Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / How I found out that I had Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Transcript

How I found out that I had Narcissistic Personality Disorder · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:02
  Most of you spend your lives waiting for the narcissist or
• 0:05
  toxic person in your life to have some type of epiphany.
• 0:10
  You waited for them to wake up. You want them to realize and you
• 0:13
  want them to wake up and realize what they have done to you, what
• 0:17
  they have put you through, what they are actively doing to other
• 0:20
  people and to themselves as well.
• 0:23
  Like thankfully, God, Lord has blessed me.
• 0:27
  I'm one of the rare ones who actually one of the rare few
• 0:31
  that actually had that wake up call, that awakening, that rock
• 0:34
  bottom moment to help me realize and to get me to the point that
• 0:38
  I'm at right now as a self aware narcissist who helps people
• 0:41
  understand the mind of a narcissist.
• 0:43
  But one of the questions I get, Lee, is how did you get to this
• 0:46
  point? How did you get here?
• 0:48
  What was your wake up call? Was there one particular moment
• 0:51
  in general that helped you realize who you were?
• 0:55
  It, it wasn't one moment, y'all. It wasn't one moment.
• 0:59
  It was it, it truly, it didn't feel like a breakthrough.
• 1:02
  It felt like a like a death, like an ego death, like an
• 1:05
  internal, something inside of me had to die so the best part of
• 1:09
  me could thrive and live, right? It's like the part of me that
• 1:13
  died inside the narcissistic part of me that's dying and
• 1:16
  going, not necessarily going away.
• 1:18
  It's lessening, right? The part of me is lessening and
• 1:21
  going to the ground. It's fertilizing this new
• 1:24
  version of myself, right? Today I'm breaking down my
• 1:27
  story. Y'all of how I found out I was a
• 1:29
  narcissist. The moment or moments the mask
• 1:33
  finally shattered and I had to stop running away from who I
• 1:36
  actually am, who I really, really am.
• 1:38
  Like truly. And welcome to the live y'all.
• 1:40
  What is going on? What is going on Lee?
• 1:42
  What's going on? Tranquility, thank you for
• 1:44
  sharing. No problem.
• 1:45
  Happy Monday. Hey, anyone had their life
• 1:48
  destroyed. I think most people here have
• 1:50
  had something happened to them via narcissistic abuse, right
• 1:54
  and whatnot. Most of them have had something
• 1:56
  happen to them. But let y'all, we're going to
• 1:58
  hop right into a man like no breakdown.
• 1:59
  This is my story. I get a question a lot like Lee,
• 2:02
  how did you become a narcissist? How did you find out?
• 2:04
  This is the moment right now, right?
• 2:07
  It wasn't and I say, like I said in the beginning, it wasn't one
• 2:10
  particular moment in general. It was an accumulation of
• 2:13
  moments, right? Like from my very young, from a
• 2:18
  very young age, I always known that I was different.
• 2:21
  But like even when I was my first memories to be being 78789
• 2:26
  years old on the playground in school and things like that, I
• 2:30
  thought, honestly, I just thought I was misunderstood.
• 2:32
  You know, society tells you when you're growing up or when you
• 2:36
  were becoming who you are. Society tells you, especially in
• 2:38
  America, that everybody's special in their own way.
• 2:40
  So I honestly just thought I was special.
• 2:44
  You know, I thought I was just misunderstood.
• 2:46
  I thought I was special. So, and just in this session
• 2:49
  right here, that's what happened.
• 2:50
  Like, and growing up, I always thought that everybody else was
• 2:54
  the problem and not me in my marriage.
• 2:57
  I thought my wife was a problem, not I like, I honestly thought
• 3:01
  the world was against me before I woke up and realized that I
• 3:05
  had narcissistic personality disorder right before I realized
• 3:09
  that and whatnot. And that's one of the things
• 3:12
  that ends up happening. Like to get to this point right
• 3:14
  here, that's where I go to, you know, like I had to have this
• 3:18
  awakening. It wasn't just like somebody
• 3:21
  just said, oh, go get diagnosed. You're a narcissist.
• 3:23
  No, that's not how it happened, y'all.
• 3:25
  That's literally not how it happened.
• 3:26
  That's not how it went down. Like I had to, you know what I'm
• 3:30
  saying? When like I tell the story
• 3:33
  before, but like when I was, this is 2000 and I think 7.
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  My son was born in 2016. So this was the end of 2016,
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  early 2017, right when my friend had a son that passed away,
• 3:50
  right? I'm not going to mention his
• 3:51
  name or whatnot, but his son that passed away and when his
• 3:54
  son passed away, I was like in my early 30s.
• 3:56
  I think it was my, my, my son was born and was 2016.
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  So I was 31, right? So I'm 31 years old.
• 4:03
  I'm a little overweight. I don't have the job that I
• 4:05
  want. I'm working in the warehouse.
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  Don't have like, you know, I have, I have my degree
• 4:09
  technically, but I'm not where I want to be in life, you know, so
• 4:14
  I'm struggling with who I am. I'm struggling with finally
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  trying to find my path. And then my friend's son who was
• 4:18
  born 2 days, two days before my son was like passed away
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  suddenly. See, it's sudden infant death.
• 4:26
  Like you ain't just suddenly passed away.
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  Heartbreaking. I'm down there with my friend,
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  consoling him, hugging him, leader man, talking to him, just
• 4:34
  trying to be there for him. And then I'm driving home and I
• 4:38
  realized, like my life, I haven't accomplished anything.
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  If this beautiful little baby boy can pass away, suddenly I
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  can. And what, what would my legacy
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  be? What, who, who am I going to be?
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  What, what would my legacy be? So I'm driving home thinking
• 4:52
  about that. I'm pondering that situation,
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  right? And then I get home and I think
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  it wasn't, might have been the same exact day, but a few nights
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  later I'm sitting at home trying to come up with a master plan
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  for my life, right, 'cause I don't want to be forgotten
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  without, I don't want to pass away or die without leaving a
• 5:07
  legacy, right? And that ends up happening.
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  I don't want to pass away and die and not leave a legacy at
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  all. So I get home and my wife was
• 5:17
  deciding to like, she wants to leave and go to the gym or
• 5:19
  something like that. And she leaves me with my
• 5:21
  infant, my, my like 5-6 month old son, right?
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  Maybe four months old at the time.
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  It's been almost 10 years, right?
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  So I'm sitting there with this crying baby while I'm trying to
• 5:32
  make up a plan. So I'm not, I'm just like losing
• 5:35
  my mind in the house. I'm having a narcissistic rage
• 5:37
  episode. My wife is gone.
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  So it's just me and my son. I'm in the house just yelling,
• 5:40
  screaming. My wife comes home like she she
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  literally comes home. Here's me yelling, she comes in
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  there. What are you yelling for?
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  What's going on? Like, what are you talking
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  about? What's going on here?
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  And I was like, I can't succeed in life because of all y'all,
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  nobody believes me and y'all you're like, you're not helping
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  me out. Like you're in the way.
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  You leave me here with my son. I'm trying to come up with a
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  master plan for my life. You're in the way, You know, I
• 6:00
  get like, you know, man, it's all y'all's fault.
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  Like y'all don't want to listen to me.
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  I don't believe me, blah, blah, blah, you know, and me and her
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  get into an argument. We're arguing, going back and
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  forth, just, you know, just going back and forth and
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  whatnot. And then she leaves.
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  She dips out and right before she dips out, she says it's so
• 6:21
  damn hard to live with a narcissist.
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  And she slams the door. I'm like, narcissist, huh?
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  So I open the door. I'm yelling at her like, you are
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  a damn narcissist. You are, you are a narcissist.
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  Like this is who you are. You are a damn narcissist, blah,
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  blah, blah. Right?
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  I'm throwing it back at her. You take forever.
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  I'm insulting her according I'm like you, you take forever to
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  get ready. You do this, you do that like
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  you're not you see what I'm saying?
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  This is what's going on. You're not blah, blah, blah,
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  you're fake. You put makeup on, blah, blah,
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  blah, blah. What you mean?
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  So she leaves. I'm sitting at home.
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  So I'm now I'm sitting at home by myself, right?
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  I'm sitting at home by myself, angry as hell, pissed off,
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  pondering what's going on. Like why the hell does he call
• 6:57
  me a narcissist? And still trying to come up with
• 7:00
  that master plan at the same time, right?
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  I'm still trying to come up with that master plan at the same
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  time while I'm pondering everything else.
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  So I'm on my I got my phone. I was like, why the hell would
• 7:14
  she call me a narcissist? So I googled the word narcissist
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  and you know, you if you Google the word narcissist, sometimes
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  it comes up and says did you mean narcissistic personality
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  disorder? Yay.
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  Did you mean, did you mean narcissistic personality
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  disorder? I'm like, what the hell is that?
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  I didn't mean that, but I'm here by myself.
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  I call it angry. I was angry Googling.
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  Don't don't get on Google when you're angry.
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  I was angry Googling. So I get on Google.
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  I looked at, I was like, I type in, you know, I type in the word
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  narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder comes up.
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  So I'm, I, I go down the rabbit hole of narcissistic personality
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  disorder and I'm reading the traits, I'm reading the
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  symptoms, I'm reading all of this.
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  And it's just like, in that moment I'm like, damn, this is
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  me. All the most of the traits fit
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  me. I'm reading the stuff.
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  I'm like, damn, This is why I feel different.
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  This is why my mind is working. But it seems like my mind is
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  operating on a different system to everybody else's.
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  I have a personality disorder, right?
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  I do. I'm like, I have a personality
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  disorder. I'm, I'm like, what the hell?
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  So I'm having this moment at home where like everything comes
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  crashing down. My wife is gone, my son is gone.
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  Like my oldest son is at his mom's house.
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  The only people that that are there in the house are me and my
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  dog, right? Like literally me and my dog and
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  we're sitting there just wondering, I'm just like, what
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  the hell is going on? I'm like, damn, this is me.
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  This is why I've been feeling different my whole life.
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  And it's just like I had this moment in time.
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  I was like every text to my wife.
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  I was just like, damn, you're right.
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  I get on I get on Google. Of course y'all also get on
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  Google and start taking those like little narcissist tests
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  that you there's tests online you can take for narcissism,
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  right? You can get online and just
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  like, am I narcissist? You take those tests and I was
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  answering those questions honestly and it was coming up
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  yes, your narcissist is right. It's coming up narcissism, high
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  narcissistic traits. I was like, damn, because I was
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  being honest on those tests. So he's like, damn, you could
• 9:24
  have, you could have high narcissistic traits.
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  I'm like, damn, this is who I am.
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  So I text my wife the results of that test and she was just like,
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  yeah, I'm like, I'm a narcissist.
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  I'm like, are you right? And I'm so I'm now in this
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  moment, everything is in my life has went wrong, financially
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  gone. I'm not in the shape that I want
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  to be in, teeth messed up, not as educated as I want to be.
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  It's rock bottom. There's nobody else to blame in
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  the house but me. No one else to blame.
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  Literally no one else to blame in the house but me.
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  If y'all join on YouTube, make sure y'all hit the thumbs up
• 10:05
  button or drop a comment to y'all.
• 10:06
  I'll answer some questions. I'll answer some questions at
• 10:08
  the end. Y'all make sure you go on
• 10:10
  YouTube. Hit that thumbs up button up on
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  Facebook as well. I'm like, damn, this is me.
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  And I saw of course now I'm like, OK, this is me.
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  What can I do about it? How, what can I, what, what can
• 10:24
  I do about it now? What can I do?
• 10:25
  What, what, what comes next? What happens next?
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  Right. So I'm like, I get on Google
• 10:29
  again. Cure for narcissistic
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  personality disorder. You know, Google said, right?
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  What did Google say? There is no cure.
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  There is no cure. Go to therapy.
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  That's pretty much a Google. That's pretty much what Google
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  said. There is no cure.
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  Go to therapy. That's what it said.
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  That's what Google said, go to therapy.
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  I was like, damn, OK, so I'm like, OK, I don't know how to
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  get therapist. So I did the next, I did the
• 11:01
  next best thing. I got on Facebook and I, I got
• 11:05
  on Facebook and I searched narcissistic personality
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  disorder on Facebook, right? And there are groups on there,
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  like a lot of the groups were for victims back then.
• 11:14
  I didn't understand the victims of narcissism back then, right?
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  Is a lot of the groups back then were like victims of
• 11:20
  narcissists, a person having the disorder, survivors.
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  I'm like, what the hell is this? I'm not, I'm not joining those
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  groups, right? And I scrolled down and I
• 11:25
  finally found a couple of groups for diagnosed narcissists.
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  You know what I mean? For diagnosed narcissists, for
• 11:34
  this is life for diagnosed narcissists.
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  And I'm like, let me join those groups and I'm so thankful that
• 11:43
  I did because those groups helped me out.
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  They really did the groups the people were people were joining
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  those groups, writing things in those groups that I could have
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  wrote, written. I was like, damn, that sounds
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  like something I could have written.
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  I feel the exact same way. So I finally felt heard because
• 11:59
  you Google it. The statistics vary, but like I
• 12:01
  said, one percent, 5% of the population is diagnosed
• 12:06
  narcissists. I'm like, damn, this is a very
• 12:08
  small percentage of people. It in a 1% of people are
• 12:11
  diagnosed in a room of 100 people.
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  I'm the only one, you know, I'm like, I'm the only one.
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  So it's good to find those, that group, this feel like I wasn't
• 12:21
  alone, right? You know what I mean?
• 12:23
  It, it was so good to find a group to realize like, OK, I'm
• 12:26
  not alone. I, I'm, there's other people out
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  here who are going through the exact same thing that I'm going
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  through. And that helped out a lot.
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  It really did. But those groups could only help
• 12:42
  out so much. You know what I mean?
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  Those seriously, those groups can only help out so much
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  because it got to a certain point where they were answering
• 12:49
  the, the, the questions I had were being answered, but it was
• 12:52
  very difficult to find a way to take action.
• 12:54
  You know, it's very difficult to find a way to take action and
• 12:57
  whatnot. So, well, I did again, I, I, I
• 13:01
  dropped it under the group. I was like, how did y'all find
• 13:03
  the therapist? You know, how did y'all find the
• 13:05
  therapist? I'm like somebody dropped,
• 13:07
  somebody said get on psychologytoday.com.
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  And that's what I did. I literally got on Psychology
• 13:12
  Day today, psychologytoday.com and, and found you can sort on
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  psychologytoday.com. You can sort by therapist and
• 13:23
  but you mean you can sort by therapist and things like that.
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  You can sort by all of that stuff.
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  So I'm like, OK, this is cool, right?
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  So I got on there sorted by therapist and got what I needed.
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  Like found a couple of therapists that I sent messages
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  to, you know what I mean? Literally therapist that I sent
• 13:42
  messages to and whatnot. And I had one therapist that
• 13:46
  responded to me, right? Literally 11 therapist.
• 13:50
  I'm going to show you. I can show you a matter of fact,
• 13:51
  I can share my screen and show you all the message that the
• 13:52
  very first message that I sent to a therapist about this,
• 13:56
  because people think I'm lying about this for some reason.
• 13:58
  Message you've been you're just manipulator.
• 14:01
  You'd be lying, Lee. You just be manipulating people.
• 14:04
  Like you see the message right here?
• 14:06
  It says your message to Elise Payton, who's who's still my
• 14:09
  therapist today. You see the date right here,
• 14:12
  October 11th, 2017. So this is 9 going on 9 years of
• 14:16
  therapy. Hi, I just wanted to see about
• 14:19
  possible counseling. I'm 99.5% certain that I have
• 14:23
  narcissistic personality disorder, and since becoming
• 14:26
  aware of it, it's become almost unbearable.
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  The constant inner battle every day is tiresome and exhausting.
• 14:34
  That's from 2017, y'all. You see it right here,
• 14:37
  Psychology Today. You see the e-mail
• 14:39
  noreply@psychologytoday.com, October 11th, right there in
• 14:44
  plain sight, right? You see it right there.
• 14:48
  So that's why I got to that point right there.
• 14:50
  I sent that e-mail to that. I sent that same e-mail to a few
• 14:53
  therapists and she was the only one that responded, you know,
• 14:55
  and I appreciate that she did 'cause I still, yeah, I still, I
• 14:58
  still see the same therapist today, the same therapist today,
• 15:04
  which is crazy, isn't it? The same 1 today did I see is
• 15:09
  the same one that I messaged years upon, years upon years
• 15:13
  ago, which I think is, I'm so appreciative that she responded
• 15:16
  and what not. And that helped me out, man.
• 15:18
  Like I said, seriously, I remember my very first therapy
• 15:20
  appointment, I sat in the office, I got in the office and
• 15:23
  the first thing I started doing was crying.
• 15:25
  You know, literally the very first thing I started doing was
• 15:28
  crying. I was just like, and that sucked
• 15:33
  for me because I I was just like, what am I doing here?
• 15:36
  My life, I'm ruining my life because I I'm out of control.
• 15:39
  I can't control myself. I am ruining my life.
• 15:42
  You know, I really AM. And this I'll show you how the
• 15:45
  message that she responded with right here.
• 15:47
  You see the message right here that she responded with she
• 15:49
  says, look, so my first name is demon.
• 15:51
  I'll see my first name. I go by Lee online but you said
• 15:55
  it says thank you for reaching out.
• 15:57
  I would say this is October 12th, this is the next night.
• 15:59
  Remember October 11th, this is October 12th.
• 16:01
  Thank you for reaching out. I'll be happy to work with you
• 16:04
  to better understand what you're going through and discuss.
• 16:06
  Implement appropriate tools that will work to make things more
• 16:09
  manageable. All of our intake documents are
• 16:11
  going through there. Like once we have those
• 16:13
  completed, our staff can create your chart and verify insurance
• 16:16
  and schedule initial session so you don't spend your first
• 16:18
  session in the lobby filling out paperwork.
• 16:20
  Please let me know if you have any questions about the rights.
• 16:22
  Look forward to meeting you in the next couple of weeks.
• 16:24
  This is the same person now I'm still seeing today.
• 16:27
  So that's been nine years. You see October 17th, you've
• 16:30
  been 8 1/2 y'all round up tonight, y'all, but y'all see it
• 16:33
  right there. So this documentation that I've
• 16:36
  been in therapy and whatnot for that long.
• 16:39
  I love therapy. I honestly, I love therapy.
• 16:40
  You know, I absolutely do. I absolutely do.
• 16:44
  I love the therapy because it helps me out.
• 16:48
  Too many commercials. Wow, I can't even like this
• 16:50
  YouTube popping them up, y'all. But Lee, you got receipt?
• 16:54
  Yeah, yeah, absolutely 'cause this is what I've been doing.
• 16:56
  Y'all 100% this is what I've been doing and that's what I've
• 17:00
  been doing. Like I saw a question earlier, I
• 17:02
  wouldn't ignore you actually, I promise you.
• 17:04
  So a lot of people ask me like, are you a narcissist or a
• 17:06
  scapegoat? No, I'm so I'm, I have
• 17:08
  narcissist, personal have disorder.
• 17:11
  Can you feel guilt? No, So yeah, I, I, so I'm a,
• 17:14
  I've been clinically diagnosed with narcissist, a personal have
• 17:17
  disorder with people describe what I've experienced as a kid,
• 17:21
  scapegoat child. I don't even know if my, my
• 17:24
  parent, my dad had a, a golden child.
• 17:27
  Honestly, I think everybody was a scapegoat because he was just
• 17:29
  an, an emotionally absent parent, right?
• 17:32
  He was just an emotionally absent person.
• 17:35
  That's just who he was. My dad was just an emotionally
• 17:37
  absent man. That's who he was.
• 17:39
  Right, Because he himself experienced trauma at a very
• 17:42
  young age. He just grew up to be a
• 17:44
  traumatized man, the traumatized boy that my father was, because
• 17:47
  his, his own dad took his own life when he was 7 or 8 years
• 17:51
  old, he became a traumatized man.
• 17:53
  You know what I mean? My, my, my father became a
• 17:56
  traumatized man. Sometimes boy became a
• 17:58
  traumatized man. He didn't get any ill.
• 18:00
  So you don't hate my dad, right? I don't hate him, but I don't,
• 18:04
  you know what I mean? He just who he is, right.
• 18:07
  So as a kid, like I said, I always knew I was different.
• 18:09
  I wasn't. I think a lot of people asked
• 18:11
  me, was I physically abused as a child?
• 18:14
  No, it wasn't. There was a, a moment of
• 18:16
  physical abuse on my father's side, right?
• 18:18
  Because he, he hit me across the leg one time, but there was a
• 18:23
  moment of that. But he's not been physical
• 18:25
  abusers. Like he was just mostly
• 18:27
  neglectful. He just was not there.
• 18:29
  He was just logged out, you know what I mean?
• 18:31
  He was just not there emotionally.
• 18:34
  So emotional neglect, you feel like you're as a child, you feel
• 18:38
  like you're missing something, right?
• 18:40
  You feel like you're missing a piece because you don't get that
• 18:42
  validation that you're seeking. And then when you're trying to
• 18:45
  get validation from him, he withholds it and it becomes he
• 18:49
  can get physical. You, you get tough sometimes,
• 18:52
  right? And so they can make you shut
• 18:54
  down emotionally. You see what happened to him at
• 18:56
  7-7 or eight years old, he lost his father in the seven-year, 7
• 19:00
  or 8 years old, he was neglecting his kids.
• 19:02
  He became the father that was neglectful.
• 19:03
  He was present. His father took his own life.
• 19:06
  He was not there physically or emotionally, right?
• 19:09
  My dad was there physically. He was just not there
• 19:11
  emotionally, you know, he's still, he's still, he's still
• 19:14
  out here. My dad still out here.
• 19:15
  I love him. I know.
• 19:16
  I do love my dad, right? It's just like, I just know who
• 19:19
  he is, You know? You just can't, you can't give
• 19:22
  too much emotional energy to that person because you, you got
• 19:25
  to protect yourself. You know, I mean, to lose a
• 19:28
  parent to suicide is such a deep wound.
• 19:31
  But yeah. And that's how you, some people
• 19:34
  can describe it as generational trauma, right?
• 19:37
  There's some people out there who would describe you know, it
• 19:40
  is generational trauma because you're my grandpa took his own
• 19:43
  life and it traumatized my dad, who in turn traumatized me.
• 19:47
  But to me it you it's not generational trauma, right,
• 19:51
  because it can. I made the choice to stop it.
• 19:54
  So it's not generational. My dad is still got things going
• 19:58
  on right. He still emotionally like
• 20:02
  neglectful. Now my dad is 60 years old.
• 20:04
  Yeah, I'm 40, right. My dad is 60 years old and
• 20:08
  allegedly. Still out here having kids.
• 20:10
  He's allegedly, he just, I heard through the Grapevine he might
• 20:13
  have had another kid very recently.
• 20:17
  Do you know what I'm saying? Allegedly I've seen something
• 20:19
  online. I was like, oh, so I say he
• 20:21
  might have another child out here at 60 years old and as old
• 20:24
  as his forty. He got 40 year old twins with a,
• 20:26
  a baby. That's what, a few months old or
• 20:28
  something like that. But he's still out here.
• 20:30
  So think about it. If it's generational trauma that
• 20:33
  he passed around, passed down his his this is my dad's chain,
• 20:37
  right? We are links on his chain.
• 20:39
  All these kids are links on his chain.
• 20:42
  So it doesn't necessarily have to pass down to me.
• 20:45
  His trauma is still ongoing. Mine, I make the choice to stop.
• 20:49
  My brother made the choice to stop.
• 20:50
  You see what I'm saying? It's my I'm.
• 20:52
  I'm part of my own. I have my own chain.
• 20:54
  His, If his chain is red, my chain hangs from his right.
• 20:59
  It's not a vine, it's not a plant, It's a chain.
• 21:01
  You know, plants, you pass it down.
• 21:03
  Plants are passed down. You can pass nutrients down and
• 21:06
  stuff like that. I'm a chain.
• 21:07
  Some things, some things can drip down, but not everything
• 21:09
  drips down, right. So I have my own chain.
• 21:12
  I have my own links coming off of it.
• 21:15
  Like my kids are not being traumatized.
• 21:17
  You mean I'm emotionally present, I spend time with my
• 21:20
  kids. I'm there for my kids physically
• 21:21
  and emotionally. So that's why I put that down.
• 21:24
  You know, I wasn't a trauma. I think people say people ask me
• 21:27
  about trauma as a child. I wasn't traumatized like that,
• 21:29
  right? I wasn't like I was, I was just
• 21:31
  neglected. And it could be, honestly, there
• 21:34
  could be a genetic predisposition for it, kind of
• 21:36
  think about it, because my grandfather definitely had
• 21:39
  something going on. You know, my grandfather
• 21:42
  definitely had something going. He's I think my, my therapist
• 21:45
  might have suggested that my grandfather could have been
• 21:47
  schizophrenic, right? My grandfather could absolutely
• 21:50
  have been schizophrenic, right? And so that's a genetic, that
• 21:53
  could be a genetic thing. He could have passed that down
• 21:56
  through the genetics. So it could be something right
• 21:58
  there. It could be you could be
• 21:59
  predisposed, predisposed genetically to have some type of
• 22:03
  personality disorder or some type of personality component,
• 22:06
  go on and whatnot, right? If you have empathy, you are in
• 22:09
  a narcissist. So that's not necessarily true.
• 22:11
  Like lack of empathy is not necessarily a narcissistic
• 22:13
  trait, right? They're narcissist.
• 22:15
  You can have empathy and be a narcissist, right, because think
• 22:18
  about it right here, like borderline people with
• 22:20
  borderline personality disorder have a high capacity for
• 22:23
  empathy. Damn, there's some too sometimes
• 22:25
  too much, right? And you can also borderline
• 22:27
  people can be comorbid. You can also have borderline
• 22:30
  personality disorder and narcissistic personality
• 22:33
  disorder. So you can have empathy and
• 22:34
  still be a narcissist, right? There's like, you know, there's
• 22:38
  a few people I know there's in in real life.
• 22:40
  They have that, you know, thank you for this combo.
• 22:43
  It's Matt I open appreciate it. No problem, no problem.
• 22:45
  I get this question a lot, right.
• 22:46
  And then, like I said, does your brother have narcissist the
• 22:48
  person I no, my brother doesn't. Nope.
• 22:50
  My twin, I have a twin brother. I might have left that part out.
• 22:53
  I have a twin brother. You know what I mean?
• 22:54
  April Morgan, what's going on, girl?
• 22:56
  Like I have a twin brother. He doesn't have narcissist
• 22:58
  personality disorder. My younger brothers doesn't
• 23:00
  don't have it either, right? My little sister doesn't.
• 23:03
  You know, though it's not necessarily a thing that's going
• 23:06
  to go around and whatnot. What's interesting is that many
• 23:10
  extreme impasse narcissist both suffer from the same childhood
• 23:13
  wounds. Yeah, sometimes it's it's
• 23:15
  sometimes it really just depends on which way you go, right?
• 23:19
  You can have the same trauma, just you can get the same
• 23:21
  catalyst and two different results, right?
• 23:25
  You can get the same catalyst with two different results.
• 23:27
  You can, you can apply the same, the same pressure applied to
• 23:30
  different things creates different things.
• 23:32
  Like the same pressure that makes a diamond out of coal will
• 23:36
  bust every pipe you put in front of it, right?
• 23:38
  That same pressure will explode everything else, but it makes a
• 23:40
  diamond because the right material is in front of it.
• 23:43
  So it just kind of depends. Right now, everybody's going to
• 23:46
  have the same warping and whatnot.
• 23:49
  You can live in the same house and experience your parents or
• 23:51
  like, yeah, everybody gets a different, like everybody gets a
• 23:54
  different version of your parents.
• 23:56
  That's true. Everybody does, you know, and
• 23:59
  sometimes it's not fair because the older kids sometimes get the
• 24:02
  worst version and the younger get the best.
• 24:04
  But sometimes this will end up going on right there.
• 24:09
  That's how it transpires sometimes.
• 24:10
  Right? Body by Ollie live.
• 24:13
  What's that? My ex is 79.
• 24:15
  He still cannot maintain a healthy lawyer relationship.
• 24:17
  But one woman may not be a narcissist, just an A ho.
• 24:20
  He never knew his dad and his mom made him grow up fast to
• 24:22
  help out, you know? Oh, yeah.
• 24:24
  There you go, right there. Grateful for you as well.
• 24:27
  Thank you. Yeah, that's a part of it, man.
• 24:29
  So that's how I realized that I was a narcissist, y'all.
• 24:31
  My wife told me I was a narcissist, but I did the work
• 24:34
  to get diagnosed and to go to therapy and whatnot.
• 24:38
  Right. That's what I've been.
• 24:39
  That's what I've been doing. That's what I've been doing.
• 24:44
  Did you take official tests in the hospital?
• 24:46
  No, I've never took a test in the hospital.
• 24:47
  I've taken tests in my, my therapist office.
• 24:49
  Yeah, my, my clinical therapist office.
• 24:51
  Yeah. I took the the MMPI 2 and the
• 24:55
  PDQ 4 personality disorder test right.
• 24:57
  So that's why narcissism comes from a good bit of personality
• 25:03
  is formed by the age of seven. Yeah, absolutely.
• 25:05
  Yep, you're amazing and thank you so much.
• 25:07
  No problem y'all. That's what I say.
• 25:08
  This is part of my journey. This is how I became this person
• 25:11
  and then just like to get my how did I become the self aware
• 25:13
  narcissist on TikTok? Literally, I had a counseling
• 25:17
  session. My wife left the first time back
• 25:20
  in 2017. So she right before COVID
• 25:22
  started, she had left again, right?
• 25:24
  Right before COVID started, she left again, right, because I
• 25:27
  was, I missed a few third recessions.
• 25:29
  I was reverting back to my old behaviors.
• 25:30
  I was being neglectful again, right?
• 25:32
  So she ended up leaving again right before COVID started,
• 25:35
  right by March of 2020, something around that time.
• 25:38
  And then when she left, I got back into therapy and I told
• 25:42
  myself I got back in the therapy and that helped me wake up,
• 25:49
  right? It really does.
• 25:52
  It really, really does. You know what I mean?
• 25:56
  It I got back in the therapy and I made a commitment to myself.
• 25:58
  Like I'm going to just go hard this time.
• 26:00
  I'm going to be open, honest, my therapist, I'm going to tell my
• 26:03
  anything that's bothering me, I'm going to tell my therapist.
• 26:05
  That's literally what happened. Like any everything that was
• 26:07
  bothering me, I literally was open with my therapist about it.
• 26:10
  Anything that bothered me, anything that was on my mind, I
• 26:13
  was 100% open with my therapist about it.
• 26:16
  And then when my wife, me and my wife decided to reconcile and
• 26:19
  she moved back into the house, the first day she moved back in
• 26:22
  the house, I started my my mental illness TikTok account.
• 26:25
  So I posted videos. I was like, I'm going to hold
• 26:26
  myself accountable online by posting videos about my journey
• 26:30
  with narcissistic personality disorder because holding it in
• 26:33
  was punishing me. Holding it in was leading to my
• 26:38
  own self destruction. You know, when you hold things
• 26:40
  in, when you bottle it up, you're going to explode sooner
• 26:42
  or later. So I just literally my go back
• 26:45
  to my very first video on my TikTok, right?
• 26:48
  Go go back to my very first video on my TikTok.
• 26:49
  I say, hey, guys, my name is Damond.
• 26:51
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist. I'm here to document my therapy
• 26:54
  journey. I want to help more men go to
• 26:55
  therapy, go back to it. Go back to my very first video
• 26:57
  on TikTok. You, you see me say those exact
• 26:59
  words and whatnot. So genuine honesty is the key
• 27:04
  for me. Genuine honesty is the only
• 27:07
  thing that works as a diagnosed narcissist to get better or
• 27:11
  anybody, anybody that's going to therapy, you have to be honest,
• 27:14
  right? Lying by omission, doing things
• 27:17
  like that do not help you in the long run.
• 27:19
  When you lie by omission, when you leave things out that right
• 27:23
  there, you're only hindering yourself.
• 27:24
  A therapist can only help you as so much as you being honest.
• 27:28
  They can only go on what you're telling them, right?
• 27:30
  If I go into therapy and just I can present myself as being
• 27:33
  honest, but I can still be lying, you know, I can present
• 27:37
  myself as being honest, but I can still be just lying my ass
• 27:39
  off. 100%, right. 100% could be lying.
• 27:44
  I remember your first TikTok. Glad you're here.
• 27:46
  Yeah, my first TikTok was May 19th, 2020.
• 27:49
  So how about almost six years? I started doing my one on ones
• 27:52
  over Zoom, April. So next month, April will be 5
• 27:56
  years of me doing one on ones over Zoom and helping people
• 27:58
  that way, doing my coaching and stuff like that.
• 28:01
  You may. Yeah.
• 28:02
  Because why would you pay a psycho psychotherapist to lie
• 28:04
  to? Yeah, I mean, some people will
• 28:06
  do that. Yeah.
• 28:06
  Some people will go to therapy and lie to the therapist just to
• 28:08
  say that they went to therapy, just to say they went to
• 28:11
  therapy. Is Lee not your real name?
• 28:12
  Yeah, Lee is my name, but my first name is Damon.
• 28:14
  My middle name is Lee. Damon Lee.
• 28:17
  You know what I'm saying? My first name is Damon.
• 28:19
  I got actually got a tattooed on my arm right here.
• 28:21
  You see it says Damon. I'm getting there.
• 28:22
  This tattoo is in the process of getting removed right now that
• 28:24
  I've had like 5 sessions to get it lasered off.
• 28:26
  So about few more sessions will be gone.
• 28:29
  But yeah, Philippines is in the house.
• 28:33
  If you've given gifts to your parents, have you had any of
• 28:36
  your gifts or love letters return back to you?
• 28:38
  How you respond to this? I've had.
• 28:39
  I've never given the gift to my mom.
• 28:40
  And she responded no. And she returned it.
• 28:42
  No. Appreciate that, Agnes.
• 28:47
  Yeah. I've never given the gift to my
• 28:49
  Mama, Michelle. And she responded with anything
• 28:52
  like that. But if you if they give it back,
• 28:55
  stop giving gifts. If you give them a gift and they
• 28:58
  give it back, that's that'll be the IT was me.
• 29:00
  That'll be the last gift you get.
• 29:02
  You know what I mean? Honestly, they'd be the last
• 29:04
  gift you get. Stage name Lee I use my middle
• 29:07
  name because it's just easier to say to say on set, right?
• 29:11
  It's easier to stay on set because I when I first started
• 29:14
  acting and modeling, I'll go on set and say demon.
• 29:18
  They'd be like demon, demon, demon, demon, demon here.
• 29:22
  Demon is demon here is the demon here.
• 29:26
  So I just like Lee. I'll go by Lee.
• 29:31
  No, it's demand. My name is Demand, not demons.
• 29:35
  Is it is it demon? No, it's demand.
• 29:38
  No. So I just start using Lee and I
• 29:40
  started using Lee online and social media.
• 29:42
  So it's kind of like I have that now.
• 29:44
  I'm like Lee when I'm doing real estate.
• 29:46
  I'm about to start back. I'm about to start back doing my
• 29:49
  real estate business in North Carolina.
• 29:50
  So I'm going to, I don't know, am I going to use Lee as my real
• 29:53
  estate name or I'm going to use Demont, Right.
• 29:59
  Do your family call you Demon? Yeah.
• 30:00
  Nobody. Nobody who grew up with me or
• 30:02
  nobody who's been around me calls me Lee.
• 30:05
  Like people, they meet me on social media, call me Lee
• 30:07
  because that's, that's how they know me.
• 30:08
  Why would you call me Demon? You're because you don't know me
• 30:11
  as Demon. You just call me Lee.
• 30:14
  You know, you're right. That's my middle name.
• 30:16
  And they say it all the time. Yeah, they butcher my name.
• 30:19
  You know what I mean? My last name is almost like that
• 30:22
  too. And people botch it.
• 30:23
  Yeah, people would botch my name.
• 30:24
  So I was just like aunt and whatnot.
• 30:26
  Y'all yeah, my family called me Damon When when my wife goes
• 30:30
  live and people are saying Lee, she don't call me, she don't
• 30:33
  respond to me. She it's funny, she tries to say
• 30:36
  Lee, but it's just she just gets weird with it, right?
• 30:38
  She just gets weird to say it's like Damon, Damon, Damon.
• 30:40
  And again, y'all if y'all on my YouTube channel, make sure you
• 30:42
  subscribe to my YouTube channel. My wife is probably going to go
• 30:45
  live, if not this Sunday, next Sunday, she's going to go live
• 30:47
  again this week and answer some mail questions.
• 30:49
  A lot of people have questions they want to ask her so they,
• 30:51
  she's going to go live and do AQ and a on her side of things as
• 30:53
  well. Do do, do, do how do you make,
• 30:59
  how do they make sure you're being totally honest with
• 31:01
  yourself while taking the test? I feel like you have in when
• 31:04
  you're taking, when you're taking the personality disorder
• 31:08
  test. They, they, they have built in
• 31:10
  lie detectors in the test. So if you're lying, they will,
• 31:12
  they will come up at the end. They will like you.
• 31:14
  You spiked high on deception. You've been lying because they
• 31:17
  asked the same question a few different times, a few different
• 31:20
  ways and presented different ways.
• 31:21
  And if you answer it differently, they would know it.
• 31:24
  They're like you're a liar. You're you're deception.
• 31:27
  You, you you did not only are you narcissist, you're
• 31:29
  deceptive. You you were under the deceptive
• 31:30
  ones. You're trying to deceptive.
• 31:32
  Yeah. She's doing another Q&A soon.
• 31:33
  Tammy. Yeah, you responded.
• 31:35
  Yeah, she's doing another one soon.
• 31:36
  Y'all. So does my wife go?
• 31:39
  Did your wife or does your wife go to therapy herself?
• 31:41
  Yeah, she goes to therapy herself.
• 31:42
  Y'all. My wife has went to therapy.
• 31:45
  Yeah, she went to therapy herself, but also I've gone to
• 31:48
  therapy. You mean she would she saw her
• 31:50
  own therapist. I said my own therapist.
• 31:52
  We came together and did a few sessions of marriage counseling
• 31:56
  with a different therapist. Not my therapist, not her
• 31:58
  therapist, because I don't think like if imagine me seeing my
• 32:00
  therapist for seven years and then bringing my wife there for
• 32:03
  marriage counseling. My, my therapist could have an
• 32:05
  implicit bias not knowing who she is, but she knows who I am.
• 32:08
  You see what I'm saying? She's she's going live.
• 32:11
  She's going live over here. She's going live over on my
• 32:13
  YouTube channel. So make sure you hit the
• 32:14
  subscribe button on my YouTube channel.
• 32:15
  Y'all, I do have to hop off y'all.
• 32:16
  I got to pick my son up from school and then I got to pick my
• 32:20
  other Center for school and pick my nephew up to y'all.
• 32:22
  So I appreciate y'all tuning in. I'll do it on the Q&A here
• 32:25
  pretty soon this week. Y'all built in Live Today.
• 32:29
  But yeah, they absolutely. So check out my site, mental
• 32:31
  illness.net for my coaching, my courses.
• 32:34
  I have a courses about healing for narcissistic abuse.
• 32:37
  My coaching, my courses, my support group, everything is
• 32:40
  available at mentalillness.net. What's my YouTube handle?
• 32:44
  It's at mental illness. Hey, Mallory.
• 32:47
  Hey Leanna, my YouTube handle, it's mental illness right here.
• 32:53
  The same name y'all, same name on YouTube.
• 32:55
  Anyway y'all, I appreciate y'all tuning in.
• 32:57
  I'm super thankful for y'all. Thanks for joining in.
• 32:59
  What's going to Angela? Bless you as well, Angel
• 33:02
  protected. Bless y'all, be safe, take care
• 33:05
  of yourself, take care of each other.
• 33:06
  And we will try it again later y'all.
• 33:08
  Peace.