Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E32 - Raising Kids Who Self-Regulate: A New Parenting Series

Transcript

S2E32 - Raising Kids Who Self-Regulate: A New Parenting Series · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
• 0:03
  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:10
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
• 0:15
  and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:20
  In today's episode,
• 0:21
  we are starting a series on how to raise kids who self-regulate.
• 0:27
  It's really interesting.
• 0:28
  I've been podcasting for,
• 0:31
  gosh,
• 0:31
  I guess 8 years.
• 0:33
  I've been blogging for
• 0:36
  15 or so,
• 0:38
  maybe longer,
• 0:39
  I'm not sure.
• 0:40
  I've been providing parenting information for almost 20.
• 0:44
  And one of my top
• 0:47
  ever.
• 0:48
  parenting
• 0:50
  articles that went out
• 0:52
  was how to stop power struggles with your kids.
• 0:54
  I think it was made into a video and it was a blog article,
• 0:57
  and it is my top performing of all times in the parenting space,
• 1:02
  how to stop power struggles.
• 1:04
  Which
• 1:05
  is very insightful,
• 1:06
  it's very enlightening.
• 1:08
  Because what we want more than anything
• 1:11
  is to not have to
• 1:13
  battle with kids.
• 1:16
  And one of the things that inevitably happens is as soon as power struggles ensue,
• 1:22
  as soon as it becomes a control grab,
• 1:24
  where kids are fighting for control and then parents are fighting for control.
• 1:29
  Then everything deteriorates,
• 1:31
  and what we know
• 1:33
  and what I talk about all the time,
• 1:35
  is that
• 1:37
  if we prioritize the relationship,
• 1:39
  that has to take precedent.
• 1:42
  So,
• 1:43
  the relationship has to be preserved at all costs.
• 1:48
  And power struggles
• 1:49
  and control grabs
• 1:51
  undermine and fracture the relationship.
• 1:55
  So when we know that parents really desperately want to not have power struggles.
• 2:00
  I have a 15 year old son.
• 2:02
  My husband and I would very much agree we would like to not have power struggles.
• 2:06
  And he's an awesome kid and we really don't have many
• 2:11
  concerns,
• 2:11
  but
• 2:12
  every once in a while,
• 2:13
  there's a pretty,
• 2:14
  pretty significant power struggle.
• 2:17
  And when you think about it,
• 2:20
  what's really happening is
• 2:23
  we
• 2:24
  want
• 2:25
  kids
• 2:26
  to regulate.
• 2:28
  We want kids to self control.
• 2:33
  And here's the irony.
• 2:35
  That's what we want more than anything else.
• 2:38
  If we ask our children to do something,
• 2:40
  we would like them to do it.
• 2:42
  If we set an expectation in the home,
• 2:45
  we would like them to adhere to it.
• 2:48
  When
• 2:49
  we have an established
• 2:51
  parameter,
• 2:52
  we expect it to be obeyed.
• 2:55
  And ideally without lip in the process,
• 2:59
  right?
• 2:59
  I'd really like you not to talk back.
• 3:01
  I'd really like you not to argue.
• 3:03
  I'd really like you fill in the blank.
• 3:05
  So what we're hoping for.
• 3:08
  Is that
• 3:09
  a child will regulate and control.
• 3:13
  I'll do this because I know I'm supposed to.
• 3:15
  I'll do this because I've been asked to.
• 3:17
  I'll do this because it's the right thing to do.
• 3:21
  But when children don't respond that way,
• 3:24
  because they're not rational,
• 3:26
  they don't have abstract reasoning.
• 3:28
  They're not cognitive.
• 3:30
  They're not intellectually processing anything.
• 3:33
  They are here and now emotional beings,
• 3:37
  so whatever feels right in the moment is what they do.
• 3:40
  With no thought,
• 3:42
  it's all feeling.
• 3:44
  So you can understand that obviously they're not going
• 3:48
  to control and regulate until they learn the ability to do so.
• 3:53
  And then we start controlling
• 3:56
  our kids.
• 3:58
  We start regulating for them.
• 4:02
  We start insisting
• 4:04
  that they comply.
• 4:05
  We start forcing them to obey.
• 4:08
  We start threatening them with consequences.
• 4:12
  All of this is our power struggle and our control grab.
• 4:17
  In an attempt
• 4:19
  to
• 4:20
  prevent
• 4:21
  them from power struggling
• 4:23
  and
• 4:24
  control grabbing.
• 4:26
  And the difficulty in this is
• 4:29
  that we are actually creating the very thing that we dislike the most.
• 4:35
  We do not want our kids to power struggle.
• 4:39
  We don't want them to grasp at control and we
• 4:41
  don't want them to not be able to regulate themselves,
• 4:45
  but that's exactly what we create
• 4:47
  when we do it for them.
• 4:50
  I'm not sure if you're familiar with the universal parenting styles,
• 4:54
  but Baumrind talked about
• 4:58
  there are universal parenting styles and the authoritarian approach.
• 5:03
  It is
• 5:04
  very harsh,
• 5:05
  very rigid,
• 5:06
  very rule driven,
• 5:08
  and you better obey or else.
• 5:11
  So it's very high in expectation,
• 5:13
  very low in empathy and warmth.
• 5:16
  And when
• 5:17
  you have that authoritarian approach.
• 5:20
  We often don't even realize that that is
• 5:23
  the
• 5:24
  impression that we're giving off to our kids.
• 5:27
  Because here's a scenario.
• 5:29
  You're in a grocery store,
• 5:31
  and your child walks down the toy aisle.
• 5:34
  Isn't it convenient that when you're supposed to be getting food,
• 5:37
  there's an entire aisle to lure children where
• 5:40
  they really want something in that aisle.
• 5:42
  So your child begs you for whatever toy is in the toy aisle,
• 5:45
  and you say you'd really like to have that,
• 5:48
  but we're here to get groceries,
• 5:49
  not toys.
• 5:50
  You can choose to get a toy when we go to the toy store at a different time.
• 5:54
  You can choose to help me pick up food right now.
• 5:57
  Notice that that was a limit.
• 5:58
  Notice that it was a three-part process.
• 6:00
  If you're not familiar with limit setting,
• 6:02
  please go back and listen to earlier episodes.
• 6:06
  We cannot say,
• 6:07
  no,
• 6:07
  you're not getting a toy.
• 6:09
  Put that back
• 6:10
  and expect that to be effective.
• 6:12
  So notice that there was an approach.
• 6:16
  Three steps for limit setting.
• 6:18
  So you go through that
• 6:19
  and your child starts to yell,
• 6:21
  starts to cry,
• 6:22
  will not leave the toy aisle
• 6:24
  in really severe cases,
• 6:26
  throws themselves on the middle of the floor and won't get up.
• 6:29
  Is screaming is
• 6:31
  knocking things off the shelf,
• 6:33
  whatever the scenario is.
• 6:35
  In that moment
• 6:37
  Almost always,
• 6:39
  unless you have a plan
• 6:41
  that you've already practiced ahead of time.
• 6:45
  You're going to step in and control your child's behavior.
• 6:48
  You're going to grab them by the arm and walk them out of the store.
• 6:52
  You're going to
• 6:54
  threaten if you do that one more time,
• 6:56
  this is going to happen.
• 6:57
  You're going to get down and hold their shoulders and
• 7:00
  say you will not act like this right now,
• 7:03
  whatever the scenario is,
• 7:05
  here's what's going on.
• 7:07
  You are controlling their behavior.
• 7:09
  You are regulating their behavior.
• 7:12
  They're not doing it.
• 7:14
  And here's what the unintended consequence of that is.
• 7:19
  We're just trying to avoid this massive embarrassing moment in a grocery store.
• 7:24
  But what the child is learning is
• 7:26
  I'll get as out of control as I wanna be.
• 7:29
  I'll get as close to the line as I can go.
• 7:32
  I'll push the boundaries
• 7:33
  to the hilt,
• 7:35
  and when I get too far
• 7:37
  and it's way too much,
• 7:39
  someone will step in and control everything for me.
• 7:43
  That's not what we want for our kids.
• 7:46
  We want our children to have emotional vocabulary.
• 7:49
  We want our children to have self-regulation.
• 7:51
  We want our children to be able to de-escalate.
• 7:55
  And we want them to be able to control themselves.
• 8:00
  When we think about power struggles.
• 8:02
  We are often just as much of a power struggle as our children are.
• 8:07
  And the antidote is what this series is all about.
• 8:10
  We're going to talk about how to raise kids who self-regulate.
• 8:15
  Because what we want
• 8:17
  is to not have to nag,
• 8:19
  to not have to remind,
• 8:21
  to not have to swoop in,
• 8:23
  to not have to stop the child's behavior.
• 8:26
  So many adults
• 8:28
  try to preemptively,
• 8:31
  proactively.
• 8:33
  Look and anticipate what's going to happen and stop it before it can even get there.
• 8:38
  Oh,
• 8:39
  I know where you're going with that.
• 8:40
  No way.
• 8:43
  How much can a child learn about self control and self regulation?
• 8:47
  When someone swoops in
• 8:49
  And takes the temptation away,
• 8:51
  distracts them,
• 8:52
  prevents it from happening.
• 8:54
  Stops whatever the the moment is.
• 8:58
  They don't learn anything about how to self-govern.
• 9:01
  They learn,
• 9:02
  I don't need to.
• 9:03
  When it gets really crazy,
• 9:04
  someone will come in and govern for me,
• 9:06
  so that's way easier.
• 9:07
  I'll just
• 9:08
  wait till mom,
• 9:09
  dad,
• 9:09
  so and so comes in and
• 9:11
  takes over.
• 9:13
  That is not what we want,
• 9:14
  but that is often the result that we get.
• 9:17
  So in this series,
• 9:19
  we are going to jump in
• 9:21
  to
• 9:22
  really effective tangible ways
• 9:25
  that we can raise kids who self regulate because
• 9:28
  not only is the world a better place when there are self regulated humans,
• 9:33
  but
• 9:34
  our parenting
• 9:35
  and our families are going to be so much happier
• 9:38
  when we have kids who can self regulate but really where that starts is with us.
• 9:44
  Because we have to stop trying to take control,
• 9:47
  we have to stop trying to
• 9:50
  power struggle our way through whatever the scenario
• 9:53
  is and controlling their behavior for them.
• 9:56
  We have to return that responsibility to our kids
• 9:59
  so that they start taking up those reins
• 10:01
  and making those changes.
• 10:03
  So I'm really looking forward to this.
• 10:05
  I hope that you are too.
• 10:06
  And this I think this is going to be a really worthwhile series.
• 10:09
  So
• 10:10
  excited for this.
• 10:10
  If you would like to reach out to me with questions,
• 10:12
  please do brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 10:15
  You can also leave a voicemail if you're in the states
• 10:17
  at 813-812-5525.
• 10:21
  And
• 10:21
  let let's dive into raising.
• 10:24
  Kids that can self regulate,
• 10:25
  I think this will alleviate so many of our frustrations and headaches as parents,
• 10:30
  and that's really what we want.
• 10:32
  We want to make sure that we can focus on the relationship.
• 10:35
  And when we're power struggling and when there's control grabs going on,
• 10:38
  that undermines the relationship.
• 10:40
  It doesn't preserve it.
• 10:41
  So the goal is always preservation of the relationship
• 10:44
  and this series is gonna help us get there.
• 10:46
  All right,
• 10:46
  I appreciate y'all so much.
• 10:47
  Thanks.
• 10:48
  We'll talk again soon.
• 10:49
  Bye.
• 10:50
  Thank you for listening to
• 10:51
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 10:55
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 10:58
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.