal is to get him back
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to being above reproach. I see you want him to lead again
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one day. The plan provides a road map out
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of shame and back into honor. It says we are going to walk
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this road together until you are restored.
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That is deep, costly love. Speaking of honor, that
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transitions us perfectly to our first specific cultural
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challenge. Shame honor cultures.
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This comes from the insert by Sean Ransom on the Philippines.
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This is fascinating in a shame honor culture, which covers much
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of Asia In the Middle East, the highest value is maintaining
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face, social standing, reputation, harmony.
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The worst evil is causing shame. Confrontation is seen as
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inherently shameful. So the case study A church in
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the Philippines. A group of members gets
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disgruntled with the elders. They want to change the
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governance. The elders say no.
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The group gets angry. They start slandering the elders
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online, spreading rumors, calling them names.
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No. In a Western context, we might
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expect the elders to call a meeting, present the facts, and
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hash it out. Right, get to the bottom of it.
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We value getting to the bottom of it.
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But here the elders did what their culture told them to do.
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Nothing. They stayed silent.
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They thought they were being noble, right?
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They thought we don't want to cause a scene, We don't want to
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shame these people. We would just suffer in silence
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and hope they stop. They feared the shame of a fight
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more than they feared the damage of the lie.
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They were prioritizing smooth interpersonal relationships,
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often called Sir in Philippine sociology.
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And what happened? The wolves controlled the
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narrative because the elders didn't speak.
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The congregation only heard the slander.
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The church eventually split. That is a tragedy, and it is a
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tragedy caused by a cultural virtue keeping the peace,
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becoming an idol. Precisely.
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The Bible has a lot to say about this.
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Look at Titus. Paul is writing to Titus and
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Crete. Cretan culture was rough.
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I remember this. Paul quotes their own poet,
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calling them liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons.
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Not exactly a flattering description.
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Paul wasn't winning any diplomacy awards there.
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No, and notice Paul doesn't say Titus.
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Be sensitive to their culture, Don't offend them.
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You know lying is just their way of storytelling, he says in
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Titus 1.13. Reprove them severely.
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That sounds. That is the word.
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Other translations say sharply. Why?
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So that they may be sound in the faith.
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The biblical logic is it is better to have a moment of sharp
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shame that leads to repentance than to have a comfortable
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silence that leads to spiritual. Death Gransom makes a powerful
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point here. More relationships are destroyed
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by inaction and fear of man than by biblical discipline.
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That is the headline. We think we are saving
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relationships by not confronting.
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We tell ourselves we are being kind.
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We are actually letting the relationships rot.
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In a shame honor culture, the missionary or the faithful
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national leader has to redefine honor.
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True honor is obeying God and protecting the sheep from
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wolves, even if it feels shameful in the moment to call
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out the wolf. That is a hard shift to make.
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It requires rewiring your entire social operating system.
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Let's move to the second challenge, age and hierarchy.
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This comes from Young U Cho in South Korea.
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South Korea is deeply influenced by Confucianism.
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Age and seniority define everything.
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You use different language for someone older than you.
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The senior pastor is often seen as a king or a father figure.
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And the conflict here arises between the biblical idea of
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plurality of elders and the cultural idea of one big boss.
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Exactly. The Bible teaches that eldership
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is a plurality. It is a team.
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Peter James, Paul Barnabas. They made decisions together in
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Acts 15, right? They debated.
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They prayed. It wasn't just one CEO making
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the call. But in the Korean context, Cho
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describes a scenario where you might have a senior pastor who's
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35 years old and elders who are 70.
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And that is socially awkward. The seven-year old elders might
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pat the pastor on the head and say, I am so proud of you, my
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son. Oh, that's.
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Yeah. It is patronizing.
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Or conversely, if you have a young elder and an older elder,
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the young guy cannot correct the older guy without seeming
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incredibly arrogant and rude. So you end up with a one man
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ministry. The senior pastor holds all the
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power, or the oldest man holds all the power, and the spiritual
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gifts of the rest of the team are suppressed.
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Which is a huge loss for the church.
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If the Holy Spirit has gifted a 30 year old with wisdom, but the
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culture says be quiet until you were 60, the church loses that
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wisdom. The body is handicapped by the
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culture. So what is the biblical
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correction? Because you cannot just ignore
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age. The Bible also says to honor the
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elderly. It does, but it goes back to
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First Timothy. 4 Timothy was young.
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He was an Ephesus of a major city with likely many older,
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wealthy converts. And Paul tells him, let no one
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look down on your youthfulness. How does he do that?
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By demanding respect? By wearing a fake beard.
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No, by showing yourself as a model, speech, conduct, love,
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faith, purity. Paul basically says your
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spiritual authority does not come from your birth
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certificate, it comes from your character.
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So the young leader has to take pains.
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That is, the phrase used to be so godly, so exemplary, that his
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character overrides the cultural stigma of his age.
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Yes, he has to prove his maturity through his life, and
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the older men have to submit to the Word, which says that the
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Spirit distributes gifts as he wills, not strictly by
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seniority. It requires a mutual submission
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that cuts against the grain of Confucian hierarchy.
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The older men have to humble themselves to listen to a
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younger man, and the younger man has to live a life worthy of
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that listening. This brings us to a really
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important synthesis. We have looked at door
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etiquette, Filipino shame, and Korean age structures, but the
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thread running through all of this is what?
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The thread is that Scripture judges culture, always.
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It judges Western individualism just as much as it judges
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Eastern collectivism. The missionary, and let's be
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real, the listener right now driving to work must identify
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where their own cultural instincts are fighting against
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God's commands regarding conflict.
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That is the key. We are not just analyzing them
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over there, we are analyzing us. Right here exactly.
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If you are in the West, your idol might not be honor or age.
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It might be privacy. It might be tolerance.
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Oh, that's good. How many of us refuse to
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confront a sinning brother because it is none of my
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business? That is a cultural idol.
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The Bible makes it your business.
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We say live and let live. The Bible says if your brother
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wanders, bring him back. Or tolerance, the idea that
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affirming someone is the only way to love them.
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Right. And biblical love says I love
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you enough to tell you the truth, even if it hurts.
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It says I value your soul more than I value my comfort.
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We also have to connect this back to the gospel we talked
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about Edwards earlier. We can only do this hard work of
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confrontation and reconciliation because of what Christ did.
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It is the fuel. We can only forgive because we
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were forgiven a debt we could not pay.
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Amen. We can only reconcile because
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Christ reconciled us to the Father.
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He took the initiative. He crossed the ultimate cultural
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barrier, divine to human, to make peace.
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He was the offended party, yet He paid the cost.
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If he did that for us, we have no excuse not to do it for our
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brother. And that takes the burden off
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us. It is not about me being a big
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person. It is about me being a forgiven
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person. I am just passing on what I
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received. Amen.
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It reorients conflict from a battle for supremacy into an
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opportunity for grace. So as we wrap up, we always like
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to leave you with a provocative thought, something to chew on
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that we haven't explicitly said but is lurking in the
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background. Here is what I am thinking.
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We have talked a lot about speaking up, about confronting,
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about the danger of silence in the Philippines.
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But I want to flip it for a second.
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In our current cultural moment, especially online but also in
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our churches, we are obsessed with being right and calling
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people out. The Discernment Industrial
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Complex. Everyone is a watchdog.
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Right. But remember the doorway
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illustration, the Zulu man and the Africans woman, neither of
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them was sinning, they just had different scripts, right?
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I wonder how many conflicts in your life right now, maybe with
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your spouse, your boss, your neighbor are not actually issues
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of sin, but issues of scripts. Oh, that is good.
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Are you about to rebuke someone for being rude when they are
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actually trying to be protective?
26:53
Are you attributing malice to what is actually just
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difference? We need the wisdom to
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distinguish between a sin that demands Titus one's severe
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rebuke, and a difference that demands first Peter 4 love
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covers. That requires humility, and it
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requires asking questions before we start shooting.
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Why did you do that instead of? I can't believe you did that.
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Curiosity before judgment. That is a good rule for missions
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and a good rule for life. Well, that is all the time we
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have for this deep dive. We hope this challenged you to
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look at your conflicts differently, whether you are in
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Manila, Seoul or just the suburbs.
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Remember, the goal is not just peace and quiet.
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The goal is the glory of God through reconciled
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relationships. Thanks for listening to Reformed
27:36
Thinking. We'll catch you on the next deep
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dive. Grace and peace.