Latest / Iridescent: The Grief Podcast / Armin's story: What do owls, dragonflies, and death have to do with my soul cat's impact?
Transcript
- Courtney: All right, y'all. We're getting right into it. If you're new here, my name is Courtney and I'm a holistic pet grief guide. And this is Armin's story. Armin is my soul cat. He is the reason why I do what I do. His passing was the reason my work exists. Before him, I was just an astrologer. And not just an astrologer. I'm not for nothing. I've been in Yahoo and Vice and Best Life. I am the astrologer columnist in a magazine. So I'm not just an astrologer. But it felt like that looking back because what I do now in working pet grief into astrology. Is so much more than just it's it's more than I ever could have imagined my life to be. This is always what I wanted. This has been my life's calling. I thought I wanted to be a vet when I was a kid and and this is what I wanted to be doing. I wanted to be working with animals in this capacity. So when he left this earth, I grieved him for 15 years before it actually happened. I am not being dramatic the day he came home. I said, my gosh, this is gonna be tough. And it was, it was so tough. And I was so unprepared. My work exists because it's the support I wish I had when he was dying. I didn't have really any spiritual support. Everything was focusing the Rainbow Bridge. Everything was focusing this, this deeply religious aspect of him being in heaven. And just that's just something not something I resonate with. And if you resonate with the Rainbow Bridge or religion, I love that for you. I believe everyone deserves comfort. And if it works, that is great. I am not ever going to dismiss something that works for somebody because what works for me isn't going to work for everybody. But I know there's people that don't resonate with heaven and hell, especially for our animals. But when I lost Armin, I felt like I was drowning. For folks who don't know, I live in Western North Carolina, and his health started to decline in the middle of Helene. And for folks that weren't here or know about Hurricane Helene, we had no roads, we had no cell service, there was nothing. We were pretty much where we are in our city. A lot of the roads weren't open. So even if I wanted to take him to a specialist, it wasn't possible because they likely weren't open. I couldn't use the phones to call. and it was most places didn't have power. It was that on itself was so traumatic. And then in the middle of that, for him to be having breathing complications one night, I couldn't even take him to the nearest animal hospital, which was in a different state. I would have had I would have had to drive. To I believe it was South Carolina or Georgia. I think it was Georgia. And I didn't have any cell service to get me out of my town, to get me on the roads. So I just had to post in a local Facebook group because I had Wi Fi and I said, What am I going to do? And someone on there was a vet tech in my area and said, Come here. We're not technically open, but we're taking emergencies. Come here tomorrow. So I just had to hope that he was gonna be okay. And I brought him in the next day sobbing. I walked into the animal hospital sobbing. And they helped me out. They transferred him to another animal hospital because they weren't able to get their x-rays sent out. we got x rays, full body x-rays down to them. So we went to we got transferred. They didn't even charge us. It was incredible. We got transferred and from there he was diagnosed to have some sort of breathing complication that was too far progressed to really do anything but sort of life management. We were told it was asthma at that time, and I got a second opinion again. They said it was asthma, but they also said it was a strangely presenting asthma, and in the end they diagnosed him with lung cancer. So he was on inhalers twice a day, which have any of y'all tried to give an inhaler to a cat? Because let me tell you, it's hard. And Armin was a in his prime, a 20-pound main coon, giant orange, long-haired main coon. He's a huge cat. So giving him his inhaler was tough because he was strong. And over the next year, his appetite declined. He would still have breakthrough. Asthmatic episodes. And then one night his rescue inhaler didn't work. And we rushed him to the nearest animal hospital, which is about 45 minutes away. And I didn't think he was going to make it in that 45 minute drive. I just remember holding him and just telling him to hold on until we got there. They put him in an oxygen chamber. Did a whole bunch of tests and I waited there for as long as I could. And then they said, Listen, he just needs to be in the oxygen chamber. It was a hundred dollars an hour for be him to be in the oxygen cham chamber, by the way. This isn't to shame any vets or anything for it to be the price that it is, it's something that's tough. And I'm very privileged that I had funds to let him be in that chamber and give him the best shot that I could. And the vet pulled me aside and said, I really don't think you should do blood work. I really think seeing his X rays that this is something that he's not gonna be able to come back from. And I said, No, no, do the blood work. We're doing everything we can. My entire mental health is hinged on this cat. So we did everything we could. And I really didn't sleep that night. We drove home. And then when I called them for an update, was not the news I wanted. They tried twice overnight taking him out of the oxygen chamber to see if he would stabilize. And he wouldn't. He couldn't. his lungs just couldn't come back from the damage that was there. the way it was explained to me was even if We try our best with more medications and medical management and steroids. The odds of me coming home to him being in respiratory distress were very high. So I took him home and waited for a little bit and then started making the calls. I told them I didn't want him to be euthanized in a veterinary office. And we were so lucky to find someone to come to the house. And I talk about this a lot in my work and it's in my anticipatory grief guide, but a lot of euthanasia services do work by text message. You can see how deeply personal this work is. Part of this is I was calling around places and I live in the middle of nowhere. Half the places on Google didn't service my area. Had I have known this months before this happened, I could have texted the one place that was in my area and said, Hey, do you have anything available in the next forty-eight hours? Which would have been so much less traumatic than spending two hours calling end-of-life services and half of them not servicing my area. And that's not to you know, shame them for not servicing my area. It's just an uncomfortable truth. I live in the middle of nowhere. And we did find a doctor who did. And it was I was so grateful for it. But I spent so much of that time panicking. The next a little over twenty four hours, I was panicked. I had my best friend here from high school, just happened to be in town by chance. And thank God she was here because her and my wife like kept me held together. I was really losing it. And it's hard to like not get emotional thinking about this because I was losing it. And had I had a workbook or a guide or a plan of any kind, I would have had better music on when the vet came. That's something that I talk about and I laugh now. But I picked a a Grimes playlist. Don't ask me why. Y'all, grief makes you do weird things. My brain was not working. And I remember looking at my friend and I was like, I hate that this is playing. I hate it. I didn't know what to play. And I I just wanted something to be background music and I just picked something. Anything, really. Anything but piano, because I felt like it was too sad. Looking back, I would have loved to have some sound bowls playing or some meditative music, but I did what I could. Folks I don't know, I worked in veterinary medicine, animal adequacy and pet rescue for 10 years. So I'm very familiar with end of life services. But I wish I would have had more intention around it. I wish I would have had more. I wish I could have been embodied. Really. I wish I could have been there. for more of it. I wrote him notes. I still have them and I read them all the time. I told him that I'll be reaching out and to be expecting a hand reaching over in the spiritual realm. And when he passed, right before he did, I said to him, I said, let me know. Let me know that you made it. And did he let me know? When they already gave a sedative, we went outside and wreathed my favorite dogwood tree. And the lightning bug landed on my wife. And it stayed there almost the whole time. It was the wildest thing for this lightning bug just to be on her. And then we looked around and there were these like crushed up butterfly wings all around us. In just the spot that we'd already planned to be in the past day. So when we when it came time to say goodbye, I took my time with him and I definitely felt that he wasn't there anymore. It's something I try to bring up to folks is you can feel it. That's why I encourage everyone to stay with their animal companions, is because energetically it's a it's a feeling being present with them. And that night my friend is in a band and she's so musically talented, I love her. Playing sad songs next to the fire with her ukulele. We're sitting outside underneath a tree. But I looked inside and I thought I saw him. In his usual spot. He wasn't there. I it. But in that moment looking through the window. My wife and my friend and I are outside by this fire and we heard this This loud but quiet swoop above us. This gust of air. And we looked above us and we caught a glimpse of these giant owl wings. And y'all, we've lived here for four years. I have never seen or heard an owl in our entire four years here. And my friend, who is so not She's so we're so different. She is not into the same spiritual stuff that I am. And she looked at me and she went, I think that was your sign. And I knew in my heart that it was. But I wasn't convinced yet. It was really funny. I doubted it a little bit, which I've talked to about how you you don't always need to doubt the signs that you get. So the next day, we're outside by the fire again. I sit by fires a lot and just meditation. We're sitting outside and we're laying down this time because we're all really exhausted at this point. This is the second night without him. And we're laying there. And I said to her, wouldn't it be crazy if we saw that owl again? And we're laughing about it, and we were both kind of drifting off to sleep. My wife was already asleep next to the fire. That's like her MO. And we're both kind of just drifting around and sleeping but not sleeping. And in that, we saw it this time. We saw the owl swoop into the tree above us. And I said, You're right, that's my sign. And some folks view owls as a As a messenger from the other side, that they're they're able to commune between both realms. And I felt that. I felt in me, and I almost heard it, that everything's okay. I made it. And it's really funny, ever since then, I get owls and I also get dragonflies for him to know when I'm when I'm asking for assistance, or I need confirmation, or I need him to let me know that things are gonna be okay, or I'm looking for a message. He'll send me one of those. And if I specify, he gets a real specific. There was a night and for reference that was back in the summer of twenty twenty five. Just a couple weeks ago. It's July right now, July twenty twenty six, when I'm recording this. A couple of weeks ago I was in bed and you know, it's been over a year since he's been gone and I said to myself, I really miss him laying in bed looking at pictures and crying. I said I would love to get another owl sign from you because that was incredible. And I can't make this up. Maybe four minutes later, I hear this barred owl outside, right outside my window. Like literally, I think it was in the tree right outside of my window. And then in the distance it's it's singing to another owl. And they're talking to one another. So I have this faraway owl and that's one right by my window. And it was I just felt so seen. And he's always been like that. Whenever I ask for dragonflies, I asked for one in the middle of winter. And I and it and it happened. And sometimes if I don't listen, he'll send another one and then another one and be like, Girl, do you get it? Do you get it? Hi, hello, you asked for it. I've had them land on me since then. And to go back for a minute for the butterfly, 'cause I forgot to mention this. The butterfly wings were really significant around where he was underneath the dogwood tree because we have a family psychic who confirmed to my mother when we lost our childhood dog back in I think it was 2013 or so that he communicates through butterflies. And when the doctor arrived to euthanize him, she walked through the door, was talking to me. And I look past her and I heard this tapping noise, and I'm trying to figure out where this tapping noise is coming from. And past her was my kitchen window. And when I tell you that like a butterfly was like like audibly tapping on my window, I have never had a butterfly make such loud noises by tapping on a window. And it was the moment she walked through my door. My kitchen is attached to my front door. So she walked into my kitchen and there's this butterfly tapping on the window. And it stayed in the window site until she administer administered the first injection. So I already knew that he had guides waiting for him. He had my childhood dog waiting for him, who my childhood dog max has done that for more than one pet. all of this to say is that if you ask for connection and if you ask for signs and ways for them to reach out to you, they do. It's not just a human thing that they do that. Our soul pets, especially, find ways to communicate with us. I love using different animals. You can pick letters, you can pick coins, you can pick imagery. Get really specific with it. I have a friend who uses butterflies. I use dragonflies and owls. My grandfather talks to me through grasshoppers. It's not just a coincidence. It's something deeply felt and deeply spiritual. And in losing him, my life completely unraveled. But when I tell you that it was Infused with so much beauty and grace and connection after this. I've said in a different episode that things stopped being surface level for me. I didn't give a shit about when people said, How are you doing? Good, how are you? I stopped doing that. People tell me, ask me how I'm doing, and I tell them. I tell them how I'm doing. And I want them to do the same with me, and I let them know. Like I said, my grandfather comes to me. I have different family members and guides come to me. But a soul pet is different. It's hard to explain unless you have experienced it, but we're their caretakers. We're their guardians. Unless you have someone living in your house and you're taking care of them 24-7, it's hard to explain the relationship that you share when your soul pet passes and you're so used to giving them medication every day and giving them their their supplements and their dinner and their breakfast and their treats and and how infused they are with your everyday living and all of your rituals and routines. And then when you're gone, you're like, what the fuck do I do now? Like what what do I do? How do I, how do I move? How do I how do I exist? Who am I without them? So I wanted to share a little bit about his story, because it is at the center of my work. That experience in Not planning for his departure made it so I made a guide. The experience of feeling lost and not knowing who I was inspired me to look to astrology to find out who I was, to give me a path forward. Feeling like I was my heart was breaking into two, certain herbs called out to me and really showed me how to how to grieve this with intention, how to not numb myself out. And granted, there are times to numb out because I would be lying if I said I didn't. That first night, the first couple of nights, I needed I needed help. I needed to be numb as a way to reduce harm on myself. And I abstained from alcohol for a long time after that. But I did have to rely on some pharmaceuticals for the first couple of days. And I don't have any shame in saying that. And I don't want you to have any shame in that either. For me it wasn't, you know, it's not weeks on end. I needed a couple of days. I needed to breathe. I needed to sleep. I needed to to just exist. I just needed to survive. And if I needed medication for three nights after that, then you know what? I just needed to survive and that's okay. My herbal approach is not all or nothing. My herbal approach is body-based. It's based in harm reduction. It's centering trauma. It's living it. It's being it. I don't want anyone to think, well, in order to, you know, really integrate this, I can only do it with herbs and nothing else. No. There's times where you can rely on rely on other things. But I also think that, you know, you should abstain from alcohol if you're grieving. I think it doesn't do your nervous system and your body any good to numb things out that way. And granted, I might change my mind, But I had so much grace and compassion for myself because I was able to sit with a local grief expert that I know. And he really took away the shame for me, the guilt. He even gave me a timeline. I remember sitting in the car. sobbing to him and I said, How long am I gonna feel like this? Patrick, how long am I gonna just feel like I am underwater? And he looked at me and he's like, Well, how long have you known Armin? I said, fifteen years. And he said, Great. Give yourself fifteen months to really feel this grief. Feel it, get to know it, feel it. He made such an emphasis on feeling the grief for 15 months, not running from it. And who I was at the beginning of that journey is a completely different person than I am right now. Com one thousand percent a completely different person. Do I still feel lost without him? Yes. Will I always feel lost without him? Yes. Do I feel connected and alive and ingrained with my community? And do I have a deeper sense of purpose? And do I have a better sense within my business of who exactly I want to help and how I want the future to look for all pet guardians to have somewhere to go that's not religious and actually? speaks to their own version of spirituality where they can feel seen and heard and held and be able to grieve the way they want to grieve and not just the way they were taught. Yes. Do I serve on a nonprofit board helping other folks talk about pet grief within my community and also the larger picture between just helping people grieve and helping support caretakers and making sure everyone knows they're not alone. Also, yes. So do you see what I mean? There will always be this hole in my heart where he used to be. But I'm not afraid of it. It's not something I run from anymore. It's not something that sends me into a panic. I have so much compassion for that version of myself, this version of myself, the future version of myself, that it's not something necessarily that freaks me out as much anymore. I don't run from grief, I feel it, and I've learned to harness it as almost a power. Because the couple of days after that I didn't go to work for I believe two weeks and I worked for the most incredible people. They own a really eclectic boutique downtown and I was working there in retail. And they gave me time off and they were so incredible about it. I mean, I couldn't have asked for better folks to help me through that. And the next couple days after that, when I tell you that the first day I came back to work, it was shocking. I had maybe seven or eight people mention their orange cats to me. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. I remember the first girl was going to her friend's cat's birthday party, an orange cat's birthday party, two weeks after my cat just died, my first day back to work after he died. And I told her about my cat. And she told me about hers, and she and it was just this beautiful experience of getting to know about everyone else's experience. And it was so incredible to be able to tap in with people and let my eyes well up in public and not be so freaking afraid of it. So when I say grieve with intention and be the most powerful person in the room, I mean it because I've lived it. I've seen firsthand how that impacted my ability to grieve and how the community interacted with me. Was I too much for certain people? Absolutely. But the people that heard me, saw me, gave space for me and didn't make me feel othered and didn't just say, well, you can just adopt another one. Or just a cat. But the people that met me with compassion, met me with storytelling of their own loss, where we shared our loss together. That was beautiful. That was healing. That was connection. That's the point of being a fucking human. Being able to experience that together. That was powerful. Not making myself feel small. That was powerful. so that's why Armin's story is so important is because it is at the basis of everything I do. Because in that experience I learned exactly how I wanted to grieve and how I could make that same space for other folks that I realized I could help create what I always wanted in a time where I needed it most and it didn't exist. So other people don't have to feel so alone. So we can as a society work on dismantling this disenfranchised kind of grief. To talk about how the Rainbow Bridge doesn't work for everyone, to talk about, especially folks that don't have any kids, how hard it is to lose an animal that you've had for ten, fifteen, twenty years, even if it's five or eight. They're your family. So thanks for hanging out and listening to probably the saddest story of my life, but also one based in deep connection and love. So I'll see you next time. Thanks for hanging out and I'll talk to you soon.